A Fight to Remember
by unnamedconspirator
Summary: What happens when you lose who you are? Can you find yourself again? Will you listen to your heart? MERDER. A story about growing up, growing old. Fairytales and Magic, Science. Love and loss. Risk. Sacrifice. How to be Extraordinary. Join the Mcfamily on this incredible journey! Don't Miss Out!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** Welcome to the adventure! This is going to be Epic! What are the McKids up to more than 20 years from now? Is there a cure for Alzheimers? What happened ten years ago? And where is Derek? Tragedy, Loss, Angst... but also Love, Memories, Science and maybe a happy ending! Eventual MerDer.

The first few chapters of this story are going to begin from the point of view of the McKids, Bailey, Zola and Ellis at certain points in their lives. There will be appearances of other GA Characters and/or their children- but I will not be diving too heavily into their personal lives so use your imagination. This first chapter is set when Bailey is 25 and an Intern.

Enjoy!

 _They say that one should make a name for oneself... It's hard to do that when your name was already made. Seriously. Living up to the legend of your parents accomplishments is hard. I am screwed, and I haven't even started._

 **January 2038**

 **Bailey**

"Crap," I muttered as I rolled over in bed. There was a familiar dull ache in my head and I wondered how much alcohol I consumed the night before. My hand touched something warm and smooth. I blinked, light flooded and burned my pupils, when they adjusted I was looking at the back of a woman's head, long wavy brunette hair spilled on the pillow. "Ahh!" I bolted up in my sheets

"Ahh!" The girl screamed awake, grabbing the blanket to cover herself. We both looked at each other, and I recognized her brilliant emerald eyes.

"Rebecca?" I asked.

"Bailey?" she asked.

"Crap." We both said at the same time.

"You have to go," I said. I handed her her bra, which had been buried in the sheets.

Rebecca scoffed and rolled her eyes. She looked around taking in the cramped and cluttered space, "A trailer?" Rebecca glanced at me,"This...is embarassing on so many levels." She got up, clutching a sheet to her body as she anxiously rooted around for her clothes."You live here?"

I reached on the floor for my jeans. "It was my dad's" I stammered. Nothing nicer than a 30 year-old trailer to impress the girls. Way to go Shepherd, I chided myself.

"Odd... a little moldy," She wrinkled her nose.

I hoisted my jeans up and zipped the fly, sorting through the clothes on the floor to find my lucky blue shirt. "Well, uh you know, we don't have to do the thing... uh exchange details..." I threw my shirt on. I didn't really feel she had to know anything more about me. I was terrible with commitment. .

Rebecca still sat on the bed, her clothes in a pile in front of her. She stared at me with those gorgeous eyes,"Whatever," she said, biting her lip.

I tilted my head at her and smiled. The way the light from the back window caught her skin and made her hair shine was something I didn't want to forget. I smoothed out my shirt and tucked it in. "You can take a shower if you want, I gotta go to my sister's, pick up some stuff... it's my first day, don't wanna be late..." I rambled as I threw on my socks and deodorant.

"So... What does this mean?"

I coughed, it must be the dust or mold or whatever. "Um, well it was- you were...great." I felt my face flush. It was great. Too much scotch probably.

"And?" Rebecca asked.

And? She wasn't a relationship person was she? I didn't do relationships. Or I tried not to. Women tended to get clingy around me. Better end this now. "And um, goodbye... Rebecca, nice to meet you again."

"Goodbye... Bailey," I heard her say as the door slammed behind me. I was going to be late.

 _So Screwed._

XXX

The hallways of Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital echoed nostalgia for me. I practically grew up here. As a kid, I followed my parents around watching them perform from the OR gallery. I napped in the on-call rooms, played on the elevators. Now, after four years of college and four years of med school I was back, this time I would be working here as an intern.

On the catwalk I gazed out the large windows and basked in the early morning light. I wondered how many times my parents had stopped here and talked. How many times they stared out the window and contemplated. This was where my father was shot, where my mother pressed so hard on his chest to keep him from bleeding out. Now I was on the catwalk, heading to the office of the Chief of Surgery. I was stepping into the path my parents took. I shuddered. I hoped I wouldn't get shot.

The door was open slightly as if she was expecting me. Chief Miranda Bailey looked well for for her age, her dark hair highlighted with silver and grey, she still exuded that powerful confidence. I knocked on the door, and she waved me in. She gave me her biggest smile and approached me, arms open for a hug. "Dr. Shepherd, Dr. _Bailey_ Shepherd. Look at you." I was squeezed in a vice-grip that left me gasping for air, "Look at you." Her dark eyes looked me up and down, appraising me. "Spittin' image of your mother, except for those blonde curly locks. Not as tiny though. My oh my, here you are, at this hospital, in this office. A brand new generation." She leaned against the desk and crossed her arms, a look of pure pride on her face.

"Good to see you too, uh Chief."

She waved her hand in dismissal. "I came back to cover Grey, but I don't forsee being here for very long."

"It's been four years, no one's stepped up?"

"I said I would stay on as long as necessary, but I think they like me too much. I will be retiring soon though, if Ben Warren has anything to say about that," She walked back behind her desk and I plunked myself down on a seat. "Enough about me, How are things...?"

I shrugged, "Fine, everyone's good."

"Mmm hmm..." She shook her head, but she knew better than to pry. "On to business then- since you are a late transfer you have a lot to catch up on in regards to hospital policy and practice," She plonked an old worn out binder in front of me. "Make sure you familiarize yourself with that. Next, your resident will be Dr. Perretti."

"Dr. Perretti?" I asked, shocked. "Rebecca Perretti?" My one night stand was my boss. Great. I was trying to avoid clingy.

"You have a problem with that, Shepherd?"

"Ah, no problem."

"Good then. Pager, wear it at all times." She tossed the small white device to me. "Your locker number, get changed. You know your way around. Page Perretti when you're done, she'll assign you. Don't expect anything glamorous, it won't be long before people figure out you're Grey and Shepherd's son so enjoy it while it lasts."

"Uh-okay... thanks Chief." I picked up the binder and pager and made my way out the door.

"You're welcome. Be gone," Chief Bailey's voice lingered behind me, but by the tone I could tell she was grinning from ear to ear.

After changing into scrubs and my white coat, I went to the nurses station and paged Dr. Perretti.

"Bailey?" I heard a familiar voice. Definitely not one that I expected.

"Sof?" I turned to see my friend, Sofia Torres. She hadn't changed a bit. Her trademark dark waves were loose over her shoulders and despite my last growth spurt, she was couple inches taller. "What're you doing here?"

"Parental pressure." Sofia rolled her eyes.

Of everyone I knew, Sofia Torres understood me best. We were both the children of famous ambitious doctors. Although she was a couple years older than me, we became close, especially when she acted as a buffer between me and Zo when we had our epic sibling battles. In high school, I asked her out. We had one date, I tried to kiss her and she cracked up giggling. It wasn't meant to be. Still, we remained friends. I was happy to see her.

"What're you doing here?" She asked, picking up a tablet from the desk.

"Transferred." I smirked.

Sofia smiled a huge grin and punched me in the arm.. Hard.

"Ow!" What was that for?" I rubbed my sore bicep.

"You didn't even call or anything! Bailey Derek Shepherd- I oughta..." Sofia laughed and shook her head.

"I missed you too."

"Yeah." Her pager beeped. "Drinks later?"

"Sounds great."

"Kay, later." And off she was, barking orders to a nearby intern who scrambled to keep pace.

There was a shuffling noise behind me, "Ahem." Someone cleared their throat.

I spun and again faced those brilliant emerald eyes. "Reb- uh Dr. Perretti."

"Dr. Shepherd. Since you're late... she handed me a clipboard. "Rectal exams."

"Re- Rectal exams?"

Rebecca quirked her lips into a half smile. "I was drunk, and you took advantage. This is your punishment."

"Uh huh," I smiled. "I seem to remember we were both drunk-"

"We are so not talking about last night," she interrupted, but she was still smiling. Yup, she definitely had a thing for me.

"Oh come on, it was great and you know it." I egged her on. I couldn't help it. What was wrong with me?

"You left me in a moldy trailer Shepherd," She pushed the clipboard closer into my chest, "And stop staring at me like you've seen me naked. Rectal exams."

"Of course. Rectal exams." What was I going to do? My college crush was my boss, and now I kinda liked her. Crap.

xxx

After rectal exams was SCUT, and after that was a late lunch, I hadn't even met my fellow interns yet, so I didn't know where to sit in the cafeteria. I settled for a small table off to the side so I could eavesdrop peacefully. Snippets of conversation floated my way.

"Did you hear about the new intern?"

"Shepherd right? Isn't he..."

"Surgical royalty? As in the the son of Shepherd and Grey the former chief of surgery?"

"Whatever. I heard Dr. Grey went crazy... Maybe he's crazy too"

"I heard Dr. Peters had to walk her through a simple surgery right before she retired."

"Dr. Peters? Isn't he the neuro attending?"

"Man I would love to be the child of two surgeons."

"I don't think I could handle the pressure..."

I closed my eyes and sipped my energy drink. This was going to be a long year.

"There you are." Sofia stood over me with her lunch tray. I moved my tray a little so she could join me. "Everything ok?" She seemed to sense my mind was elsewhere. It was, overhearing those interns made me think about my mother. I felt a pang in my heart. I hadn't been the best son of late.

"It's nothing." I said, "I'm fine."

"Don't listen to those dimwits, they don't know anything."

"Yeah, I still have to work with them." I took a few mouthfuls of mac and cheese.

"Look, do something cool and you'll get their respect."

"I sense a plan in the works."

"Perretti is on a surgery with Peters right now, she could be a few hours. I'm on trauma, so I'll page you if something cool comes in. Then you do that Shepherd-take-charge-thing and bam! Instant respect."

I shrugged, noncommittal. "Whatever." Sofia's plans were always hardcore. I guess she got that from her one of her mothers probably, Callie.

Sofia harumphed but she didn't press. "So Perretti made you do Rectals? Gross..."

xxx

I was dozing in the on call room when my pager beeped. Sofia had a trauma. I jumped up and grabbed my white coat. Time to show them my stuff, maybe.

As I entered the trauma bay a stretcher was being pushed past me

"Sixty year-old male James Anderson," The paramedics rattled off stats,"Fell down the stairs, Rib fracture... possible concussion."

"I'm fine," James insisted as they wheeled him into trauma one."Where's my wife?"

I gowned and gloved and came up beside him on the stretcher. "Sir, just lie back so we can examine you," I responded, begining my exam. The gash on his forehead was superficial. I pressed some gauze on it. There was redness around his ribs, but no distension, so internal injuries were unlikely. It was the head injury I was most worried about. "Sir, do you know where you are?"

"I'm at the friggin hospital, I'm fine. I have to get home. My wife-"

"Just let us get a good look at you, and then we can help you with your wife." I shone a penlight into his eyes, his right pupil was slow to respond. Not good. We had to move quickly on this, I had to know the extent of the bleed, if it would stop on its own. "Okay, lets get him for a head CT and an X-ray for his ribs." The nurses and orderlies nodded and did as I ordered. I was glad they didn't seem to care about my pedigree. Rushing Mr. Anderson to the CT room I passed Sofia and mouthed a thank you. This was better than rectals, for sure.

"Damn," I muttered when I saw the CT scan. There was definitely bleeding. Just as he was being pulled out of the machine, he started seizing. "Crap! Page Dr. Peters and Perretti now!" I yelled as I ran into the CT room. "Stablize him." A couple nurses came on the other side and held him. "Get me ten cc of lorazepam. A syringe ended up in my hand and I injected it quickly into his vein. He still continued to sieze.

"Dammit." My gut told me that it was the brain bleed. There was too much pressure in his brain.

"What's going on?" Sofia asked breathlessly.

"He's seizing- I think his ICP is too high. Where's Perretti and Peters?"

"They're still in surgery."

"Sofia, page an attending-" I was terrified, every second we wait, he was in danger of permanent irreperable brain damage.

"No. You can do this Shepherd."

"I- What?"

"We just need to drill some burr holes." She snapped some gloves on, "Get me a crainiotomy kit," She ordered a nurse.

"Have you done this before?" I asked, astonished.

"Nope. But you have."

I flashed back to when I was fourteen and had snuck into my dad's class to observe him teaching crainiotomies to med students. Afterwords I tried it for myself. "That? That was a stupid sneaky thing I did on a skull in my Dad's classroom. There's a brain in this skull."

"We have to do something Shepherd."

"Like wait for Peters!"

"He won't make it in time! Glove up!" The crainotmy tray was in front of me. The patient had stopped seizing as the nurses had administered a powerful sedative.

 _Screwed. I'm so Screwed._

"All you have to do is drill some holes, ok? You can do this," Sofia was saying.

A calm came over me, like I knew what I was supposed to do. Like I knew what would happen next and it would be okay.

Suddenly a drill was in my hands. Time slowed down, the noise of the drill overwhelmed my senses as I stared at the man's head. Suddenly I felt a shift in the drill, so I quickly lifted it. There was pink, and then there was blood pulsing out. Sofia said something and pointed to another spot on the man's head. I pointed the drill. Before I could continue, I heard shouting. I was shoved out of the way, the drill ripped from my hands. Rebecca, and someone else, showed up in my peripheral vision. I assumed Peters. He barked some orders, but he held the drill. After a second, he drilled into the man's skull. Suddenly I couldn't breathe. Oxygen had left the room. Air. I needed air. I ran out of the room down the hall and through the exit. Nausea overtook me and I horked the remnants of my mac and cheese onto the sidewalk.

I stood there, panting, my mouth all gross with stomach acid, my throat burning. I wanted to curl up and die.

"Shepherd, get in here, now." Rebecca said. She had a serious expression on her face. Crap.

xxx

We were in the conference room. Sofia, Rebecca and Peters.

Dr. Peters was a small man, but he was intense, and that was scary. He glared at me and Sofia like he wanted to squash us. "Mr. Anderson is being prepped for surgery as we speak, so I'll keep this short. Dr. Torres, Dr. Shepherd, You _ever_ do anything like that without an attending present, I myself will throw you onto a table and drill holes into your skull! Is that understood?"

"Uh, Yes sir." We both replied.

"That said, he's alive, and there's a good chance he'll have a full recovery if crainiotomy I perform is successful."

I nodded, and resisted the urge to look at anything other than my shoes.

"Dr. Shepherd, you'll be scrubbing in."

"Huh?" My head shot up so fast I got dizzy.

"Don't make me change my mind."

"No sir."

Dr. Peters nodded, turned and left the room. Now I was left with Rebecca.

Sofia cleared her throat. "Well, I'll just..." She started toward the door.

"Oh no you don't, Torres," She snapped. But Rebecca's wrath was on me. "I didn't assign you to trauma, Shepherd. You were supposed to be on SCUT. If that man dies or has brain damage I will make sure you never practice medicine again!" She paced, stopped and pointed a finger back at me.I kept my face emotionless as she continued to rant, but she was so cute when she ranted. "You were irresponsible and reckless," She continued, "You were so concerned with trying to prove yourself, you forgot that you were putting everyone in that room at risk for malpractice. God- you are just so... so stupid!

"And you Sofia, What the hell? You let an intern drill burr holes? Both of you will be getting a write up. If this goes bad, you will be on probation if not worse. Now get out of here."

We scurried out of there, Sofia snickering behind me. "Holy cow, she was so worried about you."

"What?"

"I think she has a crush on you."

"I-Huh- what are you talking about?" I could feel my face flush and I averted my gaze.

"Oh my God... you slept with her."

Nothing could escape Sofia's love radar. I smirked, "Yeah, the old Shepherd method." But my face betrayed my feelings as I felt the heat in my cheeks again.

"Oh. My. God. You like her!"

I shook my head no, but she knew the truth. "I better go scrub in," I said as I pushed past her and turned down the hall to the scrub room, leaving Sofia on her own.

xxx

Thankfully, Mr Anderson's surgery was successful. I was scrubbing out when Dr. Peters entered the scrub room.

"Dr. Shepherd." He turned on the tap and started the scrub-out routine.

"Dr. Peters."

"You'll be monitoring Mr. Anderson's Post-op recovery tonight."

"Of course."

"You know, I worked with your mother, she reccomended me for a neuro fellowship here, she made a very generous offer to keep me."

I didn't know what to say about that. "Oh."

"The last year I worked under her, she was, scattered to say the least. Then she retired."

"Yeah, well it was time." Again, I felt a pang in my heart. Why did he have to bring up my mother? Why was it always about her?

"Who's George?"

"What?"

"She called me George once."

"Oh, I don't know," the name sounded familiar, maybe Uncle Alex mentioned him once.

"You've got your mothers instincts, and it's only because of her that I let you scrub in." Dr. Peters said.

I was silent for a minute, pushing the soapy water up my forearms. "Dr. Peters, I hope that you, as an experienced attending, will be able to see past my parents name and take me for the doctor I am, not the doctor everyone thinks I will be." I brought the soap down and lathered between my fingers. "If I had been anybody else, I probably would be on probation for my actions today. I know you covered for my mom and she helped you get your neuro fellowship, but you should know that she did that because you deserved it, not because of anything you did for her." I rinsed the soapy water off and shook my hands over the sink. Droplets of water spattered over the stainless steel. "In fact, you're lucky she didn't kill you for not reporting her sooner. So, to be clear, I'm an intern. I'm going to screw up and make mistakes. Make sure I learn from them."

Dr. Peters regarded me sternly as I dried my hands. "Very well, Dr. Shepherd."

xxx

I pulled up into the driveway of the old house. It was my mothers old house. Years ago, she sold it to Uncle Alex, but after her diagnosis, she bought it back because the house that my father built was too far from anything and too close to the woods where she might wander off in.

It was early in the morning, the sun just peaked over the horizon. I was beat. Zola called me last night and informed me that the movers had finished moving my furniture in, so I didn't have to sleep in the trailer. Thank God. It was moldy in there. Entering the house, I immediately noticed Zola fast asleep on the couch. I covered her with a blanket and walked to the kitchen. I thought mom would be in there, even if she wasn't a cook. But it was empty. I poured myself a glass of O.J and checked around for her. "Mom?"

There was no answer. I walked to the stairs, but decided to check the den first. There she was, in a chair. Legs crossed, hands clasped over her knee. Her hair was a mess, and the lines on her face seemed deeper and darker, matching the bags under her eyes. A large plain grey sweatshirt masked her small frame and clashed with her blue pajama pants. She was missing a slipper.

 _But what if everything you made for yourself was gone? What if you couldn't even recall what you had done with your life? If everything that made you who you are was gone- who were you? Could you become yourself again?_

I wanted to think that she was lost in thought, but by the blank look in her eyes, I knew she was just...lost. "Mom?" I called as I entered the den, hoping for that look of recognition that would flash over her features. Even if she called me Derek, as she sometimes did. But today there was nothing. The den was a mess. Books and articles and papers scattered the room. Pieces of paper with my mothers handwritten notes covered her desk. I felt her fear. The treatments weren't working. She was running out of time.

I sighed and ran my hands through my thick hair and sat in the chair opposite her. "Hi Mom, I'm home." She tilted her head slightly, her mouth moved but no words came out. She fiddled with her bracelet. It was a special bracelet, equipped with a sensor that would trigger an alarm if she left the house without us deactivating it first. But she didn't know that. To her it was a watch, I often caught her glancing at it, like she was checking the time.

"You wouldn't believe the day I had..." I started, sipping my juice. With a smile, I told her everything about my first day as an intern at Grey-Sloan Memorial. I told her about Chief Bailey and rectal exams; lunch with Sofia and burr holes and crainiotomies. As I did, I could see that she was trying hard to come back, she would nod, or squint, or try to repeat a word I said.

Finally I sighed, drained the last of my juice and rested the empty glass on my knee. "Mom?"

"Are you the doctor?" she whispered.

I smiled but shook my head. "No mom. I'm not your doctor. But I am a doctor."

"Oh." She said softly. She twisted the bracelet again. "I think I was a doctor."

"You were. You were a surgeon. One of the best."

"Oh," she said, she blinked, "Do I know you?" She looked up, her grey-green eyes searching mine.

"It's me mom... Bailey." I took her hand in mine, rubbing her tired fingers. "I'm your son."

 _I guess you just have to start over with what you know... what's familiar. What you love. And from there... fill in the gaps._

 **A/N** So what do you think? What's your reaction? I would love to hear from you! I will let my readers know that this will be a long story-longer than any I have written before, and it's not a simple story- it will be complex, but definitely not boring. For MerDer fans, it will be awhile before Derek will be here, but it will be worth it in the end, Promise! Up next we go back in time four years... What's Zola doing these days?


	2. Out of Africa

**A/N** Okay, thank you very much for all your kind words and reviews! It is very motivating and inspiring! Yes, Mer has Alzheimers, and you will see in the coming chapters how she copes with it, and how her children cope with it... And it won't be as sad as the last scene. There will be some good moments. Again, will there be a cure? Hmmm... Some of you are wondering about Derek. Can't reveal much- all I can say is it will be revealed little by little for awhile and then it will all be explained. Don't give up hope! The characters will believe one thing, but that is not exactly the truth.

For continuity sake, and to make it easier for me, the McKids are all two years apart- so keep that in mind. This chapter features Zola. It's four years ago from the last chapter and Zola is twenty-three. She is a Nurse.

Enjoy!

 **Zola**

 **Chapter 2:** Out of Africa

 **Feburary 28 2034**

 _You think you can handle it. You grow up with all this... confidence. And you say to the world, 'bring it on, I can take it... But sometimes we forget that the world is unpredictable. And the next thing you know, your whole life is upside down. Then what do you do?_

Heat. Heat baked the ground and caused it to crack in thin lines like a broken eggshell. Heat, a dry uncomfortable heat that did not relent even when the wind blew, because the wind was _hot_ like a blowdryer in your face. I was a chicken being spun in a rotisserie, except there was no more moisture left in my body.

It was noon, in Bedele, Ethiopia. I sucked the last drop of water from my water bottle as I lay back on the cot in my tent. We were waiting. Waiting for the men to come back from the well. They had been drilling for two days, but as always, this was Africa, and nothing ever went as planned here.

A shadow appeared in the doorway and I heard a shuffle of sandled feet. I opened one eye to view my visitor. "Dr. Stanley?" What was he doing here? Of course, he was my friend and mentor here at the clinic, but he never entered my tent.

He looked at me over his glasses, the dark skin on his forehead wrinkling. "Zola, you have a call." That got my attention. I usually called home once every week or so, even if it was just to leave a video message for my mom. I just called her a few days ago and everything seemed fine.

"My mom?" I asked.

"She says she is your aunt."

I shot up out of the cot. "What? What did she say?" I slipped on my sandals.

"She is waiting to speak to you." Dr. Stanley said as I tore past him and dashed to the clinic. I burst through the main doors and scrambled down the hall to Stanley's office. On his desk was a tablet, I touched the screen and came face to face with my Aunt Maggie.

"Maggie," I gasped, out of breath.

"Zola," Maggie's face wrinkled in concern. "Are you okay? You look-"

"It's nothing," I panted. "Just out of breath, I ran here."

"Oh, okay," she said, "So how are you?"

I was too worried to deal with pleasantries. Why, of all people, was Maggie calling me? "Why are you calling me?"

Maggie let out a long breath. "Don't tell your mother I called..."

"What? What is it?"

"She's sick, Zo.

"Sick? How sick? Is she in the hospital?"

"No, no... Physically, she's fine but... it's been confirmed. She's been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers Disease."

Maggie's words swirled around me. _Alzheimers._ For a moment, my world stopped. It wasn't a surprise, not really. Mom had talked about it before- she had actually done extensive research and even spearheaded developments on treating and curing the disease. She had even written a book. But now? So soon? We thought it wouldn't happen for a long time, or that it wouldn't happen at all. Of course, now everything made sense. Lately when I had spoken to her, she had seemed off a little. She kept asking me who Dr. Stanley was- even though I mentioned him multiple times. She had even met him before. Sometimes she would repeat things that she had just told me only a few minutes ago. Once, when we were having a argument, she called me Maggie before telling me to 'shove it.' Which she had would never say to her own daughter. Adopted or not.

"Zo?" Maggie's voice interrupted my thoughts.

"Okay." I swallowed. "So what do we do? What's the plan?"

"Well, I don't know exactly. I can't get time off yet to go see her. But your Mom is planning to tell Bailey and Ellis in a month when he comes home from spring break. It's just-"

"What?" I asked.

"I don't think she should be alone. But she doesn't want you to come back until you're done your practicum."

It sounded like mom, always the self-sacrificing one. Times like this I wished my dad was here, he always knew what to do. But he was long gone, and I was the responsible one in the family.

"What about Ellis? She's still living at home right?

Maggie cleared her throat. "Erm, They're not getting along, they had a big fight. I don't know if El is going to stick around."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know, I didn't ask. It was hard enough for Meredith to tell me about her diagnosis."

"Yeah... Okay."

"Look, no one is forcing you to come back. It's just- I'm worried, and I think she needs someone to be around while she figures things out. If you want to be here that's great, if not- I'll arrange things. Think about it. Don't make any decisions yet- just call me later okay?"

"Okay," I sighed.

"Well, I love you, take care of yourself in Africa."

"Bye Auntie."

"Bye Zo."

I tapped the red button to end the call. What was I going to do? I sat back in the chair and covered my face with my hands. Everything was different now. Again. And what the hell did Ellis do to get kicked out? I missed my dad.

The door to the office squeaked open and I looked up to see Dr. Stanley. His usual jovial expression was now serious, and I didn't blame him. The situation here was dire.

"Please come." He said.

I followed him out of the office, back into the clinic. He handed me a pack of sanitzing gel, which I scrubbed over my already very dry and cracked hands. We didn't have water to waste washing up everytime we met a new patient.

We were in a room with fourteen cots. Ten of them were occupied with patients, most of them in fair condition as we tried to battle through this drought. Just a few more weeks, we would have rain, and rain meant water, and water meant more food and better nutrition. Right now though, we could only scrape by by the skin of our teeth.

Dr. Stanley handed me a chart and guided me to a patient curled up on the bed. It was a young woman, about my age, but she was as skinny as death. Her eyes were vacant. She knew. She knew this could be the end. "This is Leola, she has just given birth to a little boy, but there were complications. She has no breastmilk for her son as she is extremely dehydrated. Due to her malnutrition, we will have to give her an NG tube."

I nodded. Without water to cook with, even the food we did have available could not be easily digested, especially at this level of Malnutrition.

"What about the baby?" I asked.

"He is five pounds, he is a fighter. I have taken him to the nursery. We will try to give him a little formula and see how it goes. He may also need a tube, but we will see."

"Okay."

"After you have put the tube in, please come and see me."

"Yes Dr. Stanley."

xxx

I met Dr. Stanley again in his office. He was talking on the phone in Amharic, the Ethiopian language. Actually, it was about two thirds Amharic and a smattering of a few other native languages as well as english. There were, however, two words that I understood all too well. 'Water please.' That was what I liked about Dr. Stanley. He was always polite, even when he was yelling. I could tell that he was negotiating, and by the exasperation in his voice, the other party was driving a hard bargain. I stood politely and waited. Finally, he hung up the phone and smiled brilliantly.

"Thank the Lord almighty!" He thundered. "Zola, I have aquired two large rain buckets of water from the village of Dala in exchange for medical supplies. You must take Julian and the twins and complete the transaction." He scribbled on a piece of paper the supplies I would need to gather.

I stared at the list. It was extensive. "But we need those," I said. Blankets, needles, suture kits, IV's.

"Not right now. Now we need water. I need to stay here and monitor things- but you must go, and hurry, there is no time to waste."

"Right of course sir. I'll find everyone and we will go." I headed to the door.

"Good." He said.

At the doorway, I stopped. "Sir, um... about that call earlier?"

"Yes Zola." He seemed to understand the serious nature of it.

"I might be going home... my mom-"

He waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "Zola, I understand. You will do what you have to do."

"Okay. Thanks."

"We will talk later."

xxx

I walked out to the courtyard, looking for my colleagues. It was scorching out. This time of day, with no water, death hovered. Just a week ago, people had been milling about, doing their business, but today no one moved unless they had to. I needed to find the twins, Phil and Peter. Actually, that wasn't their names, their real names were very hard to pronounce, so they just called themselves something easier for us non natives. I smiled faintly to myself. They were good boys though, regardless of their names.

I found them under a large tree, Phil swung on a hammock and Peter rested on a blanket on the ground.

"Guys," I said as I strolled up.

"Zola!" They both said at the same time. Sometimes they did that, it was weird.

"We have to load the truck."

"In this heat?" Peter asked.

"We're going to Dala to trade for water. There's no time to waste."

Phil sat up in the hammock. "The well isn't done yet?"

I shrugged. "All I know is that we have no more water right now, unless we go to Dala to get some."

Peter muttered something in his native tongue to Phil and he nodded. They both stood up. I handed them the list of supplies we needed. "Start gathering these, I'll get the truck."

They looked at the list. "Okay Zola," Peter said, flashing a smile. "C'mon," he said to his brother.

"And hurry!" I yelled. We could not afford to be on African time here.

Now I needed to find Julian. He was a jack-of-all trades. Part mechanic, part medic, part translator, part guard. He was essential to everything that happened around here. I saw him slouched over the engine of a Jeep, cursing in three different languages.

"Julian!" I called.

He looked up, startled, than hissed in pain and shook his hand. "Eeyah!"

"Ooh, sorry, burn yourself?" I came closer and grabbed his hand to look at it.

"It's nothing." He pulled his hand away and grimaced. "What's going on?"

"C'mon," I said, pulling him with me to the garage. "We're going on a trip."

xxx

We nicknamed the truck 'the Beast.' It was probably fifty years old and I was sure that every part had been replaced at least once. But it was big, and reliable. I jumped in the drivers seat and Julian scrambled in beside me, carrying a rifle. It was for our protection. Although things were relatively peaceful, there still could be trouble.

I reversed out of the garage with ease and we rumbled over to the supply building where Peter and Phil were waiting. They loaded the truck for us and hopped in the back. We were on our way.

As we pulled onto the main road, I looked over at my friend Julian. I had to talk about the phone call this morning, I had to know what he thought. I cleared my throat. "Julian... um Imightbeleaving."

"Huh?"

"My mom, she's sick. I might go home."

Julian looked over at me, his dark eyes soft.

"I don't know if I should go, or stay and finish... I mean she's not that sick right now, but she's alone and she's probably mad as hell at what's happening to her... I know she would want me to stay and finish- so I can get into the Nurse Practioner program. She wouldn't want me to drop everything...Idon'tknowwhattodo," The words poured out of me and I felt my throat constrict. There were no tears though. Not enough water for tears.

Julian was silent for awhile as I shifted gears on the beast. We were on the 'highway' which was really just a very packed down two lane dirt road. I actually enjoyed driving. Guess I got that from my dad. Julian took a small sip from his canteen and offered me some. I took it, my eyes never leaving the road.

"I don't give advice Zola, but whatever it is you choose, it will be the right thing. You always choose the right thing." Julian said quietly.

I sighed. That was nice, but it didn't help. I still didn't know what to do.

Up ahead there was a checkpoint. Several vehicles were pulled over and where there had been few people along the side of the road, there was now about a hundred. "Crap." I said. We had to get through.

Julian cocked his rifle as we slowed down and were directed to park. Three men in green military uniforms and carrying machine guns approached the cab, barking orders. I let Julian take charge, he was the diplomatic one. Me? I usually just told people what to do.

Julian smiled graciously at the officers and spoke in Amharic and English as he answered their questions and explained the situation. They wanted money, or supplies in return for getting through. I was scared. It was possible that they could commandeer the truck and everything in it. In the back, Peter and Phil anxiously eyed the crowd. I fiddled with my watch, a habit I picked up from mom.

Finally the men stopped talking and stepped back from the truck. They spoke among themselves.

"What's going on?" I whispered to Julian.

"They are coming up with a price." Julian said. "We have no money."

"So we'll have to give them some of our supplies." I said slowly.

"I offered them something else."

My heart lept into my throat. "What?"

Julian smiled. "We'll bring them water."

I bit my lip, looked back at the guards, and looked back at Julian. How could he be so assured and calm? They could take everything, or shoot us, or worse. And now the crowd was pressing in on the truck having heard the discussion, and the word 'water'. All we had was two teenage boys and a man with a rifle that has five bullets. I gripped the steering wheel. Any sign of trouble I would gun it. I didn't care.

The men seemed to come up with some sort of agreement, and one of them ran back to the shack. The leader, a tall man with a scar peeking out from his shirt to touch his collarbone, walked over to us and spoke to Julian. Julian smiled and thanked the man several times in his native tongue.

The one in the shack returned, carrying three large empty jugs. He threw them into the back of the truck.

I turned the ignition. The roar of the engine also jumpstarted my heart. The guards waved us through and we rumbled on through the checkpoint. Dala was only a few miles away.

"That was such a high..." I said, "I don't know why anybody does drugs."

Julian's eyes were wide with excitement. He understood. It was days like this that made me realize why I was here. Anybody could be a nurse in some hospital in a developed country, handing out meds and bathing compliant patients. But here, miles from any support, where every day was dangerous in and of itself, I could be extraordinary.

xxx

By some miracle, we made it back to Bedele with two large rainbuckets full of water. Before Phil and Peter could unload their precious cargo l leaped onto the truck and plunged a gallon sized jug into the bucket. The clinic needed water. Now. "Bring one bucket to the clinic," I told the boys. "The other bucket needs to rationed to the villagers. Julian, make sure that nursing mothers get water first."

With that I ran back into the clinic. I had to check on Leola. I rushed to her bed and grabbed a plastic cup. She was lying in the same position that she had when I left. "Leola," I shook her. She didn't move. "Leola." I shook her again. "No..." I muttered, my hand jerking to her neck to feel for a pulse. There was none. Her skin felt cold. "No..."

The jug I held suddenly felt twice as heavy. I couldn't grip it. Suddenly the weight was gone and I turned around. Dr. Stanley stood behind me holding the jug. He took the plastic cup out of my hand and splashed some water into it and handed it to me. I took a heaving gulp. He put the jug on the table and turned to Leola's body. Carefully, he uncurled her and laid her on her back. He rested her arms over her abdomen, and then covered her under a white sheet.

He poured some more water into my cup and pressed his hands over mine. "Come and see the baby."

xxx

I blinked. The last hour or so had been a blur. I couldn't really recall any details except that Dr. Stanley handed me a tiny living breathing bundle that was crying for dear life. And I was trying to coax it, bit by bit to suck on the bottle of formula in my hand.

"Shhh..." I whispered. "Shhh..."

 _But there is one thing that you have when you go against the world._

I heard a noise and looked up. Julian. He didn't smile, he just came beside me and gave me a hug, kissing the top of my head. We had never kissed before, but there was nothing awkard or uncomfortable about the gesture. He looked down at the baby and touched his tiny chest with a finger. The baby tried to suckle on his fingertip.

 _Friends._

"I wanna name him." I said. It wasn't my baby, but the baby needed a name. In a few weeks if no one claimed him he would be transferred to an orphanage where they would assign him an African name. But for now, while he was still here, we needed to call him something.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... I'm gonna call him Baby Derek."

"Baby Derek." Julian repeated. "After your father."

"Yeah... I miss him."

"It's a good name."

I nodded. Baby Derek must have liked the name because he stopped crying. His little brown fist with a white birthmark was halfway in his mouth as he sucked on it. "Julian, I decided."

 _Family._

I didn't need to say anything more. Julian picked up Baby Derek from my arms, "Then you better call your Aunt."

"Will you still be here?" I asked. "I mean, I don't know... this kind of thing, I might never see you."

Julian smiled again. He was always smiling. Damn. "Zo- the world is not as big as you think. We will see each other again."

xxx

 _Because when you think you're alone..._

The winding road to the house in the woods seemed longer than I remembered. But suddenly the trees cleared and I could see the house my father built. I was nervous. Although I knew my mother loved me, I also knew she would be furious at me for dropping out of the program I had worked so hard to get into. I didn't know how she would react.

The cab pulled up and I paid the driver. I hauled out my luggage from the trunk and walked up to the front door. I didn't have a key with me so I had to knock. It was a nailbiting few minutes before the door swung open. "Hi mom." I said.

"Zola, What the hell are you doing here?" My mom stood in the doorway.

I shrugged. "Just came to visit." I said

Mom stepped back to let me in as I pulled in my suitcases. "Maggie told you. I knew I couldn't trust her."

I ignored her and walked down the hall to my room. I was tired and weary from my trip. I didn't want to argue. But she was my mother and arguing was part of the package. "Mom-" I started.

She followed me "You worked so hard to get into that program Zo- You're not supposed to be here. I've still got time. You need to go back, finish the program and get your NP."

"Mom- it's not like that. You can't choose for me okay? I want to be here." I flopped on my old bed.

"No. It's my choice. I don't want you here."

"You can't get rid of me mom... I'm staying right here." I could play this game too. Ellis and Bailey had given me lots of practice. To prove my point, I unzipped my large suitcase and started to unpack.

"No." Mom came up beside me and started to pack what I was unpacking. "Go back, finish the program, you've got a year left. I'll be fine, I can figure this out."

I sighed loudly and grabbed the folded clothes from her hands. "Mom stop it!"

She stopped. Her eyes betrayed her shock at my words. "You _want_ to be here?" She asked softly.

 _You're really not._

I pushed the suitcase to the other side of the bed and sat down, dragging my mother down with me. "Mom, you chose me. You picked me. And you love me. How can I not do the same? I can do my nursing here. I just, I don't want you to be alone."

Mom nodded and sniffed. "It's- it's happening so fast. I thought I had more time."

"I know."

She leaned on my shoulder and I hugged her.

"Stupid Alzhiemers," she muttered and we both laughed.

 **A/N** And that's that! Would love to hear from you, you're comments and opinions are appreciated! I would like to know what you think of my portrayal of Bailey and Zola so far, and their friends. Do you like these characters? Do they ring true for you?

FYI Zola is studying to be a Nurse Practioner- so you can google that if you like. It's basically like advanced nursing with the training to diagnose and perscribe medication for some acute and/or chronic conditions.

Next chapter is Ellis- And a Flashback about Derek as a dad!


	3. Quitting

**A/N** Hello all! Thanks for reading! It is so great to get emails letting me know that you care where this story is going. Plot is a little slow right now but will pick up soon. It's just important to establish these characters as we travel through.

Just want to let you know that for the next couple chapters I kind of jump around timewise a bit- for dramatic effect. I will try and make it clear for you.

This chapter occurs a few days _**before**_ Zola arrives home. Ellis is 19.

Enjoy!

 **Chapter 3 Ellis** : Quitting

 **Feburary 26 2034:**

 _I've always lived with people who knew exactly what they wanted. Ambitious, Driven. They wanted to succeed, and they did. But what if I just want to be happy? My dad always told me to do what I love..._

The sound of raindrops spattering on my window greeted me in the morning as I stumbled out of bed to the bathroom. It was seven am. I heard my mom up and about, getting ready for work. I didn't want to get her attention, but I really had to pee. Just as I got up from the toilet- my mom barged in.

"Mom!" I gasped, quickly pulling up my pj bottoms. I forgot to lock the door.

"What's this?" She asked, shoving a piece of paper in my face.

"Um..." Crap. She knew. How does she know this stuff?

"You lost your scholarship?"

"Well... um," I finished washing my hands and walked past her into the living room.

"Ellis, you're smart and capable, how can you manage to get less than a 2.0?"

I cleared my throat. "I kinda decided tonotshowupforclass?" I breathed out as I tried to get as far away from her as I could.

"What?"

"I don't want to go to college anymore mom... I dropped out."

The words seemed to hit her like a bomb. She looked at the letter, looked at me again. I bit my lip. Shoulda just held my pee. She was still in shock, so I kept rambling, "I'm not like Bailey okay? I'm not ambitious... and I'm not going to spend hours studying and reading like Zola. I just- I just don't care about that stuff like they do."

Mom seemed to be listening, but I couldn't tell what she was going to do. She was very unpredictable lately I noticed. "So what are you going to do? What's your plan?"

I actually hadn't thought that far ahead, I just sorta went with things you know? "Um, well..."

 _But I don't know what that is..._

"You're giving up on college, your future, your career..." We were in the kitchen now, and mom was pouring coffee in her travel mug.

I could feel the rage build up inside me. Why? Why do we have to argue about this? Why couldn't she just let me be and figure my life out myself? "I don't want it. I don't want to be put in a box, mom."

"You can't just quit, Ellis. Grey's don't quit."

"I'm a Shepherd." I could feel the lava rising, she wanted to press buttons? I could press buttons too. "And you did quit, mom. You quit on dad!"

Her expression was suddenly pained. Oops, I pushed that a little far. But...

"No. I didn't quit. I could never- I had to move on, for you and Bailey and Zola-"

"Oh you're such a martyr, 'Big Sacrifice'" I raised my fingers in air quotes. "You gave up on him to help us? But then you dive into work and you ignore me because I'm not interested in surgery or medicine."

Mom sighed and put her face in her hands-clearly this was not the way she imagined this conversation to go, "Ellis..." She breathed.

But I couldn't stop myself.

"You should've been with us that day! But no- you were halfway across the country on some kind of book tour to expand your career. Ever since then I've hated you. I hate you!" Now for the storm away exit. I spun around and started for the door to my room. But mom was quick and slid in front of me, I almost ran into her.

 _I don't know what I love anymore..._

"You want to hate me? Fine. Go ahead. But you don't have the right to quit. Not in my house. I won't have quitters in my house."

"Fine." I said.

"Fine." She muttered. She picked up her keys, phone and her purse. "I'm going to work. You better not be here when I get back." With that, she left, slamming the door behind her.

xxx

The dorms at Washington University, while recently renovated, were still musty smelling. I weaved in and out of the crowds in the halls, cringing at the door slamming and noises of people scrambling about to get to class. I stopped at Riella's room, my best friend since high school senior year and knocked on the door."Ree!" I called, "Open up!"

The door swung open and Riella stood there, a scowl on her face. "El, what're you doing here?"

"Let's play a game of whose life sucks the most," I started as I pushed past her and entered her dormroom.

"Not this again." Riella rolled her eyes and followed me in.

"I win. I always win." I slumped on her couch.

"Is this about Cory?" Riella slumped down beside me.

"Cory is a lying, cheating Mcbastard."

"You've said that before."

I pulled out a bottle of vodka from my bag and unscrewed the lid. "I know, but it's not about Corey this time."

"Okay..."

"I lost my scholarship, dropped out of college, and my mom kicked me out." I took a swig of the Vodka. It was strong and I wasn't used to it. "Bleah." I shivered. "And I broke up with Cory, again. Can you beat that?"

"Nope. So, What're you going to do?" she asked.

"I'm going to stay here with Mr. Vodka and wallow until I throw up or die."

"You're a vapid narsicist."

"Do you even know what that means?"

"Nope. But you should talk to Cory, I think he just made a mistake."

"Oh you're real supportive." I took another sip of the Vodka. "Blech."

"Sorry, I forgot you're still wallowing."

"I'm wallowing." I smiled sadly and offered Riella the bottle."Ugh. My mom is driving me to drink!"

Riella grabbed the bottle from my hands and got up from the couch. I heard a trickling noise behind me. "Hey what're you doing?"

Riella was pouring the bottle down the drain. I jumped up and ran over to her. "Hey, that's expensive- you know how much I paid to bribe the guy to buy that?"

Riella tilted the bottle up. "Relax, I was going to leave you some... here. " She handed the bottle back to me. There was about two inches of liquid at the bottom of the bottle.

"Sorry," she said, "just didn't want my room to smell like vomit when I got back. I have study group, I'll join you for Mommy bashing later."

"Kay." I said. I took another swig. "Bleah," I shuddered.

When the bottle was empty I felt light headed and free, like all my problems had vanished. I giggled. It was weird drinking alone. I wasn't even in a bar. There wasn't even anyone to share my problems with, like a bartender. I giggled again. I tried to stand up but the world wanted to tilt on it's axis when I stood up, and that made it hard to take a step. Where was the floor? My knees wobbled and I ended up back on the couch. Probably a good thing. I was feeling kinda tired anyway... I missed my dad.

xxx

 _Flashback: 10 years ago_

 _It was evening, the sun was just starting to set in the west and I was watching it dip slowly behind the trees across the lake. I stood on the dock by myself. Yesterday was my ninth birthday and Dad had taken me out by myself and showed me how to fish. He showed me how to hook the bait on and how to move the line to attract fish._

 _Earlier today, we had been out on the boat, and while mom and Zo and Bailey were bored by the whole experience, dad and I had a lot of fun. Except we didn't catch anything except weeds. That's why I was out here on the dock. I baited the hook, reeled in the line, swung- and released. The line flew in the air with a long hiss and landed with a soft plunk! Purple ripples disturbed the otherwise perfect reflection of the sky in the water._

 _I tugged gently on the line, moving in a sort of zig zag, slowly, slowly reeling the line in. My little samba in the water must have worked. There was a sudden pull on the line and it definitely wasn't a weed. It shocked me. But I remembered what my dad did when he had a bite and I began to reel the fish in again, making sure not to give it too much line to get away. Finally I saw the fish break through the water. I thought it would be bigger, it had pulled so hard. I reeled in a few more feet of line until the fish was flopping awkardly on my line._

 _I looked behind me. The rest of the family was just up the bank sitting around a fire talking and laughing. I wanted to show them what I did. But first, I had to get the hook out. I grabbed the fish to hold it still- ouch! The scales were rough! It was like gripping a pine cone. With my hand I tried to manuever the hook out, but it was in too deep and I was scared the fish would bite me. I didn't have any pliers. I needed help._

 _Holding the fish in one hand and the rod in the other, I ran up the bank to my dad. "Dad!" I called._

 _He looked over to me, squinting in the firelight._

 _"Dad! I caught a fish!"_

 _"Hey! Look at that!" He said, his silver and black beard curving upwards in a smile. "Look what El did guys! I think we all know who the breadwinner is here!"_

 _Bailey and Zola walked over to check out my catch, and my mom smiled brightly and murmured, "That's great El."_

 _"I can't get the hook out." I said._

 _"No problem." He grabbed the fish and expertly pulled the hook out of its mouth. "Okay! Who wants dinner?"_

 _Mom raised her eyebrows. "You're gonna eat that? Seriously?"_

 _"Better than pizza," Dad chuckled._

 _"Pizza?" Bailey piped up._

 _"Not unless you like anchovies dear," Mom giggled._

 _"Well, come on then." Dad got up from his chair and led me to a small shack. On the wall of the shack was a series of small thin knives. "Okay, we're going to gut it, debone it and then we'll cook it, okay?"_

 _"Kay dad," I watched carefully as he slid the knife expertly through the fish, gutting and then filleting it. It wasn't a very big fish, but he managed to cut it into five bite sized pieces._

 _"Go to the trailer and bring some oil, an egg, and the breadcrumb mix."_

 _A few minutes later I watched the small fish nuggets frying in the pan over the fire. Dad let me have the first piece after it cooled off. It was good. Nothing like mom's fishsticks._

 _Later, as dad was tucking me into bed that night, I asked him, "Can I be a fisherman someday?"_

 _"Sure." He said gazing at me with his soft blue eyes. "Ellis..." He whispered, "you- you're different."_

 _"I'm different?" I wasn't sure if that was good or not._

 _"Your mom and I... we always had to be the best. We grew up like that. We always work extra hard to get what we want, that's how it is for us... But you," he sighed, "You're a free spirit. You are going to set your own path. Don't be like your brother and sister okay? Just be you. Be a fisherman, or do something fun, that you love, okay?"_

 _I had the feeling that he was trying to tell me more than my nine year-old brain could grasp, but it felt right, I felt his love from that message, and somehow it sunk in deeper than I could imagine._

xxx

From that happy memory I drifted, down into something deeper, blacker. Something my subconsious knew but I was not aware-

 _My stomach was rolling- my body was cold. I was gripping something metal in one hand and soft and warm in the other. Except I was being stretched, ripped._

 _"Ellis!"_

 _I looked down into my fathers fearful eyes. I was holding his arm and he was hanging under me- my other arm gripping a metal bar._

 _"Ellis!" He called again, his eyes tearful as he risked a glance at the blackness below._

 _His grip was slipping._

 _"Dad!" I screamed. I wasn't strong enough. Gravity was winning. I looked around, no one could help me. I couldn't let him go. But my grip on the bar was slipping._

 _"El, You have to-"_

 _"No!" I screamed._

 _"Let me go-" he said._

 _"No! Daddy!" The nerves in my fingers were shot, I couldn't feel the metal bar anymore just pins and needles._

 _He looked down at the blackness. "El, tell them I love them and I'm sorry." He said._

 _Pain- sharp stabbing pain in my hand. I let go. He fell._

 _"No!"_

"No!" I shot off the couch and landed on the floor. "Ow!"

 _I feel what I love was ripped away_

"El? You okay?" A familiar voice asked. It wasn't Riella.

"Uncle Alex?" I squinted, the sun had come out and decided to shine directly in my field of vision. My head hurt. "How did you... Did my mom send you?"

"Doesn't matter."

I heard some shuffling, Alex must have closed the blinds because now I could see him. Of all my "relatives," He aged the best I thought. Salt and pepper hair, greyish mustache and goatee. If I had another twenty years on me, I'd go for him. "She did send you." I said.

"So what?" Alex replied. He put a glass full of water on the coffee table beside a couple of tylenols.

"How does she do that? She has mommy radar or something."

Alex snickered. "No, you're just predictable."

I gulped down the water and swallowed the pills, wiping my mouth.

"Hungry?" He asked.

I never turned down food. "Sure." I said "What time is it?"

He pursed his lips "Like three in the afternoon."

"Wow. I think I've been out like, five hours."

"C'mon, let's go grab a bite and you can tell me what the hell is going on."

xxx

The diner on the corner was old, but at least the food was nice and greasy. We ordered and for a few minutes we sat awkwardly across from each other. Finally Alex leaned on the table, his arms crossed under him, "So spill already, I don't have all day."

"She kicked me out." I blurted. "She hates me, she found out I dropped out of college and she's so pissed off because I'm different- cause I don't care about science or medicine or whatever. Well I'm sorry I don't wanna cure the world! God!"

"So what do you want to do?"

I shrugged. Therin lied my problem. I didn't know what I wanted to do, I had never been serious about it except on career day at school. I wanted to do everything, and nothing.

"What do you _like_ to do?" Alex asked.

"Drink." I said.

"C'mon, be serious"

I rolled my eyes. We were interrupted by the waitress bringing our burgers and fries to the table. Alex muttered thanks and took a sip of his milkshake. I nibbled on a couple fries, trying to make my brain work, it felt kind of sluggish. "I like taking pictures of stuff. I got a pretty cool camera."

"There now, see? You can take cool pictures and frame them and sell them at galleries and crap. Or you could be one of those photojournalists."

I shrugged again. "When I was nine, I wanted to be a fisherman." I took a bite out of the burger and was quite satisfied with the taste.

"See? Easy. Just pick something and do it. That's what bugs your mom you know... you don't have a plan." Alex chomped on his fries.

"Whatever."

"You know she loves you."

"Yeah, I love her too, and I hate her."

"She didn't mean to kick you out. She wants you back home."

"I'm not going home today."

"Where are you going to go then?"

I bit my lip. "I'm gonna go see Cory I think."

"Cory? He's an ass."

"I know. But he's a loveable ass...unfortunately."

We devoured our food and Alex offered me a ride, but he got paged for an emergency board meeting, and the hospital was in the opposite direction. I told him I was fine and I would just walk to Cory's place. It wasn't far and I needed time to think anyway.

xxx

It was three am when I arrived at home. Not Cory's, but home. After I left Alex at the diner, I went to see Cory but he wasn't home. I waited and waited for him but he never showed. So I gave up and went to Riella's instead, except she was dead asleep and her roomates were getting busy if you know what I mean. So I cabbed it home, hoping to get there late enough that mom would be snoring away in her bed and I could avoid her.

I paid the cabbie and fumbled in my bag for my keys as I walked up to the door. Then I noticed that mom's keys were still in the lock. Weird, I thought. I opened the door and snuck in, being careful not to let the door click shut. Apparently I wasn't as quiet as I thought because I heard a sharp gasping noise. I turned to see a silhoutte move on the couch.

"Mom?"

"Huh?" She said. I noticed a familiar bottle of tequila on the coffee table. It was half empty.

"Mom, are you drunk?" I asked.

 _Can I find it again? What I love? Is it out there somewhere?_

 **A/N** Okay, so that was a lot... This was a lot of fun to write. Alex is fun isn't he? So- that weird dream thing, real or imagined? What happened to Derek? That's going to take awhile, cause it's a slow burn. But in the meantime you get drunk Meredith! Next chapter- Meredith's day at work while Ellis was hanging out. What happened?


	4. Rip off the Bandage

**A/N:** Wow! Thanks so much for all your reviews! I do really appreciate your comments and take them into consideration. Some of you may have thought that it is out of character for Meredith to 'give up' as Ellis hinted at last chapter. Remember that Ellis thinks that, but that is her interpretation. I think once everything is revealed you will see, that Meredith acted to do what was right for her family based on what she knew at the time, and in her heart, she could never truly give up on Derek. I will have to leave it at that. As I said before, this story will be long and complex, so please have patience with this hard part of Meredith's Alzheimers. Like I said, there will be good moments.

You should know that one of the things that inspired me to write this is to bring a little more awareness to the disease of Alzheimers itself. Although no one in my family has been diagnosed with Alzheimers, my father has mild cognitive impairment (he's 75, so it's not uncommon) and my grandmother suffered with another form of dementia before she passed away, so this is not unfamiliar territory. Alzheimers directly affects more than 5 million people in the U.S, and that is just the people that are diagnosed, not the families who will be responsible for caring for their loved ones through this time. If you feel so inclined, please familiarize yourself with the facts on one of the many Alzheimers websites so we can spread awareness about the effects of the disease and help find a cure. Thanks.

Anyway, on to the story.

Also I forgot my disclaimers so I don't own anything, characters belong to Shonda I make no money from this. x 4

This is on the same day as last chapter- only Meredith's POV.

 **Meredith**

 **Chapter 4:** Ripping off the bandage.

 **Feb 26 2034**

As soon as I slammed the door, I regretted it. I let out a long breath and watched the vapour disappear in the cool morning air. Ellis. What was going on with her? Of all my kids, I just couldn't connect with her. I hated that I confronted her that way this morning. I could've just had a conversation with her, but that letter just surprised me. She was always so smart in school, smarter than Bailey in some ways- and always so determined, I thought. Until I found that letter in the trash when I was taking out the recycling. And I just reacted- and then she reacted. The two of us are like a violent chemical reaction sometimes. I walked to my car and threw my purse in the back. _God, what was wrong with me?_

I arrived at the hospital and walked to the elevator. Today was going to be a busy day. Alex already paged me for a consult and I knew I had a stack of paperwork on my desk that needed to be addressed. In the last three years since I took Chief of Surgery position, we had led this hospital to be the best teaching hospital in the U.S and on the forefront of innovation and research, but lately, I had been feeling the pressures of the job. It was becoming harder to focus on paperwork and I had been putting it off. That, combined with worry about my kids, especially Zola in Africa, I felt like I was slipping. Maybe it was menopause? I sighed, watching the elevator light -up the fifth floor. I just need to delegate more. Get stuff off my plate, maybe drop a few surgeries, or find someone who can handle finding research grants or do employee reviews. As I stepped out of the elevator, I made a note in my phone to review my options to delegate things.

I entered my office, plunked my purse down and reached for my white coat. I had to meet Alex for a consult. I checked the schedule for a resident and paged Dr. Peters as he was scheduled for general and I found him to be very reliable and thorough.

As I entered the Ped's Department, Dr. Peters met me at the patient's bedside, along with Dr. Karev.

"What do we have?"

Alex handed me the tablet. "I don't know, you tell me."

I looked at the scans, it wasn't anything I had seen before, but something didn't make sense. "There's no cirrohsis? No AFP markers?"

"No, but I'm sure there's a mass on his liver, I can't figure it out, what are we dealing with here? Because it looks like a heptocellular carcinoma, but there's none of the usual symptoms, plus he's only fifteen. "

"I've got a hunch," I said. "Peters, I'll need you to do a biopsy, I need to see what the cells look like on a microscopic level, and put a rush on it."

"Yes, Chief." Peters said as I handed the tablet to him.

"Okay, well I've got some paperwork to do... lunch later?" I asked Alex.

"Sure Mer," Alex said.

I headed back to my office, scooping my phone out of my pocket. I probably should take a minute to call Ellis, try and make things right. Still staring at the screen, I reached to open the door but my hand missed. I looked up just in time to crash into Dr. Torres. "Oh, Callie, sorry, I didn't see you."

"We were supposed to have a meeting about the new research grant for my new robotics lab. But I guess you were busy so-" There was a decidedly bitter tone in her voice.

 _Robotics_. I racked my brain- we had discussed it before- but, "Oh right umm," I couldn't remember the acronym for it- "Look, I have time now," I stepped past her to invite her back into my office where she'd been obviously waiting.

"It's fine Chief, it's too late now, I have a surgery."

"Okay, page me when you're done, and I'll make time Callie, I promise."

She raised her eyebrows at me. "Yeah? That's what you said yesterday."

"I did?" I didn't remember the conversation.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry Callie, things have just been... I've been..." I couldn't really explain it. I just felt off.

She waved a hand. "It's okay, I'l come find you."

I nodded and headed for my desk and the pile of paper work that I needed to go through. I picked up the first file...

xxx

"Mer?"

I looked up from my files, I had been reading the last sentence three times and I couldn't make sense of it. I sighed at Alex, who entered my office with a plastic container and a brown paper bag. "Brought you a salad."

"God, is it lunch time already?" I asked.

"Yeah," He said, "It's noon." He came in and sat down on the couch. I closed the file I was working on and sat down opposite him.

"Ellis is mad at me," I said, dumping the container of ranch dressing into the bowl and mixing it thoroughly.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know why... she just infuriates me sometimes. One minute I think she's okay and handling things, the next she drops a bomb, and then I open my mouth and say stuff that my mother would say. I'm not supposed to do that... Where did that come from?"

"Are you having repressed mommy issues?" Alex dug in his bag and pulled out a sandwhich.

"God I hope not. And I totally blew Callie off this morning, now she's mad. I completely forgot about her research grant thing for the uh...robocop whatever." I sighed angrily and took a stab at my salad.

"Are you okay Mer? I mean, lately you've seemed a little off."

I opened my mouth to reply, then closed it. A thought was forming in the back of my mind that I wasn't ready to acknowledge. "Get the biopsy results back for that patient?" I asked, changing the subject.

There was a slight accusation in Alex's eye, like he knew I was avoiding. He took a bite of his sandwich. "They've already been uploaded to his file."

"Okay good." I chewed on my salad. I would review them after.

"Want me to talk to Ellis for you?"

"I was gonna call her today after your consult, but then I got wrapped up in paperwork, so... ugh, I swear that girl is going to drive me to drink!"

"Mer, it's okay, I'll talk to her."

"You should go to her in person, she never answers her phone after we fight."

"Think she's home?"

"Nah, she's probably at her friend's house, um...Rio, Ria, Ree something" Somehow her name escaped me though I had known her for few years.

"Oh, yeah, I dropped her off there a couple times," Alex said. Suddenly his pager beeped. He frowned. "One of my patients, gotta go." He stuffed the rest of his sandwhich in his mouth and threw the bag in the trashcan before standing up.

"Alex, make sure El knows I didn't mean to kick her out," I pleaded

"Sure Mer." He mumbled.

"Oh, and did you get the biopsy results for that patient yet?"

Alex furrowed his brow at me. "Mer, you already asked me that question."

"I did?" Funny, I couldn't remember if I did or not, "Oh right... I'll go check it now."

xxx

Dr. Peters and I headed down to the Ped's ward to find Alex's patient. I had finally diagnosed the problem.

"Hello, Simon," I said coming along his bedside. "Dr. Karev is in surgery, working on another patient, but I have made a diagnosis for your condition." Simon's parents entered the room and I nodded to them. "Simon has an extremely rare type of tumour on his liver. It's called Fibrolamellar hepatocellular carcinoma. It's very slow growing, and it doesn't behave like other types of liver carcinomas which usually present symptoms of liver disease, which is why no one ever noticed it before. Fortunately, the prognosis is very good. The best course of treatment is to remove it through surgery, and based on the scans, I'd say you have a very good chance of recovery. We're going to book you an OR and take the tumor out." I smiled.

"Oh thank god," The mother gasped.

"Dr. Peters, prep Simon for surgery."

xxx

I was headed down to the OR when I bumped into Alex. "Oh good, you're done your other surgery?"

"Yeah, it was just an emergency appy."

"Good."

"So Simon's liver has a fibrolamellar hepatocellular carcinoma?"

"Yup." I said

"Wow, there's only like two hundred people in the world diagnosed with that condition every year. And you caught it."

"Let's face it, I'm just that good." I smiled. "Scrubbing in with me?"

"Mer, still want me to check on Ellis?"

"Oh yeah, better do that. Well the surgery is seven hours, I can have Peters open with me, and you can come in when you're done. I don't want to leave her stranded."

"Sure, no problem." Alex said, He looked at his watch. "It's 2:30, I'll go now."

"Thanks."

xxx

The OR room was my home away from home. In the OR, it was just me and the patient. Nothing else mattered.

I looked down at the body before me and drew a breath. Dr. Peters, my fifth year resident stood across from me. He was a very good surgeon, although I didn't quite understand why he was working with me on general, I thought he wanted neuro. I would have to talk to him later about that. "Ten Blade." I said. The nurse palmed the instrument into my hands and I began to cut.

I mobilized the liver, carefully clamping the veins around the portion I had to resect. "Clamp." I called and clamped the left hepatic vein. Carefully I palpated the liver, making sure I had the right side and getting a feel for how much I had to cut. "Peters, can you retract more please?" I needed to see... Okay, there it was. "Scalpel." I said, lifting my hand out. Where was Alex? my eyes drifted to the clock, it was almost five o'clock.

"Chief." I heard Alex call.

"Good, you're here." I said from behind my mask. "I'm just mobilizing the liver.. How's Ellis?"

"Uh, she's good Mer..."

Something in the tone of his voice caused me to look up. "Alex." Even from behind his mask he looked pained and worried. "What's wrong? Is it Ellis?"

"No she's fine, she might stay at her friend's place tonight though."

I breathed a sigh of relief..."Okay then what is it? Why do you look like someone killed your puppy?" I asked

He stepped beside me. "I'm gonna have to take over the surgery, Mer."

"What? Why?"

"Avery wants to see you in his office- right now."

"What's going on Alex?"

"I...Can you just go? Something came up and he needs to talk to you okay? I'll finish this surgery."

"No, I'm the Chief, and this is my OR." What was happening? Who died? Why was Alex acting so weird, he couldn't kick me out.

"Mer! This is my patient! Dr. Peters and I will finish, but you need to talk to Avery. Please don't fight me on this."

I sighed, exasperated. "Alright!" I said angrily. I stepped away from the patient and ripped off my surgical gown. Avery was going to get a piece of my mind

I left the OR and scrubbed out.

xxx

I met Avery in the conference room. He sat at the end of the table, gazing out the window thoughtfully. A tablet and a stack of papers sat in front of him.

"Dr. Avery..." I said as I entered the room, "What's so important you had to kick me out of the OR?"

"Meredith." He said, and that caused me to wince internally. Very few people called me Meredith here. It was usually Chief, or Grey... or Mer. My head cocked to the side, I walked closer to him, but didn't sit down.

"Jackson." I said. It felt weird saying that. I rarely called him by his first name.

"You should sit down."

"No." It seemed like neither of us wanted to say anything. "Well?" I prompted.

"We just had a board meeting... about you."

Now I sat down. That niggling feeling I had earlier returned. "About me?"

Avery looked at me softly. "How have you been feeling? Any problems at home? Anything I should know about?"

"No," I scoffed. "Just tell me what's going on. Rip off the bandage."

"I know this is difficult to accept Meredith." Avery started, "But in the last few months some of the staff have brought up concerns about your behavior."

"Really?"

"First it was little things, late here and there, forgetting things, losing things... but now It's starting to affect patient care."

"Patient care?" I asked.

"You forgot to show up for a surgery last week, and three times this month you forgot to order labs for the patients you are working on. Luckily, Dr. Peters caught it. Actually, he's been covering for you a lot, even though he's been focusing on Neuro, he's been logging in almost double the general hours on your service."

"What?" So that's why he'd been with me so much.

"And then there's this..." Avery turned on the tablet. A video of me performing a surgery. "This was yesterday." I watched it for a few minutes, everything seemed to be going smoothly until I saw myself pause. In the video, it looked like I was staring into space. Dr. Peters called my name, from that point forward, Dr. Peters walked me through my own surgery as I tried to pass it off as me teaching him. "What was that?." Avery asked.

"It was... nothing, a new teaching method."

"You stumbled through the procedure like a fifth year resident the whole time. That's not like you, Grey."

I swallowed. "So what does this mean?"

Avery closed out the video on the tablet and pushed it aside. "The board wants to suspend you from surgery until we find out what's wrong."

"What?" The news was a gunshot to the chest. They were suspending me? For what? I hadn't done anything wrong. "That patient made it through surgery. My success rate is high, and It's not because I play it safe. I'm an exceptional surgeon, you know I am."

"I know that, Mer, but it's only because of the exceptional people around you catching your mistakes that someone hasn't died. This isn't something I can allow to happen. You know that."

"So you're suspending me."

"The board wants to, but I have another idea."

I rubbed my forehead. It was too much. That niggling feeling I had in my mind earlier came back with a vengeance. Now my own staff was doubting my abilities? And yesterday...that surgery... Avery was right, but I would never admit it. Halfway through the procedure, I blanked. It was as if thirty years of medical knowledge went down the drain. I remembered staring into the cavity and not knowing what to do. Thank God Dr. Peters was there, and I was able to use him to tell me what to do, until my brain caught up with my hands.

I just wanted to go home and curl up with a nice bottle of tequila. "Well?"

"I say you have a family emergency- take the week off. I can call Seattle Pres, and make an appointment for you with Dr. Allen, he's one of the best Neuropyschologists out there. He'll push you to the top of his list. You go take the tests, see what happens, and then we'll figure it out from there."

I shook my head, this can't be happening. Was this happening? "I-um..."

"You know I'm right. Take the week off at least. Think about it. But if you show up here without those tests done, I will have to go back to the board and we will officially suspend you."

So I didn't have a choice. I couldn't look at Avery anymore, I couldn't be in this room anymore. I had nothing more to say, so I walked out, hands in the pockets of my scrubs.

Is this how my mother found out? Was she forced into a similar situation? Or did she figure it out herself? What if Alex never made it to the OR today, would I have blanked out again? This wasn't a simple procedure, and you had to have a certain level of skill, not that I doubted Dr. Peters, but he was still only a resident. And he wanted to do neuro, not general. I wandered around the hospital until I thought, _I should just go home._ Alex would be a few more hours and I really didn't want to talk to him anyway, he had been in that meeting and I would probably just yell at him like I did Ellis.

I should just go home...

I looked up and suddenly the hallway was unfamiliar. I didn't know where I was. Even though I walked this hallway nearly every day of my life as a doctor, I didn't how where I was co-related to where I wanted to be. I was disoriented. Panic set in, frantically, I looked around for a sign. I saw a sign- Radiology straight ahead, X-ray to the left, but where was my office? Suddenly one of my interns rushed by. "What's the hurry?" I asked.

"9-1-1 in the pit." He yelled back.

It was my way out. If I could get to the pit, I should be able to reorient myself to get to my office. I let the intern get a few steps ahead, and then followed. Somehow my tactic worked and I found my office. I walked inside and found Avery standing there looking awkward.

"Chief, sorry, I just wanted to-"

"You think it's Alzheimers?" I blurted.

"Um, well..." Jackson coughed.

"It's just- I've done this. My mom- the clinical trial- my research... wouldn't I have figured it out myself? I mean, I know myself... I would know what's happening to my body, my mind... Right?" _Please Jackson this can't be happening. Not like this...It's too soon._ Jackson's gaze was sympathetic

"We won't really know anything untill we do the tests.

The tests of course. Think like a doctor, Grey. "Dr. Allen right? He's good?"

"Yeah." Avery handed me a business card. "If you call, he'll clear his schedule."

I looked the card over and put it in my purse.

"Are you-" Avery started again.

"Please go." I didn't want to answer him. _Am I okay? Of course I'm okay, or I will be in six or seven years when I can't remember any of this. That's when I will be okay._

xxx

Somehow I made it home. Of course, the house was empty. I jammed the keys in the doorknob and let myself in. For awhile I stood there, just zoning out. I tossed my purse on the kitchen counter and looked for something to eat in the fridge. I smiled when I found leftover pizza and picked up a few slices and tossed them on a plate. For a couple hours I watched mindless cable television, my mind just not able to grasp what all happened today. Then I did some mindless cleaning. I passed El's room and looked in, oddly I missed her. Mindless television and cold pizza was just up her alley, and it had been a long time since we'd done that. The loneliness was unbearable. I picked up my phone and dialed Cristina- but there was no answer. I didn't bother leaving a message. I sighed. There was another friend I could rely on. His name was Jose. I reached for the tequila.

Sitting at the kitchen counter I grabbed a glass and poured a shot. I took it down in one gulp. Poured another shot and downed it. I looked at my phone and scrolled through my contacts. Should I call someone? The problem with alcohol is that it loosed my lips and I wanted to talk now, except I was alone and I didn't want to talk to myself. I giggled at the thought. I would be doing that soon enough right? I needed another drink, the dark and twisties were returning. After my third shot, I facetimed Maggie.

"Mer?" She asked, she looked tired and haggard. "Why are you calling at this hour? What's going on?"

I giggled, "How do you do it Mags? There's no wrinkles on your face- like none." I squinted at her.

"Mer, you're drunk! Are you okay? What happened?"

"You wanna know what happened? Crap genes! That's what happened... Stupid alzheimers crap genes passed on by my dead mommy. Seriously, how do you look so young? And since when did I care?" A forth shot, the bottle banging hard on the counter.

It took her awhile to catch up to my drunk rambling. When she did, she gasped in shock. "Mer, you have Alzheimers?"

"Well, it's not official, but Avery reccomended me for testing. I'm going tomorrow for the whole shebang. Shebang... is that a word? It doesn't sound like a word. It sounds like-like..."

"Mer, there are treatments and they're getting better too."

"Don't you think I know that? I wrote the book on that! But there's still no cure-"

"I heard about this stemcell thing-"

I held up a finger. "Don't doctor me doctor, I don't wanna be doctored."

Maggie looked full of concern. "Does anyone else know?"

"No." I sighed. A new revelation dawned on me. "I'll have to tell the kids... dammit!" Unbidden, a lump formed in my throat. I didn't want this, it was too soon. I gasped and swallowed a sob. "He's supposed to be here, he's sup-supposedtohelpme."

"Oh Mer, what can I do?" Maggie asked.

A sudden sober thought came to me. "Call all your brainy friends Mags, I want all the research you can find, everything. I can't go out like this. I can't lose him again."

xxx

I had ended the call with Maggie a while ago, but didn't feel like moving off the couch to go to bed, so I just sat there, taking small sips of Tequila and muttering randomly. But the sound of a door creaking and footsteps jarred me awake from my drunken stupour.

"Mom?"

"Huh?" I snapped my head up. It was Ellis, she probably thought I would be in bed. Wasn't she in for a surprise. I hadn't gotten this drunk in a very long time, and that was at a new years party with Cristina. I don't think she had ever experienced really drunk Meredith. This could be fun.

"Mom are you drunk?" Ellis whispered.

"Oh, look who clicked her heels and came home," I sniggered.

Ellis walked up to the couch and looked at the half bottle of tequila on the coffee table. "You've been drinking!"

"No way Jose!" I laughed. I thought I would be mad at her after our fight this morning, but the evident shock on her face that her mother was completely hammered was much more fun to experience.

"How much did you drink?" Ellis asked

"I should be asking you the same question," I pointed at her.

"Look, I'm hung over, you're still drunk." She got off the couch and took her jacket off. "Look, let's talk tomorrow okay? You probably have a lot of work to do and-"

No no no... don't go, I thought. "El," I called. Was I actually begging? God I was lonely.

She stopped in the hall, as if expecting me to yell or something.

"Here's the thing..." I rambled, "I am not gonna be anymore carefree than in this moment... so, you should talk, just let it all out while I'm Glenda the good...drunk."

Ellis came back into my line of vision, analysing me carefully. "Mom? Should I call Alex or something? You're acting so-"

"Crazy?"

"Yeah,"

"Well maybe I am..." This was hilarious, I almost wanted to mention Alzheimers but that wouldn't be appropriate. Not now, while I was drunk.

"Seriously mom, did something happen at work? Oh my God, did someone die?"

"Ellis," I said, "I'm very drunk, and feeling very forgiving and I'm thinking that maybe you might have some things you'd like to say about our little... whatever- we had this morning."

"Why?" she asked. She sat down beside me and stared at the bottle on the coffee table

Why? Why indeed? Because I didn't want her last memories of her lucid mom to be of us fighting. "Look, the last time I had a fight with my mom I ran away to Europe, and the next thing I knew she had Alzheimers, and things got hard so... we should, you know, do the talking thing."

"You really want to talk to me?"

I hiccuped and nodded. I did. I needed to know her again, find out what was going on so I could help her while I was still her mom and not some drooling gorked out lump.

Ellis sighed. "I'm gonna need a drink."

"Me too." I took a swig from the bottle and then I poured her a shot of tequila.

She knocked it back too quickly. "Whoo! Damn that's strong! How can you drink this straight up?"

I shrugged, "People thought it was cool in high school."

"You drank in high school?"

"I was a rebel. My mom didn't care what I did as long as I kept up my grades up."

"I guess that's true for me too."

"Not true," I said harshly. "I-I don't know what to think of you sometimes. You were such a funny happy kid before Derek-" _Died._ It was still hard to say that word, because saying it out loud meant it was real."And then you started to act out, and you're-so angry at me, all the time, and I... I don't know why."

Ellis fiddled with her empty shot glass. "You weren't there." She said sadly.

It was the biggest regret of my life. If there was a way to go back in time, I would give it all up. My breakthrough into the treatment of Alzheimers, my Neuro fellowship, the book that I published showcasing my work... I would have given it all up to go back and be there That Day.

"I'm sorry." It was all I could say.

I expected an outburst, but there was none. Ellis rubbed the scar on her right hand. "I don't really remember what happened," She said. "Just that I wished you were there. I just kept thinking he would still be alive... if you were there that day."

I sighed and looked away. So that was it then, she blamed me. Well that was fair. I blamed me too. Damn Jose. But I took a swig anyway. "El, what happened was horrible, and there isn't a single day that goes by where I don't wish that I would've been there to keep you safe. But it happened, and all I could do was pick up the pieces and try to hold you guys together."

Ellis poured a shot and took a sip this time. "Bleah," she made a face. "You tried. I can't say that you were _never_ there for me, cause you were, or you made someone be there for me. It's just... I feel like I have to live up to Zola and Bailey, and I don't want to. But I don't want to let you down, but we always fight because I still kinda hate you so..."

"Ellis," I slurred, I was starting to succumb to the liquor. But I was remembering a time when I told my mother I has happy, and the crushing blow that landed after. "I'm sorry about calling you a quitter. You're not. I just want you to be happy. Seriously. I want you to do what makes you happy." I cleared my throat, "As long as it's not drugs, cause that's fake happy and that never lasts."

"What about booze?" Ellis lifted her glass.

"Well... don't make it a habit."

"What about sex?" Ellis took another sip and cringed.

Now I cringed. "Let's not talk about that. Ever." Damn Tequila. "Ellis you're a pain in my ass. Drinking. Boys. Dropping out of college. We're probably going to fight about a lot of stuff, and yeah, you will disappoint me. But I'll still love you. I always will."

"I know. I love you too, even when I hate you." Ellis finished her drink and put the cap back on the bottle. "Are you gonna remember this in the morning?"

"Yeah probably."

"Crap." Ellis stood up, swaying slightly.

"Lightweight." I muttered

"Shut up."

"Help me up." I held my hand up. She pulled me up, giggling.

"What?" I asked as we leaned on each other to walk to our bedrooms.

Ellis chuckled again. "My mom really did drive me to drink."

"You tell Bailey and Zola..."

"I can't promise anything."

"Well, I'm very disappointed in you Ellis."

"Goodnight mom."

"Goodnight." Jose and I had a good time- and this time I wouldn't regret it in the morning.

xxx

 **A/N** Okay, Whew! What a chapter! This was hard to write and there is a lot going on. Again, please trust me on the Derek thing... like I said it's a slow burn, right now I am focusing on the Alzheimers. This story will be a long story so bear with me, but it is worth it.

Anywho... In regards to other GA characters besides the Mcfamily, If you want to send me some of your thoughts about what they are up to or who they are with- feel free to leave a comment or PM me. It just gives me a little background that I can throw in for filler.

Next Chapter: Mer freaks out to Cristina.


	5. Diagnosis

**A/N** Thanks to all my reviewers: anne0717, Patsy, mandyg67, Melanie, AiLing, roganjalex, kakki823, zajaacLulu, and all the guest reviews as well as people who have faved and followed this story. It seems I have some regular fans and it means a lot to me that you care about this story... I really appreciate it. I wish I could just "think" this story into existance instead of having to process it into words and type them painstakingly onto paper, because its in my head all the time and I just can't wait to get it all out.

Some of you have commented that this is confusing... I apologize. I have edited the chapters with dates so maybe that will help? If you are confused, please PM me or leave a more detailed review so I can address those better. For now, we are moving in a linear direction, events taking place right after where we left off last chapter.

 **Disclaimers: I don't own these characters, and I don't make any money off of them.**

 **Chapter 5: Diagnosis.**

 **February 27 2034**

 **Meredith**

"It's probably a tumor," I said, as I faced Dr. Allen after I described my symptoms. It was about 2:00pm and I was at Dr. Allen's office at Seattle Presbyterian Hospital. I had just described my forgetfullness, my memory lapses during surgery and my disorientation. "Or it could be my thyroid..." I was in denial and I knew it, but it couldn't be helped. Although last night in my drunken conversation with Maggie it seemed clear that it was my crap genes giving me Alzheimers, the hopeful side of my brain was working overtime to balance my early cynicism. I had just underwent a battery of scans and tests, MRI, PET, EEG, bloodwork. Now I was about to be subjected to an extensive neurological exam, I felt nauseous, this test would be worse than my boards, I was sure. "I bet it's a tumor."

Dr. Allen nodded. He was a tall thin man with glasses and greying hair. "Dr. Grey, you know as well as I do, that this disease is usually diagnosed out of a process of elimination."

"Of course." I said, pacing the office. Dr. Allen had made it quite homey actually. Besides the rather large desk and the two mandatory chairs in front of them, the walls were lined with bookshelves and pictures of his family. A small table in the corner had a vase with flowers.

"Are you sure you don't have anyone to be here with you for this? It usually helps, especially with someone like you who is so familiar with the disease."

I knew what he implied. Because I was a doctor, because I knew all the tests and procedures that went along with this, I most likely had workarounds that would make it easier for me to answer his questions. Having another person with me would help confirm some of my behaviors. My gaze drifted to a larger picture of his family. Dr. Allen and his wife stood behind their teenage daughter in a graduation gown. I didn't want anyone here with me today, even Alex. Here, now, I was vulnerble, exposed, and I couldn't bear to have anyone witness it. "Can we... just do the tests please?"

"Please have a seat, Dr. Grey."

I sighed and sat down, waiting for the inevitable.

"I'm going to give you an address, and I want you to remember, it because I will ask you what it is later."

"Okay."

"4515 Spring Close."

"4515 Spring Close." I repeated.

"Now, what's today's date?"

"Feburary 27, 2034."

Dr. Allen tapped something on his tablet. He continued to do so throughout the questionairre "Where are you?"

"Seattle Presbyterian Hospital."

"What are the names of your children?"

"Zola, Bailey, Ellis."

"Where do you work?"

"Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital."

"Good." Dr. Allen paused, and pulled out some flashcards.

"Okay, name these objects,"

"Balloon, lamp, tree, cup, car."

"Spell tiger backwards."

"Tiger, R-E-G-I-T."

"Where are you again?"

"Grey Sloan Memorial."

He took off his white coat. "What's my name?"

My eyes instantly drifted to where his nametag would be, but he had removed his coat. "Umm... Doctor... Doctor-" It was on the tip of my tongue, "Sorry, I'm terrible with names..."

"Doctor Allen."

"Allen. Right, sorry."

"Okay, now do you remember the address I gave you earlier?"

It didn't come to me instantly, like I thought it would. As a doctor, you become used to recalling details under pressure, it should be right there at the front of my memory, especially since Dr. Allen asked me to remember it specifically. It's like a patient telling you they're allergic to penicillin as they are flying in on a gurney. There's no time to write it on the chart. You just remember. But I drew a blank. I looked back at Dr. Allen and bit my lip. Nothing, I had no clue.

"Dr. Grey?"

"I... don't remember." I said. _I don't remember._ For once I didn't have an answer or an excuse.

"Okay, that's fine." He tapped something on his tablet.

There was more than just the questions. I was tested on everything from short term to long term memory, I answered questions about my parents, my work, my family. I was asked mathematical questions and problem solving, and how did I drive here? Which route did I take? I drew pictures of a clock to test my spatial reasoning. Finally, an hour and a half later, Dr. Allen put his tablet down.

I looked at him anxiously. "Well?"

"It will take time to compile the results. The lab should be finished with your bloodwork. I will need to consult with my team. It won't be long. You should take a break, eat something, maybe call someone?"

I glanced at my watch. It was 4pm. Although I didn't agree, I nodded and walked out of the room. In the waiting room, there was a vending machine. I didn't feel like eating but I still dug in my pockets for a dollar bill and selected a bag of chips. For a minute or two I paced numbly, the bag unopened in my hands. I sat down on the floor and wedged my phone between my knees. I opened the bag of salt and vinegar chips and speed dialed my person.

It rang four times and went to voicemail. I pressed the button again. A moment later, Cristina's tired, familiar face showed up on the screen. "God Mer, it's midnight here..."

"I'm freaking out. I'm really freaking out!"

Cristina's expression changed from annoyed to concerned. What is it? What's happening?"

"Alzheimers."

"What?"

"My crappy genes. I just finished extensive testing for Alzheimers."

Cristina was quiet for a moment. "Oh, Mer."

"I don't know yet... they're still compiling the results." I crunched on a chip. "I'll probably lose my job. The whole board thinks I'm nuts."

"Okay, so how do you want to do this? Lethal injection? Firing squad?"

"Ha Ha." It was an inside joke, Cristina had offered once to end my misery if I ever got Alzheimers. "This isn't supposed to happen without Derek. He's the one who's supposed to deal with the drooling wife..."

"Mer, we'll deal with this, you of all people know that there is treatments available. I mean that drug trial you did several years ago had excellent results remember? That's what inspired you to write the book."

"It's not garanteed. At best it'll buy time- and that's if it works for me, and I haven't been keeping up with Neuro since I lost Derek... and now- I..." A sob threatened to escape my lips. "Oh Cristina... I miss you."

Cristina pressed two fingers on the screen, and I did the same, as if we were touching. "You still don't know if it is..."

"I've been trying to live in Egypt all day Cristina... but I have a feeling, and it's not going away."

Cristina sighed. "Okay... okay, you know what? I'm coming down."

"What?"

"I've just got a few things to finish up here... and then I'll come"

"You can't come now, you're growing hearts and and-"

"Mer. I'm your person. Of course I'm coming. Plus I own the freaking hospital over here so-"

"Wait." I rubbed my forehead. I needed to think. This was a lot all at once to process. "If it is... what I think it is, I do want you to come, but can you wait a few months? I don't want the time you take off to be wasted and there is something you can do with me when you get here, okay?"

Cristina sighed loudly. "What now?"

"I'll have to tell the kids... Bailey has spring break coming up so I'll tell him and Ellis, I'll get Zola on Skype I guess."

"I know I said I'd put you out of your misery but I don't think I can."

I smiled. "I know, I want to fight this... I have to. I don't want to lose everything. There's got to be a cure somehow, I'll have to go through my research again."

"I wish I could do more..."

"This is good. You're helping now, really."

"Dance party?"

"Not feeling it today."

"Yeah... Tequila?"

I smirked, remembering the drinking last night. "I think I'm turning Ellis into an alcoholic. We shared a bottle last night."

"What? Mer, she's only nineteen..."

"She's already drinking, and I started when I was younger than her. Besides, it's probably the only time we actually had a decent conversation I think. She still hates me though."

"She doesn't really. It's just easier to be mad at you then herself or Derek."

"Losing Derek was really traumatic for her. Something happened, but she's repressed it." I sighed. "I just don't want her to be messed up like I was."

"Mer, you didn't do anything wrong. You've raised your kids well. Just look at everything they've done... Zola's running a clinic in freaking Africa for God's sake. Bailey's in Med school, and Ellis just needs to figure things out."

"I know, I know."

"Mer, you're not your mother."

"I feel like I am. History is repeating itself."

"No it's not... Listen, you are not your mother, and this isn't the same as before. There is way more knowledge about Alzheimers than before, and you have a lot of people who can help you... Me, Maggie, your kids, even Evil Spawn. You have connections to the best doctors in the world. You're not alone."

I raised an eyebrow and wiped my eye. "Giving me a pep talk huh?"

"As your Person, that's my job."

"Do I have to give you a raise?"

"Nah. This one's free."

"What would I do without you?"

"After everything we've been through together, I don't even want to think about it."

"Me niether"

"Dr. Grey?" Dr. Allen Called

"I gotta go Cristina."

"Okay. Mer?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you." I tapped the end call button.

I stood up and brushed my bangs out of my eyes. I threw the half eaten bag of chips in the trash and followed the doctor into his office. _Please be a tumor..._ I thought as I sat down.

xxx

As soon as Dr. Allen said the word Alzheimers, my brain shut off. I saw his mouth moving but heard nothing. He held up some of the results of the tests and scans, but they appeared blurry. He scribbled on a prescription pad and handed it to me but my fingertips were numb. So this is how a patient feels like... God it sucks. Memories of my mother flashed through my brain, how she looked at me when I came to visit, her face polite, but no look of recognition in her eyes, _You remind me of my daughter..._

Would I be like this to my children? Would it progress that far? _Who is that? That's Thatcher... your husband._ In my mind, I saw my kids standing over me. _"Mom, it's me...ZolaBaileyEllis._ I saw Derek's face, looking up at me with that little smile of his, his eyes sad... _I'm your husband Meredith._ I saw a face in the mirror unable to recognize itself.

"... of course I will need you to come back in a month- Dr. Grey?" Reality pulled me back and I blinked.

"Dr. Grey? It's important that you bring someone who knows you well next time, because it will help us better determine how your illness is progressing."

 _Illness..._ I blinked and cleared my throat. "Um... Could you write it down please? Everything you just told me... I need you t-to write it down."

"Of course."

A few minutes later I left the office with a piece of paper in hand describing my condition and the medication I was to take. My prescription was stapled to the left corner. In the elevator I had enough sense to text Cristina a simple sentence: Alzheimers: 1 Meredith Grey: 0.

I couldn't remember where I parked. I told myself not to freak out, and simply called a cab.

I didn't go home. The address I gave the cab driver wasn't my address. It used to be once upon a time. I got out in the cold seattle rain and walked up to the front door. The house was dark, it didn't look like anyone was home. There were no cars in the driveway. The bench swing was still there. I pushed it with my finger, and it squeaked in protest. I sat down on the swing and rested my head against the side. Time pitter pattered away like the rain and I don't remember how long I was there before someone was calling me and shaking me awake.

"Dr. Grey? Meredith?"

My head snapped up, and I was looking at a familiar face, but it wasn't the face I was waiting for. "Jo?"

"What are you doing here? Are you okay?" Worry etched her features. The last time I was here like this was when Bailey got into a car accident with his friend, and I had to quit my search for Derek.

"Alex. Where's Alex?" I asked, peering around her.

"He'll be another hour or so. Come inside, you must be freezing."

Somehow I managed to pull myself together enough to stumble into the house and collapse on the couch.

Jo was saying something and tugging lightly on my jacket. I shrugged it off and she hung it on the coat rack. Somehow a cup of something warm landed in my hands. I took a sip. Jasmine tea. "Thanks," I said, acknowledging Jo's kind gesture. We weren't exactly friends, but there was an understanding between us that went back years. I wasn't about to spill my guts to her, but she knew that and gave me space.

I sat there sipping my tea slowly, while Jo busied herself in the kitchen. The quiet was disturbed by the sound of the front door slamming. I flinched, almost dropping the now empty cup on the floor.

"Jo! You wouldn't believe the- Mer?" Alex arrived in the living room, his expression flooded with surprise and worry. "Mer." He sat down right beside me as he picked up my hand in his. His hand was cold, but the grip was firm and loving.

To answer his questioning gaze, I nodded to the coat rack. "Jacket pocket, there's a paper..."

Alex came back with the paper, carefully unfolding it. He read the first two lines and at the words, 'early onset Alzheimers' his face fell. I leaned against him as he wrapped me up in a hug. "I don't know what to... 'sorry' doesn't feel right. This is crap Mer."

"Yeah." I swallowed. "Tell Jackson to...get the board together tomorrow. I'm resigning."

xxx

Alex had offered to let me stay the night, but I remembered that Ellis would probably be home and I thought I should be home and try and be a mother. I could go for another night of mindless televison and pizza. So Alex offered to drive me home instead.

We were on the ferry, but stll in his car when I finally asked, "So... did you know- I mean when-" _you kicked me out of my OR yesterday..._

"I didn't know- nobody knew... people noticed things, and we were worried that maybe you were doing too much, but when we saw the video of that surgery, we knew something was wrong. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Me too."

"So..."

"I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do next. Everyone keeps asking me that and I don't know. I just want to go home okay?" I wanted to go home so I wouldn't forget the feeling I got when I was home and things were good. I wanted to go home so I could remember Zola, Bailey, and Ellis. Post-its and tumors on the walls... Remember princess parties and bike rides and fishing and conversations about surgeries and research and school. I wanted to remember as long as I could.

The car pulled up to the driveway of my house and for awhile I didn't move. Alex pulled me into a half hug- but I pulled away, "You're gonna make me cry." But I patted his hand. "Thank you Alex."

xxx

The pizza was hot and fresh, but I didn't feel like eating. I stopped watching television some time ago. Ellis wasn't home and I was alone. I sighed and walked to the den. In the corner was a box of photo albums. I picked it up and took it to my room, but I hesitated to open the box.

I heard a noise and entered the hallway. "Ellis?" I called. I heard a giggle and muffled voices and the front door slam. Ellis wasn't alone. I walked down into the living room. Ellis was there with Cory.

"Oh, hi mom." Ellis said.

"Good, you're home..."

"I'm staying over at Cory's. I just came to grab some stuff."

"Oh. I was hoping you could stay and help me with something..."

"Mom..."

"No it's okay, go hang out with your boyfriend or whatever he is. I'm sure you'll have lots of fun." I snapped. There I go again.

"Mom!"

"Ellis... Just go. If you don't want to be here... I can't" I shook my head. "Go. And take the pizza. Somebody has to eat it."

She looked at me and I sank into her deep blue eyes. Derek's eyes. "Mom?"

"I had a bad day, I'll be okay." I pushed past her back into my bedroom.

I sat on my bed and waited until I heard the door close and Cory's truck roar as they drove away. I picked an album out of the box and rifled through the pictures. I grabbed some tape. I pulled the pictures out of the album and started taping them on the walls and the headboard of my bed. My phone rang. I answered immediately, it was Maggie.

"Hey Mer, how was your day?"

"..."

"Meredith?"

"Ellis hates me. I don't want her here if she doesn't want to be here."

"How did your tests go? What did the doctors say?"

"I have Alzheimers."

 _Alzheimers 2 Meredith Grey 0_

 **A/N** Ok, so short chapter- kind of sad I know. I hate middles. Only a couple of chapters and we will find out what happened to Derek. Still looking for backstory for other GA characters if anybody has any ideas.

Next chapter Meredith breaks the news to her kids. How do they deal with it?


	6. Spaghetti, Tequila and WWDD?

**A/N** Thanks again for all the love. Glad to have new readers on board too! Feel free to check out my other stories! (had to put that in there couldn't help it.) Someone mentioned Amelia... that is a very good possibility-but much later in the story.

This Chapter takes place about a week later. Zola is home and is already aware her mother has Alzheimers, but Meredith hasn't told Bailey or Ellis yet. And they haven't really discussed anything about it either...

Bailey is 21 and on Spring Break from med school, Ellis is 19, and Zola is 23

 **I don't own these characters and not making any money off this.**

 **Chapter 6:** Spaghetti, Tequila and WWDD?

 **March 6 2034**

 **Bailey**

Seattle Airport on a Monday was definitely a lot quieter than the bar I was at the night before. But the quiet just made me worry more. It was Zola who called me just two days ago to tell me to cancel my spring break plans. Mom had an announcement to make and she wanted me there in person. Mom usually never shied from talking to us over the phone or facetime herself, and the fact that Zola called instead really bothered me.

I was alone with my thoughts, pacing in the arrivals gate of the airport. Mom said I brooded like my father. 'McBroody,' she'd call me, on days when the worry pulled my usual bright smile into a dimmed frown. It was a very long time since I had been McBroody.

"Bails!" I heard Zola call. My head snapped up and I forced a smile for my sister. She strode up with easy confidence and gave me a big hug. Despite my worry, I was happy to see her. We hadn't seen each other in person for more than a year so I happily returned the gesture along with a fist bump.

"C'mon," she said. "The parking here is super expensive."

"Alright," I muttered as she pulled on my elbow.

"No Luggage?"

I shrugged. "Just my knapsack."

"Kay, lets go."

"What's the hurry?"

"Mom is unsupervised in the kitchen and she wants to make us dinner..."

"Oh." I envisioned several scenes of food burning and the house exploding or Ellis dying of food poisoning, "Right then, best speed."

As we drove out I started to ask the first of my many questions..."Aren't you supposed to be in Africa finishing your practicum?"

"Yeah... I'm transferring to Washington U. I'll be finishing my practicum here."

"Why?"

"Things change, Bailey."

"It's mom isn't it? Something happened."

"She'll tell you herself. For now...I can't really talk about it."

"Wait- she told you?"

"She didn't. She wanted to tell us all at once but I found out."

I wanted to push Zola to talk, but I knew that it was important for mom to be the one to tell us, so I shut up about it. Not talking about it didn't make my brain stop thinking however, and a few possible scenarios came to mind. Of course coming from a doctor's family, I always thought the worst. _Cancer. Tumor. Sued for Malpractice..._ or the dreaded _I've met someone..._ conversation. That was the worst. Although I was sure that would _never_ happen.

Once, I asked mom point blank if she would consider dating again, she replied that she honestly never gave it any thought. _Your father was the love of my life..._ she said, _I don't think I could ever try to replace him... I know he wouldn't want me to be an old maid... it's just... I can't get over him._

"So, how's Ellis?" I asked. Zola told me about Ellis dropping out of college, and I wanted to know the scoop. I was worried about her.

Zola sighed. "I don't know... she's the weird one of the family. She has a job interview today though."

"Oh really? Where at?"

"I'm not sure... some coffee place."

I couldn't believe it. Ellis was smart, she had the pick of any college or scholarship and she wanted to work at a freaking coffee shop. "Really?" I asked.

"I know, right?"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"What does mom think?"

"She hasn't said much. I think she just wants Ellis to be happy. She's trying really hard not to argue with her," Zola said, sighing. "Well, we're here."

xxx

I knew Mom burned something by the faint smoky smell that drifted in the air. She tried to hide the fact by having the window open and the fans on, but as I scooted into the kitchen, it seemed she had it under control. "Hey mom," I said.

"Bailey." She pulled me into a hug and lingered there, her head resting on my shoulder. Finally, she sighed and pushed away. "You can make the salad," she turned back to a pot of pasta sauce on the stove. On the back burner was a large pot of spaghetti, already drained. "Zola, can you set the table please?"

A bowl and several assorted vegtables was set up on the counter. I grabbed a chef's knife and started chopping away easily. Of all of us, I was probably the best cook. Since high school, I always worked as a cook part-time in the summer.

It wasn't long before a simple dinner ended up on the table. Spaghetti with sliced chicken breast, salad and garlic bread. "Where's Ellis?" Mom asked.

"She went to her job interview remember?" Zola said, as she finished arranging cutlery.

"What? She had a job interview?"

"Yes mom, she told you this morning."

"Oh... Right." Mom sighed heavily. "Well she better come home soon, before the food gets cold." She pulled out her chair and sat down.

"Speak of the devil..." I muttered as the door opened.

"Hey mom," Ellis bounded in. When she saw me she smiled. "Hey Brother." It was a term of endearment actually.

"Hey Sister." I returned. How was your interview?" I asked.

"Oh. So you heard." She shot an accusing glance at Zola, who simply shrugged as she took a bite of her salad.

"Yeah, I heard... What's up with that El?" _You can do better than sling coffee- you know that._

"I just want to do something different okay? Maybe I don't want to be a world-class surgeon." She scooped some spaghetti onto her plate. "Mom, I thought you were going to make meatballs."

"We ran out of hamburger." Mom said before biting into her garlic bread.

Ellis was trying to get me to drop the subject, but I pressed on. "Come on El. You don't just give up a forty-thousand dollar scholarship." I looked to mom for support, but she seemed more interested in the salad on her plate.

It was Zola who piped up. "Guys, quit it."

"Oh, you're on _her_ side?" I asked.

"I'm not on anyone's side. I just..." She rubbed her forehead. "No arguing today, please? For mom's sake?"

Ellis and I shot a glance at mom, who seemed startled at the attention. "Um... what she said," she nodded at Zola.

Appropriately chastised, we all fell silent, the sounds of the scraping of cutlery on plates and muffled chewing the only noise in the house. Finally mom sighed. "Now it's too quiet. Zola, tell us about Africa..."

We managed to get along for the next twenty minutes as Zo regaled us with a few tales of her time in Africa, especially her thoughts on the culture differences, meaning if you wanted something done always double the time they tell you it will take. And if you really needed something done, best to let the women handle it, because the men would huddle around and discuss the problem for hours before agreeing to a solution.

While she did that, I collected the dishes to put in the sink. As I scraped the plates into the garbage, I noticed about a dozen or more blackened meatballs in the bottom of the bin. I sighed, so that was what she burned. A tomato stained sheet of paper near the stove got my attention. It was a recipe for tonight's dinner. And mom had checked off every direction with a pencil. _How bad of a cook is she?_ I wondered.

"Oh, mom says there's cheesecake in the fridge..." Zola called.

"Alright, I'll get it." I opened the cupboard for desert plates and instead found the cheesecake, still in its bakery box. _Weird,_ I thought. I opened the fridge door to put the leftovers away and found the stack of desert plates in the fridge. "Okay..." I said to myself.

 _Strange_

I grabbed the cheesecake, forks and plates and brought them to the table. We continued with small talk and catching up for a few more minutes.

Finally mom put her fork down and cleared her throat. "So, you're probably all wondering why I wanted you here..." She took a deep breath. "I'm just going to say it... last week I had some tests done-"

So it was medical. My mind raced with the potential outcomes _Cancer...Tumor... Aneurisym... Heart Disease..._ I looked up expectantly, my fork still wedged in the cheesecake.

"-And I've been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers."

Ellis choked on her coffee. Zola released a breath that she must have been holding this whole night. I let go of my fork. Alzheimers. Of course it was Alzheimers. Why wouldn't it be? I ran my fingers through my hair. I was pretty sure I was wearing my Mcbroody face now.

Mom looked down at the table and looked back at the three of us, trying to gauge our reactions. She was probably praying that we didn't freak out.

"What's the prognosis?" I asked as soon as I could force my vocal chords to vibrate.

I was surprised at how calm she was when she spoke, "Well, we're very lucky to have caught it this early. So if I continue on the treatments that Dr. Allen has given me, I could probably remain in the mild to moderate stage for three... maybe four years-"

"Three years or four years?" I swallowed. _Not enough. That's not long enough time._

"The type of Alzheimers I have is pretty aggressive."

"Mom-" I started. In my head I was trying to recall everything I studied about Alzheimers. I wanted to come up with a plan- a way to beat this- I wanted to save her.

"Bails. Look at me."

I sighed and looked up at her. Her gaze seemed to bore into me, and I could see that while she was afraid, she was also determined. "I don't want you to save me. There are doctors for that. And I'm one of them, and I have all the research I need to try and stop this as long as I can."

Her gaze drifted over to Zola and Ellis. "I don't want you to drop your whole lives for me right now, okay? I'm not an invalid or a vegetable yet. I'm still your mother. I'm your mother, who happens to have Alzheimers," Her eyes shined and her voice cracked ever so slightly. "I just need you to be my kids okay? I've done this with my own mother... and I know what to do, so..." She sighed. "Anyway, you should know that Zola decided to stay here in Seattle, so I'll have someone around. And I'm resigning at the hospital... and I honestly haven't thought about anything else too much, but I really don't want you to worry about it now. Just take some time... to let it sink in... and we'll talk about it more later."

I wanted to accept her answer. I wanted to do what she told me. I nodded as if to say I understood, but again my mind continued to race through everything I knew about Alzheimers. "Mom, stem cells- they can grow brain cells-"

"Zip it Bailey." Mom said sternly.

"But-"

"Please... we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

I nodded again. For now I would drop the subject. But I knew it would never leave me. I vowed to stay on top of every article and drug and clinical trial about Alzheimers that I could find.

With nothing more to say, mom excused herself and went to the bedroom.

"Shit." Ellis said, putting her head in her hands.

"I know," said Zola, "this sucks."

"Bigtime." I replied. We sat there in silence, alternating between looking at each other to looking at the walls and the ceiling and out the window.

"So did you guys notice anything... different?" I asked my sisters. I certainly hadn't, but then I had been gone since September, and even though we chatted through facetime and skype, I wasn't the type who really remembered details about conversations. But there was one thing that stood out for me... "Before I left for Dartmouth in September, I noticed she stopped doing the crossword puzzles."

"She had trouble remembering some of my colleagues sometimes, even when I just told her." Zola said.

"Sometimes I would find her stuff in weird places, like her moisturizer in the fridge." Ellis said, "and she had a big fit the other day when she thought she lost her phone charger and went out and bought another one only to find her old charger plugged into the wall where it always is."

"Crap." I said. Reality was crashing in on us now.

"Well, I'm drinking." Ellis said.

"There's a bottle of wine in the fridge," I offered.

Ellis shook her head. "No, I'm _Drinking. S_ he reached into a cupboard and pulled out a half full tequila bottle.

"Really?" Zola asked. She was the weird one in this instance, she didn't drink.

I thought I might want a shot but changed my mind. I wanted a clear head tonight. But that didn't mean I couldn't show Ellis a few tricks. "Wait," I said. I reached into the fridge and pulled out a lime and grabbed the saltshaker off the counter. "If you're going to do that, you better do it right."

"Okaay..." Ellis replied.

"Lick the back of your hand."

"What?"

"Just do it." I sliced the lime into quarters.

"I am not licking my hand. What am I? A cat?"

"Ellis, he's trying to show you the proper way to drink tequila... not the mom way. Just do what he says."

Ellis huffed. "Fine..." She licked her hand. I sprinkled some salt on the moistened area.

"Okay, lick the salt, sip the tequila, suck on the lime."

"In that order?"

"Yes."

She did as instructed, "Oh, that's actually...not bad."

"Okay then." I put my hands on my hips and watched as she did it again. "So you wanna work at a coffee shop?"

"Mom said if I wanted to stay home I needed to get a job. So I'm getting a job."

"At a coffee shop."

"Look Bailey, I'm not stupid okay? I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life working at a stupid coffee shop. But I'm not you and Zo. I didn't follow mom and dad around the hospital with toy stethoscopes and suture kits. I didn't map my life out when I was ten. I don't care for hospital stuff. I just need some time to figure out what I'm passionate about. Mom and I kinda talked about this, and all she wants is for me to be happy. I hope you get that."

I smiled at my sister. It had been a long time since she had ranted like that. "Okay, but don't waste your passion. You're smart and talented, make sure whatever you pursue makes use of that."

Ellis poured another shot and rolled her eyes. "Okay, _Brother._ "

We lapsed into silence again. Somewhere in the house a clock ticked. The furnace kicked in. I sighed and slumped in the chair.

"WWDD?" Zola asked.

"Yeah, what _would_ dad do?" I repeated. It was a sort of game we played. Whenever we had a problem or something... we would ask that question and try to think what Derek Shepherd would do.

"Probably reassure mom with some hot sex," said Ellis

"EWW!" Zola cupped her ears.

"Oh come on, we're all adults here."

"Barely." Zola replied. Ellis just shrugged.

"Well?" Zola asked again, looking at me.

"What are you looking at me for?" I asked.

"You're the man of the house."

"Really." I tilted my head at Zo. I may be the man of the house, but Zola was in charge.

Zola shifted in her chair,"Okay, here's how it works," She pointed at me, "You're the thinker," She pointed at herself, "I'm the doer, and Ellis is...the entertainment."

"That sounds about right." El said.

I sighed. It was true, that was how we worked. Ever since we were little. "uhhh I don't know..."

"Well figure it out, we have to help mom," said Zola

"Look," I said, "Her mom had Alzheimers right? She's probably imagined this scenario in her head a million times. So she's the one who's going to call the shots...when she's ready. We just have to make sure we keep her safe and listen to her."

"That totally sounds like what dad would do!" Ellis exclaimed

"See? Easy."

Zola piped up, "So right now, mom just needs support."

"Yeah." I said.

Zola nodded. "Okay... That's what we do for now."

xxx

We wound down for the evening and I ended up in my room unpacking my few belongings. When I was done, I sprawled on my bed and lay there thinking. As much as mom warned me not to get involved in 'fixing' her, it stll weighed heavily on my mind. She already lost dad. Soon she would lose us too, and all her friends. My mind was already made up. I had to do something. I would do something. Even if it took me years.

My phone beeped. Who would be texting me now?

 _Come to mom's room._

Zola?

I walked out of the my room and looked down the hall. Ellis was also out of bed wearing penguin pj's and polar bear slippers. I quirked an eyebrow. She returned the gesture with a glare. But the two of us sighed and padded down to mom's room.

The door was left open, and I heard mom's soft sniffles from inside. "Mom? Zo?" I peered in. The light was off. Mom was in the center of the bed, Zola laid beside her on the right. Ellis slid in front of me and raised her eyebrows at Zola, questioning. Zola simply jerked her head and stared at us pointedly. Sibling telepathy. Ellis climbed in the bed on mom's left side and I flopped beside Zola.

"Move your big ass," I said.

"At least I have an ass, Bony-butt."

"Shut up."

Mom stirred, "What- What are you guys doing?"

"We're here mom." I said.

"Yeah, cause you're having the dark and twisties." Zo said.

Mom sniffed, "Am not."

"Are too."

"Fine..." Mom trailed off. I guessed she was too tired to argue. We all laid there for a while in the quiet. Mom sighed. "Okay, you guys can go now."

"Nope." I said, "we're staying here."

"Guys seriously."

"Nope. Not moving."

"Fine." She shifted in the bed. "Ellis, you smell like booze."

"Someone has to finish of that bottle mom, you're not supposed to mix alcohol with your meds." El said.

"Great." Mom huffed. "I'm going to be all full of Alzheimers while my children are raging alcoholics. What a combination. Except you Zo. You're an anomaly, for some reason, you don't drink."

"Well someone has to keep a clear head."

"Someone..." Mom murmured. "God, I miss your father."

"You know... they never found his body," said Ellis.

Mom cleared her throat.

"Sorry, shutting up now."

"I feel like I'm eight." I said, suddenly having a faint memory of all of us cuddling on the bed when we were kids. When we were happy. When the world wasn't so messed up and things made sense.

"Is that how long it's been?" asked Zola.

"Guys..." Mom said again, but it sounded like she was starting to fall asleep

"Mom, we're here for you. We love you."

"Yeah," I chimed in "We're your kids."

"Okay... I guess I love you too."

There was nothing more for us to say. It was quiet for a long time. I felt my eyelids become heavy. I heard a soft rumble. Mom was snoring. It wasn't long before Ellis started snoring too. My breathing became heavier and slower. Just as I felt sleep come upon me, Zola poked me in the ribs. "Stop snoring."

 **A/N** So what do you think? Leave a review please. This was a fun chapter to write, the sibling dialogue just seemed to flow. And Bailey is McBroody...

Anyway, Next chapter we finally meet Cory, and Bailey has a chat with an old friend of the family. Then, a chapter or two after that...We will find out what happened to Derek.


	7. Hot Beverages and Conversations

**A/N** Thanks to everybody who Reviewed, Faved and Followed! You guys are the best!

So this chapter is generally a wrap-up of the first part of this story, and lay down seeds for things to come down the road, and a lead-in to the Derek storyline.

I will have a few different viewpoints here, so I will mark the shifts accordingly...

Without further ado...

 **March 7 2034**

 **Bailey**

The morning was still dark, the sky slowly becoming lighter in the east as the sun crept across the horizon. I was outside on the deck in my sweats, contemplating going for a run. Most people would have been devasted by the news that their mother had Alzheimers, and I was... but I also felt detached, like I was floating above the situation, observing it like a biologist on a safari. I thought I should feel more, cry more, or something. But it wasn't there.

I heard the latch on the screen door open and turned to see my mother, still in her pajamas, holding two steaming mugs of coffee. I took the mug she offered and the two of us stood in silence watching the sky.

Mom sized me up, noticing the McBroody look on my face, she cleared her throat, "when my mother told me she had Alzheimers I was hungover in Amsterdam," she said.

"What did you do?" I asked

"I finished the bottle of tequila, left a note for Sadie and jumped on the first plane home," she sipped her coffee. "When I got to Boston my mother didn't even discuss things with me. She already made arrangements for everything. She dropped most of her money into my account and generally acted like nothing happened."

"And then you went to Dartmouth."

Mom nodded and took a slow sip of her coffee. "Before I came home from Europe, I didn't know what I wanted. I was stuck. Did I want to be surgical royalty? Did I want something else? And what would that be? After her diagnosis, I thought...maybe, if I do this, go to medical school, become a surgeon, I could be closer to her... I don't know... understand her better or something."

"And did you? Understand her?"

"In some ways, I do, yeah. Other things I still wonder about... she was a complicated woman." She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "I know this is hard for you."

"It's not like it was a huge surprise... you joked about it a lot."

"I know. But Bailey, what's going on in that brain of yours?"

I sighed. "I don't know, am I supposed to feel more? Like cry about it? Be angry or something?"

"However you feel is fine... it's okay."

I mulled it over, debating if I should reveal my inner thoughts to my mother. But then I realized that it wouldn't be long before we lost these conversations. "I feel...detached. Like it's not really happening to me. Like you're a patient, not my mother, and I don't like that I feel that."

Mom sighed, she almost sounded relieved. "That's not so bad..."

"It's not?"

"No. It means that you're processing it. That's good. You have to just process it."

"I'm processing..." I murmured as I mulled over this revelation.

"Alzheimers isn't like any other disease. There's nothing definitive. There's no percentages... no extensive treatment plans or teams of doctors. There's no miracle surgeries. It's a day by day thing, and pretty soon you just learn to live in the moment and accept whatever good you can get out of it... at least that's what I keep telling myself."

I realized that mom and I felt the same way... detached. She was processing too.

The sun was now just starting to peak over the hills, and the sky was turning pink. Mom picked up her mug, "I've got to go to the hospital today, tie up loose ends and stuff." She leaned her head on my shoulder for a minute. "In a few years, when I'm not myself... remember that I love you, Bailey... more than you will ever know."

"I know." I said as I held her and kissed the top of her head. "I love you too."

xxx

Later in the day I was alone in the house. Zola had driven mom into town and Ellis went to Cory's place. I didn't know what to do so I wandered to the den. I hacked into mom's computer (the password was Mcdreamy) and found a folder named ALZHEIMERS. With a quick perusal, I decided to download it into my tablet.

I sat on the couch to review the information. My thoughts were interrupted by the ring of the doorbell. Who could it be? I opened the door to the tall figure in the doorway. "Richard?"

He grinned broadly and pulled me into a hug. "Bailey! What a surprise! Didn't expect to see you here!"

I hugged him back and let him in. "Spring break." I said, smiling. It was good to see him. He was like a grandfather to us. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see Meredith. Maggie told me about her diagnosis."

"Mom's so gonna kill Maggie..." I chuckled under my breath. "She's not here, she went to the hospital to finish things up with them."

"Oh... I see." He shook his head. "Didn't think it would be so soon."

"None of us thought so."

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"Coffee?"

"Sure, I'll put some on."

Richard walked further into the living room and noticed the content on my tablet. "Reading up, I see." He said.

I shrugged. "So?"

"I know you Bailey, and I knew your father. You're not going to let this go are you?"

"It's a devasting disease, Richard." I poured coffee into his mug and offered it to him. "And what does this have to do with my father?" The words came out a little harsh, but Richard took no offense.

"A long time ago, before you were in the picture, he came to me about a clinical trial. An Alzheimers trial."

"Oh?" I grabbed a soda from the fridge and cracked the can open. I knew Dad had done some work on the disease, but never paid it much thought.

"He was worried about your mother."

Of course, who wouldn't be?

"Not to mention the millions of other lives affected by it," Richard continued. "So they started the trial, and your mother was his resident. She had a good grasp of the patients and their families."

The soda fizzed in my mouth and I swallowed it down. "Did it work?"

He sighed. "Well, things got complicated. My first wife, Adele, was diagnosed with Alzheimers, and I pushed to get her on the trial." He shook his head, "You think you can be objective, put your personal feelings aside... but when an opportunity like this comes along..."

"You got her on the trial,"

"I did."

"What happened?"

"I learned how much your mother cared about me."

I raised an eyebrow.

"She tampered with the trial, Bailey. Meredith made sure Adele got the treatment instead of a placebo, and nearly lost her job... and Derek and Zola in the process."

Richard studied me as I let the words sink in. My mother, only a few years older than me at the time and at the cusp of her career, had figured it worthwhile to sacrifice it all for Richard's wife.

"Did it work?"

Richard shook his head, "There was no way to tell, Adele died a short time later."

I sighed heavily, "What are you trying to tell me?"

"This," he pointed at the tablet, "is personal, and it's complicated. Derek wanted to save your mother, and your mother wanted to save Adele, and in the end a lot of people were hurt, and the results were iffy at best."

"So check myself."

"Weigh the cost, Bailey. I know this is going to be in your head, and you aren't going to be able to let it go. So make sure you do the right thing for the right reason."

"Do you think my mother did the right thing?"

"As a licensed medical professional, of course not. But she would tell you that it's complicated, and it is."

I nodded. Of course Richard was imparting some deeper meaning to this. Except for my mother, he was the one that believed in me the most, and for him to share this with me meant that he knew I wouldn't give up.

He drained his coffee, sighed and got off the stool. "Well, good luck in college. I'll catch up with your mother another time." He patted my shoulder and then held his fist out. "Fist bump?"

I smiled and shook my head, "So out of style gramps."

xxx

 **Meredith**

I stood in front of the main entrance of Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital commiting the place to memory. It was one of the few days of the year where the rain had stayed away and the sun shone into the reflective windows. With a sigh, I entered the building that was my home for more than last thirty years. I swallowed and lifted my head a little higher as I entered the elevator. I forced myself to look straight ahead when I crossed the catwalk. I just needed to get to my office. From there I would clean out my desk, meet Avery to sign some papers and hand over my cases to be reassigned. That was it.

I punched in the code to the door to my office, flicked on the light and gasped.

"SURPRISE!"

If I was prone to heart attacks I would have had one then. As it stood, I clutched my hand to my chest, my face turning about ten shades whiter if it was possible. My usually bright and clean office was covered in streamers and balloons. On my desk there was a giant cake covered in sprinkles. A foil sign hanging on my back bookcase said 'HAPPY RETIREMENT!' and there was about twenty people with smiling faces in my office holding colored plastic cups.

I stood there gaping until I was nearly knocked over from behind by Alex, "Mer! I'm sorry- they didn't tell me!" he said angrily.

I managed to side-step to the couch. Before I could say or do anything, Callie jumped in front of the group. She smiled broadly, her large dark eyes wide and full of excitement, "Meredith, I know you don't like surprises, but I felt we should celebrate this! Since you started as Chief three years ago, this hospital has become amazing! This staff has become amazing! You have-"

"Stop it." I said quietly.

But she didn't hear."-this hospital to a whole new level. With the new re-"

"Stop it!" I said louder, my hand on my forehead. Callie kept talking, but Alex heard me.

"Torres, she said shut up!"

Callie stopped abruptly, her smile now a concerned frown. "Mer?"

I looked up to see twenty people all looking expectantly at me. Crap. I knew that they were just trying to do something nice for me on my last day, but I felt overwhelmed and crowded.

"Um, I..." I sighed. "Thank you, all of you." I stood up, "it means a lot to me that you all made the time to be here and do this... thing for me. I wouldn't be the Chief or the doctor that I am today without you as well." I made a small nod, "uh..." I had to get out of there. I reached in my pocket for my phone and pretended someone was calling me. "I have to get this, help yourself to cake." I smiled quickly and stepped back into the hallway. Automatically, my legs carried me as far away from the office that they could.

xxx

Alex found me in the old tunnels. They had been flooded out a few years ago and so were only used for storage now, but I still snuck down there on occasion.

"Figured you'd be here." He said. He sat beside me on the abandoned gurney. "Sorry Mer, nobody told me about the surprise party."

"Cause you would've warned me."

"Duh," he said. He handed me a tupperware container, "I stole some cake though, you should at least have that."

I smiled and opened the container, Alex handed me a fork. I took a bite of the cake, the frosting was too sweet and the sprinkles were too hard "Remember when we were interns, and life was hard and hectic and crazy?"

"Yeah..." Alex looked confused, "isn't life already hard and hectic and crazy?"

"Yeah, but I didn't have to worry about anything else but myself. All I had to worry about was the next surgery and whether or not I had a love life."

"It probably didn't feel that way back then."

"I know! That's what sucks. If I knew thirty-five years ago that I'd be an Alzheimery widow with three kids who worry the crap out of me, I probably would've relaxed a lot more about all the other stuff."

Alex had a far off look in his eye, like he was recalling a distant memory, "have more sex... eat more bacon."

"What?" I scrunched my nose at him. What was that about?

"Uh, nothing, just... you gotta enjoy life more you know?"

"Sex and bacon?"

"I'm a guy."

I shook my head and handed him the empty tupperware container. "I should go and find out if my office is still available."

Alex sighed, "Yeah, I got a surgery in twenty minutes."

I squeezed his hand. "I'll be all right."

He nodded. "See you later."

xxx

My office now free of people, I set to work cleaning out file cabinets and putting away my personal items. I left the streamers and the sign up, someone else could take them down.

I packed away the usual personal items, moisturizer for my hands, pictures, small sentimental knick-knacks. From my bookshelf, I only chose a couple of books that I thought Bailey or Zola might make use of. My stethoscope. I folded up my white coat and something fell out of the pocket. Derek's ferryboat scrub cap. I sat down in my chair and unfolded it, refolded it. I ran my hands over the worn fabric. _It's his ferryboat scrub cap. He loves ferryboats..._

"Meredith?"

I looked up, startled. Callie stood in my doorway. I acknowledged her with a simple nod, still playing with the scub cap.

"Alex was a little pissed at me for planning that party. I'm sorry for pushing that on you."

I sighed, "It's okay Callie, it's nice to know I'll be missed."

She cleared her throat and stepped into the office. "We will miss you. I'll miss you."

I shrugged. "I'll still be around, I'm not dropping off the face of the earth."

"I know. I have something to show you."

I raised my eyebrows, "Seriously?" Another surprise?

"Please?"

I placed the scrub cap into my box and followed Callie out the door. I followed her around for what seemed like ages until she stopped in front of a door. "Okay, remember that research grant for the robotics lab I applied for?"

I looked at her quizically.

"Nevermind- I didn't get the grant... but after the board heard the news about your early retirement, we thought you might need something to do with all your time." Callie unlocked the door and gestured for me to enter. "Instead of a robotics lab, you're getting your own Alzheimers research lab."

"What?"

"Isn't this great?"

I looked around, the lab was small, but there were three computers in a corner, the back wall was lined with monitors and light projectors to see films. Along the side was microscopes and petri dishes. There was a bookcase filled with books on the brain and Alzheimers, there were stacks of folders and magazines... I turned back to Callie. "You did this for me?"

"The Board did this. After all you've done, all you went through... we wanted to give you a fighting chance. It's privately funded, so no strings, and we'll assign an intern of your choice to help you."

"I don't know what to say..." I was in shock. My own space, my own tools, my weapons to accomplish my dream. It was unbelievable.

"Just win us another Harper Avery award already."

xxx

 **Zola**

"Mom?" I called as I unlocked the front door. "Sorry I couldn't pick you up, my meeting went longer than expected..." The living room was dark, I flicked on the light, "Mom?"

Movement caught my eye and I saw her stir in her chair. She saw me and smiled. "Hey. There's some takeout in the fridge if you want. Didn't feel up to cooking today."

I nodded. "Thanks, I already ate though."

Mom shrugged and got up from her chair. "How about hot chocolate?"

I flashed a smile. "Sounds great."

We walked to the kitchen, and while mom readied the kettle, I dug around for my favorite mug. It wasn't with the rest of the mugs, I had a hidden spot for it.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting my mug." I found it in a bottom cupboard.

Mom raised her eyebrows when she saw it. "That old thing?"

That old thing was a cracked red mug. It looked like it had been painstakingly glued back together piece by piece. Ever since I was a kid I was attached to it. I didn't know why. "Yeah..." I said.

Mom tossed a bag of marshmallows on the counter.

"Marshmallows? You got marshmallows?"

"Yup." Mom spooned hot chocolate powder into each mug. "So... what really happened in Africa?"

I suddenly felt defensive. "What do you mean, mom?"

"Well, at dinner last night, you didn't really share anything personal, and you never really got into it too much whenever we talked on the phone... and I just, I want to know you." The kettle whistled and she poured the hot water into the mug.

I plopped a marshmallow into my hot chocolate, trying to think about what I should tell her.

"Well? You better tell me before I forget."

I ushered mom back to the living room and we sat down on the couch facing each other. I sighed, "Well, there's a boy..."

Mom gave me a sly look.

"I told you about Julian..."

"Oh right-"

"He's sweet and smart, and he believes in me."

"Oh... Zo- you're growing up."

"He's just a friend but maybe..." I shrugged.

"You have feelings for him?"

"I think so, and I think he does for me too."

"Well, if it's right, it will happen- and don't let me stop you." Mom smiled and patted my knee.

I laughed and sipped my hot chocolate.

"Zola, what else happened?"

Like I wanted to depress her with stories of dying mothers that just gave birth? Of sick children that could be easily treated here with simple medication, but instead have to suffer while we scramble to make deals to get us the stuff off the black market because we ran out? Like I wanted to tell her about the adreneline rush I got when faced with these situations and how guilty I felt about it sometimes, because people were suffering, people were dying- and yet I came from this- this wonderful home and family where I could have practically anything, anytime.

"Zo." Mom said, pulling me out of my reviere.

"It's so different there mom, everything is a struggle. Getting water is a struggle. Here I just turn a tap, and boom, instant water. Most of our water just goes back down the drain again, over there, nothing is wasted. And I-" In my mind I saw Luola, Baby Derek's mother, as Dr. Stanley put a sheet over her.

Mom put her mug down on the coffee table and pulled me in her arms. "Shhh..."

"People are dying for no reason..." I sobbed.

"Shhh..."

I sat there for a long time sniffling and sobbing as the effect of the last few months suddenly hit me. Finally I pulled away and wiped the tears from my eyes.

Mom held my hand. "The world isn't fair Zola," Mom sighed sadly. "If it was I probably would never have met you. Things happen. Good things, bad things, and really messed up evil things where people have to suffer for no good reason. I gave up a long time ago trying to figure it out- it just took too much out of me."

She looked at my scarred red coffee mug, "but everyone gets a choice, to try and glue the world back together again, and I'm glad I raised you with such a heart to make the hard choices, to have a passion for something so much bigger than yourself. Your selflessness amazes me. When I was twenty-three, I was far more interested in losing myself in a one night stand than being on the other side of the world helping sick and dying people." She squeezed my shoulder. "I'm proud of you Zola."

I took a deep breath, truly touched by what she said. Glad that she pushed me to tell her all of that, so she could tell me those five words.

I cleared my throat. "I have something else to tell you mom."

"Oh?"

"Well, I've officially transferred to Washington U, but not only that- we were talking about my practicum options, and it looks like there might be a good opportunity for both of us."

"What?"

"Well, I'm going to be helping to run one of the free clinics downtown for my practicum, and when I told them that my mother was a retired surgeon who might need something to do, they thought maybe you'd be interested in volunteering."

Mom looked shocked for a moment- "Zola, I'm not sure- I gave up my medical license- I shouldn't be-"

"It's okay mom, I told them about your dementia, and they agreed to at least meet with you and find out what you'd be comfortable doing. And you'll only be there when I'm there... I just thought you'd want to be part of the action a little."

"Oh Zo, you know me so well."

xxx

 **Ellis**

I paced in front of Cory's apartment door. Why was I here? He should be the one pacing in front of _my_ door. Right?

Cory and I had been friends since junior high, he was a couple years older than me, and I never minded all the girlfriends he had because he always made time just to hang out with me. But last year, we got to talking and kinda sorta decided to try to be _more_ than friends. And when I thought that I was finally ready to go steady, I see him with another girl. I wanted to dump him so bad...

But then my mother revealed that she had Alzheimers, and I suddenly realized that life was short, and I had to _try._ So here I was, pacing in the hallway of his apartment building, trying to think of what to say. Suddenly I was knocking on his door. Great.

There was a long, uncomfortable pause. Cory never answered the door right away. If you knew him, you waited. Finally there was a shuffle and a click of the deadbolt. The door opened a couple inches. I expected to see his face in the doorway, but the door remained like that, the chain unlatched.

I pushed the door open and found him at the kitchen table reading a newspaper and sipping his coffee. He was wearing sweats and his reddish blonde hair was still messy.

"Hey." I said, dropping my bag on the floor as I walked in.

In his usual silent manner, Cory continued reading the paper.

"So, I wanted to talk about us, I'm sorry I got mad at you the other day- it's just I thought-" I stepped closer, "Are we gonna be anything? Is this going anywhere? Do you love me? Can you love me? I need to know if-"

Cory put his mug down and looked at me with his clear blue eyes. "We should probably have rules."

"Rules?" I asked, confused.

"I'm sorry about the whole Stacey thing- that was stupid. She's stupid."

"So..."

"So, El, I think I'm starting to like you a lot more than just a friend."

"Yeah?" My voice cracked with hope.

"I think I can love you more..."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"But you should know that I can sometimes be really dumb and do stupid things, so we should have rules..."

"Okay," I nodded, "Rules."

Cory got up and poured me some coffee. "You look distracted. Everything okay?"

"Yeah... no... Not really. I don't know" I scooped some sugar into my mug and stirred. We walked over to the couch and sat down.

"Wanna talk about it?" Cory offered.

I shook my head and sipped my coffee. We sat like that for awhile until I noticed all the pictures and articles on his coffee table. They brought back a heap of unwanted memories of That Day and I found myself speaking, "I thought I could be mad at my mom forever. Turns out I can't because pretty soon she won't remember me, and I don't want the last thing she thinks of me is that I hate her." I gazed at the pictures on the coffee table "What's all this for?" I asked.

"Research project for my journalism course," Cory said, shrugging. "Wait, weren't you in it? The Tsunami?"

Yeah, I was. It was the worst day of my life. The day I lost my father.

 **A/N** Dun dun dunnn! Well, there you go! I know, cliffhanger. Next chapter will explain what happened That Day and finally what became of Derek. Just remember it's the Journey, not the just the Destination... Because now sh*t will hit the fan and you may kill me for what I'm about to do in the next few chapters. But I keep my promises, and I did say MerDer didn't I?

For more MerDer, check out my other story- In My Dreams. Based on 12x09, Meredith dreams of Derek.

Anyway, Please review! Thank you!


	8. Tsunami

**A/N:** Thank you for all your Favs and follows! Shout out to HNF6501, greysfannn, rachgreengeller, HelloItIsMe, KdanceWriteDream, and Judy who are all recent new reviewers. Thanks so much for your comments, It really does make a difference!

This is the Begining of the Derek storyline... so we will be going back in time **six years** from where we left off. I would much rather put you in the moment- then confuse you with melodramatic flashbacks- so we will start here and continue until the storylines connect.

Ellis is 13, Bailey 15, and Zola 17. This chapter will start in 3rd person, because the scope is massive...

Here we go...

Chapter 8: That Day

 **June 16 2028**

In the middle of the Pacific Ocean, two massive tectonic plates rubbed up against each other, and as one plate was pushed under the other, the resultant displacement of water created a massive change in water levels. In the middle of the ocean, where the ocean depth plunged to thousands of feet, there was no visable difference, except a rise in sea level. But underneath, something was indeed happening...

The water was traveling at a speed close to the speed of sound, and in a fast crescendo it would arrive at the North American Western coastline in a matter of hours. Once the water reached the coast, where the coastal waters were only a few hundred feet. The abrupt transfer of energy caused water to rise up into a massive seventy foot wave that would crush everything in it's path.

xxx

 _New York NY_

On a television screen the host of a popular national talk show, a pretty asian american TV host introduced her guest: "Today on ABC Live, we have an astounding report in the world of medicine from breakthrough scientist and author Dr. Meredith Grey. Dr. Grey has just written a book about her research with Alzheimers Disease... Everyone please welcome Dr. Grey!"

There was some applause from the studio audience as the camera panned to a smiling prim middle aged blonde in the chair across from the interviewer.

"Dr. Grey, can you please give us a synopsis of your book and research?"

"Of course," she said, "My book is entitled Matter Over Mind, and it's essentially a breakdown of the research that I and my team have done in the last five years. We have actually been able to isolate the neurons in the brain that break down when someone has Alzheimers, once we have isolated them, we've been able to create a trial drug that prevents their break down by as much as fifty percent. Our last trial showed a dramatic decrease in the progress of the disease, by as much as three to four years, for thirty percent of our patients."

"That sounds small, but it isn't, is it?"

"Actually, in the world of Alzheimers thirty percent is huge.." Dr. Grey continued, nodding, as she looked at the camera seriously.

"Now it's my understanding you are a surgeon, not a research scientist, so why the sudden interest in Alzheimers?"

"Well, my mother had Alzheimers, so I have a personal connection to it. I've always wanted the chance to study it, and when the opportunity came to be involved in some of the latest research and trials, I jumped at the chance. Especially as I just completed training to be certified in Neurosurgery at the time. I may be a surgeon, but I feel as a doctor- it is part of our nature to stretch the boundaries of medicine through research like this."

The host tilted her head and smiled, encouraging the conversation, "Dr. Grey, how has all this time researching and writing affected your personal life?"

"Well it's been-" Dr. Grey was interrupted by a raised finger by the interviewer as she put a hand to her ear, listening to the producers.

"Excuse me Dr. Grey." She looked straight into the Camera, her expression shocked, "I've just been informed that an earthquake in the North Pacific has triggered a massive tsunami, and it is heading toward our West Coast- Everything North of Los Angeles will likely be affected. We will now be switching to live coverage from our news team-Kevin?"

As the audience gasped and murmered at the news, Dr. Grey visibly blanched, raising her hand to her mouth in shock. "I- I have to go," and she walked off the set.

xxx

Seattle Washington was mostly protected, as a few hundred miles of park space would protect them from most of the damage, although it was uncertain, as the wave could be funneled into their harbour and still cause damage. Regardless, the National Guard would be using Seattle as a base of operations to coodinate disaster relief.

At Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital the skilled doctors and surgeons were sent in groups to various points just north of the city, where emergency medical centers and MASH units were set up.

All across the west coast cities were ordered to evacuate from the immediate coastline. The army and national guard was called in to assist.

xxx

But further north, about eight hundred miles north to be more precise , on the Queen Charlotte Islands, in British Colombia most people remained ignorant of the wave that was crashing toward them. Especially the families and tourists that piled onto the small whale watching boat- the _Sagittarius_ as it left the tiny village of North Cove to tour the coastline for views of sea lions and orcas.

xxx

 **Derek**

 **North Cove , BC 7AM**

"Dad, wake up."

I heard my youngest, and I was awake, sort of... my muscles were sore from yesterday's hike through the forest. I just didn't want to move. Wasn't that the point of a vacation? We were in the Queen Charlotte Islands, a remote but attractive tourist attraction for those with a more adventurous side. After a busy year in which Meredith and I suddenly realized that all of our kids were teenagers now and no longer cute and cuddly, I decided we needed to go on a different type of trip than our usual beach vacations. Meredith reluctantly agreed, however a sudden change in her book tour line up meant that she would miss the first few days of our trip.

 **Two days ago:** _"Mer, you know it's important, the kids need to spend more time with you... and now that the book is published..."_

" _I know... I just have this New York thing- my agent worked really hard to get the gig. Live television Derek. Millions of people watching, they need to know about my work..."_

" _How many more Mer? How many more trips away? After all those late nights with your research, now you're away every weekend..."_

" _I hate it too Derek. This is my last one, then I'm done, okay? I know it's been a lot these last couple years... you've been," she pulled him close and kissed him deeply. "More than supportive, and I love you more everyday because of it."_

 _I smiled, breathing in her lingering scent. "I just can't stay mad at you."_

 _She smiled widely, "Of course not, I'm your wife."_

" _So you'll meet us there?"_

" _Right after the interview, I have a flight booked. I'll probably be there for supper."_

" _Okay."_

 **Now** :

She would be here later today actually. I smiled.

"Da-ad!"

"Mmm"

"Come on, we're supposed to go whale watching today."

I pushed myself off the bed, rubbing sleep out of my eyes. "I'm up. I'm up El, just give me a minute." I sighed and looked around the cabin. Zola and Bailey were still asleep in the bunkbed, but Ellis was up, her wavy dark hair a mess around her head. I was surprised that she was up this early. Weren't teenagers supposed to sleep in? Apparently not Ellis, Although I was sure in a year or two she would be just like Bailey, he could sleep through anything these days.

I ran my hand through my tangled hair and forced my legs to push me up and shuffled to the kitchen.

"Do you think we'll see anything?" Ellis asked, leaning over the counter as I searched for the coffee.

"I hope so," I said as I scooped a few tablespoons of coffee into the coffeemaker and pressed the button. Then I reached into the cupboard for the Museli.

"Why do you eat Mus-eli?" Ellis asked, reading the ingredient list on the box of cereal.

"It's good for you. Keeps you... regular," I grinned

Ellis made a face and grabbed the fruitloops. We ate in comfortable silence, ignoring Bailey's snores. Finally, I looked at the clock. Time to wake up the zombies.

Zola's foot stuck out from her blanket on the top bunk, so I grabbed her ankle and shook it.

"Nooo...Sleepin," Zola protested.

"Get up," I said.

"Uhhh."

"C'mon, before Bailey gets dibs on the shower."

That got her up. Zola sat up in bed, her back frizzy hair sticking out in all directions. "Make me coffee?" she asked.

"Already on."

"Kay," Zola slipped off the bunkbed with ease and padded to the bathroom.

Bailey was a whole other matter. I called his name, no answer. I poked him in the ribs, nothing. Finally I whipped the covers off of him, revealing his skinny pasty legs.

"Aww," he protested, "cold..."

"C'mon, we're going whale watching."

After the usual protests, within an hour, everyone was awake and fed and in a mostly good mood, I thought.

We were on the boat now, it was a small double decked boat, which carried about twenty people. The boat operator set the craft out, taking us from the small inlet we were in out to sea, where we would hug the coastline, on the lookout for sea lions on the east side and Orca's and other whales on the on the other side.

The day was beautiful, the sun hung lazily in the sky, and if it wasn't for the wind, it would have been a very nice seventy degrees. I leaned over the rails of the boat, glancing over to locate the kids, Zola and Bailey were goofing off in the corner, and Ellis had climbed to the top with her binoculars scanning the horizon.

The tour operator was telling intriuging tales about native indian creation stories as we made our way north. I snapped a couple of pictures with my phone to send to Meredith later, when we got into town.

"Coming up on the starboard side, there's a colony of sea lions on the rocks there... We'll be approaching a little closer in about ten minutes so you can take pictures..." People oohed and awwwed, and snapped pictures as we passed by. I noticed even Bailey seemed interested.

We cruised out a little further, and the operator mentioned that they had heard over the radio that some Orca whales had been spotted so they would be heading a little bit off course to catch up with them. I looked up and saw El's excited face. I climbed up to join her.

"Having fun?" I asked

"This is so cool," She said.

I grinned.

"I can't wait to tell mom all about it."

"Yeah?"

"Do you think we could do this again with her? Before we go back home?"

I shrugged, "Maybe," I said.

"Dad," Zola interrupted, "Can we get a few bucks for chips?" In the main covered deck, the crew sold a few snacks

"Oh," I patted the pockets of my jeans, realizing I must've left my wallet in the car. I still had a wad of dollar bills though, so I handed her a five. She grinned and ran down the stairs.

Ellis was absorbed in something she was seeing through the binoculars, I looked toward the shore, there was still a few groups of sea lions out there, but they appeared as dark blobs on the shoreline.

"Orca!" Someone shouted. People rushed to the other side of the boat. Except Ellis, who was still engrossed in the sea lions. Suddenly, the ship jerked up fast as if the water level rose several feet. My eyes searched the boat for the crew, who seemed confused and very concerned. Suddenly people were screaming- and the crew was moving and shouting instructions to us. Then I saw what they saw. On the port side of the boat, a large wall of water loomed over us. _Ellis!_ I thought. The ship bucked. I lost my balance, stumbling backwards, my arms pinwheeling for balance.

"Dad!" I heard Ellis scream and suddenly she was holding my wrist. But my feet dangled uselessly in the air beneath me and I realized that the boat was almost at a ninety degree angle. Ellis was clinging to my one hundred and eighty pound body with one hand while the other gripped the metal rail above her.

"Ellis!"

Her grip on the rail was slipping, but she tightened her grasp on my wrist. I looked down at the dark water, and back at her... We were being carried by the wave and the water was rapidly moving, the boat wasn't righting itself.

"Dad!" She called again.

"Ellis! You have to-" _Let me go._ Her grip was slipping. I could see the pain in her face. She couldn't hold my weight. If she kept holding on to me, I would take her down with me. I couldn't do that. I couldn't.

But she wouldn't let go.

In the pocket of my windbreaker was my car keys. I grabbed them. Tears filled my eyes. I would take my chances with the water. The shore wasn't far away-

"Tell them I love them and I'm sorry." I looked into her eyes once again, then I reached up with my free arm and swung, plunging the sharp key into her hand.

"Dad!" I heard her screaming sob as I fell. I struck the water hard, lost to the wave.

xxx

My ears were ringing. I coughed and my body spasmed with pain as I gasped for air. My fingers scraped mud. What happened? Where was I? I blinked and tried to move but was just too tired. I drifted back into unconsciousness.

Again, I woke up, the ringing in my ears was gone, that was good right? "Uhhh." Something said. "Uhhh." Oh it was me. I pushed myself up slowly, every muscle aching. The sun was bright and I squinted in the light. I was a heavy stumbling mess. I coaxed my legs to get me to a large rock several feet ahead of me so I could sit and get my bearings.

As I sat down, I looked around. The shore was covered in rock and trees. Something was strange about it though... It wasn't how you would remember a shore. The trees had been _knocked over._ There was several jagged stumps. Like they had been pushed down untill they broke. The large rocks were upturned. There was debris everywhere. I looked out to sea, there seemed like there was nothing there. How did I get here? I wondered. My mind attempted to backtrack... How did I get here? A sickening feeling filled me. I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember how I got here... I couldn't remember... _anything._

Why? Where? What? How?Who?

 _Breathe._

I took a deep breath. Then I retched, and retched and retched.

 _Breathe._

My pockets. I searched my pockets, but there was nothing. No wallet or anything- just a few dollar bills.

I sat on the rock, shivering. Desperately racking my brain for any type of clue. Then a soft determined voice spoke in my head. _I love you, and you can do this. You can do this. I know you can._

Somehow I felt calmer. I can do this. Whatever _this_ is. Survival.

 **A/N** Okay, how was that? So Derek isn't dead... but he doesn't remember anything... and well I told you this would be long and complex, so thank you for hanging in there... more on Derek next chapter. Because now I have to bring the two forgetful lovebirds together somehow right? Oh, that will be fun! BTW, the last quote in italics was taken from 5x19. Meredith believes in Derek.

Please Review!

Also, for a little MerDer, please check out **In My Dreams** I just started writing, I will be updating that one in a day or two.


	9. You Can Do This

**A/N** Thanks again readers, for a great response to my last chapter! I truly appreciate it...

We are still with Derek here... Like I said, this is a long story, and so we are now journeying with Derek for a bit while he sorts himself out. **Just a little warning- this chapter is a little bit dark, there's a description of a dead body, but I felt it was appropriate for this chapter.**

I also wanted to mention about the italics... _**Bold Italics**_ are the voice over. _Light italics_ are thoughts or dreams the thoughts are like voices in Derek's head, he doesn't remember per se, but there's like this constant reassurance, like he knows there is someone out there for him.

This was hard to write... how do you write someone who has completely lost their memory? How do you know what they feel or think? And I have no clue about survival techniques... still, I'm glad I took my time on this to give it what it needs.

Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing...

 **June 17 2028**

 **Derek**

 _ **Hope. Optimism. Faith. Where do these things come from? Is it something we learn from our parents? Or life experience? Is it something that we are given? Or do we posess it at birth...**_

I woke to my body shivering, I clutched the tarp that I was using as a blanket a little tighter and blew on my cold fingers to warm them up. I just wanted to sleep, to allow my body to fall into exhaustion, but the wind and the cold wouldn't allow it. I stood, choosing move around and force my body to circulate the cold blood and warm it up. I was a hundred yards from the shoreline where I washed up, on a small ridge that overlooked the ocean.

My stiff and sore muscles protested angrily, but it had to be done. My legs were like wooden planks as they plunged forward. At least the moon provided enough light for me to peer through the dark forest. I decided to head for the shore. Before the sun had set the day before, I had scavenged the beach for things that could help me. The three items that I kept was a tarp, a large piece of fishing net, and a plastic water bottle. I had yet to find a source of fresh water, as I was too exhausted yesterday to look.

I would have to make a shelter later, my bed of pine boughs was woefully inadequete.

I couldn't guess at the time of night it was as I paced the shoreline, so instead, I tried to think back and remember what happened to me.

 _Water, thick and murky, propelled me through a debris minefield. Somehow I came up for air and gasped, arms reaching, hands grabbing for something... Pulled under again, cartwheeling, underwater acrobat just trying to come up for air- gasping- the roar of the water deafening. Something hard and light hooked under my armpit, and I clutched it. It kept me floating for awhile... I felt nausiated as I raced with the current. No amount of swimming would save me here, I just tried to hold on... And then I was pulled under, and I lost my grip on my make-shift lifesaver..._

That was it, my last memory before I woke up on the shore and felt the sand under my fingertips.

I shook my head and grunted in frustration. I couldn't do this... I couldn't go back again to nothing. So I paced, back and forth on the shore untill the sun came up and soft light appeared in the horizon to chase away the dark.

 _ **And life experience takes it away?**_

xxx

Hunger and thirst woke me from my semi-doze. I needed to find water. With the sun further up in the sky, and warmth returning to me, I pushed myself through the woods to find a stream. It was surprisingly easy, there was one only about a ten minute walk from my pine-bough bed. I hesitated for a brief second, considering if the water was fit to drink. It was clear, and the small stream it came from had very little dirt, so I took the chance, deciding it was more likely for me to die from thirst than from parasites or bacteria.

I filled my bottle and chugged it. Filled it again and chugged half before my stomach protested. I wiped my mouth and washed my face and hands, happy to rid of the dirt and grime, happy to no longer be thirsty. I filled my bottle to the top and walked back to the shore. I needed food.

Scrounging around I picked some berries and some kind of seaweed that I left on the rock to dry. It was meager, and I thought I should use my bit of fishing net to try and catch something when the tide came in. I set up a spot to string my net, but really I had no clue. I was exhausted.

xxx

 _ **I'd like to believe I was an optimist.**_

I woke again to a low hum from above. My eyes shot open and I frantically searched the sky for the source of the sound. A plane! My body took over and I ran and jumped and waved my arms, but I already knew it was futile, the plane was just too high up.

Panting, I returned to my rock. This was it. I was going to die here, alone. My heart panged, my eyes watered. I suppressed a sob.

 _You can do this. I know you can._ The voice persisted.

"No I can't." I said out loud.

 _You don't get to die on me._

I held my head in my hands. Now. Now wasn't the time to give up. I let out a shaky breath. "Okay, okay um..."

Shelter. I need to fix my shelter, and then... work on something so someone could see me.

It was easy to find wood and vines to make a sort of makeshift lean-to around my bed, after that I dug a hole and rimmed it with rocks in case I was able to start a fire. I figured I could use the tarp to cover the other side, and fashioned a way to secure it a couple of trees.

I took a break and had some dried seaweed. I choked it down, but somehow I knew that the seaweed was very important to keeping me alive.

A little while later I trudged back to the shore. The next thing I needed to make was a sign.

There was lots of wood and rocks, but very little space, so I worked to clear the debris. After what seemed to be a couple hours of grunt work, I had to take a break. The wind was picking up, the breeze cold on my skin. I drank some water and scrounged for more berries. As I did so, I noticed dark clouds erupting on the horizon. I needed to try and start a fire.

I gathered soft dry materials that I thought would light easily. On the shore, I found a piece of metal, I grabbed that and a rock, hoping my plan would work. I just needed to make some sparks right?

I pounded on the metal with the rock like I was chopping wood. It was no use. There was no spark. Arm stinging with pain, I looked again at the horizon. The clouds were upon me and there was a haze in the distance as they emptied with rain. Muttering in frustration I continued to hammer at the metal. A thunderclap exploded across the sky, followed by a gush of rain. I grabbed the rock and metal and my plastic bottle and ran to my shelter, thankfully it was dry, so I huddled there, hoping the storm would pass quickly.

Somehow I must have dozed off for awhile, because the sound of the tarp flapping violently in the wind startled me awake. Heavy droplets of water battered the inside of my shelter, soaking me. _Not good._ I thought, _Hypothermia..._

I grabbed the tarp and ripped it from the tie on the other tree. I wrapped the tarp around myself like a cloak and pressed myself against the tree. All I could do was wait. But the pounding wind and rain was depressing. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine who I was...

 _A man wiping his brow as looks up from his work._

 _A dog licking his face._

 _Playing catch with a boy in the backyard._

 _A man coming home to his wife... she kisses him in the doorway._

 _ **I'd like to believe that I had optimism in me before... but I don't know who I was before.**_

Who was this man?

Was I married? The absence of a ring on my finger suggested I was single, or divorced but there were many married people who do not wear rings, so it didn't mean anything. Did I have children? How many? I wanted to think I did. I was old enough, I felt old, and it wasn't the exhaustion speaking.

I looked at my hands. They were dirty, but soft, so I knew I hadn't done physical labour jobs in a long time. My nails were neatly trimmed. On my left forearm there was a very faint white line running from my wrist to elbow. It looked like some kind of scar. So I had injured my arm at some point, that might explain how now my hands were soft... maybe I had a career change.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. At least I had a good head of hair, that was something. And my eyesight was good, so I knew I didn't wear glasses.

The wind howled and whistled around me. I could only wait and wonder if someone was out there, looking for me. Intense Ionliness gripped my heart like a vice, and it took everything to push it down. Somewhere, in my heart and mind, I had to put these feelings in a box.

 _You can do this, I know you can._

 _I'm someone you need to get to know to love..._

 _So if I know you, I'll love you?_

But who was I?

My eyes opened as another crack of thunder roused me but the weight of my exhaustion pulled me back under.

xxx

The shining glint of the sun pierced through my bleary eyes as I forced myself awake. I was wet, and tremors were racking my body. I got up despite the pain of aching muscles and gingerly made my way back to shore. Once there, I looked at the work I started earlier and sighed, the waves from the storm basically erased all the work I did. I gritted my teeth and screamed in frustration.

"Why?" I yelled. "Why is this happening to me? What the hell?!" I kicked a rock and watched as it bounced along the shoreline. Somehow I felt better. I picked up a larger rock and hefted it with both hands over my head and flung it into the cold waves. "What the hell?!" I yelled again. But I had to do this, I had to believe someone was looking for me, that someone wanted me. _I_ _can do this._ I began again lifting logs, branches and twigs. When I had a space cleared, I dragged some wood out and decided on a simple SOS sign. After I manuevered the logs and surveyed my handiwork, I thought I could use a piece of the tarp to make a flag to put in the middle, besides, I was due for another trip to the stream. I was thirsty.

Watching my flag flap in the wind brought me a strange sense of hopeful pride. Someone will see this, I thought, it won't be long.

xxx

The days continued in the following fashion: Wake up, drink, wash. Stumble to the shore to try and make a fire, (I had only been successfull a couple times) check the net for for anything, if there was, it was a good day. Scrounge for berries and seaweed, fix my shelter and try and stay dry and conserve energy. I marked each sunrise with a scratch in a piece of bark by my bed.

The morning I counted my seventh day I had to stop myself from sobbing. Hope was draining out of me every day. I was hungry and tired everyday. My bones ached. Still I got up. The routine was everything. Drink. Wash. Stumble to shore. Fire (not today). Check my net...

I pulled the net out of the water, disappointed at finding nothing but empty broken shells and algae. After cleaning it out, I set it again. Sighing, I gazed out at the vast horizon. The blue green waves lapped at my feet. Then I saw something floating toward me. A log? No it was too wide. The object was pushed closer, rolled in by the waves. Maybe it was a dead seal? I waded in, closer, and the outline of the object became horrifiyingly familiar. It wasn't a log, or a dead seal... it had arms and legs and hair. It was a body. Bloated and gray, the clothes plastered on it like wet paper mache.

Strangely, I reached out and grabbed the body's arm, but the feeling of the cold lifeless flesh disturbed me and I gagged. "Ugh!" I stumbled and fell backwards into the water. A wave washed over me and simultaneously pushed the body closer. Disgusted and horrified, I scrambled backwards, crabwalking away from the body before pushing myself to my feet and running toward shore.

I bent over at the waist , hands on my knees, panting. My stomach rolled and I swallowed thickly. I chose to not look back.

I swallowed again. Death. A dead body was on my shore. What did that mean? Did I know this person? Was he or she part of whatever it was that brought me here? Or was it a coincidence? Somehow I didn't believe in coincidences. Right now, I couldn't. I paced. My initial visceral reaction was being quelled by curiousity. I turned around to look at the body behind me.

The waves had now washed him completely onto the shore. I picked up a stick and approached the body. I waited for another wave of nausea, but strangely, none was forthcoming. I had gotten over it.

The body was facedown, and by the body structure I could tell it was male. Pieces of him were gone, bitten off by animals no less. I poked him with the stick. He must have been dead for awhile, the body was quite bloated and decomposed. He was caucasian, heavyset, looked to be in his thirties or forties though it was hard to say. But it was his clothes I was interested in. Specifically his pockets. Breathing through my mouth as I fished through his jean pockets, I found nothing. Like me, he had no ID. There was nothing on him that would be of use to me. The gag reflex returned to me and this time I could not quell it.

xxx

I sat on my rock, staring at the body that I had dragged out of the ocean. Staring at death. How did this happen? That he was there and I was here? Remembering to keep hydrated, I crinkled the almost empty water bottle and gulped the last of it. I would have to bury him. I should. I cleared a spot and dragged him just a few feet further to a spot where I thought I could dig a decent sized hole. It took much longer than I thought, the dirt was hard to get through. Finally I pushed and rolled the body in. I covered him with dirt and packed around the shallow grave with rocks.

When I was finished, I stood over the grave and tried to think of something to say or do for the man's body or soul or whatever. I couldn't think of anything.. or remember anything, so instead I just said, "Whoever you are, go in peace." And stood there for a minute or two in silence.

Burying him brought me no peace, however. Drowing was a horrible way to die, and it only further reminded me of my precarious situation. There was another thought too... one that lingered in my subconscious, one that was too dark right now to contemplate. Instead, I walked back up to my shelter to try and make a fire and go to sleep.

xxx

I couldn't keep a fire going, as the howling wind kept me from getting any dry tinder lit. I knew I was in for a storm, and tried to fortify my shelter as best as I could. I fell into an exhausted slumber.

 _Pulled under, rolling, tumbling... losing air- losing oxygen can't breathe. Sand under my fingertips. But I'm dead. My body a bloated carcass on the shore. I drag my corpse to a shallow mud grave. My dead self looks up at me... "There's no fixing me, I'm a lemon.I'm done." He smiles, as if relieved. I scoop mud onto his face and body. But the voice says again, "There's no fixing you..."_

" _No," I say. "No!" I scream. With my neatly clipped fingernails I start digging through the grave again, digging up my dead self. But he's gone. There's no body._

" _No!"_

" _I'm someone you need to get to know to love..."_

" _But I don't know who I am!" I screamed as dirt fell through my fingers. And then the ocean rose up in a massive wave and crashed into me._

The force of the wave jerked me awake from my nightmare. Petrified, I lay there shaking from fear instead of cold. It was dark out, and the storm was in full force outside my makeshift lean-to, but rational thought left me in that moment.

 _There's no fixing you_

 _You're a lemon_

 _I'm done_

The wind howled, I heard a snap as a branch broke above me. It crashed into my shelter, taking the tarp and a few poles down along with it. Then the downpour hit. I had to stay dry. The tarp, free from it's ties blew away. I scrambled after it in the dark, crashing through the semi familiar woods. I needed it. My foot caught on a root, I tripped. My arms came up to break my fall, but where I expected an impact there was none. Just air. Weightless, my heart jammed into my throat. For a split second I felt nothing but fearful exhilaration. Then I crashed, my body a limp dummy bouncing and rolling down the cliff.

There was pain... and then sweet darkness.

xxx

 _ **Still, if I don't know who I am...**_

Wet. That was the first sensation. Then cold. I thought I should feel pain but it seemed my body thought it best to be numb instead. I saw some sky, and pine needle branches, and heard the rush of rain. Exhaustion was next, and I smiled to myself when my eyes closed.

xxx

 _ **Then I am new... I am a child.**_

Pain. Exruciating, like every nerve in my body was on fire. There was a heaviness on me. One eye opened and saw movement above me. I heard voices. More pain. I heard my voice groaning. A face appeared over me, but I couldn't make out any features. There was two voices, a man and a woman, but they were speaking in a language I didn't recognize. I closed my eye.

xxx

Pain again. But not everywhere. Certain places. My leg, my ribs, my head. Movement. I was moving, or being moved, I was strapped to something. wrapped in a very thick blanket. Actually it was fur. The pain came and went and so did I.

xxx

Hot. Feverishly so. Sweat dripped down my brow. The pain was still there, dull, in the background. Thirst. I heard the voices again, felt something on my lips, wet and cool. "Drink." Automatically, my mouth opened. Closed. Savoured. Swallowed.

 _You don't get to die on me._

 _You can do this. I know you can._

 _ **And children haven't been damaged yet. They intrinsically carry Hope and Faith and Optimism in them. I am a child. I can have hope.**_

 **A/N** Yeah, this was dark, but Derek has now been rescued. Yay! But by who? And what happens next? Thanks for reading! Please Review!


	10. Empty Container

**A/N:** And I'm back again... Thanks to those who reviewed fav'd and followed! If you've been following this story and haven't yet shared your thoughts, please feel free to drop a comment, I welcome constructive criticism... I want to know what you think! This is the middle... and I hate middles, but hopefully I can carry you through to the other side.

Amelia fans... she's not here yet, but is in this story. If you need a fix, check out my stories The Call or It's a Beautiful Day to Save Lives... They may interest you.

Anyway... continuing where we left off...

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing and make no money from these characters

 **Derek**

 **June 27 2028**

 _Falling. Pain. Wet. Darkness_

A low roar. Crackling and snapping. Warmth. The aroma of... food. I was slowly becoming aware of my surroundings. "Mmm." I groaned. I was warm and dry and I relished it until I felt the throbbing pain in my leg. I wiggled my toes and flinched. It must be broken. I reached down and felt it. It was wrapped in a splint of some sort.

I blinked. Through bleary eyes I realized I was in a very small cabin. A worn upholstered chair was beside my bed. Furs and tanned skin lined the walls. Chopped wood stacked neatly beside the door. A wood stove perched the corner, an orange glow eminating from the vents. Beside the stove stood a woman at table chopping something, she hummed softly.

"Where..." I rasped.

She stopped humming and turned her head slightly. A young woman, maybe twenty. Raven black hair, tied behind her in a braid. Golden brown skin, but her eyes were light colored, maybe green. The chopping stopped as she gazed at me. She finished her work on the counter, collecting the items she chopped and scraped them into a large pot which she carried to the stove,then she left, the door banged shut on her way out.

"Wait..." My heart thudded hard in my chest. Where was she going... I needed her.I sighed heavily, I was alone. I could hear rain pouring down the roof, the sound relaxing me. Before I could fall asleep again, the door squeaked open and the woman appeared, carrying a large clear jug of water. She poured some into a cup and and came to me.

"Here," she said softly, she placed the cup under my lips, "drink."

I drank, the refreshing liquid slid down my throat and cooled my hot body. "What- What happened? Where-" I had so many questions, but I was so tired.

"Shhh," the woman said. "Just rest."

I couldn't fight the exhaustion. I licked my lips, took another few sips of water, and was out like a light.

xxx

I woke to the sound of voices. The woman from earlier of course, and a man. Soft hushed voices, as if they were trying not to wake me. I couldn't make out what they were saying though, they were speaking in another language. I opened my eyes. It was dark outside, the light of day gone from earlier, the cabin lit by a single overhead bulb and a couple of lanterns.

In the kitchen area, if you could call it that, the man and woman seemed to be discussing something. _Me,_ I thought. They each had a bowl in front of them and sat on tall stools beside the counter. The man said something and patted her knee and the woman sighed deeply and then looked over at me. When she saw I was awake, she smiled and walked to the stove with a bowl in her hand. When I meet the man's gaze, he simply nods his head at me and continues eating.

A pillow is pushed behind me, and I push myself to sit up a little as a bowl of stew is placed in my hands. "Thanks..." I say. I still have a lot of questions, but my stomach is demanding so I lift the spoon and help myself to the delicious meal.

"I'm Angie," She says, she cocks her head to the man at the counter, "That's Everett. What's your name?"

My name. During my time alone I had thought about what my name was, but I never realized I would have to voice it out loud. "Um... I don't- I don't remember."

Angie looked suddenly concerned, "You don't remember?"

I shrugged, and told her about my last few days alone, waiting for rescue. I start to explain finding the dead body, but the memories of that day cause me to choke up. "So how did you find me anyway?" I ask instead.

"We come to hunt," Everett explains, "We saw your flag, saw the grave... we knew someone still had to be alive eh? So we followed the signs, found your shelter, but you were gone... we kept looking, then we found your tarp caught in a tree. You weren't far from it, in a ravine."

Brief flashes of memory came to me... I landed hard, my leg striking a fallen tree, and then I blacked out. "You pulled me out. What are my injuries?"

Angie sighed and patted my good leg. "Bruised ribs, your right leg is broken... it's a bad break though. Everett and I should get you to a hospital."

That brought up another question. "Where am I?"

"Haida Gwaii," Angie said. She continued explaining once she saw my confusion. "An Island, North of Vancouver, in BC."

I nodded, somehow I seemed to still remember my geography. "I just- .. how did I wind up in the ocean in the first place?"

Everett cleared his throat. "There was a Tsunami ten days ago, we think you were out on a boat then, fishing or touring..."

"Oh," I say. The news hits me hard and fast, and I am realizing now that I have a clue, a teeny tiny clue about what happened to me. A Tsunami... that explained the trees, and the body. A terrifying thought occured, what if the I wasn't touring alone? What if my family was with me? What happened to them? Were they dead? These sudden thoughts hammered my mind and I felt dizzy, I leaned back into my pillows and choked down a sob.

Angie took the half eaten stew from my hands. "It's late, you should rest, we'll talk more in the morning.

xxx

Morning came, along with pain. My ribs, my back, my leg. I was sweating too, the fur blanket too warm. Angie greeted me with some Aspirin, but I knew it wouldn't be enough. "So, what should we call you?" She asked.

"I... I don't know."

"Okay let's see... John, Jim, Joe, Jason..."

I shook my head.

"Um, Tyler, Frank, Phil, Scott, Paul, Mark..."

"Chris." I say. I don't know why. Chris sounds right. Chris. or Christopher.

"Chris." Angie says nodding, a half smile on her lips. "I like that name."

"Me too." I say in response.

There's silence between us.

"Where's Everett?" I ask.

"He's out, trying to get a signal so we can get help."

"I don't understand."

"Since the Tsunami hit, we haven't been able to contact anyone. We were on our way back to home when we found you. You're leg is pretty bad. I'm worried that it will get infected if the swelling doesn't go down."

"So you have to leave the island?"

Angie nods, her eyes reflecting worry. "If we can't find a doctor or a nurse... I know a little bit, but..."

"It's okay. I'm just glad I'm not alone anymore."

As if on cue, Everett steps in, a bulky radio in hand. He shakes his head. "No signal." He sighs, "I'm going to get the sled ready and gas up the ATV."

"Okay," Angie says, "I'll make some bannock and pack some food."

Angie starts pulling ingredients off the shelf to make bannock. Flour, oil, milk powder... I watch as she begins what seems to be a recipe she knows by heart. "Do you think..." I start, "Do you think someone is looking for me?"

She stops, resting the wooden spoon against the bowl. "Everyone has family."

"It's just, I feel... something bad happened. I don't remember. I don't remember anything."

 _What they never find me? What if they are already dead?_

Angie regards me sadly. "Everyone has family. Someone is searching for you. You can't hold onto the bad. Consider this a blessing."

"Losing my memory is a blessing?" I sputter. There was no blessing, no silver lining, except that I was alive. Alive and in pain and far away from anyone who had any sort of resources to help me.

Angie muttered something under her breath as she spooned the dough into a frying pan on the stove. It sizzled and smoked slightly. "Right now, you're _kalaang..._ an empty container. Yes, you've lost your memories, but that doesn't mean you've lost yourself. You get a chance to start again, to see yourself from another perspective, to create a new side to yourself."

I shook my head, not understanding.

"Okay, well, think of it this way... My dad hurt me when I was little, and my mom didn't know how to raise me, and I was abandoned when I was eight until my grandmother found me and raised me. When I met Everett, it was hard to let him love me because I never let a man love me..."

"Because of your father," I was starting to understand.

"You don't have that. So for now you can start fresh. And when you're guided by your instincts, you will actually find yourself again."

"You think so?"

Angie turned the dough in the pan over. "I hope so."

xxx

Angie re-splinted my leg, which was painful, then I was lifted off the bed by the sheets to a long sled that was layered with blankets and furs. She made sure I ate before I left and then she packed extra food in a paper bag. The sled was hooked up to the ATV, and Everett tied me in. "It's going to hurt a lot. Sorry."

"It's the only way." I said.

He nodded and patted my shoulder. Everett explained it would be about two or three hours to get to the village, and from there either a ferry or a plane would get me to a hospital. It would be a long journey.

xxx

Sharp shooting pain down my leg was my wake-up call. I gasped. My fingers touched my knee through the splint and it was very hot. Not good. I looked around, I was inside someone's house. An old TV glared with static and the sound of white noise. Everett was in a chair, head tilted up, snoring. I heard a shuffle. An old woman peered at me, her crescent eyes full of concern. Lifting the blanket up she saw my knee, clucked and muttered under her breath. She shuffled to another room and came back with a pill bottle and a cup of water.

"What's that?"

"Penicilin." She said, the word drawn out by her accent- 'pen- _a_ -cil- _in_ '

I understood. This was to fight the infection in my leg. She gave me the pills. I swallowed them down with the water and ate a piece of bannock bread. Pure exhaustion forced me to fall asleep again.

In the morning Everett explained that he found a plane that could take me to Nanaimo the closest city large enough to help me. Two hours later, I met the pilot, a tall older native man who spoke loudly and boasted of his one-man company, Alec Taylor inc. I just hoped he was a good pilot. I passed out as we flew over the Pacific, and awoke only when the plane landed, jarring my leg and causing me to grimace in pain. Pure relief filled me when I saw the flashing lights of an ambulance waiting for me at the airstrip.

xxx

Consciousness floated above me like fog. I wanted desprately to wake up. I tried to move but I couldn't make my muscles obey. Once again I heard voices, but they were too far away to discern. But there was something I felt. Hunger. I tried to recall the last time I ate. Bannock. In the village, before that, stew in the cabin with Angie... I could remember the smell of the slow-cooked meat. I breathed in, and the harsh smell of cleaners and antiseptic assaullted my nose. I was in a hospital.

The voices were closer now, "Swelling's gone down," a man said."Should wake him up-"

"Sir?" The other voice said. A woman. "Sir?" A hand on my shoulder, gently rocking me.

"Hmm." I blinked through crusted eyelids, a blurry figure in a white coat leaned over me. I expelled a long breath. "Where?"

A light shone in my eyes and a finger moved side to side. I instinctively followed it. I blinked back the blurriness. A man with greying hair and a stethoscope around his neck appeared in front of me. On the other side, a woman in patterned hospital scrubs propped a pillow behind my back.

"You're at Nanaimo General Hospital." The man said calmly. "I'm Dr. Hovan. Do you remember what happened?"

I shook my head, "I don't know... they found me on an island... I broke my leg." I noticed my leg was wrapped in a cast and in traction. I also noticed the pain was gone. "I was on a plane..."

"Mmm hmm." Dr. Hovan said. "Do you remember anything before that?"

"No..."

"Well, when you came in, you had an infection from your broken leg, one of the vessels was cut off and couldn't circulate blood properly. Fortunately, we managed to fix it. We had to put some pins in and treat with heavy antibiotics. You've actually been here for about four days. You suffered a secondary infection, pneumonia, so you've been in and out for awhile." Dr. Hovan smiled slightly and patted my arm. "But you're going to be just fine, barring the memory lapse. Nurse Jackson is going to talk to you some more, see if you can remember anything else. I'll come check on you later." Dr. Hovan said, and he exited the room.

I looked over at the woman beside me, who was checking my IV. She smiled quickly, but it was obvious she looked exhausted. I suddenly realized that there was other patients in the room with me. Several, in fact. It was crowded. A couple had broken bones, and another two just seemed to be resting. I wondered why. Then it hit me. "Tsunami," I said.

"Yeah," Nurse Jackson said sadly. She was young, but not too young. Her long curly brown hair tucked behind her back in a half ponytail. She looked at me with kind intelligent eyes. "Not everyone could evacuate on time.

"It was huge, every major city on the west coast was affected. It's been three weeks, we're still trying to pick up the pieces. Reports come in every day." She sighed. "It's chaos."

It wasn't good news, and I felt a pang of empathy for everyone involved. "Are you okay?" I asked her.

Quickly wiping her cheek, she sniffed. "Just tired. Um, after we've taken you for your scans, we'll be putting your picture up on our wall. Hopefully someone can identify you... You should think of a name... we have a lot of John Doe's"

"Chris..." I said, remembering the conversation I had with Angie earlier. "Do I have to have a last name?"

"Chris is fine for now." Nurse Jackson said. She adjusted some settings on my IV. "I'll be back later."

I was alone again with my thoughts, and once again I drifted to my earliest memory...

 _Water, thick and murky, propelled me through a debris minefield. Somehow I came up for air and gasped, arms reaching, hands grabbing for something... Pulled under again, cartwheeling, underwater acrobat just trying to come up for air- gasping- the roar of the water deafening. Something hard and light hooked under my armpit, and I clutched it. It kept me floating for awhile... I felt nausiated as I raced with the current. No amount of swimming would save me here, I just tried to hold on... And then I was pulled under, and I lost my grip on my make-shift lifesaver..._

I pushed and pulled at the memory, trying to get through it, trying to find what was behind it...

And it came to me, not a memory, a sensation. Falling. I fell. I fell and hit the water.

 _So what was I to you?_

 _I was drowning and you saved me._

My heart was breaking. I wanted so badly to know... that someone loved me. Because I needed love, I needed to lean on it, to wrap my life around it. I wouldn't be happy alone. I drifted into a dreamless sleep, when I was woken by a panicked voice, "Where is he? I have to find him... Oh God, that's him! That's my husband!"

There was movement outside my room. A woman barged in, dark wavy hair with streaks of grey. A hospital orderly tried to stop her but she shoved past and made her way delibrately toward me.

"Oh, I was looking for you forever... I thought you were gone." Her face was pale, and her brown eyes worried.

"I..." I was still in a haze... who was this woman? "Who?"

"Oh Mike, don't you remember?" She reached up and stroked my cheek. I flinched. "I'm Sarah honey... I'm your wife."

 **A/N** I'm gonna go hide now... and get my bullet proof vest before you all shoot me. Just remember this is temporary. The only way I could keep Derek from his family for so long was if he had been led to believe he was someone else... so yeah. But it won't be bright and sparkly, and Sarah has her reasons... just hang in there. And we'll see Angie and Everett much much later in the story.

Please review!


	11. All on Faith?

**A/N** Okay, getting off the cliffhanger now... Thanks again for your reviews, favs and follows.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own anything...

 **July 5, 2028 Nanaimo, BC**

 **Derek**

The razor hung loosely in my fingers as I rinsed the shaving cream off. Another stroke as the blade revealed bare skin on the left side of my face. Despite the cracks and wrinkles it revealed, I felt myself. A few more strokes and I was finished. Patting my face dry, I studied the man in the mirror. _Michael Robertson._ That was my name. I was married to Sarah Robertson. We had been together for ten years, she said. No children of my own, except Sarah had an estranged daughter that she hadn't seen or spoken to for more than ten years, so I had never met her.

But I was relieved to have Sarah. There was someone waiting for me, looking for me. Someone who loved me.

"Hey hon," Sarah greeted softly at the bathroom door. She offered me a navy T-shirt.

"Hey." I replied, flipping the shirt over my head and letting it fall loosely over my chest. I grabbed my crutches and hobbled out of the bathroom.

"Breakfast?"

"Sure," I smiled. _Are you a cereal person? Straight out of the box? Or all fruit and fiber-y? Pancakes? Do you like pancakes? A good day starts with a good breakfast._

"Okay, there's a free hot breakfast in the lobby downstairs. Are you up for coming down with me?"

I nodded and followed her out of the hotel room. The breakfast nook was full of people, families that had lost their homes. Survivors, I thought. While I settled in a corner table, Sarah brought me scrambled eggs and toast, and her own plate of the same. "Find out about the house?" I asked.

Sarah picked at her eggs. "It's gone," she whispered. "Everything... all of it."

"Oh." I said. My heart broke. I had no memories of the house, but the house had my memories. Things that were mine, that defined me, would have been in there.

"I know," Sarah empathized, her hand covered mine. "I-we lost everything."

Lost again, my gaze wandered to the people around me. They shared the same look, flat and empty of emotion."So we'll have to start over."

"We have money, we were going to retire."

It was all very overwhelming. I rubbed my forehead and sighed.

"What did the doctor say about your memory?"

"They did a full scan, nothing to indicate anything abnormal...It could be from hitting my head or it could be something psychological."

"Psychological?"

"They think something traumatic happened and my brain is coping by blocking the memories."

"Oh." Sarah nibbled on her toast.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Just not hungry."

"You should eat, get your strength up."

"Maybe later," she dismissed.

We grabbed coffee to go, and went back to our room. Sarah sat stiffly on her bed, her fists curling in the sheets. I didn't know what to say or how to comfort her. I didn't know her anymore. I didn't know how to know her. "I want to go see the house," I said.

"What?-no," Sarah said quickly. "Mike, there's nothing left, just debris."

"I have to try Sarah."

She turned her head to me slowly, "What if you don't remember?"

"I don't know... it's just-ah," I couldn't describe it. Maybe somewhere in the wreckage I could find myself. I sipped my coffee and scratched absently under my cast.

"You're right," she said, "We should go."

"Really?"

"Yeah, we'll just stop at the pharmacy first and fill your prescription."

I maneuvered myself to her bed and sat beside her. My hand over hers, I uncurled her fingers. Sarah sighed and rested her head on my shoulder.

xxx

Sarah returned from the Pharmacy, stuffing the white paper bag in her purse, and handing me a bottle of water. She handed me my painkillers and antibiotics. I swallowed down the pills as we drove down the highway. Tofino would be a three hour drive. Staying awake was difficult as the the road curved and bucked and the view of the devastated coastline was obscured by trees and cliffs. I tried to remain interested, but my eyelids drooped and soon I was asleep.

 _Where did you grow up? What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? Where did you spend your summer vacations?_

"Mike?"

"Mm," I said, waking to a pain in the crook of my neck. Moisture from the fog on the window left my cheek cold. Rubbing it, I sighed before looking up.

"We're almost here," Sarah said. She swallowed, and I couldn't help but notice her pale cheeks.

Ahead of us on the road was a gas station. Sarah nudged the right turn signal and the car slipped into the exit lane. "I'll fill up and use the washroom. Do you need to-?"

I shook my head, not interested in moving.

"Okay." She gave a small smile.

There was time now, alone, to process things... to think. _My name is Michael Robertson. I'm married to Sarah Robertson. We met at a singles function at a local bar. Apparently I never really settled down before, and Sarah had been divorced for a few years already and was looking for a new start. My lack of emotional baggage was refreshing, and I was wanting companionship. She finally convinced me to tie the knot. We've lived here since then. A small beachfront house, with a wide dock and my sailboat. Sometimes I would go for a two or three day trip along the coast by myself or with a buddy. Apparently that's what I was doing when the tsunami hit._

Drizzle lightly dotted the window, a drop slid down, its perfect oval becoming oblong as gravity stretched it. Outside Sarah left the gas station, headed to the bathroom, the door on the outside the building. She tugged on the doorknob, but it didn't budge. Shifting one foot in front of the other, she rummaged through her purse and and pulled out a bulky white paper bag, the one with my prescriptions.

The bathroom door opened and a little girl exited, dashing over to the minivan behind us. Sarah grabbed the door and left my line of sight.

xxx

They were still trying to clear the streets of debris, so we had to park the car several miles away and take a golf cart in. Sarah handed me another painkiller and I swallowed it down gratefully. It would be a bumpy ride. Sarah drove like a pro though, expertly dodging potholes and winding around the mounds of debris. Sweat greased my hand as we leaned down a steep incline. There was a small community of houses that was supposed to be here, Sarah said. Now it was wood and concrete and metal rubble. That was my life. Wood, concrete and metal rubble.

I grabbed my crutches and hopped along as close as I could to the site.

"We had a large picture window looking over the view from the ocean," Sarah said. "A big deck in the back with a fireplace, the kitchen was small, I didn't like it when we bought the house, but I got used to it. You took some of the cabinetry and fixed it up a little, so it seemed like it had more room."

"Mmm." I accepted this information, creating an image in my mind. _"Hello,"_ _I called. I took a few steps, tossing my jacket on the coat hanger. I flopped on the couch, gazing at her while she rummaged in the kitchen. My nose crinkled at the smell. "Fish sticks?"_

 _"Shut up," She teased. "I didn't get a chance to go shopping so- fish sticks."_

 _"Okay." I got up and padded to her, taking in her scent, like a flower. I grabbed a bottle of beer and turned to the picture window, watching the sun set over the water. "Why don't I get a fire started in the pit, we can eat outside?"_

 _"Sure."_

 _I leaned over her and gave her a quick kiss._

It wasn't a memory, I knew. It was a construct. An attempt. It was me, reaching into the fog and trying to grasp at something. I fumbled.

"Hon?"

"Just trying to remember."

"Oh." She said despondently.

"So..." I tilted my head at her, looking for direction, looking for her lead.

"You're the one who wanted to come out here."

"I know. What... What do we do next?"

xxx

We got a room at a grimy motel. Sarah dropped me off and went to find food.

I laid carefully on the bed and dozed. Sarah bustled in with a couple bags full of groceries the noise pulled me from my light slumber. Luckily we had a mini fridge and a microwave. The groceries were dropped haphazardly on the tiny round table and Sarah rushed to the bathroom. She was in there awhile. I heard the toilet flush, rustling noises, pills rattling in their bottles. Emerging from the bathroom, she offered me my evening medication with the plastic cup half full of water.

The pills slid down with a bitter aftertaste and I downed the rest of the water to get rid of it.

Sarah pulled out a small container. "Yogurt hon?"

"Sure," I said.

She plopped it into my hand along with a plastic spoon. She took a container for herself and pulled the foil top off. We ate in silence.

"There's only one bed," Sarah said.

"So?"

"Are you- I mean will you be comfortable with one bed?" She gestured to my cast.

The queen sized mattress seemed big enough to share. "Plenty of room," I said.

"It's just, you don't remember me."

My breath hitched. The first day I met her in the hospital had been difficult, although Sarah had been very gracious.

 _"Oh Mike, don't you remember?" She reached up and stroked my cheek. I flinched. "I'm Sarah honey... I'm your wife."_

 _Shocked and confused, I stared at her."Wife...?" So I was married. Sudden relief hit me, and I blinked back a tear. "I'm married?"  
_

 _She took my hand, her palm warm and her grip soft. "We got married on the beach in Qualicum, remember?" she asked. Her expression was a mixture of sadness, hope, and fear. I wanted to tell her yes, I wanted to see that expression change. But all I could do was shake my head slowly._

 _Dr. Hovan cleared his throat, "He's been suffering memory loss, we have some scans ordered. We don't really know if its temporary or permanent. But from our initial observations, it doesn't appear to be due to a head injury._

 _"Oh," Sarah said. "So it could come back?"_

 _Dr. Hovan shrugged. "The mind is a mysterious thing, Mrs. Robertson, we don't really know what will happen."_

 _Sarah's gaze drifted back to me, traveling from my leg in traction, up to my torso and chest, finally resting on my face."It's okay," a smile flitted on her lips for a second. "If you don't remember, it's okay. We'll just have to start again... as long as we're not alone right?"_

 _"O-okay," There was a part of me that was unsure, uncertain of who to trust, who to know... But she was here. Someone was here for me. And she knew me, and could remind me._

 _Nurse Jackson arrived. "Oh," she said, noticing my visitor. Sarah glanced at her quickly."Time for your scan, Chris."_

 _"It's Mike," Sarah said._

 _"Oh," Nurse Jackson nodded, "Someone found you, that was quick." She directed her smile at me._

 _"You can come back later Mrs. Robertson," Dr. Hovan directed her out of the room. "Let him rest."  
_

The hum of the microwave brought me back from my reverie, and a moment later, a hot dish was in my hands. Microwaved chicken alfredo. "So what's my favorite food?" I asked.

"Um... Pork roast. I'd get it Fran's meat shop, throw it in the slow cooker with some vegetables."

"Oh," I said.

"You're a meat and potatoes guy." Sarah shrugged.

"How about you? What's your favorite?" I rested my hand on her knee.

"I like... well I used to eat just about anything, except fish sticks, can't stand that cheap processed stuff."

"Wait, used to?"

Sarah hesitated, her lips pulling in over her teeth. "I have irritable bowel syndrome, can't eat half the stuff I used to."

"That's too bad," I said sincerely.

She sighed, "It's late... we should get to bed."

We turned in for the night, Sarah changed into loose fitting sweats and handed me the worn pair of sweatpants that the hospital had donated. We lay side by side in the bed on our backs. At some point, her hand found mine.

xxx

The cacophony of a blaring cellphone caused me to stir in my bedsheets, and Sarah muttered something unintelligible as she stomped around the room searching for her phone. The noise stopped much to my relief.

"Hello?" Sarah answered. "What? Really? Oh God... Is he okay?"

Scratchy sounds of someone speaking on the other end kept me half interested in the conversation. I rubbed my eyes and sighed deeply, trying to wake up. Grunting I propped myself up on one elbow and watched her pace, a hand over her mouth as she tried not to cry. "Okay, okay... thank you, we'll be there soon." She closed the phone. "Sorry."

"S'okay," I said.

"We have to go."

xxx

We were out the door quickly, Sarah force fed me my pills and breakfast and hustled me into the car. "What's going on?" I asked.

"It's Buddy," she said as she clicked her seatbelt into place. "They found him."

"Buddy?"

"Our dog Buddy."

 _A dog licking his face..._

 _How's my dog?  
_

 _Our dog._

We pulled up to a tiny building resembling a large metal shed with a pointed roof. Untrimmed weeds sprouted out from the corners beside long yellow stained grass. A sign read Tofino Animal Hospital. Sarah held the car door open and I pulled myself up and grabbed my crutches. Barks and howls greeted us when we entered the vet's office, along with the distinctive wet dog smell mixed with ammonia. I chose to breathe through my mouth. Sarah didn't seem to care and barged in right to the desk.

"You have my dog?"

The receptionist's eyebrow raised over thick glasses while she held up a finger and spoke on the phone. Abruptly, Sarah stopped, seemingly remembering her manners. She nervously chewed her nails. The receptionist hung up the phone, wrote something on a stickie, then regarded Sarah. "Name?"

"Sarah Robertson."

"Right. Your dog..." She shuffled through some papers on her desk. "Buddy."

"Yes, can you take me to him?"

"Just have a seat dear, I'll radio Justin." She picked up a radio. "Justin, can you go pick up Buddy?"

"Which Buddy?" The distorted voice replied after a moment.

Rolling her eyes, the receptionist looked down at the paper, "The white lab. Collar has number 240 on it"

"Ten-Four. Five minutes."

Putting the radio down, she glanced up at us. "Have a seat."

I sat down quickly. Sarah collapsed in the chair beside me. "So we have a dog."

She nodded, smiling faintly. "We have a dog... a stupid, reckless, happy, arthritic pain in the ass dog."

"Mmm." I said. "When did we get Buddy?"

"Um" She mumbled, her eyes drifting with a far-away gaze. "Just after we got married. You told me he followed you home, but I think you picked him up from the pound."

"Oh?"

"I think you got him to keep me company when you were away working."

Working. I worked. What was my job? Sarah noticed my slack-jawed look as I tried to recall my previous occupation. "You worked on a fishing boat. You'd be gone for weeks or months at time, depending on the season, but you always came back."

"Fishing huh?" I looked at my hands, the faint scar down the arm. Questions rose again...

We were interrupted by a joyous bark as the side door swung open and a young man appeared gripping a leash tightly as the pain in the ass white lab lunged toward Sarah.

"Easy." Justin said.

"Hey Buddy!" Sarah took the leash as Buddy pounced on her, his tongue lapping her face in dog kisses. Bits of shaggy fur floated in tufts as she scratched him gently.

Buddy huffed and turned to me, sniffing my cast and exposed toes. I suppressed a giggle when he licked my big toe.

The receptionist handed Sarah a clipboard, "He's fine, a little dehydrated. Sign here." Sarah scribbled her name on the form and brushed back a tear.

xxx

The beach was a fine place to take Buddy. Despite his arthritis, he had a lot of pent up energy to release. I sat on the large driftwood log, my crutches leaning beside me. Buddy loped in and out of the water, pausing to bark and pounce at spitting clamshells that disappeared into the sand. Sarah seemed to notice I was brooding a little and left me alone, she wandered up and down the beach too, occasionally tossing a stick for him to chase.

I watched Sarah, trying to remember how I would've picked her up, what kind of pick up line I would use... _I'm new here. This a good place?_ I tried to think of her response, but as I followed her movements on the beach, I realized on a deep instinctual level that I wasn't attracted to her. She was short, and a little stocky, wide hips and shoulders. There was something else about her... she was sad, and I understood that we had lost our home, and I wasn't who she expected, but it felt different. If my wife had lost her memory... I would be talking constantly, taking her places, trying to get her to remember. But Sarah seemed to resist this, only answering when asked, not really volunteering anything. It was kind of like she didn't want me to remember. Something happened. Something bad, and a part of me didn't want to remember either, still... The fairy tale my heart wanted to make might be very different from reality.

Later that night we settled into bed. Buddy finally been pushed off to settle on a thin blanket on the floor. I lay beside her on my back, my arm tucked under my head. Sarah lay on her side, facing me. We hadn't talked much. I hadn't asked any questions because I didn't trust the answers. I remembered what Angie said earlier about following my instincts. "Sarah..." I sighed. I'd been thinking about something for awhile now... and I had to phrase this the right way.

"Hmm."

"This is going to sound weird, I don't want you to take this the wrong way,"

Her eyes flicked open and I looked into them. At first glance, they were brown, but when you were up close, there was a mixture of gold and green and hazel. Like her eye color, Sarah was a complex person.

"I... Can you call me Chris instead of Mike?"

Her lips parted slightly, and she sucked her cheeks in a little. I thought I saw a wince. _Damn._

"When I was rescued..." I continued, "I chose that name, and it felt right. It felt like me. Mike doesn't feel like me."

Sarah's fingertips stroked my hand, "Okay, if that's what you want."

"Are you sure? Cause-"

"It's fine." She turned and rolled over to face the wall.

 _And the rest, you just have to take on faith. But how much faith can you have when you have nothing?_

 **A/N** So what do you think? Theories anybody? It would be interesting to hear what people think... Part of this is... well Derek just doesn't like being alone, so I think he subconsciously chooses to accept some of this stuff because he doesn't want to be alone... so... anywho...


	12. Painful Doubts

**A/N:** Thanks so much for your patience Readers; I had to take some time and get the story right, and make sure I don't disappoint. I loved your comments! And I love that people are still following and favoriting this story.

This chapter will cover a years worth of developments for Derek. What's going on in his head? What does he really think of Sarah? What is he going to do about it? Read on...

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters and make no money off this fic.

 **August 15 2028** Qualicum, BC (Just outside of Nanaimo)

It arrived in the mail today. A brown goverment stamped envelope. Without opening it, I felt the hard rectangular plastic card inside. My ID. My name, height, weight, date of birth, eye color. Apparently everything I knew about myself could be put on this single stylized embossed card. I laughed at the irony. At least I knew the picture looked good.

My keys jingled as I unlocked the deadbolt to the house. Our house was temporary, something we'd rented while we figured things out. In the livingroom, Sarah sat on a worn couch sorting through boxes and bags of donated items.

"I picked up some stuff for us." Sarah said.

"I see that," I replied, taking a few steps inside."Got my ID," I held up the envelope.

"Great." Sarah smiled. "Um, there's beer in the fridge if you want, then maybe you can help me with some of this?"

I nodded. I just spent an hour outside with Buddy for my first real walk with him since I got my cast off. I grabbed a beer and pulled open the sliding door to the back porch. Settling into the patio chair I crossed my legs and ran a hand through my sweaty hair. It was hot and humid,A cold beer would be nice today.

My fingers splayed on the top of the cold can as I cracked it open and took a sip. The last few weeks, I've learned a few things about myself; I liked to get up early: five or six in the morning, I enjoyed breakfast, something healthy and not loaded with white carbs or fat, although occasionally pancakes were acceptable. I was a go getter- always doing something, busy. and I liked people... But I also liked the quiet town with the peaceful beach. That's five things about myself that I didn't know before. Five things.

"I made you tuna on rye." Sarah intterupted my thoughts. She leaned in the doorway, holding the sandwhich on a yellow plate. She put it on the tiny table between us.

"Thanks." I opened the envelope and stared at my ID. At the time of the picture, I finally managed to tame my hair into a style I liked. "That's me."

"That's you." Sarah said softly. She cleared her throat. "So um, which room do you want?"

"Doesn't matter," I shrug. We haven't been intimate. We held hands sometimes or cuddled on the couch, but nothing further happened. Neither of us forced it, because to me- I just met Sarah for the first time just six weeks ago, and for her- I'm not the man she fell in love with. She said it this morning with perfect clarity:

" _Look," Sarah said, pouring me coffee. "The doctors said this memory thing may never come back. Or it might. Nobody knows." She stirred her own, the cream swirling and mixing to form a cohesive color. "I don't expect you to be the man you used to be... I'm just glad I have someone."_

 _I sipped the rich bitter brew, feeling a little relieved at her confession, but I think she is doing it more for my sake than hers. "Is that why you cry at night?"_

 _She stopped stirring and looked down. "You weren't supposed to know about that."_

" _Mmm." Now I can't help but wonder exactly what kind of man Micheal Robertson was. What kind of man I was._

xxx

 **September 2028**

"So you know Bob Fisher?" I asked Sarah one day. It was evening, we were walking on the beach with Buddy again. My feet were a little cold and wet as they pressed into the soft sand, but I didn't mind. It was peaceful here.

"Bob the Builder?" Sarah quotes Bob's nickname.

"Yeah, Bob." Bob the Builder was quite popular and it didn't take me long to befriend him. I hung out at the local diner during lunch hour while Sarah was in Nanaimo working on social work cases. After a week of listening in, I finally joined in and struck up a conversation. Bob builds boats. He has a warehouse by the pier, and after the tsunami hit, it took awhile before he could get back at it again, but there's a huge demand now and Bob is known locally as the guy who builds the best custom made pleasure craft. It inspired me to look online and order some books on boats and ships and building. The last few weeks, that's what took up my time. Research. Another thing I figured out about myself. I enjoyed reading. I enjoyed knowledge. And I liked to look at plans and puzzles and solve things.

"What about him?"

"I asked him for a job." I needed to get out. Work. Feel productive. "I can't sit here anymore, I need to do something when you're in town working."

"Oh," Sarah sounds disappointed. "I thought we were going to be retiring."

"Well you're still working." The tone came out harsher than I expected.

Sarah doesn't flinch. "Part time..." she said

"I can't sit around... I'm not wired for it."

"So... You're going to build boats?" By her tone, Sarah was skeptical, but I didn't mind.

"He said I could hang out there for awhile, get a feel for it, see what I like and what I'd be good at."

"Well, if it makes you happy Chris, go for it." Sarah picked up a stick and waved it in front of Buddy who followed it with his mouth. He pranced playfully side to side. Sarah tossed the stick in the air and Buddy chased after it.

I watched him trot over to the stick and grab it with his powerful jaws. I saw Sarah's blank gaze and wonder how much I loved her before.

xxx

Banging, whirring and screeching sounds greeted me as I entered Bob's 'office' which is little more than a desk piled in papers, a phone that surprisingly still has a cord, and an old iMac computer.

"Chris m'boy," Bob jumped up from his hunched position on the desk. He rolled up his latest design and tucked it under his arm. Bob shakes my hand until it's almost awkward. He's a short stocky man with shoulders like a linebacker. His eyes gleam with excitement.

"Bob, hi."

"I'll give ya the tour."

There two aspects to Bob's business, one- small personal recreational boats, nothing bigger than twenty feet. Two- restoration of old wooden boats built in the sixties and seventies. Obviously the former is where he makes his money. I listen with interest as he expounds on the necessary things I need to know when I'll be working there. I met a few of his workers, all of them hardworking men who clearly are happy to be there.

We walked out of the main building and into a smaller workshop. Three boats of various sizes and levels of completion are suspended in the air.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Passion project." Bob clapped his hands together like a kid in a candy store.

"Passion project?" I don't know what he means.

He shook his head. "You're a strange man, Chris."

 _Indeed._

"Yeah, I build boats," Bob continued. "But here... here is where it starts." He pointed to the biggest one. "This is Shelby. I built her from scratch, been building her for the last three years. Named after m'daughter."

I admire the polished mahogany finish and the sleek areodynamic lines. "It's beautiful."

"Ain't it?" Bob smiled with pride. I followed him to the next boat. "This one's a sailboat, bought it at auction." It's old and worn, the paint is cracked, the fiberglass hull is dented, one of the masts is broken. "This is the next one. I'll be stripping her down, replacing bits and pieces, bringing out the best parts."

"Hm." Again, I'm in awe. Bob has drive and sentiment. He knows what he's doing and why... he has a passion for something. I'm still looking for that, longing for it since it was ripped away from me only months ago.

"And this one here..." It's small. Less then twenty feet. Built for two. The mast and sail have been removed. A large gaping hole is on the port side and it's cracked horizontally too. The paint is worn, and some of the wood looks rotted. "I picked this one off the shore from the tsunami. No registration, I think someone hand made this one. I'd guess it's about twenty years old or so, been underwater for at least ten."

I gazed at it. The small sailboat is wrecked and broken yet still holds dignity. It was something to someone and it was lost in the ocean only to be found again. By a builder no less. "Can I..." I reached over without waiting for Bob's permission. He nods anyway, clearly seeing I wanted some kind of connection. I brushed my hand against the hull, the rough texture daring to give me a sliver.

"It's all wood," Bob said, "Pretty rare these days."

"I want this," I blurted

"I see that," Bob said, removing his cap and wiping his forehead.

"How much?" I asked.

Bob squinted and tucked the tips of his fingers in his pockets, leaving the thumbs out. He's sizing me up. "It's not for sale."

I look back at the boat, I don't know why I'm attracted to it... _I have a thing for ferryboats._ "It's just..."

"Chris, I didn't mean you couldn't have it."

"What?" I was confused.

"Work for me," Bob said, "Thirty hours a week, learn the trade. I'll pay you half what I pay my other guys and I'll bank the rest. Once you've earned enough in the banked funds for this, you can have her."

"I have the money." Why won't he just sell it to me?

"I don't sell broken boats. You're going to learn how to fix this one, and once she's fixed, you can keep her."

"Oh." I said. Suddenly I'm elated.

xxx

 **November** **2028**

 _The water is cold. I'm spinning, tumbling, debris swirls. And then it's gone. Murky water becomes clear... I'm still in the water, but the water isn't pushing me anymore, I'm pushing it. my clothes are waterlogged... I'm sinking- no, I'm swimming downward. Diving. Reaching. For what? But whatever it is, I can't stop. I have to get it. If I don't I'll die._

 _You didn't swim. I don't know if I can... if I want to keep breathing for you._

 _You don't have to breathe for me._

 _You're like coming up for fresh air, like I was drowning and you saved me._

 _And then my chest hurts. I feel warm liquid bubbling up. It's blood..._

A warm glow filled my inner eyelids until I blinked and swallowed, gasping mouthfulls of air. These vivid dreams have been haunting me lately. It's like I want something so bad... but it's so far out of my reach I can't get there in time.

I turn over, wrapping my arms around a warm and fuzzy body. Buddy responds and rolled on his back so I could rub his belly.

The smell of coffee and pancakes pulled me out of bed. I washed up and ran a comb through my hair. Rubbing my chest, my fingers pushed through the dark curls and I notice something. A very thin white line down the middle. No one would notice it unless they knew where to look. It was partially covered in chest hair anyway.

Sarah was in the kitchen, flipping pancakes. "Hey," She said with a small smile,"I made buckwheat for you. I know you're on a health kick these days."

"Thanks," I grumble. I'm not in a good headspace, my dream bothered me. There's so much I don't know... and I don't know if I want to know.

"What's wrong?" asked Sarah. She immediately picked up on my tone. She knows something. She's hiding something from me and I hate it. I hate that I don't want to know. I hate the dread.

"Nothing," I say. Could she just drop it?

"Dreaming again?"

"It's nothing." I can't put my finger on it, but since the dreams started... I can't help but feel that this is wrong, that there's something else out there that I'm missing. My heart feels... empty.

"You can tell me. I'm your wife," Sarah finally says.

 _My wife..._ "You're my wife. That's what's wrong," The revelation erupted out of my lips before I could process what I was saying.

"What?" Sarah's voice is loaded with panic, "Chris... What are you talking about?"

 _I think I'm entitled to a moment of painful doubt..._

I'm torn. I didn't want to hurt her but I did, and now I can't stop. "I'm not attracted to you. How did I ever love you?" I choke out. "It doesn't feel like you're my wife." The pancakes start to burn on the grill. Sarah quickly flipped them onto a plate while fanning her hand over the grill to dissapate the smoke. "You've never told me anything more than what I asked" I continue my rant. "You don't want me to remember. Why don't you want me to remember?"

"Sarah?"

Sarah reached into the fridge and pulled out the milk. "I don't. I don't want you to remember," she admitted as she measured the milk and poured it into the mixing bowl. "Because before the tsunami, Michael Robertson was a workaholic who never came home. He wanted me to be happy with a dog." She dumps a cup of flour into the bowl. "He made me paranoid, thinking he was having an affair. He would rather watch hours of hockey on television than do something with his wife. He was absent...

"When I finally grew a backbone and told that Michael Robertson to leave, he did... He sailed away on his magical sailboat two days before the tsunami. I have a health scare and I'm sitting in a hospital in Victoria when the tsunami hit and the only thing I can think of is: My husband is gone and I'm all alone. Then I find you again. It's like I get a do-over.

"This Michael Robertson is patient, he's interested in me. He likes to go for walks. He likes to cook me pancakes in the morning. He's supportive. He talks to me. Yeah it's not perfect, but it's not demeaning. It's nice...

"So I'm selfish, Mike. Because I don't want you to remember. When you do, you'll leave me for some other girl. For now... I just- I don't want to be alone." Sarah cracks an egg into the bowl and stirs the batter. She can't look me in the eye.

I press my face into my palms.Her answer rings true but hollow at the same time. What is this? What are we? The anger tightens my chest, my fingers are cramping from clenching and unclenching my fists. Anger at Sarah. At the goddamned tsunami. At my own frustration and confusion. I can't see the old me. I can't imagine it. I push my plate of pancakes away. "Buddy and I are going for a walk."

xxx

I end up on a bench at a nearby park. Buddy lying at my feet, gently panting. Weariness enveloped me and I closed my eyes. I couldn't picture this absent man Sarah described. That wasn't me. But then I couldn't really picture myself now. I don't know myself. It was all so confusing. A part of me missed the Island I was stuck on. Yes, I was lonely... but I didn't have to think about myself in relation to other people. It was clear and simple. Survive.

And then I remembered Angie's words: I was an empty container. I didn't have baggage. I could be who I wanted, who I felt like. And on that advice, I resolved something in myself.

I didn't fully trust Sarah, but she'd been kind. She took care of me, she kept me company, and she was lonely too.

I could try. I wouldn't be me if I didn't try. With that in mind, I tugged on the leash and walked back to the house. I find Sarah bunched in a warm sweater on the front step, a cup of tea in her hands. She looks tired. Buddy rams his head between her knees and she laughs. "I didn't think you'd be back."

"I always come back," I say automatically. "We might fight, but I'll always come back."

She nods, but says nothing. I take it as my cue to continue. "I don't trust you. I don't trust you and I don't know who I am- so everything is twice as hard because I have nothing to compare myself to. The things you tell me about myself don't feel right, and frankly all I can trust right now are my instincts."

Sarah clutched Buddy like he's some kind of lifeline.

"That said, you haven't hurt me. You took care of me. You've given me your home, you shared your secrets. You helped me get on my feet. For now, I think maybe we could be friends?"

I reach over and rub Buddy's head.

Sarah nodded slowly, a silent okay to my request.

 **January 2029**

I walked home from work with a bounce in my step. Working with Bob had been an eye opener and I learned a lot about the craft. I'd finally gotten a couple hours to work on my boat, though all I'd done was scrape old paint off. Still, the easy work allowed my mind to wander, and an idea came to mind.

I wanted to build a house.

Bob referred me to a contractor and we drafted the plans. I had the papers with me and I spread them out on the kitchen table.

"What's this? Sarah asked.

I smirked. "I'm building a house."

"You're building a house?" She almost dropped the mug of tea she was holding.

"Yeah. I've been talking to everybody about it. What do you think? I was thinking we could go for a classic-"

"Chris why do you want to build a house?" Sarah asked, gazing at the plans.

I could understand why she was nervous. It was a big step. We were still in the 'friend' phase, but I thought this... maybe it would help me- find that thing that so plagued me in my dreams. "I want something permanent. Something that lasts."

Sarah shook her head. "Nothing lasts. Things get destroyed. People die."

"I want to build something. We can build this. Let's make plans." I want to move forward.

 _I was just gonna tell you that this over here is our kitchen... and this is our livingroom... And that's the room where our kids could play..._

Sarah smoothed out the paper, gazing at the rough blueprints. "What if something happens? It would be a waste."

"Don't you want something permanent? Think about your daughter. We could leave this for her."

"My daughter wants nothing to do with me, Chris..."

"Give it a shot- people change." I was almost pleading now. I didn't know where this feeling came from. I wanted the house so badly. I wanted it because I lost everything. Oddly Sarah didn't want it for the exact same reason.

"You really want to?"

"I do."

"Okay, we'll go to the bank tomorrow."

 **June 16 2029**

It was my day off and I was surrounded by paint samples. I was trying to figure out the color schemes for our livingroom and kitchen. We would be moving in in a couple weeks. "What do you think Buddy?" I waved the color splotches in front of him. He whined and covered his nose with his paw. "I know, I've always been partial to blue... but this just isn't the right shade. Wait, why am I talking to you? Dogs are color blind..."

Buddy made a sound that disagreed with that statement.

The phone rang. I picked it up. "Hello?"

"Michael Robertson? an officious voice asked.

"Yes, who's this?"

"This is Marine officer Landing calling from Victoria. We found the remains of your sailboat, registered in your name. It washed up on the shore here in Victoria during the Tsunami

"Victoria? What's it doing there?" That didn't make sense. Why would it be found five hundred miles south of where I was found? Was that even possible?

"I'm not sure sir-"

"Are you sure it's mine? I thought it would be found a lot further north than Victoria."

"We double checked the registration. The boat was recovered about two months after the tsunami as part of our clean-up. Unfortunately we are only now in the process of contacting all of the owners."

"Okay..." I said, still confused.

"Look, I'm just calling so you can let your insurance company know. It's pretty much a pile of wood and fiberglass right now... I can forward you a report and pictures to send."

"Uh... sure, okay." I gave him my email and copied his contact info. But really, I'm kind of in shock about the whole thing.

My next thought is to talk to Bob. I glanced at my watch, I had enough time to get to the diner before Bob headed back to his shop.

The diner was loud and boistrous. Bob and his guys are having a lively conversation about last night's game:

"Did you see that save?"

"Anderson blocked them all..."

"I still don't know why the hell they traded Berk..."

"Think they have a chance for the cup?"

I breeze past the guys, nodding as they see me and lean in beside Bob. "Talk to you for a second?"

"Yeah boy, what's up?"

"Do you think... I mean is it possible for wreckage to show up on shore five hundred miles south of any survivors?"

Bob looks at me confused, so I pulled him to a quieter spot in the Diner. "You know my story right?" Bob nods, I'd told it to him a few times already. "I got a call. They found my boat or what was left of it... In Victoria."

"That's five hundred miles south of where you were found."

"That's what I said..."

Bob shook his head slowly. "Not possible. Wave like that would've pushed everything east right up against the coast. If the Tsunami pushed you to shore, it shoulda pushed your boat to shore, or close."

His words are like punches to my gut. I'd been lied to. Sarah _was_ hiding something from me. How the hell did I get from Victoria to Haida Gwaii? What really happened to me? I marched out of the diner, jumped in the truck and drove away..

I end up at the site of our newly built home. The outside is complete, only leaving drywall and finishing touches on the inside. Six months work. Six months of trying to trust. Sarah told me I took the sailboat on a two day run... so why didn't I end up in Victoria with my boat? What was really happening in our relationship? Did we even have a relationship? I thought I could forget that I had forgotten everything. I thought that I could start over... But apparently, I can't.

I had to call her. Demand answers. I dial her number and wait but it goes to voicemail.

I called Bob.

"Yeah boy?"

"Bob... I want... I need to get out of here for awhile, know anyone looking for a deckhand?"

"Gimme a little time son, I'll ask round fer ya."

"Thanks."

I stared at my phone, my finger hovering over the redial button on Sarah's number. I change my mind and jam the phone into my pocket. I go back home, barging through the doors. I don't bother taking off my shoes and track mud on the floor. In my room I dug out a large duffle bag and stuff random clothes in it.

 _Go. You should go. Leave._

I stormed into the bathroom and grab all my toiletries and a couple towels.

My phone rang. It's Bob.

"Gotta job for ya Chris... It's gonna be a few months."

"Good, that's good."

"You'll have to catch a plane, tonight I got you a ticket, I'll come pick you up"

"Fine. Thanks."

"Everything okay?"

"No. It's not. I just need... I need space."

"Chris... make sure she knows you're okay."

"Yeah, I will."

I stomped into the kitchen and tore a scrap piece of paper. In short jagged handwriting, I write: _Gone for a few months fishing. Talk to Bob._

I filled Buddy's dish with food and gave him a belly rub. Then I'm out the door. I don't dare look back.

xxx

Nanaimo's airport bar is a dingy hole in the wall. I'd been there now for three hours, nursing the same tumbler of Brandy. I had selected a corner where I could watch the door, as a part of me expected Sarah to come in. So I sat there waiting...

I must've dozed for a couple minutes because the next time I blink, there is a new woman at the bar. I can only see her side profile but her shoulders are hunched on her slim frame and she seemed exhausted. She picked up her glass, lifting it as if to toast someone, and downs the drink. Her shoulders shook for a moment, and I can't help but feel her sadness.

 _I have a feeling..._

I sip my Brandy. I thought this was my drink, but it doesn't feel quite right. When I look back up, she is already on her way out the door. I see a streak of her pale green eyes.

 _If you wait, it'll pass..._

Suddenly I have to get up. I have to go to her. I don't know why... I bolted from the table and followed her out the door... But she's gone. I stood there in the empty corridor. Alone again.

I breathed a shuddering sigh, and the lingering scent of some kind of flower filled my nostrils.

 _Lavender..._

Lavender.

I turn back to the bar and approach the bartender. "Do you know that woman?"

He shook his head. "Never seen her before... seemed pretty sad."

"What did she order?"

"Double scotch, single malt."

"I'll have one of those." He poured the drink and I took a sip. It felt right. For the first time... for the first time... Something felt right.

 _I'm just a girl in a bar._

 _I'm just a guy in a bar._

 **A/N** So... A nice long chapter for you... I don't know anything about boats so I kinda winged it. Also I may have confused my tenses a little in this chapter, oops. Yeah I know- he just missed her! Dammit! Stay tuned for more Derek revelations, but next chapter we will see how Meredith and family dealt with the tsunami.

Please review!


	13. That's Me, Trying

**A/N:** Wow! Thank You for your wonderful reviews! It truly helps motivate me to keep going through this. Thanks to my followers who loyally read every update!

These next two chapters are a year in the life of Meredith, right after the tsunami... I hoped to write it in only one chapter, but it was turning our really long and I still had a lot of material.

 **Therefore, this is part 1, part 2 will be up end of the day on Sunday.**

I am writing this in a sort of flashbacky way as I think that this will best illustrate Meredith's struggle. I hope that it is not confusing... I will make sure to mark POV and Times accordingly.

This is a year after the tsunami and the Begining POV is an OC named Sonny...

 **Disclaimer:** I Own nothing.

 **Sonny**

 **North Cove BC, June 16 2029**

North Cove BC was once a thriving fishing town. A year ago a seventy-foot wave changed all that. When it crashed into the town, it wiped nearly everything off the map. Only three main institutions remained; the church on the hill, the bar beside the church, and the fishery. While the church and the bar remained in relatively good shape, the fishery still sustained damage.

The people who survived the tsunami (most were evacuated before it hit) suffered the loss of their homes and livlihoods in the blink of an eye. Still, the toughest of us returned... there was too much history here, we were born here, married here, had our children and our work here. The fishery was rebuilt, homes were rebuilt, and families moved back. The town was only a quarter the size it used to be. But it didn't matter. We had heart.

Today there would be a memorial at the church, but I chose not to go. It brought up too many memories. I needed to work, I would make my memorial at sea. I trudged in the early morning fog to the dock. The sky was just fading from black to light blue as the light from the sun made it's way down the curves of the earth. I was out early to preparemy nets and lines. I climbed the ladder on my thirty footer-

"Excuse me?"

I ignored it. The sun would be up soon, I needed to get an early start before the big trollers came out and hogged the currents.

"Excuse me!"

I sighed, who would be down here at this hour? I was too old for this. "What?" I growled. I saw the shape of a slight woman on the dock. Arms wrapped around her thin jacket.

"I need a ride."

I lifted my lantern to get a better look at her. She was a city girl for sure, tan leather boots with a heel, fitted jeans, and a dark felt jacket and scarf. I scoffed. "Lady, I'm a fisherman- I don't do rides. Go to Port Sound, ask for Johnny."

"No, you'll give me a ride... please?"

"It's five in the morning, I gotta make a living in half an hour. I don't have time."

"I'll pay you. Five hundred. That's what you make in a day right?"

Five hundred was generous, minus expenses, I would be lucky to pocket three hundred. "Five hundred?" I held the lantern out a little more scrutinizing her further.

She nodded, grey eyes glistening with unshed tears.

That's when I knew... "You lost someone that day."

xxx

 _ **Meredith June 18 2028**_

 _ **Port Hardy, BC (North east corner of Vancouver Island.)**_

 _I hadn't heard from anyone in thirty-six hours. As I made my way as close to my family as I could, I made several phone calls- had three layovers,three flights, a ferry and a bus, because my main flight had been cancelled due to the tsunami. Sleep would not come to me. I barely ate. I clung to my phone as a lifeline, thankful for the extra battery I brought._

 _It was Zola who called me- collect:_

" _Will you accept this-"_

" _Yes," I interrupted_

 _Click-_

" _Mom?" Zola's voice was a little shaky, but she was holding it together._

" _Zola!" I cried, "What happened? Are you okay? Where's your dad? Where-?_

" _Mom! Slow down."_

" _Right, sorry..." I couldn't freak out on her. I had to be strong. "Tell me what happened."_

" _Okay. Well first, I'll just tell you that Bailey and Ellis and I are okay. I hit my head, but it's fine not even a concussion."_

" _Oh okay..." They had been hurt? How close were they?_

" _Bailey broke his arm, but they put it in a cast and he's good." In the background I could hear Bailey call "Hi mom!" I rolled my eyes, but I was grateful to hear his voice._

" _Good, that's good... and El-"_

" _Ellis, um... she's okay. She dislocated her shoulder, and she had a cut in her hand. She's really kind of in shock about the whole thing though..."_

" _Okay, okay... she's fine though, she's tough."_

" _Yeah mom, she'll be okay."_

 _There was a long pause, and I knew what was coming next. The other shoe was going to drop. Where's Derek? What happened to him?_

" _Mom..."_

" _Just say it Zola."_

" _Dad... Dad went overboard."_

 _Overboard. "You were on a boat?" They were on a boat. In a tsunami. No freakin way._

" _We went whale watching... Dad and Ellis were on the top tier, Bailey and I were inside the main cabin. The boat tipped. I guess he fell off before the boat righted itself. The wave... It hit us so fast mom, so hard, somehow we got on top of it- but dad..."_

" _Okay... Okay." Derek went overboard. "Um... Where are you guys?" Derek went overboard. I tried to banish the thought from my head. It didn't mean anything right now- they could still find him right?_

" _Um Port Hardy I think? They're housing us in a school gym."_

 _A sudden burst of relief hit me. "Zola... I'm just flying into Port Hardy now."_

" _Someone else needs to use the phone mom."_

" _Stay where you are, I'll find you."_

xxx

 **Sonny 2029**

I trundled down the ladder with my thermos and lunchbox. "We'll take my other boat. This one's for fishing."

She nodded and followed me to my personal craft. I stepped in and proffered my arm to help her inside. She stepped carefully, avoiding the junk on the floor. "Here," I gestured to the middle bench. "Sit." I reached into a cubby and pulled out a blanket. "Gonna get cold, put this on."

"Okay." She spread the blanket out over her middle and covered her legs.

"Where are we going?" I asked

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded map. "Um... the coast guard thinks this was the last known co-ordinates before the boat changed course, before the-" she sighed and shoved the map into my hands. "Um... here."

I shone the light at the map and noted the co-ordinates marked in red in the margins. I punched it into my GPS.

"I gotta make some calls lady- then we'll go." I radioed in the co-ordinates and called my guys to tell them to stay in today. As I took a sip of my coffee, I noticed the exhausted look of my passenger. I picked up my thermos and grabbed a tin cup. The black liquid steamed as it warmed the cup.

"Here." I offered the coffee.

"Thanks," she whispered, grasping the cup with two hands.

It was a silent two hour boat ride as I cut my way through the waves. Thankfully, the ocean waves were fairly calm today. As we motored through, I kept an eye on the woman for signs of seasickness, but other than a tired gaze she seemed unfazed.

We were near the spot. The sun was now completely on the horizon, it's rays blasting through the sky and reflecting in the ocean. The fog now banished, pink sky glowed in the distance. I slowed the engine down- letting her realize that we had arrived. Then I cut the engine altogether.

When the boat stopped, she jerked up. She put the empty coffee cup down and stood up from the bench. She wobbled for a moment, the boat was pitching up and down with the waves; then she carefully folded the blanket and set it on the bench. She walked unsteadily to the bow of the boat while I set up anchor.

"We're here?" She leaned on the side, hand gripping the edge. She looked at the faint peak of land far in the distance.

I reached in my pocket for my cigarettes. "Yeah." I pulled out a smoke , lit it and took a drag. We just stood there on the bow as the boat bucked up and down.

"Ever see a dead body?"

"What?" The question shocked me.

But her eyes were haunted, then she blinked and looked away. "Sorry... that was insensitive," she sighed. "I'm a doctor. I've seen a lot of death."

"Hm." I flicked the ashes off my smoke and glanced at her sideways.

"But they haven't found him yet. It's been a year... and-"

xxx

 _ **Meredith, June 24 2028 Port Hardy**_

 _Cold air caused my skin to prickle and twinge even under the turtleneck sweater I wore. Cold air, because it was a cold place. Cold. Sterile. Lifeless. The morgue._

" _Mrs. Shepherd?" Blue light cast a pallor on the man. My gut twisted. I rubbed my bicep and pushed through the double doors._

 _I should be used to this. Toe tags. draped bodies on metal slabs. Artificially controlled temperature. Stale air. But not today. It smelled different. Salty maybe. The ME wore different colored scrubs. There were too many bodies in this room. More than there should be. I was led to one body in particular. One that apparently matched the description of the picture I had given search and rescue just a few days before. I stared ahead, just past the his shoulder, my vision blurred in and out of focus._

" _Are you ready?" he gripped the edge of the drape with old dry hands._

 _How could I be ready to see the face of my dead husband? His face likely swollen and gorged with seawater? "No," I said. "But go ahead."_

 _While I stared at an imaginary spot on the wall, he pulled the drape down slowly, folding the crisp sheet onto the body's chest. The imaginary spot on the wall shifted as my gaze traveled down to the clock, the ME's cap, his ugly gray mustache, his clasped hands. My gaze shifted now to the chest, shoulders, neck and chin. Then I zoomed out like a camera lens, and I saw the man's face._

 _I whimpered. "It's... that's not my husband."_

 _I spun from the table. Rubber sneakers squeaked on linoleum floors. I burst out of the room of death. In the middle of the busy hallway, my choked sobs turned into dry heaves._

 _xxx_

" _Mom!" Zola called. I walked numbly through the crowded gym in the direction of her voice. As I did, I schooled my features into a neutral calm expression. The kids were okay. I was okay. It was okay. Right? I didn't find my husband dead on a metal slab. Neurogod Derek Shepherd was still out there... That was good right?_

" _Mom!" Zola called again, jerking me out of my mental ramblings._

" _Hey guys," I pulled them in for a hug, burying my face in Bailey's curls. I hadn't told them that I had gone to the morgue... I just said that I had to talk to some people about Derek._

" _Did they find him?" Ellis asked._

" _No honey," I cupped her cheeks and brought her in for a tight hug. "They're still looking."_

" _How long will it take?" She asked. "What if they don't find him?"_

" _I don't know..."_

 _Every day Ellis asked me these questions and I had no answers for her. It was killing me.I couldn't tell her that some of the rescuers were leaning towards turning this into a recovery mission. I couldn't tell her that inclement weather hampered the use of their one helicopter and it had been forced to turn around twice. I couldn't tell her that resources were being pulled further south where there was far more casualties and damage._

" _How come you don't know?"_

 _Why? Why did she keep doing this? "Ellis..."_

" _You think he's dead?"_

 _Honestly the thought crossed my mind more times than I'd like to admit. I was the skeptical one. The realist. I hated to admit it, but I almost wished that body today was him... because then I would **know.** No uncertainty. No fragile hope. No 'I don't knows..."_

" _I don't think he's dead, honey..." Despite my realism, I still held out hope. I did. I As a doctor, you hope for the best, but you have to prepare for the worst. I sat beside my youngest. "He's out there, there's a lot of people looking for him okay? Let's not get ahead of ourselves." I adjusted her shoulder sling and smoothed out her wrinkled shirt._

" _He has to be alive, Mom. He has to be."_

 _I couldn't say anything else, so I just settled for rubbing her back._

" _Mom, when can we go home?" Bailey asked._

 _I sighed, another 'I don't know.'_

 _My phone buzzed. It was the third time in an hour. I pulled away from the table for a moment._

" _What?" I answered, not bothering with a hello. I knew who it was and frankly I wasn't in the mood to talk to her. I just wanted her to stop calling._

" _Was it him?" The voice was shaky and worried._

 _I ran my fingers through my hair. "No."_

" _Are you sure?"_

" _Of course I'm sure Amelia," I snapped. "I think I know what my husband looks like."_

" _Sorry-I'm sorry," she quickly apologized._

" _Sorry for snapping," I huffed. I was tired. I was so tired of answering questions. I rubbed my forehead. "I'm trying. I called search and rescue, and several hospitals and the coast guard, and the police- It's just- it's chaos here- nobody knows what the hell they're doing, and the power keeps going out, and the internet- I can't send pictures half the time._ _Everyone tells me the same thing: They'll keep looking, but Derek is one in a thousand." I walked further away from the table and rubbed my forehead._

" _I want to come and help, Mer, but there's so much happening down here- sending us trauma's from LA and San Diego all the time."_

 _I shook my head. "I know you want to help Amelia- but you'd just be like me- pacing and worrying and looking at dead bodies. You should stay there. If I need you, I'll call."_

" _I know."_

" _I should've been there Amy."_

xxx

 **Sonny June 16 2029**

"They never found his body..." Her shoulders shook, her fingers were white from gripping the rail. Grief racked her small form. Shit,I thought. I patted my jacket for the familiar shape of my flask in my inside pocket. I had no words of comfort for this woman, but she crossed her arms, not seeming to want comfort. She sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes. "Sorry, I um...I didn't expect that." She exhaled, her cheeks puffing out. "What about you? Where were you when it happened?"

I sized her up. She seemed genuinely interested, though I suspected it was an attempt to turn the focus off herself. I took another drag of my cigarette and blew the smoke behind me where the wind wouldn't blow it into her sweet face. I nodded out to the open ocean. "Out there... didn't even know it was happening."

"H-how?" She asked with disbelief.

I sighed. "Wave like that- you don't notice until it gets close to the coast. When the water gets shallow, it forces the wave up."

"Oh."

"We got a warning from the coast guard- and then after it was over, we headed back- whole town was... gone." I reached inside my jacket and pulled out my flask. "My house, my boats, my dog." Now I took a sip, the whisky burning my throat but warming my stomach.

"That's awful." She said, shaking her head.

"Mm."

"I should've been there."

"Oh?"

"I was on some stupid book promotion. I chose my career over my family. I swore I wouldn't do that. But I do this one thing- this stupid tv show- and a freakin' tsunami hits. Karma. I should have been there. I could have done something... I could've..." She stopped and gazed blankly out at the waves.

xxx

 _ **Meredith-Seattle July 20, 2028**_

" _Ellis," I called, poking my head into her room. "I made lasagna."_

 _Ellis didn't move from under her covers. "I want dad. Did you find him yet?"_

 _I walked into the room and sat on the corner of the bed. "I haven't heard anything today."_

" _I want dad," she whined._

" _I know. I want him too. But you need to eat." I pleaded._

" _Not hungry."_

 _I rubbed my nose and tried to calm myself. I will not freak out, I will not freak out... "El, you've hardly eaten in three days, I'm worried. Please eat something, I don't care what it is. You can have anything."_

" _I'm not eating anything until you find dad." Ellis was launching her verbal knives at me now._

" _Ellis... don't be like that."_

" _Why not?"_

" _Where is this coming from?"_

" _You told uncle Alex that you couldn't do it anymore... I heard you." Another knife._

" _El, I haven't given up... Alex is my friend, I was sharing my feelings with him..." I miss your Dad just as much as you... I just needed to talk to Alex to get his support."_

" _No. You gave up. So I'm not eating until you find him. I'm gonna make you find him."_

 _The knife twisted in my heart and suddenly the filter between my brain and mouth shut down._

" _Ellis, I swear to god, if you don't eat I will feed you with a NG tube!" Crap. Did I just say that?_

" _Go away Mom! I don't want you and your stupid lasagna!" The blanket covered lump in the bed was suddenly squirming out of the covers and launching at me with fists and feet. "I want dad! So get your face out of my room!" Ellis screamed._

 _I stepped back and forced myself out of the room before I said or did something I'd regret. Leaning against the door I swallowed and clutched my chest. Heartache. I just needed to hold it together. Just hold it together Meredith. My phone and my red notebook were on the hall table. I picked them up. I could make a few more calls today I supposed._

" _Mom," Zola said._

" _What!" I snapped. Zola flinched. Crap. "Sorry Zola."_

" _Ellis still not eating?"_

 _I shook my head. "I don't know how to help her. I think she needs a therapist."_

" _Mom..." Zola said again._

" _Where's Bailey?" I asked. I was so grateful for Zola, she kept a good eye on everybody for me._

 _Zola rolled her eyes, "In his room playing his video games."_

" _Did he even go to bed last night?" I sighed._

 _She shrugged in reply._

 _I stood at the door to Bailey's room and bit my lip. His curly blonde hair stuck out everywhere. I wasn't sure when he last brushed it. I took a hesitant step. "Bails?"_

 _No answer, just the clicking of buttons and soft grunts as he controlled his virtual character in some sort of adventure game. The mattress gave way to my weight as I sat beside him, "Bailey," I put a hand on his knee. "Bailey, lunch is ready."_

 _He ignored me. I put my hand over his controller, pushing it down a little. He scooted away from me to sit further down the bed. "Please..." I begged. He continued pressing buttons and gritted his teeth. I sighed heavily. "I made lasagna. You guys love lasagna. Can you just pause it?" His gaze dropped for a minute as he seemed to consider it. He sighed deeply, but then turned his attention back to his game._

" _Bailey!" I put my hand on his shoulder. If he could just do this one thing... I wanted a regular meal with my family... Just for today. I needed company. I needed my kids. He jerked away, and I couldn't bear it any longer. I left the room. Do not cry. Just hold it together Meredith. Hold it together._

 _Zola was still in the hall. "Zola, come have supper with me," I said as I walked past her._

" _Umm... I can't," she said. "Mr. Jacobsen is here from youth group, we're going downtown to help with the clean-up." Zola spoke slowly and softly, like I might blow. "I told you this morning."_

 _I'd forgotten. She'd been so excited about it the last couple days. She was like me. She needed to do something. I had to let her do this... she had been my rock the last couple weeks and she needed to spend time away. "Right, Zola, you should go... I'll save you some leftovers." I smiled quickly._

" _Mom, are you okay?"_

" _No," I blurted. Lying to Zola was pointless, "But I will be... don't worry about me Zo. You need this... you go."_

" _Okay." She said._

 _I stood in the kitchen and stared at the meal I spent the morning preparing. I'd been hungry for the first time in days. And I had energy. Contrary to what Ellis heard, I wasn't giving up on Derek, I was just tired. Alex gave me his usual encouraging pep talk. I resolved to try harder, and I knew the kids needed to see me taking care of things, taking charge. Making lunch was the perfect idea. I thought._

 _The door clicked shut as Zola left and I heard Mr. Jacobsen's minivan rev up and drive away. I wanted her to stay, and she wouldn't have minded. But she needed space from us, I knew. I stared at the lasagna. I wasn't hungry anymore._

 _I picked up my phone and red notebook. I just called these numbers last night. But I would call again. I could do that. I opened the door to the den and strode in. I would take out my feelings on the poor people who happened to answer my phone calls. I fumbled for the lightswitch, suddenly, my foot caught on something large and I tripped. I fell hard, my phone and notebook clattered on the hardwood as my arms splayed to catch my fall. "Ow!" I cried out. "Ow." I pushed myself up from the floor and turned to see what I had tripped over. A large white box. My books. A shipment of my newly published books, they arrived this morning, and Bailey had plunked them in here._

 _Suddenly it just boiled up inside me. Rejection. Blame. Helplessness. Anger. Everything. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I ripped open the box. This was it. This was the source. I wasn't there. I grabbed the books. I was doing a stupid interview with some perky morning show host. For what? A few seconds of fame?_

 _I tried to rip a book in half but failed miserably so I settled for ripping pages out. Then I stabbed another one with scissors. I turned to my desk. I still had file folders of research notes piled high. I pushed them off my desk. "Stupid research!" I shouted. I pushed over the swanky leather desk chair that Derek bought for me when I started my project. "Stupid Derek!" For not fighting harder to get me to come with them._

" _I'm so stupid!" I yelled, throwing another book across the den. **Be Extraordinary Meredith.** Don't leave your family on a boat in the middle of nowhere! _

" _Mom?"_

 _I froze. "I... uh" I swallowed. My wrist ached and I clutched it. "Bailey..." I blinked rapidly and wiped my eyes. I kept staring ahead. The den was a disaster. I couldn't turn around to look at him._

" _I'm... going to go eat now," he said softly._

" _Okay," I whispered._

" _Are you coming?"_

 _My heart fluttered. "Oh. Yeah, yeah."_

 _Bailey sighed, "Okay."_

 _I waited a minute, and turned around slowly. Bailey had already left the doorway. I walked across the hall to the bathroom, splashed some water on my face and straightened out my hair. I took several deep breaths. Pull yourself together Meredith. Lunch with my son. It's good. When I got in the kitchen, Bailey was already seated munching on the garlic bread, a huge pile of lasagna on his plate. I helped myself to some salad and a portion of the pasta. We sat and ate together in awkward silence._

" _I've never seen you like that before, Mom." Bailey finally said._

" _I'm sorry." I said quickly. I fiddled with a cheese covered noodle that kept slipping off my fork._

" _It's okay. I feel like that too sometimes."_

" _Oh..." I hadn't realized..._

" _It's hard without Dad. I miss him."_

" _I'm trying-" I wanted to reassure him._

" _I know. Don't worry too much about Ellis, she's been eating Dad's Muesli in the morning. You should buy some more."_

" _Oh..." Now Bailey was the one reassuring me._

 _We didn't say much after that. I was just happy that one of us had an appetite._

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	14. You get the rest of us to move forward

**A/N:** Picking up right where I left off last chapter...

 **Sonny 2029**

I grabbed the empty coffee cup from the bench and poured a drought of whiskey, offering it to her. She accepted it sadly but didn't take a drink.

The boat rocked again, up and down. Seagulls glided and dived around us. I checked my watch, 10:30 am. But time didn't matter today. Today it was about her. I decided to give her some space, and went about tidying my boat. I picked up some tangled fishing lines and started to unravel them.

There was a whimper. A sob. A tinny 'clang'. My head snapped over to her at the noise.

"DEREK!" She called into the air. "DEREK!" She cried again. I didn't know what to do with the sudden burst of emotion from this tiny woman. She slid down against the wall, her face away from me.

"Damn." I muttered under my breath. I reached again for my flask and took a swig for courage. I stubbed out my cigarette. Was she cold? Picking up the blanket, I walked over and draped it over her. She clutched it close to her with pale fingers. She was freezing, I was sure.

She shot up, leaned over the side of the boat and threw up. I gave her a moment to compose herself before walking back over to her. I touched her shoulders lightly and guided her to the covered helmroom. I dug out my portable heater and turned it on. She sat down in a daze and wrapped the blanket more tightly around her.

Still wanting to give her space, I scribbled absently with a logbook.

"I hung on... " She said, "For my kids, they didn't want to give up. I kept trying..."

xxx

 _ **Meredith. Seattle. August 25 2029**_

" _A DNA sample?" I asked over the phone. "Wait- what do you mean?"_

" _We've found several bodies that have washed up on shore, unfortunately they are not easy to identify." The soft voice of Karen Rhodes, one of the investigators for missing persons, was becoming very irritating._

" _I... Are you saying what I think you're saying?" I croaked out._

" _I just said it Dr. Grey. It's been over two months now. We have long stopped looking for survivors..."_

" _But we don't know that... he could be trapped somewhere- on an island or something."_

" _At this point, Dr. Grey, we're presuming him dead."_

 _Dead. Presumed dead. She had to say that with such finality. Like I was talking to a customer service agent: 'I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do for you... please accept this token credit for your trouble' Why?_

" _Please, Dr. Grey, just do this, it may help with closure."_

" _I don't need closure Karen, I need my husband!"_

" _Well, I'll send you an email with instructions to provide a sample of Derek's DNA, and when you're ready-"_

 _I swore and hung up the phone. Dropping it on the table, I sighed and planted my head on my desk.I heard a noise, Bailey darted past the door of my office. What was he doing here? How much had he heard.?_

 _xxx_

 _ **Meredith November 2028.**_

 _I was in the trailer. It was the only place I could go when I made these calls. I pulled out my red note book and flipped to the last page. I had a list of names and numbers and other details of people I had contacted throughout my search. I ran my finger to the first number to call and began dialing:_

" _Hello, this is Meredith Grey... Yes I know, I spoke to you the day before last, um, any news?_

" _Hello My name is Meredith Grey, any patients under Shepherd, D?... Any John Doe's in their early sixties?_

" _Hello? Yes, I'll hold, I was wondering if you still had any patients from the tsunami? Hello? Hello?_

" _...Can I leave you my number? Just in case?_

" _Hello, this is Meredith Grey, I'm calling about um... file number 230197? Derek Shepherd? Any new leads?_

" _Hello, this is Meredith Grey calling for Constable Burns... we met in Vancouver- could you please call me back..._

" _That's okay... Thanks anyways."_

 _xxx_

 _ **Meredith January 2029**_

" _I can't believe you!" I screamed at Amelia as we marched through the doors of the surgical wing._

" _What?" She asked, oblivious to my anger._

" _You sent Karen the DNA sample?" Karen called me and left a message, confirming that they had recieved the sample and were testing it against some of the remains. We stopped in the hallway._

" _Did you get any results back yet?" Amelia looked hopeful. How could she be hopeful?_

" _That's not what I'm talking about!"_

" _Mer, don't you want to know if Derek is one of the corpses at the bottom of the sea? **I do!** I'm tired, I'm tired of phone calls, and meetings, and waiting. I'm tired of being put on hold and giving a description. I'm tired of refering to him as John Freakin Doe! Aren't you tired?"_

" _I am...but-"_

" _Meredith... you know what they do with unidentified remains? They hold them for a week. Then they bury them in a pine box in an unmarked grave at some public graveyard. I don't want that... If they find Derek- if he's dead... at least we can take him home."_

 _I sighed and rubbed my forehead. I couldn't fault Amelia for doing what she did, I really should have done it long ago... but I couldn't, it made everything final. "I'm so messed up, Amelia. Half of me wishes that they find out he's dead. Because then I would be relieved. I wouldn't have to worry. I wouldn't have to think about it. I wouldn't have to call people anymore."_

" _And the other half?"_

" _The other half dreams that he'll just show up one day at my door, scoop me in his arms and kiss me until I'm breathless. If he's dead, I lose that dream and my kids will hate me. But if I keep hoping he's alive out there somewhere then I can still dream that dream, and maybe be a hero to my kids instead of the screwed up mother."_

" _But Meredith, how long can you do that for?"_

 _The million dollar question, wasn't it? "I don't know."_

xxx

 **Sonny 2029**

Her thousand yard stare came back to me, and she sighed deeply.

"Hungry?" I asked. I reached for my tin lunchbox and popped it open. I had my jumbo club sub and an apple. I offered her half of the sub. Her eyebrows raised at the size of it, then she took it with a smile and bit into it. Her fingers rubbed the rough wood of the counter and then traced the edges of a photo I had tacked in a corner. "Who's that?" she asked, her mouth full of food.

I pulled the photo out. It was me, my brother and a five hundred pound tuna we caught several years ago. "That's my brother Jay."

"Yeah?" She smiled a half smile. "That's a big freakin fish."

"Bluefin Tuna. Good money with that sucker."

"Really? For tuna?"

I shrugged and took a swig from the flask.

"You and Jay work together?"

"Not anymore..."

"You guys have a fight or something? I was never very good with siblings."

I smiled sadly. I could tell her this, she'd poured her heart out on this boat already, I could give her a piece. "He...uh he died."

Her expression filled with regret. "Oh..."

"He was on a crab fishing boat, there was a storm. His line snapped and he was pushed overboard... never saw him again." I studied her carefully.

She swallowed and put the sandwhich down. "He's gone... Derek's gone isn't he? On the bottom of the ocean floor?"

She sounded so full of despair... I had to say something. "Look, you did everything you could right? At some point you have to live... But that doesn't mean you give up hope."

"It's just... I can't lose them. I can't lose them."

xxx

 _ **Meredith May 20 2029**_

" _Hey Zola, I'll be home late- I've got an emergency liver transplant. You can use my card and order pizza."_

" _Mom, that's the third time this week."_

" _Well chinese then."_

" _Ellis hates chinese."_

 _I don't know my kids anymore. These last few months I could just feel them slipping away... Zola was in college now and signed up for every extra-curricular activity... Volleyball, student body vice president, she poured herself into her studies. And I knew it was because she was just like me and surgery. She had to keep busy so she wouldn't have to think. Because thinking led to feeling... and feeling? Feeling hurt._

" _I think there's some hamburger in the freezer," I said, trying to remember what we had left._

" _There's no food- you haven't gone shopping all week." And there it was... the resentment. I had let her be my rock when I was supposed to be the rock. Argh._

" _Well, you're an adult," I snapped. "You and Ellis will have to figure it out. And make sure Bailey gets home by nine- he has football practice tomorrow morning, and you know he sleeps like a rock."_

" _Mom, I'm not in charge-"_

 _My pager beeped 911, my transplant patient was coding._

" _I gotta go."_

 _xxx_

 _The OR was my safe place. In the OR, my hands worked miracles. Things were clear. Cut this, suture that. The patient lived or died. People listened to my orders. On good days, I'd get a moment where my heart and mind were free of worry or blame or regret. On really good days, I sensed Derek with me, like old times._

 _Today was not one of those days._

" _BP is dropping."_

" _Hang another litre of blood," I said, as I frantically looked into the cavity for the source of the bleed. "There you are. Clamp." I applied the scissor like device to the bleeding vessel. "Three-oh silk." The instrument was slapped into my hand and I worked quickly to sew up the bleed._

" _Grey."_

" _Kinda in the middle of something," I called out. I was too focused on the liver in front of me. I had three more veins to attach it to._

" _ **Grey.** " Dr. Bailey spoke louder. I didn't like her tone, something was wrong. A bad feeling lingered in my heart._

" _What is it?"_

" _How much longer will you be?"_

 _I surveyed my work, my feet ached, my back was sore... "Four hours?" I really only just started, and this patient wasn't in the best of shape._

" _Okay, I'm gonna scrub in."_

" _What? No, it's fine, I'm right on schedule." What was she doing? This was my patient, my OR._

" _I'm scrubbing in Grey, and I'll tell you why in a minute."_

 _I threw her a sharp glare. What was going on? I focused back on my patient until I felt her presence beside me. "Finish that stitch, and then I'll take over."_

" _Dr. Bailey..." I finished the stich, snipping the end of the silk._

" _You're wanted in trauma. Your son was in an accident."_

 _I nearly dropped my instruments into the patient's body cavity. My mask suddenly seemed too hot and heavy for my face and I ripped it off. Miranda raised her eyebrows at me. "Go," she said._

 _xxx_

 _Dr. Kepner was stiching up a gash in Bailey's forehead while he rested. His head was in a neckbrace and his leg in traction. "He's fine," she said quickly upon seeing frantic entrance into the OR._

" _Hey mom," he said._

 _I looked him up and down while April gave me a rundown of his injuries... whiplash, mild concussion, dislocated knee. Otherwise he was fine. No internal injuries... He was fine. He was alive. Everything was fine right? But it was almost midnight... "What happened?" I asked, trying to keep calm._

 _Bailey seemed to be the most normal... but teenage hormones and no father led to rash decisions. His grades were dropping. He got into a fight last week in school, and his new friends were sketchy. He was old enough to be a little more independant, and that scared me._

" _It's nothing... Cory and I went for a drive... I hit a pole."_

" _You went for a drive." I repeated, processing the situation._

" _Yes."_

" _With Cory." I swallowed my fear. Bailey was fine. The injuries were minor. There was nothing to worry about right now._

" _Yes."_

" _Who's Cory?"_

 _Bailey shrugged. "Just a guy from school."_

 _He sounded so flippant about it, like the whole thing wasn't a big deal. But it was, he had to get that right? "You realize you're still a learner right? You're not supposed to be driving without proper supervision, does Cory have a full license?"_

" _I don't know. Hey... wait how is he? Is he okay?"_

 _I looked at April, suddenly concerned. What about this Cory guy? She bit her lip. "He should be fine," she said, "But Alex had to take him up for surgery."_

 _I wanted to trusted April's assement, but this was surgery. Anything could happen. What if something happened? My son was responsible._

 _Just then, a police officer arrived at the bedside. He flipped his notebook open. "Uh, Bailey Shepherd?"_

" _That's me." Bailey said, swallowing nervously._

" _I'm just going to ask you a few questions... is that okay?"_

 _xxx_

 _ **Meredith Seattle May 21 2028**_

 _Of course it was raining. I stood on the porch of my old house. It wasn't mine anymore, it was Alex's, but without Derek, nothing really felt like home. At least here I could imagine it was. I pushed the wooden swing with my finger and was surprised when it gave way with a squeak. This swing was older than me. I couldn't believe it was still here._

 _I sat down and waited. I needed Alex tonight._

 _It wasn't long before I saw the headlights of his Camaro. I heard the door slam and Alex's steps as he came to the porch. He stopped when he saw me. "Mer." He sat down beside me on the swing, in the rain._

" _How was the surgery?" I asked._

 _He shrugged. "Fine, just a lung repair."_

" _That's good." I nodded. "Bailey's staying at the hospital overnight. He's okay."_

" _Are you okay?" Alex's eyebrows knitted in worry._

" _He was speeding. They're gonna charge him with careless driving." It could have been worse. They had let him off easy._

 _Alex winced. "Ooh."_

" _Zola was supposed to pick him up- but they had a fight and she told him to get his own ride home."_

" _Crap."_

" _Stupid teenage hormones." I wrapped my arms around myself and rubbed my forehead. "I'm so tired Alex..." I felt his arm around my shoulder and I leaned into him._

" _Still sleeping on the couch? That must be killing your back."_

" _Not that kind of tired..."_

" _Mer, you've done more than most people have. I mean, you've spent every spare moment on the phone or flying to Canada to hunt down some clue. You tried."_

" _I can't just give up..."_

" _It's not giving up Mer, it's moving forward."_

 _I swallowed, thinking about his words. Thinking about the last few months, arguing, avoiding, nitpicking pushing, pulling, fighting. Feeling resented, feeling resentful. There was no healing in my home, there was no peace. Moving forward... what did that mean?_

" _I don't know how to." I thought about my kids...could they accept me letting go of Derek? Putting the phone down? Burying the red notebook? Ellis refused to have anything to do with me if she had the choice. She hardly spoke a word to me. We tried counseling and therapy, but she was stubborn, and never spoke during the sessions. I walked on eggshells around her, afraid of saying something that would start world war three. She blamed me... I knew that, but at the same time she didn't seem to know or care about all the efforts I made in the last year. Honestly, if I had a choice between a surgery and spending the day with my daughter... I would choose surgery._

" _They need **you** Mer, Derek's not here. You can't hide in surgery or in the trailer making phonecalls to missing persons. You can't expect Zola to take care of everything and for Bailey to figure it out for himself. And maybe Ellis blames you, but she needs to see how much you care about her. Trying to find Derek isn't going to fix this."_

" _I'm a horrible mother." I blurted._

 _Alex put a hand on my knee. "No, you're grieving."_

 _I tucked my hair behind my ear and stared out at lights of the city. "He's gone... he's really gone."_

" _Maybe, maybe not, but you have to move forward. The kids come first."_

 _I imagined it. Putting the phone down. Locking the trailer up. I imagined sitting down with them watching corny movies like Scream 12 and throwing popcorn at the screen. When was the last time we laughed in my house? When was the last time we cried? Or talked? We didn't even have our usual New Years bash this year. I sniffed. Damn._

" _You think it will work?" I asked._

" _Can't hurt," Alex shrugged._

xxx

 **Sonny 2029**

"Do you think you're brother is still out there?"

I took a bite of my sandwich and shook my head. "He's gone- sea took him. Maybe the first day or two I thought we could find him, but that was wishful thinking."

"I want to believe he's out there- but my kids, I have to move on..."

"Moving on doesn't mean giving up. You have to live too."

"That's why I came here. This was the last place he was. The last place the kids saw him. He was happy- so excited for them. They're growing up so fast."

I nodded. She was coming to say goodbye, although I don't think she would say it out loud. I let her eat in peace and we stayed in comfortable silence. I left the helmroom and started some busywork. I pulled out my rods and untangled lines. I sorted my fishing gear and folded some nets. I looked up when I heard her cough. She stood outside the helmroom, fingering one of the fishing rods.

"Derek fished," she said.

"Yeah? You know how?"

She shrugged. "A little. I never paid much attention, I always found it boring... but now? Maybe I can give it another shot?"

I picked up the rod, gave the line a little slack and tied on a large shiny lure. "Sit here," I said, pushing her gently onto the bench. "Hold this." I handed her the rod. She nodded, an odd excited smile on her lips.

I pulled up anchor and then grabbed my own rod. "Do what I do," I said, and demonstrated a simple cast. She copied me awkwardly, but managed to get the line out a good distance. I started the engine and we trolled for awhile. The sun was now hanging lower in the horizon, it was late afternoon. We had fished now for a couple hours, niether of us catching anything, but it was enjoyable.

As I was reeling in my line, I heard a strange noise. She was laughing. Well sort of. It was a sob and a giggle combined. "You okay?" I asked.

"I'm sorry," she wiped her tears, then giggled and covered her mouth. "It's not funny, but-" another giggle. She shook her head. "I'm on a tiny boat a thousand miles from home... grieving my long lost lover." She snorted. "I'm not even drunk. It's weird. It's like scenes from a made for TV movie."

"Well, I only have one answer for that." I grabbed the tin cup that fell earlier, poured a shot in and handed it to her. I lifted my flask. "To long lost lovers. May they never leave us."

"May they never leave us," She repeated solemly before downing her shot.

Awhile later I heard her sigh. "Well... I should get back."

"Okay," I said and turned the boat around, pointing it back to shore.

We arrived a short time later at the docks. I swung a rope over and secured my boat before exiting and reached over to help her out.

Once out she looked back out to sea for a moment then turned to face me. "Um, I never did get your name."

"Oh," I said, I held out my hand, "Sonny."

"Sonny," she said, "Meredith."

"Meredith." Her hand, which was once cold and clammy, was warm and dry.

"Thanks for today. It was... I don't know what it was. I think it was good."

"No problem."

She reached into the pocket of her jacket and pulled out a thick envelope. "Um, there's five hundred..."

The money. I had completely forgotten about it. I felt sick that she was even offering it. I waved the envelope away. "No... I couldn't. Please keep it."

She turned the envelope over in her hands, a questioning look in her eyes. But she saw my resolve and slipped it back into her pocket. "Okay. Will you be here next year?" She asked.

"Got no where else to be..."

"I think maybe I'll be back here next year."

"Okay Meredith. Same time, same place next year. I'll pack a lunch for two."

"I'll bring scotch. It's the only way I can get through a day of fishing." She smiled slightly.

"Alright." I smiled back.

"Alright," she said.

I didn't know at the time that I would see her again every year, for the next nine years.

 **A/N:** Whew! That was a lot! If you were crying reading this (especially the first part) You should know I cried writing it. Meredith has some work to do in coming chapters in stitching her family together and that will be interesting... because I have no clue how she will do it!

Thanks again for your wonderful comments- made it the many hours writing worth it!


	15. Who's Ellis?

**A/N:** Wow! Thanks so much for the awesome response on the last two chapters! I am just trying to write ahead a little to plan and pace out my ideas... We are still in the middle (I hate middles...) But every chapter will push forward, and trust me, it will be worth it! Thanks for your comments and feedback, it helps me be a better writer...

Anyway onward...

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own the Greys characters, I don't make any money off of this story...

 **September 2029**

 **Somewhere in the North Pacific**

 **Derek**

Despite being on the seas for almost three months, I still wasn't used to the rocking. Especially in fifteen-foot swells. Nausea rose and fell with the waves as I examined the two cards of my poker hand. An eight of diamonds and ace of spades. On the table was an eight of clubs and a Jack of hearts. The last card, _the river_ had yet to be played.

"Well hurry up 'Fast Hands'," Mark urged.

Fast Hands was my nickname aboard ship. Something else I discovered about myself, while I wasn't the most physically fit- (I was ancient according to most fisherman standards) My hands were fast and my fingers nimble. I threw bowline knots at record speeds. Need a net mended ASAP? Give it to me, I'll have it done before you notice it's gone. Need a fast throw to grab your gillnet? That was me. So I quickly gained the guys respect, and my nickname changed from 'Old Codger' to 'Fast Hands'. Something I was oddly proud of.

The boat hit a large swell and we all tilted to one side, and then the other. The guys around me seemed to take on a new shade of gray, no doubt hiding the nausea. It made poker hard to play, everyone had the same expression, who could be bluffing? I didn't know. Mark was the most stoic. As the lead hand, he had the most experience and was closest to me in age except for the Captain, Darcy up on the bridge, piloting us to our last net. Mark frowned, his tanned and weathered face clearly focused on not throwing up all over the cabin.

Jeff, the youngest, actually looked calm, though I suspected it was due to the joint he smoked half an hour ago. He was spaced out. He shuffled the two cards in his hands, alternating glances from the cards to the wall to the cards again. Steve, who was now in his third fishing season, cleared his throat and swallowed. He stared straight at me. He was bluffing.

"Call," I said weakly as my stomach flipped. Pushed ten bucks into the pot.

"Damn," Jeff said, folding his cards.

Mark and Steve looked at each other.

"I'll call," Mark said, throwing his ten in. "And raise five." Five more bucks in the pot.

Damn.

Steve rubbed his eyebrow, one of his tells. "Call," he said, and piled cash into the pot. Seeing that, I knew I had him. Mark remained inscrutible, But I didn't like to lose or give up, so I hoped to outplay him. "Raise," another ten bucks went into the pot.

The ship rocked violently, knocking things around in the galley but none of us moved. Jeff chuckled, he was just a spectator now.

Mark and Steve met my bet. Damn, I was hoping Mark would fold, he was on his last twenty bucks- but I guess that meant he had nothing to lose. Steve however, looked scared.

Jeff turned over the last card, Queen of diamonds. Steve groaned and flopped his cards on the table. He had a four of clubs and a seven of hearts. In other words, nothing. Grinning devilishly, Mark slammed his cards face up. "Haha! The pot is mine!"

"Aw man," I sighed in defeat, flicking my cards into the middle. My pair didn't match up to his eight to queen straight.

"Another one?" Mark asked. He was like a puppy playing fetch.

"No," the rest of us groaned.

Mark pocketed the cash. "Alright, but we should try and get a couple hours of sleep in before we hit our last line."

We crawled into our bunks, and immediately the nausea went away. Once you went horizontal, it usually disappeared.

Jeff and Steve fell asleep almost instantly, but I was still wandering in my thoughts. I lay in my bunk, my hands clasped under my head.

"Chris," Mark said.

"Mm."

"What're you gonna do next?"

"What do you mean?"

"Season's ending. Are you gonna get on another ship-or? I mean, this job is brutal. I'm almost on my last legs and you're- well I'm suprised you made it this far."

"Are you calling me old?"

"Just asking, I mean are you gonna work things out with her?"

"I'm not talking about her anymore, Mark."

"Fine, but when we land- what's next?"

"I don't know."

I got away from it all didn't I? But Mark was right. This was not for me, not really. But I was restless, not ready to confront my past, or lack thereof.

"You can talk to me, Chris, you know that right?"

 _You're like the worst, most juvenile human being I've ever met in my life._

 _You know the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem?_

Mark seemed to be a good friend and I wanted to trust him. "I know," I said. I turned on my side in my bunk and let myself drift asleep.

 _Falling, crashing... I hit the water hard. Tumbling and rolling, gasping for air- pulled under again... then I'm lifted, pushed up, saved. I breathed face is Angelic- green grey eyes stony yet vulnerable. Blonde hair past her shoulders, but it's murky, in and out of focus, muddled. I fall back in the water again, and I'm diving, reaching, but coming up with nothing. Failing._

 _So what was I to you? The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?_

"C'mon Codger, we're here." Mark grumbled.

"Uhh..." I rolled out of the bunk. My back twinged. My limbs ache. You'd never be able to sit up in these things. Fresh wool socks covered my calloused soles. Geared up with my waterproof coveralls, I scrambled to the deck. This was our last line. Pull in this net and we were done for this season.

On deck, Jeff and Steve waited by the winch. I pulled my hood up, It was starting to rain. Mark took position with the grapple and I stood next to the lever that would pull in the net. I shot a glance at the bridge to our captain Darcy, silhoutted by the dim light inside and the glow of a cigarette. He nodded and I waved. The boat plummeted off the crest of a wave and rose again. My hands gripped the rail and Mark readied the hook to pull in the buoy for our gillnet.

It was like trying to spear a jumping fish while you're on a bungee cord, but Mark was good at his job, and hooked it on the first try. Steve and Jeff hauled in the line and thread it on the winch, I hit the lever. the boat crashed up and down and rocked side to side, but we reeled the line in for the gillnet.

"Let's go, let's go," Darcy called from his speaker on the bridge.

We hauled ass, Jeff and Steve picking off salmon from the gillnet, Mark played back-up, and I adjusted the speed of the winch as we hauled the line in. Blinking heavily, fatigue crept on me. Everything felt heavy. My eyes closed. The boat bounced.

I stumbled, released my hold on the lever. Under my feet, the boat shifted and I lost my balance. I stumbled back, my arms pinwheeling. I hit the ledge and tumbled overboard.

"Man overboard!" Mark cried.

Looking up, I could see the black wave above me in one terrible second. I fell back in time.

 _Looking up I stared into the face of a terrifed girl, her arm reaching for me. A thunderous roar overwhelmed my hearing._

 _Ellis! I screamed over the roar. My mouth filled with saltwater spray. She was holding onto me, I could feel the sweat on her palm._

 _Dad! Her shrill cry broke my heart. Her eyes pleaded with me._

 _Ellis- you need to-_

The water was cold. I wasn't prepared for the shock. Panic enveloped me as the waves flew over me. "Ellis?" I sputtered. Then my suit inflated, I rose up with the wave, a lifesaver ring . Wearily, my arms clutched it as I gasped for air. I was in shock. Everything was a blur. Somehow I ended up on the deck.

"Chris! Chris! Are you okay?" Concerned faces hovered over me.

I coughed and shivered, "I'm okay, I'm okay."

"Get him downstairs." Darcy ordered.

Mark picked me up and I stumbled with him down into the galley. I crashed onto the bench seat. "Strip down," Mark said, "You gotta get dry."

Numbly, I removed my many layers. A warm blanket was shoved into my arms. "I'm f-fine. I'll just change, and I'll be right back up there."

"No, stay there, we're almost done anyway."

"Uhh," I mumbled, suddenly feeling exhausted.

"Yep that's right, sleep it off." Mark pushed me onto the bench, and I curled up to sleep.

 _I was sitting at a wooden kitchen table. A woman sat in front of me with a red coffee mug. "So who are you?" The woman asked she handed me a steaming mug. I still couldn't see her clearly, but her voice... I heard it before._

" _I don't know." I said, . "Who are you? I feel like I know you... like I should know you."_

" _You do," She said simply, her fingers gently touched mine. "I'm your subconscious."_

" _My subconscious?" I asked, perplexed._

" _Don't sound so confused, you're smarter than that," she scolded._

" _I am?" Was I?_

 _She sighed, shaking her head."You are so brainless sometimes..." She held the mug in both hands, her lips curving slightly._

" _I didn't know my subconscious was responsible for calling me names," I said playfully._

" _Well, technically I'm you... so you're calling yourself brainless."_

" _I should stop being so critical of myself," I took another sip of my coffee. "So what are you doing here?"_

" _You're close to something... You saw something today."_

 _A flash of dark hair, blue pleading eyes... "Not something... someone. I think I have a daughter."_

" _I think you do too."_

 _I looked at the murky form, I had that feeling again, like I was reaching for something, someone, but falling short. "Where do I know you from?"_

 _She smiled faintly before fading into white._

"Chris? Chris... Wake up!"

Blinking awake, Mark's ruddy face filled my vision with odd expression, concern?

"What?" I asked weakly.

"We've docked. You okay man?"

A quick self examination of myself revealed that other than being very sore, I was okay. "Yeah, good."

"Who's Ellis?" Mark asked.

"What?"

"You kept muttering her name in your sleep."

"I think she's my daughter."

xxx

 **September 2029**

 **Seattle**

 **Ellis.**

The trampoline squeaked as I landed and flew up in the air again. Arms high in the air, I gained momentum. _Squeak!_ In the air again I twisted my upper body, my spinning gave me a view of the backyard. _Squeak!_ Another bounce. Bailey was on the deck, swearing at the barbeque It was his turn to cook dinner tonight and he wanted to use the barbeque except he didn't know how, and mom had never been allowed near the thing. I just hope nothing burned this time.

Mom's Lexus SUV pulled up in the driveway, she hopped out, smiling and waving at me. I ignored her and continued bouncing. Instead of going into the house, though, she came around to us. Her mouth opened and closed, like she wanted to say something to me, but I spun around to watch Bailey instead.

Mom walked up the steps to the deck and watched Bailey for a moment, then said something like, "Don't blow it up, okay?"

I laughed and continued bouncing and spinning, the trampoline launching me over and over. It was freeing, for a brief second high in the air, nothing weighed me down. The sky rose and fell as I allowed this fleeting moment of escape.

"The trailer has a bathroom," Mom was saying. I twisted mid-air to see her talking on the phone and sorting through papers on the counter. "Yes Cristina, I know how to start a fire, I was a bit of a pyro when I was a kid," Mom continued.

Bending my knees to absorb the spring, I stopped bouncing, curious as to the nature of the conversation. As mom sorted through the papers she pulled out a large page and raised her eyebrows in surprise, but she kept talking to Cristina. "I was talking to Owen, and I think it would be good. Derek loved camping." She kept looking at the paper in her hands, even as she rolled her eyes at Cristina's response. "Cristina, you gotta see what Ellis drew- it's pretty amazing- hang on, I'll send you a picture." She snapped a picture with her phone and tapped a few buttons. "Isn't it awesome? Considering everything going on, I'm surprised at how well she's doing in school," she sighed and looked back out the window at me.

I sighed and turned around, bouncing again on the trampoline. So I drew a picture. Whatever. it was nothing special.

"Ellis?" Mom called. I turned to face her, but remained silent. The less I spoke to mom the happier I felt. I didn't know why.

"When did you draw this?" she asked holding up the picture. I shrugged. _Squeak!_ Went the springs on the trampoline.

"Well it's really good, you're turning into quite the artist."

Whatever. It was just a project for school.

"I'm proud of you. It's going on the fridge, and don't think about taking it down."

I shrugged and kept bouncing and spinning on the tramp.

"Aha!" Bailey shouted. "I figured it out mom!"

"Great, I'll bring out the hamburgers," Mom said.

I huffed. Dad was supposed to be the one doing this stuff.

xxx

After supper, which surprisingly didn't suck, I helped with the dishes. Bailey washed while I dried. We were almost done when Bailey looked at me mischieviously. He spun the dishtowel in his hands until it twisted into a towel-whip. I giggled and backed away, doing the same thing with my towel.

"One-two-three-four, I declare a towel war!" He cried, taking on a martial arts pose. I held my towel with both hands in front of me, preparing to snap it in defence.

"Ahem." Mom interrupted, giving Bailey the LOOK. Bailey's shoulders slumped and he pouted in mock hurt. I rolled my eyes, Mom ruined all my fun. "Before you have your epic sibling battle," she continued with a pointed look at both of us. "We're going to spend the weekend out at Springside."

"What?" Bailey's jaw dropped, showing off his braces.

I laughed in my head. Bailey was such a wuss.

"You heard me, we're going to the lake. I just called Zola and told her."

"The four of us?" Asked Bailey.

"Yup."

"But mom, I have an essay due on Monday."

"Oh spare me, we both know you'll procrastinate until Monday morning anyway."

I wasn't going to tell mom that I was actually kind of excited about the whole thing, instead, I held my towel between my fingers and rolled and unrolled it.

"So we're leaving right after school tomorrow, so start packing and we will load up tonight. And Bailey, we don't need your seventeen bottles of hair product, it's the off season, there probably won't be any girls there anyway."

"Maybe not, but there might be bears."

Mom shook her head and smiled. "There won't be any bears."

"Yes there will." He picked up his phone and started tapping on it excitedly. "I'm gonna bet Sofia fifty bucks that there'll be bears."

"Whatever," Mom rolled her eyes. "I'll be in the garage packing stuff."

xxx

I dragged my duffel bag to the garage and found MomSwearing and muttering under her breath as she tugged on a box of camping gear in the middle shelf. I dropped my bag in the doorway and helped push it from the other side, finally it plopped out.

"Thanks, El." Mom panted. She saw my duffel and packed it into the SUV. "Good, you're all packed."

I nodded. I was about to leave when mom spoke.

"You probably think I'm crazy," She said as she rearranged some of the boxes."You know I hate camping. I mean, to me, it's pretty boring... but- I don't know... It's just..." She trailed off. She leaned against the car, "He was happiest when he was out there with you guys... and that made me happy. I would just see this _spark_ when we were out there, and he would be a different person, peaceful, relaxed."

"He won't be there this time," I said slowly. Even though I liked camping, I liked it because it was time spent with him mostly. Dad and I didn't find camping boring like the rest of them. How would it be without him?

"I know." Mom swallowed and stared off in space for a moment. "But maybe we can imagine he is?"

I considered that. Truthfully, sometimes I did pretend he was around. Sometimes I talked to him. It made me feel better. "Okay," I said. I turned to leave.

"El, I found something for you."

I stopped and looked back.

Mom rummaged through one of the boxes again. "Here," she handed me a simple black cap. It was dad's hat. He wore it every year when we went out fishing.

I turned it over in my hands, feeling the worn fabric and the curved brim. "Thanks."

 **A/N** Please Review! Next chapter, Camping adventures! Will there be bears?

The story will be moving along- a snapshot into important events from different perspectives... just so you know.

Also, for some Meredith, Maggie and Amelia friendship stuff- check out my one-shot **Knitting**


	16. Squirrels and Mice and Bears

**A/N:** Welcome Back! Thanks for reading and leaving your comments! Special thanks to my regular reviewers who have supported me throughout this Journey, you really have no idea how much I appreciate your thoughts!

This is inspired by my own experiences as a summer camp counselor. A little bit lighter tone here, from the drama of the last few chapters. Meredith camping without Derek... hmmm

Enjoy!

 **Seattle September 2029**

 **Ellis**

Springside was only two hour drive from Seattle which was good because any longer and I was sure mom's head would explode. Bailey's phone was constantly beeping as he snickered over messages from his friends. In the front seat, Zola recited her speech for student body president for college, and I stared out the window and turned my earphones up louder. The rule was no tech once we left the car.

Finally we arrived, mom parked the trailer and unhitched it. "Okay," she sighed as we piled out of the car, "there's only enough room for two in the trailer, so-"

"Dibs!" Zola and Bailey called, shooting their hands in the air like first graders.

"Okaaay..." Mom raised her eyebrows at me. "Looks like it's you and me in the tent. You cool with that?"

I briefly considered begging to be in the trailer with my sibs, but the thought being in the same room as those two was unbearable. At least mom would be quiet and leave me alone. So I shrugged in response.

"Good." Mom said, "Help me set up the tent?"

I nodded.

Mom gave further directions for Zola and Bailey to unpack and set up for dinner, and I reached into the car for the tent. We set it up right next to the trailer, which was parked under some tall pine trees. The tent was easy to set up, Dad knew that mom was a dunce at this stuff, so we basically just had to press a button and then pound the pegs in. Easy peasy.

Mom grabbed the cooler and a box of supplies and set it on the kitchen table. Bailey chopped some wood and Zola set up the firepit. We were going to have hotdogs and salad tonight.

The sun lowered in the horizon, and lessening sunlight only meant for brighter flames. I held my weiner stick over the fire, turning it slowly. Zola and Bailey were oddly silent for once, and the only things heard are the snap of wood and the roar of the fire.

"This is- this is nice isn't it?" Mom asked finally.

"I wish dad was here." I said simply.

"I know sweetie, I know." Mom sighed.

Zola chuckled. "Remember those corny stories he used to tell?"

A brief memory of dad holding a flashlight under his face as he told a horror story. "Oh yeah... I piped up. "BLOODY FINGERRR!" I shoved a finger in Bailey's face.

"Stick a band-aid on it!" We all said at once, laughing. The laughter faded, and I lost myself in the glow of the fire again. Dad wasn't here. He was supposed to be here, but he wasn't.

"Oh!" Bailey exclaimed. "Mom I need your keys!"

"Huh? What for?" Mom asked.

"I forgot something... please?" Bailey said with puppy dog eyes.

"No texting," Mom said, tossing him the keys.

"Yeah, yeah..." he muttered, dashing off to the car. He appeared through the blackness a moment later with a plastic bag. "Okay, chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallows."

S'mores!

"Sweet," Zola said, "I knew you had something up your sleeve," she stood up to help him.

"I know, right?" Bailey grinned.

Mom seemed very confused. "What's this stuff for?"

"You've never had s'mores?"

"S'mores?"

"Seriously? You've never had s'mores when you were a kid, mom?" I asked. I reached into the bag of marshmallows and popped one in my mouth. Mom helped herself to one too.

"No," she said, mouth full. "Guess I missed that part."

Odd feelings of sympathy erupted in me. What kind of kid didn't have s'mores? Mom never really talked about her childhood much, except that she had pink hair and wore black. I knew her mom wasn't the nicest either, all I knew about her was that she was a famous surgeon and she got sick and died before I was born.

"I'll make you one." Grabbing a marshmallow, I poked a stick through it and held it over the fire. A minute later, the marshmallow brown and toasty, I pulled it out of the fire and grabbed the graham cracker and chocolate, making an ooey gooey sandwhich with the warm melty marshmallow melting the chocolate.

Mom held it curiously in her fingers, then took a hesitant bite. "Mmm," she said. "Now I know why your father never allowed these before."

"We'd probably go hyper." Zola remarked.

Mom chuckled and finished off the s'more. "Thanks El," she said.

xxx

Curled up on my air mattress in my many blankets, my thoughts wandered. Something about what mom said today bugged me. _Guess I missed that part,_ she'd said with a shrug. I listened to mom's breathing, and knew she was still awake.

"Mom?"

"Hm."

"You never had s'mores before."

"No."

"Did you go camping when you were a kid?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Mom shuffled in her bed, turning to face me, although in the dark it was impossible to see her face, except the shiny reflection of moonlight in her eyes. "My mom was too busy, and I didn't have a dad when I was growing up."

"Oh. What did you do with her?"

"Well... if I wasn't at school, I'd wait for her at the hospital... and then, well I really didn't do much with her. She worked a lot. When I was older I was on my own most of the time."

I considered what she said and remembered this past year, mom didn't seem to be around that much. "You work a lot too."

"I know... but I changed my work schedule, so I'll be around more now. We can do stuff, would you like that?"

I wasn't sure. "Did you like your mom?" I asked instead. Mom's breath hitched, and then she sighed deeply. She didn't answer for a long time.

"I...she didn't want me, Ellis. I grew up with a mother that chose her career instead of me. So no, I didn't like her. When I was little I tried to make her like me, but it hurt too much so I stopped and tried not to care... but deep down I just wanted her to like me, be proud of me. Then she got sick and... I never really got to find out."

 _I'm proud of you- I'm putting this on the fridge._

I didn't know that. Just yesterday mom said she was proud of me. Did she mean it or was she just trying to win me back? Something in me hated her, and I didn't know why. I didn't hate her before the tsunami, now I did. And this year she hadn't been home much and we fought a lot and I fought with Zola and Bailey a lot more, and I didn't know why... did mom want me?

"Ellis..." Mom said. "Unlike my mother, I do want you. We wanted you. I know you hate me and I get that, but you have to see that I'm trying. I love you and I'm trying."

I wanted to believe her. I wasn't sure I could. "Okay." I said, and rolled over.

xxx

 _Crack! Thunk-da dunk dunk. Crack! Thunk-da dunk dunk. Crack crack!_

I moaned at the noise that woke me up and pulled a pillow over my ear. Bright sunlight burned my eyes and I blinked rapidly.

"What the hell?" Mom bolted out of bed tearing out of her sleeping bag. She cursed again as she fumbled with the zipper to the tent door flap.

 _Thunk-da dunk dunk. Thunk-da dunk dunk. Crack Crack!_

"Bailey!" Mom yelled.

Oh this was good... I had to see what was going on.

"Stupid squirrels!" Bailey shrieked

Still half in my sleeping bag, I scooted to the open door flap and peered out to see a peculiar tableau. Mom, barefoot in her pj's arms crossed, leaning slightly forward, a shocked expression on her face. "Bailey!"

Bailey stood in his boxers and a white t-shirt. His arm was back and his left foot forward, like he was a baseball pitcher. Suddenly he sprung his arm like a catapult, throwing a rock high in the trees. I followed the trajectory and suddenly realized the source of the commotion.

Squirrels. Squirrels at the top of the pine trees nibbling on hard pinecones, causing them to fall fifty feet onto the hard metal roof of the trailer. _Thunk-da dunk dunk_. Of course the 'Crack' was the noise of the rock either hitting the trees or landing on the trailer.

"Bailey!" Mom yelled again, grabbing his arm. "It's six in the freaking morning!"

"They woke me up!"

"Well you should've went to sleep earlier, you guys were talking all night, I could hear you."

Bailey shook his head, "I wasn't talking mom, _Zo_ was practicing her speech."

"Well now I'm up... and so is Ellis and now I have to pee..." She made a face and squirmed before jogging up to the trailer and flinging the door open.

"Aaah!" Zola shrieked from inside.

"Relax! Nothing I haven't seen before, now move!"

"I'd like to keep whatever dignity I have left!" Zola said defiantly.

Bailey picked up a rock and threw it at the chattering squirrel way above us.

xxx

After the squirrel incident, we settled into a relaxed morning as we lazily got ready for the day.

"What do you guys want to do today?" Mom asked, "Fishing or-?" Zola and Bailey groaned.

"I have an idea," offered Zola "We did this thing in leadership class... we could go hiking up the hill blindfolded."

"Blindfolded?" Bailey sputtered.

"Yeah. One of us is the leader, and the rest of us are blindfolded have to listen to the instructions and follow up the hill."

It sounded like a stupid idea, but I knew I'd get outvoted. I kicked some gravel.

"Who's gonna be the leader?" Bailey asked.

"Mom is!" Zola remarked, giving mom a sly look.

Mom pointed at herself, "me?"

xxx

My blindfold was itchy and stuffy. I couldn't see anything except a narrow beam of light at the bottom which didn't help.I gripped Bailey's shoulders, my palms sweaty on his cotton t-shirt. We were halfway up the hill, the trio of us making pretty good progress as mom ordered us up the hill.

"Five steps to the left," Mom called. I shuffled behind Bailey, trying hard not to step on his heels.

"Five steps up... watch out for that log."

We changed direction and shuffled again, but I forgot about the log until my boot scraped against bark. I lunged forward, losing my balance. My weight pushed Bailey down and he grunted. Zola squeaked and I heard a rustle and a thump. My blindfold slid off and I blinked in the bright light. Laughter erupted from me. I had tripped over the log, knocked Bailey down, who in turn landed on Zola. Bailey and I were untangling our limbs when Zola bolted up suddenly, shaking her hand doing a funny dance. "Ants! Ants!" She cried. "Biting ants!" She shook her wrist and hopped around, panicked.

I held back a chuckle as I watched Mom and Bailey brush Zola off, and mom examine her hand. I felt bad for her for a second, but only a second. Zola was such a boss sometimes.

xxx

At the top of the hill, we stopped. The four of us gazed at the view of the mountains over the dark blue waters of the lake below. White and grey clouds painted across the sky and the trees in the distance made up a patchwork of green and yellow as leaves started to change color. I snapped a few photos, this was Dad's favorite spot. There was a single cedar tree in the middle of the hill, and mom walked slowly toward it, leading us to the shelter of its leaves.

Mom spread out a blanket and pulled out some snacks of cheese and crackers from her bag. We sat in a semi-circle on the edges of the blanket, catching our breath from the hike.

Bailey picked at the grass while Zola scratched her ant bitten hand. I fiddled with the settings on my camera. Mom took a sip of water from her water bottle and then pulled her knees to her chest. The air was still and quiet except for a few distant bird calls.

"He's gone..." Mom said. "Derek, your father... he's gone and I don't know if we'll ever get him back." Her voice was a whisper but it shattered me. "There's nothing more I can do-"

"You're just gonna give up?" I blurted. That little ball of hate that I hid away was coming back up again.

"I... Ellis-"

"Well try harder!"

"She did El!" Bailey snapped. His grey eyes cold.

"Bailey!" Mom scolded.

"He's right mom," Zola countered. "It's time to face it."

"No!" I screamed. "How can you say that! He's not dead! I know he's not dead!" I burst up from the ground. Every ounce of anger in my body seemed to explode inside me. "I hate you! I hate you!" The scream flew from my lips and I stormed back down the hill, failing to stop the waterfall of tears flowing down my cheeks.

"Ellis!" Mom called after me, but I would not be swayed.

xxx

I flopped on the bundle of blankets on the air mattress and wiped my tears. Something hard poked my ribs, I shifted in the bed and pulled out the offending object. Dad's hat. I smelled it. It smelled like him. "You're not dead. You can't be dead." I murmured into my pillow. Weariness enveloped me and I fell asleep.

Rustling noises woke me. Bailey's blonde head poked through the door and he crawled into the tent.

"El?" He asked.

"Go away."

"You okay?"

"Fine."

"You sound like mom."

"Don't talk about mom to me."

"Why do you hate her?"

"I told you to go away!"

"What happened? Did you see him?"

The truth was I couldn't remember. I was on the boat, I was falling and then I was in the hospital. "Shut up!" I yelled.

"No! God, you're... urgh!" He clenched his fists. "Not everything is about you Ellis... She did try okay? Mom did everything she could, but you didn't notice because you're off in your own world hating her. She's a wreck, did you even notice that she sleeps on the couch?"

"She sleeps on the couch?" I asked. I hadn't noticed. How did I not notice?

"She can't sleep in that bed alone, she waits till we're asleep before she goes to bed, and she sets the alarm about an hour before we have to get up." He sighed. "We're all screwed up okay? I miss dad a lot too, but... Mom needs to get back to being mom... not the worried wife. We need her."

I swallowed thickly, considering Baileys words. I didn't know what to think about anymore. "Fine. Go away."

Bailey sat for a moment, gazing around the tent before he settled his gaze on me. Then he sighed and left.

xxx

Lost in my own world, I cast my fishing line in the water again. Dad's hat on my head was calming and comforting. I rubbed the soft fabric. I imagined he was beside me, casting too, slowly reeling in line. I imagined him talking to me, telling me funny hospital stories, or asking me what I did with my day, how was school...

My thoughts were interrupted by a 'plop' and I turned to see mom several yards away, her own fishing pole in hand, quietly reeling it in. For a second I fumed, then I met her gaze, and saw her expression was sad and lonely. I decided it would be okay if she was there for awhile.

I cast again and time escaped me, it was peaceful here, I felt I could fly away.

Suddenly my peace was interrupted by a blood curdling scream!

I nearly dropped my pole. I grabbed my bait and tacklebox and scrambled back to camp.

The scene before me was amazing. Our coolers were scattered on the ground and food wrappers were everywhere. The picnic table was overturned. Mom and Zola were half in the trailer, shocked expressions on their faces. Bailey was standing his ground with a can of hairspray against a small brown bear, who was seemingly ignoring everything except the wieners he was fishing out of the cooler.

Bailey shot me a glance and motioned that I stay still. I nodded and glanced at mom and Zola who seemed at a loss as to what to do. The bear finished with the weiners, sniffed the ground, snorted and walked away.

"Yeah! That's right, run away!" Bailey shouted after it.

After the bear ambled away, he turned to Zola. "You get a picture of that?"

"God no, I was hiding."

"Okay, El, witness!"

"Fine, witness," I grumbled rolling my eyes.

"Yes! Sofia owes me fifty bucks!"

Zola scoffed and rolled her eyes. "At our expense no less."

Mom chuckled, "Only Mcdreamy's son would fight off a bear with hairspray."

xxx

We cleaned up, knowing that we had to eliminate all traces of food to keep the bears away. When we were done, I found mom staring at the tent. I approached her and she looked at me and sighed. "Not that I'm scared... but I think we should stay in the trailer tonight."

"Yeah probably."

We gathered our stuff and piled into the trailer. Mom, Zola and I would squeeze on the bed and Bailey would sleep on the couch. We all fell asleep a little earlier, the excitement of the day drained us. Dreamland was about to fall apon me...

"Did anyone hear that?" Zola asked.

"What?" Mom mumbled.

"I heard something..."

"It's nothing, go back to sleep."

It was quiet while we settled back in to sleep, but then I heard it. Soft squeaking and rustling. "I think there's a mouse," I said.

"Crap." Mom mumbled.

"A mouse? Seriously?" asked Zola. "Squirrels and mice and bears..."

"Oh my." I said, giggling.

"Don't forget the ants," Mom said.

"Forget it," Zola said, "I'm taking the tent. I'll take my chances with the bears."

"Fine." Mom sighed, "Guess I'm going mouse hunting, are you helping El?"

"I'm not staying in the tent with Zola."

Mom looked like she wanted to retort but she shook her head. "Bailey still sleeping?"

Bailey answered by snoring.

"So how do we catch a mouse?" I asked.

"Well, we need a bucket."

We had an empty ice cream pail from the last trip, I grabbed it from a cupboard and handed it to mom. "Okay... lights," Mom said.

I flicked on the lights. We watched the floor carefully. More rustling and squeaking. Something moved in the corner of my eye. "Mom, bucket." As soon as it was in my hands I slammed it down, capturing the mouse.

"You got it!"

I held the bucket over the restless creature, "Now what do I do?"

"Um..." Mom looked around, she opened a cupboard and pulled out a box of Muesli cereal. She lifted out the plastic bag inside and flattened the cardboard. "Okay, we just slip this under the pail..." She did so carefully, flipping the pail over and keeping the cardboard on top. "Hand me the lid."

I handed it to her and she snapped it on top."There."

"Cool, we caught a mouse..." I said, holding the pail up. I imagined releasing the mouse into the tent outside where Zola was sleeping.

"Great. I can go to bed now." Mom flopped on the bed. Then she sat up and squinted at me. "And don't release that in the tent."

"Oh," I pouted. "How do you know that"

"I'm your mother, I know everything."

I stepped out of the trailer, my barefeet crunching the cool grass. Opening the pail, I released the mouse. I took a moment to breathe in the night air and look at the stars. It wasn't the same...this whole trip wasn't the same without dad. A lump formed in my throat. I missed him.

A cool wind blew and I could smell the heavy scent of rain. It would probably rain tonight. I sniffed and walked back in the trailer.

Curling into bed, I wiped my tears and pulled the blanket over me. As I started to fall asleep, I couldn't help but hear my mothers soft sobs. I swallowed and kept my eyes closed, willing myself to sleep.

The delicious smell of bacon woke me up. I rubbed my eyes sleepily. Bailey was cooking breakfast. Mom sat on the corner of the bed, sipping coffee.

"Morning," she said.

"Muh," I responded.

The door banged open and a soaking wet Zola barged in. "You forgot to attach the rainflap!" she yelled at me.

"I did attach it... you just didn't zip it!"

"Ughhh!"

Bailey looked up from the pancakes he was flipping and burst out laughing. "Zo, your hair- did you get electrocuted or something?"

"Shut up!" Then she glared at mom and pointed a finger at her. "I am never doing this again." She grabbed some dry clothes from her duffel and stormed into the shower.

"You totally should've put that mouse in the tent," Bailey joked.

"My kids are masochists..." Mom said, sipping her coffee.

"Maso-what?" I asked

"Nothing... forget it."

xxx

We left a few hours earlier than planned, the rain put a damper on things for us. The drive home was quiet and subdued.

"So that was..." Mom started.

"Great," Zola was dripping with sarcasm.

"It wasn't too bad..." Bailey said," I made fifty bucks."

I shrugged. "It was okay. I missed dad telling stupid horror stories."

"I'll think of some for next time," Bailey said.

"And we'll make sure to bring stuff for s'mores." Mom said.

"I am never going again." Zola said.

"Pssh, you say that every year," I smirked.

xxx

Later that night mom ordered pizza and popped a big bowl of popcorn as we watched Scream 13. Bailey invited Sofia over and the five of us groaned at the convoluted plot and the stupid characters that always got killed. Thirsty, I got up and wandered to the kitchen for another root beer. I stopped before I opened the fridge door. The picture that I drew was there. I fingered it. Mom was proud of me, I realized. And the picture wasn't nothing, it was everything. The pencil drawn eagle in flight was how I wanted to feel. Free, weightless, peaceful with it's place in the world. I hoped one day it would be more than a fleeting thing.

 **A/N** Thanks for reading! Please review! Any interesting camping experiences? No animals were harmed in the writing of this fic... except for the spider that crawled across my desk that I squished...


	17. Sailboats and Ferryboats

**A/N:** Thanks for all your support readers! Now for a few chapters on Derek.

Moving on...

 **Derek**

 **December 2029 Nanaimo BC**

The rain just stopped a few hours ago, and the break in the clouds revealed the red-orange sky behind the gloomy clouds. On the deck of my newly purchased houseboat, I lifted the hot mug of coffee to my lips, grimacing as the liquid burned and chafed the inside of my mouth. A low rumble caught my attention from the view, and I walked to the other side of the boat.

"Guess you found me," I called out.

The lights dimmed from the small pickup truck as the engine cut. Mark hopped out and waved.

"Guess I did." He smirked. "Gonna give me a tour?"

A tilt of my head invited him in. Mark clambered up the stairs and followed me inside.

"It's simple enough," I said, offering him a beer from the fridge. He cracked it open and gave the place a once over. Simple. Bed in the back, with a guest room, laundry and bathroom on the left side, and an open kitchen livingroom concept. A whole paycheck from fishing, but it was worth it.

"You're gonna live here?" Mark asked, running his fingers along the smooth countertop of the kitchen island.

"Better than Darcy's boat."

"Hey, don't dis the North Star, Darcy ran a good ship."

"Yeah, if you weren't flying off her," I smirked.

In the last few months Mark and I had become pretty good friends, although I still hadn't told him anything. I couldn't trust anyone. I couldn't trust myself. Since coming here, I'd often thought of looking up Sarah... but it was like a mental block. I had questions for her... suspicions... but I was afraid of the answers. What if it revealed something bad? What if I hurt her in the past? What if she hurt me? Could I handle it? For now I was content to avoid. Mark called me after his last fishing run and needed a place, and I needed company, so here we were.

Mark sighed and sipped his beer. "Well, thanks for letting me crash here."

"No problem, it'll be nice having someone around."

"Think your friend Bob will hire me?"

"Don't see why not," I smiled slightly. "C'mon let's go."

xxx

The Dinghy Dock pub was fairly quiet this Monday night, except for a small group of bikers and a group of women having a bachlorette party. Mark and I settled in a booth, and we ordered our drinks and a meal.

"So... Nanaimo's pretty close to Qualicum, you gonna go see Sarah? Talk to her?"

"Mark..." I glowered.

He raised a hand in surrender, "Fine, fine. How about those Canucks? Think they'll make the playoffs?"

"Chris!" A familar voice called from across the room.

"Bob!" I answered.

Bob swaggered over to our booth and sidled beside me, his stocky frame almost crushing me against the wall. "You're still in one piece!" He grinned.

"Yeah... I can't do another trip... It's too hard on me."

"What ya gonna do then?"

I was at a loss then, "I-I don't know." Then I remembered my manners. "Bob, this is Mark. Mark... Bob."

They shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. We joked around, and Bob agreed to meet with Mark later to start work.

Bob pulled an envelope from his jacket and slid it across the table. "Here ya go. Take good care of it eh?"

"Of course," I nodded, feeling the envelope and the hard object inside. We chatted some more, superficial things, the weather, hockey... fishing.

When the conversation lulled, Bob spoke up, "She was askin about ya..." he said softly.

"Mm." I replied distantly.

"Look, I don't know her from Adam, Chris... but somethin' is up with that woman."

My heart hardened, and I forced every bit of sympathy from my mind. "Bob, I don't care."

Bob shrugged. "Look, all I gotta say about that is if you don't deal with it, it will deal with you. And that may not be so pleasant." He checked his watch, "well, I gotta hit the road." He patted my shoulder. "Check in with you later."

"Yeah." Why did he have to mention Sarah right now? I ordered another scotch and a beer for Mark. We chatted for a few more minutes, until our drinks were finished. It was starting to get louder, the bikers were getting rowdy, and there was a new crowd coming in. "Let's go," I said to Mark, eager to get out of there.

Outside, it was drizzling again, and a cold wind breezed in. I almost slipped on a thin sheet of ice, but Mark caught my elbow. We were violently shoved aside as a biker burst through the doors. Obviously intoxicated, he stumbled to his bike.

"Hey," Mark called out to the man, "You shouldn't be driving."

"Do I know you?" The man sneered. He swayed slightly as he put his helmet on, but he left it unbuckled. "Do I give a shit what you say? My bike. My life, man." The bike's suspension squeaked under his weight as he sat down.

"We're just trying to help," I said, backing Mark up. "Is there someone we can call?"

"Get outta the way!" He gunned the engine and released the throttle, the bike exploding forward with powerful force. Grabbing the back of Mark's jacket I barely saved him from being hit. We watched in shock as the bike sped down the road.

"Son of a-" Mark muttered.

Just then I heard a terrible crunch! The idiot hit a lightpole!

"Mark, go get help!" I shouted as I ran to the broken motorcycle. A wave came over me, like an out of body experience...

My hands floated over the man laying flat on his stomach. His helmet spun uselessly several feet away from him. Automatically, my hands did a quick examination of his body, searching for injuries. I called out to him, but there was no response. Strange yet familiar thoughts entered my mind: _Completely unconscious, unresponsive. Check his pupils._ I pulled his eyelids up and looked at his eyes. _Pupils reactive but sluggish. There's probably a bleed. Or it could be the alcohol._ Warm liquid stuck to my fingers when I held onto his head. _Head lac. He could also have a spinal injury. He can't be moved. No other noticeable internal injuries, possible broken collarbone._

The man groaned and blinked awake, "uhhhh."

I smiled, happy to see he was coming around. _Spontaneous eye opening- four on the GCS._ "Hi, you're gonna be okay. Don't move. Can you tell me your name?"

He murmured something, but I couldn't understand him. _Incomprehensible sounds- two._ "Do you know what's going on? You crashed your motorcycle. Blink twice if you understand me." He blinked twice. _Obeys commands- six. Twelve on the GCS score... he should be okay. They may have to operate._

My diagnosis was interrupted by someone's voice...

"I'm a nurse, I can help." A woman's hands held the man's head. "We have to keep his neck stable-"

"He might have a spinal injury-"

"Ambulance is coming, but I-"

"Think the bleeding is superficial..."

We were talking at once, yet I understood everything she said. She pulled at the man's jacket, trying to relieve some of the pressure that could build up when a patient is undergoing shock. Tearing my eyes away from the broken biker I stole a glance at the woman. She looked vaugely familiar.

Sirens interrupted my thoughts and I saw the flashing of the ambulance lights. Around us a crowd was forming. The bikers were rushing toward us, Mark yelled to keep them at bay. I looked back at the man, his eyes were closed again. "Stay awake!" He mumbled incoherently, but his eyes remained closed. "C'mon!" They half opened, and I saw a tinge of blue.

Strong arms gripped me as the paramedics arrived. They pushed me aside as they began to work on him.

"He's a twelve on the Glasgow Coma Scale," I said. "Make sure he gets a CT as soon as he arrives at the hospital- he could have a epidermal hemotoma-"

"Are you a doctor?" someone asked.

 _Yes._

"I...uh...I-" I swallowed. What was I saying? How did I know all of this? Where did all of this come from?

 _You have a gift._

 _You're one in about twenty people in the world who can save her. I don't know if I could respect somebody who would walk away from a gift like that._

 _So please don't._

The scene blurred in front of me, a smear of blue, white and red. Voices muffled and mixed in my head and the crisp air no longer filling my lungs. The siren from the ambulance whooped and hollered, but I was oblivious. I felt my knees tremble and shake under me and then...

Black.

" _You again." I said to my subconscious. We were sitting on a deck of some sort. In the woods. Behind me was a small metal trailer. I was holding a beer. A light beer no less._

" _Me again." She said simply._

" _What just happened?"_

" _I think you just saved a guys life today."_

" _He had an epidermal hemotoma. How did I know that? Am I... Am I a doctor?"_

" _You sure knew what you were doing."_

" _Maybe I'm not as brainless as I thought I was."_

 _She giggled, a light airy sound like holiday bells. She sipped her beer. I sipped mine. I felt her hand on my shoulder. "It's going to take awhile, for everything to come... just go with it. Don't fight it, embrace it, lean into it."_

" _I feel like I'm in the Wizard of Oz."_

" _Mm. Maybe you are."_

 _I turned to look in her eyes, but she was gone._

xxx

Voices buzzed around me as concsiousness returned. Light filled my eyelids and I blinked. "Mark, get your ugly face out of my face." I growled.

"You're pathetic and I'm a lesser man for knowing you."

"That's my line."

"Yup, you're fine... you're good."

"Is he okay?" an unfamiliar voice asked. A woman. I blinked again and looked in the direction of the voice. The woman from earlier, the nurse... she looked so familiar. She tucked her curly hair behind her ear and looked at me with concern.

"I'm okay." I said.

"Here, have some water," She handed me a bottle of water.

I took a sip and looked around, we were still at the bar, in a quiet corner. "What happened to the guy?" I asked.

"He's being taken care of. What the hell happened Chris?" Mark asked.

"I don't know, I just kinda... froze."

"You were barking orders like a pro. Were you a doc or something?"

"I... I don't think so?" Vestiges of memory tinged in my mind. The man on the ground, I was holding his head looking into his pupils. Pupils? Since when did I know things about pupils? Somehow at that very instant, my body knew what to do, and my mind remembered. My hands shook and I rubbed them on my thighs.

"Wait," the woman said, "Your name is Chris?"

"Yeah..."

"I remember you! You were in the hospital last year... during the tsunami. I was your nurse." Her eyes brightened with excitement. "It's me... Lynn. Nurse Jackson."

Long curly hair, kind eyes. Young, but experienced. I remembered her. "Nurse Jackson," I smiled, remembering the her presence from the time I was in the hospital a year and a half ago. She was a great nurse, and that time that I had been hospitalized had been under the most extreme conditions.

"How have you been? Did you get your memory back?"

I didn't really have an answer for her. But Mark heard her question and jerked up. "Memory?"

xxx

The coffee maker steamed and gurgled as it discharged the warm brew into the pot. We were back on my houseboat, and I invited Lynn and Mark with me. As Mark said earlier, I had some splainin' to do.

Lynn had taken a spot on the couch, her knees curled into her chest. She was gazing at me curiously. I'm sure I was a curiosity to her. Mark looked stunned to say the least. I handed them each a cup of coffee and sighed.

Picking up my own mug I sat down in the recliner. It was time. I had to tell somebody.

xxx

 **Christmas Day 2029**

"Where are we going?" Mark asked, trudging behind me.

It was eerily quiet on the docks, and the heavy morning fog didn't do anything to dissapate the mood. I lifted up the pail I was holding and pointed. "This way."

Mark grunted and stuffed his hands in the pockets of the new Canucks leather jacket I bought him. I walked a few paces ahead of him, excited about my latest idea. Inside my jacket was the envelope Bob had given me a few weeks ago. More importantly, there was a key. We arrived at an old dry dock and I fumbled with the key in the lock.

"What's this? Storage?" Mark asked as I pushed the heavy wooden door open.

"Yeah..." We walked inside and I flicked on a light. In the middle of the shed, on a stand, was the boat I purchased from Bob. The one I'd been working on. It still needed work, but it was Christmas, and I wanted to do this one thing. I ran my hand over the smooth polished wood.

"Got this from Bob," I said. "It was found in the tsunami, he thinks it was lost a long time ago and the tsunami dredged it up."

Mark walked carefully around it, giving it a careful appraisal. "Needs a lot of work. But it's nice. Classic."

Sighing, I reflected on the small sailboats significance. It wasn't just a boat to me. My heart struggled to come up with the words I needed to say. "This boat, it's me. It's who I am, and I'm trying... to fix myself. It needs a new mast, the rudder is bent, I'm still trying to find the right kind of wood to patch up that hole, but..."

"I get it." Mark said. "You gonna name it?"

I smiled and held up the pail of paint I brought. "Ellis."

Mark helped me carefully sand the wood down to a smooth grain, and I applied two coats of white paint to the area I was going to print her name.

"You ever find out more about her? Ellis, I mean?" Mark asked.

"I thought maybe she'd been brought to the same hospital as mine and I asked Lynn to go through the hospital records, but no one in Nanaimo came up."

"What about other places?" Mark asked.

"She checked, but came up with nothing. There'd been a lot of power outages and data disruptions after the tsunami. If she was admitted, her records might never have been saved."

"Oh. I'm sorry." Mark said softly.

I picked up the stencil and carefully penciled 'Ellis' onto the freshly dried paint. With a smaller paint brush I filled in the name with fire engine red paint. I outlined it in black. When it was finished, I stepped back and looked at the name again. Closing my eyes I saw her face. Pale, with a slightly pointed chin and dimples. Piercing soul-breaking blue eyes like my own and the most unbelievable lips.

 _Ellis!_

 _Dad!_

"You don't think she's..." Mark said softly. I knew what he was implying and for the briefest second I hated him for bringing it up.

"No. She's not. She can't." I wouldn't let my mind wander there. Somewhere, I had a daughter.

"Right. Sorry."

xxx

 **February 2030**

Cold rain pelted my exposed cheeks as I stood outside on the top level of the ferry. Shivers ran up my spine, but I didn't mind. At least the rest of my body was relatively dry due to the rain jacket I wore. I was on my way to the mainland. Vancouver.

"There you are," Lynn said, she approached me hunched over, her arms dismally protecting her from the wind. "Are you mad? It's freezing out here."

"I don't know... I just- I guess I have a thing for ferryboats," I smiled.

"Even in the rain?"

"Especially in the rain."

"Well, come inside, I'll buy you a coffee."

I looked back out at the horizon. With the rain and the clouds, it was hard to see ahead, but there was a darker outline of land in the distance and it offered some solace, some hope.

 _Flashback. The day I met Lynn again._

" _So I came up here, and I met Darcy and Mark, and worked as a deckhand."_

" _And almost died," Mark chortled. "Look, you might be good with nets, but you have terrible sea legs."_

" _Sarah said I was a fisherman."_

" _I swear you had medical training..." Lynn said, "Maybe you were a paramedic or a doctor."_

" _I don't know... I just don't know." I ran a hand through my hair. I felt so lost. I was this, I was that... I knew this, I knew that... but I didn't know enough._

" _There's therapy." Lynn offered, sipping her coffee._

" _Look," Mark said, getting up from his chair, "You should find out, Chris." He put his mug in the sink to be washed later. "Not knowing is gonna mess you up."_

xxx

Lynn plunked the paper cup in front of me. "Black, right?"

"Thanks."

"What are you thinking?" Lynn asked, pouring a hazelnut creamer in her cup.

"Will it work? This therapy thing?"

"I don't know."

"But it's worth it right?" I sipped the hot beverage, thankful to be warm and out of the rain.

"You've got nothing to lose Chris. You have to try."

"Yeah. I have to try." I was doubtful it would work. Everytime I had a breakthrough, I hit a wall. I was afraid of what was on the other side. Lynn had been persistant though. At the very least, she insisted, I would learn a few techniques to help me. Doubts plagued me constantly. What if it didn't work? What if what I remembered was too painful for me to bear? What if my daughter had died? Or what if it was a fake memory?

But Lynn had been my beacon. She insisted I try. Somehow through her network of colleagues, she'd gotten me a few free appointments with a specialist. So here we were.

Tired of my own thoughts about myself, I turned to my friend. "So why'd you choose nursing?" I asked.

"Well, I'd never lack for a job..." Lynn smiled. "A lot of people thank doctors for saving their lives... and that's wonderful... but doctors see everything black and white. Diagnose and treat. But those moments after... the tests are done, the doctor has left the room, and the patient is alone in their bed... that's when its make or break. That's when they need someone."

"Mm, sounds personal."

"My sister had a heart condition."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"She's okay. She had a heart transplant when she was fifteen."

"Oh good!" I said with relief. A thought occured to me. I pulled up the sleeve of my left arm and showed her the thin white scar that trasversed directly down the middle of my bare forearm. "Can you tell me where I might've gotten this from?"

Lynn grabbed my wrist and examined my arm closely. "It looks like a surgical scar."

"Really, surgery?"

"It's old, more than ten years, I'm sure."

I pulled my arm away and unzipped my jacket. Lynn watched me quizically as I undid several buttons on my shirt underneath. I traced the line down my sternum. "What about this?"

Lynn leaned forward and scanned my chest. "You definitely had heart surgery at some point... wait..."

"What?" I asked.

"There's another mark," She reached over and pressed her finger against an indentation I'd never noticed before. "I've only seen this in war vets... I think it's a bullet wound."

Bullet wound? Her words echoed and bounced around in my head. I swallowed and tried to suck in air.

"At some point in your life a long time ago, you were shot in the chest."

 _You don't get to die on me!_

 **A/N:** Intense! More Derek stuff coming up. Just to be clear- even though Derek might remember a scene or a moment, or muscle memory thing- it's not all going to come at once. Things might come out of order, or at the wrong time and that leads to a lot of confusion...

Please Review!

 **Also, If you like Olivia Benson from Law & Order SVU, check out my new crossover Growing Pains. A young Meredith Grey meets Patrol officer Olivia Benson. Would love to hear what you think of that one!**


	18. How to Change a Tire

**A/N:** I just want to acknowledge my readers for a moment... It is a bit of a stretch to imagine that Derek had amnesia for ten years... and I agree on that. In retrospect I probably could have written it differently. But once it's published, its published. So I **_Appreciate_** all of you who have stuck with this story. It isn't easy trying to work out all the possible plot points and explanations for everything. And the hard part is knowing where I want the story to go but not knowing how... and trying not to overthink the whole thing. So **_Thank You_** so much for trusting me here.

On a slightly different note, to clarify... Derek still believes he is Michael Robertson, at least physically. Emotionally, in his own mind,he is trying to reconcile the Michael Robertson that he was told he was he to the man he _feels_ he is. I am trying to maintain the character of Derek Shepard within the amnesiac man here... Optimistic, outgoing, compassionate, broody at times, wanting more for himself, but also indecisive and an avoider too. He needs to be pushed and there's no Meredith to push him. I hope I am putting that across.

This chapter jumps around a bit... pay attention. Anyway, onward ho!

 **April 2030 Vancouver**

 **Derek**

I checked my watch again. Lynn was late, but I couldn't blame her. Traffic was awful this time of day. I held the umbrella up and suppressed a shiver as Vancouver rain drizzled wearily around me. A horn beeped, and I caught sight of her tiny silver Honda Civic. I snapped the umbrella closed and crouched into the passenger seat, shaking excess moisture off the umbrella before closing the door.

"Hey, how was your session?" Lynn asked cheerfully.

I shook my head grimly. Therapy had been grueling today, and it hadn't produced the hopeful results I expected.

"That bad huh?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay." She said, "Hungry? Maria invited us to her place for dinner if you want to grab a bite before we hit the Ferry."

"Sure." Maria was a friend of Lynn's who loved to cook and generously offered her home to us when we were in Vancouver.

We drove in silence for awhile, as Lynn navigated the winding road to Maria's. As I leaned against the window, I reflected on this last session with Dr. Spicer.

 _Earlier:_

" _I'm sick of this! We're not getting anywhere!" I ranted in Dr. Spicer's office while I paced, hands on my hips._

" _Michael, this is only your fifth session. These things take time. Have you tried the techniques I gave you?"_

 _Meditation, synaptic stimulus, journaling... "I did at first,"_

" _But you gave up."_

" _They weren't working!" I rubbed my jaw. "Stop calling me Michael."_

" _It's necessary. If you want to discover the truth, you have to stop associating yourself with someone else."_

" _I- God," I sputtered. "Why? Why can't I be Chris?" Chris felt right. I was Chris. Somehow I was._

" _How did you come up with the name Chris?" Dr. Spicer asked._

 _I sighed, remembering the conversation with Angela when I'd been rescued, "I don't know... It just came to me."_

" _Tell me about the island, you were alone?." Dr. Spicer picked up his notebook._

" _Yes," I said. I sat back down on the chair and crossed my legs._

" _Fighting to survive?"_

" _Yes."_

" _Did you daydream?"_

" _I- Yes." Vague recollections of made up stories about myself floated in my head._

" _So you fantasized about who you were outside of the island."_

" _Of course... it was my escape."_

 _Sounds of Dr. Spicers pen scribbling in the notebook got my attention. "And then you were rescued, and brought to a hospital, and your wife found you."_

 _I sighed. "Yes, she found me." If she was my wife._

" _How did you feel when you saw her?"_

 _I thought back to those very first moments of seeing her face.'I'm your wife,' she'd said._

" _I felt confused...and then relieved. I wasn't alone anymore."_

I was pulled from my reverie by the sudden change in the smoothness of the ride. We were driving over a bouncy gravel road. The car rocked as Lynn manuevered over a pothole.

 _Pop!_ _Wumpa-wumpa-wumpa._ I looked over at Lynn in concern.

"Shoot!" She cried out as she pulled the car over. "Popped a tire!"

xxx

 **Meredith April 2030 Seattle**

I sighed with exhaustion. I had been up now for more than twenty-four hours thanks to a five car pile-up. Luckily I had a short nap on the ferry. Just another fifteen minutes and I'd be home. Tiredly following the road, I rounded the bend when suddenly the car lurched. _Bang!_ _Sssss!_

"Crap!" I yelled as my car listed to the side. "Dammit!" I was so close, yet so far. Pulling over I stepped out and saw that my rear drivers side tire had blown. I dug in my purse for my phone and set it on the dash, then continued to dig for my wallet. I had an Auto membership card in there somewhere, although it would take forever for them to get here, I was too tired to try and walk home. I found the card punched the number in.

My heart plunged when I heard the familiar sound of an out of service beep. "Double crap!" I shouted. Cold wet drops of rain splotched on my jean jacket. Sighing, I climbed back into my car and leaned on the steering wheel... the last time I got into this mess, I had a husband.

 _November 2014_

 _I rubbed my pregnant belly absently as I steered the car up the hill. My feet were sore and swelling, my back ached from standing for so long during surgery, but soon I'd be home to Derek and the kids. I couldn't wait. The wheel jerked and I struggled to right the vehicle as it listed, "What the-?" I muttered, gaining control for a couple minutes. I kept on driving but a loud thumping noise from the back scared me so I pulled over immediately._

 _I slowly got out of the car and waddled over to see the damage. Did I hit something? Nope. Flat tire. "Crap." I muttered_

 **Derek Vancouver April 2030**

I looked down at the tire. "Well that is definitely a flat."

"Know how to change a tire?" Lynn asked nervously. While we weren't too far from help, it was still an awkward situation.

I'd seen it done before "Fairly straight forward isn't it?" I knew I could figure it out.

She smiled and flipped the trunk open. "Let's see..."

Still, my mind drifted...

" _You weren't alone. But you didn't remember her. And you started to have doubts."_

" _I just.. I wasn't attracted to her."_

" _Have you ever considered that maybe at that point in your relationship before the tsunami, you honestly weren't attracted to her?" Dr. Spicer asked._

 _I hadn't considered that at all. I uncrossed my legs and leaned forward in my chair. "What's the meaning of this? Why are we talking about this?" We were talking in circles. I was trying to find out about my memories, not rehash a relationship I didn't remember._

" _You wanted her to call you Chris. Why?"_

" _I don't know, it just felt right. Michael doesn't feel right."_

" _You never gave him a chance."_

" _Who?"_

" _Michael."_

" _So what are you saying? By calling myself a different name I subconsciously blocked my memories?"_

xxx

 **Meredith April 2030 Seattle**

Half a mile up the hill away from my car,I tried for the forth time to call the tow truck. No luck. Kicking dirt in frustration I realized this was one thing I'd just have to do myself. Shouldn't be too hard, right? And I wasn't pregnant with Ellis this time.

I popped the trunk, eyeing the contents. Jack, wrench, spare tire. All check. I just repaired a perforated bowel and performed a splenectomy. How hard could it be to change the tire?

 _November 2014_

 _I tried to call Derek, but I couldn't get any service. There was a patch along this road where cell service was nonexistant. I considered walking further up the hill but a swift kick from the baby reminded me that that wasn't a good idea. "Easy Flipper," I said, rubbing the bottom of my bump. I swore this one would be a gymnast when it got out. We'd decided to let the sex be a surprise this time, since I wasn't as scared as I'd been with Bailey and I was pretty sure this one wouldn't have two heads or sixteen toes._

 _But now I was a little scared. What was I supposed to do now?_

 **Derek April 2030**

"Okay... wrench?"

Lynn handed me the wrench. We had just popped the cover off of the wheel, and now I was in the process of loosening the lugnuts.

"You ever done this before?" Lynn asked. She reached in the trunk for the jack.

"Oh probably. Not like I'd remember." I chuckled. It was nice to laugh about my amnesia. It was nice to have friends who supported me.

Lynn shook her head and smiled. "I could call Maria... her boyfriend's a mechanic," she offered.

"Actually, I watched Bob do it a couple times for his friends. It's not that hard. Should be done right away."

"Good, I'm starving."

I worked at the tire, and the mindless work brought up thoughts about my therapy session.

" _So tell me about Michael Robertson." Dr. Spicer asked_

" _I don't know anything about Michael Robertson," I said, staring out the window at the cityscape below me._

" _But you're Michael Robertson."_

" _I'm Michael Robertson." I scoffed sarcastically and shook my head._

 _Dr. Spicer leaned forward. "Tell me about yourself."_

" _What, like I'm on a date?" The words came out spiteful, not exactly how I intended._

" _Humor me."_

" _I... I like breakfast. I drink scotch, the good stuff. I like riding the Ferryboat. I gave my wife a dog. I'm a morning person. I eat healthy. I like fixing things. I can throw a good knot on a fishing line-"_

" _Alright," Dr. Spicer interrupted. "So how do you know that those things weren't a part of Michael Robertson before the Tsunami?"_

 _xxx_

 **Meredith April 2030 Seattle**

The Box that the jack was in had instructions. "Secure vehicle and turn on hazard lights." I smiled. I did that already. "Use screw driver to pry off wheel cover... " Screw driver? Crap. I dug around in the backseat. My hands fell on something smooth and pointyish. Not a screwdriver. One of the tent stakes that had been there for ages. It would have to do. I picked it up and walked over to the tire.

Just then I heard a loud motor approach from the distance. I stepped into the road a little and waved. The single headlight of a motorcycle was approaching fast.

 _November 2014_

 _I didn't know what to do. My hormones were kicking in now and my throat was closing up with a thick sob. Tears streaking down my face I banged the steering wheel with my fist. "Ow! Stupid. Seriously get a grip... it's a tire."_

 _Now I was talking to myself. Flipper did a dropkick in my stomach. "Hey watch it there... What did I ever do to you?" I berated it. "Don't you want peanut butter banana ice cream when we get home? Well?"_

 _When Flipper didn't move I took as agreement. "Okay then. Derek will kill me, but I have to figure this out..." I got out of the car and went to the back and popped the trunk. "Okay... lets see..." As I pondered my next move, bright headlights in the distance caught my attention and I sighed in relief._

 **Derek April 2030 Vancouver**

The wheel cover had been popped off, and I had just loosened the lugnuts on the tire. "Okay, we just take this jack..." Grabbing the jack, I tried to place it under the wheelbase. But, "Oh."

"Oh what?" Lynn asked.

"Well, the jack doesn't fit. Your car is too low."

"What?" She bent down to take a look for herself.

I leaned back, "It's okay, we just need something..." I looked around and took a few steps into the bush looking for a long branch. It wasn't hard to find and a few seconds later I emerged with a six foot strong looking tree branch.

"Oh, leverage!" Lynn said, catching on.

I nodded and smiled. "Yes. Bring that rock here- we just need to position this branch like so..."

I positioned the log over a rock with the shorter end of the lever under the car and the longer end in my hands. "Okay, I'm going to take this and push it down, when the car lifts up, stick that jack right under the wheel well Got it?"

"Okay."

I pushed down on the makeshift lever, and the car lifted slightly. Lynn quickly pushed the jack underneath. Success.

 _We were talking about the island now._

" _I saw a dead body. I buried a dead body." It came out as a whisper, hoarse and hollow. That was a secret I told no one. My hands became cold and clammy as I recalled the bloated body of the man who shared the island with me._

 _Dr. Spicer put down his pen and steepled his fingers. "That bothered you?"_

" _Of course! Someone died!"_

" _What was your reaction when you saw that body?"_

" _It was visceral- disgust... I gagged." I said, but then I looked back up at the doctor. "I was also a little curious."_

" _You buried him. Did you dream about it?"_

" _I- uh..." There was a long silence. I didn't want to go there. To that place. That dark place._

" _What are you thinking about?"_

" _Nothing!" But I couldn't get the picture of my dead rotted face gazing at me. 'There's no fixing you. You're a lemon,' It seemed to say to me. Sarah's voice hovered in my memory: 'The Michael Robertson I knew was absent... he made me paranoid, thinking he was having an affair... and when I told him to leave... he did.'_

 **Meredith April 2030 Seattle**

The motorcycle stopped, and the driver pulled off the helmet. Familiar dark curls unraveled past her shoulders.

"Cristina?" I gasped. "What- What are you doing here?" I was in shock. I hadn't seen her since New Years.

"An ascending aortic aneurisym." Cristina said, nonplussed that she'd found me on the dirt road in the middle of the rain. "Do you know how rare those are? Bailey called me and wants me to perform a Modified Bental procedure. Didn't you get my email and messages?" She asked.

I shook my head slowly, still in shock from seeing my person randomly appear in front of me right when I needed her. "I was in surgery... there was a pile-up"

"That's what Evil Spawn said." Then she pulled me into a giant hug "I miss you."

"Yeah-" My arms wrapped around her too, despite the cold dampness of her leather jacket.

"But seriously, what are doing in the middle of nowhere in the freakin' rain?"

"Tire blew," I said pointing to the car. "Phone's out of service... Maybe I can just hop on the back of your bike?"

"No way," she dismissed. "I don't have an extra helmet."

I mock pouted.

"I know..." Cristina sighed. She walked over and crouched at the tire. "Look it can't be that bad, we're surgeons after all. And there's tequila in my bug-out bag. So worse comes to worse, at least we'll be laughing about it." 

"I found instructions." I said holding up the box, suddenly feeling better that I wasn't in this alone.

"See? Just like any surgery. Research first."

"Oh, and I've seen Derek change a tire before..."

 _November 2014_

 _It was dark, And I couldn't see who had pulled up in front of my car because the headlights were blinding me. But as the figure stepped in front of the light, the backlight illuminated a shape all too familiar._

" _Meredith!"_

" _Derek?" How did he know I was here?_

" _I was wondering what happened," he said as he approached me, "You texted me when you got off the ferry, but you still hadn't come home." He gave me a big hug. Flipper did a couple more dropkicks in his presence._

" _Ow."_

" _The baby? Are you okay?"_

" _Fine... Flipper's just happy to see you. and I'm a little hormonal. The tire blew and I couldn't call you and I was so tired and..."_

" _Shhh it's okay Mer, I'm here now."_

 _His soothing words relaxed me, and I leaned on his chest. "Can we just go home?" I asked. I shifted my weight. I had to pee._

 _Derek took a look around assesing the situation. "Mm," he said, "I don't like where you're parked. Someone could hit the car."_

" _No one's gonna hit the car... and I just want to go home." I squirmed again. Okay now I really had to pee._

" _I can change the tire Mer, it's simple, I've done it before."_

" _Yeah... but I- have to pee," I squirmed again, silently cursing the spawn inside me._

 _Derek looked at me like I was an adorable toddler. "You won't make it anyway."_

 _I blushed. "I'm not squatting in the woods."_

" _Uh huh," he said, grinning._

 _But then I had to go. Right. Now. "Dammit..." I said, running into the bushes. "IF I PEE ON POISON OAK, SO HELP ME I WON"T BE THE ONLY ONE IN THE HOUSE WITH A RASH" I yelled at him._

 **Derek**

 **April 2030 Vancouver**

I removed the lugnuts and placed them in the wheel cover. Dusting the grease off my hands I reached for the tire and started to pull. It was harder then it looked. the wheel just didn't want to come off. Lynn came up beside me and we pushed and pulled and spun until the wheel popped off. I panted and rolled the tire off to the side. "Okay, now the spare?" I asked.

"Right," Lynn said, rolling the spare over to me. "Here you go."

" _You buried a dead body." Dr. Weller said. "Couldn't it be construed in your subconscious, that you were burying yourself. Your old self?_

" _I... I don't know what you mean."_

" _Sarah said the old you was absent, uninterested. A workaholic."_

" _Yes," I admitted. I was trying to follow Dr. Spicer's train of thought._

" _And when you came back, she said you were like a different person."_

" _Yes...I'm sorry, doctor, but what does this have to do with anything?" I was tired of analysing my relationship with Sarah. It didn't matter. Right?_

 _Dr. Spicer ignored my question and continued. "What did that girl- what's her name-_

" _Angela."_

" _Angela, right." He wrote in his notebook. "She said something to you... she said you were like an empty container..."_

" _It meant that.. I didn't have anything to fear. I had no preconceptions."_

" _So you started over again. You buried your old self on that island, subconsciously. You got a job, you built a house... and then, just as things were going well, you left. Why?"_

 **Meredith**

 **April 2030 Seattle**

"I thought this would be easier," I said as I lifted the spare out of the trunk.

"Oh, buck up." Cristina said, twirling the crosswrench, which promptly slipped from her fingers and clattered on the muddy ground.

"Shut up, this thing is heavy, and it's raining."

"We're almost done Mer, and then we can go home drink tequila and I can tell you all about the bloody surgeries I've been teaching these last few months."

"Sounds... Good." I said, panting. "But I apologize in advance if I fall asleep from pure exhaustion."

Cristina helped me push the spare tire on. When it was in enough, we kneeled on the muddy ground. and I held a flashlight up to the wheel.

"Lugnut," she said, with the same tone she would use if asking for a scalpel or a clamp.

"Wait till I tell the kids about this... they'll never believe it." I said, handing Cristina a lugnut.

"Oh they will, if you teach them how to change a tire... you know what they say... see one, do one, teach one."

"Uh huh... I" said, scowling.

"A procedure! Not a man! You have a dirty mind. Lugnut."

"What can I say? I'm sex-deprived." I handed her another lugnut.

"Tell you what Mer, when we find Mcdreamy... I will happily find you a beautiful tropical island where the two of you can do as much seeing, doing and teaching as you wish."

I swallowed. There was that pang again in my heart. I sighed and wordlessly handed her another lugnut.

 _November 2014_

 _I handed Derek another lugnut, and he screwed it on with his fingers and then tightened it with his wrench. "All done!" He said, brushing his hands on his jeans._

 _I sighed in relief. "Thank God, I'm exhausted."_

" _How exhausted?" Derek waggled his eyebrows._

" _Derek..." I pleaded. I did want sex, but I was too tired and sore. And I wanted to wait awhile to make sure I didn't have a rash on my..._

 _He smiled softly, "A bath, Meredith, and I'll rub your feet."_

" _A bath would be nice." I smiled, gazing up into his dreamy eyes._

" _Amy already put the kids to bed, so we don't have to worry about Bailey feeling left out."_

 _I laughed at the thought. Bailey was at the running and climbing stage these days and thought it was the greatest thing to join us in during our private bath times._

" _A bath. And a foot rub." I repeated. "I love you." I leaned into him._

 _Derek kissed the top of my forehead "I love you too."_

 **Derek**

 **April 2030 Vancouver**

We hopped back into the car and continued on our drive. I could feel Lynn's gaze on me though.

"What?" I snarked.

"Did everything go okay for you in there? You seem pretty mopey."

The trees along the road blurred in many shades of green and the car shifted into another gear as we pulled up the hill.

" _Look, when you were on that island, your brain was processing things on an instinctual level. Everything was a threat unless proven otherwise. What did Sarah do that was a threat?"_

" _I think she lied to me."_

" _You think she lied? Do you know for sure?"_

 _I thought about it. The boat being in the wrong place didn't make sense. And then, I just felt a need to leave. "I felt like she was hiding something from me."_

" _Did you talk to her? Confront her?"_

" _Kind of..."_

" _You didn't stay to find an answer. A real answer."_

" _No..."_

" _So out of fight or flight you chose flight. Listen Michael, even if she's a liar, even if she's hiding something, even if you hate her, she's the one with all the answers... she knows where you came from. You were scared that she would leave at first, but now you've already left her anyway."_

" _I have to go back to her?"_

" _You can't run from this."_

 **Meredith 2030**

I pulled into the driveway and opened the garage for Cristina to park. Her motorcycle chugged in. It was late, I was sure the kids were asleep. Inside, I saw evidence that they'd had fun at least. A couple pizza boxes, a deck of cards messily stacked on the floor. Cristina hung her wet jacket up and went to the bathroom. I poked my head in Ellis and Bailey's rooms and sure enough, they were snoring away. Zola of course was in college.

Cristina exited the bathroom, wringing her hands dry. I washed mine too, watching the dirty grease water spill down the drain.

"My room?" I suggested to Cristina.

She nodded, coming back with a bottle of tequila and a long flat box.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Swiss chocolate." She said matter of factly. "The next best thing right?"

I smiled sadly and jumped on my bed. "Tequila."

She cracked the bottle open and handed it to me. I took a swig as she settled in next to me on the bed. When she was ready I handed the bottle back to her.

"Chocolate," I held out my hand. A cool smooth object was placed in my palm. I took a bite and savoured the smooth creamy richness of it. "Next best thing huh?"

Cristina took another swig of the tequila and shrugged. I rested my head on her shoulder. "I've had a lot of good things... but he was the best thing. He is the best thing."

"I know."

 _November 2014_

 _I settled in the bath and leaned against my husband, my head resting in the crook of his neck. Flipper had settled now and the warmth of the bath eased my aches and pains. I didn't want to leave._

" _Were you scared?" Derek asked._

" _Hm? A little maybe... But I knew you'd come for me."_

" _I'll always come for you." His arms wrapped a little tighter over my abdomen, his hands gently resting on my stomach._

" _Don't ever leave..." I sighed softly and intwined his fingers with mine._

" _No running."_

" _No running."_

 **Derek**

 **April 2030 Vancouver**

I watched the city lights fade into the distance as the Ferry pulled further and further away from Vancouver. Again, thoughts of my last session with Dr. Spicer disturbed me.

" _What about my other memories? Ellis?" I asked, wanting to change the direction of the conversation._

 _Dr. Spicer allowed that. "Well, we've tried a variety of techniques, but you don't respond well to hypnosis, or meditation. We've tried talking it through..."_

" _I got shot. Someone shot me. You'd think I'd remember that." A thought occured to me. "What about my medical file... wouldn't it be on that?"_

 _The doctor shook his head. "We pulled your files when you became our client. There's no mention of a gunshot injury, but if you were treated in the States or another country, we wouldn't have access to those. We'd need to know what hospital you were treated at."_

 _Another dead end. I was back to the begining._

" _So I have to confront her."_

" _She was your wife, for ten years you told her things... don't you want to know?"_

" _I... don't know. I don't know what I want to know."_

" _Because you're rejecting Michael."_

 _I jolted out of my seat, trembling with anger. "Isn't there a reason for that? I feel... It doesn't make sense! I feel like I'm being lied to or something!"_

" _Let me be clear on something," Dr. Spicer said, "I'm not saying that you should deny your instincts... I'm saying you need to find evidence to support your hypothesis, and frankly 'feelings' aren't enough. You won't make any breakthroughs if you don't ask more questions... you need to dig in and find the truth."_

" _No running."_

" _No running."_

My mind a jumbled mass of confusion and anger, I ran a hand through my hair. I had to go back to Qualicum. But did I want to?

 **A/N:** Whew! Well, The only way for Derek to get to the bottom of things is to confront Sarah. What will happen next?

Also, if you're a fan of Olivia Benson from Law and Order SVU, you may want to check out my crossover story **Growing Pains** Before Olivia became a SVU detective, she met Meredith... chaos ensues.


	19. Star light, Star bright

**A/N** I'm back! Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. Special thanks to my reviewers... greysfannn, Hasi2012, mandyg67, Patsy and roganjalex! And all my International Readers too! It's amazing to think people are reading this story on the other side of the world!

Again... I hate middles...

Enjoy!

 **Qualicum, January 2031**

 **Derek**

It was the third time in a month I passed the house. Sarah's house. Not the one I built, but the one we first moved into. Last month before Christmas I finally drew up the courage to knock on the door. There was no answer, no one was home. I asked Bob about her, if he'd seen her or heard from her, but he only shook his head. Not since I'd been back from therapy... and then I stopped going. For seven months I avoided coming to Qualicum and tried to justify it, but...

 **Last night...Nanaimo**

"Are you ready?" Lynn asked through the phone.

I peered at my reflection in the mirror, everything was good except for the tie, I couldn't figure it out, which was ironic because I could tie all sorts of knots on a fishing boat. "Yeah, I think so. You know how to tie a tie?"

A soft chuckle came over the line, "Of course, I do my husband's all the time."

Relief coursed through me, I was nervous but happy. There was a formal staff party for hospital employees and she'd invited me:

" _You need to get out... meet new people, stop being such a hermit." Lynn said._

" _Am I really that bad?" I asked when she invited me a week ago._

 _She smiled thoughtfully. "Sometimes, yeah."_

" _I get mopey," I said, using her words._

" _Yup."_

 _Well I had to prove her wrong. Mopiness was a bad character trait. "Alright, I'll go."_

" _Great!" Lynn exclaimed with a clap. "I already invited Sherry."_

" _Sherry?"_

" _Your date."_

So I found myself standing in front of a full length mirror on my houseboat, adjusting my suit and waiting for Lynn to arrive. Only a few minutes later, the double tap of the car horn alerted me to her arrival.

"You look great," Lynn said when I finally exited the car in front of the hotel.

"Thanks," I nervously ran my fingers through my thick hair. Lynn adjusted my collar and quickly tied my tie. "So... Sherry?"

Lynn shrugged, "I work with her... she's single. Look, I'm not trying to set you up or anything, I just don't want you to be by yourself. Charlie will be here with me any minute and I didn't want you to feel like a third wheel."

"I guess I can appreciate that," I smiled.

Lynn looked at me and shook her head.

"What?"

"You have a great smile..." She trailed off.

It only made me smile more.

xxx

The event started off without a hitch and I was shuffled to a large round table and seated with Lynn and Charlie. Sherry joined us a little later, she was a trim woman with blonde highlights and light green eyes. She was a bit younger than me, but that was alright. "Can I get you a drink?" I asked her.

"White wine?"

"Coming up."

We enjoyed dinner and conversation, Sherry was well versed in nearly everything, making it easy to talk to her. Even when the music started and the rest of the table left to dance, we were still talking. I looked over at the dance floor and sipped the last of my wine. "Wanna dance?" I offered my hand.

She put her glass down and clasped my hand. I led her to the dance floor and pulled her into a simple but slightly awkward two-step.

It was a beautiful night. Wonderful. It was nice to feel normal.

I came home, untied my tie, loosened my collar, and shrugged my jacket off. Mark was gone for the holidays to visit family, so I was alone for a few weeks. I grabbed a tumbler and poured a glass of holiday scotch to relax me. After a couple sips I heaved a sigh and dropped into my recliner. That's when the memory started.

 _I'm chasing a woman down a hallway. I'm in a suit, she's in a black dress. She dashes into a room. I follow her in. Her face is still blurry to me... except her eyes. Green eyes, like Sherry's._

" _Leave me alone." She says, pleads._

" _I want to make sure you're all right." I say. There's a lump in my throat. Pressure. In my chest. I'm desperate._

" _No! I'm not all right! OK? Are you satisfied? I'm not all right!"_

 _She throws up a hand and continues her ramble... "Because you have a wife, and you call me a whore and now you're looking at me." Everything about her is captivating. But she's angry. I hurt her somehow.. ._

" _Stop looking at me!" She rants, "I'm not looking at you. I am not looking at you! You are looking at me!" The accusation is sharp and hissed. "And you watch me." Now she moves like she's trying to hide behind some sort of table... "And Finn has plans and I like Finn._ _He's perfect for me! And I'm really trying here to be happy! And I can't breathe! I can't breathe with you looking at me like that! So just stop!"_

" _Do you think I want to look at you?" I'm beside her, kind of behind her, I'm speaking into her ear... My voice is restrained. I feel trapped. "That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities."_

" _She doesn't drive me crazy," I say. My heart is captivated by this woman somehow. She is...I love her. I love her but I hurt her and I can't have her._ _"She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal!" I'm churning with anger and jealousy. Anger... at myself, for letting her go, because now... it feels too late. I made my choice. I went back to my wife. Now my voice is thick with jealousy as I continue, "She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about someone else touching her with his hands! Oh, man, I would give anything not to be looking at you!_ "

 _Her back is to me, and she turns. Her eyes are full of... everything... she loves me, she loves me and she can't have me, but I won't let her go either. And I can't help but look at her. All of her... she saved me somehow. She saved me from something that I can't articulate in my lust-filled mind. All I know is I need her. I make the first move and she doesn't pull away. We can't stop. We're giving in to our passions and giving up on our fears. We're falling._

I drop my scotch and suck in air like I've been punched in the gut. It wasn't a dream. It was real. It was so real, I can almost feel the thin silky fabric of her dress between my fingers. I can almost feel her breath on my neck. My body physically aches with need.

What does this mean? What did I do?

 **Now**

I don't know if anyone's home. The curtains are drawn, there's no car parked out front, I don't see Buddy in the yard. But the place doesn't look abandoned or unkempt.

Sarah's voice echoed in my mind... _"Before the Tsunami... the Michael Robertson I knew was a workaholic... he made me paranoid thinking he was having an affair."_

Did I have an affair? Was this why things were so tense between us? Why I wasn't attracted to her? Was this the 'before?' It had to be. Of course she didn't want me to remember. But now I did... or I remembered something. I don't know what to do. My palms are flushed with sweat as I grip the steering wheel and drive away.

xxx

I walk wistfully on the beach, trying to escape my thoughts. In the packed sand, I dig up a couple smooth faced stones and curl my index finger around the edge of one. With a flick of my wrist, the stone arched into the air and landed on the water, it's slight upward tilt causing it to bounce... once-twice-three times, before it lost momentum and sank into the wave.

Another stone skipped across the water within the ripples of my last throw. My head nodded lightly as I count each skip- one, two... when it hit the waves the seventh time it's claimed by the water and I chuckled in awe. I look back to see that the thrower is a little boy about five or six years old.

After he watched the rock skip, he searches the cold water for another smooth stone to throw. He is quite involved in finding the right rock... talking to himself incomprehensibly as he picks up and discards rocks. Not too far away, a young woman is perched on a bench, her eyes halfway reading a book and halfway watching the boy.

I slowly approach the kid. "Hi," I say. He doesn't acknowledge me. Nervous, I look up at the woman, who I assumed is his mother. She'd put the book down but didn't seem to discourage my attempt, so I tried again. "You like rocks?" I ask, crouching down to his level. But the boy still doesn't acknowledge me, his focus on finding the right stone for his task. In my grimy hand was the second stone I'd picked up earlier, so I offered it to him. "This is a good rock for skipping."

He stares at it for a minute, then picks it up, turning it over in his hands. "Good rock," he intones. Tiny fingers skim the top of the stone as he feels the smooth hard surface. There's still some sand on it and he washes it away in the next wave of seawater that laps at his feet. Standing up from his crouching position, he stomps closer to the water in his knee high yellow rubber boots. Giving the stone a good rub he examined it one last time. Then, he grips it in his left hand, spins and releases the stone at the perfect angle and trajectory- sending it skipping over the waters. The boy's head bobs for each skip the rock makes, and I count eight skips.

"Wow," I said. "That's impressive! Great job!"

Again I'm met with unresponsiveness. The kid began to look for rocks again. I wonder if something was wrong with the boy, but I just bend down, pick up another smooth skinny rock and make another throw.

"Okay Benjamin," The woman calls. "It's time to go." She approaches him as he releases another stone into the water. She waits until he's done counting and then touches his arm. "C'mon Benny, time for supper."

Suddenly, unexpectantly, he shrieks. Loud and piercing.

"Benny..." his mother says calmly but she doesn't appear to comfort him, which confuses me. "We'll come back later to skip rocks, but we have to go now. Don't you want Mac and cheese?"

"Mac and cheese?" Benny asks, squishing mud alongside his mother with his boots. "Mac and cheeeeese. Mac and cheese with ketchup?"

"Yes, mac and cheese with ketchup," His mother replies, taking his hand and leading him off the beach.

"Ketchup! Ketchup! Ketchupmustardrelish!" I hear him say.

"Yes, condiments... those go on hamburgers and hotdogs." His mother says, and then they were out of earshot.

There's definitely something odd about his behavior... but I file it away for another time and pick up a rock, wondering why I chose not to have any children.

xxx

It was dark out when I pulled up to my house. The one I built. Bob and Mark had looked after it for me while I stayed in Naniamo. It was still unfinished, but in the back of my truck I had a mattress. My plan was to stay here awhile, until I found Sarah. I debated calling her earlier, but I didn't want to spook her into leaving, so if she was indeed here, I'd have to find her in person.

I pulled out the mattress, a sleeping bag and pillow and a six-pack. After I set up my bed, I grabbed a folding chair and perched out on the deck with a beer. The night was clear for once and I gazed out at the stars. A bright streak scratched the dark surface of the sky. A shooting star. Weren't you supposed to wish on those?

xxx

 **Seattle, Same time**

 **Zola.**

Bailey and Ellis were harassing each other in the kitchen, so I slipped out for a bit of peace out on the deck. I was home for winter break, this was the last weekend before I'd be going back to school and I just wanted a moment alone in the dark with the stars. I slid onto one of our reclining deck chairs and hugged my hot chocolate. It wasn't even that late out, but it was winter so it got dark early. In the background, I could hear Ellis rant and mom giggle, and I shook my head. Somehow mom had figured it out. How to balance everything, how to take care of us and still keep us hopeful, how to love us even when we lashed out. How to love herself. It had been a hard two-and-a half years, but we'd done it.

I stared up at the sky and sipped my hot chocolate, the marshmallow foam touched my nose and I wiped it off. High in the sky a sudden shimmer burst and faded. A shooting star.

"Star light, Star bright

first star I see tonight.

I Wish I may, I Wish I might,

have this wish I wish tonight," I sang softly as I wished for dad to come home.

" _Daddy?"_

 _I was seven. Mom was putting Ellis to bed and Bailey was being a brat and had taken my dolls hostage. I'd learned the best way to deal with that was to ignore him until he got bored. So I sought dad out, who liked to sit out on the deck and look at the stars._

" _Hello Princess," He smiled at me and patted his lap for me to climb up. I crawled into his lap and leaned my head under his chin. I liked that he called only me princess._

" _Bailey has my dolls." I said matter-of-factly._

" _Oh. Do you want me to get them?"_

" _No, I want to stay out here with you."_

 _He kissed me on the top of my cornbraided hair. "Okay."_

 _We sat in silence. The crickets and the frogs called and somewhere an owl hooted. Dad was humming._

" _What are you humming?"_

" _Oh nothing."_

 _I moved on his lap so I could rest my head on his chest. "Did you have a surgery today?" Earlier at dinner mom had asked about a patient of his and he seemed sad._

" _Hm... yes, I did."_

" _Was it a good surgery?"_

" _I don't know... she's not awake yet."_

" _Oh."_

" _She was a little girl like you."_

" _Oh." That was why he was sad. He told me that was the hardest part, waiting for the patient to wake up so he could find out if they were okay. I played with the buttons on his shirt, buttoning and unbuttoning it._

" _Look at the stars Zo, aren't they pretty?" Dad pointed up in the sky._

 _My gaze followed up his arm into the glittery night. There was so many stars. "Yeah."_

" _Did you know you can make a wish on a star?"_

" _Really?"_

" _Yes, listen... Star light, Star bright, first star I see tonight. I Wish I may, I Wish I might,_

 _have this wish I wish tonight," Dad sang. "Okay, let's wish something." He closed his eyes for a second and so did I, as I internalized my wish. "What did you wish for Zo?" He asked, his blue eyes dancing in the light._

" _I wished your patient would wake up soon!"_

 _His smile was broad and gracious. "So did I."_

" _We double wished!"_

" _We double wished," he nodded._

To seal my belief in wishes coming true, my seven year- old self found out the next morning that the little girl was awake and would be just fine. I sighed at the memory and took another sip of hot chocolate.

"Hey Zo," Mom said, plopping into a chair beside me.

"Hey," I said.

"So... Nursing huh?" she asked, bringing up my recent revelation at the dinner table.

"Yeah." I said abruptly. "I know you wanted me to be a surgeon..." I started the speech I'd been preparing in my head since I got here for Christmas, "But-"

"Zo, stop it, I never said I wanted you to be a surgeon."

"Maybe not, but you and dad seemed to imply it. I recall suture kits and stethoscopes and Anatomy Jane 2.0-"

"And princess dresses and ponies and art stuff and flute lessons, and volleyball and debate club," Mom interjected. "We never said you had to be us. And you didn't even let me finish my thought."

I felt my cheeks flush, I kinda went a little far on that one.

"I was going to say I think it's great that you want to be a nurse. There's so much you can do with that kind of degree. Nurses are so important. Nurses make bad doctors look good and good doctors look great. My mother always made it a point to make friends with the nurses, because really... they run the hospitals."

"Really?" I asked

"Of course Zola. I'm happy for you, I want you to do this. You'll be a great nurse."

"Thanks... speaking of running the hospital, Mom, Chief of Surgery? Seriously?" Auntie Cristina mentioned it non-chalantly in an email she sent me. She must've thought that I knew already.

She sighed and looked away for a minute. "The board offered it to me, I haven't decided."

I couldn't believe she was considering it, the position had been offered to her last year but she turned it down almost instantly. Why was she hesitating now? "I thought you didn't want that job. You said before it would be too time consuming and you wouldn't be around for us as much."

"I know, it's just-" She stopped and curled her knees to her chest. Something was up.

"What, mom?"

"It's a lot more money..." She whispered.

I was shocked, since when did money figure into this? Prestige, I could see... ambitition even, but money? "I thought that didn't matter."

"I thought that too... but, it's complicated."

"Mom?" I asked, suddenly concerned. "What are you trying to say?"

"You can't mention this to anyone..." Her tone was sharp and controlled. "You don't talk about this ever. Got it?"

"Umm, okay?" What was going on?

"Zo, I'm serious."

"I know mom." I was worried now. How much money did we have? "What is it?"

"Your dad made a lot of money... and he was a smart investor," Mom started. "But all the investments are in his name only. And he lost on some of them, because of the tsunami."

"Okay, but mom, stocks rebound." I said hopefully.

"It doesn't matter, it's all in his name. I can't touch it. Unless... Unless I have him declared legally dead."

It started to sink in now. The situation she faced. Raising the three of us, paying for our school... "Oh." She'd taken months off after the Tsunami, and then she'd worked less, taking on the more routine surgeries so that she could help us all adjust. Surgeons made a lot of money on bonuses, but the type of work she was doing now wasn't really bonus-eligible.

"Derek was going to transfer money from his stocks into a college fund for Bailey after he graduated high school, but now..."

"But don't you have joint savings?" I asked hopefully. Dad had always tried to ensure that money would never be an issue for us, so I knew we had a giant emergency fund that mom could access at any time.

"I paid for mine and Ellis' therapy with most of that. It wasn't covered by insurance. And Bailey's car accident? I forgot to keep up with the payments on the insurance for the car so... all of that came out of pocket."

It seemed overwhelming. Were we running out of money? Were we going to lose our house? "We still have the house right?"

Mom smiled. "We'll always have the house Zo, It's paid in full."

"Oh thank God." I said with relief. "But Bailey-"

"I'm paying for his college through my retirement fund, until I decide... what to do."

"Oh Mom..." I said, suddenly aware of the complexities of the situation. Bailey was graduating in June, bound for some Ivy League school for sure- but mom wasn't getting any younger, and college wasn't getting any cheaper.

She put her arm on my shoulder, pulling me close to her. "It's okay Zo, I've got it handled."

"Okay." I sighed and took a sip of my hot wasn't my job anymore, to worry about her.

We sat there and looked at the stars for awhile.

"Zola?" Mom asked

"Yeah?"

"Thank you, for being so strong before. There were days, many days when I didn't know what I'd do without you. You took care of us, and I want you to know that I saw it. I noticed what you did and I'm... I'm so thankful I have you."

My chest tightened and my throat constricted. This whole thing had been hard on me, and I got through it by caring for everybody else, but there were days... times when I just felt invisible, like no one cared about me. To hear my mom say that she noticed... "You... have no idea how much I needed to hear that, mom." I whispered.

Mom got up and slid beside me on my chair. She took me in her arms and kissed the side of my head. "I love you and I'm so proud of you."

xxx

 **Next day. Qualicum**

 **Derek**

I put the truck in gear and headed down the road to Sarah's house. Today was the day. I was going to do it, I was going to talk to her and figure this whole stupid mess out. I had no choice if I wanted to move on, or move through... or whatever. I turned left at the intersection and traveled another block to make a right. I rumbled down the street and stopped when I approached the house. Carefully pulling the truck in to a spot across the street, I sucked in a nervous gasp of air before hopping out.

The humid air didn't help my nervous sweat and my pounding heart. I didn't even know what to say. I just hoped she'd give me a chance.

My finger found the doorbell and pressed. I waited. I thought I could hear noises in the house but I wasn't sure. I kept waiting and listening... I glanced back at the truck and willed my feet to stay rooted to the spot. I could hear something now... a woman talking to someone, footsteps, the turning of the deadbolt.

I swallowed.

The door swung open...

I was staring at the little boy I'd seen yesterday. I gaped. He was in his underwear and his yellow rubber boots. He stared at me and I at him.

"Benny!" A woman called. "Benny... I told you not to open the door to-" Benny's mother stopped when she recognized me- "Strangers."

I swallowed again, gathered my wits. Sarah must've moved out. But I still needed to know where she was. "Hi." I said, "Um, does Sarah still live here?"

Her eyes narrowed at me. "What do you want with my mother?"

"Um..." Mother? Was this... Sarah's daughter?

"Wait... You must be Michael," she nodded. "She told me you might come back."

xxx

I don't know how I found myself in the kitchen of my old house. Sarah's daughter Megan had somehow shoved a cup of coffee in my hands and I was seated at the kitchen table.

"Are you hungry? Can I make you something?" Megan asked, reaching into the fridge.

"I'm okay," I said. I was still sort of in shock. Sarah thought Megan didn't want anything to do with her. Now she was living in her house. And Megan had a son. I looked over to the living room where Benny played. Instead of rocks he now had lego spread all over the floor. He was still in his underwear though.

"Excuse me a second," Megan said. She disappeared for a moment and then returned with a childs pair of sweatpants. "Benny, you have to put some pants on now."

"No," he said, stacking his lego pieces in a tower.

"C'mon, we have company. You have to look decent."

He didn't respond, but allowed Megan to come over and put the pants on. He squirmed for a few minutes before Megan distracted him with more lego and the boy continued his stacking.

"I'm sorry about that," Megan said to me, sipping her own mug of coffee. "My son has autism."

"Autism?" the name sounded familiar.

"It's complicated, it's like a sensory disorder... and he fixates on things, like skipping rocks, and lego."

"Oh." I said.

"But enough about me," Megan said. "You probably want to know about Sarah right?"

 **A/N** Hmmm... interesting development here huh? What are your thoughts I wonder?


	20. Option B

**A/N:** Hey Guys! Thanks for sticking with this! Thanks everyone for your comments! They are what makes this possible! And thanks to people who have followed and faved this fic. I get an email alert when that happens, and I always check out your profiles, to get a sense of who my readers are... and my you are a diverse bunch! It really means a lot when my fic is added you your list!

Quick clarification on last chapter: Benny is not biologically related to Derek. He is five years old, and Megan's son. Megan is Sarah's estranged daughter. Megan has never met Michael Robertson.

Onward!

 **Qualicum, BC January 2031**

 **Sarah**

I swallowed hard as I stood in front of my house. I know who's inside. I know what he's expecting. But I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can lose him again. What do you do when you've started to believe the lie of a life you created? And what do you do when that lie is staring you in the face begging for answers, for truth?

I sucked in air to settle my stomach, not sure if it's my own anxiety or if it's the sickness inside of me. Cancer. For the last year, I'd been in and out of the hospital for treatments and chemo, but my prognosis isn't good. I'm dying.

Cancer was what got me into this mess. Cancer and a friggin' tsunami.

 **Two and a half years ago:**

 **June 14 2028. Tofino.** (two days before the tsunami)

" _Hey, you're home," I said as I entered the house. My husband of ten years, Mike, laid in his recliner, idly watching a baseball game._

" _Hey." Mike shifted in his chair, "We met our quota early."_

" _Umm, well I didn't know you'd be home so early... I don't have any dinner ready for you. Well, are you hungry, hon? I can make something for you." I offered._

" _Don't bother, I'm going out with John and the guys later."_

" _Oh... you know, I was thinking, we could get the hot tub going? Have some wine? Maybe not tonight, but tomorrow?"_

 _Mike looked at me blankly and shrugged. "Yeah, sure."_

" _Is something wrong? Do you have a problem with me?"_

" _Nothing..." He sighed. "I'm just tired."_

 _You're always tired, I thought to myself. You leave, you come back, flop on the couch have a beer and leave again. Just like that. And just like that I'm alone._

 _I struggled to say something. I wanted to confront him. Something is wrong. These last two years he's been acting like this, and I chalked it up to him just getting old. The fishing industry is hard. While we still have significant savings, it's because we saved, not because we make a crapload of money. My social work job takes care of most of the bills, and Mike's job is our retirement._

 _But I shut my mouth and go to our room instead. I have a small office in our room, and unpacked my files there. I noticed a flashing light on my answering machine. I pressed the button and listened. "Hello, this is Dr. Sands. We have your lab results. We need you to call us back immediately to discuss your diagnosis and treatment plan. You need to get in here right away."_

 _That night I stared at the ceiling as Mike lay beside me snoring away. It was back. The cancer was back. I had to go down to Victoria and talk about chemo and radiation. I hadn't told Mike yet. Was he in this? Would he be there for me again? Could he? I doubted it._

 _The next morning, I got up early. I grabbed eggs, flour, baking powder, milk, and started the routine that I'd done every morning for the last ten years. Buddy woke with me and padded to the kitchen behind me. He lay on the mat in front of the stove, his eyes watching me with sympathy. "Don't give me that look," I said to the dog. Buddy whined in response. I smiled slightly and shook my head._

 _The pancakes bubbled on the griddle and I looked up to see Mike enter the kitchen. "Good morning," I said._

" _Morning." He replied. He sat on the stool by the counter and held rested his chin in his palm._

" _Have a good time last night?" I asked._

" _Yeah. It was alright." There it was again. The evasiveness. The distance._

" _Mike...we need to talk."_

 _His eyes narrowed slightly. "What?" he asked, defensively. Like I was attacking him, accusing him. I fought the notion that there was someone else, another woman, but it wouldn't go away. Had he seen her last night? I was going to tell him about my diagnosis. About the phone call from Dr. Sands. But my insecurity lashed out first. "Is it... Are you seeing someone?"_

 _It all went to hell after I asked that question._

 _Accusations flew. We shouted. We ranted. Finally Mike said, "Screw the hot tub! Screw you! You're such a perfectionist! You keep me here, trapped! Well... I'm taking the boat, and I'm leaving!"_

" _Mike! Mike wait-" But then it was too late. In a few moments, he'd grabbed his duffle, still full of clothes and gear he needed for fishing and he was gone._

 _That day I left for Victoria. I sat on the exam table, draped in a gown. Dr. Sands sat beside me on his stool, looking up at me._

" _Well?" I asked. "Can you operate again?" That would be the best way. Just cut the tumor out of my pancreas like he did before._

" _Unfortunately, that wouldn't be the wisest thing right now... there's not much of your pancreas left right now._

 _I sighed, "So... Chemo?"_

" _Either chemo or radiation could be effective, but..."_

" _It's bad isn't it?" Pancreatic cancer was one of the worst. It was quick and deadly, and hard to detect._

" _Right now... the tumor doesn't appear to be growing, but in a year, this could get ugly. The prognosis isn't good."_

 _I thought about it. The cancer had been in remission the last two years. Things had been good.I fought it with sugery and intense radiation. I had traveled for treatments and stayed up at night with sickness. Now it was back. Did I want to do this again? I knew the odds. I had a five percent chance of surviving the next four to five years._

" _I don't know if I can go through this again," I'd fought before, I wanted to live. But now? Mike and I were on the rocks he was probably screwing someone else right now. I had a daughter, but I'd damaged that relationship badly and Megan never answered my calls despite my attempts..._

 _Dr. Sands handed me some pamphlets. "You need to think about this, this is life or death we're talking about here."_

" _What will my symptoms be if I choose not to take the treatment?" I asked. In other words, how long can I go until I croak?_

" _For now, your symptoms will be minimal if you manage your diet properly. There's some medication I can perscribe to help you with digestion. But I'm not sure how long this will last."_

" _Okay..." I whispered._

" _Look, I think you should talk to a counselor."_

" _No. No doctors, no counselors no treatments. I... I have to think."_

 _Dr. Sands looked disappointed. "There is one more thing I can reccomend. A trial drug, an oral medication, there's a chance that it can slow the growth of the tumor significantly. You will, however, have to strictly manage your diet."_

" _But it'll buy me time?"_

" _A year, maybe, we're really not sure."_

" _Okay. That sounds good. I can do that." A year. A year to salvage something from the wreckage maybe? A year to convince Mike to stay with me before I die? Then he could move on._

" _I'll write you a perscription."_

 _I stayed in Victoria that night. In the morning, my phone beeped with a text message from Mike... "I'm sorry. Talk later?"_

 _I chose not to answer it right away. Looking back, I wish I did. The Tsunami hit a few hours later._

 _The next two weeks were a blur for me as I became one of the many people searching for loved ones..._

 _But all hope died when I ran into John's wife._

" _Oh, Sarah..." she said. "John and Mike were together on the sailboat. John said- he said Mike went overboard and never came up. The wave... it was too fast- too hard. No one thinks he could've survived."_

 _It was worse than the news of my diagnosis. I shut my brain off. Stopped moving, stopped thinking. I kept staring at my phone, at the last message he sent me. Could we have made it right?_

 _And then my phone rang. It was work. They wanted me to help on some cases. I don't know why I agreed, probably to get my mind off things._

 _I wandered into Naniamo General Hospital, my case was a man with memory loss, no known family. How was I supposed to deal with that?_

" _Oh I feel so bad for the guy," A large red headed nurse commented to a co-worker, "Imagine waking up all alone and not even know who you are? Not being able to find your family?" She sighed._

 _As I stared at the manila folder and the case notes, an insane thought wiggled into my mind._

 _All rationality left my brain. I ripped up the papers in the folder and disposed of it into a large garbage bin, sure to cover it with larger bits of trash. All I could remember was the room number and the photo they'd taken of him. I walked through the chaotic hallways to his room, and glanced through the window. That man. That John Doe, needed a family. And so did I._

 _As I walked down the hallway, I forced myself to imagine...that John Doe was Michael. You are Michael Robertson, and I'm your wife..._

 **Now:**

Megan called me last night and told me that he was here. She'd been staying with me since Christmas. She finally decided to give me a chance. I had to admit that I'd sort of guilted her into it. Dying kind of did that to you. But when Benny's father left, she needed more stability, so we took the leap together.

So now I stood at the gate to the house that this _stranger_ and I had lived in for a year. A man I had forced an identity on. Megan didn't know the whole truth. As far as she knew this man had been my husband for ten years, but lost his memory in the tsunami.

I could only imagine what he was thinking or feeling right now. Did he get his memory back? Did he hate me now that I had ripped him from a family and life that wasn't my right to steal him from?

Did he care that I was sick? Megan told him I had cancer, but didn't give him any details. He didn't know how bad it was.

He'd been such a sweet and kind man. He'd tried to be close to me, but I couldn't allow myself. I felt that if I did, I would ruin something. There were days too, when I wanted to tell him. Just tell him the truth and set him free. Sometimes I would catch a far-away look in his eyes, like a thought or memory had come, and he would look at me as if he could see right through my facade.

But then... we'd go for a walk, or cook something together, or just sit out on the deck with a beer and the look would be gone. I would retreat to my lie. I lived in fear of the day that he would remember everything and reject me, so I avoided it.

And he noticed. So I told him a half truth. I didn't want him to remember. I wanted a do-over.

The pain in his eyes, the anger and confusion floored me. I thought that was it. He was leaving me. And then he came back. But when I thought things were going well, he left.

He was back. A few steps away and on the other side of the door. He wanted answers. Could I give them to him? Or would I succumb to my fears of rejection and abandonment? I pushed the gate open and walked up the step.

 **Derek**

I fumbled with the empty coffee cup I had in my hands. In a few moments, Sarah would be here. I had questions... and meeting Megan yesterday had only given me more questions. Sarah had cancer? How bad was it? How long? And then there was my own doubts. I'd had an affair, I was certain. I hurt her. But what about the boat? Did she know I had an affair? Who with? I needed her to tell me everything she knew about me. Everything. So I could dig myself out of this mess. So I could decide who I was. Who I wanted to be.

Movement caught my attention through the living room window. I heard steps up to the door, and then... silence. Waiting now, for the door to open. For Sarah to come through like she promised she would. Honestly I didn't think she would come in the first place. But, as Megan pointed out, this was her home, and she wouldn't run from it.

I waited.

More silence from the door.

Afraid that she'd bolt, I dashed to the door and swung it open. Sarah was there, stunned at my sudden action. We both stood there, speechless, staring at each other through the screen door. Sarah's appearance was awful. She'd lost weight, her curves much less pronounced, and her collarbone jutted out in an unhealthy way. Her tanned look was gone, her skin pallid and like a pale yellow. But it was her eyes that startled me the most. Gone was the complex vibrancy of her hazel mix, now I looked at a lonely faded brown.

"Come in," I said. Which was backwards and lame because _I_ was the guest. Sarah blinked and pulled open the door following me in. "Megan and Benny left for the beach," I said to answer an unasked question.

"Oh."

"She told me to tell you to text me when we're done."

"Oh," Sarah said again.

"Coffee?" I offered. Again, lame and backward.

"Chris..."

"Apparently, I'm supposed to call myself Michael." It was a passive aggressive blow I knew, and it had it's intended effect, Sarah slumped at the kitchen table, avoiding my gaze. I gave her a break and went to pour coffee, then remembered her fondness for tea, so I put some water on for tea and refilled my coffee. I took a seat across from her. "You have cancer."

"Yes..."

I opened my mouth to continue my questioning but she interrupted me. "Did you get your memory back?"

I paused, just what was she getting at? "Not completely, I've had... flashes."

"Okay," She said, and I wonder if that's relief that I hear in her voice.

Deciding to address the cancer thing later, I choose to take a different approach. "Last year, I got a call about the boat."

Sarah seemed confused, "The boat?" she asked.

"They found the boat in Victoria, which doesn't make sense, because I was found five hundred miles north of my boat."

"I don't know anything about that..." She said before a thoughtful look graced her features.

"What?"

"We were happy, we were getting to know each other, we were _trying._ And then you have questions about a boat? We were hit by a Tsunami!"

"You can't just put this aside, it's not possible for the boat to be in Victoria and me that far north of the island." I jabbed my index finger down on the table.

Sarah's mouth opened and closed for a moment. "Well, I don't know what happened okay? Maybe you lent it to a friend and went out on the water with someone else. How am I supposed to know? It's not like you _remember."_

The weight and whirlwind of her answer throws me off guard. She wasn't there, she doesn't know... but it wasn't really about the boat. It was my doubt. Painful unrelenting doubt that wouldn't subside, that I allowed to fester in my mind. But I wouldn't run this time.

I stood up and paced, "It's not about the boat, Sarah... It's the doubt. There are things... Memories and sensations and thoughts that just don't line up with what you've told me!" It all came to me now, how stupid and naive I'd been. "I think I have a daughter... and it's not Megan. I like scotch, but you always bought brandy. I'm supposed to be this great fisherman, but I can barely stand up straight on a thirty-footer. These things, and so much more! I have scars... did I ever tell you I was shot?"

Sarah started to pant with panic and I know I've got her. I know it. So I gave her a moment to collect herself. "Okay. I'll tell you everything, but you have to promise me something."

"Go on..." I said.

"Can you bring me some tea first?"

I must've been out of my mind because I poured her some tea and set it on the table in front of her. She held it with pale shaky hands and raised it to her lips. "You're going to hate me," she says after taking a few sips, "But I hope I'm a good judge of character, and I know you're a good man."

"I'm not sure I should promise anything." Bitterness coated my words, and in the pit of me, there's a blackness that I can barely hold down.

"Would you call yourself a man of your word?" Sarah asked.

"Of course."

"Okay. First I need to tell you about the cancer. I have pancreatic cancer. Short of a miracle, I'm dying. And I'm not telling you this for your sympathy, I'm telling you this so you understand my reason for doing what I did. Because... I betrayed you in the worst way, and I don't know if I can fix it."

The room was silent again as I stared at Sarah. I'm afraid now for what she's going to tell me. Because I now know I was lied to.

Sarah spoke again, "This is your out," She said, "If you don't want to know anymore- if you don't want to be attached to me anymore, then you should go now. We'll sign papers, you can take whatever you want and leave."

Sarah took another sip of her tea and put the cup down, "Or, I can tell you what you want to know... in exchange for your help in taking care of Megan and Benny and myself until I die."

"You can't do that... What? Are you trying to blackmail me?" It was like she was took my heart and stretched it in an attempt to rip me open. On the one hand, I could walk away from her, curious but clueless of the pain she claimed to have caused me.

On the other hand, she would tell me what really happened, but I would be attached to my promise, if I believed what she said about me, that I was a man of my word. And I wanted to be- I believed I was such a man.

"H-how long?" I asked. "How long do you have?"

"A year. Eighteen months, maybe."

Eighteen months with a woman I might hate because of something she did to me. Or I live with the doubt, and the questions for... who knows how long. "You said you weren't sure if you could fix it," I said slowly. Maybe there was something she could do to make this a better situation.

"Yeah..."

"I want you to promise that you'll try to fix it." Whatever it was she did, I wanted her to make amends somehow, and I also wanted another out. "And if you don't keep your end of the deal, niether will I."

Sarah almost dropped her cup on her lap. Her eyes widened in surprise.

"Well?"

"I'm assuming you want option B then."

I took another moment to think about it, then nodded solemnly. My gut twisted at my manipulation, but it was only fair wasn't it?

"I'll do what I can to fix it," she said.

"And I'll be here for eighteen months, or until you... whichever is- whichever comes first.

"Okay."

"Okay." I waited. Sarah took another long drink of her tea. "Oh, God... I'm so sorry."

"Just tell me."

"The truth is, Chris... if that is your name, is that you are not my husband. You never were. I met you the same day you met me at the hospital two and a half years ago. I was desperate and afraid and lonely, because my real husband died in that tsunami, and I'd just been diagnosed with a cancer that has a five percent survival rate.

"When I saw you, you looked so lonely and scared, you needed a family, and I needed a family... and I don't know what happened to me... I just- I imagined you were him- and well you know everything from there..."

I was still stuck on the first three sentences... I swore my heart stopped beating. I felt ice radiate through me. I glared at Sarah, and with words as cold as my chest, I said, "I don't think I am."

"What?" She asked.

"A man of my word." I spun on my heel and left.

 **A/N:** Okay... that was- what it was. So what will Derek do now? I know you guys don't like Sarah, and I'm not trying to make you sympathize with her or her situation- it was more like, what has to happen to you that will make you do such a terrible thing? And how does one justify it? Still, gotta admit, Sarah did end up telling the truth, and she did offer to help him right? Will Derek accept her offer? Or will he run away again and be McBroody? Stay tuned...


	21. Waiting for it to Pass

**A/N:** Wow! There was an amazing response to my last chapter, everybody had something to say about Sarah. Fascinating!

Big thanks to all the people who reviewed and left your thoughts mandyg67, Patsy, roganjalex, MerDer2015, ntlpurpolia, bonanos, and Hasi2012 and the Guest who reviewed my last chapter! I Appreciate it much more than you know!

In all honesty, some days it makes all the difference to hear from you and what you think!

This chapter was so hard to write... so very hard which is why it took so long. I had no clue what was next for Derek and how to put that across in a way that made sense. I hope I did this right... This story takes a lot more mental and emotional energy out of me than the others. I had a lot of inspiration from Joseph Arthur's song **In the Sun** , which was played by Aron Wright in Greys anatomy season 11. Also, Gavin Degraw **I Don't Wanna Be.**

 **This is Part One. Part 2 to follow...**

Let's catch up with Derek now... picking up several hours after last chapter.

 **Qualicum, January 2031**

 **Derek**

My head throbbed with pain I haven't felt since I could remember...ha ha. "Ohh," I groaned and winced. Moving only brought the painful realization that not only does my head hurt, but my back, shoulders, and neck. Everything hurt. Everything was sore. How did everything get so sore? Where the hell was I? What the hell did I do?

"Good, you're finally awake," a familiar low timbre rumbled.

"Mark?" I asked. What was he doing here? Wait, where was I again? I opened my eyes, oh the light! I covered my eyes with one hand and waved my other arm, trying to orient myself. Bad idea. I knocked something over, it landed with a thunk, and there was a glugging noise as liquid spilled to the floor. A second later the familiar waft of strong alcohol invaded my olfactory sense. "Crap."

"You drank _this_?" Mark asked. I heard the bottle scrape against the floor. He must've picked it up.

"What?" Drank what? What did I drink? It definitely wasn't scotch. I hoped it wasn't scotch. I just couldn't remember right now.

There was rustling noises, my blanket was pulled off me and I cringed at the sudden cold that greeted my lower body. I tried to blink again and got a blurry image of Mark on his knees beside me, using my blanket to absorb the liquor spill on the floor. Right. No one was really living here, why would I have cleaning supplies?

"You drank tequila?" Mark sounded like he was scolding a six year old for drinking coffee.

"I drank tequila?" I couldn't picture it, I wasn't a tequila person... why would I drink tequila?

"Yeah," Mark replied. "Really bad tequila... horrible cheap nasty tequila. This is like, college girl tequila,"

Oh God... "I don't remember..."

"You know that amnesia trick only works once."

Even in my hangover state, I wanted to laugh, but a strange urgent feeling ebbed in my stomach. "I-I have to-" Before I could contemplate anything more I dashed to the bathroom and hurled. After a few moments of hanging over the toilet empty and sputtering I collapsed on the floor, my head between my knees. The world blurred and spun around. My hangover headache doesn't allow me to move, so I'm stuck smelling mildly of sweat and vomit. I haven't felt this bad since I fell off a cliff.

Mark entered the bathroom offering a styrofoam cup of water and a couple aspirin. I accepted it, gratefully swallowing the pills and chugging down the water to relieve my dehydration. "More." I asked, holding the cup up. Mark filled the cup up from the bathroom sink and handed it to me.

"What the hell happened man?" He asked as he slid down the wall to sit beside me.

I'm at a loss for words."I-uh-" I've never been the stammering type. Somehow words always came at the right time for me, except for now. Memories started to surface about what happened yesterday, and with the memories came the feelings, which swirl uncomfortably in my mind and heart. "I confronted Sarah," I said finally.

Mark winced, "Oooh."

"Yeah... and I'm not him."

 _You're not my husband._

Confusion marked my friend's tan features, "Not who?" he asked.

"I'm not Michael Robertson," I said, both relieved and pained at the same time. Relieved because it made sense, now... there was no more disjointed painful doubts in my head. Pained because there was still a void. An ugly black hole that spun and threatened to consume. If I wasn't Michael Robertson, who was I?

Memories of the last day drifted into my mind:

The sound of the door slamming as I collapsed into my truck.

The pain of my palms and forearms from banging on the steering wheel in frustration.

The trail of dust behind me as I drove off, paying little attention to the speed limit as I wandered aimlessly on backroads of the island.

The feel of the cool dry bottle of tequila that I bought at the liquor store. I wanted to get drunk... nasty drunk, and although scotch was my preferred drink, I didn't want to ruin it by a bad binge. Scotch was my happy drink... so tequila was my poison.

 _Tequila's no good for you. Doesn't call, doesn't write. It's not nearly as much fun to wake up to._

Tequila was a cruel drink to wake up to. After my fourth shot, I don't really remember much... I couldn't fill my air mattress for some reason... and I went outside to look at the stars when it got dark... and I'm pretty sure I yelled and screamed profanities into the wind...

"Chris?" Mark asked.

My headache was only slightly abated by the aspirin. I rubbed my forehead. "Mark, I thought you were on holidays..."

He shrugged. "My family life sucks at the moment. I'd rather be here."

I sighed and rested my head on my knees. "Let's go back to Nanaimo."

xxx

The hot water from the bath soothed my sore muscles, and my headache slowly lifted, leaving me feeling only a little tired. I dried off, changed, and ambled to the living room where Mark laid on my couch, flipping through a magazine. "I'm going to the hospital... I really need to talk to Lynn."

"Why?" Mark asked.

Honestly I didn't know, except that she'd been there when the tsunami hit. Maybe she knew something, maybe she saw somebody who was looking for me... maybe... My shoulders released a shrug as I sputtered incoherently.

"Okay," Mark replied with a slow blink. It was something I liked about him, he didn't pry or hover, but he still looked out for me.

Nanaimo General Hospital seemed too small, the hallways were cramped and the elevators strangely claustrophobic. Despite this, somehow I found the smell of hospital antiseptic strangely manageable. I tucked that feeling away to analyse later and easily navigated to the cafeteria while sending a text to Lynn to meet me for lunch.

A quiet booth in the corner beckoned to me and I took a seat. My alcoholic binge left me without an appetite, so I didn't buy lunch, instead I stared at my hands, barely containing myself as the emotions I tried to forget began to rise again. I felt confused, hurt, betrayed, lost... and I just need _something._

"Hey," Lynn called, and I looked up to see her approach the table. In one hand she carried a metal coffee travel mug, from which a scent of hazelnut coffee drifted, her other hand clutched a tupperware container filled with salad. "Are you okay?" Although her smile is cheerfull, her eyes revealed worry. She knew of my plan to talk to Sarah, and no doubt my being here wasn't good. She sat across from me, ready to listen.

"I..." the words just vomit out. The whole story of my confrontation with Sarah. What she said... The lie of my life for the last two and a half years. Lynn stared back at me in shock as I explained the details of my circumstances. "Lynn, you were there when the tsunami hit... did anyone... was anybody looking for me?" I asked with thin and veiled hope.

Lynn sighed painfully and fiddled with the lid of her coffee mug. "It was so crazy there those first few weeks, I wasn't in charge of the phones..."

I blinked and licked dry lips. She must have noticed something right? A worried family member? A distressed spouse? "I know, I know. But please... can you tell me something?"

"All I remember is the patients I worked with. All of the John Doe's got identified except one, and he passed away," she shrugged, distressed at my urgency. "I'm sorry..."

"It's alright." I said. I just have this urge to go- to disappear, run... I don't know why. "I need to think."

Lynn grabbed my hand, "Wait, Chris-"

I can't think. I needed hope, and it wasn't here. "I just..." I ran my fingers through my messy curls and sigh with heaviness.

Lynn sighed with defeat too, and I know she wants to help but doesn't know how. "I have to get back to work, but we'll talk later? Please?"

"Okay."

I trudged out of the cafeteria, my heart and mind heavy. An emotional trainwreck. I wondered if there was someone is out there for me, waiting for me to show up at a door and knock. But at this very moment I am overwhelmed. I'm nothing. I'm nobody. Or I'm somebody that someone lost and they can't find me so they've given up, imagining me dead.

My feet wandered with my mind and I found myself in an unfamiliar hallway. Suddenly I'm pushed aside by an orderly.

"We have incoming! Five-year old male presenting with siezures-"

The double doors burst open and a stretcher is pushed through by two paramedics surrounded by a couple nurses, a doctor and a concerned parent. "Oh God, please help him... please. Benny's only five years old."

In the second it took for the stretcher go by, I see a shock of reddish brown hair and yellow rubber boots. Megan's frantic expression catches my attention while her hands are pulled off the stretcher by an orderly, "Miss, you need to wait out here. Let them do their jobs."

"No-no-no!" Her high pitched and panicked voice was jarring. For a moment my own emotional mess was put on hold as my focus narrowed on the boy on the gurney. He's unconscious and pale. Seizures? What kind of seizures? Is this expected for a child with autism? What is the cause?

"I'm sorry miss-" The orderly interjects, still pulling on Megan as they manuever the stretcher to a trauma room.

"He has autism," Megan said, ignoring the orderly. "He's never done this before."

I blinked and saw something in my minds eye...

 _A flash of curly blonde hair, an oxygen mask._

" _He's six... he just collapsed, I think it's heat stroke. He- he threw up before."_

" _It's alright, please step back and let us do our jobs... we'll ask you if we need to know anything."_

" _But-I"_

" _We're very good at our jobs sir..."_

" _We were on vacation-I I can't leave him alone, he'll be so scared..."_

" _It's alright, we'll let you see him in a moment."_

"Megan," instinctively I reached for her shoulder, shocking her from her intense focus on her son. She pulled away, blinking rapidly when she recognized me.

"What- What are you doing here?"

"It's okay, let them work, okay?" Somehow I feel her pain and uncertainty, it's familiar, like I've been there...

 _We need to save her life. You can't do this. We need to do this. Now go._

"But he'll be so scared," Megan whimpered.

I glanced through the window of the trauma room, where the team worked on her son. Benny seemed very dazed, his eyes roaming around the room, seeing but not seeing. I knew he wasn't fully conscious and his mother's worry could upset him. "Benny's in good care... let's just- lets sit here," I motioned to a chair in the hallway.

"O-Okay."Megan obeyed, trembling.

I sat beside her in a show of support.

"We were collecting shells..." Megan began, "And then he looked at me funny and started to-"

"Seize?"

Megan nodded, her tearstained cheeks flushing anew. "Some children with autism do... it's just- it's never happened before. Seeing him like that – I..." She trailed off.

"It's okay." I said and patted her forearm. It seemed like a trite offering. I didn't know Benny or Megan. I didn't factor in their lives- but still. I remembered watching him on the beach, skipping rocks with such surety and excitement, and I wondered about my own past, was fatherhood part of the picture there? Was Ellis in that picture? Or was it just a warped dream of a dead fantasy?

Whether it was or wasn't, I felt I should stay for Megan right now.

"I'm sorry about my mom," she was saying, as I tuned back into her rambling, "what she did to you- I, I didn't realize she was so lonely and messed up."

I blinked at her confession, "Sarah told you?" I choked out.

Megan nodded.

All the feelings I held back for the last few minutes were rolling back in, and I couldn't help but feel another pang of betrayal. "I have to go..." I said. I couldn't get close to anyone anymore. I didn't have the energy.

xxx

Somehow I ended up back at my houseboat. I didn't remember driving there. Mark's still in the living room, watching sports on the satellite television, his eyes glazed over. I got the impression he had a bad time visiting his family.

Without saying anything I went out and unhooked the lines that moored us to the dock, turned the motor on low and pulled the boat out. I just needed a little space.

Mark found me later on the deck as I cast. He popped the cap off a bottle of beer and handed it to me wordlessly. I sipped the bitter beverage and set it down to focus on my line.

"Nothing?" He asked after a while. I wondered if he was talking about fishing or my hopeless conversation with Lynn.

It didn't matter. "Nothing." I said.

"Not even a bite?"

"Not one." I reeled my line in, sat down and took another swallow of beer.

Mark sipped his beer too, his gaze far off, watching the sinking sun on the overcast skyline. He picked up a spare rod, threaded it with some kind of lure and cast it effortlessly in the deep depths of the waters. " _Can't_ give up that easily," he smirked.

Later as I motored the boat back to the docks, I saw bright LED headlights near my spot. Someone was waiting for me. The lights were too bright and I couldn't make out who would be parked there. But a second later, they blinked off and I saw a familiar slight shadow. Lynn.

"Hey!" she called. "I was texting you."

"I shut off my phone," I called back, picking up the lines needed to secure my boat to the dock.

"Toss me your lines, I'll help you." I did so, and Lynn moored the boat into place.

"Hungry?" I asked, "Mark caught a fish."

"Okay."

I didn't even know what kind of fish it was really, but it didn't look weird or toxic, so I quickly prepared it and breaded it with a mix I came up with myself. It felt second nature to me. Hunger growled in my stomach for once today.

The three of us sat together over dinner at the counter in my kitchen. Finally Lynn put her fork down and looked at me hopefully.

"What?"

"I talked to Dr. Hovan... He said you should do a DNA test." She sipped her water and watched me, but my brain was working too hard at comprehending what she was saying for me to respond. "There's a national database," she continued. "Relatives of missing families sent in DNA samples to match with their loved ones."

I swallowed as it started to hit me. Could it be that a piece of my DNA was floating out there in some lab, just waiting for a match? "So..."

"They could've put the DNA through." Lynn suggested.

Hope fluttered in my heart like soap bubbles, I breathed short shallow breaths as I looked at my friends. It seemed unreal. So sudden, so predictable. Of course, there'd be a database. It never occured to me before, because until yesterday, I thought I was someone else. But now I wasn't him. I was a nobody. But a nobody who might be someone's somebody. I held my breath and prayed my soap bubbles wouldn't burst.

"I can collect your DNA and send it in," Lynn said. "But it will take a few months. There's tens of thousands of samples it has to be compared to."

A few months, for a DNA test. A few months to wait before the bubble bursts. I swallowed my fear... A few months to figure things out, try and remember. "Okay."

Lynn grinned, "I have a kit in my car, I'll be right back." She placed her empty plate in the sink and dashed out the door, leaving me with Mark.

I pushed the last piece of fish around on my plate.

"Aren't you happy?" Mark asked. "This could be your chance. And it's DNA. DNA doesn't lie."

I sighed glumly. "I want to be happy, but..."

 _I have a feeling..._

 _I get those..._

 _And?_

 _If you wait long enough... It passes._

Believing Mark should be easy. He's right, DNA doesn't lie. I know that. But after the crushing I recieved from Sarah... I'm scared. The fear of putting my life out there again is paralyzing.

While I pondered this, Lynn was already swabbing my cheek with a Q-tip. She plunked it into a plastic tube and labled it. "Okay," Well, I'll send this in tomorrow... and then we'll just have to wait."

I smiled.

Wait... Wait for it to pass.

xxx

The grocery store was nearly void of customers. On Sundays, an hour before close, this was to be expected. I was just picking up milk and cereal for breakfast tomorrow morning. I forgot I ran out of Muesli yesterday and was forced to have Mark's lucky charms this morning, which was just too sugary for my tastes. I handed the cashier my wad of cash and collected my change.

As I wandered out the door, I stopped to check out the community bulletin board. Sometimes interesting things were for sale there. That's when I saw it. A missing persons poster. A young woman in her twenties had gone missing a month ago. I looked at the picture of her smiling eager face, and my heart constricted. Of course. Why hadn't I realized this before? Was I so naive?

I hadn't gone to the police. Surely someone filed a report.

The exterior of the Nanaimo police station seemed meek and mild. Once I got inside, however, I didn't know what to do. I rubbed my face nervously and tried to stay calm. The front desk of the police station is concave and three high desks were seperated with glass. On the right, a man argued with a clerk about a speeding ticket. The clerk on the left was furiously typing data into the computer while the one in the middle raised his eyebrow at my entrance. He's a young man, barely over twenty, still baby-cheeked and innocent. "Can I help you?" he asked.

I cleared my throat roughly, "I need to speak to someone in charge of missing persons?" I croaked out.

"Okay..." The man said. "You have information on a missing person?"

I glanced at him nervously, wishing he wasn't so young... and male. I wanted someone with empathy and life experience. Not some wanna be cop. "I think I'm a missing person," I said.

"You think _you're_ a missing person..." he intoned with disbelief, pointing the end of his pen at me.

"Yes." I said simply. "Look, just get me whoever's in charge of that alright? I need to- I need to know- Someone's probably looking for me, and I need to find them!"

"Umm"

His hesitation led me to my breaking point . There's no more time for hesitation. I hesitated for two and a half years... I couldn't do it any more, not one more second. "Don't 'um,'" I snarled. "Just get me whoever's _fucking_ in charge."

That didn't help.

"Uhh," he said nervously. My outburst caught the other clerk's attention and she leaned forward attentively.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "I need to speak to someone in missing persons please. I have information on a missing person." That would be me.

A few minutes later, I'm led to a small office in the back of the station and introduced to Officer Pearson.

Pearson's premature thinning grey hair and slightly unkempt appearance do not convey much hope to me. His desk is littered with paperwork and manila file folders. The computer on his desk is old and dusty.

"So how can I help you?" He asked.

I hated lying, but I didn't think I'd be taken seriously if I told people that I lost my memory.

"I'm looking for my brother... he uh, I lost him in the tsunami."

"Alright, what's his name?"

Crap. I sucked at lying.

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm the missing person. I lost my memory... I need you to do a search."

"Okay... what's your name?"

I laughed at the absurd question. "What's my name? Hah! That's what I'm trying to find out." Dumbass.

Pearson appeared so out of his element, as if he'd never encountered an unusual experience in his life. "Umm, okay..."

Frustrated, I jabbed a finger on the desk. "Look, if I meant something to anybody at all, they would've filed a report right? Isn't there a picture or something you can compare me to? A description, anything?"

"Right, okay." He took a hesitant sip of his coffee and started to ask me a series of questions to narrow down the search.

Height?

5' 10"

Weight?

170lbs

Age?

60-ish

Distinguishing marks?

Scars... on my chest and forearm.

Where was I found?

North of here.

What hospital did I stay in?

Nanaimo General.

The information is compiled into the computer database. Pearson took a picture of me too and uploaded it for a facial recognition check.

I waited.

 _Wait for it to pass._

I felt like I was going to burst with anxiety as the computer seemed to hem and haw. Suddenly it beeped, and Pearson jerked. He wiped his eyes tiredly and printed something off.

"Well," he said, looking at the paper instead of me. "I don't really know how to say this... but there isn't a match for you here."

"What?"

Pearson didn't speak, he stared at the computer for a minute. "I'm just going to..." he moved the mouse a few times and clicked, "try something here..." Again the computer hemmed and hawed, but the beep didn't startle me this time. Numbness started to creep through me. I swallowed. Did he find them?

"Mister..."

"Chris." I said automatically. I rubbed my sweaty palms on my jeans and tried to curb my growing anxiety. _Well?_

"Bottom line, Chris... I can't find you in the system. Your photo doesn't match anything we have on file... and while a couple of people matched your physical description, they were found far south of the border and the pictures didn't match. I tried to broaden the search, removing your scars as identifying marks, but..." he shook his head, "Again, we can't match your picture with anything in our files. I'm sorry, there's nothing here."

"What... how... how is that possible?"

Pearson shrugged, "It was a confusing time. A lot of paperwork, a lot of power outages and server glitches. If someone made a file, it may not have been uploaded, or it may have been accidently deleted." He sighed sadly, obviously seeing the pain and despair on my face. "I really am sorry," he said.

It wasn't enough. Sorry wasn't enough.

The feeling wasn't passing.

 **April 2031 Nanaimo.**

For the last four months I wallowed. It's been months since that moment at the station. My place was a mess, I'm a mess...

The only pleasure I have right now is learning how to sail. My boat _Ellis_ , has been taken out of drydock and I started taking short trips out along the coast with it. The expanse of the ocean as it swells around me keeps me hopeful that maybe the DNA test will come through. Maybe there is someone that will recognize me on the other side of the door.

After a tiring day out sailing I came home and crashed on my couch, resting my arm on my forehead. On the coffee table was a book I bought a week ago. _Your Child and Autism._

I bought it at a used bookstore. Which are rare sights, since most books are downloaded these days. I bought it thinking of Benny, and as I skimmed it, I found the information fascinating. The brain... there is something about the study of disorders and syndromes and neurons and synapses that I've really been interested in lately, though I don't exactly know why.

I persued the book, making notes in the margins, when I heard a loud crash.

"Chris! Chris!"

I dropped the book, confused and worried. Lynn burst through the entrance to my houseboat. "I got the results back! The DNA! I got it!" She threw me the envelope.

I grabbed it and tore it open, pulling a single white page out. I stared at it, but in my excitement I couldn't make sense of what it said. I handed it to Lynn. "What does it say?"

She unfolded the paper, her eyes skimming the contents of the letter. Her hand went to her mouth and she sobbed.

"What..." I started. Did she find it? Was I a match? Those were happy tears right?

"Inconclusive." She sobbed.

"What?" Inconclusive? What the hell did that mean?

Lynn swallowed and cleared her throat. "It says that one of the labs suffered a fire, and the resultant damage caused by sprinklers and smoke may have interfered with DNA samples previously collected, as well as the data they kept on file."

"So they don't know if I match to anyone?" I asked hollowly. I can feel it, my heart slowly sinking, dying... I wondered if getting shot felt better than this.

"I guess that's what inconclusive means." Lynn whispered, as the letter slipped out of her hands and fell to the floor uncermoniously.

 _I have a feeling..._

 _I get those sometimes._

 _And?_

 _If you wait long enough... It passes._

Yeah fucking right.

 _ **To Be Continued...**_

 **A/N:**

Aaah! I broke Derek! But now I can put him back together! I had to do this because I plan on finishing this chapter of Derek's life and bringing him around full circle. **Next chapter will be up tomorrow or the next day** as to Derek's response to this. Time for a fresh start maybe?

You will find out more much later about why they couldn't find any information on him in their database... All I can say is... it was a freakin Tsunami! Mistakes and technical problems happened. Unfortunately it happened to MerDer.

Also be on the lookout for updates to **Growing Pains** and **Lost and Found,** I should have them posted within the week.

Thanks! Please Review!


	22. You're You

**A/N:** Continued immediately from last chapter.

 **April 2031**

 **Naniamo BC**

 **Derek**

 _Spinning- spinning falling swirling in a dark vortex of- all consuming black. I couldn't breathe._

 _I'm disappearing into the murky debris filled water_

 _It's like I was drowning..._

"Chris?"

The voice echoed in my ears, soft but concerned.

"Chris?"

I blinked, and the spinning stopped as I focused the blur in front of me.

"Are you okay?" The blur said.

I blinked again, the blur was familiar. It was Lynn.

Inconclusive, she'd said only moments ago... something about fire and sprinklers and... That feeling was there, in the bottom of my heart, a crushing ache. Nobody was looking for me. I was nobody before the tsunami, and I was nobody now.

Right?

"Maybe you should sit down- here-" I felt myself being gently pushed backward until the backs of my knees hit my recliner and bent.

A heavy groan escaped my lips. "I think I just need some time..." I managed to say.

"I know... it's okay. It's okay Chris, it will be."

But it wouldn't be. I was nobody- right?

xxx

 **June 2031**

It seemed as though I blinked and I'd leaped ahead through time. The days between April and June were blurry and insignificant.. Nothing seemed important anymore, Time flitted and slipped and spun in an incoherent maze. I didn't do anything, I hardly worked, only odd jobs here and there for income as I needed, and I in my spare time I read and researched everything about the brain and memory.

Piles of books and articles were scattered around my living room. But still- nothing came to me. I couldn't remember.

But there was still stuff I had to deal with. Although I was living in my houseboat, there was still the other house. I decided I would sell it. It just needed a little work.

The drive up to Qualicum was trepiditous. Sarah still lived there, though I hadn't spoken to her since she told me who I wasn't. If I saw her today, I didn't know what I would say.

I walked into my empty, barren house. This was where I wanted to start over. This was where I was to begin my life again... but through twisted turns, I felt this was where it ended. The walls were blank white slabs of drywall, fixtures and electrical needed to be hung and installed, and the flooring needed to be finished. I wrote up a list of materials that I would need to purchase to finish the job.

Before I left I stood out on the unfinished deck to take a look at the view. The house rested on a modest piece of property, not completely in the middle of nowhere, but far enought that the nights were dead quiet and the lights from the nearby town didn't interefere with the view of the stars. While the front was nothing spectacular, the rear of the house revealed lush green fields, tapering off to a sandy spot of beach. It could've been perfect.

 _We stay here. We work here. We move into that beautiful house you built us!_

But it wasn't. My life is a shattered mess under the thick weight of a Tsunami. I'm drowning.

xxx

The painted name on the side of my sailboat is a smooth indentation. I stroked it again, as if doing so will conjure a genie or something. Ellis. Was she real? Did I have a daughter named Ellis out there? Or was it just a mindbending construct of my desire to be wanted? Something I learned during my research, that people with memory loss aren't always able to discern the difference between real memories and constructs. But the more I stared at the handwritten name, the more it seemed that Ellis was a part of me somehow.

Out on the water, I struggled to manuever the boat, practicing tacking and jibing, turning the boat to take advantage of the direction of the wind to get me to my destination. My muscles tired, I Ifinally set a course where the wind can push me easlily while I rest. When I look out to shore, I see two figures walking out on the beach. One chasing the waves, the other pacing slowly back and forth. Benny and Megan.

I recalled the day I saw them at the hospital and I regretted leaving her there. I could've stayed a few more minutes, at least to see if Benny was okay, but I was such an emotional wreck at the time. I swallowed heavily. I could at least talk to her. It wasn't Megan's fault Sarah was... the way she was. They were innocents in all of this, really.

After gazing wistfully at the vast expanse of the bay, I turned my sails, and let the wind push me to the dock. I had to make this right.

Benny looked like he grew a couple inches, and his facial features were more defined. He spun, arms out and head back as he whirled faster and faster. Megan shook her head at his antics, seeming absorbed in her son's blissfull ignorance of the situation.

She saw me in the distance and looked away, but made no move to leave. "Hey," I greeted Megan gently. "How is he?" I nodded my head to the boy while tucking my hands in my pockets.

"He's... better. They said it's common for him to have siezures. They gave me some medication for it."

I nodded, remembering the book I bought before. It was out of date, but that didn't disuade from the facts that seizures were far more common in children with Autism than the regular population. "Hm." I said.

But then I had to ask, "You still staying with Sarah?"

"Yeah..." Megan sounded weary. She sat down on a large driftwood log and crossed her arms.

"Is..." I couldn't finish the sentence. Although I still held a lot of anger and bitterness at Sarah, I didn't wish her to be sick and dying.

Megan picked up on my question, and answered quickly. "She's very sick, It's hard... seeing her like that. Benny's been acting weird around her. I think he knows... she's dying."

A sudden strange feeling overcomes me. The need to protect.

 _I was holding you so tight you wouldn't budge- You were so little. I think that's what I've always wanted all these years, is you just to stay little and quiet and safe._

 _I don't want you to know that pain exists._

My hand went to my chest automatically, as if comforting phantom pain.

Suddenly her phone rang, the ringtone jarring against the sound of the crashing waves. Megan pulled it out and sighed heavily. She huffed and stood up, answering the phone. "Hey mom..." she started, but I don't hear the rest as she stepped away.

Instead I watched Benny as he dug in the sand, obsessively searching for the perfect rock to skip against the waves.

 _I want more... more this... more us... I want to have more._

 _Another baby?_

 _Sure._

 _Uh, Seriously?_

My thoughts drifted to a far away land, to a man with a house and kids and a dog, and a promising career, and then... out in the distance, a big black wave churned... blocking the sun from the happiness.

"Man?" A tiny voice asked.

The image in my head of the wave collapsed and coalesced into the form of Benny's face as he stood in front of me, uncomfortably close.

Reflexively, I pulled back, blinking.

Benny doesn't seem offended, "Who is that man?" he asked Megan, although his gaze was on me.

"Benny, this is... um-"

"Chris." I said quickly, "My name is Chris."

"My name is Chris," Benny repeated. He stared at the ground with a finger on his lips as he swayed side to side on his tiptoes. "My name is Chris. Hello Chris, my name is Benny. What's your name? My name is Benny. Hello Benny, how are you? Hello Chris my name is Benny, how are you?"

I smiled at his curious way of repititious parroting. Obviously he was working on his social skills, trying to put words in the correct order and determine meaning. "I'm good, Benny, how are you?"

"Oh, I am good too," he murmured, still avoiding eye contact.

"Okay," I said.

"Rock," Benny said, showing me a rock he found in the sand.

"Oh yes," I held it up and examined it. "I think this is a very good rock, are you going to skip it in the water?"

"Skip it," he said, taking it from my grasp and running down to the water again, where he skipped the rock into the water.

I watched him intently for a few minutes, as Benny dug in the sand for another rock. I felt... heartsick suddenly. As if I was missing something. A piece of me.

"I think I might... go back home," Megan sighed. I heard the exhaustion and frustration in her voice. "I think this might just be... too much."

"Wait- wait," I blurted.

 _I don't want you to be alone... If something happens..._

Megan looked confused.

I honestly don't know what came over me to offer that to her. "Look, I don't trust Sarah, and I don't particularily like her. But... I'm not a bad guy... I want to do the right thing. If you stay at my house you'll have some space and Benny won't have to see his grandmother sick, and you'll still be close by to care for her if anything happens."

The shock on the young mother's face is replaced with uncertainty "What about you?"

I rubbed the back of my neck. I hadn't thought about it, before I blurted. "Don't worry about it., I have my houseboat."

"Really? I don't know- I-"

"Just think about it, I won't put my house up for sale until you telll me what you want to do."

I typed my number into her phone. "Call me."

xxx

 **Nanaimo, BC Houseboat January 2032**

I was awakened early in the morning by loud pounding on the window of my bedroom. Did Mark get drunk again? I wondered. "Coming," I said, climbing out of bed.

Megan's worried face greeted me when I opened the door. In one hand she gripped a flashlight, the other a child's backpack. A sleepy Benny leaned against her side.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" I asked, pushing my crazy curly locks out of my eyes. What could possibly be happening that Megan would show up here now?

"It's mom," Megan exclaimed. "They took her to the hospital- can I leave him with you?"

I shifted my gaze from Megan to Benny who rubbed his eyes and smacked his lips. "I- um okay."

"Okay, good..." She handed me a backpack, "he's a really picky eater except for mac and cheese, so I brought food that he likes and some of his toys... also there's his pressure blanket if he gets upset, you can give him this and..."

"Shh, it's okay, I'm great with kids."

"You are?"

I am? "Yeah no problem."

"Okay... okay, well I gotta go... um, I shouldn't be gone too long. Maybe until this afternoon?"

"Just give me a call," I reassured, stepping back to allow them in.

Megan visibly relaxed, "right, okay." She bent over and spoke quietly in the boy's ear. Benny nodded and shuffled inside as Megan waved goodbye.

It was still early so I nestled Benny on the couch, happy to be covered in couch cushions and blankets, he napped.

Later that morning, I fed him some cereal that Megan packed in his bag. He seemed a little lethargic so I found a movie on the television, an ancient rerun of finding Nemo. It must have been one of his favorites because he started to repeat nearly every line from the movie.

"Maybe he only speaks whale! Weee neeeed tooo fiiind hiiis soooon, Caaan youuuu giive uuus direeeectioooons?" Benny imitated, drawing out every vowel. "Maybe I should try humpback! Wooo! Wooo!"

Laughter broke through my lips as I allowed Benny to push my sadness away.

xxx

 **June 5 2032 Qualicum**

My small two- person sailboat named Ellis rocked in the water. Benny sat on the end with his orange life jacket and child's fishing pole. I cast my line out again... reflecting. I told Megan I would not be attending Sarah's funeral, and that Benny and I would instead be out here, on the water, where everything started. I was back at the start.

 **Five days ago Victoria:**

I paced the hospital hallway, running my hand through thick grey-black locks that were reaching the point of unmanageableness. God, I needed a haircut. "Where is she?" I asked a familar looking nurse passing by.

 _That is not the 'she' he is looking for._

"Oh, Mrs. Robertson? The doctor is speaking to her daughter right now."

"What?"

"I really can't say anything more."

"O-Okay."

I'd just arrived, as per Megan's text. Basically, this was it. Sarah was dying. It was only a matter of time.

I waited, thankful that Benny was fast asleep on the waiting room chairs. Finally Megan arrived, her face tear stained and raw.

"She wants to talk to you," she said.

I shook my head. "No," I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

"Then why are you here?" Megan asked.

I looked at Benny, peacefully sprawled on the chairs. "For him. To bring him to you. Because you asked."

Megan sighed and looked at her fingers. "Look, maybe that's what you've been telling yourself but that's not it. You need to make your peace. She hurt you. She ruined you... you need to say your peace."

"If I go in there... I don't think I can control what I'm going to say..."

"She's dying, the doctors don't think she'll make it through the night. It doesn't matter."

"I..."

"Chris, a few weeks ago... she was working on something, ever since you left she's been a little obsessed. She was making phone calls and stuff, about you... I think she was trying to help you. You need to talk to her."

I shook my head vehemently and crossed my arms. "I don't want to hear anything she has to say," my voice shook with anger and bitterness.

Megan rubbed my back, guiding me to a chair"I think she was trying to find your family." Megan nearly whispered.

I didn't believe her. It was a lie. I'd already been to the police. I'd already done DNA. I had no one. "How... how could she? Why?"

"I can't answer that... go before it's to late. For you, not her." She sank into the chair and pulled her son close to her.

I swallowed, considering her offer. I looked at Benny, tucked in a fetal position over two chairs, his head on Megan's lap.

 _Ellis!_

 _Dad!_

 _I think I have a daughter..._

The thought of the possibility that there might be a chance- I had to take it. Hope grew in my heart again, though it was faint, and i couldn't acknowledge it. "Which room?"

"2217" Megan replied.

Walking over, my feet scuffed unnaturally on the lineolium and entered her room. whatever preconcieved notions I had of someone lying on their deathbed was shattered by what I saw.

Sarah looked inhuman. Her skin yellow, pale and gaunt. The IV in her skin was surrounded by a purplish bruise. She was gasping short shallow breaths. her eyes flickered open upon hearing my entrance. "Oh..."

Oh indeed. All these things were bottled inside me. How much I hated her, what she took from me... what I lost, but words escaped me as I appraised her skeletal frame covered with faint blue sheets.

I wobbled and sat down on the chair in front of her. There were no cards at her bedside, no flowers. No tokens dotted the room, no pictures, cards or flowers... except a couple pictures Benny must've drawn with crayon. One picture rested on her nightstand of him and Megan, on the beach... In the background, my houseboat floated on the ocean, and I was on top, holding a fishing pole. Huh.

Sarah gasped and brought me back to reality. My mouth went dry, I couldn't speak.

"I'm... sorry." she said simply.

"I didn't come here to make _you_ feel better." I snarled, unable to hold back the black wrenching feeling in my heart.

"If I could...do it again... she shook her head with regret, "I never... would've."

"Well, it's done."

Sarah swallowed. If she could cry, I'm sure she would at this point, but there was no more energy left in her for that. I reached for the cup on the bedside table to offer her some water but she refused. "In the drawer..." she mumbled.

I pulled it open and shuffled through the assorted books, puzzles and pens. Underneath it all was a large yellow envelope. "What is this?" I asked.

"I tried... to find..." her eyes closed as she struggled to remain awake.

I pulled out the contents of the envelope. A collection of looseleaf papers, notes scribbled hastily on them spilled onto my lap.

"What's this?" I asked louder, almost yelling.

Sarah's eyes snapped open, her gaze unfocused. She took another breath. "I called... police... hospitals... tried to backtrack... to find... where... who... I think... I found..." she closed her eyes again to focus on breathing.

I shuffled through the papers, glancing at the detailed notes. On the last page was a name and an address. I didn't understand that she could find anything that the police couldn't. "I already checked with police." I said, "I did a DNA test."

Sarah sighed and rubbed her forehead."It was a Tsunami..." she said, "People were overworked, tired... mistakes happened... glitches... server crashes."

I looked back at the name and address. "You think this person is my family?"

"I don't know... maybe... maybe not."

She was lying to me, I was sure of it."I can't trust you." My tone was sharp and cutting. Sarah wanted to offer me this as some sort of peace offering... so she could feel better or _something._

"I dont... want to hurt you again." she whispered. "Not a lie."

"You ruined me!" But it doesnt matter anyway. No one wants me... no one is looking for me. My shoulders slumped in defeat.

Then I felt her cold clammy hand on my forearm, squeezing. I glared at her but didn't pull away. "I regret what... I did to you...but... I don't regret... knowing you." she gasped again.

I opened my mouth to speak but she shook her head. "You were... fresh, new." Her eyes brightened slightly as if recalling a distant memory. I heard her swallow, part her lips, "You're sixty years old... someone wants you... you belong..."

Not able to watch her suffering anymore, I stared at the name and address among the loose pages. Suddenly Sarah's grip went slack and fell from my forearm. "Sarah?" I shook her, but there was no movement. She wasn't breathing! Suddenly, a nurse ran in followed by a doctor and Megan.

"Mom..." Megan called out, as the care team surrounded the bed.

In a daze, I backed out of the room. Sarah was dead.

xxx

 **June 7 2032**

The house was tiny, maybe seven-hundred square feet at best. Wooden window shutters outlined the tiny windows and cracked green wood siding. I checked the address and name, again on the loose leaf paper. With shaky hands I knocked on the door. Movement from behind the door caused me to look up from my trembling hands. The door opened and a tired woman in her fifties gazed at me with confusion.

I looked at her, hoping that her confusion would turn to recognition. But it didn't. "Yes?" She asked.

"Umm..." I looked at the name on the looseleaf paper. "Kathryn Simmons?" I asked.

"Yes?"

"Your husband... Paul," I started, swallowing as the realization hit me that I wasn't him. I wasn't the man she was looking for.

Her hand went to her mouth suddenly, "Did you find him? Is he-"

My heart broke. I waved my hands suddenly, trying to backtrack. "Nevermind, I'm sorry... I don't have any news..." I stepped back off the porch. My feet just hit the pavement when Kathryn called out-

"Wait," she said.

I half turned to her, not willing to look up at her pained features. She stepped out of the doorway onto the porch wrapping herself in her housecoat.. "You're him aren't you? A woman called, Sarah. She said you lost your memory."

This time I turned fully to her, meeting her gaze.

"Don't give up..." Kathryn shook her head. "You can't give up. every day I lose a piece of my heart... thinking paul is dead. There is someone out there, looking."

"No." I said hollowly... "If there is... or was... they've given up. They stopped."

She stepped down and fiercely grabbed the lapel of my jacket, pulling me to her level. "How do you know for sure? You need to try to remember... you can't give up so easily."

I thought about what I'd been through... all the lies, All the deception. The terror of laying my heart out for someone to stomp on. The feeling of doing this again and not truly knowing if I belonged- If I could ever belong... was traumatizing. "It's just.. it's not that easy." With that, I walked away.

xxx

The night was clear and the stars were out. I was exhausted and didn't want to drive back to Naniamo in the dark. Qualicum was closer and I sent Megan a text to let her know I would be dropping by to crash for the night.

The house was lit softly as I padded inside. Although it was night now, there was still a warm humid feel in the house and I decided to cool off outside on the deck.

I leaned back on a reclining patio chair, a few candles that had been previously lit on the railing were know flickering, almost to the bottom of their wicks. I didn't want to give up. I felt like there was something out there... but... I wanted to remember for myself. I wanted to know for myself, who I was... At least have something. So the next time someone said _it's me, I'm your wife..._ I'd know.

So... at this very moment, caught in the crucible of myself I gave up on finding anyone. I gave up on trusting anyone...

I would have to be alone in this. Until...

My eyelids heavy with exhaustion, closed. I drifted...

 _\- And you saved me._

 _I stood in an empty field in the dark, except for the flicker of candles at my feet and the distant twinkle of stars. My breath hitched with expectation, something happened here... something important._

" _Champagne?" A soft flirty voice asked._

 _I turned to the voice, but I couldn't see anyone. "What's going on?" Suddenly I felt something in my hand, an overflowing champagne glass, the bubbly liquid dripping over the side and leaving my fingers sticky._

" _Who are you?" I called out._

" _Your subconscious, silly."_

" _Oh. You again."_

 _A sigh. "Me again."_

 _I swirled the champagne in the glass and decided to take a sip. The fizzy liquid tinged my tongue with a sweetness and slight acidity. "What is this place? Some kind of memory?"_

" _Probably."_

" _Mm." The candlelight glow started to fade. Then I realized they weren't just randomly scattered about. They're an outline. An outline of something... "Blueprints?"_

" _Plans..."_

" _Yeah. Plans." I said bitterly. I made plans... and now? "I thought I knew who I was... or who I could be, now I'm-"_

" _You're what?"_

" _I'm nothing, nobody." The words seem to echo and float around me._

 _There's silence, and I wondered if she left._

 _A breeze blew in the sweet fresh night air, grass and dew and salty mist. This time I looked around, really looked. I'm on a hill. It's dark out, but as I walked out to the edge, somehow I knew exactly when I should stop. There's a city in the distance, the lights flickered and illuminated the sky with a pink-orange glow. Did I live here? This city? I saw the dark blanket of what could be a river or lake or something. Lights flicker on it too. Boats._

" _She hurt you."_

 _I scoffed, then absently sipped from my champagne glass, wishing it was scotch. Somehow that wish felt wrong, as if I would tarnish something._

 _She hurt me. Hurt can't even describe my pain. Hurt was the pain of a slapped cheek, hurt was a broken arm. Hurt was an argument that lingered with words you said but didn't mean. This wasn't **hurt.** This was evisceration. My heart and mind shredded into pieces and fed to vultures. "It's more than that," I rumble._

" _You've been hurt before."_

 _That's new information... but considering I was in my sixties, it only made sense I'd been hurt before. "I don't think I've ever been hurt like this..."_

" _Maybe not, but you survived the last time."_

 _My hand traveled to my chest, and even though I was in some sort of dreamspace, I felt the slight indent of the bullet wound._

" _Someone saved me," I said. Someone I don't remember. "I can't remember! I don't- I'm nothing! I'm-"_

" _Y **ou are someone** , **"** the voice said again, It's closer, no longer echoing around me, now it's in me, whispering in my ear. "You're you." _

_It sounded cliche and hollow. I shook my head. "Yeah... whatever."_

 _Silence again. This was so stupid. I'm arguing with my subconscious?_

" _ **No, you don't get to do that,"** she boomed._

 _My arms lifted in a hopeless gesture, "do what?" I yell back. I'm so frustrated and angry._

" _You don't get to dismiss me, dismiss this. Look around. Someone **did** this. This wasn't conjured up. This wasn't fake. Someone did this... for you."_

 _Someone did this..._

 _For me._

 _The candles flicker around me again and the wind picks up. Suddenly all the candles are lit, and the outline of a simple floorplan is now clear and sharp in my mind. In the middle, a shadow... No, it's a figure... a person._

 _The candles dimmed almost to nothing, again. The wind cooled and bit my fingertips on the champagne glass. But it isn't the outline I'm interested in anymore. The figure in the middle drew me closer. I reached and brushed hair away from her bangs-_

" _You are someone... " and I feel a caress through my hair, on my cheek. "You're you," the voice said, fading away with the wind._

I blinked awake, to the rushing of wind against the trees.

It wasn't that I didn't want to find them. It's just... I wanted to know them. I wanted to know enough that I could trust...

If there was someone out there, I would find them, because I would remember who they were, where my home was.

I vowed that to myself, as I stared up into the stars.

 **A/N:** Whew! So glad I got this done finally! Now we can move forward- interesting stuff ahead!

Thanks everyone who commented and supported this fic! I broke 100 followers! incredible. I promise I will not disappoint! Stick with me!


	23. The Line Snapped

**A/N:** Thanks Everyone! It is so amazing to hear that you are so attached to this story!

Okay... things are moving along now, and we are back to where we left off with Meredith and Alzheimers... you may need to go back and re-read chapters 2-7 just to get back into the swing of things...

 **June 15 2034**

 **Meredith**

 _The candlelight faded in the glass candleholders in the grass. Tiny orange dots reflected off the inside of each holder, but the light did not seem to expand beyond their shadowy borders. A cool breeze chilled my cheeks, and I zipped my red hoodie and hugged myself, waiting. He should be here soon right?_

 _I paced. I looked out at the clear starlit sky and wished. I should be ecstatic. I should be jumping for joy or something. I just did something... unheard of. Extraordinary. Worthy of the Meredith Chronicles... I poured my heart out. I committed. Became ham or whatever. I told him... I told him that I wanted to try and trust him... I told him that I was in this._

 _And he kissed me._

 _My fingers brushed my now cool lips and I sucked in a breath. That was... much better than a break-up kiss._

 _I definitely wasn't going to forget that kiss._

 _But where was he?_

 _The champagne bottle was becoming heavy. My feet were sore. Where was he? What time was it? How long had I been here?_

 _Fog slowly settled around my ankles. I paced. The wind blew. I just did something... unheard of. Extraordinary. Worthy of the Meredith Chronicles..._

 _And he kissed me._

 _Where was he?_

 _I paced. The wind blew. The champagne bottle brushed against my thigh as I swung it slightly._

 _I looked back at the way he left. Were those headlights I saw in the distance? I stopped. Waited. The fog now covered the clear sky. I couldn't see the stars._

 _Where was he?_

 _I waited._

 _Movement in the distance. A shadow against darker shadows. I squinted. Waited. Excitement and anticipation trilled in me like I was being pulled up the tracks on a roller coaster. The dark sky lightened as a hint of sunrise peaked over the hill. Was that him?_

 _The shadow approached, closer. But the fog. The fog is thicker now and I... can't see._

" _Meredith," I can hear him._

 _I tried to push the fog away, but it's useless. The candles obviously aren't helping now either._

" _Meredith!"_

 _It's a shout now, closer I think. I need to call out, tell him I'm here, that I never left. My mouth opened. His name is on the tip of my tongue. He's the love of my life... he's all I ever needed, but- I can't say his name. What's his name? "I'm here!" I called out instead._

 _The fog ebbed and flowed around me. I spun and continued calling. "I'm here..." I can't remember his name. How could I forget his name? We kissed._

 _I paced. I waited. What was I waiting for? Where was I? I'm cold._

" _Meredith."_

 _There's a man in front of me, his features old, weary and desperate. Like he'd been searching for a long time for something. But his blue eyes are hauntingly familiar, and are so full of... love._

" _Who are you?" I asked._

" _It's me, Meredith." His hands rested on my shoulders._

" _I'm sorry, do I know you?"_

" _Meredith... it's me, your husband, Derek."_

" _Derek," his name rolled off my tongue with a strange familiarity, like I've said the word a million times. But the fog was so thick, almost choking me, And the man in front of me is no longer there. My shoulders bereft of his touch, my heart ached. I'm cold. I want to go home. Where am I? Who was that man?_

"Derek..." Someone whispered. "Derek..." Wait, that was me talking. I shifted. I'm cold and uncomfortable. An exhausted sigh escaped my lips.

"Mer? Meredith?" Another voice in my ear. I felt a touch on my upper arm, shoulder. A gentle shake.

"M'here." I mumbled.

"Meredith?"

Another shake, a little harder now. The voice definitely wasn't Derek's. My eyes remained closed as I sorted through my mental list of people to match that voice. When I finally recalled it, another loud sigh escaped my lips. Because now I knew who was beside me, and why. "Cristina?" I said roughly. I smacked my lips and swallowed as I rubbed the sleep away like a child.

"We're at the motel," she replied.

I blinked, swallowed again. Cristina sat beside me in the car. Her curly black hair was only slightly streaked with gray, the lines on her face were more pronounced and... wiser. She gazed at me softly. Waiting.

The mental jigsaw puzzle that I tried to keep together had fallen apart while I slept. Dreamed. Cristina thankfully was incredibly patient and said nothing as I figuratively rearranged the pieces again. Cristina. Car. Ferry. Rental. Airport. Vancouver. Seattle...

" _There is something you can do for me," I told her months before._

" _What?" she asked._

" _You know the thing I do every year?"_

" _The... thing," she said, slowly, like she was searching her memory. "Mer, you do a lot of things."_

" _The Derek thing. The fishing thing..." I said, referring to my annual trip up to North Cove._

" _Oh that thing..." she paused. "What about it?"_

" _I think you should come with me."_

 _Another pause. It wasn't hesitation, I knew. Cristina would come. She was going to ask me something though._

" _Wouldn't you want to go with the kids?"_

" _I umm, I haven't exactly invited them before."_

" _Oh. You don't want them there?" she asked. I noticed she didn't exactly ask why. I hoped she wouldn't ask._

" _No." I responded. "Can you just come with me this year?"_

" _Of course, Mer." she said automatically._

" _Good, because my brain is gonna start getting all full of Alzheimers, and soon I won't be able to travel by myself so I'll need you to-"_

" _Mer, it's fine."_

 _Relief blew through me like a highpowered fan. "Okay... Okay... thanks."_

" _You know, Derek took me fishing..."_

" _I remember." I smiled._

" _It helped. Fishing." she said._

" _I know." I looked up. Dr. Allan had returned. "I have to go."_

"We're at the motel," I repeated finally, pulling the lever to raise the seat from its reclined position.

We were in North Cove. It was June 15th. And tomorrow morning I would be on a boat with Sonny and some scotch. And Cristina. I looked out at the evening sky. The sun hung lazily over the horizon casting long shadows over everything.

"Ready?" Cristina asked, stepping out of the car.

"Yeah." I got out, grabbed my single suitcase and carry-on bag from the backseat and followed my Person to the front desk to check in.

xxx

We settled in the hotel room. While I took a shower, Cristina left to grab some snacks. She returned just as I finished.

"Chips, pretzels, popcorn..." she said, plunking the bags on the extra bed. "And Cherry coke."

"Splurge much?" I asked.

Cristina snorted. "Hey, the Swiss may be known for chocolate, but junk food? No." She tossed me a coke bottle as I sank on the edge of my bed.

I spaced out for a moment... drifting. That dream really disturbed me. I'd been having it occasionally for the last two weeks. It was an obvious dream... The man I couldn't remember was Derek, and the fog was Alzheimers. But it wrenched me every time.

"Earth to Mer..."

"Sorry," I shook my head and twisted the cap off my Cherry Coke. The remote for the TV was on the nightstand and I grabbed it, flicking the TV on for some mindless distraction. I slid up and rested against the headboard of the bed as Cristina sidled in beside me, snacks sitting on her lap. She munched on a handful of pretzels as I quietly sipped my coke. We watched some silly reality TV show that I couldn't keep track of.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"What?"

"Anything. Alzheimers, the kids, Derek..."

I shoved my hand into a bag and shoveled a handful of popcorn into my mouth. No. I didn't want to... But I knew I would eventually. This was Cristina. Being supportive. "Tell me about a surgery," I said.

"Okay... Have you ever heard of a bilateral aortic valve replacement?"

I shook my head. Cristina turned the TV off and launched into a detailed intense description of her most recent experimental surgery, which she performed on an eight-year old. I followed along as best as I could, imagining my hands as hers as we navigated the complex thoracic system. In my head we stood over the patient and in the OR I was her assistant, holding the retractor as she pointed out various aspects of the patient's heart that we were working to correct.

" _See here?" she pointed with her pink stained glove._

" _Yeah," I breathed through my mask._

" _This valve is enlarged. It shouldn't be. We need to cut here- ten blade-" a scalpel was slapped in her palm. The light from her headlamp moved slightly off target before resettling. "I make a small incision here-" the knife slid easliy along the valve._

" _Then you graft the aritificial valve-" I added, as the procedure started to make sense._

" _Exactly. Wanna do it?"_

" _Um..."_

"And after we put the graft in, I closed with a mesh... Mer?"

"Huh?"

"You spaced out."

"No, I remember... you were putting the graft in."

Cristina nodded. "Yeah." She sipped her coke. She was almost done.

I looked at mine. I hardly had any beyond the first couple of sips. It took so much effort to concentrate on her words, and imagine the procedure. I sighed. Stupid Alzheimers. "I wish you could fix it," I said, surprising myself.

"Fix what?"

"My heart." I choked up at that, and avoided her gaze. I heard the chip bags crinkle as she moved them off the bed. I heard her heavy swallow as she leaned her head on my shoulder.

"I wish I could too." She said simply.

xxx

Even at five-thirty in the morning, the sea air was still too humid. The sky hinted at lightness in the eastern horizon as I waited at the dock.

"Five thirty?" Cristina asked as she hugged herself. "Seriously?" She yawned.

I shrugged. It was just... how we did it. Sonny would be along any minute, I thought. Cristina sipped her coffee from her travel mug. Seagulls called, waves rocked, causing the boats to bump into each other, and a faint fog hovered in the distance. "I hate fog." I said.

Cristina gave me a long appraisal, but said nothing.

"Good morning!" A deep gruff voice called. I heard Sonny's heavy footfalls behind me before I turned around.

"Hi," I said with a small smile. Sonny smiled back, an almost toothless grin. He wore a heavy jacket and overalls along with rubber boots and a trucker cap. Exactly the same as last year. Exactly the same as the first year.

"You brought a friend," He said, stopping in front of me.

"Yeah. You don't mind?"

He shrugged. "It's your day." Then he flicked his gaze to Cristina. "Sonny." he greeted, holding out a hand. Cristina met his gaze and slowly met his hand for a quick shake.

"Cristina," she said before releasing her hand to grip her mug again.

"Shall we?" Sonny gestured to his boat and led us to the side. He hopped into it easily, then turned and reached for my hand to help me in, then Cristina. He held up his lunch pail. "Only brought lunch for two..."

"It's okay." I said.

Sonny nodded, and I sat down on the bench in the middle, Cristina followed suit, our thighs touching. As he'd done every year, he pulled out the ratty gray blanket to cover us and poured me a cup of coffee from his thermos. We waited a moment, listening to the water slosh around the boat as he organized things. I sipped the coffee, revelling in the heat of the cup on my palms, and then the engine roared and we were moving through the ocean. To the spot.

It felt strange with Cristina here. But... she was the only one I trusted with _**this.**_ Whatever it was.

 _Two days earlier:_

 _I woke up with a gasp. In the darkness of my bedroom, I sat up and breathed heavily. My hand on my chest, I felt my heartbeat thud- thud- thud against my ribs. Choking back a sob, I fell back on my pillow and curled up tightly._

 _I'd been having the same dream lately..._

 _But even after I wake up and feel the firm mattress under the palm of my hand and the warmth of the covers around me, my heart is still broken. I sighed as I looked at the clock, it's five-thirty am. Pill time._

 _Bleary-eyed and stiff, I stumbled into my bathroom and removed three pill bottles from my medicine cabinet. I took my morning pills, sorted my evening pills and put them in a small cup for later, in case I got confused. Then I brushed my teeth, showered, and changed into jeans and a light long sleeved T-shirt before I left to go to the kitchen. Routine. I hated routine._

 _I'm surprised to see Ellis perched on a stool at the counter, nursing a cup of coffee and stirring a bowl of Muesli._

" _What are you doing up early?" I asked, reaching into the breadbox._

" _Early shift," she mumbled through her cereal. She squinted up at me, "Are you always up this early?"_

 _I shrugged, "I've been going to bed earlier." That was the simple answer. It's too early for complicated answers like nightmares and restlessness. I picked at the plastic tie for the bread and pulled out six slices._

" _What are you making?"_

" _Grilled cheese, want some?"_

" _Sure... pour you some coffee, mom?"_

 _What was up with my daughter? Was she actually being nice to me? "Uh... Okay." I reached in the fridge and grabbed the margarine and cheese slices._

 _She poured me some coffee and slid the mug over. I took a sip and smiled. "This is really good coffee," I said._

" _Perks of the job," she replied, smiling._

" _You always make the best coffee." It's true. Even when Ellis used the household brand stuff we bought at the supermarket, it always tasted better when she made it. Or maybe I was just a horrible coffee maker. Who knows? I finished the first sandwhich and plated it for her, then I started to spread margarine on another piece of bread._

" _I know what you're doing." Ellis said, munching on her grilled cheese._

" _What?"_

" _Killing yourself with cholesterol, I know what you're up to..." She snickered._

 _I giggled and shook my head. She sounded like Alex. "I wish. But Zola's been doing the grocery shopping and she buys all the healthy stuff." I turned the margarine container around so she could see the light blue writing that says Heart Healthy!_

" _That sucks. No wonder this grilled cheese doesn't quite taste the same."_

" _I know. She's totally ruining my plans... Death by Artery Clogging. I think Bailey's in on it too, he keeps taking me for walks and stuff when he's here."_

" _If it were up to me mom, We'd have pizza and ice cream every night."_

" _Extra cheese?"_

" _Extra cheese."_

 _We're silent for a while. I flipped the sandwiches over in the pan, and the sound of the sizzling oil is the only sound I hear. I never used to be a morning person, but now it seemed that mornings were the best for me, and I knew it was because of my disease. In the mornings, my mind was clear, my brain not clogged up with a day's worth of information that I couldn't process properly. I understood now, why Derek liked mornings. It was quiet. The air was fresh and clean. The sky would be clear except for the occasional bout of morning fog, and usually, the rain stopped. It motivated me._

 _As I scooped the sandwiches off the pan and set them on my plate, I heard a rustling noise. I turned to see Ellis rummaging in her purse. A thick envelope is placed in front of me. **Rent** is written in large thick scrawl. _

" _What's this?" I asked._

" _Rent." Ellis said._

" _Rent?" I asked._

" _Yeah, you told me I had to pay five-hundred a month remember?"_

" _I did?" I honestly don't remember. I stared at the envelope and back at Ellis as if the memory would just jump back to me._

" _Yeah, you did. Maybe I should just give it to Zola?"_

 _Sudden panic hit me. How could I not remember this? I had an important conversation with my daughter about rent and responsibility and I didn't even remember? Worse, Ellis wanted to pass this off to Zola to take over... I swallowed, "No, just leave it on the table, I'll take it to the bank later."_

" _Okay." Ellis said. She cleared her dishes off and put them in the dishwasher. Then she turned to me, her face a little serious this time. "So mom... where do you go on the sixteenth?"_

" _Umm what?" I knew what she was asking, but I really didn't want to talk about it. They never asked before, and I suspected that maybe they knew but didn't bring it up. But now... it was different now. Everything was different now._

" _Every year, you take off for a couple days alone. And you never say anything to us about it. Now Cristina is coming with you right?" Ellis sipped her coffee and drummed her fingers on the mug. "I mean... how come you never tell us or invite us with you?"_

 _I put my half eaten grilled cheese down. In the space of a sentence, my appetite vanished. "Nowhere. Out. It's nothing." But I was a bad liar, and Ellis knew it._

" _Mom," she said, tilting her head. The way she did it reminded me of Derek. The way he would look at me. Mer, he'd say, soft and gentle. I recalled the way he looked at me when I told him my mother had Alzheimers, and it was the same way Ellis was looking at me now._

" _Mom, just tell me."_

" _I... Ellis, please..." Fear struck my heart at the thought of telling her. I'd been going every year to North Cove alone, to grieve, to fish, to drink... to tell Derek everything that happened that year, to tell him all about his kids, how great they are, how proud of them he would be, to confess my fears... And I never took them. I never told them. I wanted to at first. Before my second trip, I'd planned to buy four tickets and take us all... but- I crumbled. I couldn't let them see me like that. And I needed to be like that. For a day, I needed to be broken and wrecked and crying on a boat in the middle of the ocean... and if they saw me like that, it would break them. I knew it._

" _Mom, I'll find out anyway... you want me to snoop around? Find your credit card bills? Hack your computer?"_

 _She wouldn't understand. Bailey would understand, Zola would. They'd be mad for maybe a day, at the most, but they'd understand. But if I told Ellis... It'd be another reason to hate me. I clutched the lukewarm mug of coffee."I can't tell you." I replied numbly._

" _Mom! For five years you've been taking off to God-knows-where doing God-knows-what with God-knows-who on the anniversary of Dad's disappearance. You think that doesn't bother us?"_

" _I go fishing." I shrugged._

" _Fishing. Cristina is coming from Switzerland to take you fishing?"_

" _Um," is all I can say._

" _Mom!" Ellis hissed._

 _I got up and walked to the small desk in the living room. There's a red folder where I kept important papers. I pulled out my travel itinerary and handed it to her with a defeated sigh. Instead of returning to the kitchen I collapsed on the couch and waited for a harangue from her._

" _Oh." Is all I hear from Ellis. The papers fell back on my lap. "I have to go to work," she said. The door slammed and I was left with silence._

 _I hastily collected the papers and put them in the folder by the desk again. Then I stopped, confused. What was I doing? Oh the papers... right. The trip. I have to pack. I stalked to my room and pulled out my suitcase, throwing it on the bed. I knew I upset her, but I just can't dwell on it for now. I sorted through my drawers, pulling out underwear, socks, a couple sweaters, jeans, and stacked them in the suitcase. What else? I stopped, thinking._

" _Morning mom," Zola's voice pulled me from my reverie._

 _I looked up to see her in the doorway. "Hey," I said, smiling at my eldest._

" _What are you doing?"_

" _Uh... packing." I was packing. For my trip. Crap. I'm going to be late. Where's Cristina?_

" _Mom, what are you talking about?"_

" _My trip. Zo you better get changed, I need you to drive me to the airport. Where's Cristina? she should be here by now..." I looked around. Bathroom. I need to grab my toothpaste and toothbrush... and my meds and... wait. Wait no..._

" _Mom?" Zola prompted._

 _I rubbed my forehead and looked at the day calendar on my night stand. June 14th It said. I looked at my watch. Something was wrong here. I just had breakfast. I had coffee. The only time I have coffee is in the morning. Morning. AM. My flight wasn't untill three PM. Tomorrow. Because today is only the fourteenth And I needed to be in North Cove in the morning on the sixteenth._

" _Oh." I said quietly. "Never mind Zo... I um, got a little mixed up."_

" _Okay," Zola said. "I'm gonna take a shower."_

 _I hummed an okay and moved the suitcase off the bed. Get it together Grey. But this is what it's like... just trying to take it one task at a time. I picked up the journal on my bedside and read yesterday's notes. Most of it makes sense, some of it I don't remember. Dr. Allan suggested I write this stuff down, what I could remember. So I wrote what happened this morning... something about grilled cheese and coffee and my trip confusion. I blinked, and the clock on my bed said seven. How long have I been here for? I put the journal back on the nightstand and walked out to the kitchen._

" _You left the stove on, mom..." Zola said, and I can't help but hear the clipped tone in her voice. "Luckily nothing was on the burner."_

" _Sorry."_

" _I told you you should just have cereal in the morning."_

" _Well..." I threw my hands up in the air, "What can I say Zo? I forgot, okay? I wanted grilled cheese. I wanted to talk to Ellis. But then... I got distracted and... Alzheimers!" Get it together, Grey. I unclenched my fists and sighed loudly. It was too early for this._

" _I'm not mad mom, it's okay," Zola said quickly, patting my arm. "Here, finish your grilled cheese," she pushed the plate toward me. "Want some milk?"_

 _I just nodded and sidled up to the counter again. Whatever mess I'd left was cleaned up. I picked at the grilled cheese it was warm, Zola must have heated it up. I wasn't hungry, but I didn't want to worry Zola. A thick white envelope with the word **Rent** scrawled on it sat unopened on the counter. "What's this?" I asked._

" _Oh, I think that's Ellis' Rent."_

" _Ellis pays rent now?" Did I discuss this with her before? I actually had an adult discussion with Ellis and I didn't even remember. What was wrong with me? "Stupid Alzheimers." I muttered._

" _You wrote it in your book."_

" _I did?" I asked, mouth full of grilled cheese._

" _Yeah, a few weeks ago."_

 _Okay, not so bad, at least I wrote it down right? "I gotta go look." I went into my bedroom and grabbed my journal, then walked back to the kitchen, placing the journal on the counter. "Can you help me find.."_

 _Zola picked up the journal and flipped through it, then she stopped on the page and pushed the journal over to me._

 _A simple note was written there, among other things like lists and appointments and dates... But it was there, in my consise handriting, "Talked to Ellis about work and responsibility. She agreed to pay five-hundred a month for rent or two-fifty biweekly as long as she stays and is not attending college." In brackets beside the note, I wrote, "This is to be put in her college fund account, in case she decides."_

 _I sighed and patted the journal. "Okay." Then I noticed a mark on the corner. "What's this?"_

" _It's my initial." Zola said._

" _You read the journal?"_

" _You asked me to, mom... it's to help you when stuff like this happens."_

 _Alzheimers. Stupid freaking Alzheimers. "I hate this Zo."_

" _I know."_

" _Ellis upset the routine huh?"_

 _I thought about it. Usually at this time I'd be working on my puzzles, and then Zola would drive me to the lab, where I would spend a couple hours on my research. And then..._

"We're here," Sonny said, and I felt the boat lurch slightly as the engine cut in the water. There was a presence beside me. Cristina. I pulled the blanket off my thighs and handed it to her. She looked a little seasick, but didn't complain as she folded it. _Now what?_ her expression said.

I handed her my empty coffee cup and trudged to the bow of the boat. She stayed on the bench, and I was glad. I looked up at the sky, noting the overcast gray clouds and the soft light that erupted from where the sun hid behind them.

"So," I said aloud. This was my talking to Derek time... "Bailey's in med school. Dartmouth. He almost didn't get in... but I guess the Grey name still goes a long way." I picked at my fingernails as I leaned against the side of the boat. "You'd be so proud of Zola... she went to Africa... believe it? She reminds me of you... so take charge... and she's always there, saying things..." I flicked a tear from my eye and forced myself to keep talking. "Ellis... I love her so much, but I broke her and I don't know how to fix it..." My voice cracked and I turned to face the inside of the boat. Cristina and Sonny were on the other side, their backs to me, talking.

I let my knees give out as I slid down the wall. And in that moment, I felt it. I felt him beside me. His arm around me, pulling me to his warm body and lightly stubbled face. I imagined him kissing me softly on the cheek, reassuring me with sweet nothings.

"Shhh... It's okay," he said.

"It's not. It's not, Derek. I don't know how to do this..."

He rubbed my thigh, a gentle soothing motion. His eyes met mine and he gazed at me with soft empathy.

"I have Alzheimers." I blurted. "Four, maybe five good years before it all goes to crap."

"I'm sorry," he said. Whether it was an apology for my diagnosis or for his absence I didn't know. Probably both, I thought.

"You're supposed to be here!" I yelled. "You're supposed to be here! In this. With me. Committed or whatever."

My imaginary Derek didn't have a response except to pull me closer to him. I imagined the scent of his spicy aftershave. I still had the same bottle in the bathroom at home. Sometimes I put some on one of his shirts and slept with it. But it wasn't the same without his own musk.

"I'm scared," I admitted weakly. "I'm going to forget them. I'm going to forget you."

"You won't," he argued.

"Yes I will." My eyes pricked again with tears.

With his finger he turned my head to face him. Assurance leaked from his gaze. He seemed to study every detail of my expression. "Meredith," he said, "you'll always know who we are... maybe you won't know how to say our names, or maybe you won't remember at that exact moment that we're related, but..." He sighed a Derek sigh, and a small hesitant Mcdreamy smile spread on his lips, "You'll know our love. You'll feel it when we talk to you, when we hold you, when we're with you. You'll know."

"Promise?"

"Yeah," he said. I reached to take his hand, but he faded.

I sniffled and sobbed at the emptiness and a moment later a blanket covered me. Cristina was beside me, rubbing my back and I sighed against her. "Drinking time," I said.

In my bag was a small bottle of Scotch. It was smaller than last year because, well, Alzheimers. I was already brain damaged, and alcohol was more brain damage, so I only had a couple swigs before handing it off to Sonny and Cristina to finish.

Time slid on. We ate, drank... Sonny regaled us with a few fishing tales. Finally I edged off the bench and picked up a rod. A lure was already attached.

"What're ya doin?" Cristina slurred.

"Fishing," I said as I awkwardly cast the line out.

"Oh." She said. She took the last sip of Scotch and watched me, swaying with the boat. "Ifished once."

"Yeah," I said, remembering. After the shooting... things were bad for awhile. Cristina lost herself, and I couldn't help. Derek took her fishing. I didn't agree with his treatment plan but... "You caught a fish," I said. "You cried. What was up with that? Fishing with Derek got you whole and healed?" We'd never really discussed it before.

Cristina watched as I reeled in my line and cast again. I focused on my line, gently reeling he lure in and jerking the line this way and that, the way Sonny taught me. She stumbled a little closer to me. "Issa circle alife," she said.

I chuckled, she was really drunk. "Circle of life?" I prompted.

She shrugged, "There's a shoooting. Pepple died. I cod a fish... issalive in my hans, flopping," She gestured.

"Okay..."

"Isssalive," She blinked. Swallowed. "Like a heart," her voice cracked and she put her arm around my shoulder.

"Like your dad," I said.

"Like m'dad."

I reeled in my line again, and cast. I watched the shiny lure plop into the water. For a moment, I blanked, just tuned into the nothingness of the moment. Fishing. My rod jerked. I blinked, pulled out of my reverie. My rod curved, and the line was escaping from the reel, 'sssssss'

"What the-"

"Holy mother of pearl!" Sonny cried out, dashing from his spot behind me. "You caught a fish!"

"I did?" I looked back at my rod, confusion and excitement littering my thoughts. "What do I do? What do I do?" I never ever expected to catch a fish. I'd never caught a fish before. Never. Even when Derek was here...

Sonny wrapped his arms around me and put his hands over mine on the rod. He reeled in a little, "Watch me," he said. He reeled in a little more, released a tiny amount of line, reeled it in again, tugged. "You want to give'm a little line before they break it, ya gotta wear them out."

"O-Okay," I said excitement mounted. I was catching a fish! I could feel the thrum of life though the rod. I pulled, released, reeled, pulled. I repeated it again. "This is a big fish!" I said, watching my rod bend like a hook.

"They're strong!" Sonny agreed.

Cristina jumped up and down, "Mer's catchinna fish!" She cried.

"Shut up," I smiled at her as I tugged. Released, reeled and- the line snapped. My rod bounced back to it's usual straight form- weightless and vibrating in my hands. "Wh-what?"

"Dammit!" Sonny shouted, "Line snapped."

"You mean-" I looked back at the dark water.

"He got away. I'm sorry." Sonny lifted his cap and rubbed his thin greying hair in defeat.

"He's gone? I lost it?"

Sonny didn't answer right away. He was rummaging in his tackle box, "We'll try again, I got just the thing-"

But I couldn't take it. I dropped the pole and fell to my knees, an overwhelming sadness rose up in me.

"Mer?" Cristina asked, her tone suddenly very sober.

"I lost it."

"It's okay, Mer, it's just a fish."

"It's not-" _just a fish_ I wanted to say, but I couldn't speak anymore. It was as if I lost Derek all over again. The line snapped, and I lost him. I was on a boat in the middle of the freaking ocean and the line snapped and I lost him.

I don't know how long I sat there against the side of the boat with Cristina beside me. Sonny retreated to the wheel and turned the boat around, taking us back to shore. Eventually, I wiped the tears from my face and swallowed the lump of grief in my throat. "I'm okay." I said, to myself. To Cristina, to no one. This was why I couldn't take them with me.

Finally the boat reached the dock. I hugged Sonny and mumbled a thank you to him. We both helped Cristina off the boat. She'd sobered up, but the rocking boat didn't help any.

"Cristina?" I said.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For not asking." _Are you okay?_ Because if she asked, I would have to answer. And I couldn't lie.

"Of course," she said. "I'm your Person."

Which meant that she didn't have to ask. She already knew, but that was the point. She spared me the indignity of having to answer. This was why I wanted her today. We walked down the dock side by side, when Cristina grabbed my arm. "Hey look!" she said, pointing- "Ellis!"

"What?" Oh God, she followed me here? But Cristina wasn't pointing to a person. She was pointing to a boat docked beside us. A small sailboat, with the name 'Ellis' inscribed on the side. I stopped and stared for a moment. Slowly I reached out and ran my hand over the name. Ellis. My mother. My daughter, the name echoed in my mind. Hmmm, a boat, named Ellis. Tears pricked my eyes again. God I was so done with the crying.

"Take me home Cristina," I said. It was time to go. The Ferry would be leaving in an hour.

 **A/N:** Whew! A nice long chapter for you! I hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know what you think! Also, for some Derek-y stuff, please check out my story **Ferryboats and Scrubcaps.**


	24. Loving You is Never Exhausting

**A/N:** Wow! Incredible response on last chapter! AAH the suspense! There is still a lot of story to be played out here... so a face to face meeting will be awhile yet. :( That's not to say there won't be some ... reliving, memories, subconscious thoughts in the coming chapters. This is not just MerDer, it's also about family, and the ramifications of living with Alzheimers, etc.

I wanted to give a shout out to the book "Still Alice," By Lisa Genova. There is also a movie by the same title based on the book, starring Julianne Moore, Alec Baldwin and Kristen Stewart, among others. I found these materials especially helpful in coming up with ideas, thoughts, feelings of a professional woman and mother of young adults going through this disease. Strongly reccomend the book, if you're interested in these sort of stories.

Also big shout out to my amazing reviewers! Thank you so much for your support here! I missed writing Meredith, so last chapter was really fun for me. I'm touched that my writing strikes at an emotional level. Before I can begin a chapter or a scene, I have to have an emotion to write from, so I guess it's working... ahhh, I agree with my last Guest reviewer, It is a story that is so good, but so sad and frustrating at times. The hard part for me as a writer is having the ending in my head and being unable to share it yet to my amazing readers!

Many of you are wondering how many chapters before they get together... I don't know exactly, what I do know is that I am building up to the first chapter. If you'll notice the date there is 2038. A big year for MerDer, Alzheimers, and the Shepherds. Basically- Ch. 1 is the begining of the end of this Story. I don't intend to drag it on though, each chapter will be significant, and there may be some time jumps as I move the story to that point.

Thanks to: Patsy, Pat, Sunshine-Girl, Greysfannn, three Guests, and Melanie, who all reviewed on my last chapter. As well as the may people who were signed in, I probably sent you a PM with my response!

Anyway, Onward Ho!

 **Seattle** **June 16 2034**

 **Zola**

My 2022 Mazda five was a little rusted and smelled faintly of gasoline, despite all efforts to take good care of it. Uncle Alex helped me buy it, after my last car broke down. But it was reliable, and handled the roads well, which was why I liked it so much.

"How old is this car?" Bailey asked as we rumbled up the hill. The muffler was quite loud, especially when I changed gears.

"Not that old..." I muttered in defence. It was only twelve years old, and still in good working order, it was just loud.

"Old enough!" Bailey scoffed.

"Shut up! You can't complain until you get your own car, and then we'll actually have a choice next time."

"Weren't you gonna go electric?" Bailey asked.

"I want to, but they are stupidly expensive, and there still isn't enough places to charge them. Especially out on the island."

"Would you guys _please_ shut up!" Ellis interjected.

"What?" I replied, annoyed. "We were just having a discussion Ellis."

"You always do this," Ellis continued, "How can you do this? Just chat... like nothing happened, like nothing is wrong... we just lit a candle and went to a ceremony for our missing dad... and you guys just yammer on, blah blah blah..."

I sighed, frustrated. I'd forgotten how grating Ellis could be sometimes. I sucked in a breath and focused on the winding road. We were almost there.

"Well? Are you going to answer the question?"

I said nothing, the day had drained me. An early morning, the memorial ceremony, the palpabale tension between us siblings as the weight of our grief over our dad and worry over our mom seemed to press on us all.

I didn't want to add anymore weight with a pointless fight. Instead I drove, only another minute or two and we'd be there.

Ellis huffed, and I shot a glance at Bailey not to press it. He turned his attention instead to the road ahead of us, his knuckles lightly knocking against the passenger window. Finally we arrived. I found a quiet spot to park, and the three of us exited. I popped the trunk and removed the thick blanket while Bailey grabbed the picnic basket. Ellis took her camera and tripod.

I checked my watch. Amelia and Owen would be here soon too.

The view from the hill overlooked the ferryboats. It was our favorite spot since we were little. In spaces between work and school and the hospital, this was our stop. The spot to observe the city waking and sleeping, the coming and going of people on the way or going home. As kids, with our busy lives it was often a quick look before we were shuttled elsewhere. Or on good days it was a place for picnics and celebrations and laughter. But sometimes... we would linger here. When things were tense. When there was tension between mom and dad, they would linger here...

" _Stop the car, Derek."_

" _Meredith..."_

 _In the backseat of Dad's Cayanne, I rolled my eyes. They'd been like this all week. Snapping. Biting. It was the begining of a storm, I was sure. I hated it. They were happy a week ago on my twelfth birthday but now? God... I looked to Bailey, but he was oblivious, playing his videogame._

 _Beside me, Ellis was aware of the tension and held herself stiffly, like maybe they were mad at her. They weren't though, I knew that. Ellis was Daddy's little girl and couldn't do any wrong. Were they mad at me?I had to admit I'd been a little snarky at them because I wanted a sleepover birthday party. Instead I had to settle for Sofia coming over a week later._

" _No. Pull over," Mom was saying. "I don't want us to go home like this."_

" _We have to pick up Sofia for her sleepover." Dad insisted._

" _I'll text Arizona that we'll be late. You're upset, and I'm not spending the weekend with a guest in our house and you making that face."_

" _I'm making a face?"_

" _Yes! And it's driving me crazy. Derek, if we don't stop now and discuss what's going on, you're going to say something hurtful that you don't mean, and I'll be calling Bailey to find me a surgery to scrub in on just to get away from you. So, we're stopping here."_

" _Mom, Sofia's still coming over right?" I asked, still unsure what they were fighting about. Was it my fault?_

" _Yes," Mom said over her shoulder._

" _Did I do something wrong?" I had to be sure it wasn't me._

" _Oh! No sweetheart, of course not! Dad and I had a fight-"_

" _Disagreement," Dad interrupted._

" _A disagreement, and we just need to talk it out okay?"_

" _Okay." I said, a little relieved, but still upset and worried. They'd been doing this for about a month now, little spats. Small things they said to each other that seemed to blow massive holes in their armor. Now that I thought about it, it seemed to be about work, some kind of project mom wanted to do, or something._

 _Dad huffed as we pulled into the gravel parking lot. "You guys may as well get out and stretch your legs a little, but stay close."_

 _We scrambled out, and I was eager to get away from my siblings. Ellis trotted off to a familiar spot in the woods, lost in her own world. Bailey actually remained near the car, playing some game on his handheld DS._

 _Mom slammed the car door and swiftly marched to the edge of the hill where we had our picnics. Dad remained where he was, facing me, one arm propped him up against the car, the other on his hip. He watched her go, a weary expression on his face under dark curls. He sighed loudly and ran a shaky hand through his hair._

" _Dad?" I asked._

 _Intense loving eyes met my insecure gaze. He cocked his head apologetically and walked toward me. Heat seeped through my t-shirt as his hands rested on my shoulders. "Oh, Zo- you know we fight a lot, but it's because we love each other."_

 _That didn't make any sense to me. Didn't fighting mean that you didn't love each other?_

 _Seeing my confusion, Dad smiled. "You'll see," he said, and he strode down toward the hill's edge toward Mom._

 _They faced the bay, and the low hanging sun cast a dark silhouette over their features, so all I saw was shadow. They were meters apart. Mom's arms were wrapped around herself and dad buried his hands in his jean pockets._

 _Short clipped sentences were fired off. Verbal shots over a shoulder at the other. I couldn't hear what they were saying. I didn't really want to._

 _Mom whirled, pointing a harsh finger, Dad rolled his head skyward, his shoulders slumped as he turned toward her._ **We're gonna do this again?**

 _Now they were facing each other like fighters, sizing each other up. Their voices raised, but I didn't know what they were saying or what they were fighting about._ **Ding-Ding-Ding! Let's get ready to rummmble!**

 _Dad leaned forward with his hands on his hips and shouted something._ **Bang!** _Mom tucked her head in and rubbed the bridge of her nose in defense._ **Kapwing!** _Dad shot an arm out and pulled it back toward himself, like he was picking berries off a tree. He yelled in anger._ **Boom!**

 _Mom's ponytail whipped around as she twisted and volleyed another point._ **Take that!**

 _Dad's torso bucked out and and arms went wide._ **Oh yeah?** _He leaned forward, an arm reaching out toward the city while the other pointed to himself like he was gathering energy. Words tumbled out. Loud and full of acid. Then both arms, forearms up, pushed at her, like he was releasing a bowling ball with both hands._ **Hiyah!**

 _Mom reacted,_ **Ouch!** _Her body tensed though, her hands pushed down at her sides. Her fingers splayed, palms out._ **Is that all you got? Bring it on!** _Another volley of words erupted from her mouth._ **Rata-tat-tat!**

 _Dad turned away, seething. But he took a couple steps further away and ran his hands through his hair._ **I'm out of ammo.**

 _Mom straightened from her previous hunched forward posture. Her arms clutched at her sides. They were both wounded._ **Yeah, well... I don't wanna fight anymore.** _She wiped her eyes and shifted her weight from side to side as she looked back toward the city._

 _They remained like that for awhile. But mom kept glancing at dad, and when she looked away, he glanced at her. She tapped her fingers nervously against the palm of her other hand._

 _She took a hesitant step toward him just he did. She rubbed her upper arm, looked down, mumbled something. An apology maybe._ **I love you and I'm sorry.**

 _Dad nodded._ **Me too.** _He rubbed his chin. They spoke quietly for a moment._ **No running.** _As they did, they edged closer. Dad reached for mom's free hand and took it loosely. She looked down at their hands, and took another step. She drew him closer and wrapped her free hand around Dad's waist, leaning on his chest._ **No running.**

 _He kissed her forehead. She pulled away slightly,_ **Even when we hate each other?** _Dad looked up into the sky as if searching for answers, and rubbed her back at the same time. Mom traced a line down his chest._ **Hating you is exhausting.** _Dad looked down and tipped her head up with the knuckle of his forefinger. He spoke and she laughed, shook her head._ **Loving you is never exhausting.** _The kiss was swift, on the side of mom's lips. Gone before she even realized what it was. The tension broken, she reached up and wrapped her arms around dad's neck._ **There are more fun ways we can be exhausted...** _They kissed again, a full deep kiss. Her hands slid down his shoulders, his arms, she pulled his hands away from her hips as they released their_ liplock. **Mmhmm...** _They stood there, just looking at each other, holding hands. Then they turned and faced the city's horizon again, and leaned into each other as they did so._

I spread the blanket over the prickly grass, and Bailey joined me with the basket. Suddenly he waved at someone and I noticed Amelia coming over, Owen in tow behind her, clutching a blue and white cooler. Picnic time!

Ellis set her camera up to take pictures of us and the Ferryboats. We ate, laughed, cried. Reminisced. Wished. Wished some more. We rested, remembered, hoped. And lingered before finally folding up the blanket and storing away our goods. The rest of the day would be spent on the Ferryboats. That's what we did every year.

xxx

It was late, close to ten o'clock when I heard the keys in the front door jingle, and looked up to see Cristina and Mom enter, suitcases trailing them.

"I swear I saw him!" Mom argued with Cristina. "Didn't you see him?"

"I told you, I didn't see anything, I was driving." Cristina sounded weary, like she'd been having this conversation for ages now.

"Why didn't you stop? I told you to stop!"

"Stop and... what? He was in a truck, you were in a car... he'd already passed us in the opposite direction. It was too late." She said. Her suitcase landed heavily by the door as she dropped and walked to the kitchen. "Mer, I'm tired. I can't talk about this anymore. I'm gonna have a beer and crash on the couch."

"Ugh..." Mom said, frustration clear in her voice. "I just feel like I see him everywhere. And it's way too early for me to be having delusions."

"Zola! Hey! We have to catch up!" Cristina grinned, finally noticing me.

"Fine!" Mom shouted sarcastically, "Go ahead, leave me for my beautiful daughter. I'm going to take a bath, I feel... I want to take a bath."

"TMI, Mer."

"Shut up." Mom set her suitcase against the wall and sighed. She walked past me and gripped my shoulder, "I love you, Zo."

"Love you." I replied, touching her hand briefly.

"Where are Bailey and Ellis?" Mom asked.

"Bailey and Aunt Amelia are talking in the den, and Ellis is out with Cory." I said.

"Okay," Mom sighed.

Now armed with a beer, Cristina plunked herself beside me on the couch. "Whatcha watching?"

"Survivor." It was like survivor season fifty or something, I couldn't keep track. I guess networks still liked half naked people doing crazy things to not starve on a deserted island.

"Seriously?" Cristina asked in a low voice. "That show is still on?"

"Yup." I said. "I'm not really watching it... it's just kind of background noise." I was really working on my final paper for school. Finishing touches on my thesis and an essay about my practicum. But this was Cristina time now, so I slapped my laptop shut and put it away. Cristina time was so rare these days.

We lapsed into comfortable silence.

"So... how are you?" Cristina asked softly.

"I don't know," I said. "How did she do on the trip?"

"As well as could be expected I guess," she shrugged. "If you didn't know- you wouldn't notice."

"She asked me to book the tickets." I blurted. I didn't expect to say that, especially in front of Cristina... but I knew it was safe to trust her. "I didn't know that's where she went every year. I kinda thought she would want me with her," I continued.

Cristina shifted on the couch to fully face me. "Does that upset you?"

"I'don't know- I guess I just wish she was with us instead. She can cry in front of us,"

Cristina shook her head. "She can't, Zo."

And I knew she was right. I couldn't hold it against my mother for grieving in her own way. That was why Amelia and Owen came with us every year. Mom never wanted us to be alone for those moments, and I knew Amelia appreciated it too. "I wish..."

"I know." Cristina put her hand on top of mine. "You know you're my favorite right?"

I giggled. Cristina would brag about me to anyone who'd listen. She cared about each of us, but she always spent a little more time and effort with me. Probably because I spit up on her a lot when I was little. "Yeah."

My Aunt settled in on the couch and sipped her beer. Her dark intense gaze met my own, and she pursed her lips. Story time, I thought. "I was with your mom on one of the worst days of her life... She screwed up at work, and she got fired-"

"What?" I interrupted. "She got fired?" When did this happen?

"Oh relax, nothing happened. You were... like, six months old?" Cristina waved in dismissal. "Anyway, we were looking through the window to the daycare at the hospital. Watching you, all the kids playing. Your mom said- she said that she could do this. She could be a mom. She'd make jam and carpool, and it didn't matter that she got fired."

"She said that?"

"Yup, and I wondered where my Mer went." Cristina sipped her beer.

"No kidding," I agreed

"It was crazy. But it was honest. And after she stole you-"

"Stole me?"

"She freaked out. She hid with you in the hospital basement."

"She never told me that..." I half wondered if Cristina was making this up. But my aunt wasn't a liar.

"Really? She never told you that story?" Disbelief filled Cristina's tone. "I gotta make her tell you... " She muttered. "Anyway, the point is, at that time... for four hours, she didn't have a job, or Derek, because he was an ass, she didn't even have me." Another swig of beer as she pushed a thick lock of hair behind her ears. "For four hours she _needed_ you, a six month old slobbering, pooping baby. She was so scared of losing you, because she still only had temporary custody and it was feeling like she lost everything already. But _y_ _ou_ held her together."

I looked down at my hands. My mother needed me? But I was just a baby. I tried to picture her clutching my six-month old self in a supply closet in the basement. I couldn't. I'd rarely seen her vulnerable. Only recently, and those were just flashes in her eyes before she pulled herself together again.

Cristina's hand covered my own. "Right now, while she still has control of her life, she doesn't want to burden you with her own pain. So you have to give this to her okay?"

I sniffled, an unexpected sob forced it's way up. "I'm so scared about the future... what she'll go has another evaluation at the end of summer. I have to go with her."

"You're her baseline?" Cristina asked.

I sighed, I was already thinking about the future. In school, I'd taken courses on Alzheimers and Demetia, it was as if I was preparing myself, but you are never really prepared. "Yeah I guess. I'm going to be helping her a lot with stuff..."

"I know." A pause, Cristina squeezed my hand. "You can call me. And I will always call you back."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

xxx

 **Bailey**

"Penny for your thoughts?" Aunt Amelia asked, spinning a model of a brain on Mom's desk.

Somehow we'd ended up in the den after the picnic. I went in looking for some pictures of dad, and Auntie A (I shortened her name for fun) trailed in after me... to help I guess. I picked at the corner of the page of the album. There was a lot of pictures, family photos, selfies, pictures of us camping, pictures of us at the hospital. I ran my hand over a picture taken right after I was born. Dad, heavy bags under his eyes, holding me swaddled in a white blanket. But he had this stupid grin on his face, like 'look what I did!'

We had the same smile, mom always said. I looked up from the album into Amelia's deep blue eyes. She looked like him, just a female version.

"How's teaching at John's Hopkins?" I asked idly.

"Well, it's Baltimore, what can anyone say about Baltimore?" She retorted. "C'mon Bailey, give me something here."

The corner of my lips quirked. "Got all these pictures of us, our family. Which is great, but-" I sighed. "What was he like, you know, before?" Now that I was older, I was becoming more and more curious about my dad. My mother had only known him after he achieved success, but what was he like? How did he become him? I didn't know this side of my father. And I needed to know because that was where I was now.

"Before...?" Amelia asked.

"When he was my age, what was he like?"

Amelia sighed, sat down on the chair across from me. Her lips twisted in a thoughtful expression. She picked up the family photo of the five of us that mom had on the desk, glanced at it sadly. "Ambitious, cocky, wanted to save people..." she smiled, "Still annoying as hell." She caught my gaze from her sideways glance and put the picture back on the desk. "Kinda like you actually."

"Like me?" I wasn't sure if I believed her.

"Overprotective, generous, kind... leaps over tall buildings in a single bound." My Aunt's smile grew into a grin.

"You're comparing me to Superman?"

She shrugged, "Superpowers run in the family, I think."

"Really?" Of course she would say that. She'd been one of the best neurosurgeons in the country, second probably to my dad.

"You wanna cure Alzheimers."

I sighed, closed the album and put it on the desk. "I want to _do_ something."

"You're going to med school to be a doctor. A surgeon. Isn't that enough?"

I chewed my bottom lip nervously, "I thought it would be..."

Amelia held her hand palm up and waved it side to side, "but?"

I gestured to the room around us, "All of mom's research, all her cases. Dad's cases. The Grey name. The Shepherd name... Our hospital. We're going to lose it all."

"You don't know that."

"I was looking into clinical trials the other day, looking for something for mom... there's so much regulation it's insane. You know the hard part? She's not sick enough yet. Maybe for some of the drugs, but none of them have proven to be more effective. Her own drug that she developed doesn't even work for her type of Alzheimers."

"Bailey, there are people working at this very moment for a cure, people who know a lot more than you or I... or even your mother."

"She called me Derek the other day." I said.

 _It was late at night... or early in the morning depending on who you were. I was in the den with my tablet and headphones, listening to a video on the pros and cons of ultrasonic waves on the human brain, something that they just begun to test. When I heard a noise, I looked up to see mom in flannel pajama's leaning against the doorframe. She padded in, her hair sticking out from bed head, "Derek, there you are, what are you doing up?"_

 _I flinched and pulled my headphones off. "Hey mom," I said._

 _There was a pause-rewind-play look in Mom's eyes as she seemed to recognize her verbal slip._

" _Bailey," she said, correcting herself. "You should go to bed, it's late."_

 _I closed the window of my video playing and put the tablet down. "What about you?" I asked._

 _She tried to give a reassuring smile as she thumbed behind her. "I uh, was just getting a drink of water."_

 _I sighed, stretched and yawned. "You're right, it's late. Bed sounds good." I said as I stood up and walked past her._

" _Bailey?" she called softly after me._

" _Yeah?"_

" _Please... please don't try and fix me."_

"She told me not to fix her." I said sardonically.

"But you want to." Amelia leaned forward on the desk now, her tone decidedly more serious.

"I lost dad, I can't lose her too."

Amelia sighed, swallowed. A deep distant look cascaded over her features. She swept some dust off the corner of the desk with her hand. "Bailey... What if- what if you can't save her? What if you try, and it fails?"

I blinked. I'd never considered that before. What did she mean by that? "You don't think I can?" Because I was determined to try... I'd call every doctor dig up every paper, analyse every option. Something had to work.

"That's not what I'm saying at all." Amelia said, "I'm trying to prepare you... because unlike your parents, there is one thing they know that you don't."

"What?"

"They know what it feels to be _helpless_. And I'm not talking about patients that don't have a chance, I'm talking personally. Your dad watched his father get shot, right in front of him... and your mom... she watched him get shot on the catwalk.. They couldn't do anything. And these were people they loved desperately."

"Oh." I said. My mind whirred, stretched, as I considered what Auntie A was saying. But still... That was the point wasn't it? I _never_ wanted to feel helpless about my mother, so the solution was to find a cure, or treatment so I wouldn't have to witness it.

"I know what it's like to try and fix something..." she continued. But what if you can't? When you've done everything and it's still broken- not a great feeling to live with."

I shook my head. At least I could say I tried. "Auntie, A, I know what you're saying, and I appreciate it, but..."

"I know," Amelia said, "Look, I'm here. Whatever you want to do, I'll be here for you... just don't get so involved that you miss out on your mom okay?" Her eyes were soft and pleading.

There was a light knock on the door, and Mom's head poked through the crack. "Hey Bailey," she said to me. She looked tired, wet hair pulled in a tight ponytailish bun at the top of her head. But there was a spark in her eye I hadn't seen in a while. I supposed her trip had helped a little. "Hey Amelia, thanks for coming out. How's Owen?"

"He's good, he's at Joe's with Karev." Amelia replied.

"Oh good," she said. "Pizza's here if anyone wants."

"Awesome! I am _famished!_ " Amelia stood up, winked at me and joined Mom in the hallway.

xxx

 **Ellis 3AM**

Another late night. Cory dropped me off at home and I tried to be quiet as I struggled to open the door. I wasn't drunk, mildly tipsy maybe. Loose. I'd spent the evening working with Cory on his Tsunami project. He'd taken pictures at the memorial today and I worked with him to put them together in a sort of collage for a book he wanted to publish. There were some pictures... some not so nice, and that required a little alcohol to look at ojectedly. Ojectedly? Objectively. Okay, maybe I was a little drunk.

I tiptoed inside. I never used to have to do this, Mom used to be a heavy sleeper. Not so much anymore. Folded pizza boxes in the recycling bin caused me to check the fridge. Luckily there was lots of leftover pepperoni, with extra cheese. I tossed a couple slices from the fridge on a plate. Flopping on the couch, I fumbled with the remote to see what crap was on TV. As reached for my pizza, I heard something from down the hall. A yell.

I trotted toward the noise down the hall to investigate.

"Derek!" I heard my mother cry. Like a shot she burst out of her room. She darted to the bathroom pushing the door open- "Derek," she warbled. "Please! Where are you?" Out of the bathroom now, she ran to the den, "Derek! Where the hell are you!" Having found the den empty, she was back in the hallway, frantically looking around when her eyes landed on me. "Have you seen my husband? I... he was right here," she gestured around her.

I'd never seen her like this. My heart pounded, my mouth opened and closed. What was happening? What was wrong with her? She didn't recognize me. I told myself it was the dark.

My mother's gaze, which used to be fierce and intelligent, was confused and frenzied. I swallowed. "Mom, it's okay, um..." _Play along, play along,_ I thought. "He got called in for a surgery. He told me to tell you he's going to be awhile." I said. That was the simplest answer as it happened often enough before.

"He's doing a surgery?" Mom asked, her voice cracking with relief.

"He didn't want to wake you up," I replied. I wrapped my arms around myself as if it would comfort me.

"Oh." Mom said, she wiped her eyes and laughed. "God, I'm a mess."

I didn't want to send her to bed like that, so I took her hand. "Did you want some tea or something?"

"That sounds nice," she said as I led her to the living room. She sat down on the couch and picked up my pizza slice, like nothing happened. A few minutes later when I scrambled from the couch to get the kettle before the whistle got too loud, she came to herself. "He's not in surgery is he?" she said, folding herself into a tight ball.

"No." I replied. Nothing further needed to be said. I poured her tea and offered it to her.

She took the cup and clutched it with both hands like it was a life saver. "Chameleon?" she asked, sniffing the honey-colored brew.

Like the reptile? Now I was really confused. "Chameleon?" I repeated.

Mom looked just as confused as I did, but she gathered herself, "The tea... um, some kind of flower I think or..."

Oh! I got it now. Mom had a little verbal confusion. "Chamomile," I said softly.

" _Cham_ omile." Mom said, like she just remembered.

Awkward silence again as she sipped her tea. I took a few bites of pizza. I didn't know what to do... there's no manual for this.

But mom knew. "I probably freaked you out," she said. " _I_ freaked me out. I'm sorry. It was a dream- and then... I woke up but I didn't know that I woke up so..."

"It's alright mom."

"I keep losing him..." She almost whispered.

"Mom," I placated. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't know how. Stiff silence ensued in the dark living room again. I pondered just flicking the television on. I tapped the remote against my knee. Maybe she would finish her tea and go to bed.

But this was Meredith Grey we were talking about. And she knew when to _not_ to leave things alone. "So how come you didn't yell at me the other day?" She asked finally. "When you found out about where I went."

"You remember that?" I was hoping she would forget.

"Surprisingly... I do," she smiled like it was a point of pride that she remembered. " _You_ poured me coffee."

I swallowed thickly. Something in my heart pulled

"Well?"

"I wanted to yell at you, Mom. I was angry that you never took us with you. That you never offered. But..."

"What?"

"You made me grilled cheese."

"Okay, not computing. Grilled cheese translates to no yelling? I gotta do that more often." She grinned in amusement.

I smiled too. I could always do with more of Mom's grilled cheese. I made a note to myself to buy some real butter and cheese next time. And white bread. "I just realized that you were in it with us the whole time. You held it in, all year, while we vented on you, especially me... and yelling at you would've been stupid and petty and accomplish nothing except more hurt."

"Oh." Mom said, clearly shocked. I waited for her to stand up and feel my forehead for fever, but she seemed at a loss. "Ellis," she said softly instead. Like a thank you.

Another silence, but it wasn't awkward anymore. I reached out and touched her flannel-covered knee for a moment before pulling my hand back. My mind raced back to only a few minutes before when she asked me if I'd seen her 'husband' I believed her about the dream thing, but it was still discomfitting. I needed some perspective. "What was it like for you when your mom didn't recognize you?"

She rested her forehead on her knees and sighed. "I don't really want to think about that."

"Please?" I asked. I needed to know while she was still lucid.

"My world flipped," Mom said. "That's what's happening now isn't it? Your world is flipping."

Perceptive much? "I guess... maybe it's harder to hate you."

"Yeah?" she said, her voice hopeful. "I hated my mother too for a while. She-" Mom looked at me and sighed. "I spent the first half of my life trying to get her to notice me, to be proud of me. It was just me and her for a long time. I hated her, but she was my mother. When she got sick..."

Turbulant grey eyes met mine. "Right before she died," Mom continued. "She was lucid. I mean, she was there. It was like the last five years never happened. Like she didn't have Alzheimers. Richard said it was a gift. I avoided it, because I knew it wasn't. I finally got the courage to sit there and talk to her. She said she wanted to know me.

"When I told her... how happy I was... that I met someone, that I was a surgical resident-" She sucked in a breath, closed her eyes and winced. "She was still disappointed. Nothing changed. She was completely lucid for the first time in five years and all she wanted to know was if I was on track to change the world of medicine.

"She said things. Hurtful things. Things that I still carry with me to this day."

"Is that why you started your Alzheimers project?"

Mom nodded. "That's not the point right now, the point is... I had to make all the decisions for her by myself. Her life was essentially in my hands, and that's not something I would wish on my mortal enemy. But she was lucid, and we had a fight because I wanted her to live. Maybe I hated her, but I still loved her and I wanted her to be a part of my life in whatever capacity that was- and I wanted... I hoped for a cure, a breakthrough, more time... something.

"But she saw how she hurt me, how her illness affected me and..." Mom shrugged, unable to further articulate her thoughts and feelings of that moment.

"She wanted to die?" I asked.

"I came back later to give her the choice, surgery or no surgery, because... it was _her_ life, and this was the one thing that I could actually give her." Mom sniffed, "But she was gone."

Sudden dread hit me, "She died?"

"No, she wasn't lucid anymore. Which I think was worse. "

"Oh."

"Anyway... the point with all this stupid rambling is... You're not me some thirty years ago okay? You have a family who wants you, really wants you, and your father never would have left you if he had the choice. You have Bailey and Zola and a whole freaking village. I'm not my mother either, I have people. We have people. You're the second chance, Ellis."

That last sentence threw me. "What do you mean?" I asked

"When we were thinking of names for you," Mom beamed wistfully, "I googled 'Ellis.' Derek thought it hilarious. The origin of that name is pretty vague, it means God or something, or it could be related to Elijah. It suited my mother for sure. Honestly, I fought with myself to name you that, but it kept coming back to me and I realized naming you Ellis had nothing to do with the meaning of the name, but what it could mean for Derek and I." Mom sighed. "Zola was our first love... Bailey was an unexpected miracle, and you..."

Her eyes shone with tears, joyful tears. "We fought a lot before you were born. Even when I found out I was pregnant, we had to work hard to be happy. We had to change. I named you Ellis because you were our second chance at happiness.

"My mother made a lot of poor choices about life and love because she was afraid, and stiching a person together was a lot less scary than trying to be happy with people."

"So, by naming me Ellis..." I trailed, trying to connect her thoughts.

"I was teaching myself... you... how to be happy."

"I was a do-over?" I chuckled.

"Oh, there was a lot of 'doing,'" Mom laughed.

"Ew! Mom!"

"Hey, not my fault where your mind goes."

"Shut-up!" I said, covering my ears.

After the laughter, we sighed together. What my mom was going through, what she already endured, what she said about my name... My world was flipping. There was a torrent ripping through me that I had to release. I couldn't blame her anymore. Losing dad wasn't her fault, it wasn't anyone's. It just... was. "Mom," I said.

She looked up at me from her now empty mug of tea.

"I don't think I can hate you anymore." I said. "I don't even know... why I did in the first place," I croaked. I wish I did know, "Something happened on that boat with dad that I wish I could remember, and I blamed you... and- it's not your fault. I don't hate you anymore."

"El," Mom said, shaking her head slowly, as if she didn't believe me. But I took the mug from her, put it on the table and held both her hands in my own. "El?" she whispered in a choked sob, as if to ask _Really?_ I squeezed her hands. _Yes._

A six year-old dam of heartache broke in my mother, and I saw it all in her watery expression. She sobbed, her shoulders shook, tears ran down her face faster than an evening downpour. Six years of hearing _I hate you..._ Six years of me ignoring her attempts to draw me closer. Six years of questioning her motives, her love... six years of hate ended with the last five words I spoke.

This time there was no hesitation as I pulled her heaving sniffling body into mine. I never realized...

"I'm sorry," I whispered into her lavender scented hair. "I'm sorry, I love you and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

She couldn't speak. Instead she clutched me tighter still, until my body hurt. But I didn't care. For once, I would be there for her. I would always be there for her. Even if it hurt.

 **June 18 2034 North Cove, BC**

 **Derek.**

"Ready to go kiddo?" I asked Benny. As per usual, he didn't answer right away. He was engrossed in the digital camera I'd recently bought him for his birthday.

"Benny?" I asked again. I stepped closer to him, careful not to rock the boat too much. "Give me the camera, you have to put that away now."

"That's our boat," he said, handing me the camera. It was still on, and a picture filled the display. My sailboat Ellis, docked at North cove. But there was two women next to it, their backs to the camera. One woman was crouching, her hand running over the name Ellis, as if it had some meaning to her. The other woman stood dutifully beside her. In her right hand, she carried an empty liquor bottle. It looked familiar, so I zoomed in on it. I blinked. It was the same brand of scotch I enjoyed.

"Benny, when did you take this?" I asked.

He leaned over to look at the picture and whispered dates in his head. "Date: June sixteenth," he said. "Time: Four-fifty-five pm. Weather: Overcast, scattered showers, high of twenty-one degrees celsius, low of twelve..."

 **A/N:** Whew! Oh man! It's 2 am, I'm going to bed! Please review!


	25. Stupid Alzheimer's

**A/N:** Thanks to Mandyg67, Patsy, Pat (or zPat?), Harryfan626, Guest, roganjalex, ntlpurpolia, tinuviel21 for all your comments on last chapter. Also many thanks to all those who have faved and followed this fic! It really means a lot to me!

To busybee, thanks also for your comment about the book! So glad you read it and found it insightful! I'm rubbing off on people!

Breaking 100 000 words with this chap! The size of a paperback! Whew! Also broke 10 000 views for all my stories last month, which is incredible. **You Guys Are Incredible!** Frankly and honestly, having been struggling to find a job these last few months, posting new stories and chapters and recieving your comments has been one of my greatest **JOYS.**

Now onto the story:

 **Warning: Mild porny stuff below. Hardly porny. Barely... Just saying.**

 **Four months before the Tsunami:**

 **Meredith.**

" _It's done." I sighed happily, handing Derek my tablet._

 _Derek pushed himself off of the doorframe he was leaning on and reviewed the tablet. "Mm." he said, a slow-spreading smile on his lips._

" _Well?" I asked. Five years of research and dedication was on that tablet. Five years of consultations and trials and labs intermittent with a Neuro Fellowship and brain surgery, as well as keeping up with general._

" _Meredith- this is- wow! Fifty percent effectiveness rate?" The admiration in his voice was unmistakable, and filled me with pride._

" _Yes," I nodded, beaming like a kid in a candy store. The drug had shown positive results for thirty percent of the patients in the trial. It was huge progress in the land of medicine._

" _Fifty percent," he said again... shaking his head."Unbelievable. He stepped into the cramped lab and put the tablet on the counter. A strange look appeared on his face._

" _What?" I asked. I wasn't familiar with this look. Although the way his eyes crinkled probably meant it was a good thing._

" _I'm proud of you Mer," Derek said as he dipped his head to kiss me. He trapped my lips with his and sucked lightly._

" _Oh," I panted. God I missed him._

" _I missed you," he said, reading my thoughts. We hadn't gone anywhere. We hadn't been apart... just preoccupied. Busy with work and the kids and... life. While I toiled in the lab, he toiled in the OR, teaching new interns and residents, as well as running a few classes of his own._

 _The only time we were together alone lately was in the bedroom, and too often it was with the sounds of my snoring and not the sounds of our lovemaking._

 _I missed the lovemaking._

" _We should celebrate." Derek mused, "there's that new place Jackson always raves about... I could make a reservation- Oh!" he grunted when I pulled him further into the lab, kicking the door closed._

" _I don't care about reservations," I replied as I yanked off his lab coat. "How about first come first serve?" I pulled him closer to me, the scent of him filling my nostrils, his hard chest under my palms._

 _When our lips crashed together, there was no holding back. Months of pent-up sexual energy was now ready to be released. I had not a care in the world about anything else but My Husband._

 _He reached under my blouse, his fingertips brushing up alongside my hips, to my back. There was a small click as he undid my bra, and I felt the material fall away under his ministrations._

 _My Husband, who had first fought my decision to do this because of the tremendous commitment it would take. Family was everything to him._

 _We pulled away from the kiss only so I could wrench his scrub top over his perfectly tamed hair. I lined kisses down his trapezoid muscle, revelling in the salty taste of his skin. His breath was hot in my ear, and his stubble scraped my cheek lightly as he he moved to kiss me there... there, and there. He fumbled to unbutton my blouse, exposed to cool recycled air, I shivered with goose-bumps._

 _My Husband, who finally gave in when he realized that this was as close to a second chance I could get to saving my mother as I could._

 _His hands gripped my waist and he lifted me onto the counter. A counter that was supposed to remain sterile, but who cared now? I pushed the tablet and papers and files further back before wrapping my arms around Derek's neck. Once again, I plunged my tongue through his beautiful perfectly ready lips._

 _We were panting, breathless and half naked in a dingy lab in a tiny corner of the hospital. For a moment we paused, our sweaty foreheads touching. My hands rubbed his shoulders while he pressed his palms on my thighs._

" _Derek?" There was something I needed to know... I needed to make sure I heard._

" _Yeah?" He looked at me, his eyes hooded with desire._

 _I just needed to hear him say it again, "You're proud of me?"_

 _He pulled back just enough so I could see his expression. There it was again, that look. His grin wide, the thin crows-feet lines crinkling upward again, and something about his eyes... there was so much surety there. "I'm proud of you Meredith," he said. "I am so proud of you... You- I-"_

 _That was all I needed to hear._

 _My Husband, who believed in me. Who made me extraordinary because we were together. And that was all we had to be. We just had to be together._

 _I pulled his pants down further as he did my own, our desire for each other so deep and so... needed. Skin pressed on skin, our arousal grew and when I was ready I spread my legs and let him in. For the first time in months, it meant more than just a quickie as his length filled me._

 _We were together, connected. Extraordinary._

 **August 2034**

 **Seattle**

 **Meredith.**

I took another sip of my mocha latte as I stared into the microscope and sighed. No change. The small group of brain cells I had extracted from the mice still showed plaques and tangles consistent with my disease. "Mouse X, no change," I said into my voice recorder. I pulled the slide out from the plate and set it back into the file.

"Mouse Y." I said, reaching for the next slide. We'd been following the progress of a treatment involving injecting brain cells, so far the progress had been slow. A holding pattern. The problem was not about the brain cells themselves, but how to integrate the cells to be effective without being rejected. We had to tell the cell what kind of cell it was supposed to be... That was the most difficult part. I pushed the slide under the microscope. I viewed it and compared it with last week's slide. Damn. No decrease in the amount of dead cells that were hanging around there, a clear indicator that plaques were forming. "Mouse Y, slight growth." I said as I noted the measurements on the screen.

I pulled back from the scope and rubbed my eyes. This was exhausting. "Bailey, can you hand me the journal please?"

A thick white book slid in front of me and I ran my finger down, T, U, V, W... I followed my highlighted marks. I stopped at X and my pencil hovered over the square. I licked my lips. X... My brain stalled. X... X X-ray, Xylophone- X Y Z, E... What was I doing? "Mouse X..." I repeated, "Um..." I looked up at Bailey and he looked back at me, encouraging me with a nod.

 _You can't fix me. Please don't try to fix me._

"Mouse X," I breathed, "No change." and scribbled a zero into the square. I picked up the highlighter and slid it across the page, the fluorescent yellow imprinting on my brain. Y was next. Y. Why? "Mouse Y..." Surely I knew this one. Under the recently painted yellow line, I scribbled in a zero. Stared at it, turned the pencil around and erased the number. Squinted. Wrote zero. Ugh. No that wasn't right. I paused. Five percent increase. How do I write five again? Somehow muscle memory took over and a funny looking S appeared in the square.

S. S T U V. I ran my finger down the sheet. S was done. Oh. I picked up the highlighter and ran it across the Y line.

"Mouse Z?" I said, holding out my hand for the slide. Bailey wordlessly handed it to me and I slid it onto the microscope plate. I didn't want him here, but he insisted.

 _Trials are... can be heartbreaking. I really don't want you to see-_

 _Mom... please. I need to know._

xxx

"Mrs. Thompson?" I called looking up from my clipboard. An elderly woman stood up from her seat in the waiting room of the clinic. I smiled at her to put her at ease. "Please come this way, we have a bed for you..." I looked around at the beds. Which bed? I looked back at my clipboard. Luckily I had a cheat sheet. The word Thompson was written at a bed in the diagram. Bed five. "Over here."

She sat down on the bed, leaning her cane against a nearby chair. Patient history. That was my job. "Okay Mrs. Thompson, my name is Meredith, I'm an assistant here. I'm just going to ask you a few questions-"

"Oh, you're not the doctor?" she asked.

I shook my head with a sad smile, "Um... I'm just a volunteer, the doctor will see you shortly. You said you've been coughing a lot lately?" I asked looking at my clipboard.

"Yes, it started two weeks ago."

"Dry or wet cough?" I asked.

"Oh, I've seen some phlegm.. I got worried when I saw red spots." She said.

I checked the list. "What colour was the phlegm?"

"Green," she said.

"Okay," I picked up the thermometer and checked her temperature. Mild fever. I checked another box. "Are you a smoker? Any history of athsma or allergies?"

"Oh, I quit smoking twenty years ago. I'm allergic to cats, but haven't been around one recently." she replied before coughing. I offered her a tissue and double checked my notes. Something concerned me about her cough, she was breathing heavily. I wished I still carried my stethoscope.

"I was hoping it would just go away," she said, "but it's still here."

I offered her a faint smile. "Well Dr. Sullivan will be here in a moment to see you, and he'll take a closer look."

She nodded, "Good," she said.

"Do you mind if I-?" I reached for her wrist to check her pulse. It was pretty high.

"For a volunteer, you seem very professional."

"Oh," I sighed. "I've just been... around the block a few times." Technically, I still had a medical license, but I didn't dare announce that to the world. I carefully wrote a few more notes on her chart. "Just lay back, he'll be with you soon." I detached the sheet from my clipboard and affixed it to the sleeve by her bed. Then I made my way back to the desk where I checked the intake list.

Janice Thompson had already been highlighted off, so I looked at the one underneath. Michael Lewis. "Michael Lewis?" I called.

A young man stood up clutching his arm. "Right this way," I said, leading him to bed four. He sat down and I began my history with him as I looked at his arm. It appeared to be a simple fracture. He just needed an X-ray and a cast. But I wasn't a practising doctor. I smiled and assured him that it was an easy fix and it would be a few minutes. As I applied a fresh ice-pack I heard Dr. Sullivan at the bed beside me.

"Well Mrs. Thompson, according to your chart, I'd say you have bronchitis. There really isn't much needed for treatment here... it should resolve soon with-"

Bronchitis? I sincerely questioned that diagnosis. Did he even listen to her breath sounds? "Excuse me!" I interrupted, swinging the curtain open on bed five.

"Uh, Meredith?" The young doctor asked looking up with shock. Sullivan was new, a fresh faced first year ER resident, and It was clear he didn't give a damn about proper medicine.

"Are you sure it's bronchitis? Did you check her breath sounds? Bronchitis doesn't usually present with fever- you should-"

"Meredith, I'm the doctor here," he said, pulling at the lapel of his white lab coat.

"If you are a _doctor_ you should know to do an actual physical exam, instead of relying on the chart! Her pulse is elevated, she has a borderline fever- _those_ are also indicators of pneumonia."

Sullivan smugly shook his head. "Excuse me, how long have you been here? Three months? Did you spend two-hundred-thousand dollars on med school? Excuse her, Mrs Thompson, she's new." He went to make a note on the clipboard.

The urge to punch him in the face was almost impossible to quell. Instead of punching him, I snapped the clipboard out of his hands. "Dr. Sullivan, I think you should take that back." I gritted.

He scoffed. "Just who do you think you are? You're only here because of Zola."

Now I really wanted to punch him in the face.

"Do you really think it's pneumonia?" Mrs. Thompson asked me.

I was ninety-eight percent sure. I could never be a hundred percent sure until the tests were done, but- "An X-ray of your lungs will be able to tell for sure, but yes, I'm positive."

"Mrs. Thompson, I don't think an x-ray is necessary-" Sullivan interrupted.

I turned on the young doctor, how could he be so careless? "You know what's not necessary? You. You're not necessary," I snapped. "Who am I? Seriously? I'm a freakin' doctor with more than thirty years experience taking people apart and putting them together again. I was the chief of surgery at Grey-Sloan.

"My name? Meredith. _Fucking_. Grey, "I snarled. "See the badge? So _Sullivan_ , did you check her breath sounds? You'll probably hear a little fluid in there. If you don't want to take my word for it, take her for an X-ray. But really, you are dripping incompetence like a leaky faucet. Fever? Check. Elevated pulse? Check. Blood in phlegm? Check.

"Pneumonia, Sullivan. Don't believe me? Read your five-hundred dollar medical textbook, and while you're at it, read the acknowledgements and you'll see my name listed there as a thank you for my part in writing the anatomy section...

"Can _you_ recite the hepatic vein structure of the liver? How about the steps for an appendectomy? Oh wait, you're an _ER_ resident, you don't _perform_ surgery. How about the ABC's then? Because that's what you should be brushing up on. Airway, Breathing, Circulation... you should know this in your sleep!" I shoved the clipboard back at the red-faced doctor..

Sullivan gulped and stared. The patient clutched her purse and looked at me with shock and... admiration? The other patient in the bed beside me cleared his throat nervously.

The room spun, I panted. My heart thud thudded in my chest going a thousand miles a minute. Around me everyone was staring, the patients, the staff. A cleaner walked by, rubbernecking as he passed.

"I think I should have an X-ray." I heard the lady say, but I didn't stay to wait for the response. Instead I walked away, out of the clinic.

xxx

I barely felt the rain as I stormed out. Breathe, I told myself. Just breathe. Stupid fucking resident, who did he think he was? A physical exam was a basic principle, and just because he was working in a clinic, not a- a-a... Stupid fucking resident... how dare he talk to me that way! I am the Chief of Surgery. The Chief! I should give him a piece of my mind!

A sudden giggle escaped my lips. I probably should keep as many pieces of my mind as possible... my brain was shrinking. Everyday, a few thousand brain cells were dying, forming plaques and tangles in my brain structure, blocking off connections to my memory... right now, my hippocampus probably looked like a sponge, small holes everywhere, gaps where-

What was I doing? I stopped, I was at a street corner. What? Where was I? I looked around, trying to get my bearings. The street was familiar but... I didn't know where I was supposed to go. I felt in my pockets for my phone, I should call someone... Zola. I should call Zola. But my phone... it was gone.

I waited in a line. A coffee shop or a cafe or something. The person in front of me ordered something, paid, and moved along to wait for her order. Automatically I stepped forward, staring at the menu.

"Hello, what can I get for you?" The perky barista asked. She was blonde, and her cheerfulness reminded me of Izzie.

But the jumble of words above me made no sense. A frappa-cappa what? An image came to mind of a hot sweet foamy drink. That's what I wanted. With the coffee-shot. What was it called? I had it earlier with Bailey. "Umm, I'll have... you know it has that white stuff that-uh comes from a cow- I mean foam and... don't you shoot it with something? I mean inject-"

I couldn't remember. People behind me hummed impatiently. I played nervously with my fingers as I gaped, at a sudden loss of words. Milk. Sugar. Chocolate. Beans. Mixed together, that's what I wanted... but how do I say it?

"Ma'am?" The barista asked. I continued to stare at the menu, hoping something would make sense.

"Mom?"

Someone touched my shoulder. I jumped and turned around. It was Ellis. A sigh of relief escaped me when I saw her. Finally, something tangible and familiar. Still... "Ellis, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in school?"

"C'mon mom, go sit down, I'll make you a mocha latte, just how you like it." She led me to a worn tan leather couch.

 _Mocha latte._ That was it. That was what I wanted. "Oh, thank you. Yes please."

I watched her leave and go behind the counter- what was she doing there? But then I remembered that I needed to pay for the drink and I reached into the pockets of my lavender scrubs for some change, or maybe my wallet, but my pockets were empty. Where was my purse?

Stupid Alzheimer's

My hands filled with heat as Ellis passed me the drink, and I sipped eagerly, thankful for the drink to warm me up. But Ellis seemed worried. Her usual fun-loving blue eyes were clouded with a darker shade of worry and I became nervous. Obviously something happened. I did something.

"Mom, don't you still have another hour at the clinic?"

I looked at my watch, but it was a useless exercise. I didn't even remember what shift I was supposed to be working. "I don't know?"

"Mom?" Ellis probed.

Stupid Alzheimer's again. "I think a few more brain cells died today El," I said with a shaky smile. "Down a few hundred thousand or so..."

"I'm going to call Zo-" Ellis said, reaching for her phone.

Sudden panic filled me, embarrassment, shame. Something happened at the clinic. I said some things, and stuff happened and... it wasn't good, I was sure. Zola wouldn't be happy. I clutched Ellis' arm before she could finish dialling. "Can you just tell her I'm okay? I don't want her to come pick me up right away... I just want to sit here for awhile, please?"

Ellis nodded with unexpected understanding, "Sure mom. _Are_ you okay? What happened?"

"I yelled at someone," I said. Somehow I remembered that. The shocked look on his face, and saying something about being Chief even though now I knew I wasn't and-

"Did they deserve it?" Ellis asked.

I thought about it carefully, trying to backtrack, rewind... I wasn't sure at first, but then I remembered it was about an improper diagnosis, and a patient asking for an X-ray, and the red-faced look on the doctor's face as I upended whatever preconceived notions he had about my medical knowledge. "Yes," I smiled awkwardly. At least I could still remember how to take out an appendix right? At least I could still remember my daughter's face.

Ellis patted my knee and smiled mischievously, "Good." she said.

xxx

 **A few days later...**

I paced the waiting room. It'd been a long day, full of tests and questions and drawing pictures of clocks for some reason, and now Dr. Allan was talking to Zola, comparing notes... she was probably telling him about the time when I ran away, or the other time when I went grocery shopping and forgot my purse and accused someone of stealing it. She was probably saying-

Oh God, Grey, stop with the freaking paranoia already. This was _Zola,_ my daughter. My lifeline.

Stop it.

She was doing the right thing. After my interview with Allan, she had to fill out a questionnaire about how I behaved at home and in other places. It was routine. I knew this, I'd done it with my mother so many years ago.

So I sat down, tapped my foot, stood up again and paced... The only thing that bothered me now is that my score had dropped from last time. Last time, my score was a thirty-two. Pretty good. Now it was twenty-nine. In six months, it had dropped three points. That was more than I wanted.

Bailey would be upset, I knew. He'd probably search the internet for some new treatment for me to take, or to see if maybe _now_ I qualified for something. I sighed as another thought occurred to me, clinical trials were not covered by insurance.

And then, a more troubling thought occurred to me. Insurance. Bills. My finances. Crap. I'd left most of the everyday banking stuff to Zola- but... how much did all this cost?

I paced again. Zola exited Dr. Allan's office, a few words of conclusion exchanged between them. She strode toward me, "Ready to go, mom?" she asked.

"Yes, let's go." I said, walking in step beside her.

"Don't forget your purse."

Purse. Right. I turned back to the waiting room and picked up my purse, slinging it over my shoulder as I followed her out to the car. I pulled out my phone, I had to make an appointment with the lawyer. But wait, according to my calendar, I already did... to appoint Bailey medical power of attorney and Zola financial power of attorney. But still, I had something else to discuss with him, and I had to make sure I remembered what it would be about. I made a note in my phone, and then I emailed the lawyer, asking if I could meet him for lunch after the first meeting and squeeze something in. I shot a glance at Zola, sighed and swallowed. "Zola, I need to stop at the bank."

Stupid Alzheimer's

xxx

The kids were gathered out on the deck that evening as we enjoyed summer barbecue by Bailey. I watched them through the screen for a few moments before joining them with the few items I gathered in a shoe-box.

"And then, apparently she said that Sullivan was dripping incompetence like a leaky faucet!" Zola said giggling.

"Oh my God!" Ellis exclaimed, sipping her wine.

"I can totally see mom doing that," Bailey added. "He's lucky she didn't punch him in the face!"

"Somehow, I don't think her ineffectual fists are that ineffectual..." Zola chimed in.

I smiled, knowing they were talking about me, but I was okay with that because they were laughing. Laughing about their poor Alzheimer-y mother who yelled at the incompetent ER resident what's-his-face about who-knows-what. But it was funny. And it meant that I was still there. I was still Meredith, still their mother.

"Ahem." I cleared my throat.

"Hey mom," they all chorused.

Bailey stood up and grabbed me a plate to fill up with... "Steak?" I asked.

"Yup. Prime rib."

"Bailey, did I ever tell you how much I love you?" I asked, my mouth watering at the succulent expectation of the delicious seasoned meat on my taste buds. Mmmm... It'd felt like ages since I had steak.

He shrugged and gave me a lopsided grin. "Only when I make steak," he teased.

"Then you have to make steak more often." I joked back.

We ate in silence as I devoured the delicious dinner. Steak, potatoes, green things... and yes I did know what the green things were. It was just Meredith-speak in my head. When finally it was done, I pushed the plate away, sated.

The sun was dipping behind a hill, but the light still reflected off the far-away lake. It sparkled.

"Big day tomorrow guys," I said.

"Yeah," Zola said softly.

Crap, now the laughter was gone. "I'm selling my soul to the devil," I said wryly.

"Hah hah." Bailey remarked with sarcasm.

"Serious. Zola, where are your horns?"

"Oh, she left them at work, after she balled out the incompetent ER resident." Ellis added, earning her an eye roll from her big sister.

But this was a serious matter. I was entrusting my life to my children. When or if I disappeared fully into the haze of my disease, they were the ones to call the shots. When I first thought about it, I considered assigning the roles to Cristina, or Alex, or even Maggie... because I didn't want my kids to bear the burden themselves, like I had done. But then I realized that more than my most precious friends, my kids were in this with me.

And honestly? If anything did happen... Cristina, Alex and Maggie would ask the kids what they wanted to do anyway... so it would just be deferred power.

So I just sucked it up and asked them. And they said yes. I selected Bailey as my medical power of attorney, because he was most interested in me medically anyway... and also because I knew he could handle the burden of making a tough call.

My wishes were clear: Keep me alive until it was too painful for _them._ As long as I was still active and mostly there... I didn't want to die. But if it got bad, and I was in the hospital and things were grim... well I didn't want to be a vegetable.

Zola was responsible for the finances... I had already made all our accounts joint accounts and cancelled most of my cards. The house was paid off already, but health insurance was a nightmare, and my medical bills would be the biggest expense. I had a plan for that, I just couldn't tell them yet.

"Okay..." I breathed. "I- um, have some stuff for you guys," I said as I picked up the small shoe-box, "before I forget..." I chuckled, earning groans from the kids. I picked up the first item, my stethoscope. "Zola, this is for you..."

"What?" she asked shocked.

"You're done your course," I smiled, "You are a Nurse Practitioner! So... wear it with pride."

"But mom- this is yours..." she said, tearing up as she held it.

I couldn't use it anymore, it would be unethical. What if my Alzheimer-y brain heard something I couldn't remember to diagnose? No, despite my still vast medical knowledge... it was only right to pass this on. "It's yours now," I said. "I already got it engraved anyway."

Zola peered at the instrument, on one side my name _Dr. Meredith Grey_ was engraved on it, and on the other side Zola Shepherd's name shone through, _Zola Shepherd, NP._

"Mom..." She said, clutching the stethoscope to her chest.

"Use it wisely." I replied, before reaching into the shoe-box for the second item.

My fingers trembled as I felt the soft worn fabric of the piece in my hands, but it was time... time to pass this on. "Bailey," I said, handing the object over to him. "You're the surgeon now."

He held the ferryboat scrub cap lightly in his fingers. He choked back a sob and ran his fingers through his hair. I couldn't watch, so I just looked back into the shoe-box at the third item.

Ellis had been the hardest. I tore up my whole office and my bedroom looking for it. But she needed this. She deserved it. My fingers closed around the worn red notebook. I didn't know what this would mean for us... but-

"This is for you," I said, handing her the book. "All the-um," my voice caught. "All the numbers... all the people I called, trying to find... your Dad. I know you haven't given up yet, so..."

Then I couldn't take it anymore, I pushed out of my chair, and stormed back inside before the dam burst.

xxx

 **The next day**

 **Meredith**

The papers were signed. Everything was done. The lawyer had been thorough and efficient, and I was satisfied.

But there was one more thing to be done. Something I would hate myself for... but it was necessary now. I never thought I would have to do it, but with my inevitable decline I had to prepare for the future. Anything could happen. I could live like this for another ten years or die tomorrow, and I had to make sure that my children would benefit.

I met with my lawyer alone. Zola had already gone to take Bailey to the airport and Ellis to work. I'd be taking a taxi home.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked.

I shook my head, "No, but I have to."

"Okay," he nodded as he took the form out of his briefcase. He clearly and carefully read me the declaration, and asked if I understood. When I nodded, he handed me a pen. "Sign here..." he pointed to the line.

I signed slowly, every stroke ached. My fingers shook. I swallowed a lump as I put the pen down.

I had just declared my husband officially dead.

"It's just on paper right?... I mean, only on paper? He could still be alive right?"

"It's just paper." He confirmed.

Right. Paper. But for the moment I felt like I murdered Derek Shepherd, my husband. We should've planned better- this never should've-

Stupid medical bills.

Stupid fucking Alzheimer's.

 **A/N:** Bah! I agree with Mer! Please review!


	26. As seen on TV

**A/N:** Okay, the response last chapter was **incredible!** Thank you everybody! I did now get a job... but I'm still chipping away at this story, don't worry.

Thanks to: Mandyg67, Alyce-Cullen, Diane, Patsy, Harryfan626, Judy, roganjalex, greysfannn, ntlpurpolia, Ai Ling, Japa01. Your comments mean a lot to me, and always spur me on...

Pat, your comment was especially heartfelt about your own situation... I'm touched by your affirmation. My dad is 76, and my mom 61 and so we've done the power of attorney stuff already and we talk a lot about the future so... that is never far from me when I write this.

Just a disclaimer: I do not have any first or second hand knowledge of Alzheimer's per se, All of my information has come from books and the internet. So in references to Meredith's experience, it's a mix of stuff I've heard or read about re-imagined for your purview.

In references to a 'cure' or treatment, it's made up but based on science I found on the internet.

The format is going to be different here... documentary style! Imagine that you are a camera when you read this... And note the jump in year!

 **September 2035 Seattle.**

"Is that thing on?" A woman's voice says, the view shifts from black to yellow orange as the camera takes in the glow from the sun.

"Yes, we're on, ma'am." The camera settles and stills. The lens focuses on a slight woman in jeans walking on a gravel path bordered by evergreens.

"This is so weird," she tucks a strand of blonde hair behind her ear.

"So, we'll just start with your name and go from there?" asks the narrator.

The woman nods and sighs loudly. You can see she is past middle age, the lines on her face are a little world weary but her complexion is clear, her eyes intelligent and wise. She turns away from the camera and you see the stunning view of Seattle in the early afternoon. The sun is shining high in the sky, pushing grey clouds away from the sea. The skyline of seattle is magnificent. The space needle captures attention even among glittering skyscrapers. A ferryboat is pulling in from Bainbridge to dock at the pier.

"Ma'am?" The camera pulls back and refocuses on her face.

"Sorry... I just miss-," she swallows. "So where were we? My name?"

"Yes, your name, and a little bit about yourself and your diagnosis."

"Okay," she says, and now you have a full view of the woman. Her attire is an off white hoodie with a purple quilted fall vest around her small frame, simple jeans and white running shoes. Her cheeks are rosy attesting to the mild chill in the air despite the sunshine. When she blinks, her eyes seem to change color, from green to grey to light blue as the sun and sky reflect off them. "I'm Meredith Grey, and I was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's a year and a half ago."

"Walk toward the camera and tell us a little more about yourself." A bland male voice asks.

"Um, okay... " The angle shifts now, and the camera man must be in front of her, walking backwards as she follows his instructions. "What do you want to know?"

"Tell us about your family, do you have any children?"

Her expression brightens, her lips pulling into a beautiful smile flashing white teeth. "I have three kids, they're all grown up now." She counts with her fingers, "Uh Zola- we adopted her, she's a nurse practitioner, she helps run a clinic I think." Another finger, "Um there's my son Bailey, he's in Med school, he wants to be a surgeon." Third finger, "And Ellis, she works at ..." she shakes her head. "I can't remember the name of the dammed place she works at, but it's nice. She serves coffee there, and she works on her art and... she um... what's the word? Like what you're doing now but not a movie...shoot, I can't remember."

"Photography?"

"Yes! That's it."

"What about your husband?"

Her bright smile fades, and she turns from the sun, causing a shadow to cast over her features. "Well the tsunami... he was lost in the tsunami..."

"I'm very sorry..."

She shrugs and continues walking. Only the sound of footsteps on gravel can be heard. An unsettling _crunch crunch crunch._ "Where were we?" she asks.

 **Nanaimo, September 2035**

"Hello, my name is Chelsea Brandt," There's a slight blur, a hand reaches over, the view sharpens on a young red headed woman in her twenties. She has large glasses that frame her face, and you get the impression that she wears them for style. "I'm a journalism student from Van U, I'm here in Nanaimo BC, to track down a rumor of an amnesiac man who now works for Vancouver Island search and rescue."

The camera sharply shifts to a two-storey garage-like building about half a block away. A sign reads Naniamo Fire Dept. & Regional Search and Rescue. # 5 Chelsea's black and pink sketcher shoes appear in the bottom of the screen as she walks, and the camera shakes a little from the wind. "So we've heard from a couple drunk fisherman that this guy used to work with them, and he apparently saved a woman's life three weeks ago, but refused any recognition, in fact... he seemed to fall off the radar completely. However, we think he might be working here... let's go and find out shall we?"

 **Seattle**

The camera pans a shot of specialized lab equipment, vials and tablet computers. There's a few assistants in white lab coats discussing things in low voices. Some are executing delicate work using eyedroppers, slides and petri dishes. Meredith is talking to one of her assistants. The camera zooms in on Meredith looking over something on the tablet.

"Any change from last week?" she asks.

The assistant nods and seems eager to be involved. "The ultrasonic waves did clear some of the plaques Dr. Grey," he says, "but it was minimal, we're still running tests on mice A through L to determine the impact."

"Very well." Merdith furrows her brow, concentrating, she types something in on the tablet. "And the stem cells?"

The assistant walks over to a cooler, where he removes a petri dish. Meredith follows dutifully behind. The petri dish is placed under a very powerful microscope, and Meredith takes a look. There's a quiet moment and a flash of anxiousness on the junior doctor's face. "Good job at isolating the neurons," Meredith says, and he relaxes. "Now we just have to figure out how to make them active..." she sighs and rubs her forehead. "Can you email the results to me and cc Dr. Cuningham at the NIH? We've been talking about this."

"Of course, doctor Grey."

"Thank you... um Doctor-

"Graham."

"Thank you Dr. Graham."

Dr. Grey nods and takes off her labcoat as she exits the lab. When she closes the door, she leans against it. "I...think that was good. I think."

"Any closer to a cure Dr. Grey?"

Where we once saw quiet intelligence, there is now frustration and confusion... "I always wonder what they're really doing in the lab, behind my back. There never seems to be any progress." She swallows and looks at her hands. "But maybe that's the Alzheimer's talking. Right now, I feel like I'm just a figurehead. I can't... concentrate anymore on the data or work on samples. It's hard to be in there and feel useful."

"That's too bad."

"It sucks." Meredith pushes herself off the door and walks down the camera follows her straight ahead, then left, then left again. Meredith stops in the hallway, obviously disoriented. She sits down on a chair, her face blank, as if she is lost in thought. For a long time she just watches patients and the usual hospital staff walk by, no one pays any mind.

"Grey?" Someone off camera calls. She looks up. The camera zooms out to reveal a stout well dressed black woman in a white labcoat holding a tablet, her head tilted to one side curiously.

"Bailey!" Meredith exclaims like she hadn't seen that woman in ages.

"What are you doin' sitting like a bump on a log?"

Meredith fidgets with her fingers." I guess I got lost," she says softly.

"You done in the lab?"

"I think so."

"Come on, I'll walk you down."

Meredith looks relieved. "Thanks," she says and gets up to follow Bailey. Bailey softly touches Meredith's shoulder for the briefest second as they walk away from the camera.

There's the sound of sneakers squeaking and quiet murmuring of patients and staff. A patient walks by with an IV pole and the scene fades out.

xxx

 **Naniamo, BC**

Chelsea Brandt's face fills the screen, "Okay," she whispers, "I've been asking around... and I think I found the guy." She chances a glance behind her. "Grey hair, two o'clock." The camera lifts over her head and refocuses on a guy in a dark blue paramedic uniform, chatting with his co-workers. "He goes by the name Chris..." Chelsea says off screen.

The camera shifts and rustles, and we go back to the student's pale face. "I'm gonna go in and talk to him... just a few casual questions first."

[Cut to black.]

The camera blinks on, and we see the man up close for the first time. He wears a thin well trimmed black beard streaked with silver. His hair is silver black curly waves, combed loosely with a side part. Sharp blue eyes peer out through slight crows feet and dark brows. He's tanned and weather worn, but looks fit and healthy.

Chelsea clears her throat, "So Chris, what's it like being the newest, but the oldest member of Nanaimo's Search and Rescue?"

"Well, that's a good question... " He smiles broadly. "I had to work out a lot to get into shape so I could keep up, but other than that, you know... I feel like the guys kind of look up to me, probably because of the gray hair," he runs a hand through thick curls, "They pranked me a couple times- But I got them back," he laughs.

"So did you go to school or something?" Chelsea asks.

Chris crosses his arms and leans against the back of the ambulance. "I had to go to school and take paramedic training, a little fireman's training. But you know... a lot of it just made sense to me... it just kind of clicked." He snaps his fingers.

"Why did you decide after all this time that you wanted to do this?"

His eyes are haunted for a moment. "Well, after the tsunami, I um... a lot of things happened you know? And my life- -Well I felt like I was drowning. I didn't know who I was anymore... I got a little depressed. So when my friend Lynn suggested that I could actually help people, and that my own personal experience would be relevant... I decided to go for it."

"Wow," Chelsea said, "It seems like you've been through a lot... What do you mean when you said you didn't know who you were anymore?"

Chris' easy-going charm falters. "Wh-what?"

"So are you talking literal not-knowing who you are or is it figurative, like... you lost your sense of self or purpose..."

The twinkle in his eyes are gone, "You-know, I think this conversation is over now- you can go."

"But Chris..."

A shadow of distrust casts over his features. "We're done here." He steps forward, and the camera points to the ground, showing worn ashphalt and a yellow painted line. Then black.

 **November 2035 Seattle.**

We see the exterior of a large house on the corner of the block in a Seattle neighborhood.

[Cut to front door.]

Meredith and another young woman are standing on the porch. Meredith looks relaxed, carrying a six pack of beer. The young woman beside her glares at the camera with intense blue eyes. [Insert white subtitle: _Ellis Shepherd, Meredith's Youngest Daughter._ ] "Mom, they have to be here too?"

"Well, uh I think it's important to see the whole thing." Meredith offers.

"Fine," Ellis scowls.

Meredith shrugs and shakes her head.

The door swings open, revealing a well built man with salt and pepper hair and gotee. "Hey, where's the beer?" he asks.

Meredith grins and holds up the six-pack. "Right here," she says stepping forward, "Where's the pizza?"

"Inside." He nods to the camera, bristling like a bulldog as he gives it a suspicious once over.

"This the guy?"

Meredith tucks a strand of hair behind her ears a little timid, "Is that okay?"

He shrugs, "If you're cool with it..."

"I am most of the time," Meredith says, and her eyelids squint into a sort of 'evil eye' too.

"Just don't drink my beer." The man says gruffly, stepping back to let Ellis in, who seems eager to avoid the camera.

Meredith rolls her eyes, amused at her friend's protectiveness. "Alex and his beer. C'mon," she says and the camera follows her in.

Meredith pulls the camera toward her. "This used to be our house, I lived here with my parents, and later when I was a resident at Seattle Grace." She sighs and we follow her gaze around the lobby of the house. She seems wistful. "We got Zola here..." she points to a doorframe by the livingroom. Her long fingers run along the side. "See?" A huge smile lights her face, and we see a small indent about two feet high off the ground embedded into the painted wood. "When Zola was taking her first steps." A finger stabs at another one, just above it. "That mark is from when I was a two-foot- terror." The camera pans up a short trail of small marks engraved in the wood.

[Cut to living room.]

We see a couple sofas and chairs spread lacksidaisically amidst bookshelves and photos on the wall. An obvious video game is paused on the flatscreen television embedded in the wall. On the fireplace mantle, framed wedding and family pictures. There's a recent picture of Alex dressed as Santa holding two fingers behind Ellis' head.

On the coffee table, a large pizza box rests open, two slices already missing. Alex falls into a very soft comfy chair and scoops up a deck of cards. "Poker?" he asks, shuffling the cards.

"Deal us in." Meredith takes a seat perpendicular to him. Ellis sits next to her, still wary of the camera though. Meredith looks around, "Where's Jo?"

"She got called in, chemical burn patient." Alex starts dealing the cards.

"Oooh that's nasty." Meredith replies, picking up a slice of pizza.

"I'm gonna grab some chips." Ellis chimes in, "Mom, wanna root beer?"

"Sure."

As if to stir up trouble, the camera follows Ellis. "What do you want?" She snarls as she enters the kitchen. "You know, I don't get why my mom asked you to record this. Us. I think it's ridiculous."

"What's ridiculous?" says Meredith, entering the room, she's carrying the rest of the beer to put in the fridge.

Ellis nods toward the camera. "This. Them."

Meredith looks over at the camera. "Oh." She sighs, "I thought I told you why..."

"You did, but I think it's stupid."

"Well, what did I say about it?"

"Do you even remember?"

"Don't insult my intelligence, Ellis. Maybe I remember, maybe I don't. But if I asked people to film me, I did it for a reason. My memory may skip like a broken-whatever, but right now, I like to think the reasoning and logic centers in my cerebrum are mostly intact. And if I asked them to follow me along like lost puppies, then I did it for a reason." She glances at the camera, "I hope."

Ellis says nothing. She reaches up to the cupboard and pulls out a jumbo bag of chips and hunts through the kitchen to find a large bowl. "Whatever, mom, it's... it's fine." She sighs.

"Well okay then." Meredith says, but her face is blank, like she didn't even recall the intense conversation. "I brought beer. Where's Alex?" she asks. "Who's that guy?"

[Cut back to living room.]

"What took you so long?" Alex asks. Ellis nods to the camera. "Oh. Well let's get this show on the road." He flips a card over in the middle of the table.

"Where's Jo?" Meredith asks.

"Got called in. " He pushes a couple poker chips into the pot. "Call."

"Oh." Meredith says. She looks at the cards, looks at her hand. "What are we playing?"

"Texas hold'em. Call or raise Mer."

She eyes Ellis and Alex carefully before glancing at her cards. "Call." She mimics Alex's earlier action, pushing two chips into the pile.

The camera settles as they go through a few rounds. Surprisingly, Meredith appears to be winning. Although she keeps asking where Jo is, and often has to be reminded what to do on her turn.

[Fade out.]

[Fade in.]

Meredith is curled up on Alex's couch sleeping. Ellis is idly watching the news. The camera zooms in on Alex. "You've been friends with Meredith for a long time... what are your thoughts?"

Alex sips his beer. "It's fucked up... this whole friggin' thing. She lost her mom, her husband, now she's losing herself... It's fucked. Besides Jo, Mer's my best friend. It was always supposed to be us you know, at the finish line. Now it's just me."

The camera moves from Alex back to Meredith, who shifts slightly on the couch. Ellis pats her knee.

"Even though she's got this disease," Alex says," She still tries, you know. She's still here."

 **Naniamo, BC**

There's a flash of orange-red hair and a familiar pale face on the screen. "Me again, Chelsea... I managed to have an 'off the record' conversation with Chris, our mysterious hero, and he's agreed to speak to me. Finally. He invited me to meet me at this pub." She smiles a little. "I hope I can get this story, he was really weird about meeting me..." The camera turns to the bar, the Dinghy Dock Pub, which comes closer into view as Chelsea approaches. "Here we go," she says.

There's the bustle of people as Chelsea finds a spot, a quiet booth in a corner. The general hubub of the busy place quiets down a little, but the camera tilts this way and that as it's repositioned, and the image is set on a wide view of the table, with the booth seats visible on each side. We see a side profile of our reporter as she orders a cosmo. Chelsea drums her fingers on the table, "Now we wait."

A few minutes pass by as she waits, and occasionally a hand comes into view as she plays with the angle of the camera. But each time, the view is relatively the same.

"Chelsea?" a soft tenor voice asks off- screen.

"Chris, hi. You made it."

"I did." Chris enters the view now, he's wet from rain, his hair, a little soppy, hangs in front of his eyes. His blue jacket is streaked with glistening water droplets. After he settles in, a waiter arrives to take his order. "Scotch," he says. "Single malt."

It's an awkward moment as the two eye each other. "Uh... so" they both say. Chris shakes his head, smiles slightly. "Go ahead," he gestures.

Chelsea sips her cosmo and clasps her hands on the table. "So, why did you agree to this interview?" she asks.

"Well," cold fingers drum the tumbler of scotch. "I guess at first I was defensive. I didn't know there was that rumor about me, and I wasn't prepared."

"Are the rumors true then? Or have you come to set the record straight?"

"What are you going to do with what I tell you?" Chris asks. He sips the dark liquid in front of him.

"Look Chris... I'm here for a story. If what you tell me is remotely interesting, it'll end up on my blog, and maybe a local newspaper. When we talked, it seemed like maybe you wanted to reach out, like maybe you wanted to say something... so-"

Chris stares at his glass, pondering. He takes another sip, and winces at the taste. "Well, I think it's time... maybe someone will see this afterall. What do I have to lose right?"

"Right."

There's a little twinkle in his eyes again. He shifts in his seat, fully facing Chelsea and wrapping both hands around his drink. "The rumours are true... I lost my memory, everything before the tsunami... And, I saved someone's life."

 **December 2035 Seattle**

There's darkness and quiet. The camera pans the dark outlines of an expansive livingroom and all that is in it.

"I'm ah... I'm at Merediths house." The narrator says. "It's about two AM. I just heard some noise."

Meredith comes out of her room dressed only in a robe. She's muttering something under her breath, then walks out to the deck. Not even aware of the camera at this point, she stands there by herself, then she giggles and runs down the steps. She's heading to the trailer, and the camera follows her, recording as she opens the door wide and slams it shut.

The camera retreats back to the house. It moves side to side a little as the cameraman makes his way down the hallway/

A tired Zola opens the door to her room. "Dammit, she did it again."

"She's in the trailer." Says the narrator as they follow her out the house.

Standing on the deck, Zola sighs, "Yup. She's been doing this lately. I think she thinks dad is there, I don't know..." She goes into Meredith's room and comes out with some pajama's. "I better go check on her. Stay back here please."

The camera moves as the cameraman moves to the deck. It zooms in to follow Zola to the trailer. She knocks on the door and enters. There's a commotion, Meredith raises her voice, Zola speaks in low tones. This goes on for awhile. Finally Zola exits and storms back to the house.

The camera follows her and a close-up shot is executed on her face. There's some tears forming in the rims of her eyes. "Just- tell me if she leaves okay?" Zola goes into her room and slams the door.

We see the trailer again. It blurs out of focus and then back in.

[Fade out.]

[Cut in]

Meredith exits the trailer with her pajama pants on and a robe. She strolls back to the house and looks around, confused. There's pacing and noises as she picks things up and puts them down, opens and closes cupboards. Pulls things out, puts them back. When she notices the large sofa in the livingroom, she lays down and wraps her arms around her knees.

The hallway bounces as the cameraman moves with the camera. We see a fist knocking on Zola's door. When her face appears in the crack of the door opening, the cameraman says, "She's back inside."

"Oh thank God." Zola walks into the living room and stops when she sees her mother. There's an audible sound of her sympathetic sigh. Zola moves to sit on the edge of the couch, "Mom," she says, touching her leg.

"Zola?" Meredith asks, confusion in her voice. "I... where am I?"

"You're home. We're home."

"We're home?"

"Yes."

"I was looking for... I couldn't find..." She says, "I don't know anymore- I can't I-I"

"Shh mom, come to bed." Zola offers her hand

"Okay." Meredith takes the offered hand. The camera zooms in to follow them down the hall. When Meredith lies down, Zola lies down beside her. Meredith settles and takes her daughters hand. The cameraman reaches and closes the door.

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**

 **A/N:** So I got a little tired of first person I guess... I've got half of next chapter written, it'll pick up directly after this... Thanks everyone for reading! Please Review!

I'm really excited, I think I've finally figured out how to get there... to the scene of Merder reunion I have in my head. But first, some Christmas and New Year's celebrating I think... and then things are gonna get intense!


	27. It Feels so Real

**A/N:** Thanks everyone for your reviews! It was very encouraging! Thanks too for all the faves and follows and everyone who gives this fic a chance!

Picking up directly where we left off...

 **Next morning...**

Bright warm light shoot through the large windows.

"Who are you?" Meredith asks the camera people.

"I'm from G&J productions, you asked us to do a documentary."

Meredith wrinkles her nose, "I did?"

The camera nods.

"Okay, I guess, but you'll probably have to remind me in a minute," she says smiling. Camera zooms out, revealing her in pajama pants and a Washington U t-shirt, except it's inside out and backwards. Meredith makes herself at home in the kitchen, pouring water into the coffee maker and turning it on. Then she pulls out a box of pancake mix and a bowl.

The camera leaves her for a moment and goes back down the hall to the bathroom. Zola is brushing her hair.

"So what happened last night?" the narrator asks.

"I think mom just got lonely. When you have Alzheimer's, sometimes it's hard to communicate how you feel, or what you need." she sighed. "So, we kinda had an argument becuase I didn't understand... and she didn't know how to tell me. But I remembered what Mel said in group-"

"Group?"

"I go to an Alzheimer's caregiver support group once a week. I try anyway. Mel said that maybe mom just needed some physical contact. She doesn't have a husband anymore to... you know... So, last night, I just hugged her. I think it helped." Zola finishes styling her hair before walking past the camera into the hallway. The camera follows her.

"Hey Zo, I made some coffee-" Meredith greets, then she deflates, noticing she forgot to put coffee in the coffee maker, so the pot is only full of hot water. "Or hot water..." she says as she realizes her mistake.

"It's fine mom." Zola says, reaching into the cupboard for a jar of instant coffee. While she busies herself with that, Meredith reads the back of the pancake mix box, mouthing the directions. She digs around in a drawer and pulls out a measuring cup and a whisk. After looking at the box again she measures out a cup of mix and dumps it into the bowl.

She finds a tablespoon and scoops a spoonful of margarine into the mix. She looks at the box again to read the directions and opens the fridge to grab the milk.

"Mom," Zola interrupts, "Your shirt is backwards and inside out."

"Oh!" she immediately reaches down to take off her shirt.

"Mom! Not here! Camera!"

Meredith blushes. Her hands fall to her side. "It's fine, I'll change later," she says shrugging.

The ipad on the counter rings with a skype call. Meredith reaches for her own cell phone. "Hello?" she speaks into it. She pulls it back from her ear and stares at it. Meanwhile Zola has answered the ipad.

"Hey guys," Bailey says, his face appearing on the screen.

"Bailey!" Meredith exclaims, forgetting about her cell phone. "You never call."

"I called you the other day," he says.

"I don't remember... whatever. How are you? How's school?" She pours milk into the bowl with out measuring it, she's intent on the screen and not paying attention. Zola smoothly grabs the milk before the bowl is too full, she eyes the mix, the amount of milk, and sneaks in another cup of mix without Meredith noticing. She's focused on Bailey.

"School's good mom, I just finished my last exam for this semester... so I'll be home soon."

"You and Ellis are responsible for the new years party."

"We know, you tell us that a thousand times."

"For some reason that's the only thing I can remember..." she grins.

"Mom, your shirt is inside out and backwards."

"Oh!" Meredith reaches down to pull it off.

"Mom, no! You're not wearing a bra!" Zola exclaims, her hand shoots over to stop her.

Bailey covers his eyes and looks away. "Oh God, Mom!"

"Oh!" Meredith stops.

There's a tense pause, and then Meredith resumes staring at the bowl. "I'm missing something, there's something else that goes in here... Zola- what's that stuff? Like yellow circles... I can't remember what its called."

"Eggs, two eggs." Zola says.

"Oh right." Meredith opens the fridge and digs around.

"Can I open my eyes now? Mom's not gonna flash me?" Bailey asks from the ipad.

The camera fades out to Zola's laughter.

xxx

 **Same time, Nanaimo BC**

We see a beautiful stack of blueberry pancakes. The camera moves away from the pancakes to the man that is making them. Dressed in sweats, with a grin on his face, Chris pours the last of the batter onto the hot pan, causing a brief sizzle.

"So you were about to tell me your intriguing story of memory loss and saving a life when we were _rudely_ interrupted by your pager..." We hear chelsea say.

"Duty called. Sorry," Chris says. "Coffee?" he offers, reaching off screen.

"Please." The sound of liquid filling a mug is heard, adding to the atmosphere of the homey digs they're in. The camera is lifted off the counter and spun around to show the view. It's a simple homey place, a couch and recliner fill the living room, and a hallway indicate a bedroom or two and a bathroom. "Our hero actually lives on a _houseboat."_ Chelsea whispers into the camera, we see her face, her eyes are wide and eager for the story.

"I'm not a hero," Chris says, flipping the last pancake. "I just did what anybody would've."

"Whatever, just tell the story already... I'm dying here. It's been like two weeks. Two weeks of suspense!"

He chuckles and shakes his head. He scoops up the last pancake and plops it on her plate.

"To tell you this story, I have to tell you about my memory loss."

"Oooh a story within a story."

A flash of white teeth fill Chris's dark face as he smiles. "Yeah, isn't it?"

 **Next Day, Seattle**

Meredith is seated at her desk in front of a computer. Behind her on the wall are many certificates, her M.D, her F.A.C.S Member of General and Neuro surgery, and recognition for being on the hospital board. Beside hers are her husband's, Derek Shepherd's.

A binder of papers rests in front of her that she is carefully reading, highlighting as she does so. She actually has reading glasses as she carefully studies each line. She sighs and puts her highlighter down.

"So.. can you break down your disease for us?"

"Oh, you want the Alzheimer's for dummies version?" Meredith asks, looking up. She looks remarkably well, her hair is styled in a crown braid and she's wearing a sharp purple blouse and dress jeans. Today, her eyes are clear and focused.

"Sure."

"Well-" Meredith pulls a drawer open and grabs a blank piece of paper. She puts it on the desk and the camera tilts to accomodate the view. On the paper she draws a loose shape of a brain, and a smaller circle inside that shape close to the bottom. "That's the hippocampus, it processes short term memories into long term ones. It's the first to start to break down. Basically, with Alzheimer's, your brain cells start dying, and usually that's okay, that's part of aging, they are naturally eliminated. But not with alzheimer's, when you have Alzheimer's, those dead cells clump up. We call those plaques. and the plaques prevent the neurons from talking to each other. It's like... you know, um... let's say you wanna get somewhere, and there's five ways to get there... one of those ways, the usual route, is blocked by a pile of garbage. That's basically what's happening in my brain, first it effects the hippocampus, and then it starts to spread... you know the frontal temporal lobe, logic and reasoning, spatial abilities... all that. So... yeah."

"So where do you think you are right now in the progession of your disease?"

"Well it's been about two years, the medication I think is working okay, so I think I'm still in the mild-moderate stage, but I don't know... my memory is shot you know," she smiles.

"Before you were diagnosed, you developed an effective drug that could possibly extend this stage for a few more years. That was quite an accomplishment. You even won a Harper Avery award for it, but our sources say you never showed up to claim the award."

Meredith stares at the picture she drew. She wraps her arms around herself. With a little jerk of her head she says, "Well, I lost my husband that year... and I just wasn't in the place to be proud of my work."

"Do you miss him?"

"Every day."

"Do you think he's still alive? They never found a body."

"I- can you turn that off? Please? I think I'm done in here today."

 **Nanaimo. Same time.**

The view from the camera is swaying side to side and you can hear the sound of water licking at the surface of a boat. There's the faint roar of wind and the ke-ow ke-ow seagulls. Chris' tanned face comes into view, covered in a tuque and hood as he stands on the deck of his houseboat. "So," he's saying. "I was out sailing, just a couple miles from shore, when I saw another small boat out ahead of me. The wind- the wind was awful, I was actually heading back. But this huge gust came out of nowhere..." he trails off. "You know... there's moments, usually when I'm on the water, when I know what happens next. So I'm out there, and I already got my boat turned the right way to handle this wind, but the other boat-" he shook his head. "Up in the air, tossed like a rag doll, and the sailor is thrown off..." Suddenly he looks pale.

"Chris?" Chelsea asks.

"I..." He swallows. Shallow breaths escape him and he tries to breathe but he can't.

"Chris, are you okay?" Chelsea asks, panic rising in her voice.

"I... think I'm remembering something."

"What?"

But Chris isn't really paying attention at this point. He grabs his chest and stumbles, awkwardly falling into the captain's chair. "I dove in the water... she wasn't swimming, I thought she could swim... blue... she was blue..."

"Chris? Are you alright? Are you describing an old memory or a recent one?"

But he doesn't answer. His gaze is far away and drifting as he appears to be reliving some haunted event.

Chelesa's face now appears. "I don't really know what's going on... I think he's remembering something?" behind her, Chris is breathing heavily, lost in himself. "Like we recorded earlier, he did end up washed on a beach, so maybe this is it. Maybe he's recalling something that happened then?"

There's a few awkward moments where Chelsea is clearly at a loss at what to do. The camera jostles, we see ocean, sky, seagulls. Back to Chelsea's worried expression, and Chris' lost countenance. The boat is pitching in the water, giving an unsettling feeling to the whole situation.

Finally the camera zooms in on Chris.

"Chris?" Chelsea asks.

"I... I need to be alone for awhile," he says. He gets up. "I'll turn around, take us back."

"But-"

He looks at Chelsea, his expression pained and regretful. "I'll tell you... just not now okay? Please."

Chelsea sighs, and the camera clicks off.

xxx

 **Seattle**

Bailey is on skype, he's packing in the background. "Yeah... there was a lot of fighting you know? Mom was ambitious, she was scared... she didn't want to turn out like her mom... and Dad knew that but- he didn't want her to miss out on being with us."

"What about you? What did you want?"

"Frankly it didn't matter. I hung out with my parents a lot at the hospital, mom said I used to follow her around with a suture kit, and I used to sneak into the lecture rooms and watch dad teach..."

"Your childhood was a bit non-traditional then..."

"I dunno. Mom wasn't a stay at home mom if that's what you mean, but she didn't have to be for us... we knew she loved us. One time I was mad at her because she missed one of my basketball games... I was so mad, because dad was at a conference. She picked me up from the school late, and I was stewing you know... I didn't want to say a word to her. But we pulled over to our spot... and she was like, okay Bailey, just go ahead and yell, get it out. So I did... I yelled, I said she was supposed to be there because I was starting and she missed the last game too, and she should be there to see me, all my other friend's parents were there, and we were in the playoffs and all that crap."

He sniffed. "She just listened. When I was done she asked me if she could say something. I was like 'whatever'"

"Did she apologize?"

"Yeah... and then she said-" he wiped his nose, "She said, You're a kid, and right now the world revolves around you... and that's okay. She said, she feels terrible that she missed an important game for me. She wanted to be there, and planned to- but she's a doctor... and her world sometimes revolves around her patients. Because she wants to give her patients a chance to play basketball, or to be there for their kids. she said there's a bigger world out there... and she needs me to get it. That her not being there meant she was giving someone else a chance, not about abandoning me or not loving me."

"That's a pretty powerful statement."

Bailey ran a hand through his wild hair. "It took me awhile to process it, but when I thought about it, if my mom missed a game because she was trying to save a life, or millions of lives with her research, then I guess I could live with a little disappointment. Because she never made us feel like we weren't loved and cared for... even after dad disappeared. Anyway, I gotta go. My flight leaves in a couple hours. Gotta get home for Christmas."

 **Nanaimo, BC**

We see Chris' face, and part of his arm as he is holding the camera himself. He's in a quiet room, like a bedroom. He seems thoughtful and reflective. "Uhm, I asked to record this myself," he says. "I don't know... I don't want to answer questions, I just want to tell the story." There's a rustling and a thunk as the camera is placed on a bookshelf or a ledge. Chris sits down on the bed, he's wearing a ribbed indigo sweater and worn jeans. They match his blue and grey argyle socks. He looks away, leans back and sighs.

When his gaze returns to the camera, it's focused and intense. "I already revealed how I found myself on an island with no memory... how I was rescued, how I was lied to... how I want to remember... enough to find... to know for _sure_ who my family is. I mean, I can't allow myself to be manipulated again. I'm really afraid of that... but anyway-" he clears his throat.

"I dream a lot about drowning. Just-tossed in the water and somersaulting around. It's from my experience in the tsunami. But sometimes I have this other dream, where I'm _not_ drowning. I'm swimming... down, down down. And I'm reaching for something or someone- but I just can't-" Chris gestures with his hands. He sighs. Shoves a hand through his silver curls.

"So the boat- is on it's side, sinking, and I'm scanning, but the waves are choppy and it's hard to see, but finally this hand sticks out, waves side to side. I'm about... fifty yards away. It's hard to get closer, but I try, now I'm maybe thirty. But I can't see the hand anymore, the sailor, she's gone down.

"I drop anchor... throw off my life jacket. It's risky. The wind is blowing hard, the water's cold even though it's late summer. But I don't have a choice. So I launch- I'm in the air, then down, I dive deep. But I'm lucky... oh God. Second try, my hand finds a rope and I see her. Her leg got caught in one of her sailing lines. I have to come up for air and then I dive back down again. I untangle her, but she's unconscious already.

"I surface, I've got her in my arms. She's young, maybe twenty or something. Me? I'm gasping for air and sucking back saltwater. I can't see my boat because of the waves. I'm scared shitless-" He pauses, rubs his hands on his thighs.

"This is gonna sound crazy, but I'm desperate and I just don't care anymore." Chris swallows. "I hear this voice sometimes in my head... It's like reassurance. Everytime I hear it... I feel safe. It just kept repeating to me over and over again in my head, 'You can do this... you don't get to die on me You can do this.' Just over and over. So I keep treading water, holding out hope, and then this wave just kinda lifts us, and I can see my boat, and it's close!

"It only takes a few minutes for me to get there. I don't remember how I got her inside. I just remember setting course, jigging the boat, and then I was giving CPR, doing compressions-"

He chokes up at this, blinks back tears. "All I can think is one-two-three-four-five breathe, one-two- three-four-five-breathe-

"After a few minutes, she coughed up water and started to breathe on her own... I got her to the ambulance. I don't really remember much after, just I was cold and wet... must've been the adrenaline you know?"

Now Chris stands and paces. He puts his hands on his hips and he's thinking hard. "That night... I fell asleep and I had that dream again... except- in my dream, I grab _her_ and it's not the girl I rescued earlier, it's _her._ Just this person that I feel like I've known forever... This person I... I love." He swallows and collapses back on the bed.

"Earlier, when I was talking to Chelsea, looking out on the water, I was gonna tell her this story but as I started to say it out loud for the first time-

"I couldn't. I kept seeing _her._ In the ambulance, and I'm doing compressions, but she's so cold and blue... just blue and pale. I can't see her face though, that's what freaks me out. I can't see it, I don't know what she looks like only that I love her, and she's dying and-" He gasps, sobbing. Chris covers his face with his palms, trying not to cry.

"It just- it feels so real."

 **Seattle September 2035.** (Back to first scene of Meredith and the Seattle skyline from previous chapter.)

"Can we talk about something else?" she asks.

"Why don't you tell us why you are doing this documentary? This is pretty invasive isn't it?"

Meredith walks up to a picnic bench and sits on top. She pulls her knees to her chest. Although she's fifty some years old, that simple action makes her appear like a teenager. "I'm usually a pretty private person you know... I keep a lot of things to myself. I don't talk or share too much... I don't like people getting in my business, and I try not to get involved in other's but this _disease..._ "

Meredith shakes her head. "People don't get it. They think, oh there's grandma off in her own dottering little world... oh look at all the weird stuff she does. Why is the hair conditioner in the fridge? And you know, I appreciate a little humour, I understand that sometimes stuff happens and all you can do is laugh, because well, it's either funny or it's morbid, and who wants morbid? But right now... while I'm aware? It's a fight. Everyday it's a fight to remember, or to stop forgetting.

"This- right now? Here? Is an effort. Coming up with-with words so I don't sound like a third grader. Fighting the part of myself that fears you because I'm partly um... I'm... you keep watching me and recording me and following me around, and I have to try and be okay with that, I have to fight not to shoe you away and remind myself that you're here because I asked you to be.

"So... this is like the thing. My thing... that says that Alzheimer's is real and it's a battle... and I hate it. I hate waking up and wondering if I'm going to remember my kids names today. Or wondering if I'm in the right state of mind to actually try something in the lab or in my office or at the clinic so I don't feel like a waste of space...

"The worst part is wondering when it will be that I will ever wonder at all..."

There are tears in her eyes and she's looking off into the distance, her fingers tracing the faint wooden grooves in the picnic bench.

"I-this is real. My reality, my kids reality, and there are cameras here recording it, because right now someone's been diagnosed, and they want to know what it's like- and while wiki-whatever has some fucking list of symptoms it doesn't come close to the real thing. So this is it. This is how it feels. This is how it is."

 **A/N:** That's how it is. Please review!


	28. In the Woods

**A/N:** Thanks for your patience! I had to take some time to let ideas percolate... What a great response to the last couple chapters...

Patsy and Harley, thanks for sharing your personal experiences with family members who have Alzheimer's... it was incredibly touching. One of the things that helped me with this story was reading **Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul: Living with Alzheimer's and other Dementia's** book. I found it very touching and heartwarming. It contains real stories of caregivers and those with dementia, their personal experiences, what they think and feel about these things.

What I got from reading from that book was how much you just have to live in the moment. It's about being in the present, and taking things in stride. Yes, it is a very debilitating and frustrating disease, but we are still dealing with people we love, and we want to help them as best we can.

Anyway, Thanks to everyone who commented, and thanks to everyone who is giving this story a chance...

 **Here we go! Note, another year gone by.**

 **December 2036, Seattle.**

 _It was cold, and dark and the wind blew the tree branches so they moved like eerie double-jointed limbs. There was the hint of burning fuel in the air._

 _Meredith, get up!_

 _Plane crash. We were in a plane crash!_

 _I lost my shoe!_

 _My husband. Where's Derek? And Lexie? I have to find my sister. There was a plane crash, and-_

 **Zola**

 _Skeree Skeree Skeree!_ I shot out of my bed at the sound of the alarm. Moving without even thinking, I dashed out my bedroom to the front door. Mom had wandered off again. But she hadn't gotten far, the noise of the alarm startled her and she stood in the doorway, upset.

"What's that noise?" she asked, distressed.

"It's nothing," I said as I approached. I reached for her hand and pressed a button on the bracelet on her wrist. The alarm still sounded until I tapped in a three digit code in a small box by the door.

Mom looked at her wrist, then back at the door. "This isn't a watch." She tugged at the bracelet.

"No," I agreed.I knew where this was going, and I hated it. Ellis and I had fought about the wristband, but with my work schedule, I couldn't guarantee that I'd sleep light enough to wake up to every sound... We had tried to have one of us stay up at night, but even then, mom still managed to wander off. What worried me the most was that we were practically out in the middle of nowhere... it wouldn't take much for her to get lost. And then she could die from exposure.

"You're locking me in here! Why are you locking me in my own house? You think I'm stupid or something?" Mom snarled. She tugged again at the bracelet. "Get it off! Just get it off!"

"Shhh, mom... it's okay." I said, stepping forward to comfort her.

She pulled away like I was a burning flame to her flesh. "No it's not!" she cried. "I have to go- I have to find... I have to find... my sister, and Derek. There was a plane crash... and I have to-" She pulled at the bracelet and let out a whimper as she did. "Dammit!"

She was experiencing a delusion. I had to remind myself that what she was thinking was real to her. "Mom... the plane crash happened a long time ago, you were in the woods, remember?" I tried to grab her shoulders to turn her around, get her back to bed.

"Of course I remember!" She ripped her arms from me, almost stumbling back.

"Okay, well we're not in the woods are we?" I asked quietly. I had to remind her of the reality.

She stopped tugging at the bracelet and looked around. "No..." she said softly.

I turned on some lights, and she blinked as she looked around. "Zola?" she asked when she saw me. It was like someone pressed the reset button. The earlier fear in her eyes disappeared and she seemed almost childlike.

"Hi mom," I said smiling with relief. She was back... mostly.

"You're all grown up now."

"I am." I said as I took her arm in mine and led her to the couch.

She cupped my cheek. "It's hard being a grown up," she said as we sat down.

I leaned on her shoulder. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry." It was a heartbroken whisper. It was getting harder and harder for her to remain lucid. There were still more good days than bad, it was just... the bad days were getting bad.

"Don't be..."

"I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted you to have to deal with this." Mom spoke hoarsely. I knew she meant it. She'd been through it herself at my age almost. I knew sometimes she wished... she could just go quietly... but I couldn't allow that. Not now. She was my mother.

"It's okay, really." I said.

"No, it's not... you should just let me go. Or put me in a home... I don't want-"

"Mom stop it." I didn't want to hear this. She was my mother, and I loved her, and despite her disease, I still needed her.

"I just-"

"I know... but we already lost dad, we're not losing you too."

She released a long exhale... she couldn't win against me and she knew it. I snuggled closer to her. "Tell me about Lexie, Mom." I had vague memories of her, nothing concrete, more like a presence. Alex told us a few stories and Cristina mentioned her from time to time. Mom didn't talk about her much, although there was some pictures in the photo albums..

Mom leaned her head against mine. "Um, well I didn't like her at first, but she kinda grew on me..."

"Yeah?" I prompted.

"I tried to do the sister thing and I made her an omelette. She loved me so much she ate it and didn't tell me she was allergic."

"Oh," I exclaimed. "Co-dependant much?"

"I know, huh?" Mom agreed with a chuckle. "Lexie, she... never gave up on me. I didn't want to know her, I didn't want a sister who had what I didn't. But she-" Mom huffed, "She loved me." She looked up at me, her eyes glassy with unshed tears, "She loved you too. Very much."

I smiled, I wished I knew her, I wished she was a part of our little 'village' as mom said. But I was happy that she was a part of Mom's life regardless, even for such a short time. "I love you mom."

"Even when I'm stinky because soon I'll forget to bathe?"

"Mm, Especially when you're stinky. Bailey said I could use the garden hose."

"That's probably something Lexie would do, she was weird like that."

I sighed and nestled closer into her. "I'm sorry about the alarm mom. We just do it at night..." When I didn't hear a response I continued, "You've been wandering out a lot, so... I was scared, I don't want you to get lost."

Mom didn't reply. It guessed it was still an issue with her.

"Uncle Alex came over the other day, do you remember?" I asked.

"I think so," mom said, and I didn't know if she was just playing along or if she truly did not remember. It didn't matter anyway.

"We were talking, and... he and Jo want something smaller, so... well, your old house is closer to work and not in the middle of nowhere in the woods. Ellis and I think... we should buy the house back. Alex will give us a good deal on it... we were thinking after New Years."

"What? You want to move?"

"Well-"

Mom jerked away from me. "No. I'm not moving. This is... he's gone and-" she sputtered and stammered, "No!" She stamped her foot down before turning around and storming down the hall.

I hung my head and sighed... I was so tired, just so tired.

xxx

 **December 24, Bailey.**

"How about this one?" Owen pointed at the tree.

"Hmmm," I hummed, giving the tree a once over. Nope, it was too old. "Eh." I shrugged, wiggling my hand in a so-so gesture.

"Really? You realize this is like the fifteenth tree we've looked at..."

"I know..." I said. "It has to be just right."

Owen trudged a little further into the woods, "Alright, um..."

I followed him, my boots leaving light footprints in the newly fallen fresh snow. I scanned the forest for the right shade of green. Every summer since I was five or so, we planted a few saplings on this land, and every once in a while it meant a beautiful fresh Christmas tree. But it had to be just right. That's when I saw it, at the top of a small mound. Perfect. It was about six feet high, a gorgeous Douglas Fir. Its branches were full, thick, and beautifully green. The needles lightly frosted with a dash of snow. "This one." I called to Owen.

He smiled and nodded when he saw it, and handed me the axe. "You wanna do the honors?" He asked.

"Awesome." I said, taking the axe. I hefted it in my hands and swung low, catching it just below the branches. One more hard swing, and it fell, Owen catching it in his arms. We wrapped it, careful to not break the branches.

 _Daddy! Dis one! I pointed at the tiny tree in the snow. "Dis one!" I crouched down to look at it, admiring the way the light reflected off the frosted branches._

 _Dad laughed. "That one? Bailey, it's barely as big as you are!"_

" _I know! It's perfect!"_

" _We need a big one..."_

" _Can't we just get dis one instead?"_

" _No Bailey, we leave the little trees here to grow, we only take the big ones, all right?"_

" _Fine." I huffed._

" _Bailey," Dad pointed, "How about that one?"_

" _Oooh that's a nice one Daddy."_

" _Okay, c'mon, I'll chop it down."_

 _I watched as he chopped it down in two quick strokes of the axe, and picked up the bottom. "Okay, grab the end Bailey, let's get this home."_

" _Okay Daddy."_

"Let's get this home," I said to Owen.

It was a twenty minute walk back to the house as we followed the old worn trail in the woods that I used to jog through for fun as a kid. Finally the house was in sight, large and warm and well lit. Mom's Lexus SUV was parked by the front door, the back open as Ellis and Amelia loaded a few boxes in.

"Hey!" Amelia called as she saw us. "I'll go get the ropes." She disappeared into the garage. Owen and I gathered the tree and lifted it to the top of the SUV.

As I waited, the front door opened, revealing mom and a box full of wrapped presents. "But I don't feel cold," she was saying as Zola wrapped a scarf around her shoulders.

"It's fine." Zola said. "Just wear it."

"Where are we going again?" Mom asked as Ellis liberated the box from her hands. But Zola disappeared back into the house again.

"Watch out! Hot turkey!" Another voice called, startling mom. She stepped away from the door as Maggie strode out, carrying a large covered roasting pan. "Bailey, can you help me... this is heavy, and hot! Careful!"

I grabbed an end and we lifted it into the vehicle. Zola came out with another box that smelled delicious. She set it beside the roast. "Okay, everybody ready?" She called.

"Just a sec," Amelia called, securing another rope around the tree as she tethered it to the car.

"Okay, that looks good." Owen commented, tugging at the ropes.

"That smells good," Mom said. "Where are we going?" she asked.

"In town, you'll see." I said.

"Okay, c'mon everyone." Zola bossed. "Come sit in the front mom..."

Amelia and Owen headed to their truck, Maggie and Ellis clambered in the back seat of the Lexus, but mom just stood there, staring at the stairs.

"Mom?" Zola asked.

"I..." she said, looking intently at the stairs and back at us again. "Um..."

"Mom?"

Mom stared at the steps. She looked at Zola and back at the stairs as if she was trying to reconcile something in her mind. She bent down, her hand reached and touched the stairs and she pulled back quickly.

"Mom?" I asked, "What's wrong?"

"The stairs... are they real?" she asked.

"What?"

"I can't... I can't go down the stairs, there's..." She gaped again, trying to find the words. "I can't..."

I didn't understand the problem. We had to go. We couldn't miss the ferry. "C'mon mom," I said, walking toward her. I'd pick her up and carry her if I had to.

"Bailey, wait!" Zola called as she walked up to us. She reached down and pulled off the black runner we had over the stairs.

"Oh!" mom exclaimed. She looked at Zola gratefully. "There they are," she said before walking down the steps one at a time. It occured to me now that her Alzheimer's was getting worse if it was starting to affect her spatial abilities. I took her hand and led her to the front passenger side of the car. After helping her in, I clambered in behind her. "Lets go," I said, and we launched away, Owen following us.

We had to make a stop first. Alex and Jo's house. Zola pulled right up and grabbed a duffle bag from mom's lap. "What's going on?" Mom asked.

"It's Alex's turn," I said.

"Oh..." Mom said, nodding. "Wait, he hates Christmas..."

"Not as much as he likes us and will do whatever we want." Ellis piped up.

"Wait, did you guys play the 'our mom's an Alzheimer-y widow card?'"

"Yes." we both said before laughing.

"Good. Make sure you take pictures too. It's good for blackmail."

I snickered as Zola came back in. "All right, they're getting ready, they'll meet us there."

"Perfect," I said. "Engage."

Zola rolled her eyes, "Shut up."

"What? I like Star Trek, okay!"

xxx

We pulled up to the small house in the not so best neighborhood in Seattle. There were no lights on, no one was home, which was exactly as it should be. Zola knocked just in case, and when there was no answer, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a key. After unlocking the door, she went inside and turned on the lights. "Okay, hurry..." she said, gesturing to us. We only had a couple hours. Ellis and I released the tree from the top of the car and I carried it in, Ellis following with decorations. Maggie pulled the food out and started working in the kitchen. Mom and Zola started unpacking boxes of presents.

It was a Christmas sting party, by the Shepherds. After the tsunami, our usual Christmas traditions sort of got thrown to the wayside. It didn't feel right to celebrate without dad. So when Zola expressed that there were families in need who didn't get to have great stuff at Christmas, we decided to adopt a family and help them have the perfect Christmas.

Owen made the initial contact, inviting would-be adoptee Christmas families to a traditional Christmas play at the Arts Center. We would get the trust of a family member or friend to leave a key for us, and while the family was away with the Hunts, we would attack their house, filling it full of Christmas stuff. Stockings went up, the tree went up complete with garland and decorations, presents were stuffed underneath, and the kitchen was stocked with a month's worth of food and a traditional Christmas meal ready for them when they got home.

This particular family's story hit close to home. The father died recently in a boating accident. The four children still quite young. The youngest was a year old and the oldest was seven. Hence the need for Santa Alex.

"Can I help?" Mom asked, standing in the middle of the living room.

I looked around, personalized stockings were hung, garland and tinsel covered the living room. The food was ready, Maggie and Zola putting the finishing touches on dinner. Ellis was setting up her camera and video recording equipment. "Hmm." I said. They would be here any minute. I glanced at the tree, it was missing something... "Oh! The lights!" I ran to a box and rummaged through it, pulling out a tangled string of mulitcolored lights. "Here, you can help with this..." I said handing her one end while I untangled the other end. Slowly we wrapped it around the tree, carefully entwining it in the branches. I handed mom the plug, "You do the honours."

She grinned and plugged it in. The tree blinked and flashed and shined. Christmas was here.

xxx

 **December 24, Somewhere on Vancouver Island.**

 **Derek.**

It was cold and rainy. I huddled into my parka as about fifty volunteers and paid service workers stared at the map in front of us. "Okay, we've ruled out these three grids, so that leaves A5, A6 and A8. The plane had to have crashed somewhere in those areas."

"Any luck with the chopper?" Mark asked. He'd volunteered to help out on this one.

"Wind's too bad up there... plus it'll be dark soon."

"How much time do we have left?"

"A few hours before the sun sets. We've got about a hundred square miles to cover. No time to waste guys. Stay in your groups, move quickly, shout and use your whistles. Got it people?" Everyone murmured their agreement as we filled out to the trucks to try and get as close to the grids by vehicle as possible.

We filed out, some teams with dogs, others on four by four ATV's. I was on foot with Mark. We entered into Grid A8, our eyes casting about on the horizon. The plane we were looking for was a small one, a little one-engined sessna. A transponder had given off a short signal in this area before it went out dead. If the plane had been bigger it might have been more noticible from the air, but it was too small. We trekked quickly through the woods, looking for any sort of debris that might indicate the plane was near. We were looking for two survivors, a man and a woman.

Every couple hundred yards or so we stopped, surveyed the area and called and whistled to try and get attention. I marked our location on the map and we continued on.

"It's starting to get dark," Mark said. "We should turn back."

I looked up at the sky, it had tinted slightly and the sun was now gently drifting below the hills. "Another half-mile." I said. I felt like I was close to something. So close.

Mark glanced up at the sky. He sighed. "Alright, but quickly. I'm getting cold."

I hefted my pack and we started again. We were making good time as we clambored over a small rock cliff. I stopped, glanced around, and hollered. "HELLO! SEARCH AND RESCUE! CAN YOU HEAR US?" Mark followed it up with three blasts of his whistle.

We waited as I marked off our location on the map and also made a mark on a tree to guide us. After a couple minutes, I shook my head. Nothing. I hated to give up... It's just, I had this feeling... "Okay," I said, "Let's head back, we'll have to try again tomorrow."

"Wait." Mark held up a hand. "Hear that?"

I listened, but didn't hear anything. "No..."

"It's coming from over there-" Mark pointed west and started off in that direction, "SEARCH AND RES- AHH!" Suddenly he disappeared from my peripheral vision.

"Mark!" I called out, stumbling to where he had just been. "Mark!" I said desperately. What happened? Where had he gone? Then I noticed the crevice. Probably two and a half feet wide, he'd fallen into the crevice. He was there. Wedged inside. His pack had saved him, but he was beyond my reach.

"Chris..." He called out shakily.

"It's okay... It's okay, I'll get you out..."

"My leg..."

"You think it's broken?" I asked, knowing how painful that could be.

"Hurts like hell."

"Damn." But I could do this. We could do this. I had to get him out.

 _Loosen the tourniquet a little bit._

"It's okay, I'll just get the rope..." I said, throwing off my backpack. I rummaged through it, pulling out a twenty-five foot length of rope and a couple carabeeners. I peered over the edge of the crevice again. "It's okay, you'll be okay." I tried to reassure my friend, even though I was terrified.

 _You'll bleed to death._

I secured one end to a tree and found a log to rest it against. I clipped the line to my carabeener and harness. Then I sat at the edge to think.

Mark's leg was broken. He'd fallen maybe six feet. His backpack was the only thing holding him in place. Without that, he would've fallen another fifteen to twenty feet. He wouldn't be able to pull himself out, I knew. Would I?

 _I need to save my hand._

 _Well I'm trying to save your life._

xxx

 **Seattle, December 24**

 **Ellis**

My phone beeped and I looked at it. It was Owen. "Guys, they're on the way, turn off the lights!"

We all crouched around the living room. I pulled mom down with me behind the couch.

"What are we doing? What's going on?" She asked.

"Surprise party." I said quickly, not wanting to explain everything.

"Ohh right. Okay." She nodded conspiratorily and got on her knees beside me.

I pressed the remote record for my video camera as I wanted to record the family's reaction when they got home. This family was special to us. Amelia had operated on the husband, but he didn't make it. The damage was too severe. When we found out that he died leaving his young wife and four children behind, we knew we had to do something for them this year. Our first Christmas without dad had been depressing. Horrible. So I hoped that doing this would provide a welcome distraction from pangs of grief and let the family know that people did indeed care.

The key jiggled in the lock and I could hear voices from behind the door. As it swung open, We all jumped up. "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" we all called out, except for mom, who yelled out "Surprise!"

"Oh my god!" The mother, Mandy, clutched her chest as she looked around the house in shock.

"Mom, there's a tree!" Her oldest son said.

"And Pwesents!" the four year daughter old ran into the living room. Her five year old boy just stared at all of us. The one year-old cried in his mother's arms.

"Well don't just stand there, come in, come in... it's your house." Mom said, beckoning.

Amelia and Owen came up behind Mandy. "We knew this would be a rough time for you, so we made you a part of our little Christmas tradition," Amelia said. "All of us here understand what it's like to lose someone... and the holidays are the worst. So just sit back, relax and enjoy, we've got everything covered. I hope you're hungry!"

Mandy just stood in shock. "I... what? How? Why did... oh my God, thank you so much... I..."

The baby started to cry louder, and mom scooped him up effortlessly. "Oh, there there... I know, such a big shock. But nothing to cry about, it's Christmas!" And like a pro, she sat down on the couch with him, talking and distracting him from his bout of fear.

"Come in and sit down," Maggie called, "Food is ready, come and eat."

"There's food too?" One of the kids asked.

"Turkey, stuffing, potatoes..." Bailey listed.

"Awesome!"

"Come and eat up little man!"

As the family moved into the kitchen the doorbell rang. Owen answered the door, "Hey, look who's here!" he called. Alex stood in the doorway dressed as santa, complete with a fake beard and pillow tummy. Beside him, Jo looked pretty as ever in a green elf costume.

"Santa!" The five year old shouted, bolting from her chair.

"Santa!" the other two kids called out rushing Alex and Jo like football linebackers.

"Aren't you supposed to be delivering presents?" The oldest asked.

"Well, uh... I'm on a little break. Just for you guys." Alex improvised. Jo stifled a laugh.

The oldest remained unconvinced, but the little ones didn't seem to mind. Alex came in and sat down on the couch as the kids clambered on his lap, asking all kinds of questions. ("Does rudolph's nose really glow red, or is it just a fake red light bulb?" "How come normal reindeer can't fly? Why does your beard feel funny?")

But throughout this, I was watching mom too. Playing and comforting the little boy in her lap. She looked like a natural. She was a natural. Lately I noticed that she seemed to zone out a lot during conversations, only taking part when directly asked. She rarely started conversations anymore and I knew it was because it was getting harder for her to concentrate.

Being with that little baby must mean a lot to her. The simplicity of it all, no complicated questions, no having to recall what you said or did just minutes ago. Just gentle intimacy with someone she didn't have to explain herself to or pretend with. For the first time in a long time I saw her genuinely happy.

She cooed and cuddled, and wiped slobber off the child's mouth. When he squawked she put him on the ground where he took a few wobbling steps before falling down and then decided to crawl around. It made me happy that she was happy.

Dinner was served, and Alex pulled out a large bag chock full of presents for the kids. He gave the kids a final hug and told them to be good for next year before waving goodbye, citing a long night.

xxx

 **Meredith**

Most of dinner had been finished. Feeling full, I sat down on the couch and watched the kids play. I'd tried to keep track of conversation, but it'd been too hard and I zoned out, only speaking when spoken to, and trying not to screw things up. It'd been a long day, and I felt very tired. My eyes drifted closed.

"Excuse me..." someone said.

I blinked. "Huh?" A woman who I didn't recognize sat beside me.

"You're Meredith right?"

"Yes," I said, trying to remember her name again... we'd thrown a party for her and her adorable kids... but I couldn't remember her name. I sat up a little straighter and crossed my legs, giving her my full attention.

"Those are your kids?" she asked gesturing to the kitchen where Zola and Bailey were cleaning up.

"Yes," I said.

"I heard you lost your husband too..."

 _Derek! Derek!_

"I, um..." I fidgeted with my hands.

"It's okay," she said, sniffing. "I just wanted to thank you..." _Sniff._ Her voice was breaking as she spoke, "It was so hard... I didn't have any money and..." _Sniff._ "Usually my husband does all the Christmas stuff and..." S _niff._

I saw the fresh pain of grief in her features, the worn circles under her eyes, the worry lines on her forehead, and I knew... I understood completely. So I reached over and pulled her into my arms, "Shhh, it's okay. It's okay... you can cry..." And she did. Sobbed. Her tears soaked the collar of my shirt, but I didn't care. I'd been there. I was still there.

 _My husband! I have to find my husband! And Lexie... my sister. And Arizona has an infection, I have to get to her and..._

"Shhh, shh, shh..." I rocked her. Finally she stopped, sniffed loudly and pulled back, wiping her eyes.

"How do you do it? I mean, it hurts so much, and sometimes the kids just don't understand."

I took her hands and squeezed. "You live for your kids. They are everything now. And they'll help you too. You push through. You give yourself a reason to smile everyday by living for your kids okay? It's hard, but you're the adult. They need you."

"Okay... Okay... Thank you." She gave me a quick hug. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," I mumbled back as I tried to remain in the present.

xxx

 **Vancouver Island, Same time.**

 **Derek.**

"Chris?" Mark asked.

"I'm thinking," I said

"Well don't think too long..."

I sighed. I knew I had to secure him at least, so he didn't fall any further. "Okay, I'm coming down..." I put on a head lamp and the lines that I set up that could hold him. There was no easy way to do this. "I'm gonna secure you, and then empty some of your pack, and then I'll try and pull you out."

"I'm ready." He said.

I set to work, It was dark, the sun had just set, and I wanted to get him up and out as quick as possible. Slowly I slid off the edge of the crevice, feeding the rope to drop me to his level. When I got close to him, I cinched the rope. I fumbled with cold fingers to secure a rope on his harness and around his waist. I tugged to make sure he was secure.

"Ohhh." He groaned.

"The leg?"

"Yeah."

"I can give you some Ibprofen when we get up there."

"Did you radio us in?" He asked.

"I tried, no signal."

"Dammit, everybody probably started to head back."

"Yeah... looks like we'll be spending the night."

"Great, Christmas under the stars... shoulda brought eggnog."

"That would've been perfect." I said smiling. "Okay, you're good to go. I'm gonna lighten your load." I unzipped the top of his backpack and started to pull out a few items. A first aid kit, a blanket, a tin pot. I bundled them together and tied them to me. Suddenly Mark dropped a few inches.

"AAH!" He yelled in pain.

"You'll be fine... you're gonna be fine..."

"Why do I have to do everything you do? I shoulda stayed home..." Mark grumbled weakly.

"Oh shut up." I said. Pulling on my rope, I pulled myself up a few feet before my hands found a few rock ledges to cling to. Finally I reached the top and swung my leg over, rolling onto solid ground. I took a few moments to catch my breath and drink some water, then I reached for Mark's line. "Okay, I'm gonna pull you up."

"Just do it."

xxx

It took a lot out of me to pull a hundred and seventy pounds straight up, but I did it. Mark had passed out from the pain after I splinted his leg and so it was quiet as I tried to set up a quick makeshift camp.

The air was cool, but I'd made a decent fire to keep us warm. Supper was a granola bar and hot water. Well, I'd had worse. I looked over at my friend, wrapped snugly in a blanket and sleeping bag. Despite what happened, I was glad I wasn't alone. Weariness hit me, and my eyelids drooped. Underneath a blanket of stars and the far-away cries of animals, I fell asleep.

 _Derek! Derek!_

 _Oh, I heard your voice, I thought I was dreaming..._

 _Safety pin. Bring that. Do you have a t-shirt or bandana?_

 _Got it._

 _Okay. We have- have to close the wound. Use the safety pin. Weave your way inside and out. Put the bandana on top and then tape it._

 _What's the t-shirt for?_

 _Put it in my mouth. I'm probably gonna scream a lot and then I'm gonna, I'm gonna pass out._

 _Okay. Good. Sorry. Please pass out, please pass out..._

 _Derek! Derek!_

xxx

 **Seattle, December 25.**

 **Meredith.**

"Mom? Mom? Mom!"

Someone was shaking me, and I blinked awake. Blearily I looked at the face in front of me. Amelia... no, I frowned and blinked again. Ellis. My daughter Ellis. "Ellis..." I whispered. "What?" I rubbed my eyes and looked around, I was at the kitchen table, a waffle covered in white and red stuff laid on a plate in front of me. "Oh... Sorry." I said.

"It's okay," she said as I looked around the table. Maggie stared at me, concerned, and when I caught Zola's gaze she looked away quickly.

"I'm _fine._ " I snapped. Just tired. I'd been tired a lot lately. Fatigued. I chalked it up to dead brain cells and tried to hide my fear. I hadn't felt _right_ the last few days but I was sure it was just the stress of the holidays. People... people everywhere talking... and going places and doing things...

I stared at the plate in front of me and scooped the creamy stuff with a finger and licked it.

"Meredith, there's a spoon beside you." Maggie said.

"Oh." I said. But suddenly I wasn't hungry. "Where's Der-" I swallowed. "Bailey?"

"He's on the phone, mom."

"Oh," I said again, sticking my hand in the poofy cloud on my plate and staring at it. What was this stuff? What do I do with it? Then I saw Maggie's perplexed look and I stood up from my chair to go to the sink and wash my hands. Unconsciously I rubbed my chest. I felt uncomfortable, like my clothes were too tight... or... I couldn't explain it. I just had this feeling...

I looked at Zola, then at Maggie, trying to tell them but the words just wouldn't come out. Instead I sighed. "I'm going to have a nap..." I said, and walked to my room.

I got there and sat on the bed. I should sleep, I thought. I was tired. But Amelia would be making waffles for breakfast, so I should get up. Waffles... with whipped cream and strawberries. Now I was hungry.

xxx

After breakfast we played boardgames and cards, and watched some surgery tapes Maggie brought. We reminicesed and chatted about holiday traditions. Owen offered to take the kids to the movies that afternoon leaving us 'sisters' alone.

"Okay... Owen is gone, so... Amelia steepled her fingers mischieviously. "I'll be right back." She tiptoed down the hall while I squinted at Maggie.

"What's with her?" I asked.

"I have no idea," she said as she sipped her eggnog.

Amelia appeared a few minutes later with a large box in her arms. "Okay... ready?"

"What? What is it? I told you we don't do presents anymore..."

"Mer, just open it."

"But-"

"Open it!" she waved at me.

"Okay okay!" It took awhile to pry open the cardboard, but I finally did. I stared at the object in shock. "A skills lab dummy?" I asked. Complete with the tools a general surgeon would need. I couldn't believe it, this was...

"Well, normally during the holidays, we try and get on a cool surgery together as a gift to ourselves... so I thought this would be the next best thing, although don't tell Dr. Bailey, she doesn't know it's missing."

"You _stole_ it? Maggie asked, surprised.

Amelia made a face. "I _borrowed_..."

Maggie scowled.

"It's for a good cause." Amelia said brightly. "Mer, wanna do an appy? Or how about a kidney transplant?"

"I can't believe you stole that! You're a thief..." Maggie pointed at Amelia.

Amelia ignored Maggie. "Mer, is there anything other than eggnog in that eggnog?"

"I don't remember," I said, wrinkling my nose and shrugging, still in awe of the surgery kit in front of me... this was amazing... "Let's start with an appy." I said, reaching for the bag of plastic surgical tools.

"Awesome! We'll set up in the den, Owen can't see this, he'll totally tell on me."

"You are unbelievable," Maggie said, following after us.

"Mags, are you in or not?" I asked bluntly.

"Oh, I'm totally in."

"Good."

"Merry Christmas Meredith." Amelia laughed.

"Merry Christmas..." I returned, smiling genuinely.

xxx

It was almost like the real thing... "Okay," I said as I stared at the plastic abdomen. It had been awhile, but the procedures of an apendectomy was like riding a bike in my mind and familiar to my muscle memory, which was surprising. "Two-oh prolene," I said holding my hand out. Amelia palmed it to me and I began my purse string stitch... It felt so good. Even on a dummy, everything was so clear and clean and... easy.

"Mom, there you are..." Bailey called.

"Hey, Bailey, wanna learn how to close on an appy?" I asked, pulling up on the purse strings.

"Mom, I have some good news..." He said beaming. His smile was so big, and it was just like Derek's.

I swallowed. "What is it?" I asked.

"I did it... It took a long time... but I got you on a trial mom... I got you on a clinical trial."

The sutures fell from my hand. "You... what?"

xxx

 **December 25, Vancouver Island**

 **Derek**

 _I was staring at a plane wreckage. There was suitcases and clothing strewn about everywhere. Plastic and metal debris. Trees, hard rocky ground. The sunlight sliced through the treebranches. I could smell burning fuel. I lifted my arm to wipe my forehead and grimaced in pain... what? It was wrapped up. My whole forearm bandaged with a bandana and a T-shirt._

 _I heard screaming. And crying, sobbing actually. Deep heartwrenching sobs that stabbed me in the heart over and over._

" _What is this?" I asked._

" _There was a plane crash." My subconsious said. She seemed to appear out of the fog in the trees, in my mind._

" _I was looking for survivors..." I cast a look around the site, I couldn't see anyone._

" _You were a survivor..." She said._

 _What did that mean? What was that referring to?_

" _So were you," I said automatically._

 _She smiled sadly._

 _Derek! Derek! I heard a pained voice call._

" _Who's Derek?" I asked._

"Hey." A deep gruff voice called. "Hey... wake up, man" Someone shook my shoulder. Mark? Since when did his voice get so loud and gruff?

"Mark..." I muttered, blinking.

"He's fine... still sleeping, but you... wake up man."

Huh? Who was this guy? I opened my eyes and stared into a dark brown flat oval face with a crooked nose and wispy facial hair. "Ahh!"

"Ahh!" the face yelled back, but he laughed at me.

"Alec..." A woman's voice said, "Don't scare the man."

Alec's face pulled away, and I saw a tall native woman standing beside him.

"I was just teasing..." Alec said.

"Don't give him a heart attack. Jeez."

"Yeah yeah... he's fine." Alec looked at me with his beady eyes. "You're fine right?"

"I guess?" I said, still confused... What happened? There was a plane crash and I was a survivor... no I was _looking_ for survivors. And Mark broke his leg... and... was today Christmas?

Satisfied I was awake and alert, Alec sat down beside me. "You guys were looking for us. But we're the one's who found _you._ " He said. "Our plane crashed a few miles that way..." he nodded westerly. "We walked a bit, and were camping for the night, when we saw your campfire from a mile away. Iris said she thought she heard somethin' earlier too. So we came this way..."

"Oh," I said.

Alec held out his hand, "Name's Alec by the way. CEO of Alec Taylor inc."

I shook his hand... "Nice to meet you, I'm Derek." Wait what? "Chris I mean... I'm Chris." I think. Who is Derek? Is that me? It just rolled off my tongue so easily... I rubbed my forearm. I was so tired.

Alec did a double-take, "Wait a minute... I know you," he smiled slyly.

"You do?" I asked.

"I took you in my plane to Nanaimo," he said. "After the tsunami."

"Oh..." A vague memory appeared in my mind of a loud boastful man talking to me on the plane ride from the island. Hmm.

"Small world huh? Cool documentary by the way. Saw that too. Did you really lose your memory or was that just a gimmick? Hey, can I add you as a friend on facebook? Oh! Merry Christmas by the way!"

 **A/N:** Thanks for your Patience everyone! Dots are being connected! So much more to come! Please review! Oh and when I posted this... there'd been a few issues with reviews displaying... post your review anyway or PM me instead... ffnet will fix it. Thanks!


	29. Count Down

**A/N:** Hey, how about a Canadian Thanksgiving Present! This coming Monday is Thanksgiving, up here North of the 49th Parallel. So enjoy this next installment!

Thanks everyone! Thanks to Patsy, Pat, mandyg67, Ntlpurpolia, Japa01 and CamillaGrey who all commented. Thanks everyone who also faved and followed this fic too. When you do, I get an alert, and I always check to see what people have on their profiles... It amazes me what a wide variety of fans I have. Thank you so much!

If you comment, I do respond to people who leave a review if they are signed in, if not, but your comment was specific or asking a question, I try and answer it here. You guys are as much a part of this story as the characters!

Onward!

 **Dec. 31 2036**

 **Qualicum, BC**

 **Derek**

For once it wasn't raining, which was a good sign. I stared out at the morning sky, sipping my coffee. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having a dream about a plane crash.

I saw people staggering around. I felt pain. Everywhere, but mostly in my arm. I smelled burning fuel. But one thing stood out:

 _Derek! Derek!_

Someone had called to me, and I answered. Was my name Chris? Or Derek?

"Chris?" Megan called from the kitchen... "Want some french toast?"

My lips curved in a slight smile, "Love some."

"Benny!" she called, "Breakfast!"

"Coming, coming, I'm coming..." Benny walked on his tip toes down the hall in nothing but pajama pants. I couldn't believe he was ten years old now... time slipped by so fast... too fast.

"Hey bud," I said, greeting him.

"Hello. Hi." He said, smiling at me. He'd been working with a therapist to learn how to make eye contact, and to improve his social skills. Megan said he was doing remarkably well. I was impressed so far too. "Wanna play go fish?"

"Sure, after breakfast okay?"

"Okay," he said.

We ate in comfortable silence for awhile. It was nice just to relax and enjoy this time together, I was starting to wonder if this would be my life now. Would I ever find my true family? And if I did... would it be like this? Comfortable? Warm? Stable?

"You going out with Lynn and Charlie tonight?" Megan asked, reffering to the New Year's party at the hospital.

I shrugged, "I don't know... maybe." I didn't want to be a third wheel, although I knew quite a few people would be going... I just- "Something feels different... I feel..." Like my skin was stretching. Like I wasn't myself. I was supposed to be this Derek guy. But who was Derek? Did he do parties? Was he entertaining? Jumping on a unicycle and juggling? Or did he like the quiet of a houseboat and the swish of a line being cast into the ocean. Who was Derek? Who was Chris? Who was I?

I squeezed my fork and gritted my teeth, frustrated. And then I watched Benny who seemed far more interested in the texture of his food than actually eating it. I laughed. "C'mon Benny, get the cards," I said.

xxx

Later I did decide to go out... but not with Lynn and Charlie. I met Mark on crutches and in a fresh cast at the Dinghy Dock Pub. It was quite full of rambunctious New Year's partiers, but I didn't really mind.

"Scotch please, and whatever he's having," I called to the barkeep, who nodded at Mark.

"Just a beer, man."

The drinks slid in front us and I gripped the cool glass. "Well?" I asked.

"Another year," Mark said.

"Another year," I sipped my Scotch.

"There'll be fireworks later... you gonna watch?" He asked.

"Of course," I said smiling.

"Great! But you'll have to help me, I'm a gimp."

"Yes..." I said, looking him up and down... "Yes, you are Mark."

He shook his head, "You suck."

I mock bristiled, "Do not, you suck. We had to wait eighteen hours in the rain for rescue. On Christmas!"

"What? Can't stand a little rain, mountain man?"

"Oh, you're funny..."

"Thanks, I am."

We both turned away, laughing. When I stopped, something caught my eye...A red dress...A girl in a red dress.

 _I was dreaming a hot doctor came to visit me._

 _This hot doctor is going to a party._

 _Mm._

I felt my forearm ache and rubbed it unconsciously.

"Excuse me? Excuse Me?" Someone tapped my shoulder...

"Huh?" I turned around...

xxx

"TEN! NINE! EIGHT!..." The crowd in the city square chanted as they counted down the seconds, waiting for the fireworks.

Even in the roar of the crowd, I was flashing back to the last hour at the bar.

" _Excuse me... Chris? Chris Robertson?"_

 _I turned around. "Um... yeah, that's me." A young blonde woman stood in front of me in a black dress._

" _Oh my God, it **is** you!"_

" _Yeah... sorry, do I know you?"_

" _You rescued me, remember? I fell in the water? I was drowning... you pulled me out!"_

 _I blinked... taking another look at the woman, because seriously, at the time of her rescue... I hadn't all been there. I'd been experiencing a flashback at the same time._

 _She was probably in her early twenties, had long blonde hair. Her lips were full and she had dark blue eyes. And then it came rushing back to me... when I was out sailing, during a storm, I'd just... jumped out to rescue her. I did compressions... breathed for her. "Katie..." I said._

" _Yeah..." she replied softly, biting her lip._

 _And then..._

"SEVEN! SIX! FIVE!..."

 _She grabbed my shirt collar and pulled my head to hers. Suddenly her lips were on mine. Hot wet lips teased my own, and I gasped. There was the faint taste of some sweet cocktail. She pressed, and automatically, I returned the favor...before I came to my senses and pulled her off me._

"FOUR! THREE! TWO!..."

" _I'm sorry!" Katie said as I wiped my lips and stared at her in shock."I'm drunk, and I just... well, I never got to say thank you... so-" And then one of her girlfriends grabbed her, scolding her for her impulsive actions..._

 _But it wasn't Katie's kiss that bothered me... it was..._

 _It caused something else to happen in my mind. I'd never been kissed like that before, not that I remembered, and as I swallowed and stared after her, my mind was doing backflips and cartwheels and all kinds of thoughts, emotions and images were dancing in my mind..._

"ONE!"

 **BANG!**

" _Where is she?"_

" _You almost died today."_

" _Yeah. I almost died. I can't remember... I can't remember our last kiss... The last time we were together and happy... I wanna remember that. All I could think about was that I was gonna die today, and I can't remember."_

 **POP! CRACK!** Bursts of colorful light shocked my irises.

" _It was a Thursday morning_... _You put your hands on my chest... your hair smelled like some kind of ... flower. And you kissed me. Soft. Quick. Like a habit. Like we'd do it every day."_

" _Lavender. The flower... It was lavender from my conditioner."_

" _Lavender..."_

 **ZING! CRACK-A-CRACK-CRACK!** The night sky was lit with fire, and so was my mind.

" _I can't go out with you. You're my boss. And my teacher. And my teacher's teacher."_

" _I'm you're sister, I'm your daughter..."_

" _There are lines..."_

 **POW! POP-POP-POP!** I sucked in a breath and clutched my chest.

" _So these lines... Are they imaginary? Or do I need to get you a marker?"_

 **BOOM!**

I was pushed up against the wall of an elevator as another set of hot wet lips pressed into mine. And I saw her. Felt her. Familiar lips. Passionate lips. Lips full of longing and desire... and life. Pulse racing, I returned this kiss, wanting to kiss her so hard her knees knocked. Because, in that moment, I knew... In that moment, however long ago, and in this very moment, she was...

The love of my life.

My heart squeezed. Blood seemed to stop pumping in my body as the memory surged within me. I panted and nearly spun with dizziness, no longer able to pay attention to my surroundings in the city square.

I saw her, clearly. Dirty blonde hair pulled into a messy ponytail, smooth young skin and full lips with grey green eyes that I fell into the depths of. Her presence was vulnerable but strong all at once. Needy... but I needed her too. _Needed._

 _So what am I to you?_

 _I was drowning... And you saved me. That's all I know._

But I also saw her cold and blue and dead... But she wasn't was she? She couldn't have died could she?

 _You're not my knight in shining whatever._

xxx

 **December 31 2036. Seattle.**

 **Meredith.**

I have a feeling.

It won't go away. The pressure. Here. On my chest. And I was so tired. I'd been tired all week.

It must be my Alzheimers. It's getting worse. I felt it when I looked into my daughter's eyes. The pale one with the Mcdreamy hair... I want to tell them that I don't feel well... but, I just... forget.

"Mom?" my son nudged me.

"Huh?" I looked up and blinked. My eyelids are heavy like garage doors that don't want to roll up.

"Uncle Alex is here... The party's starting."

I breathed in and gathered my strength. They can't know. They can't know that something is wrong... They'll put me in a home... and then I'll never... he'll never come back. "Oh, good..." I said. "Help me up?"

He reached down and I took his hand. I leaned against him as he escorted me to the living room. It's full of gold and black and silver. Balloons, streamers, glitter. A huge banner is spread over the patio window. HAPPY NEW YEAR! it says, and I smiled. New Years is a Shepherd family tradition!

 _December 31, 2025_

" _Baby I made it!" Cristina barged into the house, a bottle of champagne in hand._

" _Cristina!" I called, and pushed through the crowd to hug my person._

" _Holy crap Mer, did you invite the entire hospital?" She exclaimed, looking around. Webber, Bailey and Warren, Alex and Jo and Maggie as well as a dozen other friends and kids filled the house._

" _Well..." I shrugged. This is just what happened._

" _Hey, it's great!" she said, "Where's the munchkins?"_

 _I looked around for my kids... "They're not so munchkin-y anymore you know..." Ellis would be turning eleven, which meant my other two were on their way to teenage mutant... teenagers. I shuddered at the thought._

" _Oh right... I have to come up with a new nickname for the Mckids..."_

 _I rolled my eyes. Before I could come up with a snarky response, I felt a familiar presence behind me and I instinctively leaned back. Derek wrapped his arms around my waist. "Hey Cristina," he said._

" _Hey Mcdreamy," she said. "I am starving. Where's the food?"_

" _Over there." He nodded to a long table in the back._

" _Awesome!" and she was off to stuff her face._

" _Hey." Derek said, and I turned around in his arms to face him._

" _Hi," I said softly, examining every feature of his lightly stubbled face._

 _He smiled slightly. "What are you doing?" he asked._

" _Just looking," I said._

" _Just looking?"_

" _I want to remember every detail..." I said as I stroked his cheek. I'd spent the last three months interviewing Alzheimers patients... and I just... I couldn't forget._

 _I felt Derek's belly shake as he chuckled. He looked down at me with those deep blue intense eyes, and I knew he was doing the same thing. He still had that little line off center on his forehead, and his nose still slightly crooked. There were a few more crow's feet, and a few more grayish dots in his stubble. Tiny thin lines danced around the corners of his lips._

" _I can't do this much longer, you know..." he said, for his gaze landed on my lips._

" _Mmm, really?" I asked, allowing my gaze to fall down to the smooth pink skin that shaped his lips._

" _Really." He all but whispered, his forehead touching mine._

" _Maybe just one more-" I started, but my husband's lips stopped me in a passionate squeeze._

 _I laughed into his mouth, and caught his lips in mine, pulling him deeper into me. My arms wrapped around his neck, bringing him closer. The world around me spun and buzzed and blurred, but I remained still with the love of my life._

" _Whippersnappers?" Cristina said, holding a paper plate and chewing on a chicken wing. "McJuvies?" But I wasn't paying attention..._

 _It was the ding of a spoon on a champagne glass that pulled us apart. "Everybody!" Miranda called out, "The ball is about to drop..." she gestured to the image on the projector screen of the New York Times Square ball drop._

" _Oh!" Cristina said, "Mcbrats!"_

" _Ten," Derek said, kissing my forehead._

" _Nine," I kissed his right cheek with a smile._

 _'Eight." He kissed my left._

" _Seven," I kissed his nose._

" _Six," he hummed into my neck._

" _Do we have to keep counting?" I sighed._

" _Yes..." he murmured._

" _You two should get a room," Cristina mocked. Still staring at my husband, I pushed her away._

" _Where were we?" I asked._

" _Five..." He said, kissing my hand._

" _Hm..." Pleasure erupted in me... Where to kiss next? "Four..." I kissed his chin._

" _Three..." Derek pecked the inside of my elbow. I shuddered._

" _Two.." I breathed into his ear, escaping into his cologne._

 _We pulled back for a second, once again, looking into each other._

" _One..." Derek said._

 _Cheers. Hurrahs. HAPPY NEW YEAR shouts. Confetti. The popping of champagne bottles. Auld Lang Syne._

 _And one earth-shattering, mind-numbing, heart on fire kiss that exploded in my mouth._

 **Now. Meredith.**

"Are we ready for the fireworks?" Bailey called out. I smiled and took another bite of my pizza. It wasn't raining this year... Not yet, anyway.

"Mer!"

I spun at the call of my name. "Cristina!"

My Person and her mass of curly dark hair arrived through the doorway. "Oh my God, I hate that airport!" Cristina said as she wrapped her arms around me. "Come on, let's get a glass a of bubbly."

"Okay!" I was so happy to see her.

Beside the pizza boxes and appetizer's, several flute glasses lined the table. Cristina picked one up, and I picked up two. "Where's Derek? Have you seen him?" I asked.

"Uh... Mer?" she asked.

"What? Where is he? We always have this day off..." I searched the crowd. "I'm gonna go find him."

"Meredith! Wait!" Cristina called, but I ignored her. I had to find him before the countdown... I pushed through the crowd of people, "Derek? Derek?"

Richard Webber's face came into view. "Meredith!" he called, like he hadn't seen me in ages, "There you are... how have you been doing?"

"What do you mean? I'm fine." I said. Why was he looking at me so weird? "Have you seen Derek? I have to find him before-"

"TEN!" Everyone shouted.

"Derek?" Richard asked... "Uh, I think he got called into surgery Meredith."

I shook my head... "No, no, no... He's supposed to have the day off!"

"NINE!"

Pressure. Who decided to sit on my chest? Derek- I have to find Derek. Where was he?

"EIGHT!"

I'll call him... I can just call him... he's here somewhere, I swear I just saw him. He would tell me if he got called away.

"SEVEN!"

Where's my phone? Oh here, I'll just use the landline... Okay, 206-555-7159 Out of service? What? Try again. 206-555-7159 What? Again? Phone lines must be out or something. Why is it so hot in here? My chest. It hurts.

Derek. I have to find him.

"SIX!"

God, I'm sweating... Where is he? I just saw him. Is that him?

"Mom?"

Who is this guy? Those eyes... Derek, Where is he? Why is there so many people here? What's going on? Is this some kind of surprise party or something? Oh...what's happening to me?

"FIVE!"

"Get, out! Everybody!" They didn't hear me. Where _is_ he? We were supposed to go out for dinner... There's too much noise, there's too much...

"FOUR!"

April... There's April. "Have you seen Derek?"

"Um.. Meredith? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Where's Derek, I have to find him... I have to... he's supposed to be here... I have Alzheimers and he's supposed to be here... oh-" Why does my heart feel like it's going a mile a minute?

"THREE!"

I have to get some air. I can't breathe. There. Over there. Maybe he's on the deck. At least it's not raining...

"TWO!"

Okay... maybe a little. It's drizzling. At least I can breathe now. "Derek?" Oh, the trailer. Silly me. He's in the trailer... Duh. Oh... I'm so tired. I just want to-

"ONE!"

 **BANG!**

The noise rattled in my skull. I clutched my chest. Suddenly a bright light flashed around me.

Oh God, the plane exploded. Oh God! Derek! "DEREK! DEREK!" I have to find him. I have to... he must be in the woods... he's there and he's hurt and I have to find him...

So dark. I can't see. "DEREK! DEREK!"

So many trees. Just a little further. I'm so tired...

 **POP! CRACK!**

"No... No... DEREK!" All I see is trees. Everywhere. So dizzy. Can't breathe. Pressure. Who put vicegrips on my heart? "Oh... oh."

"Meredith!"

"Derek... There you are... I was, I was looking everywhere for you... I can't breathe..." He smiled at me and caressed my cheek.

"It's okay Meredith. Just sit down..."

I nodded and leaned against a tree, sliding roughly down. "Okay... Okay." I feel so weak... so tired. It hurts to speak, to breathe. My ears are ringing.

"Derek?" I croaked. "I think I'm having..." My heart...

I'm so tired. So hot. But Derek wrapped himself around me and stroked my cheek.

"Shh... it's okay. I love you Meredith."

I wanted to tell him that too, but I couldn't speak. I stared into his eyes, his very soul and I knew I didn't have to say it back. He leaned over and kissed me, his soft lips reassuring and safe.

I was safe. I found him and he's okay. He's okay. I'm fine... I'll be just...

xxx

 **Bailey**

Although it's drizzling out, the fireworks lit up the gray sky in amazing bursts of luminesence. Each POP! and BANG! is followed by a gasp from the group of about twenty or so. Every year when we have one of these events, however, I miss dad more. As the next whizbanger lit up the sky, I offered up a prayer to wherever he may be. Dead or Alive.

CRACK!

A tap on my shoulder pulled my gaze away from the show to see Cristina. "Hey, where's Mer?" she asked.

"Uh.." I leaned over to look at the chair mom usually sits in on the deck, but it's empty. "I just saw her a minute ago..." she must be here somewhere.

"Cristina..." Dr. Kepner approached, "Is Mer okay? She looked a little-"

"You saw her?" Cristina asked.

POP! CRACKLE!

Kepner shoved a thumb behind her, "Yeah she was..." but as I looked past her I didn't see Mom anywhere.

Now I started to panic "Guys... she's been trying to wander off at night," and we turned her alarm off tonight.

CRACK-CRACK-BANG!

Mom could be anywhere. I felt a sudden onslaught of sweat and adrenaline. "We have to find her!" I said as I pushed through the crowd. "Mom! Zola! Ellis!"

"What's happening?" Ellis asked, putting down her champagne glass.

"Have you seen mom?"

She shook her head, "Not since Alex got here..."

"Dammit!"

CRACK-A-CRACK!

"Zola! We have to-" I shot a glance at my older sister, and she knows. She nodded with understanding. "Ellis, get Richard, search the house!"

"Oh... okay." And I thought I saw her shake slightly in panic. But still she ran to Richard and got his attention.

In the background, the final blast of fireworks lit up the sky, but I just can't look. I have to find Mom. I should've noticed earlier. Why didn't I notice earlier? Stupid.

CRACK! BANG!... BOOM!

The crowd gave a final gasp and murmurs of Happy New Years could be heard. But I didn't care. I weaved in and out through the group. "Mom! Mom!"

Zola took charge, standing up on a bench. "Can I have everyone's attention? Has anyone seen our mom? I think the fireworks scared her. If anyone has seen where she went, can you let me or Bailey know?"

People gasped and looked around, calls of 'Meredith? Meredith?' Filled the air, but I had a feeling, a bad feeling.

xxx

 _Derek?_

 _Yeah?_

 _I miss you._

 _I know._

 _Where did you go?_

 _Oh... I got swept away I guess._

 _Will you find your way back?_

 _I-_

 _I need you. I thought I could... I thought I could make it without you, but-_

 _I'm trying._

 _I know._

 _Derek?_

 _Mm?_

 _I'm sorry._

 _Why?_

 _I lost you._

 _It's not your fault. I lost me too._

 _Will you find you?_

 _I think so._

 _I hope you do..._

 _I hope I do too._

 _I love you anyway._

 _Me too. I've loved you... forever._

xxx

 **Zola**

After an hour of searching the property, I was about to call the police when I heard a familiar shrill voice. "Zola! Cristina! Bailey!" She called, "I found her! I found Meredith!" Of all the people looking for Meredith in the dark woods, it was April Kepner that found her.

My heart thudded with relief, untill I saw her. "Oh God."

Mom, who used to be so full of energy... so intense, was pale and limp on the ground beside Kepner.

"What happened?" I asked as I fell on my knees at her side, instantly reaching for her wrist to feel for a pulse. It was there, but everywhere. "Mom? Mom? Mommy?" I thought I could be cool and calm but my mother's pale face did not imbue any sense of confidence in me. "What's happening?" I shook her. God, she was barely breathing.

"I think she's having a heart attack!"

"Oh God!" I cried, pulling a hand to my mouth. "Mom!" This can't be happening. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't in the plan!

"Zola!" Bailey and Cristina came crashing through the woods at me.

April looked sharply at Cristina. "I think she's having a heart attack. Bailey! Your sweater!"

I felt crowded as Bailey pushed beside me, throwing his jacket off and covering her with it. "Zola, Call an ambulance! Someone get some Aspirin!"

Right. Of course. Duh. I fumbled for my phone. The call to 911 was a blur. I didn't remember what I said or what they said, except I hung up after they said, "...on the way."

And then I was standing in our living room. Our living room full of doctors, as my mother lay on the couch while Cristina listened to her Person's heart with my stethoscope.

Mom just lay there, she wasn't completely unconscious, but she was unresponsive and gasping, her hand clutching at her chest, her nails tangled in the buttons of her blouse.

"Everyone back off," Bailey said to the crowd."Just give us room, _please._ "

Someone let the paramedics in, and she was put on a stretcher, and an oxygen mask put over her mouth... and she was hooked up to all these electrodes, and then she was being carted out the door.

"Zola, come on," Cristina said.

"What?"

"She needs you... _Come on!_ "

Numbly, I followed her out the door of our dreamhouse and into the back of the ambulance. I sat down on the bench as a paramedic administered an IV on my mother.

"She's having a Myocardial Infarction," Cristina was saying... "Nitroglycerin..." but I wasn't paying any attention to her medical mumbo jumbo. I just grabbed my mothers hand and held it while I pushed her sweaty hair out of her face.

"Please... Please be okay mom, please... we still need you."

At some point during the ride, mom blinked and shifted, and her glazed eyes looked at me.

"Mom?" I asked, squeezing her hand tighter. She squeezed back and I gasped. "Mom!" Underneath the fogged up oxygen mask I saw her lips move. _Zola,_ she was saying. _Zozo._

xxx

 **Ellis**

It must've been the strangest sight, several doctors lining the tiny halls of a county hospital. Several, as in probably ten or eleven, as one of their own was being worked on in the trauma room.

I didn't know what to do... I thought about calling Cory... but I wanted news first. I couldn't sit. I couldn't stand, I couldn't pace. I couldn't anything. In frustration, I pounded the wall with my fist.

Ow. "OWW! FUCK!"

The entire surgical team of Grey Sloan stared at me. Crap. I probably turned the shade of a beefsteak tomato. "What the HELL are you staring at?" I asked as I clutched my wrist.

"El," Bailey said, tugging on my shoulder.

"Get off!" I pushed him away.

Why didn't I see it sooner? I should've known. I had the whole week off work... I should've noticed something...

I peered through the blinds at my mother. Cristina was there, thank the Fucking Lord. She looked a little scared though, wouldn't anybody? But she was there, barking orders at the nurses and doctors. Mom was conscious... she just seemed out of it, her head lolling side to side and her hand reaching for her chest or the mask as the doctors worked on her. There was all these machines and wires...

Was this what happened to her mom? Ellis Grey had a heart thing... So this is was what it was like huh? My world was flipping. Again.

"El?" Alex murmured behind me. I saw his reflection in the glass.

"She's gonna be okay right? She'll be okay?" I asked, staring at the window.

"Mer's a fighter. She'll be okay." He said.

"She was sleeping so much... I thought it was just her Alzheimer's." I confessed.

Alex sighed and I felt his breath on the back of my neck. "It's not your fault, okay? It's not."

"I'll try to believe you," I said as I leaned back against his chest.

"Okay," and he wrapped his arms around me.

xxx

 **Bailey.**

Cristina came out of the room first. Her expression...hopeful?

I shot up out of my chair like a rocket. "Is she-"

Cristina held up a hand, stopping me. "She had a serious heart attack... but we're going to run some tests and see what the damage is... right now, she's out of danger."

"She's okay?"

"She's... Mer's good for now. We're monitoring her and she's not in anymore pain. She wants to see you guys."

I threw a glance at Zola behind me, and then to Ellis in front of me, and I schooled my emotions. I had to be strong for them. If they saw me calm, I'd be calm, and then mom would be calm.

"We can see her?" Ellis asked.

Cristina nodded. "For a few minutes, and then we're going to take her to Grey Sloan so we can run more tests. Hopefully, she won't need surgery."

"Surgery?" Zola squeaked.

Cristina stepped up to us and reached to bring us closer. "I just don't know at this point okay? But you have to trust me. I will do what's best for your mom. For you."

"Okay..." Zola whispered.

"Okay." I said.

"Let's go..."

The three of us followed Cristina to the now empty trauma room. Empty except for our mother, still clad in her jeans, although her blouse had been replaced by a hospital gown. The oxygen mask had been replaced by a nasal cannulae. Her eyes were closed, but when she heard us enter, she turned her head to the door and blinked up at us.

"Hey mom," I whispered, taking her cold hand.

"Hi," she said as her gaze followed Zola and Ellis who trailed in behind me. "Hi guys."

"Mom," Zola said, "We love you..."

"Yeah," my voice cracked like I was thirteen again.

"I love you too..." she whispered.

We didn't know what to say... so we all stood there awkwardly.

"I ran off, didn't I?" Mom finally said.

"Yeah... We were a little scared."

"I'm sorry," she said.

"It's okay," Zola said, and she kissed her forehead.

"I'm so tired,"

"It's okay mom," Ellis took mom's other hand, "Get some rest."

"Kay..." she said as she drifted off to sleep.

We watched her for a few more minutes... no one wanting to leave. And then I laughed, because mom started to snore. Ellis covered her mouth, trying to hide her snickering. And Zola looked like she wanted to slap us.

That's when I knew mom would be okay.

xxx

 **Two days later:**

 **Meredith**

"So... Doc, what's the prognosis?" I asked Cristina as she entered my room at Grey Sloan. "Please tell me I can go home... this bed is so uncomfortable."

Cristina double checked the chart. "Well, we can manage this with medication. I think that's best for now."

"I'm not dying."

"You're not dying. Your heart muscles have been weakened, but I think surgery would be riskier right now. You have good care at home, so with some diet changes and exercise, I think you'll be just fine."

"No more pizza?"

"No more pizza. Or grilled cheese."

"But Cristina, that was the plan! Death by Artery Clogging!"

"I know, I hate ruining your plans, but I'd rather have you."

"I know... me too."

"Well the Mcbrats are here... I'll go finish your discharge papers ok?"

"Okay..." I watched as she turned to leave. "Cristina!"

She stopped at the door and half turned. "Give me a hug dammit!" I demanded.

Cristina gave me that _look_. That I'm-your-Person-and-I-love-you-no-matter-what-but-don't ever-tell-anyone-I-hug-look.

And I won't ever tell her this, but hugging Cristina is one of the most amazing things ever. It's like being wrapped tightly in a blanket of trust. She just knows me...

A minute later, Zola knocked on the door. Cristina touched Zola on her arm before she left us alone.

Right away, I noticed something was bothering Zola. "What is it?" I asked.

"Mom...you remember what happened right? When you ran off?"

"Yeah..." I said slowly, maybe in a little while I'll forget, but right now... I remembered. The tiredness, the rain, the truck theat landed on my chest. And Derek I saw derek. He touched me. Kissed me... but it wasn't real. It was just Alzheimer's. Because if it was really him, he wouldn't leave me again. I scrunched the bedsheets under my fingers.

"Mom, I think we need to take Alex up on his offer and buy back your old house." I wanted to fight her on this... I did. I couldn't move away from the dreamhouse. I couldn't, could I?

"But what if he comes back? What if he comes home and we're not home?"

Zola glanced up at me, and I fell into her loving black eyes. I felt her warm hands wrap around my own.

"If he can't find you there, he'll know to go to your old house."

"You think so?"

"I think so."

"Okay." I said, completely trusting her. "But... Zola... I'm not selling the dreamhouse. I'm not."

"Okay," she said. "We can do that," And she squeezed my hand. "Bailey and Ellis are outside. Let's go home mom."

 **January 3 2037. Nanaimo.**

 **Derek.**

I lay in bed, in a cold sweat from another nightmare... when my phone beeped.

A message. From Alec Taylor?

 _Hey man... Remember Everett and Angie? I was telling them about you... I think you should come up to Haida Gwaii. They have something to show you..._

 **A/N:** Whew! Thanks so much for reading everyone! You can thank my manager for sending me home early from work today so I would work on this! If you have been a lurker and reading, let me know what you think!

Also... who said Mer and Der couldn't meet before 2038?

Should Old aquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?

Should Old aquaintance be forgot and auld lane syne?

For old long since my dear, for old long since?

We'll take a cup of kindess yet for auld lane syne.

We two have run about the slope, and picked the daisies fine.

But we've wandered many a weary foot since old long since.

We two have paddled in the stream from morning sun till dine.

But seas between us have roared since auld lane syne.

For auld lane syne, my dear, for auld lane syne.

We'll take a cup of kindness yet for days of auld lane syne.

And surely you'll buy your pint cup! And surely I'll buy mine!

And we'll take a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne.

And there's a hand my trusty friend! And give me a hand of thine!

And we'll take a right good will draught, for auld lang syne!

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne,

We'll take a cup of kindness yet for days of auld lang syne!

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne.

We'll take a cup of kindness yet for days of auld lang syne!


	30. Holy Mackerel!

**A/N:** Thanks Everybody! Special thanks to: col, Japa01, mandyg67, Patsy, CamillaGrey, and busybee for all your comments.

To col, I try and update this story twice a month, if that helps. Patsy, I am sorry, but as you will see, the family has moved into Mer's old house, for her safety, and for her kids to be closer if she needs them. However, she has not sold the dreamhouse, so there is still that possibility in the future...

busybee, thanks for your wonderful review! Yes, drowning metaphors abound in this story... I did do that intentionally. Who's saving who?

Okay this one jumps around slightly. **Pay attention!**

 **June 16 2037 North Cove.**

 **Meredith.**

I watched the road as Cristina effortlessly drove the rental down the winding highway on our way back to the Ferry. My heart was still doing flip-flops from the excitement of the day. It had been a most unusual experience. "I can't believe it. I can't freaking believe it! I caught a fish, Cristina... a real live floppy scale-y gross thing from the sea!"

"Yeah... that was pretty intense!" She chuckled, glancing at me with a huge smile.

"We have to get those pictures printed, Ellen will never believe me." Ellen... no that wasn't right- what was her name again?

"I so wanna see the look on her face when you tell her." Cristina joked.

"Yeah..." I said wistfully. Ellis. My daughter. Who loves fishing. Who looks so much like Derek.

"Mer?"

"He's gone. I have to finally admit it. Cris... I dream every night that I'm standing on our land, before the house was built, when I made the candlehouse. I dream that I'm there, waiting for him... but he never shows up."

"Mer..." she looked back at me sadly.

"I've been waiting and waiting... if he did survive, we would have found each other by now. So he's either a gorked out lump in some strange hospital bed... or, he's dead. I thought I'd... I thought somehow I'd know if he was but-" Something on the road caught my eye- "Cristina! Look out!"

A large brown shape jumped in front of the rental . I braced, my arms flying up instinctually to protect myself. Like that would do anything. I heard a crunch and saw white plastic material explode in front of me before everything went black.

 **Five months ago. Meredith:**

I didn't know or care what time it was, but it was late. I knew that because my youngest daughter was snoring in her bed. Which worked for me. I quietly slinked through the hall to the living room. It was full of boxes and bags. Stuff they were going to take with them before they shipped me off to a home, I was sure of. I opened up a box, it was full of my research books. I took the box with me to the study and began to unpack it. Then I grabbed another one. Dishes. I carefully unwrapped the newspaper covered plates and bowls and put them back in the cupboard. Another box. Dish rags and cleaning stuff, I put that away. Another box, Ancient DVD's and Blue rays. Those went in the living room.

"Mom?"

"Who's there?" I called out.

"Mom, what are you doing?" The voice came closer, and finally I saw a familiar coif of kinky hair.

"Maggie, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at the Mayo?"

"It's me, Zola..."

Crap. I knew it was Zola, but my brain decided to say Maggie instead. "Oh! Oh I-uh"

Thankfully, she ignored my verbal fumble, and pointed to the box I was rummaging through. "Are you unpacking?" she asked as I unwrapped some more dishes. "Mom," Zola put her hand over mine. "We talked about this."

Then I figured it out. She was going to stop me. I couldn't let her. I pulled my hand away. "No... no you're lying. You're packing up all my stuff and you're gonna put it in storage. And then you're going to put me in a home. I heard you talking. You tricked me into signing those papers..." Zola was the one with all the power. I knew what she was going to do. I had heard them talking. I should know, I did this to my mother. I convinced her to go into a home... Now they were doing it to me. I wouldn't let them. Not without a fight.

"Did you read your journal mom? Remember what you wrote in it?" Zola asked, crossing her arms. She seemed tired. Why did she seem so tired?

I picked up an old red cup and stared at it. Tiny white hair-thin lines snaked across it. It had been broken once, but somehow carefully glued back together.

I didn't remember reading my journal. I hadn't looked in my journal in a long time. Besides, it was lies, all lies. I shook my head and stepped back. "I know what you're doing, but it won't work-"

"Mom!" Zola cried out. "You have to stop this. We love you, we're not putting you in a home... we're moving, okay? All of us together are moving. Back to your old house. The one you lived in when you got me."

Zola reached for the cup and I wrenched my arm back,"I don't want to move!" I growled. But the cup slipped out of my hand and fell. I watched in morbid fascination as the cup, which I now realized was Zola's favorite cup, collided with the hardwood floor, the ceramic pieces careening in all directions.

"Oh!" we both exclaimed at once.

"I'm sorry," I said... "I'm sorry," Crap. I broke her favorite cup.

"I'ts okay mom, but it's not safe here anymore. Last week when I was making supper, you wandered off, you were halfway to the lake when I found you. What if you fell in? What if you got lost? There's no one else around here for a few miles. It takes a half hour and a Ferry Boat ride for anyone to get here."

I tried to follow what she was saying, I tried to understand, but it just seemed too much all at once.

"What if your heart gives out?" Zola was saying...

"My heart is fine!" I snapped.

Zola sighed, a heavy tired sigh, and I regretted snapping at her. What was I doing out here anyway? What were all these boxes for? And then I noticed the cup on the floor. "Zola... your cup," I said.

"It's okay, I'll get it," she said, picking up a broom from the corner

"Did I?- I broke your cup-"

"It's okay, it's just a cup, watch your step."

"No... it's not okay. It's your favorite cup." I bent down to pick up some of the pieces. "You insisted on using it for all your tea parties. You used to use it to rinse off your watercolor brushes, remember?"

"It's fine mom..." Zola said again.

But it bothered me. Somehow the emotional significance of the cup weighed on me. "You don't get it! It's not just a-a- cup, or _just_ a house! It's home.

"I decided, on this spot, that I wasn't going to let your father go... and we drew in chalk where the nursery would go to show Janet that this would be your future home... your whole life was here. My whole life, well, the only part that matters... I can't- you can't just take me away from that."

"I know..." Zola paused in her sweeping, "But I'm scared that I'm going to lose you. That I'll wake up or come home and you'll have wandered off somewhere and we can't find you... and-" she choked. "You were so pale and sick that day mom, I almost thought you were gonna die."

"I'm right here..." I said. I'm fine. I'm alive and breathing...

Zola guided me to the couch and we sat down. I stared at the mismatched red pieces of Zola's broken mug and tried to put them together. I had to fix it.

"I loved that cup," Zola said. "You always made me hot chocolate in that cup."

"It just needs some glue... I can fix it." I think.

"Maybe, if I find all the pieces. But there's a lot of pieces and some of them are really small."

"I can fix it-" I insisted. I had to fix this. I had to fix it. I fiddled with the pieces again, picking up half of the shattered handle. That piece can go there... with that. I just need some glue.

"Okay... but mom?"

"Yeah?"

"It's just a cup. There's more of them in the cupboard."

"I... know." Of course there was more cups. But this one was special.

"But I only have one mom. And I can't fix her. All I can do is help her in this moment and the next. And I'm terrified of losing her. So I want to keep her as safe as possible. You know what I mean?"

I nodded, but knowing what she meant and agreeing with it were two different things. "I can't move.. what if he comes back? He'll come back home but we'll be gone- and-"

"What if he comes home and you're gone.?" she said softly. "What if I have to tell him-"

"Oh... Zola." She was scared that I would die? She should know that I'm practically invulnerable. Yet- I still remembered that time in the woods, how terrified I was, how worried my kids were. I didn't want them to go through that again.

"You see?" Zola said.

I was starting to understand. "We're moving," I sighed.

"Yeah. But we don't have to sell this place okay? You can sublet it out... Owen and Amelia were thinking about moving back here, they could stay at the house."

"Okay, okay." I relented.

"Okay." Zola sighed and leaned her head on my shoulder. "I'm tired."

I turned in my seat and wrapped my arms around her, "Come here," I said. "I love you." I said as I put my hands on her shoulders and started to massage the tense, knotted muscles of her trapezius. "I only have one of you too. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I love you too."

xxx

 **March 2037 Meredith.**

I was in a room with a desk and a file drawer. A woman sat on the other side of the desk in a white lab coat. Her strawberry blonde hair and full lips matched the picture on her pocket that said Dr. Collins. She wasn't a _doctor_ doctor, Like I was, or had been... she was some kind of lab rat? No, research buddy- argh, I don't know. Whatever. She looked young and painfully nice and perky. "Okay, next, can you tell me the address I gave you before?" She asked.

"Um," I could remember this, I knew I could. I put a finger to my lips. She had said it only moments before. Johnson? Jefferson? "One twenty-seven Jefferson?"

"Jefferson..." she prompted, was Jefferson a street or avenue?

"Um..." Come on Meredith, show this bottom feeder just how well you're doing, don't screw this up... "Street."

"Okay." She said, smiling as she marked her clipboard.

I pumped my fist under the table, certain that I got it right.

"And where are you right now?" she asked.

Okay, I should know this one too. It wasn't Seattle Pres because this wasn't my regular check-up, this was for something different. I was on a trial. I searched the room for clues, but of course there was none. I remembered a circular logo... not a hospital. An institute... named after a guy... Alvin? Albert? Al something... "Just give me a minute, I know this," I said tapping my fingers on the table.

"Take your time."

"Al something... Albert- No, Allen. The Allen institute!" I said, snapping my fingers. Got it!

Dr. Collins, although she wasn't a _real_ doctor, marked her sheet. "Okay... so I just need you to draw the time for me. Draw what five-fifty looks like on a clock."

So easy. I picked up the pencil and wrote 5:50.

She looked at it and smiled. "This is what a digital clock would say, but what about an analog clock?

"Analog?" I asked. "Like with the pointer-thingy's and the numbers?" Crap. A trick question.

"Yes," she nodded.

"Okay..." I stared at the blank paper. I knew what she meant but I couldn't translate it onto paper. I drew a line then erased it. I remembered the number 12 was important so I wrote it down, but couldn't remember what came next. Dammit, I was doing so good. I sighed with frustration.

"It starts with a circle..." she hinted.

Oh, right! I drew my best circle and wrote the number 12 at the top, that was important somehow. Slightly below 12 and to the right I wrote the number 13, then 14, and then frowned. That didn't jive with the picture in my head, I erased the whole thing and started again. 12, 1, 2, 3, 4- until I circled around back to 12 again."What time am I supposed to show?"

"Five-fifty," she said.

I put my finger on the one, and counted, "five," my finger moved to the two, "ten, fifteen, twenty..." my finger slid along the clock until I reached fifty in my counting and my finger stopped at the ten. I drew a bent line from the ten to the five. "Fifty five. I mean, Five fifty. Right?"

She simply smiled again and wrote on the clipboard. It was starting to feel fake. Barbie doll here was a _fake._

"I'm doing good right? The drug is working, isn't it? I mean, I feel better... I'm improving, right?"

"I can't say." she said.

"Well can't you give me a hint? I mean I've been here all day, working really hard at this... can't you tell me if I've at least improved a little? Because, I don't know... it feels different this time."

"I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to disclose any definitive results until the end of the trial."

"You know... I'm so fucking tired of this," I snapped. "I feel like a goddamn guinea pig. You've scanned me, I've had a full physical, you've taken blood samples and skin samples and brain cell samples. I've answered all your questions, I've drawn pictures and-and-" I panted, not able to think of anything else to say... "I'm tired, and frustrated. I think I deserve to know how I'm doing."

Dr. Whosit? sighed loudly. "Believe me, I want you to know too, but I can't do anything to taint the results."

Yeah sure... "This isn't tainting anything! This is giving a patient some peace of mind! Because God knows I need some!" I'm losing my mind everyday. I just needed to know... was it worth it? Was I going somewhere?

She stood up, "Meredith, we'll be able to tell you more at the end of the trial in eight months, okay? But if _you_ think you're feeling better and doing better, then that must be a good sign, right?" She said, trying to soothe me.

I crossed my arms. "Whatever, am I done here?"

"Yes, you are all done." She walked to the door and opened it for me.

"Thank God." I said, feeling suddenly tired and worn from all the work I did today. I exited the room, and stood in the hallway, suddenly lost. "I-" Where do I go now? What do I do?

"Meredith!" Somebody called my name and I looked up.

"Huh?" I knew who she was... her name was on the tip of my tongue. Derek's sister. I walked toward her. Now there was a _real_ doctor. If I could just remember her name.

"Hey, how did it go?" she asked, smiling.

"I just want to go home, can you take me home? I don't..."

She patted my shoulder, "It's okay, c'mon... you wanna stop for ice cream? I've been craving double chocolate fudge."

"Can I get strawberry?" I asked, a weight lifting off my shoulders. Ice cream, the perfect distraction.

"Sure," she said. "You must be exhausted."

"I swear, I'd rather do my boards again than do that."

"That bad huh?" she sounded sympathetic. God, what was her name? Think Mer, think.

"I just wish I knew... how I'm doing, I don't know how I'm doing..." I said. An A. Her name started with an A...

"I think you're doing just fine..." She said, continuing our conversation as we strolled down the hall.

"But am I getting better? Is it working?"

"You know... I think you are getting better."

And then it just clicked. "Amelia." I said.

"What?"

"No, I mean, I remembered your name, at first I couldn't but then I thought about it... and then, I remembered. That's something right?"

She flashed me a smile that reminded me too much of Derek. "Yeah... I think it is."

xxx

 **May 2037 Seattle Meredith**

"Hey El," I said, plopping down on the couch beside her, "Whatcha doing?"

Ellis smiled at me. It was amazing, the trial drug that I was on seemed to be working. I was sure it wasn't a placebo, because after three months of taking the drug, I felt I was doing really well. l still forgot stuff and struggled with words and directions, I was still alzheimer-y. But bad days seemed fewer and farther between and good days like today seemed more frequent.

I picked through the mess of pictures and articles Ellis had on the coffee table wondering what they were for. There was lots of pictures of debris and flooding and sad and desperate people. People bleeding and broken. Pictures of people in scrubs, nurses, doctors. Men and women in uniforms, firemen, police, army...

"I'm working on a project," she said. "Did I tell you I want to apply for college again?"

College? She wanted to go to college? I couldn't believe it! Finally! "What? You do? That's great!" I said brightly. "So... this is...?" I gestured to the pictures.

"Cory and I have been working on a book that we want to release on the tenth anniversary of the tsunami. These are the pictures we've gathered. Mostly from other people, but I took some too. Cory goes around and interviews people, he's got all these connections. He's been down in LA and San Fran... but the last part of the book will be about what happened north of here." Ellis paused meaningfully.

"Oh," I said. North of here. A sense of dread filled me.

"Yeah... the last part will be our story. About dad."

"Oh..." I sighed. It was my fault, I should've been there. And now-

Ellis swallowed. "I haven't given up, mom. I still think he's out there."

"I know..." I didn't know anymore. I just... It terrified me to think about it... that he was out there, away from us, badly hurt and unable to find us, and when I let my mind go there I did crazy things like run out of houses and get lost in the woods and have heart attacks, so... I tried not to think about it much.

Ellis rubbed my knee. "Anyway, I'm applying for photojournalism, so some of this stuff will be in my portfolio..."

A portfolio? Photojournalism? I picked up a couple of her photos and looked them over. She'd always been a bit of an artist, "That's uh... um, I think Ellis, that's you." It fit. Finally, something fit for her. Something that she loved. I felt a swell of pride in my chest at my daughter's decision.

"Really?" Ellis asked, as if she didn't believe me.

"Really. El, if you weren't holding a fishing stick you were holding a picture thingy." I made a face. It was late. Words were hard.

Ellis laughed, and the tension eased, so I laughed too.

"C'mon mom, it's late, you should get to bed. Did you take your pills?"

I turned my smile into a glower. "Now I feel old. You're not supposed to make me feel old."

"And you're not supposed to have heart attacks, so you should take your pills..." She said, standing up and offering her hand for me to take.

I took her hand and pulled myself off the couch. "I'm totally being mommed by my daughter. I'm filing a complaint to the human referree commitee."

"I think you mean human rights commitee, and by all means do so..." She parried back, guiding me to the steps.

Some days I had no problem moving around, other days it was hard to differientiate what was real and solid and what wasn't, or how far away something was. I'd broken a few dishes that way. Today was one of those hard days. The stairs didn't look like stairs, they looked like... I couldn't seperate one step from the next, It was one long slanted line, how far did I need to lift my foot? Would the step be solid under my foot? Was it a step or was it a wall? I bit my lip and concentrated on each step up. Having Ellis one step above me seemed to help. I followed her to my room where Zola laid out some pajama's for me to wear. I sat down on my bed and picked up my pill container and made a show for Ellis, that yes, I do know how to take my pills, see?

Satisfied, Ellis left me alone to do her own bedtime routine.

I sat on my bed and picked at the sleeves of my Washington U sweatshirt Zola got for me. There was something... I wanted to show Ellis something, I had to tell Ellis, I had to find- I got up and started looking. Where was the box? The box with the papers in them. Not papers... Oh where was it? I pulled open all the drawers of my dresser. Nope. Not there. Maybe my closet? I opened it up, but it was only full of clothes and shoes. Where-where-where? I used to have it taped to my wall at the old house-

Oh! Now I remembered. Under the bed. The box under the bed.

"Ellis, come here," I called, as I knelt on the floor and reached to pull out the picturebox from under my bed. I heard Ellis huff as she entered my room, dressed in her PJ's. I dug through the box, there was a picture I wanted to show her... I had to find it. "Dammit, Where is it?" I dumped the entire contents of the onto the bed to better find the picture.

"Mom?"

"Just a second... it's here somewhere-" I pushed the pictures around. "It's here... somewhere. I remember, I remember..." I had to share this with her... And then I saw it. "Here." It was old and crinkled and a little faded, but she had to know the significance of this photo.

"What?" Ellis sighed,

"Just look." I held the picture out.

"Mom, I've seen these pictures before..."

I practically shoved the picture in her face. "Look!"

"Okay!" She pulled it from my fingers and stared at it.

It was a photo of Ellis, when she was about a year old. Just standing there beside me. Her wavy hair stuck out every which way. I was standing close to her, only my bare legs and waist were in the picture, and she's staring thoughtfully ahead, a finger in her mouth.

"It's a picture of me when I was little, so?" Ellis shrugged.

"Your first steps..." I said. I hadn't forgotten.

"What?"

"We were camping. Our first vacation with the five of us since you were born. Camping of course. I would've preferred a beach, but anyway..."

"Anyway..."

I took Ellis' hand and pulled her to the bed to sit next to me. "You stood there for the longest time, you were a stander you know? I mean, Bailey didn't really stand much before he started walking, he kinda just moved from crawling to running in no time. But you? You would stand, and look at me, and look at dad, and look at the world, just taking it all in. I was wondering if you would ever walk. But _there,_ " I pointed to the picture with my pinky, "That was taken after you took your first three steps. Just- bam! Derek was scrambling for the camera, but by that time you stopped. You didn't even fall."

"Really?" Ellis said, flipping the picture over in her hands.

"Yeah. I feel like, that's you...right now, figuring things out." I said, translating the meaning of the picture to her. "And that is perfectly okay, because as soon as you do, there'll be no stopping you."

"Oh," She said, looking at the picture with renewed interest. "Thanks mom. Can I keep this?"

"Of course."

xxx

 _ **NOW (June 16 2037):**_ **North Cove.**

 **Meredith.**

Spinning, I was spinning and dizzy and nauseous. Everything ached, I felt warm liquid dribble down my face.

When could I get off? This was some crappy ride. "Uhh," I moaned. I blinked. What happened? Where was I? I looked over, there was somebody beside me. I was in a car... did we crash? Who was that? "Hey.." I reached over and touched her shoulder. I knew her but... What was her name? I must have a concussion or something, I can't remember anything really. I don't know how I got here, wherever here is.

I swallowed and tried again. "Hey..." but she didn't move. My fingers reached for her carotid. There was a pulse, that was good. But she wasn't moving. That wasn't good. She's bleeding a lot too. I have to help her, I- where am I? This isn't Seattle- this is- I have to get help. I have to get out. I unbuckled my seatbelt and fumbled for the door. What happened? Where the hell am I?

The car windshield was beaten in and smashed. A large brown furry creature- a deer? Laid dead on the side of the road and I stared out at the bare winding road ahead of me. "Help..." I called weakly. Crap. Crap, crap, crap.

I had to get help. Right? Dazed, I stumbled along the shoulder of the road...

xxx

 **Earlier Today:**

Sonny's boat rocked and tilted with the waves. I swayed to balance myself. It had been raining most of the morning and was just now starting to clear up. I tugged on the line of my fishing pole. Here, fishy fishy fishy... "I don't know how Derek could do this... Just sit in the middle of nowhere and throw a fake fish in the water, and somehow catch a fish... I mean, really... How many freaking fish are there anyway?" The ocean was huge... chances that a fish could be here in the exact same spot as me was slim to none right?

Sonny and Cristina looked at me and laughed. They'd developed a wierd friendship over the years, I was jealous. I mean, I found him first right? "Shut up. Just never you mind the Alzheimer-y widow with the super big fishing pole." I stuck my tongue out at them.

"Should we get you galoshes and hipwaders too?" Cristina joked.

"You know, maybe I'd catch a fish if I carved you up for bait."

"Too bad you left your scalpels at home."

"Sonny, you've got a big meat knife back here somewhere right?" I said, trying to get him back on my side.

"Oh, probably..." He adjusted his hat, "But I don't know..."

Oh, it was useless, "Ah- shaddup-" There was a sudden jerk on my pole. My body lurched forward. "Hey! Cris-" It jerked again hard and I almost lost my grip on it as I was pulled to the back of the boat.

"Whoa there!" Sonny called, leaping to action and grabbing the pole. "Reel it in! Reel it in!"

"I'm trying!" I said, reeling the line in and pulling at the same time. It was a massive game of tug-of -war. "Son-of-a-" I muttered, gritting my teeth as I braced myself. The rod bent the more I pulled, only relaxing slightly when I let out bits of line as Sonny instructed. I struggled to balance myself and Cristina came up beside me to help. Three people were needed to get this fish.

"It's a big one," Sonny was saying. It was big and strong. Every time it pulled back I was pulled with it.

"Holy Crap!" I grunted as the line zipped out further.

"Keep going, you're doing great," Sonny encouraged.

"Yeah, right." I didn't believe him... no way was I gonna get this stupid fish. We battled. I tugged and reeled and released and pulled... It felt like it was taking forever. I was sweating hard with exertion. Finally, something happened. A change... the line relaxed. I shook my head. "No, I lost him."

"No you didn't!" Sonny said. "You still got him! You tired him out, he stopped fighting."

"Wha-?" I said, peering to look over my pole. He's still there?

"Yeah, yeah, keep pulling, keep reeling. I'll get the net." Sonny said, dashing behind me.

I stopped for a second before Cristina poked me. "C'mon Mer,"

"Oh, right." I resumed reeling it in, watching as Sonny leaned over the side of the boat with the net. Then I saw something, the fish broke through the water. I saw the curve of its back crest through the water. "Oh my God, I caught a fish! I caught a fish! Oh my God!"

"Holy Mackerel!" Cristina quipped, earning a dirty look from me.

Sonny maneuvered the net under the fish and grunted when he pulled it up over the side and into the boat. "Mackerel is right, I think," he said, grinning. "He's almost a meter long, big boy this one..."

"What? I caught a Mackerel?"

"Can we keep it?" Cristina asked, like a kid asking for a puppy. I raised an eyebrow. "What?" she said.

Sonny shook his head, "Unfortunately we gotta let'm go... not in season."

"Oh," I said, disappointed. But really, what would I do with a giant fish?

"Well come on, let's take a picture, quick." Sonny said, lifting up the fish and putting it into my arms.

It's powerful body slammed and wriggled against me. I could barely hold on. Tears came to my eyes suddenly and I didn't know why at first. And then I did. For the first time in years I felt closer to Derek than ever before... like he was just within reach.

 _That was such a high... I don't know why anyone does drugs..._

 _Yeah._

 _Yeah._

 _I'll see you around._

 _See you around. See ya._

 _ **Now.**_

 **Meredith.**

I don't know how long I'd been walking. I stopped and stared at the vacant road. I had to get help. Someone was hurt. Who was hurt? I was hurt. I looked at the dried blood on my hands. I felt my forehead and winced at the cut on my forehead. No, there was something more to this... something more important, but I couldn't remember. Where was I?

I swallowed back another attack of nausea. What was wrong with me? Oh...

I bent at the waist and threw up. "Ow." I said as my ribs ached. "Ow..." I said again, but less out of pain and more out of despair and hopelessness. Something was terribly wrong but I couldn't figure it out. Why was I bleeding? Where was this unfamiliar road? Where did it go? I was so thirsty and tired.

Maybe I should just sit down. Yeah, I should. Rest. And think... I was going to get help... or...

That tree looked shady, maybe I can just sit there and close my eyes for a minute. I leaned against it and slid down. So tired. I closed my eyes.

 _The dark sky winked starlight as I paced among lit candles, phone in hand. "Stupid, corny, idiotic. I cannot believe I did this. Stupid loser. Son of a... I could be at home instead of- Stupid brain man..._

"Hey."

That voice. It'd been so long since I heard that voice... I was starting to forget what he sounded like.

"Hey! Are you okay?"

"Ouch," I sighed.

"Hey... are you with me? C'mon, I can help you."

I blinked. A fuzzy dark shape was right in front of me. I blinked again. Those eyes, so blue and clear and vibrant. "Where have you been?" I mumbled, still half dreaming... "I've been waiting and waiting for you, and you never showed up!"

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**

 **A/N:** Been waiting forever to use that line... Please review!


	31. You're here

**A/N:** Wow! You guys are amazing! I know... cliffie. I wanted to update sooner, but it needed to come just right, and this update was actually extremely hard to write...

Thanks to DarkAndTwistyGrey, Japa01 tinuviel21, Patsy, busybee, bonanos Guest, mandyg67, and welcome new reader, J8doll!

Here we go...

 **June 16 2037 North Cove Derek.**

"So, you think you'll find answers here?" Lynn asked as we disembarked from the ferry from Nanaimo.

"I... don't know, maybe." I shrugged as I drove the truck down the winding road to North Cove. A few weeks ago, I'd just gotten back from Haida Gwaii. Angie and Everett had indeed found something... And it led me here, to North Cove.

Lynn was tagging along. She rubbed her belly bump. She was seven months pregnant with her first child, but workaholic she was, she had volunteered to come along and bring supplies to the new clinic they were building here. So, to kill two birds with one stone, I volunteered myself and my truck as well. At least I also had the pleasure of her company.

"I hope we get there before the storm hits." Lynn said, looking worriedly at the clouds.

"We'll be fine," I said and reached for my coffee as we navigated around a bend.

"Whoa! Chris, stop!" Lynn said, grabbing my shoulder. Immediately ahead was a smashed-up blue sedan and a dead deer. "Oh my God!"

I hit the brakes, slowing to a stop on the shoulder, a few yards ahead of the car. Someone could be hurt. "C'mon." I said, jumping out of the truck.

I approached the smashed up car from the passenger side, Lynn from the drivers side. The driver was out cold, bleeding profusely from a laceration over her eyebrow. "Is she okay?" I asked Lynn as she felt for a pulse.

"Yeah... Yeah I think so..." she said, but she was still worried.

"I'll call for help," I said reaching for my phone.

"Grab the first aid kit too," Lynn added.

As I pulled back from the car, I realized something, the passenger airbag had been deployed. The door had been wide open when I arrived...

"Lynn..." Rising panic hit me. "There was someone else in the car..."

xxx

 **Feburary 2037. Vancouver. Derek**

"I've been remembering things," I said to Dr. Spicer as I paced the office. He looked at me over his glasses and raised his brow, prompting me to continue. "I can't always make sense of it... but sometimes something will trigger a memory." _Like a kiss._ "I think... I think I saw someone I love..."

"Interesting," He said, marking his notebook.

"So... what does this mean? What do I do?" I hadn't been able to sleep properly for weeks. That was partly why I was here. I kept having nightmares.

"Well, there's nothing much for you to do, Chris... except-"

"What?" I asked. Please tell me something, anything. I need to sleep. I need to remember. I need to know what happened.

"Just keep doing what you're doing, keep living life, experiencing things..."

I shook my head. "That's not very helpful!"

Dr. Spicer sighed and put his book down. "I understand this is frustrating, but it seems like your newfound memories are triggered through experience. You diagnosed a man with a head injury and seemed to recall that you understood medicine, you went to a black tie event and relived an intimate moment, you rescued a girl from drowning and recalled doing CPR on someone else, you searched for a plane in the woods and seem to think that maybe you were in a plane crash too."

"I was kissed..." And I remembered another kiss. Another _kind_ of kiss... "It was like an explosion in my brain. I saw her, and I felt... love."

 _Your choice?_

"If that is indeed what you experienced, then it could be that as your mind is processing these things it is opening up pathways to the trauma that caused you to repress your memory."

I sat down on the couch and rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "I got a message from... an acquaintance up north. He wants me to meet some people up in Haida Gwaii... he says they have something for me."

 _It's simple-_

"So..." Dr. Spicer gestured. "Are you going to go?"

 _Her or me._

"I want to?" I said.

"Why haven't you? I mean, if it was me... I would've gone immediately."

I ran a hand through my curly locks. I had this impending feeling of dread as I thought about the island I'd been stranded on. I absolutely did not want to go back there. I'd buried a dead man there. I woke up to nothingness there. It haunted me. "I... what can they possibly show me?"

"Okay, let's say you don't go. You stay here, continue what you've been dealing with these past few years, plod along in your progress... You may never get your memories back, but at least things are nice and stable right?"

 _And I'm sure she's really great-_

Put like that, it sounded lame. "That's... I don't know... I don't know what I want. If I go there..."

All I can see is a pale thin frame. Lifeless. Dead. A dead body. Is that what they would show me? A rotting corpse? A skeleton?

 _But-_

"Listen, you believe that you loved someone at one time, am I right?"

That kiss. Those lips. Fire. "Yes."

 _I love you._

"Then, can you imagine the possiblity that this person loved you just as much?" It was as if I'd been slapped. How had I been so self centered? My world tilted on it's axis as I considered the notion.

 _I was gonna say..._

"Why didn't they come and find me? Why didn't they search?" I asked.

"I imagine it was as hard for them as it is for you." Dr. Spicer said, steepling his hands thoughtfully.

 _What I wanted to say, was..._

"So... I shouldn't just do this for myself."

"I think you need to consider the possibility... that someone has lost you too."

 _I've been in love with you... forever._

xxx

 **May 2037 Nanaimo Derek.**

I had a strange sense of Deja vu as I entered the bar at the airport. It had taken me three months to get a hold of Angie and Everett, another month to take the time off and make arrangements. They'd just spent the winter way up north working and I'd just now recieved an invitation to meet on Haida Gawaii. I was to catch a plane up, courtesy of Alec Taylor Inc.

"Scotch," I ordered to the barkeep. It was early afternoon, the bar nearly empty anyway. My stomach felt odd, my nervous energy unsettled me. What was up there for me? What could I gain by going back to the island I ended up on?

But I had to face my fear. My doubt. Dr. Spicer was right I had to play this out to the end, follow to the finish. Was someone on the other side of this? I rubbed my bearded jaw. Dangling. I was dangling on this precipice of hope and fear. I sipped my scotch, the spicy burn sliding and twisting down my throat.

 _Stay here. Wait for me._

 _I know there's a ring!_

 _We can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart._

 _I'm gonna try... I'm gonna try and trust you._

 _You're a lemon._

 _That's what you and I do together. We kill things over and over again._

As much as I had tried to convince myself these last few years... I wasn't happy. Not as happy as I could be. Not as I happy as I knew I once was. I lived my life in this sucking whirlpool. Slowly feeling like something had been pulled out of me since the truth had been revealed.

A jingle of bells pulled me out of my thoughts, and I slid my gaze to the door. A tall man entered. "Hey buddy, there you are!" A loud voice called. Alec Taylor. I shook my head. "Whoa, you grew a beard," He continued, "Not like me, Native genes, I can't." he rubbed his chin as he landed in the chair beside me.

"Can I get you anything?" The bartender asked.

"Double scotch," He said. He laughed when he saw my shocked expression. "Kidding! Club soda, man."

The bartender laughed and poured Alec's drink from the tap. We sat in silence for a few minutes until Alec finished his drink.

"Well?" He asked.

I nodded. "I'm ready."

Alec grinned and threw a wad of bills on the counter. More then enough to pay for both of our drinks. "Let's go then," he said.

xxx

Alec blabbed on in the plane as we flew over the Pacific, but I didn't pay attention. I stared at the blue-green swirls beneath me, the color reminded me of a pair of eyes that haunted me in my dreams.

 _No, see... you can't do that._

 _Do what?_

 _Not look happy after sex._

 _I'm fine._

 _Not so convincing._

I sighed, trying to push the dread away. I tried to look forward. This was good right? A breakthrough? The radio crackled loudly as Alec called in his approach, and the plane dipped down. I swallowed, my ears popping to the change in pressure and stared down at the small village below. The dream of rushing water and debris came back to me, and I shivered in automatic response. Why did this place give me such a visceral reaction?

"Comin in fer a landing!" Alec called with a grin as the roar of the engine deepened. We touched ground, _Bump-bump-bumpa bump,_ before settling into a smooth roll on the runway. We were here. I was here, to find what... I didn't know, but I pushed my doubt and fear away for just a little while.

I was on the verge of something.

xxx

After getting off the plane, I was told to wait at the store, and someone would come along and take me to Everett and Angela's place. I felt like I was in some strange Western movie. The village was still tiny, and it seemed as if time had stopped there. No one was in a hurry, no one needed to go anywhere... nothing needed to be done today that couldn't be done tomorrow. The world was on pause here.

Part of me embraced that. Enjoyed it. Natural beauty abounded everywhere, even now, as I peered into the sky, a couple of Bald eagles chased the shoreline, and I thought I saw a deer scamper into the bush behind of me.

"You Chris?" A man asked, he had dark hair and light brown skin, his hair pulled into a braid behind his head. His face was wide, and he smiled at me broadly.

"Yeah," I said.

"C'mon then, I'll take you to Everett's." He pointed to his truck and nodded down a road. "They live over there."

"Thanks." I said. "What's your name?"

"Oh," He shrugged. "You can call me Lunch."

"Lunch?" I asked. "What kind of name is Lunch?"

"I _dunno_... They just always called me _that_ ," He grinned.

I smiled. "Well, everybody likes lunch..." I joked.

He chuckled. "I always come when they call me..."

Lunch wasn't like Alec at all, he was quiet as he drove the truck, but he sensed my anxiety. "You're nervous," he said.

"I'm... just a little scared of what they have to show me." I said honestly.

"Don't be scared." He said. "It's not scary."

"Oh, you know what it is?"

He shook his head, "No, but it's not scary... answers can't be scary. How can you be scared if you don't remember anyway?"

I thought about it. "I guess I'm scared of what it might make me remember."

"But if it makes you remember... isn't that good?"

"What if I remember someone dying?" A flash of pale blue skin. The feeling of cold wet lips on mine...

"What if you don't remember anything?" Lunch asked, "I think that would be _worse._ "

"Hmm," I rumbled.

The road twisted and then came to an abrupt end. "We have to walk from here. C'mon, it's not far, just over there," he said, nodding beyond a small hill.

I smiled in relief when I saw the small shaft of smoke rising from the tall trees. Just a little ways. I followed Lunch up the hill and down into the woods along a packed-down trail. Soon... soon I would find what I was looking for.

I vaugely recalled this place. My leg had been broken, I was sore and bruised, but they had found me. They took care of me. They got me where I needed to go. I realized I hadn't really thanked them.

I stopped at the threshold of the cabin door and paused. Do I knock? What do I do? Lunch answered my question by opening the door, as if it was his home too. "Hel-lo?" He called as he entered. He gestured for me to come in... "It's okay..." he said.

I looked around. It looked exactly the same as I remembered it. The tiny kitchen, the bed and rustic chair. Wood by the door, furs lining the walls. Even the smell of stew.

"Lunch..." A voice called from behind a curtain that I never noticed before. It swung open, and there was Angela. "Oh, good," she said. "You're here."

xxx

I stared out off the rocky cliff face. If my memory was correct, not to far from here was where I built my makeshift shelter, and on the rocky shore below was where I washed up.

 _I reached for the body. I had to pull him to the spot where I could bury him. His skin... just feeling it made me gag, but I pulled anyway. It took a lot more strength and energy then I thought. I wondered briefly if I should just leave it, but I didn't want to attract predators, so this had to be dealt with._

 _As I covered him with dirt, I saw flashes. Like sparks. Bang! I heard the crack of a gun._

 _You're not the man here, I'm the man. Somebody has to protect people... From you._

 _You're a murderer._

 _I piled heavy wet dirt over his face. Over his chest, abdomen, legs. I buried him so he would stop talking..._

"Hey." Angela interrupted my reverie. "Are you ready? Everett's not far from here."

I sighed. "Yeah." I gave one last glance to the dark clouds that formed a line on the horizon, blocking the sun. "Let's go."

It was a a hike of about an hour until we came across Everett's make-shift camp. A dwindling fire sent smoke spiraling around my feet in tiny tendrils, a dew covered tent rested in the middle, and a wooden smoke shack had been built on the side.

Just as we arrived, so did Everett, holding a couple dead rabbits by their hind legs. "Perfect timing..." he said.

An hour later, after Everett skinned and dressed the meat, wrapped it and tied it up high away from the bears, we were on our way. We actually headed back into town, and Everett was walking quickly, eager to show me what he found.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"You'll see..."

Angie patted my hand. _It's okay,_ her eyes said.

I tried to trust in that reasurance.

Finally, we stopped at a large storage shed. "After the tsunami, it took years to clean it all up." Everett explained. "So much garbage thrown up by the sea... Angie and I were on the shore... where you washed up on," he opened the door to the storage shed and led me inside.

I gasped, it was full of personal items, clothes, shoes... destroyed electronics, fishing gear, wood, metal barrels... whatever you think might be on a boat was there. Everett took Angela's hand and I followed them deeper into the storage room. He grabbed a step ladder and walked up to the wall, reaching for something hanging up.

Well at least it wasn't a body.

It was a white ring life preserver. And in worn out black letters the word Sagittarious. The name of a boat. As he handed it to me, I expected to a flashback or a sensation... or something. "What's this?" I asked.

"We think..." Angie sighed. "We think that was the name of the boat you were on."

"Sagittarious..." I murmured. I waited for the wave... the flashback, the memory. But nothing. I didn't know what to think. I just stared at the preserver. "Um, thanks," I didn't know what to do or think.

"There's a registry, all the ships have to be registered. You can look it up, find out if-"

"Yeah... yeah," I said. Of course. That made sense didn't it?

"Snap out of it!" Angie gently tapped me. "You can do this. You do have a family out there. Somebody is waiting for you, and it's about time you showed up, eh?"

xxx

 _ **Now:**_

Lynn stared at the deployed airbag in shock. I swallowed. "I'll get the first aid kit, you make sure she's okay..." I ran back to the truck and grabbed the kit from the back seat. At the same time, I reached for my phone and dialed 911.

" _Boop-beep-boop Service Error Out of Range."_

"Dammit!" I muttered.

"Give me the kit," Lynn said. I handed it to her. "Okay so the other passenger must've went for help..." I said, looking down the road.

"There's blood on the airbag," Lynn said. "They could be in shock, or badly hurt. You have to go find whoever it is," She started to climb into the sedan to treat the other woman.

"You're pregnant," I said, "I don't want to leave you here alone."

"I'll be fine, Chris, you have to go..."

"Right." I nodded and ran back to the truck, I'd drive a few miles down this way and then switch back if I didn't find anyone. "I'll try for a signal too."

She nodded. "Okay."

xxx

 **May 2037**

"What's wrong?" Everett asked me later that night.

I sighed, turning the preserver over in my hands... "I feel like..." I couldn't describe it, just this wave... a feeling of dread.

 _I have a feeling._

 _I get those._

"I don't think anyone is looking for me..." I said with a sigh. "If they were, they've given up." Everett nodded. He pushed a stick into the slow-dying fire, sparking up new flames. I blinked, not realizing that my eyes were watering. "Is this it for me? Is this my life now? I mean, don't get me wrong... it's not bad, I enjoy my work, I have friends... but-"

 _How long does it take to retrieve a lost soul?_

"I just feel like I'm missing something." Not only my memories, but... a part of me. A part of me that lived and breathed and loved...

Everrett threw another log on the fire, causing it to snap and crackle with new life. He stirred the fire again, then got up and walked to a nearby tree and pulled some fresh green branches off. Then he threw the branches on the flame. "Have you ever prayed before?" He asked.

"I-" I didn't believe in religion or spirituality. I believed in what was right in front of me. What was real. What I could touch. "Not really," I said.

"Maybe it's time... time to have a little faith."

As the fire caught on to the branches and licked the green fir needles, thick smoke curled up and around us. "I-What do I say?"

Everett blinked slowly, dark eyes glinting from the fire. "Just... that you need help. That you're lost. Your prayer will travel to the sky with the smoke, and the spirits of our ancestors will help you." He nodded, "I'll leave you alone for a few minutes." He said, and stepped away from the fire.

I watched the fire, the smoke, I watched it curl and curve and mist around me. "Help me," I found myself gasping. Begging. "Help... I'm-I'm so lost..."

xxx

 _ **Now:**_

I hopped in the truck and pulled it into gear, tires screeching as I jetted out. I drove carefully, going slow enough that I could pick up details on the side of the road. I kept trying to dial 911 as I peered onto each shoulder. "C'mon, c'mon," I said desperately. I pounded the steering wheel in frustration. Still out of service. It'd been a few minutes, I was sure I was past the point where anybody could have walked. I was about to turn around, when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Something blue. I stopped the truck and piled out. I saw a figure in a blue jacket slumped against a tree.

"Hey." I called out.

As I walked closer, I realized it was woman, she was small framed- her shoulder-length blonde hair stuck to her face, which dripped blood from a large gash in her forehead. She didn't move.

"Hey! Are you okay?" I stepped high through some bushes to get closer.

"Ouch," she sighed.

"Hey... are you with me?" I was worried about that cut. I leaned my arm against the tree and crouched. "C'mon, I can help you."

She blinked. Her eyes dazed and unfocused, as if she was waking up from a deep sleep. "Where have you been?" she mumbled, narrowing her eyebrows. "I've been waiting and waiting for you, and you never showed up!"

"What?" I asked. Obviously she was disoriented, I was worried she had a concussion.

She stared at me for an endless minute, her expression sad and heartbroken and I fell into her light green eyes. "You remind me of my husband..." she said softly. "But you're not him, it's impossible." And then her eyes closed.

"Hey, hey," I patted her cheek, "Stay with me!"

"Mmm," she breathed, and opened her eyes again. "Crash... Iwasinnacrash,"

"Yeah," I said, "Your car is just up the road," I reached for her hand and pulled up her sleeve to feel her wrist for a pulse. I frowned, it seemed very weak.

"Car?" she said, "No...I wasinnaplanecrash..."

"I think you're confused." I said. I pulled her eyelids up with my thumbs to check her pupil dialation. It seemed okay, but I was still very worried.

"M'okay," she said, batting my hand away, "I have to find... I have to find Cristina..." she tried to push herself up, gripping my forearm for support.

"Your friend?" I asked, helping her stand. "Come on, my truck is right over there." We had to get back to the road. Lynn probably needed help. She swayed, trying to get her balance. I wrapped her arm around my waist so she could lean against me. She was as light as a feather. She chuckled.

"What?" I asked, as I trudged up the small embankment.

"Hmm, nothing," she sighed, gripping me tighter.

I helped her up the ditch to my truck. By then I noticed her laboured breathing. "Are you okay?" I opened the passenger door and helped her settle in the passenger seat.

She clutched her chest... "I... don't know."

"Your ribs hurt?" I asked.

She nodded. "I have to find Cristina-" Suddenly she stopped and stared at me. Her hand wrapped around the sleeve of my jacket, and I found myself fascinated by those long thin fingers. I looked into her eyes, my reflection in her grey irises. Haven't I seen those eyes before? That face?

"Are you real?" she asked hoarsely.

I squeezed her hand, "Yes," I said.

"Because... this feels like a very weird dream."

It did. "I know," I said, but we didn't have time to waste, I had to get back to the wreck.

I hopped into the drivers seat and fastened my seatbelt and then hers too, and then pulled a U-turn and gunned it back down the road.

It seemed almost instantly I was back in front of the car. I walked over to Lynn, who was still hunched over the driver.

"I'm worried," she said, "She hasn't woken up yet."

I shook my head, "I wasn't able to get a hold of anyone..." I muttered. "But I found the passenger." God, I didn't even know her name. "She's very confused," I said. "Pass me some gauze."

"I swear we had signal just five minutes ago," Lynn said as she handed me the remainder of the first aid kit. "She's stable, I think." She sighed, "What do we do now?"

"I don't know." I said.

"We can load her in the back of the truck. North Cove is... ten minutes away?"

"Okay, okay..." I said. There was no other choice.

And then Lynn winced. Her hand landed on her abdomen.

"Lynn?" I asked, suddenly concerned.

"It's nothing, braxton hicks..."

I hoped she was right.

"Okay, I'm going to check on the passenger, and then I'll be right back."

I grabbed the gauze and jogged back to my truck. "Hey," I said to my passenger, holding up the bandages. "I'm going to fix your wound."

"You're here..." she said.

"Yeah," I said.

"You're here and you're saying things..."

I smiled at her, amused by her demeanor. "I'm here, saying things." I repeated. I pressed the gauze against the cut and pulled the hair out her face. She grimaced a little as I wiped the dirt and blood off. When she blinked up at me again, I was once again mesmerised by those eyes, those lips. Like she was out of my dreams.

But it wasn't possible was it?

"You're my knight in shining... whatever," she teased.

"I _am_." I said, taping the bandage in place.

She sighed. "You are."

"Okay, I'm going to go get your friend, and load her into the truck, and then we're gonna get you help okay?" I started to back away to close the door when she grabbed my arm.

"No..." she shook her head. "No don't go- I just got you back..."

I didn't know what she was talking about. Did she think I was her husband? "It's okay. I'll be right back... sooner then you know. Stay here. Wait for me."

"No... No," she grabbed my arm, clutching me so hard I hissed in pain.

"I... have to. Your friend, Cristina... she could be badly hurt."

Her grip relaxed just a little. "Cristina?" She asked.

"Yes, I have to help her. We're going to put her in the truck, Okay? You have to let me go. Okay? Please."

"I..." she seemed so distraught, and I couldn't wait. There wasn't time to reason. I pulled her fingers off my wrist and dashed over to Lynn.

We loaded the still unconscious Cristina into the back of the truck, Lynn following her in. "Are you okay back here?" I asked. She nodded, rubbing her abdomen again. "It's the only way." She said. "You're the better driver."

"Alright." I jumped in and put it in gear. We had to fly. As I pressed harder on the gas, I looked over at my passenger. "You know, I never got your na-" I started, but she'd slumped over. "No..." I said, "No, no, no." I reached over to feel for a pulse, it was there but extremely weak. Her skin was pale and clammy. I pulled down on her shirt. Her chest was red with bruises.

She was breathing but barely.

Dammit.

xxx

All I could do was drive. Drive. And hope. And... Pray.

The truck rumbled up to the new clinic and I hopped out, rushing inside to get help. "Help! Help! We need help! Somebody call for an air ambulance!" I yelled.

Everyone looked confused for a moment, but then there was a flurry of activity as I rattled off what they needed to know. I ran back to the truck and grabbed the woman in my passenger seat, checking again for a pulse. She was still there, still breathing. Someone passed me an oxygen mask and I put it over her face and turned it on. "Come on, breathe. Just breathe..."

 _Breathe..._

 _I don't -I don't- I-don't want my mother to die alone..._

 _I don't want you to be alone... if something happens to me, I don't want you to be alone._

I was oblivious to Lynn, Cristina, the inexperienced staff dashing around me. I couldn't tear my eyes away. This woman, who was she? She was pulling me in...

"She's tamponading!" Someone said, I looked up with wet eyes. Lynn.

"Get me an eighteen gauge needle!" I barked.

"What?" Lynn asked.

"We have to drain the fluid around her heart."

"What?" Lynn asked again. "But we don't even have an ultrasound- and-" _what do you know about a cardiac tamponade?_

"Just do it!" I growled. Somehow the needle ended up in my hand, and I measured automatically, carefully, my fingers tracing down her breastbone. This would be tricky. I couldn't miss. With agile fingers I never knew I possessed, I inserted the needle so it would slide into the small sack around her heart. Everything swirled around me in a blur, nothing mattered except the tip of the needle and the woman on the stretcher.

 _You almost died today._

 _Yeah. I almost died today._

I pulled the syringe carefully, filling the needle with the fluid. Carefully I removed it from her chest. Did it. Done. "Okay... Okay," I released a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

"Ohhh." she groaned and blinked. I put the oxygen over mouth.

"It's okay, you're okay. Just breathe..."

"Der..." she murmured before she closed her eyes again. I checked her pulse and laughed with relief when I felt a far more stronger pulse then before.

 _I'm glad you didn't die today_

Then I retched.

xxx

But it wasn't over. I watched over my two 'patients' with increasing worry. Cristina still hadn't woken up, which was disconcerting, it had been nearly an hour now, although everything else seemed okay, nothing more serious than some nasty bruises and bumps. The other woman still seemed to be in a signifcant amount of pain. The nurses and staff had given her a dose of morphine, and she'd passed out. But I couldn't tear myself away from her bed. I just kept holding her hand, rubbing her pale fingers... feeling like I found something. A limb. A filler for the hole in my heart. My soul.

 _I feel like I just got you back._

I couldn't leave her alone again.

"Chris..." Lynn called.

"What?" I almost snarled. Then I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

"The helicopter is here... They're going to take both of them."

"I need to go with them," I said, getting up from my seated position. Two men in jumpsuits walked in pushing a special stretcher, and carrying large red bags, they spoke in low tones and immediately set about to transfer her.

"No, wait..." I said. "I have to come with you... you have to take me with you..." I gripped her hand harder. The men pulled on the sheets and transferred her to their stretcher.

"I'm sorry," one of them said, "We don't have room." They pushed her down the hall and I followed desperately.

Outside, the roar of the chopper was deafening. "I can't leave her again!" I yelled. Again? I gripped the stretcher. They'd already loaded Cristina I noticed. And she was awake too I saw, although she still seemed out of it.

The men pulled on my fingers, "You have to let go, she could tamponade again, we need to get her to a hospital."

I reached again for her arm. "No..." and then I saw her eyes open. She flinched from the thumping thunder of the chopper. "Hey," I said, leaning in. "I'm here. It's okay."

The way she looked at me was as if she'd known me forever. Her mouth moved under the mask.

"What?" I asked, and I moved in closer to her. So close, I could smell her hair. Some kind of... flower. Her mouth moved again, but I still didn't understand. I pulled the mask from her face.

She grabbed a handful of my sweater, "Kiss me."

"What?" I asked, unsure of what she just said.

"Kiss me." She said again, pulling me closer to her. So close I could feel her breath on me. My heart skipped and rolled and somersaulted with panic and fear... and love. I licked my lips, exhaling my anxiety as I looked at those soft full lips.

 _I'm all for the kissing. More kissing I say._

And then my lips were on hers, softly pressing, tugging. They weren't cold. They weren't lifeless. They were warm and soft, and so familiar. And-

" _But Derek, I love you. In a really big-"_

I was pulled to another place, another world in the instant I kissed her, I was also in a grey room, with a window and a big sink.

" _Pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake-"_

There was the familiar scent of antiseptic, and the familiar feeling... of home.

" _Hold a radio over my head outside your bedroom window-"_

And I was staring into these young, vibrant, passionate-

" _Unfortunate way that makes me hate you-"_

Vulnerable- Life giving-

" _Love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me."_

Eyes.

"We have to go!"

I was pulled away from her, and the paramedics were lifting the stretcher onto the chopper, and someone was holding me back, even as I wrenched my arm away.

"No!" I cried out in pain, ripped in half. "No!" I called again, not taking my eyes off the chopper, even as the door was slammed shut. Even as the nose lifted upwards, the blades lifting the chopper higher and higher. Farther and farther away from me.

What was that? What just happened to me? And who was that woman?

What did this mean?

I whirled around, facing Lynn. "Where are they taking her?" I demanded. I'd hop in the truck- I'd follow them- I'd-

"Vancouver," she whispered. But something was wrong. She leaned against me.

"Lynn," I said.

"I'm bleeding..." She said, staring down at her feet. "My baby," she whimpered.

"Oh no..." I said as I stared out at the retreating helicopter.

xxx

 **A/N:** Worth it right? BTW Lynn is not pregnant with Derek's baby okay? She's married. But they are friends. This chapter is Dedicated to Darryl. AKA Lunch. Someday, I'll see you, Over There. ;)

Anyway, please review!


	32. Extraordinary Together

**A/N:** Thanks Everyone! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

That last chapter was intense! Thanks so much to: EllieMoon, mandyg67, Pat, spbabe9, DarkAndTwistyGrey, J8Doll, two Guests, Hasi2012, Judayan and mollyisfast for your amazing comments!

Remember the first chapter? That is where I am building to... so hang on to your hats. Mer & Der will be reunited for good very soon okay?

Also, for the sake of this chapter, (as you will see,) In my universe, the season 11 accident didn't happen in any shape or form. Note the time jumps here! This chapter is similar to Ch. How to change a tire.

 **Picking up from the helicopter scene, Mer's perspective.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **June 16 North Cove Meredith**

Loud raucus _thudda-thudda-thudda-thudda_ thundered around me. Was I moving? What was happening? I was lying down... the pain that felt like a stab to the chest was now a dull ache. I felt woozy... light headed. And someone was squeezing my hand, hard. I blinked and opened my eyes.

Oh God, there he was.

"Hey," he said, his eyes crinkling with reassurance. "I'm here. It's okay," he said in that Mcdreamy tone. He was here, saying things. He was here. I could never forget that little scar on his forehead, or his compassion, or the way he looked at me, like I was _everything_.

Shepherd... something...I moved my mouth but nothing came out. His name was on the tip of my tongue, but my brain wouldn't cooperate. I was out of words, out of names. Mcdreamy's brow furrowed and he leaned in closer. "What?" he asked, pulling the mask off my face.

Those lips, I missed those lips. I missed him. So I just said, "Kiss me."

He looked so confused that I thought for a second that he wasn't real at all. "What?" he asked again.

Brainless brainman! Didn't he hear me? I grabbed a fistful of his sweater, pulling him closer to me. I needed- I needed to feel him. I needed to know that this was _real._ There was only one way to find out, " _Kiss_ me." I demanded.

He hesitated, his eyes filling with panic, but, I saw a flash of something, that lovely hooded look that he gave me so often when he was about to tell me-

 _I wanted to say- well, I what I was going to say was-_

Please be real, please...

He licked his lips. I felt his breath against my cheek, and when our lips touched, it felt like home, like-

 _I've been in love with you-_

Lightning.

 _Forever._

It _was_ him. He was real. I wasn't dreaming, this wasn't a delusion. When he pulled away, our eyes locked, and we stared at each other in astonishment. How long had it been?

It felt like a day. It felt like forever.

"We have to go!" another voice barked, and he was pulled away from my grip. The oxygen mask came over my mouth, and I was moving backwards.

"No..." I whimpered. No... Derek- I struggled in the gurney, but they were strapping me in, and I couldn't move. What was happening? Where were they taking me? "Der..."

"No!" I heard him shout. "No!"

There were faces hovering over me. I felt the prick of an IV in my arm. The _thudda thudda thudda_ noise returned to my senses... Not again, I just got him back. My stomach curled with the pain of abandonment. I couldn't see him anymore. I was lifted up... higher and higher... further and further. Pain gripped my heart as the monitors beeped rapidly, I couldn't do it anymore. I let myself go.

xxx

 _'Beep..._

 _Beep..._

 _Beep..._

The first sound I became aware of was the steady rythmn of the heart monitor. I exhaled loudly and tried to roll over. Bad idea. A sharp pain in my side caused me to gasp. "Ohhh." I moaned.

"Mer?" I heard someone say. My hand was being squeezed, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't open my eyes, I was just too tired. Exhaustion covered me like a thick blanket. I fell back asleep.

 _Beep..._

When I woke again, I forced my eyes to open. What happened? "Derek..." I murmured as I looked around. I was in a nondescript hospital room. But Derek wasn't there. Footsteps and noise from the hallway caught my attention. I watched the door as a nurse bustled in. "Oh, you're awake. How are you feeling Miss Grey?"

Crappy.

"Do you remember what happened?"

A jumble of images and thoughts and feelings flashed through my mind. A crash, Cristina covered in blood... and that face. Those eyes, the way they looked at me, like I was everything. And then... after that I just remembered a lot of pain.

"Miss Grey?"

"I want to go home," I said wearily. I didn't know where I was, I didn't know what happened, I just wanted... him. "I want to go home..."

Home. Seattle. My kids. Derek. Except... was it real? Did I see him? I thought... maybe... but it couldn't be. It was impossible. He was gone. Long gone, swept away by the ocean. It was a dream. A delusion. Stupid Alzheimers.

She stepped closer and rubbed my shoulder. "You will, soon. You were in an accident remember? You were taken to a clinic and then rushed by helicopter here. You're at Vancouver General Hospital. You had fluid around your heart and we had to drain it, then we had to perform a procedure using a thoroscope to prevent it from happening again. But you're going to be just fine," she said smiling.

I was in a crash, with Cristina, "Cristina..." I murmured.

"Oh, your friend... she had a grade three concussion and some bruised ribs, but she'll be fine. I'll tell her you're awake. She was very worried about you." The nurse nodded before leaving the room.

"Okay." I breathed and closed my eyes. Cristina was okay. We were okay. Except... My fingers touched my lips. "Derek?" I wondered aloud. Where was he? He should be here. He was supposed to be here.

 **January 2015 Seattle Meredith.**

"It's snowing," I said, staring out the living room window. "How can it possibly be snowing?" Seattle was known for rain, but snow was a rare event here.

"Mm, El Nino?" Derek said from behind me, resting his hands on my shoulders.

"What?" I asked.

He shrugged, "Unusual weather patterns..."

"Oh, yeah, global warming and all..." I sighed and rubbed my very pregnant belly. I was due in two weeks, and quite excited to finally see Flipper instead of feeling him or her kicking my ribs. "But if it's global _warming_ then why is it snowing?"

Derek pressed closer, his stubble scraped my cheek and I could smell the fresh scent of his body wash. I pulled his arms around me, my hands covered his. "Well, I'm a doctor," He said, a smile in his voice. "Not a weatherman."

"That you are," I turned my head to kiss his cheek. "A doctor with super-sperm," I sighed and looked down at my pregnant tummy. "I can't wait... I can't believe we made another one, Der."

"I can."

I rolled my eyes and walked over to the kitchen, "Do you want something? Coffee? Tea?" It was one of those days where you just wanted to cozy up on the couch with a hot drink and a good book. As much as I craved a good bloody surgery, I was on leave, and It was Derek's day off. The first time in a really long time that we were alone together. Zola was spending the day with Sofia, and Owen had snatched Bailey up just a little while ago to spend time with him as he'd been wearing my patience thin.

"Tea would be nice."

"Okay. I'm going to have hot chocolate." I reached up into the cupboard for one of our red mugs, when I felt something _pull._ "Mm," My hand went to the bottom of my belly. _What was that?_ I wondered as I released a slow breath. It didn't feel like a contraction... "Derek? Can you bring that mug down for me?" I asked, pointing.

"Sure." He reached up and grabbed the mug, putting it in front of me, "Here you go."

"Thanks," I said, but something felt _wrong._

"Meredith?" Derek asked, hearing the strain in my voice.

"I don't know," I said, meeting his concerned gaze. "I think I'll just go sit down."

He smiled a little, trying to reassure me, "Okay, I'll put the water on."

"Yeah," I breathed, rubbing Flipper as I walked to the living room to sit down."Ohhh!" I bent over. Tearing ripping pain nearly brought me to my knees. Warmth pooled between my legs. It didn't feel the same as when my water broke having Bailey.

"You're bleeding!" Derek cried out, taking large steps toward me. "Mer!"

All I could do was stand there trembling while I stared at the growing puddle of red on the floor.

xxx

 **June 16 2037 Derek**

"Chris," Lynn whimpered as she squeezed my shoulder. "It's too soon... it's too soon..."

My attention shifted from the sky to my friend, and back to the sky again. I frowned at the thickening grey clouds. The wind was picking up, a strange humid blast against my cheeks.

"Chris?" she asked.

"Uh... let's get you inside, we'll find you a doctor okay?" A rising panic stirred in me... not only for Lynn but also for the woman thundering away in a chopper, because after that kiss, there was a sudden connection that was nearly impossible to ignore. Except, my friend could quite possibly be having a baby.

Lynn nodded, "Okay..." she said, and I ushered her inside as quickly as I could.

"Where's the doctor? I need a doctor!" I yelled.

 _I didn't become a doctor to play God, I became a doctor because I wanted to save lives._

What was that? A feeling... A strange deja vu struck me. Like I'd done this before, I'd been here before.

"There isn't a doctor here," an old lady said from a chair in the waiting room of the clinic, "He's in the next town, we don't know when he'll be back."

I looked over at Lynn, her face crumpled in pain. Someone had to help her. "We have to get a doctor, she's only thirty-three weeks!"

xxx

 **Meredith Seattle January 2015**

"Whoa," I said, swaying. Derek steadied me. A clenching cramping pain rolled through me and I gasped. "Okay... that was definitely a contraction, Derek."

"I'll grab your stuff, we'll go to the hospital," he said, "Just... just stay here, remain calm, everything is going to be fine."

I nodded and leaned against the couch, too afraid to sit down, too afraid to move. Why did this always happen to me? But as soon as I relaxed a little, my insides cramped. "Oh!" I exclaimed. It was like someone reached in and twisted my uterus. "Ahh!" I doubled over in agony. Something was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

"Meredith!" He was beside me in a second, trying to help me to the door.

I resisted and shook my head, "No... no, Derek."

"What?" he asked. "Mer, we have to get you to the hospital."

The hospital... was too far away. There was snow, and ice. Freezing rain in some places. No. "I'm not going to make it..." I said, shaking my head. "This baby is coming now!" My arms wrapped around my abdomen, "Owww!" I could feel the ripple of the contraction, my uterus tightened and relaxed.

Derek's eyes filled with concern. "You're bleeding, that's not a good sign."

"I'm not having my baby in the Porshe on the ferry in the middle of a freaking snowstorm!" I retaliated. I felt hot. And cold. And hormonal. But there was no way I was leaving, not right now... there wasn't enough time.

Derek ran a hand through his hair. "Meredith," he said, in a worried tone that scared me.

But I knew... I just knew... I shook my head again. "No... I'm staying here." Another contraction caused my breathing to sharpen. I felt woozy. I looked down, more blood on the floor, trailing down the inner thighs of my yoga pants. Not good. Not fucking good. I couldn't remain standing anymore so I slid to the floor. Nothing mattered except that Flipper would live.

Derek looked down on me, concerned, "Alright..." he said,and I felt his hands on my shoulders reassuring me. "I don't like it, but..." the corner of his mouth twitched upwards slightly, "I'm a doctor," he said. "We can do this. And I'm also calling 9-1-1."

I nodded. Okay... I could live with that. I hoped. As another contraction hit, Derek went to work.

xxx

 **Derek, June 16 2037 North Cove**

"Okay... Get her to a bed," I called out. "We need towels, an IV, and warm water... gloves..." I'd have to check if she was dilating. If she was, it wasn't good. As I helped Lynn onto the bed, I gazed at her and tried to emote confidence and focus in my expression. "Okay, just stay here, and remain calm, everything is going to be fine."

 _I was on a ferry. The sun was bright and shining, reflecting off the surface of the water below. There was something so familiar about this Ferry, it wasn't like any that I'd been on before. Something happened here, I knew. Something good and warm and joyous._

" _Remember this place?" My subconscious asked._

 _When I turned to her, I gasped. "You." I said. It **was** her. I hadn't been imagining things or making things up. For the first time, her face was clear and recognizable, vibrant and alive._

" _Yeah, me," she said, smiling. It was radiant. A special smile reserved for the person that she loved. Me._

" _What? How?" I stammered._

 _She shrugged, "I dunno, hey, I'm just your subconscious here, remember?"_

" _Oh yeah..." I said as she stepped closer to me. "All along, you've been here... that voice in my head, that feeling..." I shook my head, unable to describe it._

" _You're close, so close, you have to keep pressing on..."_

" _My friend, she's... it's bad," I said, unable to keep the worry from my voice._

" _I know."_

" _I'm scared. I don't know how to help her."_

 _She came closer to me, her eyes searching mine. Her hair blew behind her with the wind. I felt her hands down my shoulders, my chest, comforting me. "But you do." She said, gazing into me, the very depths of me. When her gaze landed on my lips, she inched up on her tip-toes and kissed me. "You just have to try."_

"Chris?" Lynn asked, pulling me back into reality. I carefully draped her with a sheet as she removed her soiled pants and underwear.

"It's okay Lynn, I'm here... I'm right here."

xxx

 **Meredith, January 2015, Seattle.**

I was in too much pain to feel embarassed as Derek pulled my pants and underwear off and helped me settle on a blanket on the floor. "Lean back, and let me take a look," he said as I leaned against the back of the couch and let him look. "Uh... okay, well you're dilated... maybe three centimeters."

"Uh-uh." I shook my head, "Not enough, it's not enough..." Another painful squeeze of my uterus took my breath away, and I felt my abdomen go rigid. A sudden thought occured to me. "Derek, he hasn't moved... Flipper..."

"What?"

I shook my head. Since that first pulling sensation, the baby hadn't moved. Flipper was active usually, rolling around in there, pressing a hand or foot out occasionally.

"It could be nothing," Derek said. "Maybe she's just getting into position."

Maybe. But I did have a hostile uterus. "Stethoscope. Get a stethoscope. Ohhh." Another contraction. My back ached. My insides burned. This wasn't normal. My mind raced through the possibilites, and when one of them occured to me, I felt the blood drain from my face.

"Mer?"

"Too much blood... it could be... maybe-"

Derek shook his head. "No. Not an abruption." He said firmly.

"But it could be." I bit my lip and winced as another contraction hit. If it was, the baby was losing oxygen. "Derek! Stethoscope!" Tears welled in my eyes. Time... we were running out of time. I felt more blood pour out of me. Wasn't an ambulance supposed to be here?

Derek left my field of vision and came back momentarily with a stethoscope, we kept one at home for the kids to play with, Zola liked to put it against different objects to listen to all the sounds... but now I was glad we had it around. I watched blearily as Derek pulled my shirt up and I pointed to where I felt the baby was, and where best to hear a heartbeat. I didn't know for sure though...

Anxiously, I watched him as he pressed the cool disc against my skin, listening intently. "Derek?" I asked, after what seemed like an eternity. "Der..."

"Shhh..." He replied, moving the stethoscope to another spot. I whimpered through another contraction, the pain barely registering at this moment as I watched his tense expression. He sighed and wrapped the stethoscope around his neck. "There's a heartbeat, but it's... it's not good... we have to get the baby out."

xxx

 **Derek 2037 North Cove**

"Okay, you're dilated, but it's only a few centimeters," I said to Lynn.

"Chris... it's too early! There's no NICU, no steroids to help the baby's lungs!" she exclaimed, panicking.

Inside, I was panicking too, but as I glanced around the clinic, I realized there wasn't any option.

 _Is my ego too big?_

 _Your ego is just the right size._

 _You can do this._

"I need a stethoscope!" I called, "And a blood pressure cuff!"

"Chris..." Lynn said, "What's going on? What are you doing?"

"Uh..." I didn't know, but I did... somehow, this felt _right._ "Lynn, just relax and breathe for me, okay?"

"Okay," she said, swallowing. What other choice did she have? "Where's my phone? I want to call Charlie..."

"Someone get her phone please, it's in my truck." I called out, and then I took a moment. To breathe, close my eyes, and will myself to focus.

" _Did it ever occur to you that I went through a trauma too?"_

" _So l have exposed the right lower quadrant, and you are dividing the cecum with Forceps... Lift free from the arachnoid... Tacking sutures... Patties...Suction." Exhale, Inhale... "Starting over."_

" _Clipping aneurysms, stopping bleeds, that's the fun. That's changing the world with our hands."_

" _It's a beautiful day to save lives, let's have some fun."_

"The baby's heartrate is low, Lynn. And your blood pressure is through the roof. Not to mention the blood loss..."

"No, no, no this can't be happening. He's too little..." Lynn pleaded.

"We'll make some calls, have an air ambulance come if we have to, but..." I knew now, what I had to do.

"But what?"

"I'm going to perform a C-section. Thankfully the clinic has some pain medication I can use. It's a quick procedure."

"Chris?"

"Yeah?" I said, standing up from the stool at the end of her bed to come beside her and hold her hand.

"Why the hell are you talking like that?"

"What?" I asked, confused.

"I work in a hospital. And you just used the 'doctor' voice on me."

"Doctor voice?"

"You sound like a doctor. You sound like someone who's done this before."

I knew now, what I could do, what I was capable of. I knew... because I remembered. I didn't know everything, but it seemed like... it was more accesible. These memories, the door was open, the filing drawer unlocked, all I had to do was reach in.

xxx

 **Meredith, January 2015 Seattle**

"You've done this before right?" I asked my husband. I mean, of course he had. At one time... in residency? But that would've been years ago, in some far off hospital. Who was I kidding? This was me. Nothing ever went to plan here, my life was like some overly dramatic network TV show... bombings, shootings, drownings, scary births... "Derek?"

"Well, uh... it's..." He took my hand in his while brushing the hair out of my face. His soft caress on my cheek comforted me. "Meredith, I'm here, and I love you, and I won't let anything bad happen to you, okay? Not today. Not now." Goddamnit, now I had to believe him. Freaking Mcdreamy.

I squeezed his hand. "Okay... okay..." I breathed. "The ambulance... the ambulance is coming right? I mean, I'm not having a C-section here in my house... I need drugs... there's no drugs, except for tequila, but I don't think I wanna risk the chance of my baby having three heads and sixteen toes, right?"

Derek bent down and kissed my forehead. "It's coming Meredith, just hang on, just hang on for me."

"Ohhh..." I breathed through another contraction. I was feeling so tired. "You always say things..."

"You do too."

"M'Iloveyou." I slurred. My insides curled and quaked again,"Ohhhh, Derek! Where's the freaking ambulance?"

xxx

 **Derek North Cove, June 16 2037.**

I snapped the gloves on, "Okay, I need some lidocaine and a needle. Lynn, I'm going to administer an epidural, okay? It's sort of improvised but it will work, you have to trust me."

She squinted at me, "You're remembering something aren't you?" she asked. "You're a doctor... or you were..."

 _I'm a doctor, not a weatherman._

"I..." I breathed deeply. I didn't want to give false hope, I was acting out of pure instinct at this point, and frankly, despite my calm exterior, I had my doubts. "Lynn, you've known me a long time. Do you trust me?"

 _I'm gonna try... I'm gonna try and trust you. Because I believe-_

"...Yes," she nodded. "I trust you."

 _That we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart-_

I brushed the hair out of her eyes and gazed at her. She was my friend, and I felt her pain too. She'd been there with me literally from the begining. From the very start, she'd been my support, my lever. Now I was returning the favour. "Okay. I'll take care of you, all right?"

Lynn nodded and swallowed as she shuddered with another contraction. When she was done, I positioned her on her side and pulled up her shirt. I applied a local anesthetic first to the area I would be injecting into, because the clinic didn't have long enough needles, so I would have to cut through the fat and muscle first. After the initial cut, I inserted the needle into the epidural space, between the vertebrae, and carefully threaded the catheter through. Then I cleaned and sanitzed the wound and bandged it up. "Okay..." I said, laying the bed flat and helping Lynn lie down.

"Chris... if something happens, it's not your fault... I don't- I won't blame you..."

"You won't have to because nothing bad is going to happen." I replied easily.

 _You're here, saying things._

 _Yes._

And then I stared at her abdomen, scalpel in hand. It was time to cut.

xxx

 **Meredith Seattle January 2015**

I was in a haze of pain and tiredness. A few minutes ago Derek had given me a few sips of water but it didn't seem to help any. Where was he anyway? I thought he was right here... "Der...?" I called out weakly. How long had it been? Not long... an hour maybe, since the pain. I felt like I was going to pass out. Blood loss. I must've lost at least a litre... and my baby... we hadn't even settled on a name. I rubbed my belly. "C'mon Flipper, stay with me, you don't get to die... you can't. Not after all the crap we went through already. You're it. You're the second chance... so no dying, and no brain damage, got it?"

A rustling noise and voices got my attention. Voices. Who?

"Sorry, it's really icy out there, the ambulance got stuck about a mile away. I walked, my partner is with the bus. I'm Deluca. Where is she?"

"Over here." Derek said urgently, his footsteps loud against the hardwood floor. Suddenly he was there.

"Derek," I whimpered. "It hurts..."

"I know... we're going to help you. You'll be fine." He jerked his thumb to the guy behind him, who looked sort of like a... musketeer. Gallant. "This is Deluca, he's a paramedic. We're going to get you on a stretcher-"

"No." I said, shaking my head. "I can't risk it. You can't move me, it might make things worse, and it'll take forever to get- Agh!" This pain was worse. And different. "Get the drugs," I gasped. "Get the knife- you have to- Ohhh... I can't- I can't- Derek-" I couldn't speak anymore. I just gripped his forearm, begging him.

"Mer- I, okay... okay. Deluca, ever perform an emergency C-section before?"

"Uh... I read about it? In med school?"

"Oh good, you're a med student. I'm a doctor, neurosurgeon actually. And you, Deluca, get to help me deliver our baby. Sound good?"

"Uh... okay."

"Okay."

I blearily blinked at my husband, feeling the hot prick of tears in my eyes. I was so tired and sore... and weak. But Derek eschewed confidence as he squeezed my hand and pecked me on the lips. "Okay, let's set up an IV, and then we're going to have to make some kind of epidural. Do you have Lidocaine in your bag?"

"Yeah, I got some here..." I heard D'Artagnan say, or what was his name again? Whatever. Derek rolled me carefully on my side and I felt the long pinch of the needle. A few minutes later, as the pain settled into more of a throbbing ache, Derek hovered over me, scalpel in hand. Oh God...

He swallowed, and I saw fear in his eyes, but he had to do it. No other way. Flipper could be dying in there. He hesitated, but I understood. This was his wife he was cutting into. This was his baby he was trying to save. It called for a moment of hesitation. I gave him a moment, but only a moment. "It's okay Derek, you can do this. You have to..." I choked out.

He nodded, traced the line he was going to cut into and then-

xxx

 **Derek, North Cove, June 16 2037**

It had taken a couple of careful incisions, first through fat and muscle, and then the peritoneum. It amazed me how sudden my knowledge of anatomy just came to me. I pushed the bladder out of the way and exposed the uterus.

"Are you ready?" I asked a nurse- what was her name? I didn't remember. She nodded, the table for the baby was ready with clean cloths and suction. With a deep breath, I steadied my hand and _gently_ inscised the uterus. There it was. The head. A mass of curly dark hair greeted me. Carefully, I slid my hand down... under, bringing it into position. "Okay, got it, got-" I smiled as the baby slid out. "It's a boy," I said, grinning,

Lynn just looked scared, "He's... he's not breathing..."

"I know," I said, but I nodded. I clamped the cord in two places and cut in between. "That's expected, okay?" Even as I spoke, I handed the baby over to the nurse so they could work on him. My attention returned to the mess on Lynn's belly. Now... how to put this all back?

"Sir?" One of the nurses said, "Sir, the baby still isn't breathing..."

"Uh..." I didn't know what to do. The baby was turning purple.

xxx

 **Meredith January 2015. Seattle.**

"Meredith?"

I heard Derek calling me. My breaths were shallow as I tried to fight the heaviness of my eyelids. I would not pass out. I could not pass out. "Mmm..."

"Stay with me, Meredith. I can see the head."

What? Already? Granted, a C-section was not an ex-lap, but seriously? "Does it have your hair?" I squeaked.

There was a pause as Derek worked. He spoke to the paramedic but I didn't pay attention. And then I felt a tug, and the pressure inside me was gone, "Oh..." I sighed with relief.

"Yes! She has my hair!" Derek exclaimed suddenly.

"Yeah?" I said... and then, "Wait, _she_?" I tried to lift my head up to see... but I was too weak. "Issagirl?" I slurred. A girl. Zola. Bailey. And now... another girl. "Derek?" I had to see... I had to see her.

"Just a minute."

What was wrong? Why wasn't she crying? "Derek..." I couldn't help the panic, the fear... I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move...

A desperate wail assaulted my eardrums. My baby! My little girl. The hot pricks behind my eyes became steady streams as my panic subsided and turned into... elation. She was okay. Flipper was okay. I fought to stay awake, I had to see her. Derek's face came into view as he rested the bundle on my chest for me to see. Through blurry tears I saw a red pinched face and dark swirls of hair. "Oh..." I murmured. She was beautiful. She was okay. My work was done. I caught sight of Derek's tear filled eyes as his hand rested on my cheek. "Ellis..." I said.

"Ellis?" Derek asked.

I couldn't articulate at that moment why I wanted to name her that. Something about being extraordinary. I just nodded instead.

"Ellis..." Derek said again, a stupid grin on his face. Then I passed out.

xxx

 **Meredith Seattle. June 2014**

I basked as the sun glinted off the water. I couldn't help but grin from ear to ear as I leaned against the railing of the ferry watching the kids and Derek play. Derek had Bailey on his shoulders and the two of them were chasing Zola. Of course they weren't allowed to run, so Derek took large exaggerated steps, making crashing noises each time his foot hit the deck.

This caused Zola to giggle in excitement as she shuffled back and forth, teasing them to dare try and tag her.

My hand fell to my abdomen and I rested it there. I found out two days ago that I was pregnant. Derek didn't know yet... because I wanted to tell him today. Here. Now. On the ferryboat, playing with the kids. This was our first day off together in forever.

"Zola, slow down sweetheart," I called out.

She nodded, but continued laughing and giggling as she played. I moved from the railing to sit on a bench. When Derek noticed, he put Bailey down and sat down beside me.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," I said. I took his hand in mine and leaned into his chest. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"What did you mean... when you said... when you said I was everything?"

"Well, I think that's pretty self explanatory isn't it?" He said.

"I mean..." I sighed, trying to think of a better way to phrase it. "What made you realize it?"

Derek shifted and let go of my hand so he could wrap his arm around my shoulders. I nestled in closer and waited patiently for his answer.

"Hm," he rumbled in that Mcdreamy way. "I... I've always wanted to change the world. Working on trials... researching cures, studying things up close really appealed to me. I wanted to find a cure for Alzheimers. For you..." He trailed off. "But..."

"But?"

"I forgot how it all started. How _we_ started. I came to Seattle originally because I was running from my marriage, from Addison, to become the new Chief of surgery. But then I met you. I fell in love, and somewhere along the way, becoming Chief wasn't the priority. I gave up a lot of my ambition because I didn't need it, I had you. You saved me. I was happy, fulfilled. _We_ were happy... and then-" he shook his head. "I got a little lost in myself, I guess." He sighed and shifted. "It's like... you know when you eat too much of a delicious meal, and you're so full you literally can't take another bite, but you want to? Well, I took another bite, and as delicious as it was... it was too much. It didn't matter what I was doing... you weren't there." He sighed, "I forgot... that we were supposed to be together. I wasn't happy, Meredith, even doing all that work, making those great advances... without you- it didn't mean anything. And I forgot about your dreams... how you wanted..."

"I wanted to be extraordinary."

"You said we could be extraordinary _together,_ and I made it about _me_ and _you_... not _us_. And you..." He sighed. "The shooting, the plane crash, even everything that happened with Zola, you were the one who fought. You never gave up, and you never let me give up either. You were everything."

I smirked. "I'm everything, huh?"

He breathed me in, "Hmm, yes."

"I was thinking about my mother..."

"Oh?" He asked.

"I think she was wrong about something."

"Oh, What?"

"Being extraordinary. Don't get me wrong, she was an extraordinary _surgeon_. But she was a terrible person most of the time. I don't want to be that Derek, if it comes down to it. I want to be a good doctor, yes. But..." I took his hand and put it on my belly. "I want to be an extraordinary _person_. And I need you to do that with me..."

Derek smiled. "Of course, Meredith."

"Especially since," I leaned in and kissed him on the lips. "I'm pregnant."

"Wh-What?" he gasped, staring at me in awe. His hand rubbed my stomach tenderly.

"Yeah," I said, looking down at his hand. "You have super sperm or something, because I never thought in a million years this would happen."

"We're having a baby." He leaned in and kissed me.

"Yes," I giggled. "See? We're extraordinary together." My arms wrapped around his neck and I pulled him into me. I was everything to him. He was everything to me. We were together. We were extraordinary.

 **North Cove. June 16 2037 Derek.**

I carefully rubbed the baby's chest. Gently I pried his mouth open, "C'mon little guy... breathe!" His face was scrunched up, as if fighting with himself, and then...

I heard something... a gasp. Followed by a weak little whimper. His color slowly changed from purple to a dark red as he breathed. "Good boy!" I called. As if on cue, he cried in short angry bursts, like he was saying, what the hell man?

Carefully, I carried him to Lynn, who was wide-eyed and tearful at the sight of her son. "Oh... Oh, I can't believe it... He's gorgeous..."

"Isn't he?," I said, smiling. He was still struggling for breath, so I handed him to a nurse, "Get him an oxygen mask," I said. "Okay, I gotta put you back together now," I said.

"But he's alright?"

I nodded, "Yes... he will be just fine."

"Okay, that's good."

"Mm," I replied as I focused on stitching her back up. How do I do this again? When I was nearly finished, I heard the thunder of chopper blades as the helicopter arrived. My heart soared. Could they take me this time? To Vancouver?

I finished my last sutures when a man in a jumpsuit arrived at the door. "We're taking you guys? He asked.

"Yes. Yes," I nodded and carefully covered Lynn up. "I just did an emergency c-section, baby is pre-term at thirty-three weeks, lungs still not fully developed, needs oxygen or a cortisone shot..." I trailed off as I pushed Lynn's gurney down the hall. Someone followed with the baby. "I'm coming with you guys, I operated on her."

"That's fine..." he gestured to a rather uncomfortable seat as his partner and a volunteer transferred Lynn to the lightweight stretcher. After I strapped in, they handed me the baby, wrapped in thick blankets, a tiny oxygen mask providing a steady stream of oxygenated air for him to breathe.

I held him, and stared at those rosy cheeks, that little wrinkled look that babies have...

 _Eight, nine, ten...eleven fingers?_

 _Uh, that's... not a finger._

 _Oh, it's boy!_

 _He's perfect, he's just perfect._

 _Do not leave his side for a second, do you hear me?_

The helicopter roared and lifted off the ground. We were airborne. I stared out the window as the tiny town of North Cove got smaller and smaller. "We're going to Vancouver right?" I asked the paramedic.

He shook his head "Huge storm over there, we've called Nanaimo General. They can take you guys."

My heart dropped and I swallowed. No... I just got her back. I looked at the little baby in my arms. "I'm gonna find her, you know I will. No matter what."

 **A/N:** Whew! Another chapter bites the dust! Many thanks to The Internet for help on C-sections. Geez you can do anything if you have google these days! Please Review!

 **Also, I will be writing a couple short christmas stories, so... if anyone has any suggestions, Any pairing, please see my profile and click on Christmas Prompts to add your thoughts. Or PM me!**


	33. So, You Still Love Me?

**A/N:** Thanks everybody for your wonderful and quick response to last chapter! Special thanks to 33dauntless33, EllieMoon, Patsy, mollyisfast, Pat, mandyg67, DarkAndTwistyGrey, Japa01, and greysfann for all the love !

 **So I've been working and working on this next update, and it's big... really big, I'm at about 7500 words already. I'm still going through editing it and everything, even as you read this, I'm working on it. Thing is... it's Christmas, and I don't want to leave you hanging off a cliff at a characters low point, which is where the chapter I'm working on ends right now, so I wanna keep writing until... well, until good stuff happens.**

 **And I'm not a writer who gets your hopes up with an update alert which turns out to be a measly 100 word author note :(. So, I'm hoping you will like this little compromise.**

 **I'm hoping to have the next update in a few days... but I'm not promising anything, because this is hard work and it takes time.**

 **So... enjoy this little MerDer. Which is still totally relevant to the story. (Takes place a couple weeks before the Tsunami) **Also M rating near the end****

 **Enjoy!**

Please note time change below:

 **Seattle Meredith, June 5 2028**

"Mer, phone's for you, it's your agent." Derek appeared in the study with the phone. He sounded... put upon.

"Oh..." I closed my book and reached for it.

As I spoke to my agent regarding my latest trip, I could only watch Derek's expression darken as he listened to my half of the conversation. I turned away and walked further into the study to look out the rain-specked window instead.

She had a whole hectic thing planned. I wrote down the details of my multiday book tour and speaking engagements as she spoke. It was a lot, but I believed in this, and I wanted to see it through to the end. If it meant showering Northeastern US medical colleges with my presence, then so be it. Finally finishing the conversation I ended the call and stepped into the hallway. Derek was there, hands on his hips, an exasperated look on his face.

"What?" I asked.

"You didn't feel the need to include your family in your plans?" he asked.

I honestly didn't. Because I thought we had an understanding. "Well, I-"

"You're going to Boston on the twelfth. That's Zola's Graduation."

"Oh." I'd forgotten about that. How did that happen? Well, I definitely wasn't going to miss that... "Well let me check my speaking time, maybe I can take a red-eye, or reschedule or something," I walked back to the study to find my post-it of scribbled dates and times.

"That's not the point!" Derek called after me , and I sighed under the weight of his expectation. I was going to fix it. How could that not be the point?

"Derek... I don't understand. I thought you were supportive of this." We'd talked, argued, and fought over my career choices these past five years, and I thought that finally he got it. Got me. Apparently not.

"I was..." he said, running a hand through his hair. "I am-"

"But?" I prompted. Wait for it now.

"We made plans Meredith. That trip to BC, Zola's Graduation, Bailey's birthday... and you practically scheduled over everything."

I didn't. Except for Zola's Grad, I planned to be there for all those things. I mean, it'd be a stretch, but- "I might be a little late for the vay-cay, but Amelia's got Bailey's party planned and I've already figured out his gift... It's just a matter of cake and presents before I take off for Hopkins," I said.

Derek scoffed and shook his head.

"What?" I asked. What did I do now? It felt like I couldn't do anything right.

"Will you be there, Meredith? Really there?"

I rubbed the bridge of my nose, a defensive posture... Now I was the absent one? "I don't know what you mean, Derek."

"You won't be on the phone, or off in la la land, or late, or stuck at some airport?" he said, citing some recent examples

Okay that stung.. "Derek-"

"Because that's what's happened this past year, you... you're missing so much, Mer, and the kids are starting to notice."

"You don't think I know that? You don't think I want to be there?" I bristled. I was trying... I was trying my best to juggle all the balls thrown at me or whatever. He of all people should understand that.

"I think... " Derek pressed his fingers into the high backed leather chair as he regarded me, "I think you've been so focused on fixing your mother that you're turning into her."

Flashes of the last coherent conversation with my mother ran through my mind. "So that's where we're going with this?" I felt her disappointed gaze through my husband's. _You're happy? You're happy now?_ She'd asked. My eyes burned. "You know what I think? I think you're jealous." I volleyed, "Because I'm working on something that you gave up. And I actually **was** successful."

"Meredith, that is a cheap shot. I gave that up because I realized that you were everything to me, and I needed you. So you're going to just throw that in my face?" he bit off angrily. Derek swallowed, and I knew I hit a sore spot. He never mentioned it... Never said a word, but I knew that it bothered him. After Ellis was born, Derek's career plateaued as he focused on teaching and the odd surgical case that required his superhuman powers. And then... I grew up, as an attending, as Chief of General, as I went back to get board certified for neuro. And the whole time, he'd been the one that the kids looked up to. Didn't he see that?

"And you're throwing the kids in my face." I growled. "You wanna know what I was thinking when I chose to do this Derek? You wanna know? I was thinking that I tested positive for the gene markers for Alzheimer's! I was thinking I didn't want to forget you and the kids! I didn't want my husband to have a wife who didn't remember him!" I was thinking about the future for once. Like he did...

"I was thinking the same thing Meredith," Derek retaliated, "I always have. It's always hanging in the back of my mind. I wanted to fix you too remember? Remember how that turned out?" He said, referring to his own trial, many years ago, that ended up with him being blacklisted by the FDA, because of my interference.

"This is not that," I sniffed. "I got us this far. We were successful." The drugs were working remarkably well. Everything had been done by the book, because this time... well it had been about millions of people, but I was one of those millions.

Derek rolled his eyes. "Of course you were. And now it's time to focus on us, me, the kids." he said, pointing at himself. "You've been traipsing around the country this past few months, and I've accepted it, because I thought the last time was the last time. Now your agent calls, and you're gone again, for how long?"

I bit my lip. Ten days, it looked like. But still, I felt... it had to be done. "Derek- People need to know-"

"No. You know what? Enough people know now. Enough. But the kids need to know that you love them and you're there for them. **I** need to know that. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm just- I..." He trailed off with a frustrated sigh.

"Derek-" I started. I wanted to fix this. I knew he was right- if he'd just give me half a chance, I would get better at the juggling thing... really.

"You make all these plans, and you don't talk to me or the kids about it- you just assume it's okay," he interrupted. "Well it's not. It's not okay anymore... You need to fix this. No more speeches. No more trips. Call your agent."

What? What was that? Laying down an ultimatum? Seriously? "Derek you don't get to-"

"I'm your husband!" He yelled, causing me to flinch. He jabbed his finger on my desk. "I get a say! I love you, and I get a fucking say in your life!" He stopped, and sucked in air like he knew he said too much. He shuddered and raked a hand through his hair.

"Derek-" I said, my throat tight. I didn't know... I didn't know he felt this way.

"Just fix it Meredith!" He said, spinning on his heels and walking away from me. "I'm... going to sleep in the trailer tonight."

I huffed and leaned against the door to the study watching him go. Slowly I slid to the floor and rested my head on my knees. I wasn't turning into my mother was I? Had I been absent? Had I been missing out on too much? I swallowed back a sob. This was the never-ending conflict of my life... Could I have it all? Could I do it all? Was I happy? Was I extraordinary? Was I a good enough mother and wife and surgeon? Or had this trial, this ambition begun to turn me into my mother?

My pager beeped. The hospital. Crap. Maybe I am turning into my mother.

The trip there was a blur, I rushed in, not even bothering to change into scrubs as I trotted to my patient's room in the ICU. She was stroking out, she was crashing.

"Get a crash cart!" I called as I tucked my hair into a ponytail and snapped on gloves. "Compressions!" I ordered my panicking intern as I watched the heart monitor for signs of a shockable rhythm. "Charge to two-hundred! Clear!"

Thump.

Two-fifty. Clear!

Thump.

We pushed Epi and Adenosine.

I charged again. Three hundred. Clear.

Thump.

Flat-line.

Compressions. I straddled her. Heather Mclean. That was her name. A wonderful lady, a great mother. A supportive wife of her workaholic husband. "Come on..." One-two-three-four... Now her life was in my hands. "Come on," I pumped. Her surgery had been a twelve-hour affair. A work of art as I masterfully resected her brain tumor. I'd gotten all of it... But- It was a big tumor. A long surgery, and she wasn't the healthiest to begin with. The flat-line continued, the noise more of a ringing in my ears now. "Come on..." One-two-three-four- I kept going. She couldn't die. She couldn't. Because that would mean-

"Dr. Grey."

I shook my head. I wasn't going to give up. I didn't do this all for nothing. I didn't recommend this surgery for her to die so soon. She does not get to die.

"Dr. Grey."

"No," the bones of her ribs grated against each other as I'd broken them by now. I continued compressions. She had to live. She had to fight.

"Mer!" Alex called but I ignored him.

I felt arms on my shoulders and I was pulled away. "No!" I struggled against whoever it was.

"Time of death, 12:04 am." Alex said slowly, still holding me.

"I..." I failed. I couldn't even do this. I couldn't even keep her alive.

"Mer," Alex said into my ear. "You did everything you could."

"It's not enough. It's never enough." _I'm_ never enough, I thought as I backed away.

 _xxx_

I was a mess as I drove home. Tears pricked at the corners of eyes, and my heart pounded as I swallowed back down the lump in my throat. I gripped the steering wheel harder. My thoughts twisted and turned with the road.

You... You're everything. I heard Derek say... but somehow I lost the meaning of it.

 _We can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart._

 _You make all these plans and you don't talk to me about it. You just assume-_

 _Not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life!_

 _You just dive in and don't care how deep the water is?_

 _It's complicated. It's complicated because there's a drug in a box that can save people-_

 _I gave that up because I realized that you were everything-_

 _I think you're so focused on fixing your mother that you're turning into her._

I turned the corner when a sudden movement caught my eye. A deer. "Shit!" I slammed on the brakes, stopping mere centimeters in front of it. My hands shook. My teeth chattered. Nausea rumbled in my stomach. I almost hit a deer. I almost... I-

The deer stared at me, eyes shining with the reflection of my headlights, and in two leaps it was gone.

I shifted the gear into park and put the hazard lights on. I was only a half mile from the house, but I couldn't bring myself to drive any further. I turned the ignition off and stepped out of the car. It was raining but for all intents and purposes, I didn't care.

When I got to the house, I fumbled for my keys, but then realized in my haste, I'd forgotten them in the car. I turned the knob, thinking... maybe someone left it open. But it was solidly locked. I sighed and pressed my forehead against the door. It offered no comfort. I was cold and soaking wet. I didn't want to wake up the kids. I didn't want to go back to the car.

My gaze drifted to the trailer. No. No, we'd just fight. That was the only thing I was good at. The fighting thing. Oh and killing my patients? Check. Failing to be a good mother? Check. Not supporting my husband? Checkity check.

Thunder cracked. The rain, once a mild downpour came fast and hard.

Crap.

I shivered, tucked my palms under my armpits and trudged over to the trailer. I bit my lip as I rapped hard on the door, the metal stinging my cold knuckles. My heart ached as I imagined him ripping the door open, "Well?" He'd ask, "Did you fix it?"

Nothing. The lights remained dark inside. I sniffed and wiped water off my face before knocking again. He was here wasn't he? I didn't see his car in the driveway, but he usually kept it in the garage.

Faint noise could be heard inside. A light came on and a shadow breezed by the window. The door swung open and Derek stood there, shirtless, a confused expression on his face, "Meredith?" he asked, his eyes softening as he saw my sorry soppy state.

"Derek...I-" I didn't know what to say.I hadn't thought that far. I was just... tired and wet.

"You're soaking wet," he pulled me inside.

I stood in the entrance of the trailer. The door rattled shut behind me, and I just stood there.

Derek was in the bedroom, reaching into one of the cubbies where we kept spare blankets.

"I..." I said again, preparing to defend against another attack. I tried to think of something to say. The only thing I wanted to say was _I Love You._ But I couldn't bring myself to say it because I just wanted him to say 'I love you' back to me.

"Shhh" he said, bringing the blanket over. "God, how long were you out there? You're soaked right through." His eyes glistened with concern, and I looked down at my boots in shame.

I didn't want to tell him about the deer, or that I left the car in the middle of the road, or that I lost a patient. I didn't want to tell him I was a screw-up. So I stood there, gaping, shivering I just... felt so... small and ordinary. Derek pulled my jacket off and I let him. Then my blouse. He guided me to the couch and wrenched off my boots. His fingers tickled my ankles as he tugged on my pant legs. I leaned back as he snapped my pants off. I couldn't stop shivering.

"Jesus," Derek said, wrapping the blanket around my tiny body. It was warm and soft and I gathered the ends and pulled them tight around me. He sat down and kissed my head, wrapping his arm around my shoulders."What were you thinking...?" He murmured, his voice rumbling through my hair.

"I..." My mind was blank. I had no response. It was Meredith impulsive.

"Shh... it's okay. You don't have to say anything." Derek just held me and I let him. Even though we had a fight... he seemed to know something else was going on.

I was so tired. I let out a few shaky breaths. "I'm not my mother." I rasped finally. It was the only thing I felt I could say that was honest.

"I know. I'm sorry I said that," Derek said. He could say some cutthroat things... but I'd learned that he wore his heart on his sleeve, and in a fight the things he said were more reflections of his own hurt and desire to protect himself than to hurt anybody else.

"No... I mean... am I enough?"

"What?"

"Will I ever be enough Derek? I keep screwing it up." I said, trying not to let my voice break.

"What? Meredith, no... that's-" He sounded shocked and confused, but I continued on the train of thought

"I'm trying to be all these things... and I can't do it. If I'm good at one thing, I fail at the other. Find a treatment for Alzheimers, fight with my husband. Focus on family, kill my patients. Be an excellent surgeon, ignore family... What's the formula?"

He sighed. His fingertips brushed through my hair. His eyes gleamed with so much... apology. "I was a dick, I'm sorry." He said softly.

"I'm sorry too. You were right... I threw the past in your face, and you didn't deserve that."

Derek nodded, accepting my apology. "And you don't deserve an ultimatum," he said.

"But I still want to fix it. I'll call my agent, we can figure this out..." I turned in my warm cocoon blanket to look up at him. He was still Mcdreamy.

"Okay." He replied, smiling. His palm rested on my bare knee.

"So you still love me?" I asked, suddenly realizing again that he was shirtless. I put my hand on top of his.

"Of course. I'll always love you," he said, staring at my lips. He stroked my thumb with his own, and leaned in closer to me.

"I almost hit a deer," I blurted. Crap.

'What?" Derek pulled away, blinked with confusion.

"I lost a patient and I almost hit a deer and I decided to leave the Lexus in the middle of the road and walk here in the rain only to find out I forgot my keys." I said in one breath. There. I said it. This is Meredith Grey take or leave. "You **still** love me?"

He sighed, blinked and caressed my cheek before kissing me on the lips. "I still love you."

My heart warmed with an exquisite feeling and almost burst with love. "I still love you too," I murmured as I returned the kiss.

"Hmm." He sighed. That lovely Mcdreamy sigh that said, _I want to get lost in you._ I missed that sigh. My lips traveled from his lips, to his stubbled cheek, down his jawline, to his neck.

I felt warm presses down my neck, his soft breaths against me. My skin flushed involuntarily.

"You're still cold," he said, pulling me closer so we were skin on skin. He was warm, no- hot- like a furnace. No wonder he was shirtless.

"Shower?" I asked. Why not? I was already half naked and soaked.

"Hm, yes." He said, rising from the couch. He led me there, I trailed after him, still wrapped in my blanket. He reached in and turned the water on, letting it come to temperature.

I stared at his chest for a second and he smirked.

"What?"

"Nothing," He said as he pulled off his pajama pants. His eyes glinted.

I let the blanket drop to the floor and stripped my socks off. Now he stared at _my_ chest. "Like what you see?" I flirted shamelessly.

"Mmm, yes," his lips curled upwards, the way one would smile when presented with a favorite meal. I leaned into him, kissing him as he unhooked my bra. We continued kissing, even as my hands slid down his sides and stopped at the elastic band of his briefs. I pulled my bra off completely before hooking my thumbs on the elastic and tugging down as he stepped out of them. A second later, I kicked off my underwear and we were in the shower.

The water temperature was perfect. Warm, but not scalding. I basked in it. It felt like... I'd been cold for far too long. And Derek's chest was the perfect heating pad.I turned my face to the showerhead and let the water run down my cheeks, neck and shoulders. Derek stood behind me, caressing me, kissing me, loving me in all the right ways.

How did I miss this?

I heard the sound of a shampoo bottle open and close, and the smell of lavender filled the humid air as my husband lathered my hair. He massaged my scalp, his fingers gentle but firm as they slid through my hair.

"Ohh." I moaned. That felt so nice. The tension of the day was slowly melting off.

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed a line down my shoulder. I took his hands and slid them up, under my breasts. My hands over his, he circled my nipples with his thumbs. The caressing continued, and I craned my neck to meet his lips for another languid kiss.

"Hmm," he rumbled as I ground against him. I felt him get harder between my thighs and felt my body thrum with excitement.

He seemed to sense that and pressed one palm flat against my abdomen, while the other cupped my breast while his nimble fingers teased my nipple.

"Derek!" I gasped in pleasure.

He chuckled and his hand roamed lower, lower. My hips bucked to meet him and he cupped me. That touch. The way he could touch me and... Just take away... Strip my walls, my fears. The way the world stopped, and it was just him and I. What we made together. Nothing else mattered.

Nothing else should matter.

His deft fingers weaved through my light curls and pushed between my folds. I inhaled in anticipation. My skin prickled, every sense was magnified, every touch caused me to gasp as his fingers explored and teased. "Mmm" I whimpered. He pressed me closer to him and I ground my buttocks against his growing erection.

Then I reached back and stroked him. I let my fingers play along his shaft even as he rubbed against me.

"Oh, Meredith," he said, and it broke my heart.

How had I forgotten that he needed me too?

"Derek," I said. Panted.

His hands left me for a moment as he shifted himself in between my thighs.

He plunged in.

"Huuuh," I gasped. I scrabbled for purchase along the shower wall. I found Derek's hand and squeezed it as he rocked me.

Like waves rolling into shore we crested and receded, ebbed and flowed.

Derek shuddered inside me. His whole body quivered as he climaxed. His heartbeat hammered so hard, I could feel it against my back. I reached around and pulled him to me, inviting his lips to mine.

As we kissed, his fingers were inside me, softly stroking, petting, pressing. The tension released in me like a spring and I embraced the momentary loss of control as my body flushed with pleasure. My limbs were jelly. I pulled Derek down with me and collapsed in his arms.

Neither of us moved for a long time.

You see, this was the best part for me. The After. It never lasted long, but I relished it. Derek stroked my hair, I made small lazy circles on his chest.

"You're enough." Derek whispered.

"Huh?" I squeaked.

"I didn't realize it before..." he said. "You have all these doubts. You shouldn't. I love you and... " he kissed my cheek, my lips. "You're enough. You're more than enough."

I sighed. "I love you."

"I love you. I'll always love you."

xxx

Thanks and Merry Christmas!


	34. Stay There Don't Move Wait For Me

**A/N:** Thanks everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and Boxing day. Here we go!

And hey... if you've been reading and have enjoyed it, or have a comment or question, I would love to hear from you! Especially if you are another writer, I'd love to hear your perspective!

I was going to just skip ahead a few months in time... but- you guys wanted to see Derek try to be a knight in shining whatever. Will it work? I don't know...

 **Vancouver, June 17 2037 Meredith.**

I woke to Cristina's bruised face staring at me. I sighed as she blinked and rubbed her eyes wearily. "You look like crap," she said.

"I look better than you..." I managed to say with a ghost of a smile. My person rolled her eyes at me. I felt tired, sore all over and very confused, like my brain went through a blender. Everything was so mixed up. What the hell happened to her face? What happened to me? I vaguely recalled being visited by a nurse... but- I didn't know- I couldn't remember the last thing that happened, where I'd been, what I'd done... I remembered driving... or being driven? And wind... and rain. I squeezed Cristina's hand. "What happened?" I asked.

"We hit a deer," she said slowly. "We're at Vancouver General Hospital."

"Oh." I swallowed thickly and clutched my hospital gown. Wait, Vancouver? What the hell were we doing in freaking Vancouver? "We're not in Seattle?" I asked.

"No, we went to North Cove." Cristina said simply. "You caught a fish."

That made no sense. Meredith Grey does not fish. Has never fished... but- wait... an image of a boat and a grizzled old man came to mind. "I caught a fish?" How drunk was I? And what the hell had I been drinking? Derek would- he would- But thoughts of Derek felt very far away. He felt so far away... and I didn't know why. Nothing felt right. My body didn't feel right. I couldn't connect the dots in my mind, and even as I tried, I couldn't make sense of the picture it was making. Since when did I fish? "I want to go home..." I said. Home. Home would make sense.

Cristina sighed. "You had a VATS surgery Mer, you'll be here overnight at least," she explained.

"VATS..." A video assisted thoracoscopic surgery. Although it was minimally invasive, it meant something seriously wrong happened. "I had thoracoscopic surgery?" Anything with the prefix _thora_ was bad news.

"You had a cardiac tamponade. They performed a pericardial window operation." She explained.

Bad news. Bad, bad news. "Oh." I swallowed and stared up at the ceiling. A tamponade? I could've- I would've died. I wanted to cry but I didn't. Cristina and I didn't cry.

"Zola and Ellis are coming up," Cristina offered, leaning in closer to the bed. "They'll be here in a few hours."

"Okay..." I whispered, grateful but fearful for them at the same time. I didn't want them to see me like this. "Derek? He'll be here, right?" I asked. I needed him. He could take me home.

"Mer?" Cristina asked, looking at me with a strangely sad expression.

What was wrong? Why did she have that look? "Is he coming? Where is he?" I asked, worried. Oh God... did something happen to him? Was he in the crash too? Why did she look like that?

"He's... yeah, Mer, he'll be here soon too." Cristina said, stroking my arm to reassure me.

"Okay," I breathed. He was coming... he was going to come and take me home, from... where was I again? I sighed deeply. It didn't matter. Derek was coming... "Okay, good," I said.

"You should get some rest," she said gently.

I blinked slowly, I did feel quite tired and achey. But I didn't want to sleep just yet. I regarded my person. Really looked at her. She looked so old and worn, Since when did she have that much grey hair? Her beautiful expressive face was marred with a red airbag burn, and she had a six centimeter cut on the top of her hairline, held closed by black stitches."You look like crap," I said.

"Just... sleep, Mer." She leaned over on my bed and crossed her arms to make a pillow for her head.

I closed my eyes, breathed deeply, and called upon the REM waves to take me away. But- Derek's concerned gaze flashed under my eyelids. I was in a crash... I hit a deer... I screwed up. "Cristina?"

"Yeah?" she whispered. She sounded about as tired as I did.

"When you see him, if you see him before I do, can you tell him I'm sorry?"

"For what?"

I recalled harsh words, yelling, stomping away. "We had a fight... and- I'm just... I'm sorry."

"Okay," she said.

"Thanks," I breathed, before I fell asleep.

xxx

 **June 17 2037 Derek. Nanaimo**

I'd been to Nanaimo hospital several times before, but this time I felt so strange being there. I felt like... I didn't belong here. It was too small. The hallways too narrow, the technology too out of date. There should be more floors, more doctors, more people.

I paced in the hallway at the entrance to the maternity ward. I'd only arrived with Lynn and the baby an hour ago, but the doctors had deemed the baby healthy for his size, and although Lynn might need a few days in hospital to recover from her surgery, she seemed okay, barring any infections. The doctors were checking her over, checking my work. I stared at my hands, unable to comprehend how I'd been able to do what I'd done. It was all a blur. Finally, I sighed and sat down, the day's events had nearly exhausted me. I closed my eyes. My mind drifted.

 _I stood in a strange room. A room with windows that looked down onto another room. OR Gallery... the term just came to me. Beside me, there was a couple rows of chairs. At the far end, I saw a flash of blonde hair and pale blue scrubs.. There she was, one knee tucked into her chest as she peered down below._

" _Hi," I said. "I can't get you out of my mind you know..." my lips quirked upward as I approached. Something about her... just being in her vicinity caused my pulse to quicken, my skin to flush.  
_

" _I **am** your mind," she said, but her eyes danced flirtatiously._

" _Hmm," I said, I walked over and sat down beside her, following her gaze to the room below. "What's happening down there?" I asked._

" _An operation," She replied. I noticed that she had been jotting down notes._

" _Oh," I said. "On who?"_

" _You." She smiled._

" _Me?"_

 _Putting the book down, she stood up, walked to the window and put her hands on the glass. I hesitated, unsure of what I wanted to see before I pushed myself out of the chair to stand beside her. In the reflection of the glass, I saw myself. Younger. Shaved. My hair darker and wilder. I wore dark blue scrubs and a white labcoat. Beyond my own reflection, was the operating table. The current version of myself lay there, at a forty-five degree angle, intubated. A surgeon obscured by a surgical mask, glasses, and a ferryboat scrubcap tinkered with delicate instruments in my brain._ " _Penfield four," he said, holding out his hand. The surgeon beside him looked up at me briefly and I saw a flash of sparkling grey-green eyes before she looked away and handed the man his tool. Except..._

" _Wait... I'm operating on myself?" I asked._

" _So it seems," My subconscious replied, running a finger over her lips and twisting her torso side to side._

 _What did this mean? Am I getting better? Am I getting my memories back? But most intriguing was the woman beside the surgeon... It was her._ _"What are you trying to tell me?" I asked, nodding down below._

" _I think it's pretty obvious," she said._

 _I shook my head. It wasn't obvious to me._

 _The woman that represented my subconscious stepped close to me, reached up around my neck and straightened the collar of my labcoat_ " _She's waiting for you," she said.  
_

"Hey," A familiar voice called, and I looked up to see Mark walking toward me.

"Hey." I replied, glad to see my friend."How-"

"Chuck called me," he said.

"Oh," a relieved sigh escaped my lips. It was good someone else was here for Lynn.

"You okay?" Mark asked, a weird look of concern on his face.

I shook my head, "I..." My brain was on fire. I was still reeling from shock. There was so much happening in my mind, my heart-

"Hi," another voice called, a nurse. "You can go see them now."

"They're okay?" I asked.

"Mother and son are doing great," she answered, smiling.

The crushing anxiety in my heart slipped away, replaced with relief and excitement at the prospect of seeing them happy and healthy.

 _It's a beautiful day to save lives._

I rushed to Lynn's room, Mark trailing behind me. Kids weren't really his thing. I beamed when I reached the entrance. There she was, smiling ear to ear at the blue bundle she clutched to her chest. A tiny arm snaked out, as if to say, 'Here I am!'

She was okay. The C-section I performed was successful. Everything was good."Hey," I said, knocking lightly on the door. "I um. I just-" I gaped.

Lynn smiled tiredly. "Hey," she nodded, inviting me in. The baby squawked, and Charlie picked him up in his big burly arms.

Stepping into the room, my gaze rested on the red-faced baby. "He's beautiful." I said, walking over to get a closer look.

 _He's perfect._

"Christopher," Lynn said.

"Yes?" I asked, without looking up. The baby blinked, the world was a much bigger place for him now. Somehow, I felt the same way. I tickled his cheek and he grabbed my finger haphazardly.

"No," Lynn laughed. "We're _naming him_ Christoper."

Sudden pride erupted in me. She was naming him after me? I didn't realize... "Ah. I'm- honoured." I said, flabbergasted. Charlie offered him to me to hold, and I took him gently. "Hey there little man," I murmured, shifting him in my arms, amazed at how easy it felt, how natural. Like I'd done it before. "You are a fighter, aren't you? Just like your mom..." He squirmed a little in my arms. "Oh, you're a rascal too..." Little Christopher just gazed at me through slitted eyes and drooled.

"Now, give him a kiss, and then you have to go." Lynn said.

Her words threw me off guard, "Wh-what?" I asked, confused.

But she was smilng, "You know those movies... like the chick flick ones?" she asked.

I nodded, but was still confused.

"You know... something stupid happens and the couple breaks up or they can't be together or something forces them apart?"

"Yeaah..." I trailed off. What was she getting at?

"Well... in those movies, right near the end, when everything seems lost, the guy always has to go after the girl," Lynn continued.

"Okaaay..." I said again. She was trying to tell me something, but not succeeding because my brain was working at a snail's pace.

"You have to go Chris." Lynn said forcefully. "You have to find her, be the knight in shining armour. I'll be fine. I'm okay."

 _You're not my knight in shining whatever..._

 _But I am._

I blinked at my friend. How did she know? But it didn't matter, I knew I had to go. It was just- "I... I don't even know what her name is..."

Lynn shook her head, not accepting that, because she knew me. Knew I needed a little push sometimes. A little point in the right direction. "You have to try, Chris. You have to see this through to the end."

"Yeah." I stroked little Christopher's dark brown curl and smiled down at him. "He's..." I couldn't think of any other words, so I just handed him back to Charlie, kissing his forehead and inhaling his sweet baby scent. "Okay," I nodded at them both and headed out the door.

"I hope you find her..." she called after me, but I was halfway gone already..

I had to go after the girl.

xxx

I hopped in a cab at the hospital, ignoring the rain, and ordered the cabbie to take me to the ferry, but as we neared, large flashing signs indicated that the ferry was temporarily closed due to weather.

Dammit.

I paced in the rain, what to do now? The wind howled, the rain blew against me. I looked out at the shoreline, and then I knew what to do. My sailboat. It wasn't far from here. Stored at the end of the docks. I glanced up at the angry skies. It was risky... but- I was being pulled by this force... I couldn't stop. I was desperate and lonely and... deprived of a life that seemed to be at the other side of this canal.

Now was the time.

My toes twitched in my cross-trainers. My knees jerked, my breath hitched... and then I was running down the shoreline, toward my boat. The rain pummeled my face with cold angry blobs. I didn't care. I could feel the wet seeping through my fleece jacket, water soaked through my right foot where I knew there was a little hole in my shoe. But I kept going. My feet slapped through puddles and pounded concrete. I had to get to the dock, to the boat. I couldn't waste another minute. She was waiting for me.

 _We're just gonna take a day and... ride the ferryboat. All day if we want._

I arrived at the enclosure where my boat was stored, but swore when I saw the padlock. Dammit. I didn't have my key. "Fuck!" I swore, pulling uselessly at the cold metal. Wait, there was a spare around here... I rooted around, finding it in a crevice that I'd nearly forgotten about. My fingers shook as I unlocked the padlock, releasing the door. I pulled the double doors open and rushed to my boat.

Chest heaving for breath, I unraveled the ropes that secured Ellis. I pushed it out of the enclave before I jumped in. For a second, I paused, the enormity of what I was about to do started to lay upon me. I took a deep breath. I could do this. In a small cubby was a waterproof rainjacket and life vest. I put them on, raised the sails and faced the horizon. I had to go to her...

 _In order to kiss you the way I want to kiss you... In order to do more than kiss you..._

 _Stay there._

 _Don't move._

 _Wait for me._

xxx

 **Vancouver June 2037 Ellis**

"C'mon, c'mon." I jabbed the elevator button. I'd been the first to answer the call from Cristina.

 _"Hello?" I'd answered the phone hesitatingly. It came from an unknown caller with a 604 area code. That was BC right? I wondered if mom lost her phone._

 _"Ellis..." the person said, the voice sounded vaguely familiar._

 _"Sorry who is this?" I asked. Confused. Worried. Scared._

 _The person cleared her throat. "Ellis, it's me, Cristina."_

 _Crap. This couldn't be good. Cristina has never called me. "Cristina? Why the hell are you calling me?"_

 _"I couldn't get a hold of Zola, she must be working."_

 _"She's pulling an all-nighter at the clinic." I said. "What's going on?"_

 _"Listen..." she said slowly, "There's been an accident."_

 _My heart dropped in my chest._

Zola was on her way. Unfortunately we had to be split up because the tickets were last minute. She was a couple hours behind me. I hustled to the ICU desk. A stern nurse gave me the evil eye over the high counter. "Umm" I stammered. "My mom... my mom was admitted. Meredith Grey?"

She raised an eyebrow and looked me over once. "Come with me." she said. I tucked my arms around myself. Hating that this had happened, hating that I was alone in this right now. I swallowed thickly as the nurse swiped her card and led me through the ICU.

"Is she going to be okay? What happened?" I asked.

She sighed wearily. I read her name tag, it said 'Patricia.' I supposed she probably dealt with this a lot, and maybe this had been a long day for her. But still, my mom was a patient, and I was a loved one, she could show a little empathy. "She had fluid build up around her heart, we had to drain it and then perform a surgery to fix the tissue around her pericardium so it wouldn't happen again." Patricia said.

"Oh," I said, although I grew up with doctor parents, her medical jargon didn't make sense to me. "She's okay then?"

"She's better. We're going to move her out of the ICU in a few hours. We're just waiting for all the fluid from her chest tubes to drain." We stopped in front of a room outlined by glass.

"Oh." I said. I turned to look into the room. The lights were dim. Mom lay in the bed, looking uncomfortable even as she slept. IV's and tubes snaked around her, and a heart monitor beeped steadily on above the bed.

"Go on," Patricia said, "it's alright. A nurse will be by in a few minutes to check on her."

"Okay..." I said before nervously entering the room.

Patricia nodded and backed away, returning to her hawk-like vigil.

I walked soundlessly, my converse sneakers not even squeaking on the floor. "Mom?" I asked quietly.

She didn't stir.

I pulled a big heavy chair over to the bed and sat down. Picking up her hand, I tried to warm it in my own. I lined up my fingers with hers. We had the same kind of hands, long and thin and graceful."I'm here mom, it's okay." After a moment, she sighed and shifted in the bed. "Mom?"

She blinked sleepily at me and winced.

"Hey," I said again, smiling. Relief sank into me. She was gonna be okay, she'd be just fine. "It's me..." I continued. "Zola's on her way... I haven't seen Cristina yet, but she's fine, she said so on the phone..." I rambled, looking down at my mother.

Suddenly she pulled her hand away from mine. She stared at me like one would stare at on old schoolmate you hadn't seen since elementary. Like, _I know you from somewhere... there's something familiar about you... but... I just can't place it._ "Who?" she rasped, "who are you again?"

My heart broke. She didn't recognize me. How? What happened that she lost me now? I swallowed. "Mom, it's me... your daughter. Ellis." I said weakly.

She scrunched her face in confusion. "What? I-"

"Mom..." I sighed, pleaded.

She shook her head. "I'm sorry... I- I don't... I just want to go home. Can you call my husband? Something happened, I don't really remember... I want to go home." She avoided my gaze, choosing to stare at the ceiling.

"I know," I managed to say, forcing myself to play along. I lifted my hand up to stroke her hair, but stopped halfway, dropping it in my lap. "You will soon okay?"

Mom nodded. Slowly her eyelids drifted closed, and she slept.

"Ellis," I whispered after I was sure she was asleep. "My name is Ellis." _I'm your daughter,_ I wanted to say, but I couldn't.

A nurse came in, acknowledging me with a nod and went about her business, carefully checking the monitors and drains and recording everything on a tablet.

"She's going to be okay, right?" I asked.

"She's doing very well right now," The nurse said confidently. "All her vitals are stable."

"That's good." I said.

"Are _you_ okay?" the nurse asked.

"She didn't remember me." I managed to blurt out, oddly grateful that someone seemed to care about me, even for a moment. "I mean... I don't know. She has Alzheimers, had to happen sometime right?"

"Oh..." The nurse said, her eyebrows turning up in a sympathetic expression. She rested the tablet on the foot of the bed and I felt a reassuring touch on my shoulder. "A lot has happened, it's normal for patients to be confused, even it they don't have Alzheimers. Give it time."

Give it time. "Okay." I replied. I looked down at her hand and sighed, my heart heavy. My world was flipping... but- so was hers. I rested my hand on top of my mother's once more.

xxx

 **Derek Same time. Halfway between Nanaimo and Vancouver.  
**

The waves were choppy and rough as I manhandled the sails. It was getting harder and harder to move forward. I struggled as the wind throttled me again. I'd almost fallen twice now, but I gripped the lines and continued on. I noticed I was taking on water. How far was the shore? A mile, maybe two, it was hard to judge in the rain.

"C'mon" I muttered.

The wind, my nemesis, howled and whipped around me, . My limbs ached and burned from cold and exertion, but it was the only way. No going back now.

I zig-zagged through the water.

 _You can do this.._ I could do this.

My mind drifted.

" _When I drowned, when I was in the water... It was different for you than it was for me... Something happened to me... and I just feel different... I wanna be better at everything, and I wanna let you in, I swear. Just... now is not the time to give up on me, okay?"_

A sudden change in wind direction caused me to jolt to attention. I scrabbled for balance as the whole boat tilted, I pushed my legs out and leaned back, trying to change the sail direction to a new vector. Was the shore closer? It was hard to tell now, the wind pelted my eyelids with nail-like rain. But then I could see the harbor, the docked boats a white blur on the angry dark water. City lights shone in the distance.

I plowed on. Cold, wet, shivering, but pushing forward.

 _Wait for me._

The wind died down. I was running out of power. But I didn't need anymore, I was only meters from shore. I had arrived.

xxx

 **Meredith Vancouver. Same time.**

"Miss Grey? Meredith?"

I blinked awake and shifted at the mention of my name. My chest ached and burned, I felt tired, and there was pricking in all kinds of places, all over.

A pair of unfamiliar blue eyes peered at me. A man. He wore a white labcoat, and appeared several years older than me as evidenced by the few thin wrinkles that lined his face and the greyish white beard that around his jaw. He had that 'air' about him though, that screamed 'doctor.' "My name is Dr. Burns, I'm the Cardiologist assigned to your case. You're in good hands. How are you feeling?" he asked gently.

"Like shit." I blurted. My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. I couldn't connect A to B. I was in a hospital, that was evident. But which hospital? And how did I get here? And what was wrong with me? And... just cotton, everywhere.

"Well, Everything looks good from your surgery-" he said. What was his name again? Brown?

"Surgery?" I asked, perplexed. I had surgery? How did that happen? What was wrong? I brought my hand to my chest protectively as I tried to remember... did I have a heart attack? Or wait... I was driving... or-

Dr. What's-His-Face interrupted my thoughts, "We performed a pericardial window procedure on you after you suffered a cardiac tamponade during your accident."

I felt my eyes water. Pericardial window? Cardiac tamponade? Accident? Why didn't I remember? My throat ached from the lump forming in it. My heart thumped with fear. "Where's Derek? Is he okay? I-" Nobody's mentioned him... I don't remember him being there. Or do I? Was he there? I feel like he was... But then I don't know why I don't remember. Why can't I remember what happened? Did I have a brain bleed? Is that why I can't...

Everything was so hard. Nothing about this place was familiar. I wanted Derek, or Cristina. Or even freaking Alex.

"I'm sorry," the man said, "I don't know who you mean."

"My husband!" I seethed painfully. "Is he okay? What happened to him?."

"Miss Grey, only you and your friend were admitted." He said carefully. "But your daughter is out in the hall if you want to see her."

My daughter? Zola? But she's just a baby... I shook my head.

"Okay then," he said. "You have a couple tubes inserted in you that we're going to remove so we can get you up and about, alright?"

I looked down at myself. That was the pricking I felt. I whimpered. "Where am I?" I asked.

"You're at Vancouver General Hospital." The man in the white coat said.

"Vancouver?" I asked. What the hell was I doing in Vancouver? I shook my head, this was some sort of joke right? "No... no, _w_ _here_ am I?"

"Miss Grey, would you like us to get your daughter? Perhaps you'll feel better if you talk to her?"

I shook my head. Why would I want Zola in here? The nurse whispered into the man's ear and he nodded.

"Miss Grey-"

"It's _Dr._ Grey!" I snapped. I didn't know why I felt so agitated. It was like I couldn't control myself. But at the same time I didn't care. I wasn't going to admit how scared I was.

"Dr. Grey," he said as he sat down on the edge of the bed, "I know you're scared and confused. You have Alzheimers, and you were in an accident." He said slowly, trying to gauge my reaction.

What? Alzheimer's? I flinched as a nurse I never noticed seemed to pop out of nowhere to adjust my bed.

 _Meredith? What's going on? When did you get back from Europe?_

 _I want to go home, Meredith, I need to go home._

 _You are home. I went to Europe, five years ago. You got sick. You have Alzheimers. This is your home. You live here now._

"Dr. Grey?" the man asked, but I was spacing out already... how could I have Alzheimers?

"No..." I managed to say. This was a trick. But then... I couldn't recall... everything was so jumbled up. I saw Derek and Cristina and Alex and faces and places I couldn't put names to. Experiences, feelings, things I didn't recognize. I saw Zola, but she was older than I remembered, "I-I how...?" I asked, confused.

"Dr, Grey I realize this is very traumatic and scary for you," the man said.

No shit, Sherlock. I didn't want to believe him... I felt like I was in a strange dreamland.

"But _right now,_ we want to help you feel a little more comfortable, and to do that, we need to remove your chest tubes. Is that okay?"

I looked down at myself, at the tubes, my I.V, the beeping heart monitor at the side of my bed. I _was_ uncomfortable. I sighed, "Okay." I muttered.

"Okay," He said, standing up from the bed. He nodded to the nurse and snapped on some sterile gloves. "I'm going to remove the first tube. I need you to take a deep breath, and hold it for me please."

"Okay," I said. The bed was pushed upwards slightly. I felt cool air on my bare skin as my gown was lifted. The removal was quick and efficient, it burned, but I felt enormous relief in my chest now it was gone. Then they moved to the second tube in my pericardium. "Are you ready? you'll have some discomfort- " the nurse said.

"That's what-" I started to reply, but then- "Owww!" I hissed as I felt the literal tug of my heart as they removed the tube that was draining fluid from my pericardium. I panted and squeezed the mattress. Fuck that hurt.

They removed my catheter, and the pump for my pca was detached after the nurse squeezed a couple more doses in me

"We're going to take you down for a chest X-ray next alright? So you can just lie back and relax..."

But I didn't want a chest x-ray. I didn't want to go _anywhere._ I didn't even know where I was. "I want Derek. Or Cristina. Where's Cristina?" I asked, suddenly worried for her and not knowing why.

"I'm sorry, your friend is having a test done, it will be awhile before you can see her." The nurse said. That worried me even more, she was having tests done? Why, what happened? God, I hated this. What was wrong with me? I could not possibly have Alzheimers could I?

They started to detach things from the wall, the bed moved. But I wanted to stay here. "No, don't move me," I said. But the bed was moving. I was moving. The nurse flipped the bed rails up and I clutched at them, trying to push them down again. I just wanted to stay here, and wait... for Cristina. Because I needed her, I needed my person. My world was flipping and I was freaking out and I couldn't- I couldn't-

"Miss Grey, you need to calm down-"

I ignored her, leaning over the railing, despite the pain. "Please..." I begged as I kicked off my blankets and tried again to push down the rail.

"Miss Grey you need to calm down or we'll _restrain_ you "

"Mom?" another voice said and I looked up. A young woman had rushed to my bedside, her wavy curly hair and deep blue eyes reminded me of Derek, which only caused me to panic again. I gaped at her for a second before turning my attention back to the nurse. "I'm not going anywhere!" I yelled. I didn't know why I felt this way. I just felt this overwhelming need to fight them. Resist. I couldn't explain it. Why couldn't they just let me be?

"Mom..." That woman said again, taking my hand, she tried to look me in the eye.

Why was she calling me mom? She was way too old to be my daughter. "I don't know who the hell you think you are, but stay away from me!" I wrenched myself from her grasp and stared at her coldly.

"Mom!" she whimpered before backing away, tears in her eyes.

A nurse grabbed my arm. "What are you doing?" I asked, recognizing the restraint she was attempting to slide over my wrist. "No, let me go..." I wrestled with her, with the railing. Somehow my fist connected with something and someone fell. In the commotion the bed railing came down. I seized my chance and pushed myself off the bed, running barefoot down the hall into an open elevator. The doors closed as I turned and I barely caught a glimpse of the orderlies as they rushed after me.

I grinned like the cheschire cat. They couldn't catch me.

But then...

What the hell do I do now?

xxx

 **Derek. Vancouver General hospital. A few minutes before...  
**

I stood at the main entrance, unsure of what to do or say. It was late, visiting hours were long over... I was soaked like a drowned rat... and I didn't even know her name.

"Sir?" The clerk said, looking up at my lost expression.

"Umm... hi," I said. I smiled, hoping a little charm could work in this situation. "You're going think I'm crazy, but... "

She smiled helpfully. Good, it was working.

"I'm with search and rescue," I continued, "There was an accident in North Cove and two people were flown in... Um, one of them, her name was Cristina... and her friend. I never got her name, I just want to see if they're all right." I tilted my head slightly and smiled again, making sure to keep the concerned look in my gaze.

I had to find her.

The clerk regarded me seriously. "Well," she said, "Unless you're family, I can't really give you too much information..." she trailed off as she tapped on her computer. "However, I do know that _one_ of those patients had a surgery... and people with _those_ types of surgeries usually recover in unit 42 on the fourth floor."

Relief flooded in me... she was okay. She should be fine. "Thank you," I breathed. If I could just see her, talk to her... even for a moment. I knew she knew me. She had to... That kiss- If a picture was a thousand words, that kiss was like a million. She had to know me. No one would just say 'kiss me,' to a stranger, right? Maybe she was an old girlfriend or something. I got on the elevator and hit the 4 button. The elevator hummed and pulled up, but stopped on the second floor to pick someone up.

Movement caught my attention and I glanced over.

The woman from the accident. She was running down the hall. What?

"Stop! Wait!" I called out, but she didn't seem to hear me. "Wait!" I strode after her, she turned a corner... and I lost her.

I stopped, breathless, scanning the corridor. She had to be here... somewhere. In one of the rooms? What was she doing? Why was she running?

I reached for a doorknob. Locked. Another one. Locked. Frantic, I tried another- it opened.

There she was in a hospital gown, panting hard, her fingers gripping the back of an exam table.

"Um... hi," I started as I stepped in.

She barely glanced at me, "Leave me alone," she said, her eyes on the floor.

"I just... I wanted to make sure you're alright..." I said, feeling a strange sort of Dejavu .

"Well I'm not all right, okay?"

"Um... okay," Why was she here? Why was she running away? I didn't understand.

"I want to go home..." she said.

I stepped closer, but she backed away. "Stay away from me! I can't- I can't breathe! I want my husband! Where is he?"

I held my arms gently in front of me... "It's okay, you're okay," I tried to soothe her.

"No... I'm not okay. Nothing is okay. I lost him... I- I how could I- I screwed up! I screwed up and he left me and..."

I stepped closer, hoping she wouldn't notice. I wanted to hold her in my arms, I wanted her to rest her head on my chest and cry... but something was seriously wrong here. Did she have have a head injury I wasn't aware of? She didn't seem to recognize me. She didn't know who I was...

"I'm all alone," She said. "I have to raise my daughter alone."

"Hey..." I said again, shuffling forward a little, again trying to reassure, to soothe.

But then she was looking past me at the door, shaking her head. "Leave me alone!" she yelled. I turned to see who she was looking at, and I saw an orderly and a security guard approaching.

"I can't breathe!" she yelled as she tried to get past me, to the door. "I want to go home!"

Instinctively, I grabbed her arms to stop her. "Hey-"

But she recoiled from my touch. "Who the hell are you? Don't touch me! Let go! Let go of me!" she yanked herself away. "Leave me alone- just- leave-"

"Excuse me sir," the security guard called, getting between me and her. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No- I know her-" I tried to get around him, "I need to talk to her." I had to know if she knew me. I couldn't walk away now.

"No more tests! I don't want to go! Stop it! Stop- don't touch me!" She was yelling as the orderly approached her, needle in hand, probably a sedative.

"You have to go... you are stressing our patient-" The big burly security guard boomed. I saw the flash of the needle as the orderly administered the medication into her open IV line.

"You have to let me talk to her!" I said, my heart breaking as I watched her eyes glaze over.

"I want... she whimpered as she was lowered to the floor.

"Get a gurney in here," someone said.

"Sir you need to leave," The security guard gripped my biceps and slowly forced me back. "If you don't leave now, we'll have to call the police."

"I'm her friend- I need to see her- you don't understand-" I called out.

"Meredith," one of the nurses said, "we're going to take you back to your room okay?"

Meredith. I numbly thought. Her name was Meredith. "Meredith?" I called out. "Meredith!" but I couldn't see her. The large guard blocked my view, and he kept stepping forward, pushing me away. I tried to rush past him but he restrained me and quietly led me down the hall as I protested.

Outside, thunder cracked and lightning split the skies. The rain pelted me, heavy and hard against my skin and I was crushed under it's weight.

xxx

I spent the night at a scuzzy cheap motel, and very early in the morning, I walked over to the main entrance, then hesitated and chose a less direct route.

I climbed the stairs to the fourth floor. When I got up to unit 42, I searched it, room by room. She was nowhere to be found. I was about to approach the desk when I saw two security officers, one from last night, walking toward me down the hall.

I took the hint and exited the building. Later that night, I tried again, only to find that she'd been discharged.

As I spent a sleepless night in that same scuzzy room, I stared at the smoke-stained ceiling. And then... out of the vestiges of my memory, I saw... I felt... Something.

 _"She was pulling away from me, and I just... I-I just.."._

 _"No. You do not get to break down. You do not get to fall apart. Not when there's still a chance, and there is still a chance, okay?"_

 _"This is the happy ever after part, and in the happy ever after, the guy is there, all the time, saying things and the girls love it!"_

 _"From now on, you can expect that I'm gonna show up."_

Meredith, her name was Meredith. And I wasn't going to give up now. I was going to show up. I was going to breathe for her.

I would find her.

xxx

 **Zola June 20 2037.**

"Mom?" I called.

She lay flat on her back on the bed, her hands resting on her abdomen. I could tell she was awake from the way the moonlight reflected off her shining eyes. The room was dark. The lights were off. "Mom?" I whispered.

I heard short gasping sounds. At first I thought she was having a panic attack, but then I heard her soft restrained moans. She was crying. I took a few hesitant steps in, not sure what to do. She was trying really hard not to cry, but I felt that leaving at this moment would make her feel worse. So I walked up to the bed and lay on the right side. Dad's side.

"I can't-" she gasped. "I can't- I don't- I don't want to die _alone_..."

"Shh," I murmured. "It's okay... just let it out. Just let it out mom," and I took her hand. She clutched it, sniffling and pulled it to her chest.

I let her, just happy to feel her heart beat under the back of my hand.

She cried, and I kept holding her until her sniffles turned to soft snores and she drifted off from exhaustion.

 **TO BE CONTINUED... Get ready!**

 **A/N:** Working on part 2 tonight and tomorrow. The moment you've all been waiting for! This chapter is dedicated to my Nan, who did actually deck a nurse on the way to get an X-ray. Fiesty woman she was... Although she has passed away years ago, she was an extraordinary woman with a lot of class. RIP Nan! Love you!


	35. I Can't Remember

**A/N:** Okay... here we go! Big Thanks to Judayan, Ellie, Patsy, mandyg67, Japa01, Guest and mollyisfast for all your comments! Thanks so much... you make my day!

Okay... remember when I said way back when... about coming back to ch.1? Well here we are. If you want, you can quickly read the last part of ch. 1 when Bailey gets home from his first day at Grey-Sloan. Because we pick up from there.

Are you ready to be blown away?

 **Janurary 2038 Seattle Zola**

"Zo!" In the background of my dreams, I heard someone calling me. "Zo! Zola!"

I sighed, slowly waking up from some... weird dream. Someone shoved my shoulder. "Nooo," I mumbled. Sleep was so hard to come by, between work, and my mother, and my family, and trying to have some semblance of a social life...

I felt the couch cushion depress a little as Bailey sat beside me. Crap. I'd fallen asleep on the couch again? I blinked up at my brother, too sleepy to glare. Morning light had just started to waft in from the windows and I squinted. "Time'sit?" I mumbled.

"It's seven, I just got off a thirty-six hour shift. I'm going to bed, are you gonna be okay?"

"Mmmm..." I pushed myself up into a seating position and rubbed my eyes tiredly.

"I put coffee on, and I put all the clothes in dryer."

"Mom?" I asked.

"She's in the kitchen, I made her some cereal but she might need some help."

"Okay." I sighed, gathering my strength for another day.

"Ellis will be home later, I think. I don't know, I haven't heard from her. But wake me up if you need anything."

"Yeah, I know..." I said. "Everyday is a new day right?"

"Yeah, I'm wiped. I gotta get some sleep."

I waved to Bailey as he walked up the steps, then I stood up and stretched. I padded to the kitchen where mom was sitting at the table. "Hey mom," I said pouring a cup of coffee for in lavender pajama's she stared at her cereal, stirring it with a spoon. "Mom?" I asked.

"Huh?" she looked up at me.

"Are you gonna eat your cereal?"

She looked back at her bowl. "Oh. Yeah..." she said, stirring it again, but she hadn't taken a bite. I reached into the cupboard for the cereal and poured myself some, along with some milk. I sat next to her and took a few bites, making sure she watched me. After a moment, she took a few slow bites of her cereal too, as if she just realized it was food that was in front of her.

Ever since the accident, it was as if she was slowly fading away. before, she'd have moments or sometimes hours where she wouldn't be all there, but usually she'd bounce back, come around again, back to herself. Now it felt like those more lucid moments were farther and farther in between.

She ate less. Slept at odd hours. Struggled with tasks that just a few months ago, she could do with ease. Like dressing herself. And she followed us around from room to room sometimes. One time, I'd arrived home late, and Ellis had already left, and mom was gone. I couldn't find her anywhere, until the neighbor knocked on our door. Apparently mom had gotten confused about where she lived. The neighbor found her in her kitchen, rearranging everything.

It was a weight on my shoulders that was getting heavier and heavier. I knew Ellis was struggling with it too, but she handled things differently. She treated mom more like a friend and let her do what she wanted, which was sometimes good, sometimes not.

I got up and poured a glass of OJ. "Here mom, have some orange juice."

"Okay," she said, and took a sip.

"Wanna do the crossword?" I asked, pulling the paper out and flipping to the diversions section.

"No," she said.

"Come on, just a few words?"

"No!" She pushed the paper away.

I sighed, and focused on my cereal instead. Mom crossed her legs and arms and just stared off into space again. Where did she go in these moments? I wondered. "Have a few more bites," I reminded, gesturing to the cereal.

She nodded and took a few more spoonfuls of cereal, chewing slowly.

I looked at the paper. "Okay... let's see... this one is easy mom. Three letters.'Stately tree.'" No response. Mom chewed her cereal. "C'mon, you used to run circles around me with this... Um... alright, five letters, ends with an e, 'Tube shaped pasta?'" I waited. Mom stared at nothing. "Okay, bad choice because it's about food and you don't do food... How about this one?" I asked, running my finger along the paper, "Starts with a 'c', One who you get tongue-tied around, maybe. Five letters..." I trailed off, looking at her, waiting, wondering, hoping.

Years ago we'd be rattling these off like it was no tomorrow. It was our thing. Even before dad disappeared.

 _"Morning mom," I said as I plodded into the kitchen._

 _"You're up early, lovebug." Mom smiled at me from her seat at the table. She rested her chin on one knee as she wrote in the newspaper. A steaming cup of coffee and a half eaten bagel sat on the table with her folded up paper._

 _"Volleyball practice, Dad's driving me. I think he's in the shower."_

 _"Mmm," Mom said as she sipped her coffee._

 _"Doing your puzzle again? I asked, reaching into the freezer for eggo waffles._

 _"Yup."_

 _"You do those a lot," I said. I dropped the waffles in the toaster and grabbed some orange juice._

 _"You're very observant," Mom said as she scribbled another answer down._

 _I shrugged and sat down beside her, waiting for my waffles. "Why do you do those? Aren't they boring?"_

 _Mom wrinkled her nose. "Not to me, besides, they're good for the connections in your brain."_

 _"Crosswords are good for your brain?" I asked._

 _Mom nodded, and wrote down another answer._

 _"Wait! Read me one!" I asked. I wanted to try. I was smart, I could do it._

 _Her eyes flashed with excitement and she smiled broadly. "Really? Okay... uh let's see," she stared at the paper, looking for a suitable clue. "Alright Zo, What is a hulking African mammal?"_

 _So easy. "Elephant!"_

 _"Close," mom said, twirling a finger. I slouched with disappointment, "Oh."_

 _"Come on, Zo, you know this," she encouraged. "Five letters."_

 _I pondered for a moment. Five letters? A hulking mammal. Not an elephant. Giraffe was too many letters, and 'hulking' wasn't exactly how you'd describe a giraffe. Hulking meant huge, as in... "Hippo!" I blurted, quickly counting the letters out on my fingers._

 _"Yeah! You got it!" Mom said, laughing. She looked pleased as punch. She passed the puzzle over to me and handed me her pen. "Here, write it in. Five down."_

 _I carefully printed the letters in with her pen while she took a bite of her bagel. "Wanna do another one?" She asked with her mouth full._

 _I nodded enthusiastically._

 _"Kay, go get your waffles first."_

 _Oh yeah... I ran over and picked them up from the toaster, grabbing a bottle of syrup on the way. When I settled at the table, she eyed me carefully. "Okay, let's see if you can get this, because I can't."_

 _Uh oh. This was going to be hard._

 _"Hogwarts professor who's a werewolf." She said._

 _My jaw dropped. Seriously? That was sooo easy. How could she not get that one? Oh wait, she didn't read Harry Potter. "Remus!" I called out, maybe a little too loudly. Mom mouthed 'Remus' and studied the puzzle. She shook her head. "Hmm," she said, "I don't think that fits here. It should have a 'p' in it?"_

 _Oh duh. "Lupin! Professor Lupin!"_

 _"Aha!" Mom grinned._

 _"This is actually kinda fun," I said._

 _"See? We're a team, you and I" Mom said, as she filled in my answer._

 _After that, I tried to get up a little earlier everyday and we'd work on the puzzles together._

"Did you get much sleep?" I asked mom as we folded laundry. She shrugged. That was another thing I noticed, she talked less. I didn't know if it was because she couldn't think of the words, or if she was scared of saying something wrong. Probably both, I considered. I handed her a laundry basket. "Here, you wanna take this upstairs?" I asked. "To your room?"

"Okay." She said, taking the basket in her arms. I followed her out, and decided to check in the den for some pictures or something. Mom liked to reminisce, and despite her sharing the same stories over and over again, I thought it would pass the time. I pushed the door open and gasped. What sort of bomb went off in here? Papers and books scattered the room, medical journals, neurology books. I picked up a journal. This one was special. It had my dad's picture on it. Mom had saved it from so many years ago. Something about a surgical trial. I bent over and picked up some more papers, mom's notes. But wait, I didn't recognize these from before. These weren't here yesterday. And the handwriting was different. Still my mother's, but bigger, wider, shakier. She hadn't written much in a long time...

I picked up papers and tried to read it. It didn't really make sense. Words like Amyloid, plaques, tangles... _Virus injected into-_ Mom had written. A couple pictures were drawn. _Ultrasonic waves to clear plaques and tangles... effectiveness? How to activate stem cells... how to..._ scribbles and scratches and diagrams of the brain and neurotransmitters. Then-scratches- angry scrawls. _I hate this! I hate Alz- Alz- I hate me!_ But that was scratched out too, _Rain. Brain. I hate my fucking BRAIN!_

I swallowed back the the lump in my throat. What had happened last night while I was sleeping? I picked up more papers, not looking at them now because it hurt too much. There was one picture though that stopped me in my tracks. Dad and mom kissing. Mom kept it on her desk usually. But after we moved, it kind of got misplaced. I hadn't seen it in a long time. It was taken at my grad. Dad looked dashing in a navy suit and tie, and mom had her hair up and was actually wearing make-up. (A little mascara and shadow) She wore a glimmering light blue dress. They were lip-locked, mom's hands on dad's shoulders and his arms around her waist. In the background dozen's of graduation caps flew in the air. I sighed and put the picture down. The frame was broken.

I should check on mom, she shouldn't be alone for too long. I grabbed the second basket of clothes and started up the stairs. "Mom?" I called. Why was the shower running? The laundry basket I'd given mom sat in the middle of the hallway, forgotten. I put my basket down too. Worried. Was she in the shower? Well that could be a good or bad thing... depending. The bathroom door was wide open and I walked inside, noting her mismatched socks on the floor. "Mom?" I asked again. "Mom... It's me, Zola... what are you doing in the shower?" I hesitated at the sliding glass door. When I heard her whimper- I slid the door open, my concern for her well being overriding my concern for her dignity.

She was standing there, fully clothed, except for her bare feet, the water thoroughly dampened her grey sweatshirt and pajama pants. She looked like a drowned rat.

"Mom?" I asked.

She flinched, blinked slowly, as if waking up. She sniffed and scrubbed her face, wiping the water away from her eyes. Her gaze traveled downward at herself, the water that traveled down her body. "What? I-" she started, turning toward me. She looked past me for a moment, and I stood, speechless, not sure what was going to happen next. Would she throw shampoo at me? She did that last week. Would she cry? Would she strip?

She turned the water off. Which amazed me. Little things like that were rarely seen.

"Zola," she said, looking right at me. Her grey eyes clear and focused, like a bright sunny day. She hadn't said my name in days, I was gobsmacked. "What the hell am I doing in Alex's bathroom?"

xxx

 **The night before... Meredith.**

"Hey mom," the dark skinned girl said, as she came in the door. "How are you? Where's Ellis?"

I shrugged. I knew Ellis lived here... but- "She was here..." I said, "I think." But then- I shook my head. I wasn't her catcher or whatever. The dark-skinned girl, I knew she was family... related to me, was she my sister? Anyway, she seemed concerned about Ellis. "She'll be okay. This Ellis."

She flashed a bright smile. "Of course. She just left you alone, that's all. She shouldn't do that-"

"Why?" I asked. "I can take care of myself." I was perfectly okay with taking care of myself. I could.

"I know mom, but sometimes you-" she stopped. "Nevermind, are you hungry? I'm starving."

I thought about it for a second, and then my stomach rumbled. _Hungry._ "Yeah... food is good."

"Okay, what do you want to eat?" she wandered to the kitchen and I followed her. I stood behind her as she looked into the fridge. "How about chicken? You want chicken and rice, or... porkchops?

"Um..." I stared at the stove. Why was I in here again? Oh, wait she asked me something. Something about chicken. I smiled and nodded.

"Porkchops?"

What? Porkchops? I shook my head, I thought she said chicken.

"Chicken?" she asked.

I nodded. That was the right answer, right?

I watched her cook it on the stove... she was a good cook. When it was ready, she put it on a plate for me and helped me sit down. It looked good, but what do I eat it with? I glanced up and watched her eat. She held a spike-y thing in one hand and a knife in the other. She scooped up her rice with the spike-y thing.

Right.

I copied her. I watched as she cut the chicken with the knife and did the same thing.

"Here, mom." she handed me a glass of water and some pills.

Pills... oh right. I was on medication. I was sick. I had a heart thing. And a brain thing. I laughed. _Thing._

"What? What's so funny?"

"Things..." I said, before I laughed again, I don't know where this sudden outburst came from... but just- "I..." I tried to explain, but it came out as incomprehensible nonsense. "Words, things- spike-y thingy," I said. I was laughing at myself, because I knew... somewhere in me, I knew what the _T_ _hings_ I had were, but on the out of me, I couldn't name them. So they were _Things._ I was a doctor, diagnosing myself. 'Hmm, your diagnosis is... you have a _Thing._ '

The poor girl. But she was a good sport about it. She laughed too. But she looked tired.

"Long day?" I asked.

"Mm," she sighed. "Yeah, crazy shift... and, do you remember what I told you about Julian?"

"Who?" I asked.

"Julian... I worked with him in Africa."

I didn't remember. I stared at my plate. Had she told me this before? Probably. Stupid brain thing. "So... what about Julian?"

"He adopted this little African boy, and he wants to see me."

"Oh," I said, stirring my rice. "That's nice. Derek and I adopted Zola. She was from Malawi. I was scared... you know, to be a mom... but then I held her, and I knew she needed me. And... I kinda needed her too then... and-" I shrugged, "I don't know what the heck I was so scared about. Dirty diapers? I mean, have you ever had to perform an emergency bowel resection?"

She gaped at me, sort of shocked.

"What?" I asked.

"I love you," she said, looking at me like I meant the world to her. Oh boy.

"Okay," I said, sighing. I stood up and put my fork down. Fork, spike-y thing, same diff. Where was the music box? I entered the living room and searched the walls till I found it. There. I pressed the button with the red dot on it, and music blasted out.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

I pushed the coffee table against the couch and moved the large recliner.

"C'mon," I said, gesturing. "You have to dance it out."

She stood there. Now it was her turn to stare. "What?"

The strong rhythm of the guitar, and the hopeful cadence of the music started to pull me in. I closed my eyes.

 _Dancing makes you brave..._

I dipped my shoulders to the beat, twisted my torso, lifted my arms.

 _Where do you go? With your broken heart in tow? Whaddya do with the left over you?_

 _How do you know, When to let go? Where did the good go? Where did the good go?_

"C'mon," I beckoned. "Dancing makes you brave."

"Mom-"

I turned the music up. Closed my eyes, and just let it take me. I took my daughter's hand and pulled her into the living room.

 _It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy and healthy, strong and calm..._

 _Where does the good go? Where does the good go?_

The rhythm picked up, filled out as more instruments were added. I tapped my toes and twirled, sidestepping and rocking to the beat.

 _Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive, look me in the heart and tell me you won't go..._

Finally she joined in beside me, our hips bumping as we danced around each other.

 _Look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love..._

 _Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen..._

Something jarred loose in me. Some _Thing._ I danced, releasing the pent up grief I knew I held deep inside. Just allowed everything fall off of me. My shoulders, my heart. I couldn't dance with such a heavy burden, so I let it go...

But something was happening in my mind... Like a tide receding from the shore... and revealing what it washed over. I didn't pay it any attention. I just danced.

 _It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be real happy, and healthy, strong and calm..._

 _Where does the good go? Where does the good go?_

I danced. We danced until we were laughing and gasping and giggling on the couch, until nothing made sense except it felt good.

xxx

I blinked. Time had passed, I knew, because it was quite dark in the house. I sat up. I was in bed. How did I get here? I had to pee so I walked to the bathroom.

When I was finished, I looked at the face in the mirror. Was that really me? I looked like crap. "Not possible," I muttered. But I had to get ready for work. My phone... where was my phone? I looked all over my room. No dice. Must be downstairs. I scurried to the edge of the stairs and then stopped. The stairs... they looked funny. Were they stable? I stuck a foot out over the edge and gripped the banister. _Don't fall, don't fall..._ Carefully I stepped down, one at a time. Somebody would have to get these stairs fixed, they were crooked or something.

Now. What was I doing? Oh, right, keys...I had to get to work. I dug around in my purse, but found nothing useful. What was I doing again? Phone. Right. Maybe I left it in the den. I walked inside to look. I checked the drawers of the desk, the bookshelves, the table in the corner. Where were my goddamn keys? "Argh!" I yelled. Frustrated, I pushed everything off the desk. ' _crash!'_. Crap, I broke something. Under the papers, glass glinted, I picked up the papers to get underneath. What were these anyway, these folded papers?

 _Caring for a parent with Alzheimer's,_ one said. _Common behaviors of someone with dementia and how to manage them,_ another said. _Caring for the caregiver,_ I read.

What was all this? My mother died years ago... I didn't recall keeping pamphlets. I shook my head and put them down. There was something else on the floor, a picture. I picked it up, glass clinked underneath. Oops, that was what broke. The frame. I ran my hand over the picture inside. Derek and I were caught kissing, happy. In the background, graduation caps fell around us, but we were in our little world.

Derek.

"Derek," I whispered. But I knew... I knew... he was gone.

I looked for him, so many times, but...

Then why did I keep seeing him? There were days when I dreamed of him. There were days when... I felt like he was right there, right in front of me, his eyes pleading, begging...

But he was gone.

Right?

Wait. My fingers trembled as I picked up a pamphlet. _I_ was the one with Alzheimer's. _I_ was the sick one... And Derek was gone, now my kids were losing me too. My throat constricted.

 _I want to be able to fight for my kid... And if I'm going to fight for her... I want to know if I'm going to be around to do it..._

 _I-I tried._

 _Why didn't you try harder?_

I released a shuddering breath.

 _I swam. I fought. The water was cold. And for a second... just for a second, I thought... what's the point? And I let go._

 _Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Derek is who he is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like him exists? He's an optimist. He still believes in true love and soulmates. He's waiting for you... And if you don't come back from this, you will change who he is._

I let go. For a second... just for a second, I let go. Again.

"Derek," I whimpered.

 _I know this is bad, and I'm this ass who's been yelling at you all day. So you pretend that I'm not. You pretend that I'm someone you like. Whatever you need._

"I'm scared..." I said to the picture.

" _I know,_ " he said.

"I'm sorry. I..." I sighed heavily. I didn't have any excuse. I gave up... somewhere... I didn't try hard enough. I didn't look hard enough. I could've... I could've, I should've...

 _"Meredith,"_ he said in that soft tone that made my heart fall to pieces. _"It's okay."_

Not it's not. I stared at the books in my study. At the big binders where I stored the hard copies of my research. I knew I was close, I knew that somewhere within these four walls was an answer. I just had to find it. I just had to put the pieces together. "I'm going to fix it." I said.

 _"No..."_ Derek replied, " _ **We're** going to fix it."_

Emboldened, I put the picture down. I put the pamphlets down. There was a stack of loose leaf paper and a jar of pens. I picked up a pen and paper and pulled out the large _Anatomy of the Brain_ book. "Okay, lets do this."

I started with the basics: While we didn't know what _caused_ Alzheimer's, we knew its form. We knew what happened in the brain. Plaques and tangles formed from dead brain cells that were not properly cleared out. Blocking neurotransmitters from communicating, shrinking the brain, as new cells no longer replaced the old ones...

I stared at the blank page, and carefully started drawing a diagram. If there was a way to clear these tangles...

 _I did all this research, and it's rare, and it's still untested in humans... but..._

I wrote furiously on the paper, going through various chemical combinations of possible drugs that may have this effect.

 _You wanna know why I'm so unfocused? So ordinary? **You.** You did this to me._

 _Then let me refuse the surgery._

 _No._

 _Why?_

 _Because killing my mother is not going to be another **thing** that happens to me!_

I blinked... Where was I again? I stared at my writing... "Umm..." I stared and stared...

 _You have a problem? Tell me. I'll tell you how to fix it._

The problem? "What if drugs aren't the solution?"

 _"Hmm... how else would we treat it?"_

"Surgery."

 _"Surgery? On microscopic cells?"_

"Well-" That wasn't quite right- "No... not exactly" I tapped my pen on the paper... the answer was there in my head..

From the desk, Derek eyed me thoughtfully, his white coat a contrast against his dark blue scrubs, his expression supportive and mildly curious.

"ARGH!" I said, throwing the book across the room. "It's here," I gestured to my forehead, "in my brain... the answer... but-" I shook my head. "It's a physical problem, it needs a physical solution..." In my mind, I was swimming in a sea of JELLO. I was stuck. What is the physical solution to clearing out thousands of clumping microscopic cells?

 _Ten blade._

"I read something..." I had researched something, but I couldn't articulate my thoughts. "It's- I-" I drew and scribbled on the paper, my anger burning through as I pressed the pen deeper into the thin white pages. "Fucking brain!" I screamed. "I know the answer, Derek, it's here, I just... can't get it out."

He gave a half smile, throwing his feet up on my desk. _"Maybe I should just flip you upside down, give you a little shake, see what falls out,"_ The smile broadened, as he gave me a hooded, _I think Meredith is hot_ gaze.

"You are a prude!" I accused, pointing my pen at him. "And that is-" I stopped mid sentence. A little shake? Like a...shaking thing... no, a tool that shakes. "A vibrator!"

 _"Mm, I like that idea!"_

"Shut up! That's not-" I blushed, a giggle escaped my lips... "Just... I'm thinking here..."

 _"You look so cute when you've got a problem to solve,"_ Derek said as he stepped closer.

I pushed him away, now wasn't the time. "Halitosis!"

 _"Hey, I just brushed my teeth!"_ he exclaimed.

Something clicked. Brushed. Clear away. Clean. Vibrate. "Sonic..." I muttered.

 _"What?"_

"Ultrasonic waves..." I muttered as I scribbled it down. Microscopic surgery This was important, I couldn't forget. Wasn't there an article somewhere? "A physical solution... targeted waves, Derek, ultrasonic waves to bust away the plaques and tangles."

But then what was next? The patient still had Alzheimer's. It was like having cancer. You could physically remove a tumor, but the patient could still have cancer, or cancerous cells floating around. Sometimes it meant that they had to have radiation or chemo- or a bone marrow transplant-

"No freaking way..." I said, as a realization occurred to me.

"What?" Derek asked, clueless.

"Brainless brain man!" He was supposed to be able to read my mind. He was supposed to know this stuff! I scribbled again... "Transplant! We can transplant new cells..." I muttered as I drew another diagram out.

But who's cells? Which cells? And how do you tell the cells how to do their job? You can't just program it... right? How-

But my thoughts were getting murky again. "I hate Alz-" Even the stupid word wouldn't come to me! "I hate this Derek! I hate it!" I muttered as I tried to focus on my research. I paced around the den, pulling books and magazines and journals out, flipping through pages, looking for answers, looking for...

I felt tired. "Derek, I'm so tired," I sat down.

 _"You did the best you could,"_ he said, sitting beside me. He wrapped his arm around me and I leaned against his chest.

The room started to fill with fog...

"Please..." I begged. Begged Derek, my brain, the universe. "Please don't leave me again..."

 _"Shhh..."_ he murmured, kissing my hair.

The fog filled the whole room now. I didn't even know how to get out. I crossed my arms, blinked. I would just wait here. Wait...

xxx

The fog was slowly lifting... I could hear this voice. A familiar voice that I'd heard before. Someone was talking to me. I looked up, and saw a young man sitting in the chair across from me. He had soft dirty blonde hair in tight curls, and brilliant light eyes. He was telling me a story, I could tell by the way he gestured, and the excited look in his eyes that this was very important to him. But he talked fast, and I couldn't really understand him.

"Sofia..." he said- "... blah blah," he gestured wildly. "...burr hole, and I was like..."

Burr hole. I knew that term. Burr hole...

More jibber jabber. "Rebbecca... Dr. Peters said-"

His lips quirked into a smile- "And, Mom, you wouldn't believe..." he said more stuff I couldn't keep up with, it ended with, "craniotomy!"

I nodded along. He was so intent, so needing of affirmation, I knew I had to try and give him something.

Finally he sighed, drank the last of his juice and looked at me sadly. "Mom?" he asked.

Why was he looking at me that way? I couldn't possibly be his mother. But he was talking about... Medical stuff. I knew a little about medical stuff. I twisted my watch. I should get a new one, this one was broken. Wait. Was he my doctor? I had a thing. A memory thing. Was he here to help me... because... It was getting so hard these days... "Are you the doctor?" I rasped.

The young man smiled but shook his head. "No mom. I'm not your doctor. But I _am_ a doctor."

"Oh." So he wasn't here to help me... but- I knew stuff too, medical things... Like craniotomy. "I think I was a doctor." It was always there, in the swamp of my brain, this... _something,_ that I was something... that I'd done something... extraordinary. Doctor-y

"You were." He said slowly. "You were a surgeon. One of the best." He patted my knee. I found it strangely comforting.

"Oh," I said, and blinked, "Do I know you?" Had I seen him somewhere? At a conference? At a hospital? I looked up, searching his grey-green eyes. We had the same eye color. But those eyes looked so sad. Why was he so sad?

"It's me mom... Bailey." He took my hand in his own, gently rubbing my fingers. "I'm your son."

I didn't understand... Hello? Hostile uterus... but I knew I had a memory thing...

"Bailey..." I repeated slowly, as if saying it would make it true.

"Yeah," he said, a hesitant smile on his face. He gestured to the room, "What happened here, mom?" he asked.

I looked around, the fog in my brain had been lifting by degrees. Oh... what a mess. Papers, and books... everywhere. Like a - a whirltop had spun in. "A mess," I said. "Someone should clean it up." I stood up and reached down for some of the papers on the floor.

"It's okay," he said suddenly, standing up too. "There's broken glass on the floor, and you're missing a slipper."

"Oh." I said.

"C'mon, have you eaten?"

I couldn't remember... "No," I said.

He took my hand and led me out the door of the room I was in... the study place. There was a strange woman sleeping on my couch, but I kept my mouth shut because I had a memory thing... and well, she looked tired and she probably needed the rest. I didn't want to kick her out. Suddenly I was in the kitchen. He led me to a chair and I sat down at the table.

"I was thinking pancakes," the guy said, "but, I'm really tired. Is it okay if I give you cereal?"

Cereal. Yeah, that was okay.

"Mom?"

"Huh?"

"Cereal?"

"Cereal?" Like bran stuff? Right? But there was this other kind... what was the name? I liked it better. It tasted sweet.

The guy sighed... "Cereal it is..." he muttered, opening a cupboard. What was his problem? Did I do something wrong?

"I'm sorry." I said.

"There's nothing to be sorry for..." he trailed off, pulling a box off the shelf.

"I did something right? I said something..." I knew I could do that. I could snap. I hadn't yet... but, "So I'm sorry."

"No, mom... you didn't say anything."

"Why do you keep calling me mom?" I asked.

"Because you are my mom," he replied, pouring the cereal into the bowl.

I shook my head, I think I would remember, even if I had a memory thing. I would remember. "No... I- I would know... I would know if I was a mother."

He sighed, took the milk out of the fridge and poured it into the cereal. He handed me a spoon, "here," he said. He wiped his eye. Did he have something in his eye? "You should eat, I'm tired, I'm going to bed."

"Okay," I said, looking down at my cereal. I jabbed my spoon in it, it didn't look right. I wanted the white stuff, not the brown stuff.

And then he left.

Everyone leaves.

I blinked...

"-Tube shaped pasta?" I heard. "Okay, bad choice because it's about food and you don't do food... How about this one?" I watched a thin brown finger slide down the newspaper. "Starts with a 'c', One who you get tongue-tied around, maybe. Five letters..."

Tongue-tied. Hah. I wish I could be tongue-tied. I was brain-tied. Words and hopes and feelings I wanted to share often didn't make it to the surface.

I wished...

I wish Derek was here. He was always here, saying things. And the two of us loved being tongue-tied. Together. Meaning our lips... tongues... tying...

I blinked.

I was folding laundry. I picked up the shirt, folded it in half one way, then the other. I put it down on top of the others.

"Here," Zola said, handing me the basket. "Can you take this to your room upstairs?"

"Okay," I said, and I picked it up and took it upstairs. My room. This wasn't my room. This wasn't my house. This was Alex and Jo's place.. except where the hell were Alex and Jo? I put the basket down.

My head hurt. Why did it hurt? I should take some aspirin. The bathroom, there was probably some in the medicine cabinet.

But-

 _"Why do you keep calling me mom?"  
_

 _"Because you are my mom,"  
_

 _"No... I- I would know... I would know if I was a mother."_

 _"Here, you should eat, I'm tired, I'm going to bed."_

What was that? Bailey? Did I forget him? How? I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. Bathroom.

I vomited, the Muesli floated in the toilet bowl, ugly brown flakes.

I blinked.

I was wet, sopping. I was in a shower. Why was I in a shower... what was wrong with me?

"Mom?"

Startled, I flinched. I felt like I was being woken form a strange dream. Water sprinkled on my face, neck and shoulders, I wiped it away. Why was I in a shower, clothed? I looked up, past Zola's shoulder's. This wasn't even my shower... "What? I-" I turned the water off. "Zola," I said, looking right at my daughter. She would know... She would have the answers. "What the hell am I doing in Alex's bathroom?"

"Mom?" Zola asked, reaching across the bathtub to take my hand. She looked so concerned, so worried.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked, embarrassed, ashamed. I pulled my hand away from hers. "I can get out of the tub by myself." Why was she worried about me? And there was... something different about her... I couldn't place it. Couldn't figure it out. Did she look older? Was she wearing make-up?

"You need to change," Zola said, "let me get you some dry clothes."

She left me alone for a minute, and I stood there. I looked around the bathroom again. Hair stuff, smelly flower-y stuff, girl stuff. Not Alex and Jo stuff. I picked up a hairbrush. Zola's stuff.

Oh God.

The last thing I remember clearly... was fighting with Ellis over something... her grades or...

Oh God. "No," I whimpered.

It couldn't be true... It wasn't true...

I felt nauseous and opened the medicine cabinet. On the top shelf, in yellow and orange bottles, was several different medications. I picked one up. Nitroglycerin... for my heart. I picked another one up...Aricept? Exelon?

Medication for people with dementia. And the little white printed label clearly stated, Grey, Meredith, E.

I had Alzheimers. I had it for a long time, judging by the dosages of the medication.

And now I was lucid.

My legs felt weak, I could feel my heart palpating in my chest. "Oh..." I wheezed as I sank slowly to the floor.

But suddenly Zola was there, a bundle of clothes in her arms. "Mom, are you okay?" she asked dropping the clothes to the floor.

I couldn't speak. I put my hand on my chest and rubbed it.

"Is it your heart?" Zola asked, she grabbed my wrist to feel for a pulse. "Mom?"

"I'm..." I panted... "Heart... pills." I pointed to the medication.

She didn't hesitate in getting it for me. I swallowed it dry. I clutched her hand. Squeezed hard.

"Mom?" Zola's voice was breaking. She must be terrified.

I wanted to reassure her, but I felt as scared as she did. "Just... give me a minute." I said through gritted teeth. Because my mind was going a hundred miles a minute, while my heart was struggling just to beat. I breathed in, and out. In, and out. "I'm... I'm okay." I managed to say after awhile. "You scared?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said.

"So am I," I replied.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"It's a gift..."

"What?"

I closed my eyes... the last four years was literally flashing before my eyes. Like watching your life as a movie going 400 times faster. Flashes, bits and pieces of this and that... people talking, fishing, fireworks, Christmas time, A crash?

And... wait. I gasped. Derek?

"Zola... I don't know how, or why... but... I remember. I'm- I'm lucid."

xxx

Zola had dragged my dazed self to the living room couch. We hadn't spoken much, I was so overwhelmed. Finally, I sighed. "You need to wake up Bailey," I told my daughter. I wanted to see him. See how much he'd grown.

It was a gift.

Zola nodded, "Okay," she said, "I'll be right back."

"Kay," I said.

I waited on the couch, staring out the window, when I heard voices. A male and a female. I heard footsteps approaching. The doorbell rang. I stood up, waiting for Zola to get it.

It rang again... impatient. _DING DONG, DING DONG!_ Crap. Fine, I'd get it. It was my house after all!

I stood up and walked to the door, not knowing why I was so nervous. I pulled it open.

HE was there. Standing in front of me... sopping wet. His brilliant black and silver hair was more silver than black...

Was I seeing a ghost? HE was dead. Lost at sea.

Right?

He ran a hand along his smooth-shaven cheek, stopping when it reached his chin. He stared at me, studying me, every feature, every nook and cranny that he could see. Like he was committing me to memory.

I was tongue tied. I couldn't speak. I stared at the love of my life. I thought- I thought- I thought he was dead.

We both swallowed at the same time. He took a small step forward. "You almost died..." he said slowly.

And I remembered now, the crash... he'd been there.

"You saved me." I said, still in shock. Still not quite trusting myself. Was I really actually lucid? Or was my mind fucking me over?

He nodded slightly. Shifted. His hand went to his jaw again, a half smile on his face. "I can't remember," he swallowed. "I can't remember... our last kiss," another half step forward. "The last time we were together and happy... I wanna remember it... but, I- Meredith, I can't remember..."

 **A/N:** Is your world flipping? FYI Meredith is not miraculously cured... but for now... she's lucid. She's Lucid and DEREK. IS. HERE. (it only took 35 chapters...) Next Chapter... Derek tells his story of how he got here. I think he had a little help from some friends!

One more note: This story my gift to you... and I ask for nothing in return except for you to read and enjoy it. **Please, please tell me what you think!** It just takes a couple sentences... it doesn't even have to be coherent... just, acknowledge the hours I take in writing this... the emotional trip I go on to find the right line, the right phrase, song, scenario... whatev. That would be a wonderful gift to me! Thanks!


	36. Our Last Kiss

**A/N:** Holy Crap! **YOU GUYS MADE ME CRY!** The response from the last chapter was amaaazing! My email box kept lighting up with alerts of reviews even days after the last update was posted... I am just overwhelmed... so **thank you, thank you** everybody who took a moment to tell me your thoughts! I just... wow... speechless. What a tremendous gift! Thank you for sticking with this story!

Just a quick word... real life just got a little bit busier, as I needed to take on a second job while still helping out my folks... My dad needs a little more care these days, and its hard on my mom, so updates may be a little further apart, but no less amazing. Please be patient!

Some of you might be thinking... oh, Mer & Der are together now... this story is going to end soon, Wah! But I'm not so sure about that, still a lot of story here to tell... and a lot of MerDer, since I have to satisfy my deprived fans right? Right. Not to mention Mcfamily time... Squirrels, mice, and bears anyone?

Anywho... **Note the time jump back for this first scene!**

 **Enjoy!**

 **June 14 2028 Seattle Derek.**

I sighed and pulled my big bag of gear onto the luggage cart. Zola and Bailey had dashed off impatiently ahead, while Ellis and I struggled with our stuff as we scrambled to get in line at the airport.

"Derek!" I heard Meredith call.

I spun around, I didn't expect to see her because we'd said goodbye at the house. "What are you doing here?"

"You forgot your passport!" Meredith trotted over to me, waving a small black wallet with gold embossing. "It was on the counter."

What? How had I forgotten that? I patted my pockets, "oh," I said.

"Yeah, 'oh'." Meredith said, a little exasperated. "You left your phone off, I tried calling you like six times..." She stopped and frowned. "What?"

I realized I was smiling widely at her. She looked harried, her hair was a mess, she wore ratty sweats, no make-up or lip gloss, her jacket glistened with rain from the downpour outside, and the cold had caused her skin to look a tad paler. That little wrinkle in the corner of her mouth seemed more defined, as it wasn't covered up-

It was just... she just...

"What?" she asked again as she handed me my passport.

"I love you," I said.

"Uh huh," she replied, raising her brows up at me.

She didn't get it... Sometimes she could be so perceptive, and other times things went right over her head.

 _Don't you see?_

 _Don't you understand?_

 _You're the love of my life. I can't leave you..._

She was my best friend. She'd always been. Even after Mark and I let bygones be bygones, I never had the same level of friendship with him again. It'd always been Meredith. She was my best friend, my colleague, my wife, my lover, the mother of my children. She was everything. How had I forgotten that? I needed her. I always needed her...

But she needed me too. And I knew, despite years of marriage and all we'd been through, sometimes she doubted me. It was rare, but sometimes, there'd be a flicker in her eyes, after we had a fight, or... like this morning, when I questioned her final schedule... or right now even, just this... smidgen of doubt. Fear. That I might leave her. And I knew Meredith wasn't even aware of it. It was a wound left from childhood, that reopened and inflicted pain when she lost her mother to Alzheimer's, and she lost her friends George and Izzie ... when she had a miscarriage, when Lexie died, and when I made a mistake and kissed someone else.

 _Things like this? They don't work._

I had to make sure she knew I wouldn't leave her. I could never do that to her. I stepped closer, reaching with my hand to cup her cheek. Her skin was soft and moist, and her eyes shone. Her lips parted when she saw my intentions and I kissed her softly.

A promise.

 _From now on you can expect that I'm gonna show up. I'm always gonna show up. Okay?_

"I love you," I said again, leaking every ounce of that feeling into my expression. I loveyouandIneedyouandyou'reeverythingtome... I said without speaking.

She sighed, sniffed a little, and looked up at me. _I know_ , the look in her eyes said. "I love you too..." she said, I loveyouandIneedyoutooandI _know_...

"We're okay?" I asked.

She reached around my neck and straightened my collar. Her hands ran down my lapels, smoothing them. "We're okay," she replied.

I rubbed her shoulder. "I'll see you in less then fourty-eight hours then..."

"Less then forty-eight hours," she smiled. "Have a safe flight."

"See you," I picked up my bags and turned my luggage cart around.

"See you," I heard her say as I headed toward the boarding gate.

xxx

 **January 2038 Seattle Derek.**

"I can't remember... our last kiss." I said, staring at the woman of my Dreams. Meredith. I stepped a little closer. "The last time we were together and happy... I wanna remember it... but, I- Meredith, I can't remember." I said softly.

She looked like she was seeing a ghost. In shock. I didn't blame her. My heart hammered in my chest. Ba-bang, ba-bang, ba-bang. I swallowed and stepped closer.

 _No sudden moves._

"Derek..." she breathed finally.

"Yes," I replied with a nod.

"Is it... it's... really you?" her voice was almost a whisper.

"Yes," I said, stepping even closer. I ignored the water dripping from my brow, trailing down my face, falling off my chin. No sudden moves, I reminded myself.

Her gaze was all over me... taking me in, her eyes tracked every detail, every wrinkle and line. Every strand of hair. All of me. "I'm not... you're not-?" she stopped, and I saw a thin film of water over her eyes.

Hallucinating? A Delusion?

I swallowed a lump in my throat. There was just this huge dam in me, ten years of... pent up stuff that made my throat constrict, my heart ache. Meredith. She looked so... I had no words to describe it. I just wanted to hold her. I shuffled a little closer, less than an arm's reach away. "No," I said.

She whimpered. "Derek..." she said, reaching for me with trembling fingers.

 _No sudden moves._

 _Stay here. Don't move. Wait for me._

Her hand caught my jacket. Curled into a fist around a handful of the vinyl fabric. She didn't look at me, though. Just stared at my chest, as if she was afraid to look up. I covered her warm hand with my cold wet one and gently pried her fingers away from the vinyl. I brought her hand up to my lips and softly kissed her knuckles. "It's me," I said, my breath warming the space between us. "I'm here."

And then the dam inside me started to crack and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her into me. She clutched me so tight, it was hard to breathe, and then she was shaking. Shaking and sobbing. Her hair, slightly damp, mixed with the rain and tears that had fallen down my neck. I sniffed, crying too, unable to stop the emotional downpour that I'd held in for the last ten years.

Ten years.

"I'm here." I said again. "It's me. I'm here Meredith. It's me. Shhh... I'm here now... I'm here..." I continued to murmur into her hair, the scent of lavender so familiar... yet so new and refreshing at the same time. Time stopped. The world stopped spinning. In this moment, it was just me and this small quivering body. "Shhh..."

Finally her breaths evened out and the quivering stopped. Meredith's body relaxed against me, and I heard a long sigh, followed by a big wet sniff. Her hands rubbed up from my elbows to shoulders and she slowly pulled herself back.

Again I found myself lost in her green eyes. She sniffed and clumsily wiped her eyes with her shirtsleeve. "You're here." she said.

I nodded, still entranced by those red streaked eyes, those pale tear-stained cheeks, those lips.

"I am," I said.

"You're really here, and you're saying things."

"Yes." I said for what felt like the hundredth time.

"You-"

"Meredith," I interrupted, tucking my knuckle under her chin, gently lifting it to that angle, that perfect kissable angle. I gazed at her soft fragile lips. "Shut up and kiss me."

"Okay," she whispered. Our gaze met for a moment before I found myself staring again at those lips. I closed my eyes, leaned forward, and touched her lips with mine.

It wasn't like before. The kiss before, I had been... anxious, uncertain, hesitant. and she'd been most likely scared and confused. But now, neither of us were. We wanted. Needed. So much had been lost, stolen, and destroyed.

And now...

The very first touch of our lips together was soft and nervous. But that quickly dissolved as my bottom lip pushed between hers and I pulled gently on her upper lip, tasting her, breathing her in.

She sighed into me, and I turned my head, pushing against her harder, coaxing the blood to rush to the sensitive nerve endings of my lips. They tingled in pleasure. When our tongues touched, I shivered. Her tongue ran along my bottom lip, and then I entered, softly probing, scraping against her teeth, and then-

 _There are lines._

 _So, these lines... are they imaginary, or do I need to get you a marker?_

I cupped her cheek, marveling at the smoothness of her skin while still sampling her, stroking the roof of her mouth.

I was home.

There was someone, waiting for me... pulling me out from the depths of the tsunami.

She was my home.

We didn't move from that spot in the foyer, we were oblivious. Meredith's arms draped over my shoulders, and I ran my hands along her back. It felt so natural, like we'd done it thousands of times.

I heard the slam of a door but didn't care.

I heard the sound of footsteps down the stairs, but didn't care.

Until...

"Dad!"

"Dad?"

Dad?

xxx

 **November 21 2037 North Cove, Derek.**

My truck was parked in front of the bar. I'd been here in North Cove for months now looking for answers, but finding nothing substantial. I'd given up in Vancouver, nobody would tell me anything. So I took my houseboat and traveled here, to this God forsaken town.

It was late and I was tired. I dug through the junk in my truck for my phone, and when I popped open the glove compartment, something fell out.

A picture.

A picture of my sailboat, I remembered Benny took this. Two women looked over my boat, their backs to me. My fingers trembled as I recognized the figures there. It was Meredith and Cristina. The women looking at my sailboat... It was them. I flipped the picture over. On the back, Benny had written all the details of the day, down to the temperature. But I didn't care about that, it was the date.

June 16th 2034

June 16th, the day of the tsunami nine years ago. June 16th, the day I met Meredith on the road. I stumbled out of the truck. Was I really that close? Did I really just miss her? I scrubbed my bearded face. I needed to think... I needed a drink.

 _I think you need to consider the possiblity... that someone has lost you too._

Every town, no matter how small, has three things. A church, a store, and a bar. I made my way to the bar. "Double scotch," I said. "The good stuff." the bartender nodded and a glass appeared before me, full of Amber liquid. I stared at it, lost in thought...

I had to find her, Meredith. But she completely baffled me.

" _Where have you been? I've been waiting and waiting for you, and you never showed up!"_ In one moment, it was like she recognized me, but in the other...

" _You remind me of my husband... But you're not him, it's impossible."_

" _Are you real?"_ she'd asked. And then... _"This feels like a very weird dream."_

" _No don't go- I just got you back,"_ she said...

The way her hand gripped my forearm, the way she demanded me to kiss her. That kiss...

But then, she pushed me away- she didn't know who I was-

" _Stay away from me! I can't- I can't breathe! I want my husband! Where is he?"_

When she looked up at me that last time, she regarded me as a stranger, as a threat. She'd recoiled, _"Who the hell are you? Don't touch me! Let go of me! Leave me alone!"_

What the hell happened?

"Another please," I said to the bartender. He nodded, and my glass filled again. Doubt creeped up in me. Did she really know me, or was she just really messed up? But if so... why was she discharged so early?

And then my doubt turned to anger. I gripped the glass so hard I thought it would crack. My hand shook. Why did I leave? I pulled the picture out and stared at it again. What was the connection? What was our connection?

I just missed her... again! I had her and I lost her!

The bar blurred and buzzed around me as I slammed back another drink. And another. I was my own worst enemy wasn't I? "Ugh," I mumbled as I pushed myself from the counter.

"Hey," the bartender called. "Your keys... you'll have to leave 'em here."

"Whatever." I dug around in my pockets and dropped my truck keys and a wad of bills on top of the picture in front of him.

 _No matter what I do..._

 _I fail her. Over and over and over again._

"Hey, man! You left your picture!"

"Whatever," I said as I stumbled out. The night air was cool and crisp, and I shivered. In the back of my truck was a pillow and blanket for these kind of times. I pushed the seat back, reclined it, tucked the pillow under my head and draped the blanket over me.

I closed my eyes.

" _Hey, I missed you," My subconscious said. We were standing on a bridge... a catwalk of sorts. On one side, I looked out to a beautiful mountain and a flag flapping in the wind. The sun, peeking out in the corner, lit the sky up like fire._

 _It had been a long time since I seen her. I'd started to give up on this Meredith woman, and dreams of her were farther and farther apart. But here now, I felt... safe. Like this was my home. My sanctuary. "Hmm," I sighed._

" _Look familiar?"_

" _Yeah..." I said, looking around. I smiled down at her, but she looked scared. "What is it?" I asked, suddenly worried. Her hand reached out and touched my chest, tracing a line between my pectorals. I took it in my own. "What?" I asked again._

 _Her expession was suddenly sad, "I'm sorry..." she said. Her gaze flitted out to the towering window. "You think you're safe, but you're not. You think there'll be a happy ever after... and then..."_

" _What are you talking about?" I asked, but then she was gone. I was alone on the catwalk. I looked left. Looked right. Nothing. A flicker of movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention, and a man stood in front of me. I blinked, in one second I was staring at a stranger, and in another...myself._

 _Morbidly, I watched myself raise my arm and I gasped, my arms flew up in defence, because the other me was holding a gun..._

 **BANG!**

 _Bang bang bang!_ I jolted awake, confused and hung over. _Bang bang bang!_ Someone was pounding on my window. I turned to see who it was, but came face to face with the nozzle of a gun. "Wha-?"

"Get outta the truck! Get outta the truck!"

 _It isn't safe here._

My pulse pounded, I couldn't breathe. Adreneline rushed through me. I realized I didn't have my keys or else I would've tried to drive away. _Bang ba-crash!_ The window shattered, glass erupted around me. "I don't have my keys," I managed to say before a thick hand reached in and unlocked the door.

"You don't have your fucking keys?" the man growled at me, he looked behind him, like he was running from someone. I took a chance and pushed the door open, hard, knocking him off balance. He stumbled but remained standing. "Motherfucker!" Suddenly the gun was in my face again. Frozen, I held up my hands weakly.

 _You're not the man here. I'm the man._

 _I'm the man. And a man looks after his wife._

 _But I didn't._

"Please..." I begged.

 _Look me in the eye._

 _I'm a human being. I'm flawed._

 _We all are._

"Please..." I whispered. How had it come to this? "Just...I-" All I saw was a blur of movement and then excruciating pain in my temple before darkness overtook me.

xxx

" _Dad!"_

 _I stared up at a familiar blue-eyed face. Behind her a wall of water raced toward us. I saw her strain, and realized she was holding me. Her tiny frame could not hold me though, gravity made sure of that._

 _Although her fingers gripped me tightly. I wasn't enough, she was going to fall. I would take her down with me._

" _Ellis! You have to-" I yelled. She had to let me go. She had to... my heart leaped as I looked at the churning water below me. I looked at her pleading expression again, her hand was slipping from the rail. But she wouldn't let me go._

 _I gripped something sharp in my pocket. "Tell them I love them and I'm sorry," I managed to say before I stabbed her hand._

" _Dad!" she shrieked._

 _And I was falling, falling, falling..._

 _There was blood on my chest. Why was I bleeding... I thought there was a tsunami? I should be drowning._

 _I saw red._

 _I felt warm sticky syrup on my fingers. Burbling up from my chest... Intense pain caused me to gasp._

" _Do not die! Do you understand? I can't live without you! I pick you. I choose you."_

 _Mereidith is there, hovering over me, her hands on top of mine, holding my broken heart together._

" _Stay awake! You stay awake! Derek!"_

xxx

 **Nanaimo, November 22 2037 Derek**

I blinked... The world was a fuzzy blue, grey green place with lights that were too bright.

"Sir?"

I heard the scuffle of feet, the rustle of blankets, other noises that would make sense if I opened my eyes, but... it just hurt too much. My head throbbed, _whoosh-whoosh-whoosh,_ in time with my heartbeat.

"Ohh," I moaned, blinking again. An oval shape moved over me, a face. I squinted to try and make out the details, but it didn't work.

"Sir?"

I responded by letting out a long sigh...

"Can you tell me your name?"

"Der..." I managed to say, before my lips stopped cooperating.

"Do you know what happened to you?"

A big wave. A tidal wave... crashing over me, enveloping me... rolling twisting under the water, trying to breathe, can't breathe... Ellis... Ellis holding onto me... begging...

Or was it a gun?

 _Motherfucker!_

"Dunno..." I said, shifting in the bed. I was in a bed... I was in a bed and it smelled like... antiseptic. But it felt comfortable, safe.

"Do you know where you are?"

"Hos- Hospital..." I managed to say, swallowing. Goosebumps traveled up my spine and I shivered. More rustling, and then I felt a heaviness cover my body, a blanket. I clutched the woolen edge. "What... what happened?" How did I get here?

"You were attacked and suffered a concussion. We're keeping you for observation. You've been in and out of consciousness for several hours."

Several hours? Why didn't I remember? I felt so tired, and then I was pulled under again...

xxx

"Chris? Oh God... Chris..."

"Hmm?" I moaned. The voice was familiar, Lynn? Warm pressure wrapped around my hand and I opened my eyes to see my friend. Tears rimmed her eyes as she tried to comfort me. Squeezing her hand, I murmured, "I'm okay."

"I can't believe... who... who would do such a thing? Who would hurt you?"

Oh right. I'd been attacked. I didn't really remember much except a gun in my face, and a loud angry voice.

 _Get outta the truck! Get outta the truck!_

 _Give me your watch!_

I blinked and sighed, thankful that she was here, that I wasn't alone. My throbbing headache was gone and I suspected it was more to do with the medication I was on than anything else. I didn't have an answer to her question, except that bad things happened to good people, to bad people... It didn't matter. Stuff happened. I should know.

"The police are on their way. They want to take a statement."

"Oh," I said. Wait, which hospital was I in? "I'm at Naniamo?" I asked.

"Yeah," she replied. Lynn pulled up a chair and sat down "How's... your baby?" I asked. It thrilled me that there was a mini-Chris out there, even if that wasn't my real name. Chris was a name I chose for myself. Chris was who I was now.

"He's beautiful. He sleeps, eats, cries and poops. He's perfect."

"Mm," I said, trying to smile.

"I'll bring him by later."

"That would be nice."

My eyelids were heavy, my head was a bloated water balloon. I didn't know what more to say, so I just lay there.

"Hey," Lynn said, and I turned my head to her. "Did you find her?"

 _Who the hell are you? Let go of me! Leave me alone!_ Her last words echoed in my ears. "I don't.. I don't know..."

"You don't know?" Lynn asked.

"She doesn't know who I am..." I said. I shook my head. "I think... I think I just look like her husband or something..."

"But that kiss..." Lynn said, leaning forward. "I saw you guys kiss and it was like... Wow!"

"I felt something when I kissed her," I admitted. "I think... I think I remembered something... but..." I shook my head.

 _But Derek... I love you..._

"But?" Lynn questioned.

"I... don't know." I couldn't trust myself. What if my brain was just making stuff up? But my heart tugged and tore a crack in the thick wall I'd been building around it. "I had her... I had her and I lost her..."

Lynn swallowed and squeezed my hand. I huffed. I just felt so... angry with myself for giving up so easy, for letting my doubts consume me... "Lynn, I gave up, and now she's gone." I stared at the bland ceiling. How could I be so stupid?

"Chris, look at me." Lynn said sharply.

My head jerked over to her. I'd never heard her speak like that before. "You can't give up. Not now... You are so stupid sometimes."

"What?"

"You... God! What if she's the love of your life? What if she's been looking for the love of her life and she's given up? What if you have a family and a life you never imagined?"

I narrowed my eyes at her. "And what if I don't?" I practially shouted.

"So?"

So? So? How dare she say that to me? "So I find her and she... I'm not any of that, What if I don't have that? I can't..."

"No, you have to. You have to Chris. You literally have nothing to lose. If you go after her... if you find her and she's not... _what_ you've been missing, then you haven't lost anything to begin with. But if you find her... If you find her and she's everything?" Lynn stopped and shook her head. "Stop hiding your pain, Chris. Stop avoiding. It's time to get your heart out of that vault. You only live once."

"But..." I sputtered, but it was useless, I had nothing to say to that. Nothing. I had been running emotionally away. I thought I'd made peace with what Sarah did to me... but what I was really doing was hiding. "Oh..." I sighed, my fingers curling around the blanket.

"I'll be right back," Lynn said, getting up suddenly. I remained still in my bed, my mind and heart whirling.

I felt myself falling asleep, but was suddenly wakened by the cry of a baby. Blinking, I saw Lynn enter with Baby Christopher. "Hey," I said.

"Do you want to hold him?" She asked. "You should hold him, just for a minute."

Despite my headache, I pushed myself up as Lynn adjusted the bed. She carefully handed him over to me and I cradled him easily in my arms. He fussed and I cooed, settling him. "Hey now little guy, it's okay."

Something about staring into the eyes of a baby... seeing that soft sleepy expression. Holding fragility in your arms. A baby needs you. A baby will die without you. You are everything to him.

Staring at him, I realized I'd been fooling myself. I'd been trying to be 'safe.' Be 'sure.' But it was all lies. The truth was, I could get hurt at any moment, anytime, by anybody. Getting hit in the head with a gun by some random car-jacker was evidence enough of that.

If Lynn was right... Maybe everything was waiting for me. Maybe Meredith was everything. And if she wasn't? Then I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. But I'd live.

xxx

 **Nanaimo Derek November 23 2037**

I stared at my unappetizing breakfast. Cold porridge, a fruit cup, in which the fruit looked a little too ripe, and stale coffee. Knowing I had to eat a little before I'd be discharged, I forced a few bites.

"Mr. Robertson?" A booming voice called, but I didn't look up. I slowly edged in one more spoonful of oatmeal.

"Michael?" The voice called, but it was in the background of my thoughts. "Sir!"

I jerked up suddenly, dropping my spoon into the oatmeal with a 'plop'. "Huh?"

A tall police officer stood in the doorway of my room. "I'm here to take a statement from you, about what happened." He said, flipping a notebook open. "I'm officer Mackinnon."

I pushed my breakfast away and nodded, "Ask away." Although I couldn't really remember much, I could try. I summed up the story, I was sleeping in my truck, hungover. I'd given my keys to the bartender the night before. And then... wham slam bam, basically.

"Do you remember what he looked like?"

I shook my head. A big loud angry face was all I remembered, and there was nothing distinguishing that stuck out to me...

"One more thing," the officer said. "The paramedics said they didn't find your wallet on you when they were called to the scene, so we don't have any official ID, but when I ran your name through the system, the only Michael Robertson we found in the Nanaimo area was listed as deceased. Any explanation for that?"

I was completely thrown off guard. "What?" I stammered.

"According to our files, you were declared dead in the Tsunami years ago." Mackinnon continued, squinting at me suspiciously.

"Am I under arrest?" I asked.

"Well... no,"

"Well," I said, glaring. "I _am_ Michael Robertson. I don't know what your computer said, but it was a freaking tsunami that ripped through the entire western coastline. So I'm pretty sure mistakes were made." Lies. I was lying through my teeth, and I hated it, but it was a necessary evil.

"I understand," Mackinnon said slowly. "If you don't mind, as part of our investigation, I have to take some pictures."

"Fine," I huffed, as the officer took a few pictures. He gave me his card, "I'll be in touch."

xxx

 **December 2037 Derek. North Cove.**

It was some time before I felt signifcantly well enough to actively search for Meredith. At first, I didn't know where to start... but then an idea occured to me. I picked up my phone, it'd been awhile since I talked to her... but if anyone could help me, she could.

"Chelsea," I said, when her voicemail picked up. "This is Chris, the mysterious amnesiac man. I need your help."

xxx

 **Derek. Vancouver General Hospital.**

"You _bribed_ the janitor?" I asked Chelsea as I adjusted my white labcoat and tried to look doctor-y. "How much?"

"Um, you don't want to know..." the redhead said as she pulled the stethoscope around my neck.

"That much?" I blurted. Chelsea said she needed money to help her with this utterly bizarre and insane plan she'd cooked up in the space of a couple days. Now I knew why she needed _that_ much.

"Shut up okay? A janitor has a master key, that'll get us anywhere, and unfortunately, according to my sources, we can't just access it through any computer, unless I know the password, which I don't. I'm a reporter, not a hacker, and the hard copies of Meredith's chart would be stored for six months in the same unit she was admitted in."

"The ICU." I said. "You couldn't just bribe a nurse?"

"Nurses actually care about their patient's confidentiality. Besides, I'd have to bribe them a lot more, and then I wouldn't be able to get you the stethoscope to make you look professional."

"Oh." I said.

Chelsea pulled me into a trauma room. "Okay, remember how we rehearsed it. I'm the patient. You're the doctor transferring me to the ICU. Now, where are the hospital gowns?" We found one in a drawer. "Turn around," she hissed at me. I turned around and sighed as she changed. "I can't believe I'm doing this." she said.

"I can't believe _I'm_ doing this. I feel like a teenager. What if we get caught?"

I could hear the smile in her voice, "We run like hell."

"Run like hell. Right."

"Okay, I'm done. Got your badge and the card?"

I felt for the hard plastic under my fingers in my coat pocket. "Got it. How's my hair?"

"Dreamy. For an old guy anyway." Chelsea hopped up on the gurney.

I smirked. Somehow that sounded about right. I covered her up with a thin blanket, taped an IV onto her wrist and hooked a Nasal cannulae under her nose. "Okay, ready?"

She closed her eyes and let her tongue hang out of her mouth, playing dead.

"Chelsea, you need to be alive for me to transfer you to the ICU," I said.

"I knew that," she said and slipped her tongue back in her mouth.

I shook my head as I pushed the gurney through the sleek hallways of the hospital. It was late, and people didn't seem to notice or care what we were doing. At least that was the hope.

Chelsea had given me directions to the file room. We couldn't just barge in. The ICU was a tight knit group. That's why she came up with the idea that we could pretend to admit her. All we had to do was get past the red doors and then... Well I didn't know quite what to do then. BS. Make a bunch of stuff up, then Chelsea would make a run for it, and in the chaos, I'd find the file room and Meredith's original admitance chart, that would give us her last name and possibly an address.

Then run like hell.

The ICU doors loomed before me. I cracked my neck, loosed my shoulders, adjusted my tie. I had nothing to lose. Not anymore. I pressed the buzzer.

"Yes?"

I shoved my fake id badge into the lens of the camera. "I'm Dr. Hovan. I'm transferring this patient to the ICU."

"Patient name?"

"Uh, Samantha Barnes." I said, giving Chelsea a fake name.

There was a long pause. "We don't have her on the list..."

I picked up the metal clipboard and waved it. "Look, it's busy down there," I said, "Maybe they forgot, can you just confirm her chart? She has a subarachnoid aneurysm".

"Um... alright, one moment Dr. Hovan." I heard a click and a soft 'thud' as the door unlocked. I pushed the gurney in, and a couple nurses and orderlies came over. I glanced to my right. Down that hall, third door on the left was the file room.

"She's bleeding into her brain." I said arrogantly, trying to pass myself off as some know-it-all doctor. "She's not responding to any of our medication and she could sieze again any moment. I don't want to take anymore chances." Where did that come from? It sounded... so professional.

"Dr. Hovan," one of the nurses said, "You're a neurologist?"

"Even better, a _neurosurgeon._ " I smirked, walking further into the ICU with the chart. "Now if you'll just look here, at her patient number-" I started.

Suddenly one of the nurses yelped. "Hey, what're you doing? she called behind me.

Chelsea was off like a shot, she'd ripped off her IV and nasal tube and ran down the hall to the left.

The nurses, always quick on their feet, followed after, ordering her to stop. I heard them calling for security. Slipping down the hall to the right, I walked to the file room I'd cased out earlier and swiped the janitor's card.

The file room. The good news? It was all organised by date of _admittance._ I ran a finger through the months... April, May... June. I pulled the file out, flipped through the papers until I started to see the date of the 16th. And right under my finger was the name Meredith.

Meredith E. Grey.

My fingers trembled and inhaled sharply, my eyes watering. It was her. I folded the papers in half and shoved them in my pocket.

Now to run like hell. I poked my head out the door. The nurses had gone right, but ultimately the unit was 'C' shaped, so if Chelsea managed to stay ahead of them, we would meet up... there she was, running toward me, gown flapping. No one was behind her. I grabbed her elbow. "Where do we go now? I asked. The front entrance wasn't optional, they'd locked it down.

"Crap," she gasped. "Uh..." She peered left, then right. "The service elevator! That way!" I followed her back the way she came from before she dashed to the right. In front of us was an elevator. Behind us... two angry nurses, an orderly, and a security guard.

I swiped the janitor's card and jabbed the button several times. The door opened, we clambered in and I pressed the close button.

"Oh... what a rush..." I said as I felt the adreneline pumping through me... "It's like... we had a plan, we were in control but then-" I glanced at my partner in crime, "There's this moment where you don't know if you're actually gonna make it and then- Chelsea?" She wasn't listening, she was staring into space. I grabbed her shoulder, looked her in the eye. "Chelsea?"

"I feel dizzy," she said. "Theypokedmewithsomething," she slurred before falling into me.

xxx

I wasn't sure how I did it, but I managed to get us home without any further incident. Home being Chelsea's cramped basement suite. She'd been barely conscious, but I was sure it would only be a couple hours before the sedative wore off.

I plunked Chelsea on the couch, propped her up with a pillow and covered her with a blanket before pulling the papers out of my pocket. Meredith's chart. I couldn't believe I was doing this. Patient charts were extremely confidential. _Patients_ hardly saw them. And now I... a stranger or a knight in shining armour was looking at her chart.

My hands shook so hard I nearly dropped the papers. I closed my eyes and put them down... I couldn't read it. It felt like I was violating this woman. Chelsea's laptop rested on the kitchen table... another idea came to mind.

I googled 'Meredith Grey.'

She'd written a book about Alzheimer's. She was a doctor in Seattle. But wait... what was this? A video on youtube? A documentary? Wait... she _has_ Alzheimer's?

What the-?

I pressed play.

" _Is this thing on?"_ Meredith's voice rang like a bell, and I was pulled into the screen. The gorgeous Seattle skyline enchanted me, as did her eyes...

" _I'm Meredith Grey, and I was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's a year and a half ago."_

xxx

 **January 2038**

Dad?

I was a dad. I was still getting used to the idea. I imagine it would take me awhile. I'd just met Ellis a few hours ago. I didn't even know how she found me, we hadn't had time to talk, I'd been so intent on getting to Meredith, that... well, that was Ellis' story to tell really.

It was Meredith who pulled back from me, gasping slightly, her lips deliciously pink and swollen. "Ellis?" she said looking behind me.

I looked up the stairs. The young man that stood there must be Bailey. My son. Derek Bailey Shepherd. And beside him, my beautiful adopted daughter Zola.

"Oh my God!" She gasped. "Dad?"

I looked at Meredith, then Zola, Bailey and finally Ellis, and I knew...

This was everything. This was it. This was home.

"Hi," I said.

 **A/N:** Okay, I'm going to stop here... Oh man! This was the most difficult chapter to write ever! But thanks so much everybody, for your support! I feel like I know some of you. It's been a year since I first posted this and holy crap, I'm still writing!

Please Review!


	37. Falling Apart

**A/N:** Oh man... thanks everyone for your support! Thanks Patsy, for your prayers, you will be in mine as well, and thanks to those who wished me well. My family is doing well, thank you. We are just realizing now how much work it is to take care of someone who is slowly deteriorating mentally and physically, and the biggest difference is the speed in which we can get things done. What used to take us ten to fifteen minutes to do with dad, now takes an hour, and the emotional and mental energy drain is always a constant. So just bear with me as I work on this within my busy schedule.

I really am amazed at how well Zola, Bailey and Ellis have been recieved by this audience. There are parts of me in all of them, Zola the caregiver, Bailey the investigator, Ellis the dreamer. So seeing that you are so invested in them just blows me away!

I spent my entire day off working on this, this is a two parter, the second half will be up in a couple days as I am almost finished, but just don't have time tomorrow as I work a double.

Tying up a lot of loose ends, connecting a lot of dots. You'll see.

 **Enjoy!**

 **Less than 24 hours ago: Ellis**

"I gotta get to work," Zola said, shrugging her coat on. "I've been trying to get mom to take a bath... but," she shook her head. "Maybe she'll listen to you..."

I nodded, "I'll try," I said.

Zola picked up her bag, and I realized how tired she looked. She'd been taking the brunt of the work caring for mom, all the while doing her own incredibly impossible job. I felt bad because while I had been working too, I wasn't as absorbed in mom's care as she was.

I would be so relieved when Bailey was finally here. We'd been talking a little bit about what to do next, our next steps, as mom had been going downhill for a while now, and the medication she was on didn't appear to be working.

Were we going to put her in a home?

I didn't know.

All I knew was that we needed help.

There was crash and a startled yelp from upstairs. Zola stopped at the door, alarmed.

"It's fine," I said, "Go, or you'll be late."

My stubborn sister hesitated.

" _Go,_ " I insisted. I waved her away while I marched up the stairs, two at a time. "Mom?" I called, peering into the rooms down the hall.

"Who's stuff is this?" she growled from Bailey's room. I quickly stepped inside to see what was going on. The movers had just come with Bailey's stuff, and Zola and I had spent an hour or so stacking boxes, setting up the bed, and unpacking some of it for him, as he had a huge thirty-six hour shift at the hospital and would be beat by the time he got home.

"It's Bailey's," I said, noticing a broken alarm clock on the floor.

Mom pulled out some of his clothes and held them up. "Bailey's? Bailey doesn't live here... what are you talking about?"

"Your son, Bailey?" I asked.

"What?" she wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "I don't have a kid," and then she paused and looked down at herself, "Do I?"

"It's okay," I soothed. I learned a long time ago not to argue or try to tell her what the reality really was. Distraction seemed to work best, "don't worry about it. Do you want to help me downstairs?"

"But I- Who's stuff is this?"

"C'mon, I'll tell you when we get downstairs." I offered my hand.

"Okay. Someone should fix those things, they're crooked or something."

xxx

I gave mom the vacuum and let her do the floors while I dusted and organized.

"So who's stuff was that upstairs?" Mom asked again. "Who's moving in now? Alex? I thought Izzie didn't want him here."

"Oh," I shrugged, "I guess she changed her mind?"

"She should just fuck him and get it over with," mom muttered as she pushed the vaccuum over the rug.

"Mom!" I exclaimed. Mom had no filter anymore so stuff just came out.

"What?! It's obvious she has feelings for him... I mean she sees stuff in him that's good that I didn't even realize until I told him I wished my mother had cancer. He can be a good guy, if he'd just get over the stupid asshole part of himself, God."

I stopped my dusting and stared. Mom continued vaccuuming, oblivious. Judging from her mentions of Izzie and Alex and her mother, I supposed she was reliving her residency. Part of me wanted to just agree with her, and move the conversation along, but...

She wished her mom had cancer? "You wanted your mom to have cancer?" I asked. Mom pulled the vaccuum up and blinked at me.

"I- I don't... I... It's just so hard, you don't get it. I don't have anybody. I thought maybe I had Derek, but... turns out he has a wife. My mother is all I have, and she doesn't even remember me most of the time. She remembered Liz though, her scrub nurse. But me? Her daughter? Why would she remember me? I'm just another disappointment to her." And then like nothing happened, like she hadn't said anything significant, she continued vaccuuming the same spot on the rug.

I put my dirty rag down and pushed through the door to the kitchen. I just needed a minute.

xxx

Later, I finally gathered the courage for the battle to come. The bath battle. What was it about dementia and baths? I didn't get it. Whatever. Usually, I could convince her with a few carefully constructed sentences, but it seemed to get harder and harder. If I could just get her under the water, that was all we needed.

"Mom?" I called out, padding to her room.

She lay on her stomach on top of the covers, her head resting on her folded arms. Had she been crying? Her eyes were glistening.

"Hey," I said softly, sitting on the corner of the bed. "Are you okay?"

She shrugged. "I don't know... I feel..." she struggled to speak, lost in her own world. "I have this feeling... I feel like... I-I," she shook her head, sniffed. "I'm so tired."

"You know what helps me when I'm tired?" I said, "A nice bath."

Mom raised an eyebrow, "A bath? A bath sounds good."

That was spectactularly easy."Okay, I'll go get your towel."

xxx

I waited in Mom's room with a book while she took her bath. The bathroom door was half open, so I could hear if she needed help.

I checked my watch. A couple more minutes, I thought. But then I realized it'd been quiet for a little too long.

"Mom?" I called at the threshold of the door. "Mom?" I stepped inside, not sure what to expect. Wait, where was she? I panicked and dashed closer to the tub. There she was, completely submerged underwater, eyes closed, throat bulging as she seemed to resist breathing.

My body acted before my mind could process what I was seeing. I reached in and pulled her up. Coughing and sputtering, she struggled against me, twisting her body, leaning her weight against me, I struggled to hold her up, she was so slippery.

"Let me go! Don't touch me!"

"Mom, what are you doing?" I asked, finally pulling her completely out of the tub.

"I was taking a bath!"

"That didn't look like a bath to me!" I said, panicking.

"So what? What does it matter to you?" she yelled.

"It matters a lot, you're my mother!"

"You want me to live?"

"Yes."

"Yeah? You want this? A mother who doesn't remember you? A father who's never around? I don't know what- I-"

"Mom-"

"No! Everybody does everything for me... all the time. I-I don't remember, but I _feel_ it. I feel it, I can't remember what a – a fork does, or how to do my hair... or how to to- to put my shoes in my feet. I used to... I was great, you know... I was a surgeon, a doctor. My whole life was about -about- about-" she stuttered for the word "-zipping people together. Fixing sickness- and now- I can't-"

"Mom," I had to get her off this track. I grabbed her robe and tried to wrap it around her but she pushed me away.

"No!" she screamed.

"Mom!"

"I don't want your help! What are you doing here? You should be in college, you should be getting engaged, or meeting guys in bars who turn out to be your boss and you marry them on post-it's. You should be extraordinary. I don't want you-" she sputtered, and snatched the robe from my hands. " _Bathing_ me-"

"So, what mom, you wanna die?"

"I don't know! I don't fucking know!" She wrapped the robe around herself, pulling tightly on the belt.

"Well, I don't want you to die, okay? Not yet. We're not finished."

"We should be. You should let me go... just let me go... I'm losing- I can't- Derek's gone- and I can't put all my brain back together. I try to put it back together every time I wake up, but it's _so hard._ "

"Mom, we're family, and we do this because we love each other. I take care of you because I love you, okay? And everything else?" I shrugged. "It doesn't really matter right now _._ "

"No! No! If you loved me you'd let me go... let me go! I can't do this anymore! I can't hold on for you... Pieces. I'm breaking and I can't- I'm so tired I just want to-"

"What mom? Die?"

"Disappear."

"No, you don't get to. Dad already got to do that trick, so I'm not letting you."

"You think I _like_ being reminded to bathe? Or to _eat_? Or not knowing where I am or who you are or what-what-" she gestured uselessly. "I know you're important to me, and I know I love you, but I can't-" an angry sob escaped her lips as she shook her head, "remember your name."

"Ellis," I said softly. "My name is Ellis."

"Ellis," mom whispered. "I can't do this anymore. I tried."

"No." I shook my head. "No, there's still hope, mom. We are so close to a cure... A year, or two or five..."

"Please!"

"No!" I jabbed a finger at her. "You are so fricken selfish! This isn't just about you, you don't get to decide right now that you just wanna give up and die. You don't, because you have _three_ children, who, everyday get to spend time with their mother. And yeah, it's a little messed up because of stupid Alzheimers, but _you_ are needed here. You remind us, everyday, just by being you how precious life is, how important every minute is, because the next might be gone. So you don't get to die... or disappear, or whatever it is you're planning on doing. I won't let you."

"I can't... I can't..." Mom gasped, and I grabbed her, wanting to pull her close to me, comfort her, but she fought against me, trying to push me.

"Mom," I murmured. She was remarkably strong. I pulled her out of the bathroom, and she fought me the entire way, twisting and writhing, pulling and pushing. What was going on? What was she thinking? I just knew I had to get her to the bed.

Finally, I got her there, and pushed her down. I straddled her as she fought against me and I held her wrists. "I don't want-" she cried.

"I know mom," I replied. "I know... shh," I stilled her arms, and felt her relaxing, tired out from the bath and the fight. "Shh..."

"It's so hard," she whimpered.

"I know..." I soothed. I wasn't really a hugger, like Zola, but I lay down beside her and wrapped my arms around her anyway.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"It's okay," I replied.

Eventually she fell into a deep slumber, and I knew she'd be out for a couple hours at least. I put out some pajama's for her... and then, I couldn't stand being home anymore. Knowing Zola would be home in an hour or so, I left.

xxx

I arrived at Cory's on my scooter with a bottle of Tequila. I pounded on the door. There was no answer. Stupid boyfriend. But I had a spare, so it didn't matter. I let myself in, "Cory?" I called out, no answer. He was probably still working. He worked part-time as a cook at a restaurant not far from here. I debated going to him, but the bottle of tequila called to me.

I cracked it open and took a swig. On the coffee table there was a new batch of pictures. Figures, he just got back from BC. I was supposed to go with him, but with mom the way she was...

I stared at the pictures on the coffee table. The Tsunami. Or as I called it, the Death Wave. A hundred thousand people died on the West Coast, tens of thousands more missing or injured.

I was one of the lucky ones. I survived. Through some strange fluke, I didn't really remember how exactly I survived, but I did. And so did Bailey and Zola. But my dad...

 _Ellis!_

I shook my head and sipped the vile liquid, I couldn't help myself anymore. My mom was so messed up right now... and it hurt. And I couldn't- I couldn't- How could she want to die? Just give up? What was so horrible about forgetting stuff anyway?

"Bleah," the tequila worked down my throat. Pushing through Cory's batch of pictures absently, one picture caught my attention. Two people standing in front of a sailboat. I picked it up idly, dad had a sailboat scrubcap. Wait... that was mom and Cristina. Wait- the boat... That was my name. My name was on a freaking boat! I flipped the picture over. In childlike writing, the details of the day were written, down to the temperature and windspeed. But what got me was the date. June 16th 2034.

 _Flashback: June 2034_

" _Mom!" I snapped, "For five years you've been taking off to God-knows-where doing God-knows-what with God-knows-who on the anniversary of Dad's disappearance. You think that doesn't bother us?" I stared angrily at my mother. She stared coldly back. I knew I hurt her. But she hurt me too. Every year she was gone, she left us alone with Aunt Amy and Owen to grieve Dad at the memorial, and... honestly, I hated her for it. Why couldn't she be there for us that day? She was supposed to be there. She was supposed to be looking for dad..._

" _I go fishing," Mom said._

" _Fishing?" I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. Is this the Alzheimers thing again? Was she messing up her words? "Cristina is coming from Switzerland to take you fishing?"_

 _Mom looked down at her fingers, "Um..."_

" _Mom!" I hissed. I wanted an answer. A real answer. Not 'um'._

 _Mom slid off her stool and walked to the desk, picking up a red folder and pulling out some papers. She sighed and handed them to me. I snatched them out of her fingers and stared at them. Two flights. One from here to Vancouver BC, the other to Naniamo, and then... A hotel booking, in North Cove BC. "Oh," I said. She went there without me? How could she? Why? Why would she go without us?_

 _Probably to get plastered, I thought bitterly, watching her slump on the couch. I wanted to yell at her, scream... but I didn't see the point right now, so I left, slamming the door behind me._

 _xxx_

 _I put it out of my mind, but after a crazy shift at the cafe, I decided to take a walk down at the docks and watch the ferryboats. It was that time of year again, and it was hard not to think about dad. I thought about him a lot actually, just wondering what happened. Where had he gone?_

 _All I remember was that he was there in one moment, and gone the next. Unconsciously I rubbed the scar between my thumb and forefinger, feeling the faint indent. They hadn't stitched it up, it was too late, and it had healed on it's own. A constant reminder of That Day._

 _I bought a little bag of breadcrumbs and trasversed the pier, tossing small handfulls onto the water and along the rocky shore for the birds. The salty moist air tingled around me, but the breeze felt so warm._

 _Although cloudy, not a drop of rain had fallen from the Seattle sky, and I was grateful. Finally, I sat down on bench, not really wanting to go anywhere just yet._

" _Fancy seeing you here," a deep familiar voice boomed._

 _I looked up to see Richard Webber, my kind-of-Grandpa. "What are you doing here?" I blurted, without so much as a hello or anything._

 _Richard raised an eyebrow and gazed out at the ocean spread before us. "Oh, I'm here almost everyday," he said mildly, shuffling to sit beside me. I nodded, of course he was. "Beautiful, isn't it?" he asked._

 _I shrugged. I wasn't really in the mood for small talk._

" _This must be hard for you. Five years ago this time, you lost your father."_

 _I inhaled sharply and threw some more crumbs in front me. I didn't want sympathy, but strangely I didn't want to be alone. "I miss him."_

" _Hm." It came out a soft low rumble. "It's hard growing up without a father."_

 _I hated the sound of sympathy, so I didn't bother with a filter. Not today. Not now. "You know what's hard?" I asked Richard bluntly, "Finding out your mother doesn't want to be there for you on the one day you need her to."_

 _Richard blinked, his dark brown eyes reflecting the clouds in the sky. "What do you mean?"_

" _She goes away, every year... to freaking North Cove. Where we lost him. And she never thought to invite us? She never thought... maybe we'd wanna come too?"_

 _Richard leaned back on the bench and crossed his arms. "I think... I think she thought about that all the time."_

" _But she never invited us," I choked. "So she didn't want us there. Why?" I would have loved to go there, to North Cove... maybe someone knew something, maybe we'd find a clue, maybe..._

 _I shoved a hand into the bag to withdraw another handful of crumbs which I threw angrily onto the rocks._

 _The waves crashed. Gulls chirped. I missed him. And mom... she was supposed to be there... that day, she was supposed to be there, but she had this stupid book thing for her Alzheimers treatment, and... If she had just been there, none of this would've happened. It was all her fault. "But why does she have to go away every year? What does she do? Fishing? I... don't understand."_

" _Ellis, have you ever seen your mother upset?"_

" _Of course," I muttered._

" _No... I-I mean, have you ever seen her just... break down? In front of everybody? In front of you?"_

" _I..." I thought about it, she snapped at me sometimes. We yelled and fought quite a bit, but that wasn't breaking down... Mom cried sometimes at night, when she thought we were all asleep. And for more than a year, she slept on the couch. But break down? Like fall apart? "I don't know..." I said. She was always so stoic... always kept everything inside._

" _I know you blame her... I know that you hate her for not being there that day. But you're not the only one. She feels the same way. She blames herself. She hates herself."_

 _I shook my head, not believing his words. "But she gave up..." I said, "She gave up looking for him. I begged her-"_

" _She prioritized!" Richard interrupted, his tone harsh enough to cause me to flinch. "She had to raise three kids, she had to put food on the table. She had to comfort you."_

" _I don't recall a lot of comforting," I said. I remembered a lot of therapy, and snapping biting, angry words._

" _She tried..."_

 _I remembered her knocking on my door when I didn't feel like eating, or trying to compliment my schoolwork, or that weird night when she was drunk... "Maybe," I said._

" _You know the story about your grandmother?" Richard asked._

" _Huh?" Mom didn't really talk about her mother to me. But then, I never showed much of an interest. I knew Richard and Ellis were in love because hello- Maggie!_

" _I left your Grandmother, the love of my life, I left her. And she nearly died because of it. I broke her. Practically broke myself too. I turned to alcohol, and your grandmother flew across the country and raised Meredith alone. Everyone said later, how strong Ellis Grey was... that she was a talented, gifted, extraordinary surgeon, and she was..."_

" _But?"_

" _She buried herself in her work, she neglected Meredith while holding her to higher standards. Meredith was always a disappointment to her mother. Ellis may have been a great surgeon, but she missed the mark when it came to raising a daughter." He sighed, and placed a hand on my knee. "But your mother didn't. She tried. There were many sleepless nights while she tried to find Derek, there was a lot of drama those first few months, but she tried. And when she realized that things were falling apart, she had to make an awful choice. Search for the love of her life, or mend her broken family."_

 _Put like that-_

 _I could feel my throat constrict. I huffed. Why couldn't I just let this go?_

" _You love your dad so much," Richard said, like he was reading my mind. "You feel like he would want you to find him, to search him out. You feel like you're betraying him... but it was a Tsunami, Ellis. A devastating natural disaster that no one could've ever expected. Any number of impossible things could've happened."_

" _I just... she should've been there! She should be here now, at the memorial and not in freaking Canada going fishing and probably getting drunk out of her mind."_

" _But don't you see-" Richard started_

" _Argh! Why is this so hard!" I exclaimed._

" _It's not hard. You just need a little perspective. See the bigger picture. Wanna know what that is?"_

" _What?"_

" _She's been here, this whole time, these last five years. Every year, she has to hold in her own pain and grief so she can raise you, pay for your school, put food on the table. Everyday. Even when her own heart is breaking, she doesn't show it. Maybe she should, but she doesn't know any better. All she knows is that she can't fall apart, because if she does she might not make it, and there's no McDreamy to glue her shattered heart back together. So she buries it. Swallows it down, holds it in. And once a year, when she feels safe enough, she can grieve... just let it all out, release it all. Talk to her husband. But for every other day of the year, she's been here for you this whole time. Maybe she hasn't been the easiest to get along with, but frankly, you don't make it easy."_

" _No..." I sighed. "I don't."_

" _Forgive her. Forgive her for making the wrong choice. Forgive her for not knowing how to deal with you... for not knowing what to do to make it better."_

 _Out on the water, the ferryboat drifted by. A loud horn blared, announcing its intent to dock. "Richard, that day... something happened, and I don't remember what but- I... don't know if I'm ready."_

" _You will be, someday. But she's going to need you now more than ever, so you have to figure something out."_

" _She made me grilled cheese," I said._

 _Richard's brow creased._

 _I shrugged. "I don't know, just... she made me grilled cheese and I poured her coffee and we were almost normal and happy until I opened my fat mouth and broke her." She has freaking Alzheimers for god's sake, and I can't be even the slightest bit nice to my mother._

" _Well, then it's time you went about fixing it."_

 **Now:**

"Ellis?" Cory called. He waved his hand in front of me. I looked up at him, took a huge gulp of the tequila. I hadn't even noticed him coming in.

I coughed, and hacked, after all these years I still wasn't used to the strong taste of Jose Cuevero. "My mom's falling apart and I can't put her back together," I said, sipping the liquor. "And what the hell is this?" I flapped the picture in front of him.

He picked it up and stared at it. "Oh yeah, I picked these up at North Cove. Haven't had a chance to go through them all yet." Then he frowned as he looked closer. "Whoa, that's weird, the boat has your name on it."

"Yeah, and that's my freaking mother!"

"What?" He squinted, "Yeah, I guess it is... holy crap. How come she didn't say anything?"

"She has Alzheimers, she probably thought she was seeing things." And then she probably forgot. "So... you think it means something?"

Cory just stared at the picture thoughtfully. "I need some coffee," he said, getting up.

"Sometimes," I rambled, taking another swig of the tequila, "I think he's still out there. It's stupid, cause if he was alive he'd have found us by now, right?"

"So what? He's laying in a coma in a hospital somewhere?"

I shrugged, sighed. "I don't know."

"Hmm," Cory sat down beside me. "I have an idea," he pulled out his tablet and clicked on the internet browser.

"Wait, you're going to google the picture?"

"Not google, that's too broad. I'll use Journalscape."

"Journalscape?"

"It's a journalism tool. It searches articles, blogs... stuff like that."

"You're so smart, I have sucha smart boyfriend," I leaned on his chest to watch him type in the words sailboat, Ellis, North Cove, Tsunami.

"And you're drunk," he rumbled, kissing the top of my head.

"Not that drunk," I murmured. But I put the bottle down.

It took a couple seconds to load, but suddenly a result appeared.

Two results.

An archived blog, and a local newspaper article. "Holy Crap!" I shoved a finger at the uploaded image. "Holy- Cory- that's- It can't be-"

Looking back at me in classic black and white, was my father.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**

 **A/N:** Thanks everyone, more on how Derek and Ellis find each other next chapter. Good luck on your exams J8doll!

Please review! If you want something to tide you over, you can read my New Story, **Gone Baby Gone.**


	38. Back Together

**A/N:** Thanks Everyone! As promised!

 _Flashback:_

 _I'd been staring at the shoreline through my binoculars, sea lions, about fifty of them, lined the shore sunbathing like fat sausages. Amazing. I was looking at real life wild animals. Not like the zoo, or on TV._

 _Someone shouted, "Orca!" and everyone moved to the other side of the boat. I remained there, however, I didn't want to push through all those people just to maybe get a glimpse of something when I had a good view right here..._

 _Beside me, Dad squinted at the blobs in the distance and half smiled at me. It was too bad mom was missing this... but then, she wasn't big into the outdoors like dad was. She was always reading or researching or on the phone with other doctors. Dad said she was on TV right now... talking about her medical breakthrough thing. Whatever that was. I shrugged, maybe to her, she wasn't missing much, but I missed her._

 _Just then, the boat jerked. Everyone shrieked and screamed. I hit my wrist on the railing and dropped my binoculars. I reached for them, but grabbed something else instead, something so heavy I almost fell down with it, except I managed to grab the other rail._

 _And then there was pain- and my body thundered with panic and adreneline, and I thought I heard my dad yell my name before a sharp stabbing pain struck my hand... and then..._

 _I must've blacked out or something, because I don't remember what happened after that._

 _I remembered feeling wet, and staring angrily at my brother as Zola hovered over me, checking me over... and then they said that dad was gone, he'd fallen overboard, and I thought it was weird because hadn't he been right beside me?_

 _I didn't believe them, I thought they were lying, playing some trick on me, but then I tuned into the chaos around me and realized that something really bad happened. But he'd been right there, right beside me... smiling at me. And then...where did he go? What happened?_

xxx

 **Now:**

"That's him... I mean I don't get the beard, but- that's... that's him." Suddenly sober, I scrabbled for the tablet, soaking up every word of the article. "The fuck- he lost his memory?"

Cory reached over and pointed, "Wait- what's that? A video?"

I tapped on it and enlarged it to take over the screen.

" _Hello, my name is Chelsea Brandt,"_ The screen shifted, and a young red headed girl appeared. _"I'm a journalism student from Van U, I'm here in Nanaimo, BC to track down rumour of an amnesiac man who now works for Vancouver Island Search and Rescue."_

"No freaking way!" Cory exclaimed pausing the video on the nerdy girl's face. "I know her!"

"What?! What the hell- you _know_ her?"

"We have integrated online classes, she's one of my contacts."

"Oh my God! Call her! Call her right freaking now! She knows my dad!"

"I don't have a number, I just have her on Messenger..."

"Well fine... Message her then, quick. Please..." I added.

Cory bent over his phone and thumbed through his contact list, his sandy hair drooping over his eyes. He typed something in and then sighed... "Okay, hopefully it won't take long."

Now all we had to do was wait. My finger hovered over the screen... right there... in front of me, was everything I needed to know about what happened to my dad.

Cory put his hand over mine and we pressed 'play' together.

 _Flashback:_

 _August 2034_

" _This is for you," Mom thrust the worn red notebook into my hands. I looked up at her, shocked. "All the numbers... all the people I called, trying to find... your Dad. I know you haven't given up yet, so..." And then she pushed up from her chair and ran inside._

 _I stared at the book, felt it's worn coffee stained pages under my fingers, saw the faded scribbles and notes._

 _The first half of the book was well worn, and as I thumbed through I realized that for the first two or three months, she had called everyday. Sometimes twice. Sometimes more. After that, it was every second day... and then less and less as she returned to work. But it wasn't for lack of trying. At first, mom had had a list of probably fifty or more people and hospitals, but as each week went by, the list got shorter and shorter. Names and places were crossed off as they were eliminated. Now, near the end of the book, just two or three remained. And a new list... A list of morgues._

" _You okay?" Bailey asked, looking up at me over his food._

 _I didn't know. I shrugged. "I'm gonna go... I need to go. Can I take the car?" I asked Zola._

 _She shrugged, "Yeah, go ahead, but I need it tomorrow."_

 _Oh yeah, the lawyers meeting. "I'll call a taxi then." I wasn't sure if I'd be back tomorrow. I walked back inside carrying the book lightly in my hands._

 _It was quiet in the house, and I plodded through the living room to my room to grab my bag and jacket._

" _Have you seen my phone?" Mom asked from down the hall. "I swear it was in my purse... but-" her voice trailed off as she entered her room. I rolled my eyes, it was a never ending battle, looking for lost keys, her wallet, purse, shoes... phone, whatever. Usually, we could find the items within a couple minutes of searching. Sometimes she even had it in her hand as we searched. Often, mom would forget that she was even looking for something and just sit down on the couch and stare._

 _I hoped the latter would happen. What did she need her phone for now anyway?_

 _Bailey and Zola came back in the house, carrying leftovers. My brother handed me the wine. "Put this in the fridge?" he asked._

" _Sure." I picked up the wine bottle and opened the fridge. There was mom's phone. I giggled. "Well, I didn't know phones needed to be refrigerated," I said as I picked it up. It buzzed in my hand, a new message had arrived._

 _Curious, I looked at it. It was a reply to an email. Mom had emailed the lawyer. When I read it, shock coursed through my system. I couldn't believe it. She was going to sign a death declaration. She was going to kill dad. A sudden surge of anger burst in me, I'd forgiven her... I'd forgiven her for giving up on dad, I'd forgiven her for not being there- but this?_

 _It was a stab to the gut._

" _Where's my freaking phone?" Mom yelled from the back hallway. "I hate this! I hate it! I can never find anything!"_

 _I walked into her room and called her, "Mom, I found your phone."_

" _Oh... you did? Thank you, I need it. I'm expecting a message."_

 _I handed her the phone and closed the door gently behind me. I didn't want Bailey or Zola to get involved. "Oh, from the lawyer?" I asked._

" _Yeah, I have a meeting... and then-" she stopped and looked up at me. "You saw," she said._

 _For someone with dementia, mom could be strangely perceptive._

" _Why?" I rasped._

" _You weren't supposed to know... "Mom nervously played with her fingers,"you weren't-"_

" _Just tell me why? You can't- you can't do this. I won't let you."_

" _I don't want to El, But I- I have to..."_

" _No you don't" I argued._

" _Yes," her voice took on a harder edge. "I do, Ellis, I'm sorry. I should've told you. All of you. I have to do this, El, if you want me to be here for awhile, I have to."_

 _I shook my head, "Mom, What are you talking about?"_

 _Her grey eyes shifted up and she sighed. "It costs six hundred a bottle for my meds, did you know that? And um..." She counted on her fingers, "Twenty five hundred every two months for a detailed MRI, and, um... I can't remember the rest, but it's a lot, and I know, it looks like we're well off, but if I had to actually pay a mortgage, we probably would be losing the house right now."_

" _What?" I had been in a happy naive bubble. We were bordering on being broke? How did this happen?_

 _Mom saw the questions on my face. "I thought I had more time... I thought I had a few more years, to prepare for these things. pay off Bailey's college, start planning for yours, and retirement-" She shook her head. "But this stupid alzheimers is taking everything from me."_

 _I was still confused. "I thought you and dad had a lot of money... I thought-"_

" _Derek and I had separate accounts for the biggest chunks of our money." Mom said quietly. "Most of your dad's money was invested, but they are all in his name."_

" _Can't you just say he's missing? Like act on his behalf? Power of Attorney or whatever?"_

 _She shook her head, and I suddenly realized how exhausted she looked. She must be, she spent the entire day treated like a lab rat. "I wish I could," she croaked. "But it doesn't work like that. They won't release any assets until... until..." She looked up at me, eyes glassy with tears._

" _You declare him dead." I finished what she couldn't say._

" _Yes... But it's just paper right? Signing a paper doesn't really make him dead- right?" Now she was asking **me**. Needing reassurance from **me**. God, I'd forgotten how much she loved him. How much she needed him._

" _Come here mom," I walked over to her and hugged her. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."_

 _At Cory's that night, I stared at the red book, sipping tequila. Cory plunked himself on the couch beside me, wrapping me in his arms. "What's up?" he asked, looking over my shoulder._

" _I have to keep trying..." My finger trailed the highlighted list of numbers. "We have to keep working on this." He couldn't be dead. He was not allowed to be dead._

 _Cory kissed my cheek softly. "Okay."_

 **Now:**

I watched, shaking with fear, hope, happiness, anxiety... every emotion in the book. He was alive? He'd been alive this whole time? I couldn't believe it. The video was filmed in 2035. He was still out there?

" _Well, after the tsunami,I... um, a lot of things happened you know? And my life- well I felt like I was drowning. I didn't know who I was anymore..."_

I touched the screen, I wished I was touching his face. He looked so old. I mean, healthy (dad was always a health nut...) but, he looked... underneath that tough optimistic exterior, there was a sadness in his eyes.

I watched him tell his story... it was strange... To hear his voice again, see his familiar gestures, the way he got animated as he dove into the story of how he saved that woman... Strange, that all this was familiar to me, but it wasn't exactly _dad._ Because he'd lost a part of himself.

He was trying all these things, living this crazy life, but it wasn't him, and he knew it.

 _I just don't know who I am anymore._

" _I kept seeing **her.** "_ He explained, _"In the ambulance, and I'm doing compressions, but she's so cold and blue..."_ he shook his head. _"Just blue and pale. I can't see her face though, that's what freaks me out. I can't see it. I don't know what she looks like only that I love her, and she's dying and-"_ He gasped, and released a sob. Palms wiping his red eyes, he blinked at the camera, _"It just feels so real."_

And, like magic, as the video faded out and credits rolled, Cory's phone rang. We stared at each other in amazement. Well? I waved at him to answer it. He nodded, hit the 'talk' key and put the phone on speaker.

"Hello?" he said nervously.

I wanted to scream, 'Where the hell is my dad?' but I bit my lip

"Hey," Chelsea's vague Valley Girl voice came over the speaker, "Tell me you know something about Derek Shepherd..."

That threw Cory off guard, "Uh..." he stammered.

"He's my dad!" I shouted. "Where is he? Is he still alive? Can you find him?"

Now it was Chelsea's turn to be off guard, "Sorry, what?"

"Derek Shepherd is my dad!" I snatched the phone off the table, holding it up to my face, "I'm his daughter, Ellis. Where is he?"

"Put me on video!" Chelsea suddenly demanded, and I immediately complied, wanting to see her too. Inside, my heart lept and burned like fire. I was so close...

A second later, Chelsea appeared on the screen, and she raised her eyebrows in shock. "Oh my freaking... you look just like him."

"Yeah, whatever, where is he?"

At this she suddenly frowned. "Yeah... about that. He's trying to sneak across the border as we speak."

"Sneak across?" Cory blurted as I struggled for air. He was coming here. He was looking for us. My hands gripped Cory's forearm, and I was sure my nails dug into his skin a little too tightly.

"Well... It's kinda a long story, but his Canadian ID isn't valid. He tried last week to legit get across, but they turned him away." Chelsea replied. "He's lucky he didn't get arrested. And he still can't officially prove he's an American citizen because according to the records, Derek Shepherd is dead. So the Stupid Head decided to sneak across the border. I don't know where he is right now, I tried to call him, but I think he's in a no service area."

"Well he _has_ to be somewhere..." I insisted.

Chelsea rolled her eyes, " 'Mr. Search and Rescue' left me a map, should anything happen. I'll take a pic and send it to you."

"Thanks," I said, and I couldn't stop the swell in my throat. "Oh my god, thanks so much for finding him... for... I-" I stammered.

Chelsea regarded me carefully. "He's an amazing man. He's been through a lot. He wanted to find you so badly, but... he was scared of getting hurt, of trusting someone who would take advantage. Don't be too hard on him for not finding you sooner."

I shook my head. "I just want to hug him."

Chelsea's eyes teared up. "Yeah, I think he'd like that." Her gaze flashed up to Cory. "We'll keep in touch okay? This could possibly be something incredible for your book."

Cory nodded, but looked over to me, "We'll see," he said with a half smile.

The map revealed his route through Abbottsford, and then again through the Cascades Mountain range. But most importantly, it revealed dad's itinery. He should've already arrived.

"We have to go," I said, jumping up. "Mt. Baker, it's not far from here."

"Okay," Cory said.

xxx

Mt. Baker is ski country, and Cory's truck groaned and shimied as we ground up and down through the pass. Finally we came to a wider space, nestled near the base of the mountain, where a trio of hotels and tourist-y shops and service were spread about.

It was dark, and late. No one was around. We parked in front of a cheap motel. The cool mountain air chilled my body, and I wished I'd been smart enough to have something heavier than my two sweaters.

But according to the itinerary... he should be here.

Cory parked the truck and we just sat there. My breath billowed in small vapour clouds as I stared ahead. It was actually very possible, that my father, my _father,_ was here in this building.

It was possible he would remember me.

It was also possible that he wouldn't.

I picked up my wallet and phone and stuck them in the pouch of my hoodie. "Let's go."

xxx

It's really easy to bribe motel desk people, they never get paid enough anyway. I made my way up the outside stairs to the second floor, Cory barely keeping in step behind me.

"El..." he called, breathless.

But I paid him no attention. 201, room 201. I bounded down the hallway, passing each door with a glance. I had to find room 201. There it was. 201 was engraved in black against a bronze colored plate. Two-oh-one.

What separated me from my father was a door.

Stomach acid roiled up in me, and I swallowed hard. My face flushed with heat, my body trembled, and suddenly it all erupted out. "Oh," I said, wiping my mouth with my sleeve.

 _Ellis!_

 _Dad!_

 _Ellis! You have to-_

 _No!_

"El," Cory said as he held on to me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah..." I swallowed, "I'm okay."

Cory squeezed my elbow and I glanced up at him. "Thank you," I said. Who knew? Who knew that through my relationship with him I'd be reunited with my father? I certainly didn't. Yet here we were. I leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips. _Thank you._

I turned to face the door and knocked.

Time moved glacially slow. My foot tapped on it's own accord, and I stared at it to distract myself. _Tap-tap-tap._ I waited. The wind blew, and I shivered and rubbed my stomach anxiously. God I was a mess.

But he was on the other side of the door.

Right?

There was a shuffle, and a click, and the door opened. There he was, tired, weary, silver hair lined with black and sticking out everywhere. A thick beard covered his face, but it was him. We shared the same eyes. The same nose.

Derek Christopher Shepherd.

He blinked in confusion. "Um..."

He didn't remember. He didn't remember me. I... oh god, what was I thinking? The love of his life has Alzheimers... what if, what if he doesn't want...

I stumbled back and ran, pushing past Cory. I ran down the stairs. I thought I heard my name being called, but I didn't think about it. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? I wasn't even thinking. There was a small ravine and a patch of trees ahead and I just ran, but somehow, the ground gave out beneath me, and I was falling-

My stomach was rolling- my body was cold. I was gripping something soft and warm. Except I was being stretched, ripped.

"Ellis!"

I looked up into my father's eyes. He was hovering over me, the wind blowing through his light cotton T-shirt and sweats. "Ellis!" He called again, tearful as he risked a glance behind him.

He held me tighter.

"Dad!" I screamed. He wasn't strong enough. Gravity was winning. But I couldn't let him go.

"El, You have to-"

"No!" I screamed.

"Hang on-" he said.

"No! Daddy!" My hand felt numb, I felt myself slip.

He looked down at me with deep concern, and something else... hope? "I love you. Just hang on."

I looked back into those eyes. My eyes. Eyes that could convey entire essays with one look. _Trust me. It's okay. I'm here._

"Oh-okay."

A second later, Cory ran up beside dad and they pulled me up.

xxx

The motel room smelled of stale coffee, beer, and laundry soap. I sat on the bed, there wasn't really anywhere else. Cory stood behind me, and my dad sat on the other side of the bed, his back to me.

"Cory?" I asked, "Can you- can you um..."

"I'll wait in the truck," he said, kissing my ear.

The door closed, and we sat in silence. Outside, it was snowing lightly. I stuck my hands in my pouch to warm them and realized that somewhere outside my phone and wallet were being buried by snow. Crap.

 _Ellis!_

"So you remember me?" I asked the hunched figure not even two feet away from me. He'd pulled me up from the edge of the ravine- and then he kinda flinched for a minute there, before running back up to his room.

It was Cory who dragged me back to find the door still open, my dad at the sink, splashing water on his face.

 _Dad!_

 _Tell them I love them and I'm sorry!_

Under my sweater I rubbed my scar.

"I remember you..." I said finally. "Um...Your favorite color is blue, not light blue, but indigo. And you like coffee ice cream, even though I hate it. Favorite drink? Scotch, the good stuff, you always pour it into this glass and swirl it a little before you take a sip, and you usually take your time drinking it, unless you're mad or something. Hobby? Fishing, because it's quiet and still, and there's no pressure from the world. You like ferryboats, you took us every Sunday on the ferryboat, and we'd ride back and forth and play games and drink hot chocolate, and when I was little I would sit on your lap.

"You even have a ferryboat scrubcap. You're a surgeon. A doctor. And you teach people. You taught my mom, that's how you met. At least that's the 'official story.'" My fingers bent in air quotes. "You're Derek Christopher Shepherd, and I'm Ellis. Ellis Shepherd, your daughter."

I waited, my fingers curling around the bedspread and bunching it. The hunched figure didn't move, and my anxiety rose. I couldn't handle any more rejection. Not after what already happened today. "Please... say something."

I heard a long sigh, and a sniff. "Ellis..." he said softly, and his voice made me shiver. It had been so long since I heard his voice...

He turned around on the bed to face me, and his expression was a novel of feelings. Ten years of feelings.

I couldn't wait. Without thinking, I moved across the bed and wrapped my arms around him. "Dad," I whispered... "I missed you so much. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"I love you," he breathed into my ear. "I'm sorry too." When he pulled me closer to him, when I felt the brush of his beard against my cheek, and the strong arms that embraced me, I cried. It was a fairytale come true. _He found us._ We found each other.

xxx

When we finally pulled apart and wiped our tears I stood up. "Okay, let's take you home."

"Wh-what?" he sputtered.

"You came all this way, it's time to cross the finish line."

"I know," he said and stood up too, pacing. "It's just... well-"

"What?" I asked. Whatever this little hang-up was, he'd have to get over it. "Dad?"

"This is going to sound stupid... it's stupid..."

"What?" Just tell me already.

"What if she doesn't remember me? I saw her... before... twice. She has Alzheimers, she was confused, she- I-"

I grabbed his arm, causing him to look at me. "She'll remember you. She's never really forgotten. She loves you. She's crazy about you... She needs you."

"Yeah," he nodded shakily. "Okay... okay..."

We packed his stuff. Nothing really, just some clothes and survival gear. Threw it into the back of the truck and squeezed in. There was no comparison to the feeling of being between two men who loved me so much. Dad filled me in a little about how he discovered mom, and found out she lived here in Seattle, and also that he saw that documentary mom had made.

I updated him on Zola and Bailey, but held back about mom... I wasn't sure how he'd handle how bad she'd gotten. Better to let him see her first, I thought. She'll remember him, she will... and everything would be just fine.

Then I saw his beard. If mom was reliving her residency-

"Oh god, you need a shave. And a haircut. Cory- we have to go to your place first."

"Right-O," he said as the truck rumbled on.

xxx

It was dawn when dad and I were finally ready to leave. Cory grabbed his keys for the truck and we followed him. We got inside, but when Cory when to start it, nothing happened.

 _Click-click-click-_ and then the wipers thrashed, and the lights flickered and the windows tried to roll down.

"That's not good," I said.

"Nope," Cory said.

"Now what?" Dad asked.

"How about Murphy?" Cory asked, looking across the street.

I nodded, I had to get Murphy home somehow anyway.

"Kay," I said smiling. This could be fun.

xxx

My scooter really wasn't built for two people. I mean, technically, it _could_ carry the weight of the two of us, but it didn't have a second seat, or a second helmet. Which was partly why I was driving so carefully. The cold winter rain pounded us, and we putted along. Literally putted. I shifted gears as we curved around another hill, and my dad- yes my dad- wrapped his arms tightly around me.

"How much further?" He shouted over the noise and the wind and rain.

"Not much," I said, shivering. I didn't know if it was from my excitement at finally meeting him after all this time, or stupid seattle weather. Either way, it didn't matter. He was here. Finally. We'd found each other. And soon we'd be home, all back together and happy. And warm.

Mom would finally be okay. We would be okay.

That is, if Murphy didn't work against me. Murphy was the name of my scooter. Bailey said that was a stupid name, but I liked the irony, you know... Murphy's law?

Whatever.

Murphy putted, whined, groaned, and three quarters of the way up the hill, sputtered and stopped. "No, no no..." I cried as Murphy chugged forward one last time as I pushed on the gas. But it was pointless.

I was out of gas.

Stupid irony. Stupid Murphy.

"Ellis, what-" Dad started to say as we started to slip backwards a little. I quickly braked and threw my feet down to stop the scooter.

"Out of gas," I panted. "You have to get off, we'll have to walk from here," I leaned forward and dad let go and hopped off.

Hands on his hips, he looked around. "I think... I think I remember..." He said, nodding up the hill. "It's just up there."

"Up and around the corner," I confirmed. He looked back down at at me, his eyes so much like what I stared into every morning when I looked into the mirror. But so determined and hopeful... "Ellis..." Those blues flicked back up the hill.

He couldn't wait. "Go, dad, you can go..."

And then he was off and running, not caring about the wind and rain. I stared after him, shaking my head. Love. It was crazy.

xxx

I finally pulled Murphy up to the house and parked it in the driveway before hopping up the porch steps. I gripped the doorknob to go inside, but something in me told me to stop. Sighing, I took my helmet off, running a hand through my thick damp hair. It had been the most incredible few hours of my life and now...

He was home. Dad was home. We were all back together. I was still in shock. The last time I was in this house... bad things happened between mom and I... God I was so stupid. I left her alone. I left her miserable. I hoped she'd forgotten by now.

I heard a shuffle and looked to the left. "What are you still doing out here?" He was sitting there, on mom's favorite bench, staring out into the rainy morning. "Get in there!" I hissed. He was supposed to be the Knight in Shining Whatever, not some schmuck sitting out here in the cold damp rain.

"I don't know what to... " he trailed off... "What do I say? How?"

Suddenly I realized that dad wouldn't know how to be around her. What if she didn't remember him? Or started a fight with him? Or thought he was an imposter? She needed him. We needed him.

"Just.." I stammered, "Agree with her, whatever she says. Just nod... and smile, and _mean it,_ Cause you're Mcdreamy, the love of her life, and she can't live without you, you know. She's been trying, trying so hard, but-" I swallowed. "And kiss her. The rest? You'll just have to figure out for yourself."

"Nod and smile? Kiss her? What is this, advice from a thirteen year-old?"

"Thirteen year-olds are pretty wise sometimes."

"Oh, they are huh?"

"Yes, now go..." I grabbed his hand and pulled him up. I don't know what came over me, but I rang the doorbell. Now he couldn't hide. When the door opened, I stepped back and sat on the bench. Zola would probably kill me for leaving mom alone.

I waited, my foot did its weird tapping on its own trick again, but I forced myself to wait. Mom didn't need to see me right now, and I definitely did not want to face the wrath of Zola. So I waited. My stomach growled. God, I was so hungry. Just a few more minutes. Finally, I couldn't wait any longer.

I opened the door, carelessly slamming it behind me. "Dad!" I called.

"Dad?" I heard Bailey say from the stairs.

And then my jaw dropped when I saw mom and dad in the foyer.

Oh.

My.

God.

Well, I didn't have to worry about how they'd handle it. My parents were totally making out like teenagers. Mom's arms wrapped around dad's shoulders, dad was pressed close against her, hands on her hips and back as they kissed. Ten years ago, I probably would've told them to get a room already.

Mom pulled away, breathless, and her gaze met mine, her expression swirling with mixed emotions. But there was something different too. A clarity I hadn't seen in forever.

"Ellis?" she croaked.

Dad looked up, finally noticing Zola and Bailey at the stairs.

"Hi," he said, his eyes wet as he took in the sight of his children.

When mom finally turned her gaze from me, she looked up at Bailey. He nodded, as if a secret message had been passed between them, and followed Zola down the stairs.

Something weird was happening with mom. But I didn't have time to think about it as Bailey and Zola ran down the stairs to meet dad. I gave them a moment, I already had some time with him, I could let them have their moment.

"What..." Zola whimpered.

"How..." said Bailey as he approached nervously.

Dad tried to speak, but he seemed in shock, overwhelmed by everything. "It's... it's kind of a long story," he said.

It was mom who took the lead, "Let's... all go sit down, Bailey, go get some dry clothes for Der- your father, he's soaking wet. Ellis, what are you doing over there? Come on, your Dad's here. He's... He's really here." she sounded like she didn't quite believe it, but still, she took his hand and led him to the living room.

Zola took off his jacket, and Bailey appeared with some dry warm clothes, and in the next few minutes dad- our dad- was on the couch, surrounded by his family, speechless and shocked.

"How did you-" mom started.

"Um... well," And he looked up at me, kind of lost.

"I found him," I blurted. "Well, we found each other."

Finally we were all back together.

 **A/N:** Phew!

This chapter is dedicated to **my Dad,** who just celebrated his 77th birthday and who acutally was the first person who supported my writing when I was still scribbling poems on the front covers of my binders in junior high.

My parents have been married almost forty years, and a family friend said something which really impacted me... She said, _'The greatest gift your parents can give you is their love for each other.'_ It really amazes me how much love matures over time, and how much love needs to be demonstrated through our actions far more than words to keep a relationship healthy.

Anywhat...

Thanks so much everyone! Still a lot more to come in this story!


	39. I'll Remember For You

**A/N:** Thanks Everyone, for being so patient. I know you all want updates, but I am prioritizing things differently now, family and planning for the future comes first. But I do that so I can feel good about my fanfic writing...

Anyway...

Remember the first few chapters had voice-overs? We never heard a VO from Meredith. I actually didn't realize that until I was deep into this story, but I think now might be a good time.

This is a shortie but a goodie!

 **Enjoy!**

 **Seattle January 2038 Meredith.**

 _Disasters happen. Tragedy strikes. People get lost. You feel like you might never move on, but somehow you do. Somehow, the minutes turn into hours, and the hours into days... and the next thing you know..._

 _It's been years._

 _What do you do when everything you lost is suddenly right in front of you? What do you do when you come out of the fog, and everything is so clear and real?_

 _I want to say more... but, he's here. And so am I._

I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Mcdreamy. Derek. My husband, the father of my children is now seated beside me on the couch, alive and well. As I rested my palm on top of his thigh, I felt the heat under the soft cotton of his sweats.

Was this a dream, I wondered? But somehow I felt more awake and alert than I have in a very long time. I felt...

Like myself. And if this _was_ a dream...

It felt so real.

Beside me, Derek stumbled to answer the kid's questions. He looked at Bailey and stuttered, and then at Zola, and then toward Ellis, who just shrugged. He seemed overwhelmed. And when his gaze landed on me, he looked so apologetic.

My heart wrenched. With everything in me, I pushed myself up. "Uh... I have to-" I jerked my thumb to the bathroom, and then darted off.

 _Pull it together Grey._ I thought as I slammed the door shut and slid to the floor.

This was happening. Really happening. My lips were still tingling from the mind blowing kiss we shared, my hands still wet from stroking his soppy hair... I was lucid. Lucid and terrified. How long would this last? How long before I lost him again?

And where had he been all this time?

 _Pull it together Grey._ I thought. With shaking limbs, I pulled myself up and stared in the mirror.

 _We didn't think- **I** -didn't think that you were coming. The whole story just sounded so incredible._

 _She might wake up right? I mean, it's been a fairytale from the start. She might wake up right?_

My reflection stared back at me, old and worn, tired and thin. Spent. I ran the water and splashed it on my face.

I was lucid? This couldn't possibly be happening...

But it was.

"Meredith?" My breath halted in my throat. "Meredith?" Derek's voice, a little deeper, a little raspier from last I remembered, but still him. I couldn't move from the spot at the sink. Then the door opened, and he was there. Derek stepped in and closed the door behind him. "Are you okay?" he asked

I glanced at my reflection and it looked back at me with narrowed eyes. In that second- a wave of unchecked fury burned through me, and I launched myself at him, "WHERE WERE YOU?"

"I-"

"TEN YEARS! TEN FREAKING YEARS!" My fists pounded his chest, and my knuckles stung from striking his collarbone. "I thought- I thought I lost my husband... The father of my children... I thought you were dead. Shark-food dead..." And then he just shows up here? All shaved and dreamy? Here to rescue me? My knight in shining whatever?

"Mer-" His hands clutched my forearms.

I struggled against him. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! You were sup- sup-" My heart was pounding so hard, I could feel it against my ribs. I gasped for air even as tears drenched my cheeks. "Everyone leaves... but not you... you weren't supposed to..." I said into his shoulder as he pulled me into him.

Gravity took over, and we slid to the floor together.

The apology from Derek's lips was a broken warbled note. "I'm sorry." Tears slithered down his cheeks as he shook his head slowly. "I'm... I wish... I'm sorry."

 _I had a choice to make. And I chose wrong._

I sighed against him. Oh, how I missed this, his arms around me, the safety of his embrace. I sniffed, and sobbed and sniffed, and finally I gathered myself together again.

"So what happened?" I asked, my voice hoarse and raspy. "Coles notes version..." I added. He didn't have to give me all the details just this moment. Just the broad strokes.

I felt his chest rise and fall against my own. Heard the slight rumble of his tenor voice as he hummed in thought. His lips pressed lightly on my temple before he spoke, "I was on a boat... and the wave hit, and I fell... and- It's like a really bad dream, Meredith. I was- I'm somersaulting through this rush of water, barely able to come up for air... and when I landed..." His blue eyes met mine, full of heartbreak, "I couldn't remember."

He had amnesia? I didn't understand... "Couldn't remember what?"

"Anything. Everything." He took a halting breath and stared up at the bathroom light fixture.

I shifted to look into his eyes. "You lost your memory?" I asked, incredulous. The science behind Amnesia... was mysterious. What happened? Did he hit his head somewhere, somehow?

He sucked in a breath, his eyes watery, his lips pulled into a frown. "I couldn't remember you... or the kids... or me... I-"

Global Amnesia? What? How? Was he really a gorked out lump in some hospital?

Derek shook his head at my unspoken questions. He didn't know either. "I was told it was psychological. They did scans, they didn't find anything physically wrong."

I nodded. It was... I wasn't sure I could believe it, there had to be more to this story. "So what happened?"

"I was rescued... and someone found me, and..." Derek stopped and fiddled with his watch. "I was led to believe that... that I was someone else."

"What?"

"I was..." His expression turned ugly and grim. "I lost so much time... I could've found you... or you could've found me- but she-" He shook his head, and pulled his knees to his chest. I've never seen him look so...angry.

"I tried," he continued, "I tried Meredith... but I didn't remember, and when I started to remember things..." He sighed, a heavy broken sigh. "Oh..." he sniffed. "I wanted to be sure. I had to be sure because I didn't want someone to take advantage of me again."

Take advantage? Only I was allowed to do that! "So, you had... like a fake wife?"

The choked laugh that escaped Derek's lips was remarkably refreshing, and the darkness that overcame his features disappeared. "Yeah... I guess so."

He must have remembered something, though, for him to end up here. "But you started to remember..."

"Bits and pieces yeah... I still-" He shifted so he could look at me right in the eye. "Meredith, I still... don't remember much."

I put his hand in mine. Turned it over to look at his palm. Traced the embedded lines there. Ran my thumb along his forearm, following a very faint scar that you would only see if you knew it was there. "It's really you."

"Yes." He said, the corner of his lip quirking upward as he watched my hand run along his forearm. I laced my fingers between his and squeezed.

He squeezed back.

He really was here. But- "I know all about not remembering." I said. "I have Alzheimers." Then I waited for it. For him to let go, to shy away from this. I held my breath.

"I know." He whispered, his voice breaking. But his other hand covered mine, and it wasn't cold anymore. It was actually warmer. "I'm sorry- I'm so sorry Meredith- I"

I shook my head. "Don't. Please." I kissed his knuckles. I was lucid. He was here. Finally. Time was short. I'd already spent a decade fighting my own guilt and blame. I just wanted to feel his arms around me. I crammed myself as close to him as possible. "I could've tried harder too. There's no more time for apologies, okay? It's been hard... it has... but, you're here now, that's all that matters... We're quite the pair." I chuckled.

"Hmm," he rumbled. God, I missed that

.

"Derek?" His arms around my middle, I rested my head on his cheek.

"Hmm?"

"I'm lucid."

 _And if he doesn't remember me? If he doesn't remember what we are? He's still my Jorge, and I'll remember for us both._

His adam's apple bobbed in the corner of my eye. "Oh," he said.

"So... While I have you to myself... the last time we kissed..."

"You remember?"

"Yeah. I try not to forget our kisses."

 _More kissing I say._

Derek's laughter echoed and bounced around the room and I giggled too. The happiest sound I had heard in years.

"You forgot your passport on the counter," I continued. "I practically chased you to the airport because you wouldn't answer your freaking phone. I was tired, Derek, so tired... and we'd had a hard time the last few months, we were only then getting back to each other...and-" I paused, remembering a certain _look_. "You looked at me."

"I looked at you?" Derek echoed curiously.

"You looked at me like- like-" IloveyouandIneedyouand-

"Like you were everything-" he supplied.

"Yes!" The same way he looked at me when he walked through the door only minutes ago, "And I didn't get it, because I had like, no make-up and was still in sweats and my hair- I mean not that I really cared much for looks but-"

"I looked at you."

"Like I was... everything." The memory started to hit me now, the airport, the bustle of people around me, waving a passport over my head, watching him turn around- I squeezed his hand. "You said, 'I love you.'"

"I did?"

"Yeah... and then you kissed me. It was quick, and soft... and... warm." Like it was yesterday, I remembered that kiss on my lips. "Your kiss made my world stop, Derek." I pulled his hand up and stared at the back of it. "And then you said, 'I love you' again, because I kinda dismissed the first one."

"Hmm."

 _What do we do when all we lost turns up at our doorstep? When we find ourselves? If only for a moment?_

I couldn't help it anymore, I was so done talking. I turned around and pushed myself between his legs while still sitting on my knees. With both hands I cupped his face and pressed my lips to his..

If this was a dream?

I better never wake up.

If it was real?

I didn't want to fall asleep.

I wanted the world to stop. I wanted to forget the last ten years, and not in an Alzheimer-y way.

I wanted to be everything again.

His Everything.

I wanted him to know...

 _The only thing we can do. We take our miracles where we find them._

"I love you," I gasped as we released from our lip-lock.

Derek blinked up at me, brushing a few strands of hair from my forehead. "I... love you too."

"Derek..." Was he really gonna be here with me? In this? "If..."

He shook his head. "No, none of that." He smiled, rubbed my arms, kissed my forehead. "I'm here now. I'm staying."

 _We reach across the gap-_

"It's so hard..."

"It doesn't have to be anymore. We're okay."

 _Because sometimes, against all odds, all logic-_

"We're okay." We have to be okay. I stared at his lips again. I couldn't help myself. Maybe I was horny. Probably. Alzheimers led to increased sex drive in some people.

I pushed him against the door, wanting to feel him again, wanting to feel close and connected.

 _We touch._

Suddenly I heard the 'click' of a door knob, and we fell with a thud to the floor as the bathroom door gave way.

"Ok, like seriously," Ellis said, with a half smile on her face, "Get a room already."

 **A/N:** Thanks! Please review! Don't know when the next update will be, but Im still trucking along!


	40. Always Go With Blue

**A/N:** Well I'm back... Where is everybody huh? Haven't heard from some of you in a while... let me know what's up, ducks! (I think that's a brittish/scottish expression... my great aunt would say that.)

Anywhat, let's continue this... Bailey's POV after Everyone gathered on the couch from last chapter. We're going to be examining Bailey's character a little more now...

 **Bailey January 2038**

Dad was totally speechless. He looked over at me and stuttered. "I-um, I-" he said, and then looked over at Zo, "Um..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I-wow, this is... I'm home? This is home-"

"Dad-" I started. Where had he been all this time? I wondered. It had been ten years. Ten long years. Dad looked so different. His face was tanned, pale around the cheeks where I suspected he'd shaved recently. His hair was mixture of black and silver with streaks of white but still wavy and dashing just the same. There were signs that he'd aged. But he was still my dad.

He was my dad, and I loved him, even though I couldn't understand why he'd been gone for so long.

"Uh- I have to-" mom thumbed over to the bathroom. She looked like she was seeing a ghost.

I imagined she was overwhelmed too.

 _A few minutes ago:_

 _The bright lights of OR one sparked off of the stainless steel equipment as everyone gathered around a draped patient. An instrument was slapped in my hand. Wait, how did I become the lead surgeon? "Just go ahead," Sofia said, her dark eyes flashing over her mask as I held up a surgical drill._

" _If you do that, I will throw you on the table and drill holes into **your** skull myself!" Rebecca yelled._

" _Pfft, whatever..." Sofia rolled her eyes._

" _Umm..." I looked down at the patient, in the stark OR, I could barely see. The light was too bright and flashy._

 _My mother stared back up at me, her eyes large and innocent, "Are you the doctor?"_

" _I-" I stuttered._

" _Surgical royalty? Son of Grey and Shepherd?" an intern said over a bowl of gross mac and cheese as a crowd gathered in the gallery_

" _I told you not to save me!" Mom said, sitting on the kitchen counter. How did I get here? I wondered. "I don't want you to save me..." Mom muttered as she stabbed at her cereal, the brown flakes escaping from the bowl. She glowered at it. "Ugh, I hate this stuff. I want the other stuff..."_

" _Mom?" I stepped closer to her._

" _Who are you?" she asked._

" _It's me, your son, Bailey"_

" _What?" She giggled, "I don't have a kid... and she's Bailey." She nodded her head to the side and I followed her cue._

 _Chief Miranda Bailey suddenly appeared with a bowl of cereal . "I hate this stuff too," she scowled, handing the bowl back to me._

" _A good day starts with a good breakfast," I said, but my voice was dubbed over with dad's._

 _Mom stared at me curiously over her spoon._

 _The Chief grunted._

 _Rebecca appeared, shoving a clipboard into my arms, "Rectals, Shepherd."_

" _But.."_

" _Bailey..." Zola appeared from the kitchen door. "Bailey," she stood right in front of me. Grabbing my shoulders, she shook me. "Bailey, wake up!"_

" _Muh..." The kitchen faded away until all I could see was Zola's annoying face. "Zo..."_

"Wake up!" She shook me harder. I swatted at her, "g'way," I mumbled. Sleep... I was so tired.

Silence. My eyes closed, darkness fell on me... I sighed. Good, she went away.

And then I gasped awake with a cold shock of water right in my face.

"ZOLA!" I yelled, nearly jumping out of bed.

"Bails... you have to get up, it's Mom."

Sudden panic hit me. "What's wrong? Is it her heart?" I pulled the covers off and threw my legs over the side.

Zola touched my shoulder. I looked up, she was smiling but there was tears in her eyes. She shook her head, "No, it's... she's lucid. Like, lucid lucid. She wants to see you."

 **Now:**

I sat down on the coffee table across from my father. Zola rested on the arm of the couch, and Ellis stood, her arms wrapped around herself.

"Where-"

"How-" Zola and I spoke at once, while dad looked pleadingly over at the bathroom door.

"Wait!" Ellis exclaimed. "Just..." she looked over at dad. "He had amnesia... still has... amnesia... that's why..." she trailed off, chewing on a fingernail.

Amnesia? So... he didn't remember us either? I ran a hand through my curly locks. "Do you... remember us?" Me? Did he remember me?

Dad swallowed thickly, rubbing his thighs. "I-" he sighed, and then he looked up at me with a serious expression. "You're my son. My memory is..." he shook his head, "Well it's not all there, but it doesn't matter. You're my son, Bailey." His gaze drifted to my sisters. "Zola... Ellis... You are my children, you're each a part of me, even if it took me ten years to figure it out. And I'll never forget that." He took Ellis' hand in his and stared at the scar there. "I love you all... I've loved you..." he swallowed and shook his head. "I just... I'm-" He wiped the tears from under his eyes. Suddenly he stood up. "I have to talk to her."

"Dad-"

"If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. I have to talk to her." He strode over to the bathroom door, hesitated for a brief second, and then opened the door and went in.

"Oh man..." Ellis exclaimed, looking after him. "That's gonna be an interesting conversation."

"Ellis," Zola replied, "Mom's lucid."

"Lucid?" my sister's jaw dropped. "Like lucid lucid?"

"Mom says it's a gift."

"So she remembers-" she pointed back to the bathroom.

Zola nodded. Ellis sunk into the couch. "Wow..."

"Yeah," I breathed, looking at the closed door. Mom was yelling now. Yelling and crying. Muffled conversation could be heard from the other side.

"Fifty says they're gonna have sex." Ellis said.

'Ew," Zola replied. "Do not put that image in my head."

"What? It's not like they concieved you..."

"Ellis..." I sighed, "They're, like really old-"

"Did you see that kiss? Oh yeah... they are definitely gonna get it on..."

Zola stuck her fingers in her ears. "La la la la, not listening."

I smirked, "I'm just saying, not in the bathroom."

Ellis looked thoughtful, "Okay, maybe you have a point. But ten bucks says they're gonna be making out again at the end of this."

"Mmm," was all I could say.

"So mom's lucid?" Ellis asked, her voice cracking a little.

"Yeah," Zola said. "I don't know what happened, but she was helping with laundry, and she took a load upstairs, and then-" Zola shrugged, "I found her in the shower. She said my name, looked right at me and asked what the hell she was doing in Alex's shower."

"How was she last night? Did-" Ellis started, and I noticed she looked nervous.

Zola shot her sister a look. "You _left_ her alone-" She crossed her arms and glared at Ellis.

"I didn't mean to!" Ellis raised her arms in a pathetic defense.

"Ellis, she could've-"

"I know, I know..." Ellis sniffed. She tucked her knees to her chest and ran her arms over her thin legs. "M'sorry."

This was different. Usually Ellis was a lot more defensive. "Ellis what happened?" I asked, shooting Zola a concerned look.

"Nothing. It's nothing, she's lucid now right? And Dad's here. Everything will be good now. Everything is going to be fine. Right?"

I sighed and looked back at the bathroom door. The truth was... I didn't know. Yeah, it seemed like an insane miracle that this happened at the same time but...

In my research, episodes of lucidity of this nature often meant that... death was near. Somehow, the brain pulls itself back together long enough for the patient to make those last few important decisions and conversations, before it can no longer do so. But, mom was also on trial medication... so who knew what effect it was having on her brain.

As for dad? Seeing him in the foyer with mom had caused my heart to swell with hope and relief. Finally, he was here for us. Someone older, wiser, with more life experience and knowledge to help us all. My hero was here.

But that hope was shattered when Ellis revealed he was amnesiac. How would he help us now? Who was he? He wasn't the same guy who taught craniotimies and analysed MRI's with such an innate skill and ability he was world-reknowned in the medical community. This was uncharted territory. And I had no clue how to navigate.

"They've been in there awhile," Ellis said, twirling her hair. "I'm going to check on them."

Zola opened her mouth but closed it. Ellis pushed herself off the couch and walked over to the bathroom door, leaning over to listen. After a moment, she frowned and opened the door.

Mom and dad practically fell out. I couldn't help but snort as Ellis reprimanded them,"Ok, like seriously, get a room already."

xxx

We gathered around the kitchen table, all of us awkwardly silent. Speechless.

"Umm... anyone hungry?" Zola asked, checking the cupboards.

"God, yes,"

"Starving-"

"Mmm-"

"I can whip something up," I said over all the others. "Pizza?"

"You're gonna _make_ pizza?" Mom asked hoarsely.

I smiled at her warmly, grey-green eyes met grey-green. She smiled back with a look I hadn't seen in a long time. Pride. My throat ached as I turned to look for the flour. "Yeah, I'll make a big one, you guys can put whatever you want on it."

"My son can make pizza..." Mom said with astonishment.

" _Our_ son." Dad said.

I went to work on the recipe I'd memorized in college. It had been a lifesaver, probably saving me hundreds of dollars in the long run. Combining the ingredients, I kneaded the dough into a ball and plopped it onto the pizza pan.

"So..." Mom sighed, "I'm... I'm lucid. And your father is here, well, most of him, and well..." she trailed off, her fingers tracing an imaginary pattern on the tablecloth.

I looked up from the pan as my fingers stretched the dough and pressed it against the edges. Everyone was staring at her, waiting for her to say something, but as her gaze flicked over us all, she released a small sob instead. "Oh," she choked.

Zola wrapped an arm around her. "Shhh," she comforted.

I opened a jar of pizza sauce and poured it into the middle of the pan, and then used the underside of a spoon to spread the sauce from the inside out.

"It's just..." Mom continued, "This better not be a freaking dream. You're all grown up, and-" she looked up at Dad, who seemed to be lost in his own thoughts as he too took in the sight of us and the kitchen. Maybe he was having flashbacks, who knew? "You're here." Mom pulled him from his daze as she rested her palm on the back of his hand, stroking it with her thumb, an intimate gesture that spoke more than words ever could. Dad kissed her on the top of her head, and she blushed like a teenager. She needed him. We needed him.

Ellis setttled in beside me with a huge bag of shredded cheese. I stepped away, grabbing the bowl to soak in the sink, my thoughts going a mile a minute. If Ellis thought dad being here would fix everything... she was wrong. We needed him, but could he handle it? When mom slipped away again into the fog of her mind? When she pushed him away or forgot him, would he still be there?

And that was only half of my concern. The other half was for mom's health. I knew Alzheimers now like the back of my hand, and the research said that seventy-five percent of patients who experienced lucidness in this manner rapidly deteriorated afterwards, many of them passing away within two weeks.

I wasn't sure I could grasp that fact right now.

"Pepperoni?" I asked, reaching into the fridge.

"Extra pepperoni." Ellis said.

"And cheese. More cheese." Mom added.

"What do you have for vegetables?" Dad asked.

"Vegetables? You don't put vegetables on pepperoni pizza." Mom stated.

He arched an eyebrow at her. "Green peppers? Onions? Mushrooms?" He smirked. "You need your vegetables."

Mom shot a look at me, "Well at least that part hasn't changed."

"What part?" dad asked.

"You're still a health nut." I smirked as I chopped up green and red peppers, dashing them on the pizza with a flourish.

"Hmm," he said thoughtfully. As I chopped up an onion, I considered this man in front of me now.

 _May 2037_

 _I frantically searched the crowd, Zola had texted me twenty minutes ago, saying that they'd arrived for my graduation ceremony, but I didn't see them. I glanced down at my phone. Should I call them?_

 _As my thumb slid down to the contacts, I heard a familiar voice._

" _Bailey! Bails! Where are you?"_

 _My head jerked up. Amelia? I honestly didn't expect her to be there."Auntie A?" I called. A few people parted and she burst through._

" _Hey, how's my favorite nephew?" She asked jovially._

" _Goo-" Amelia cut me off with a hug like a python. Finally she released me and I panted hard, trying to catch my breath._

" _Where's everyone?" she searched the crowd, concerned._

" _I don't know." I said._

" _I'll call Zo," she said, tapping on her phone._

" _Okay..." I said, still searching, looking for Zola's familar hair. That was the best way to find her in the crowd, just look for a big black puffball with pink or purple headband as that was usually her style. "Crap," I said, finding nothing._

 _I looked at my watch. "I have to get my gown," I said. I had ten minutes before the ceremony started. Still I searched the crowd, my hand smoothing my button down shirt._

" _Where's your tie?" Amelia asked._

" _Mom was going to bring one of dad's." I said._

" _Oh."_

" _Yeah," I sighed, worriedly searching the crowd again._

" _Hey," Aunt Amelia touched my cheek, and I looked down at her._

 _She swallowed as her hands fell on my shoulders. I met her intense gaze, her eyes reminding me of dad so much I wanted to cry._

 _She smiled, a quick faltering smile, "If Derek,- if your father were here, he'd be so proud of you, he'd be speechless. And that's a rare thing. Us Shepherds usually have something to say."_

 _I chuckled, imagining dad's arms wrapped around me, the gleam of pride in his eyes as he smiled at me. "Yeah."_

 _Amelia squeezed my biceps. "Look, he would be proud. I'm proud too. And your mom... no matter what she says or does today she would want you to know that she's proud too, and she loves you so much."_

" _I know." I leaned over a little and kissed her on the forehead."Thanks."_

" _Bailey!" Zola's voice cut through the din and I looked up. There was the black puffball of hair._

" _Zola!" I waved and pushed through the crowd. When I reached her, she had locked elbows with mom who was looking all around, a confused expression on her face._

" _Sorry," she said, "Mom had a freakout and I almost lost her."_

" _It's okay," I said, relieved that at least they had made it. "Where's-"_

" _Right here," Ellis poked me in the ribs._

" _Ow!" I poked her back and she giggled._

" _Oh, good you're all here!" Amelia said, "We should probably get a seat inside."_

" _Wait," Zola said, reaching into her purse. She pulled out an indigo blue tie. "Mom, do you want to help Bailey with this?" she asked, handing it to her._

 _Mom stared at the tie, and then at me._

" _Mom?" Zola prompted._

 _Mom took the tie, smoothing it out, she wrapped it around my neck and began to tie it, her nimble fingers seeming to work from muscle memory. After she made the knot, she tugged on it, cinching it up._

 _I put my hand over hers. "Mom?"_

 _She looked at me like she wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words._

" _Mom, it's me, Bailey. I'm graduating from Dartmouth today. I'm going to be a surgeon, like you and Dad."_

" _Bailey?" she whispered._

" _Yeah mom, it's me," I said, relieved that she remembered me._

 _She looked around fearfully. "There's so many people here."_

 _I smiled a little. "Yeah, there's a ceremony."_

" _A ceremony? For what?"_

" _I'm graduating from med school. I'm gonna be a doctor."_

 _She played with my tie. "That's nice..." she trailed off._

 _I sighed._

" _Okay, well, I gotta get up there," I nodded to Amelia and my sisters. As I stepped back, mom shook her head, "That's a nice tie. My husband has one just like it. Blue. Always go with blue."_

xxx

The pizza now in the oven, I wiped my hands. "I'm... gonna go outside for a minute." I grabbed a beer from the fridge and walked out the kitchen door. I just... it was too much almost.

Popping the bottlecap off I stood and listened to the quiet rain. The frothy bitter brew was comforting actually as I tried to settle my thoughts. Mom was lucid. Dad was here, but kind of not... What did it mean? What was I supposed to do with this? How long would this last?

"Hey."

My breath hitched as I felt my mother's presence behind me. I turned around and leaned against the deck railing. "Hi mom," I said.

"You're all grown-up." her fingers plucked the cuff of her sweatshirt, her eyes wide as she studied me.

"Yeah," I sipped my beer, not sure what to think or feel.

"How long... how long since...?"

"Four years," I answered.

"Four years." She nodded, once, twice... and then... "Oh, Bailey..." her voice broke, and I reached, pulling her into my arms. We held each other and time seemed to stop. I didn't realize how much I missed this. I sniffed, and she sniffed, and we just softly cried into each other.

"Mom, I don't know how long this is going to last." I said finally.

"I know," she said, still holding me.

"It could mean... It could mean..." I started. It could mean that the end was closer than we all thought.

"I _know._ " She said meaningfully. She knew.

I sat down on the step, and she sat down beside me. There was so much I wanted to tell her. So much I wanted to learn from her. Just... so much everything.

"We had a conversation like this before," I said.

"I remember," mom rubbed my back. "At the old house."

"You remember?"

"I remember four years ago, but the stuff in between, it's kinda all over the place."

"Hmm," I nodded. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm... He's here, your dad, and I..." she shook her head, "Is it possible to be overjoyed and terrified at the same time?"

I chuckled, mom and I were more alike than I ever thought. "How much does he remember?" I asked.

"I don't know... but-"

"But?" I asked.

"He... _feels_ the same."

"Feels?" I asked.

"It's hard to explain... I just know..." she shrugged, at a loss for words. "He's the same _man._ Maybe he's not the neurosurgeon of the family anymore, but inside... he's still Derek."

"You think so?" I asked.

Mom's hand rested on my knee, "Yeah..." she breathed.

"He seemed kinda in a daze." I commented.

"Well... maybe he's remembering stuff."

"What's to remember about this old place?" I took another sip and swirled the bottle loosely in my fingers.

Mom smirked, "Oh lots..." she waggled her eyebrows and giggled.

I choked on my beer. "Mom!" I coughed.

"What? We were newlyweds!"

I felt like sticking my fingers in my ear, 'la la la,' like Zola did earlier, but resisted. "Okay," I said, feeling my ears heat up.

"And don't tell me you don't have a sex life..." Mom chastised.

Sudden flashes of my night with Rebecca spun in my mind. "Uh-" I probably looked as red as a beefsteak tomato.

Mom waved her hand dismissively, "Don't tell me- That's not something mom's want to hear."

We sat in comfortable silence. I reveled in the feeling of her head on my shoulder. She reached over for my beer and took a sip. "You're a doctor now," the words were soft and heartfelt.

"Yeah."

She squeezed my knee. "Are you happy?"

I thought about it, the last ten years, the last four years... where I was right now, who I was becoming, what I had accomplished. A small smile forced itself on my lips. "I'm trying to be. I think... I think I learned from you to make the best of it." I squeezed her hand.

"Good... that's good." Mom stole my beer again and took another sip. She glanced behind her, like she wanted to go back in.

"Mom..." I clutched her forearm. "You're lucid. What... how... I'm in charge of your medical decisions..."

"Oh." She handed the beer back to me and wrapped her arms around herself.

"So now's your chance..."

I waited as she stared out at the dark sky. I knew that she was thinking about her own experience with her mother. There was a long hiccuping sigh, "Do I know you? When I'm...you know..."

"You're starting to forget our names," I said, "But I think that... you know that we love you and we're important to you."

"Okay," her fingers drummed the wooden step. Silence again.

"Mom?"

She sniffed. "Am I mean? Have I said bad things to you guys? Do I..."

I rubbed her back... I didn't know too much. I'd spent the last four years in college. "Maybe... but... you're our mom, we put up with this stuff because we love you. And we have each other. We're pretty tight when it comes to you."

She half laughed, wiping her tears. "Thats... good to know I guess."

"So what do you want? It's your life."

"How close are we to a cure?" she asked.

There had been several published papers on techniques for prevention of Alzheimers, like using diet and medications before symptoms presented, and studies on gene therapy to prevent the disease in the first place, but little on advanced Alzheimers, except for some new drug therapies, there seemed little progress.

"I don't know," I said.

"Okay," her eyes looked up to the starless sky and she reached out her hand and caught a few raindrops.

I waited as she pondered.

"I trust you, Bailey." Mom said finally. A thin finger pushed a stray lock of hair out of her eyes, "I know I put you in charge for a reason, and I'm telling you now, with all the clarity I have, that I trust you. If there's a chance... the slightest chance that I might be saved from the worst of this disease, I want you to take it. But I don't want to be a vegetable, and I don't want to be more than you can handle. Derek's here, and he can help, but this is new to him... and... He might get scared. So, you're in charge."

I tried to absorb the comfort she offered through her soothing caress on my arm as I nodded at her words. "Whatever you decide Bailey... it's okay. There will be no blame or shame in your decision, Okay?" her voice cracked.

"Okay," I swallowed.

Mom pulled me into a hug again, "Bailey," she said, "You are...more than ordinary."

"Oh," I responded, at a loss for words. "Love you," I managed.

She kissed my cheek. "Love you too." Mom stood up and stretched. "Pizza's probably ready. You should come inside."

"I think... I just want to stay out here for a bit." I said.

"Alright." Mom patted my shoulder and stepped slowly inside.

xxx

My empty beer bottle made a hollow noise as I set it down at my feet. The rain still made soft pitter patter noises and I watched it as it collected in shallow puddles on the sidewalk. I knew I should be in there, making the most of this time... but-

I was _scared._

Scared to lose her again. Scared to talk to a man I knew but didn't, who knew me, but didn't. Scared that he would walk away, that this situation would be too much for him... Scared that he would try to force his way into our lives before we could adjust...

Just _scared._

The backdoor squeaked and slammed shut, and I heard a familiar sigh.

Dad.

"The pizza was excellent," he said. "I brought you a few slices before Ellis and Mer- your mom devoured it."

I nodded, but said nothing.

He sat down beside me with a groan and put the pizza and another bottle of beer between us. My mouth watered at the smell, but I refused to give in just yet, just continued to stare out at the empty backyard.

 _'Crack-fizzzzz'_

Dad opened his beer and took a sip. I continued to ignore him. I just didn't know if I could say anything good right now. I was afraid... but I was also angry. I never realized it before, even talking to mom...

Ten years.

Ten freaking years.

I had given up hope. Just resigned myself to the fact that there was no longer a father in my life, and I just had to move forward. So I did, and shoved my feelings aside because they weren't important, they didn't help make the situation better.

But then he showed up, and as much as I wanted... as much as I needed him... These feelings were churning deep inside me, and I couldn't help but put up a big thick wall.

Dark and Twisty, mom would say.

"You're angry," he stated simply. "It's okay."

"Mom send you here?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "I just... felt that I should come out here."

"Hmm," I murmured.

He popped open another bottle of beer and offered it to me.

I stared at the Heiniken for a moment before I took it. I shot him a glowering look. This didn't mean anything.

"I'm sorry I was gone so long," he said.

"Ten years." I managed to choke out.

"Yeah."

The rage inside me erupted, a volcano of pain that had been simmering all this time."TEN FUCKING YEARS DAD!" I screamed. Bolting up, I shoved a finger in his face, "AND NOW YOU JUST WALTZ RIGHT IN HERE? LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?" I panted, my chest hurt,

Shock and pain registered on my father's features, like I shot him. And then he closed his eyes and looked shamefully down at himself. Crap. "I know... I failed-" he started.

"Shut up!" I took a swig of my beer, and wiped my mouth. "Jeezus," I muttered, kicking the empty beer bottle. It rolled lazily down the sidewalk before stopping at the crack. I didn't want to hear it. I just... argh!

I paced, letting the rain soak my Dartmouth T-shirt, not caring anymore about being wet or cold. Oh... I hated him. So much. But I needed him. And I loved him, and I wanted him to love me again too.

But this anger had to go somewhere. So I paced.

"A tsunami happened," he said at last.

"Fuck yeah." I agreed.

"A tsunami happened, and... I'm angry too. I lost my memory. I lost... everything. I didn't have a name, Bailey." He looked up at me, eyes dark and brooding. "I didn't know what to-" he shrugged and let the sentence drop. He rolled the beer bottle between his fingers and picked at the label. "And then someone gave me a name. Claimed I was her husband. Claimed she knew me. And I went with it... because... I didn't want to be alone. I didn't- I couldn't..."

Crap, I thought as I slumped back down on the steps. Idly I picked up the pizza and took a bite. It tasted just as I remembered, delicious. "And then what?" I asked.

"By the time I figured out who I wasn't...:" he shook his head. "I didn't trust anyone. I didn't trust the system... and I was scared."

"Scared?" I asked. "Of what?"

"What if I tried to find my family, and someone took advantage of my memory loss? Anyone could do it. A tsunami happened. So I was scared, and for a long time... I didn't want to know. It was stupid," he finally looked up at me. "It was stupid, I should've- I could've tried harder. But I -"

"You wanted to be sure," I said.

"Yes." He nodded and sipped his beer.

"So what made you sure?" I asked.

"Your mother." Dad rubbed his chin and gave a half smile.

"How?" I asked.

"I... She... she was just always there, in the back of my mind... I could feel her, reminding me, pushing me, subconsciously, she was always there. And when I saw her... I couldn't tear myself away. I had to be with her. I had to find her." He swallowed thickly, "She saved me."

I mulled over my dad's response. Obviously there was a lot more to this story, but I couldn't deny him the chance to apologize and explain. I was angry, but I was tired of being angry. I was scared, but I didn't want to be scared anymore. We sat there on the step, dad sipped his beer and I munched on the pizza.

"Are you starting to remember things?" I asked.

He ran a hand through his hair, a gesture I'd learned from him. "Seeing Ellis... triggered some things... I'm still... processing it."

"You remember being newly weds?"

Dad's face scrunched up, "I... um... no?" he said in obvious confusion.

I chuckled, "Mm. Sorry, just messing with you. Ask mom."

"Uh... Okay..."

I laughed in my head. Maybe I should bet Ellis something.

Dad saw the twinkle in my eye and his nervousness disappeared, "Oh..." he said, catching on to my joke. He shook his head and laughed.

"Look," I said, "I'm still a little angry, but I'll get over it. I always do. I am really glad you're back, and so is mom, if you haven't noticed, but..."

"She has Alzheimers."

"She's sick. And... it's probably not gonna get better. We've tried a lot of things... what we have here right now is a gift. She's lucid, she remembers you. All of you. She still loves you, she wants you... she needs you. You waltzed in here, her knight in shining whatever, but Zola, Ellis, and I have been here for her since her diagnosis. A lot has happened... so," I took a final sip of beer. "You don't get to leave again. If you don't get your memories back, you'll just have to settle for making new ones with us, because I don't think any of us can handle anymore heartbreak. If she forgets you..." I trailed off.

"I'll remind her, everyday, who I am." Dad said sincerely.

"Yeah," I croaked, standing up.

Dad stood up too, and suddenly his hands were on my shoulders, and we were eye to eye. I couldn't look away from his intense gaze as he studied me.

 _Always go with blue._

I saw the water glisten over his eyes, and I looked away. "Bailey," his thumb brushed my chin as he forced me to look at him. "I- I'm proud of you. For all you've done here, for all you do-" he shook his head... "I don't think I could've handled it any better if I was here. So, thank you for looking out for the family. For doing what I failed- what I couldn't do. I'm scared too... but I trust you, and I hope that I can regain your trust so we can get past this."

"You will," I said, surprised at how easily the words slipped out. I blinked back a few tears, "And... thanks dad." He pulled me forward and I leaned into his embrace, my arms hung limp at my side for a moment before I slapped him on the back. "C'mon, let's get inside, I'll probably have to make another pizza."

xxx

 **A/N:** Feel all the feels! I just had to work out some of these characters feelings , so this was a transistionary chapter. I was inspired by a moment out with my dad, probably about ten years ago, at the mall with him, he stopped, and looked at me with heartfelt tears in his eyes and said he was proud of me. I think that was the first time he said that to me. It was an amazing feeling.

What's gonna happen next? I'll think of something! Also, if you want to check out a missing scene that didn't make it to this story, check out my profile and read **We had a Baby.**

Please review! Oh, and if any of you are fans of **Awesome Allison** , you may want to check out her fanpage on instagram. You can search for it under merderdotferryboats. Or pm her for more info, this site doesn't let you post links.


	41. A Place to Watch the Ferryboats

**A/N:** Every once in awhile I get a review from someone who started reading and then stopped, and then came back again. If you are still reading this story after 40 chapters, you people are amazing to have kept up with my incredible story, the time jumps, Meredith's illness... Derek's storyline... And the kids own struggles. I said at the begining that it would be epic and complex, and you trusted me to take you there... and there is still much more Epicness to come! Do you realize at this point, you have read the equivalent of 3-4 paperback novels? So thank you! I literally could not do this without you!

Kay, I'll shut up now.

 **Enjoy!**

 **Picking up from where we left off. While Derek is talking to Bailey.**

 **Zola.**

Laughter. My mother's unihibited giggle filled the air in our living room. "I did what?" she asked over a slice of pizza.

"You wandered into the neighbor's house and started to re-arrange her kitchen," Ellis was saying... "You were looking for a spatula or something? I don't know, but then you freaked out when you saw her family pictures on the fridge... you were so confused, you thought someone had moved into your house. Poor Lisa, our neighbor. She walked in and found you, and she almost called the police, and then you blurted, 'I have Alzheimers!'"

"Really?" Mom stretched her legs out onto my lap as she leaned against Ellis on the couch.

"Yeah," Ellis smiled, "And then you looked at your watch and said, 'Crap. Code blue, I have a patient to check on, where's the bathroom?'"

"What? Seriously?"

"It was a bad week, we'd just moved in, we were trying to get settled, and you were so restless, we couldn't get you to stay still."

That had been a crazy day, I remembered. The movers had come by with some last minute stuff and they left the door open. We both thought mom was in her room with her stuff, but somehow she slipped away. She was sneaky.

Mom smiled wanely. "My mom... one time she called me from a payphone at a gas station. She was totally lost, had no clue where she was. I had to get her to put a stranger on the phone so I could get directions. I was still at Dartmouth, I had to skip class to find her. And when I did, she insisted nothing was wrong and she yelled at me for skipping school. I thought we were going to have a knock down drag out fight right there. But then the next minute, she was confused again, and I managed to convince her to let me drive her home." She sighed and reached to squeeze my forearm. "I'm so glad you're not alone in this."

I held her hand and squeezed. "We're doing okay," I said.

Mom nodded, "Good, that's good." But her eyes were sad.

"Mom?" I asked.

"I...I was in the shower," She ran her hand through her damp hair. "No... the bathroom..." Her gaze flitted to Ellis, "You were there... I-" Then she shook her head. "It's nothing, nevermind."

"Mom?" I asked, eyeing her carefully, and when I looked past her at Ellis, she looked guilty.

"I'm lucid," Mom proclaimed as she stood up. "It's a gift or whatever," she walked over to the stereo and sorted through her song selection. And then she pressed the button, and the music started. "C'mon," she said, "Dancing makes you brave."

"What?" Ellis asked.

"Come on!" she grabbed both of our hands, pulling us from the couch. From the stereo, the smooth rampard of uplifting piano chords mixed with the snaking _ba-da-da, ba-da-da_ of the electric guitar and the sharp snap of the drums.

She turned up the volume.

 _Come on, Come on, put your hands into the fire_

 _Explain, explain, as I turn and meet the power_

 _This time, this time, turning white and senses dying_

 _Pull up, pull up, from one extreme to another._

I closed my eyes and felt the rythym pulse through me. The song certaintly wasn't a party song, but something about it drew me in. A breath I didn't realize I was holding escaped me. My shoulder twitched, muscles aching to release a certain tension.

 _From the summer to the spring_

 _From the mountain to the air_

 _From Samaritan to sin_

 _And it's waiting on the end_

And then I was moving to the sway of the music, or it was moving me...

I brushed shoulders with my sister as we rocked to the beat. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed my mother's relaxed expression as she too, gave in to the catharsis of the music.

 _From the summer to the spring_

 _From the mountain to the air_

 _From Samaritan to sin_

 _And it's waiting on the end_

I took her hand and she twirled me, and I grabbed Ellis and twirled her.

 _Now I'm low, I'm looking out, I'm looking in_

 _Way down, the lights are dimmer_

 _Now I'm low, I'm looking out, I'm looking in_

 _Way down, the lights are dimmer_

Closing my eyes again, I spun. I didn't really get it the last time she danced with me. I just wanted her to feel better, and if this was how she did it, then...

But now I realized.

We used to dance like this when we were kids. Mom always had a quiet appreciation of music, and when we had a bad day, or were just really hyper active and crazy, the music would come on and the living room cleared, and we would hop about, singing and gyrating and twirling.

Of course, that stopped when we were teenagers. Who wants to dance with their mom when they're teenagers?

But now I got it. The physical release. As the main caregiver for mom, I never realized how much tension I carried in me. But as the music coursed through me, and my body moved to the beat, I felt it. The tension lifted off my shoulders, the weight came off my chest, and the pain around my heart lessened.

For the first time in four years, I felt free.

 _Come on, come on_

 _Put your hands into the fire_

 _Come on, come on..._

Slowly, I opened my eyes and returned to the world. Ellis and mom had stopped dancing and were looking past me. I turned and saw dad leaning in the doorway to the kitchen, an almost empty bottle of beer in his hand. He was smiling a soft reminiscent smile as he stared at his wife.

For her part, mom looked starstruck, then she beckoned him over.

"I, uh..." He stammered. But she gave him a look, and he shuffled forward. Another song started on the stereo, a little slower beat and mom took his hands and placed them on her hips before resting her palms on his shoulders.

Ellis giggled.

I grabbed her elbow. "C'mon, let's give them a few minutes."

xxx

We ended up in the den which was still a mess. I sighed, my cleaning instinct kicking in as I started to pick up the scattered papers and books.

"What happened in here?" Ellis asked, joining me as she started to replace the books on the shelves.

"I don't know," I said, shuffling the papers. "I fell asleep. I think she was trying to figure something out."

Ellis picked up a couple sheets and looked them over, her lips moving as she read some of the medical jargon. "What? Like a cure?"

I shrugged. "I don't know..." And then it just hit me. Mom was _trying._ She'd been trying so _hard._ In her own way she'd been trying. I slumped on the big armchair, smacked by a torrent of emotion. "Oh, Ellis..." And I couldn't hide the sob in my throat. My cheeks flushed with heat. I was the oldest, the most responsible, I couldn't break down in front of my little sister. I strained my facial muscles to keep from crying, but it was futile. "Oh," I hiccupped.

"It's okay," Ellis reassured, squeezing beside me. The armchair wasn't big enough for two people, but it was big enough for Ellis' tiny frame to slip in. "It's going to be okay. Dad's here."

Dad _was_ here. I shook my head. He was here. While a big part of me was elated that my childhood hero, my father, had arrived on our front door like some dream come true, it wasn't enough. Too little too late or whatever. He wasn't the same man he was. He didn't remember...

And I hated that I felt that way. That I couldn't live in the present like Mom or Ellis, and just be happy.

Dad was here, Mom was lucid, and I didn't know why or how. I didn't know when mom would revert back to her old self, or if dad would get his memories back. And I hated _that._

"Dad can't fix her, Ellis." I blurted.

"I know, it's just- he's here, and she's happy."

"Yeah," I snarked. "For _now_."

"What do you mean, 'For now?'" My sister demanded. "Mom's a mess, she's falling apart, she practically drowned in the bath-" Ellis clamped a hand over her mouth.

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing," She jumped out of the chair and jammed her hands into her pockets. But the truth was out. That was why she looked so guilty.

"No, not nothing... what happened while I was at work? What happened, Ellis?"

"Nothing, she had a bath, that's it. You asked me to make sure she had a bath and she did..." Ellis trailed off, glancing around the den nervously. She picked up the photo of mom and dad kissing at my Grad and set it back on the desk.

I rubbed my temple. "El, you can tell me..."

"No, cause you'll just be mad, and I don't want you to be mad at me."

"It's okay," I said, purposely not saying that I wouldn't be mad. "Did you have trouble getting her to take a bath?" I asked.

"No."

"Just say it." I urged. Mom said something about a bath earlier... I just wanted to know her state of mind.

Ellis sighed, her face scrunched as she worked up the courage to speak. "I got her to take a bath... and then, I went to check on her..." her voice shook. "She was... submerged under the water, holding her breath."

"Holding her breath," I echoed.

"Yeah, I pulled her out right away, but she was so mad. I've never..." Ellis shook her head, "I'm used to seeing mom be mad at me but this was different,"

"How?" I asked.

Ellis leaned against the desk, wrapping her arms tightly around herself. "She was just so mad... at herself and her disease, and she..."

"Ellis..." I stood up. Something was wrong, seriously wrong. "What happened? What did she say? Tell me."

My sister ran a hand through her wavy locks. "She said she was tired... that she tries everyday to put her brain back together, but it's not working... she just... I've never..." Ellis swallowed, and her fierce blue eyes shone with frustration. "She wanted to give up, Zola. Mom never gives up. But she looked so defeated. She didn't want me to help her... she didn't... I think she wanted to die."

I shook my head, that didn't make sense to me. "No, mom wouldn't..."

"Look, you can't tell me you haven't noticed anything. You're a freaking nurse. She's been going downhill for awhile now. And we try... we do what we can do give her a good life. But on some level, she knows, okay? She knows it's bad, and it isn't getting better. She practically told me that herself. So, if Dad showing up at the front door to sweep her off her feet makes her happy, then what the hell? Why not?"

"I get it okay?" I replied. "It's just... you and me, we think differently. You live in the present. You go with your gut, you just follow what feels right... And I'm not like that. I'm already looking beyond this moment. The aftermath. And it terrifies me. What if Dad doesn't want a wife with Alzheimers? What if he can't handle her? What if she loses her lucidity and thinks he's an imposter? Not to mention the legal ramifications-"

Ellis held up a hand, "Zola stop. Just stop." She took my hand and pulled me out of the den, into the foyer and pointed to the living room. On our large comfy couch, Mom was curled under dad's arm as they explored a photo album together. It looked so natural, like this was an everyday thing. "Look at them. Let them figure this out. They will. For now... just enjoy it, okay?"

I sighed, and awkwardly rested my head on Ellis' shoulder. My thoughts drifted back to that moment where we were all dancing and how free it felt... "Okay."

xxx

The sun would be rising any minute now. I shifted the gears of mom's Lexus, well technically it was mine, mom didn't drive anymore. But it still felt like hers. She sat in the front seat, Bailey, Ellis and Dad in the back.

I crested the familiar hill, the car easily gripping the curves as we wound up and up and up.

We were going to our spot.

Everyone was quiet. In the rearview mirror, Bailey was fighting sleep while Ellis leaned against dad. Mom played nervously with her fingers as she looked out the window. Purple clouds tinted with pink as the first rays of the sun peeked over the horizon. The rain had stopped, the clouds clearing out west, toward the ocean, making room for the sun to come out behind us.

Finally, I parked at the edge of the hill. Below us, the Ferryboat cut through the light fog, it's lights still twinkling in the predawn haze.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, but I ignored it. "We're here." I said, pulling up the parking brake.

"Do you remember this place dad?" Ellis asked.

"Hmm," he responded thoughtfully.

"We came here a lot," Mom said. "I showed you this spot when we were... uh, sorta dating."

"I feel like... maybe I've been here," he said.

"C'mon." Bailey urged, opening his door. We clambered out, still stiff from the drive, and followed a short trail to a viewing deck.

My phone buzzed again. I pressed my hand on my khaki's over my phone. No way was I coming in to work today. They'd just have to deal. I lead the way up the steps to the viewing area and leaned against the railing. To my right, the sun was rising, and to the left, the darkness was being chased away by pink, orange and purple-cloud smeared rays of light.

It was brilliant and perfect.

Ellis was right. This moment, right now? Was brilliant and perfect. I had to embrace it. I glanced over my shoulder at my siblings, Ellis was showing dad and Bailey some pictures on her phone. They were talking animatedly, probably sharing stories about their adventures here.

Warmth filled my hand as Mom sidled up to me and slipped her hand into mine, squeezing gently. "What's up lovebug?"

"Hey," I said, returning the squeeze.

Mom released a long breath as she stared in amazement at the view. "This was a good idea, thanks for bringing us here."

"Yeah," I smiled. "I come here a lot acutally."

"You do?"

"After work sometimes."

Mom nodded. "Remember when Ellis and Bailey ran away?" she asked.

I chuckled. "Oh God, how could I forget?"

"Ellis had that purple banana seat bike."

"Didn't it have tassels?"

"Oh yeah, tassels and a basket." Mom nodded.

A slow smile crept along the corners of my mouth as I relived the memory. I was thirteen. It was a beautiful summer day, and I had the whole house to myself. Bailey and Ellis were at Sofia's.

And then the house phone rang. It was mom.

" _Hey... Lovebug,"_ s _he said in a tone that suggested she needed me to do something._

" _Hi mom," I replied, curious._

" _Listen sweetheart, I need you to do me a big favor."_

" _What?" I asked, eager to help._

" _I need you to dig up the emergency cell phone from the drawer, and then I need you to take the bus down to our spot where we watch the ferryboats."_

" _What? Why?"_

" _Your brother and sister decided to pull a Huckleberry Finn and run away. Except Sofia is a very bad liar, and gave up on the bike ride there to come to the hospital and tattle. Well, Amelia bribed her, but anyway, there was a bus accident and your dad and I are elbow deep in trauma. I'm in the scrub room right now. I know you've taken the bus there before. They're taking the bike trails, a car would be useless. I need you to go meet them there before they do something silly, like build a raft and try to sail down the bay and live off of catfish or something."_

"I can't believe you trusted me to find them," I admitted.

"Oh, I knew you could," Mom shrugged. "But your father..." Her head tilted in dad's direction, "That's a whole other story..."

"He was mad?"

"Furious, but I told him... Nobody else knew the way. You guys hung out here all the time, if anyone could find them you would. You were thirteen. Old enough to be on your own, try stuff on your own, be independant."

I snorted. "Bailey didn't talk to me for a week."

"He got over it."

"Yeah."

The sky brightened. Darker blue became grey tinged with orange as the sun burst orange streams of light while ascending from it's mountain hideaway. Gazing over at the cityscape, the ferry, the mist rising from the bay, my mind wandered. How many more sunrises like this would we get together?

"I missed you, mom."

"I... missed you too Zola," Mom replied tearfully.

I squeezed her hand. "Earlier, you said something about... the bathtub."

Mom shook her head, "It's... It was... I don't really remember." But her eyes told me she did.

"Mom, I know what happened." I said quietly.

She pulled her hand away from mine and figeted nervously. "It was just a- an Alzheimers thing, that's all."

"Mom-" Don't lie to me, my eyes said as I turned to face her.

"I don't know..." her lips trembled and her gaze flitted upwards as she thought about it. "I don't remember the last four years that well, there's just these gaps... but I remember feeling... just feeling that I had to be, or try to be _normal._ Whatever _that_ meant. I'd wake up and have to figure out where I was or who I was, or what I was supposed to do. And for awhile, it was okay. I could figure it out mostly, but I guess...I don't know... how do you forget to brush your teeth? Or wash your hair? Or eat? I'd wake up and I'd know I was supposed to do _something_ , but I didn't know what... and after awhile, it got so hard. I felt _useless._ You and Ellis would help me and that helped a lot, but sometimes... I'd have these moments where I'd see you, really see you..." she shook her head. "It's not supposed to be like this. You guys aren't supposed to be doing this for me."

"Mom-"

"-I resented my mother so much. My world flipped when she was diagnosed. My life? My plans? I practically had to throw them out the window the moment the plane touched down from Europe. How could I do that to you? I'm not Ellis Grey, I love you all too much."

"Mom, we love you that way too. How can we, as your kids, not try and give you our best effort?"

"Is it so crazy for me to put my children's happiness before my own?" Mom retorted.

"When you decide to do it by drowning in a bathtub, yes."

The look on her face broke my heart, "Zo-I didn't mean-" she started, but I couldn't let her finish. It wasn't her fault. It was her disease, and everything else.

"I know," I pulled her in to me, crushing her to my chest. God, she felt so small... I was easily a head taller than her. "It's okay, we're happy. We're figuring it out. And you're a part of that."

When I pulled away, mom rubbed my arms and sighed deeply. " _Are_ you happy?" she asked, her gaze focused and clear, seeing into me like only a mother could.

I gave it serious thought. What was the definition of happiness for me at this moment? I had everything I needed, I was working the job I wanted, my years of study had paid off. Professionally, I was happy. My job was hard, but it was rewarding.

I thought about home. Taking care of my mother was draining, but it wasn't hurtful. It was involved, but it wasn't hard. It required a test of my mental agility sometimes... but she could make me bust a gut laughing too. I was happy at home. I chose to be happy taking care of her.

Personally?

I thought about Julian. I hadn't seen him in person since I left Ethiopia...

" _Zola! Zola!"_

 _I turned, hearing my name. Julian ran through the crowd toward me, waving._

" _Julian!" I exclaimed. "What... what are you doing here?" I was minutes away from catching my plane. I already packed my things, said goodbye to him and Peter and Phil and Dr. Stanley and everyone else. Even little baby Derek, who we nicknamed B.D._

 _What... what was he doing here?_

 _He was panting when he ran up to me._

" _Here," I offered him my water bottle. He took several gulps, and even risked a little on his face to cool off. It still hadn't rained, although, by the look of the darkening clouds, it seemed it would arrive just in time._

 _I waited, nervously glancing at the clouds, and then at the tiny airplane a few hundred yards away.._

 _Julian's chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath. "I..." he sputtered._

" _What's wrong? What is it? Is it Dr. Stanley? Oh God, is it B.D? He's okay right?"_

 _My knapsack felt so heavy and hot on my shoulders. My back was damp with sweat. I stared at Julian, confused, worried. My best friend was here, right before I had to take off. Why? "Julian?"_

 _He looked at me, he looked at me in a way that pierced my heart. He looked at me the way dad looked at mom. "I am in love with you Zola," he said._

 _What? What did he just say? Stop. Rewind. Play. He's in love with me? Me?_

 _My bag slipped off my shoulders and landed with a thud. I stared, speechless as dust blew around us._

 _Julian beamed. A brilliant crescent. "I couldn't let you leave without telling you that."_

 _He reached over, I felt his hand cup my cheek. "Jul-" the rest of his name was muted by his lips on mine. My lips tingled like they were touched by sparks from a sparkler candle. My cheeks flushed, my heart pounded. I never felt this before in my life. He was the first man to kiss me besides my father._

 _He pulled away, panting slightly._

" _I..." What did this mean? Did I love him? How would I know? Oh, why did he have to do that? "Julian, what... I um... do- I..." I stuttered. I never stuttered. Ellis stuttered, Bailey stammered, but Zola Shepherd does not stutter._

 _Except after being kissed._

 _He smiled. Again. Pressed a finger to my lips. "Shh," he said. "You don't have to say anything."_

 _Good, because I had no clue what to say._

" _Go and take good care of your mother. I' will see you soon."_

 _His embrace was strong and fierce, as if he was transferring strength to me. I wrapped my arms around him, taking as much as I could, my face burrowed into the crook of his neck. I didn't know... I didn't know I needed him. "Okay," I said. My cheeks hot with tears._

 _And then I heard the call for my flight. We released. Julian picked up my bag and handed it to me. "Okay... see you." I said, stepping backwards toward the hangar._

" _See you." He waved and watched me as I boarded._

 _As the plane lifted off, I looked down and he was still there. And then it began to rain._

"Do you remember Julian?" I asked.

She furrowed her brows thoughtfully. "I think so..."

"He told me... he loves me." I said quietly.

"Zola!" Mom smiled, a wide loving smile that I missed.

"How did you know you loved dad, mom?" I asked.

"Oh... I..." she laughed and nervously glanced around. "Well, it was complicated at first. I mean, _I_ was complicated. It kind of just happened...but," Mom turned toward Ellis, Bailey and Dad, watching them watch the ferryboat dock. She bit her lip. "It was here," she pointed downward, "When I thought... I _could_ love him. I guess... this is where it started."

"Here?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said, wistful and excited at the same time. "So... do you?"

"Love him?" I asked.

"Yeah," she stroked my hand.

Julian and I were still friends. We kept in touch, even though we were extremely busy. I never told him how I felt. Because... I didn't know. Or did I? "He adopted a little boy," I said.

"Oh... that's-"

I swallowed. "I miss him," I sighed. "But, I'm happy, Mom." I could, I could love him, I suddenly realized. Maybe I did already.

The foghorn blasted and we watched the ferryboat disembark. "No matter what happens, Zola, with me or your father... I want you to be happy. I want you to live your best life. Life is full of surprises, you can't plan for everything. Sometimes..." she looked over at dad, sharing a box of cereal with Bailey, laughing about something. "You just have to go with it."

The sun was now a little higher in the sky, the clouds a distant line on the horizon, and the pink-orange sky now a light blue.

My phone buzzed. I sighed. I should probably let work know I wouldn't be coming in... I slid it out of my pocket and tapped it.

It wasn't work that had been calling me all this time.

It was Julian.

 **A/N:** Thanks so much! More to come. I know you probably want to hear more about Derek and get some Merder, it's coming. We're going in slow-mo as I set up a few things for the next half of this journey. So thanks!


	42. Once Upon a Time

**A/N:** I know I have a bunch of other stories to update, but with everything going on personally, I just feel I need to lose myself in this one... Thanks Patsy, mandyg67, busybee, Hasi2012, and mckennaa for all your encouragement.

Picking up right where we left off:

 ****M** rating at the end of this chapter!**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Derek**

 _I have a thing for Ferryboats._

 _I know a place where we can watch the sunrise over the Ferryboats..._

The ferryboat departed while the sun rose, causing the water to spark gold and amber off the deep blue of the bay. I have a wife, Meredith. Since I first saw her in North Cove, I felt a connection, and when I first kissed her? I was pulled into a different world. This one.

I have a son, I thought as I handed him the box of Lucky Charms, Bailey. He looked like his mother, especially when his eyes flashed with mischief. But he also seemed to have a deep intelligence and sensitivity that belied his charm. I have _two_ daughters, Ellis and Zola. Ellis, who... had my hair and eyes, but her mother's hands and smile. And Zola, our adopted African beauty who had her mother's strength and her father's ambition.

I forced myself to be patient. It was a gift, I'd been told. This time of lucidity was a gift, and as much as I wanted her to myself I knew there was things for them to resolve. Bailey, Zola and Ellis had taken care of their mother for four years, they deserved some time.

Frankly, I was still processing it all. A few short hours ago, I'd opened my motel room door and stared right into my daughter's eyes.

Since then, I'd been trying to make sense of everything.

 _I tossed and turned on the lumpy bed between sleep and wakefulness. I'd just trekked through a mountain pass, my body ached, my mind... turned off. As I drifted, I kept seeing her. Meredith. I imagined knocking on the door, and..._

 _What? What would I say? What would I do? It had been ten years. Would she remember me? She didn't before... or did she? I groaned. Why was this so hard? But rejection was a cruel punishment. I closed my eyes. I just... needed... My eyelids closed. Blackness. Peace._

 _I jolted awake. Was someone knocking? Who the hell... what did they want?_

 _I sat up and forced my weary body to move. Prepared to tell'em to fuck off._

 _When I swung the door open however..._

 _It wasn't anyone I'd ever expected._

 _It was my daughter. I recognized her from the documentary I watched._

 _Confused, I stared. How did she find me?_

 _Ellis stared back at me, eyes wide, mouth open... a deer in the headlights look. I probably did'nt look how she expected._

" _Um..." I stammered. What do you say when your long lost daughter arrives at your door?_

 _And then she bolted down the hallway, pushing past the guy standing behind her._

 _The two of us guys stared at each other, equally confused, before chasing her down the stairs. "Ellis!" I called after her._

 _Sock-footed, I stumbled down the stairs and across the parking lot. My body ached with pain and stiffness but I didn't care. Ellis. My daughter. She found me. Where was she going? Ahead there was a line of trees, and a huge bank of snow. "Ellis!" I called again, hearing the thump of boots behind me as her friend, boyfriend? Followed me._

 _I was close, within reaching distance, and then..._

 _There are moments sometimes... when I can sense... when I know what's going to happen next. In this case my body knew what would happen before my mind did. I stretched out my arm._

 _Whoosh! She fell._

 _Somehow I caught her. But her weight pulled me down._

" _Ellis!" I screamed. My arm strained with the weight of her 110 pound body. Cold wind blew through my cotton T-shirt. Snow started to soak through to my chest. I shivered. But she looked up at me... and my heart broke._

 _My daughter. I was face to face with my daughter. Ellis. I just needed her to hang on. "Ellis!" I risked a glance behind me. Where was that guy? I held on as tight as I could. Just a few more seconds._

" _Dad!" She cried out._

"Derek?"

"Huh?" I blinked, feeling a pull on my hand. Meredith. "Hey," I said, looking down at her. My wife. I have a wife.

 _I want to marry you. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old, in your arms._

Her hand slid into mine, easy and natural. I have a wife. We fit. "What's wrong?" I asked, suddenly noticing her concern.

"So... Zola has a... thing, so we have to go."

"Oh." I said, worried. "Everything okay?"

Meredith sighed and shrugged. "t's a long story. Bailey's going to go with her to the hospital. Ellis is going to find Alex... but I was thinking..." she bit her lip.

"What?" I asked.

"This gift thing... you probably have a lot of questions. We don't have a lot of time, Derek. There's so much..." She inhaled, pressed into me, rested her head on my shoulder. "Oh... I missed you, so much."

"Me too," I murmured into her ear.

"I was thinking we could go to the trailer."

"The trailer?" I asked.

"Your old trailer. We still have it. I'm surprised it hasn't fallen apart... but... I just want to be alone, with you... away from the house and the kids, and the sex flashbacks..."

"Sex flashbacks?"

Her lips curled upwards seductively. "Um... nevermind..."

"Uh huh," I smirked. I kissed her on the forehead. "Are they going to be alright? The kids?"

Meredith looked up at me, her emerald eyes shining. "I... don't want to leave them... there's so much... but... I have Alzheimers. I don't know how much time we have together like this, and I can't-" she shook her head. "You need to be ready. And you're going to need to know some things about us... and..." she sniffed. "I just... I need _you_. I need this not to be a dream or a hallucination, and..."

"Okay." I cupped her chin, stroking her cheek with my thumb. Her eyes shone as she fought back tears. "Okay," I murmured, kissing her lightly on the lips.

It was a gift.

xxx

Bailey, Zola and Ellis left while we waited for a cab. It was just us, waiting at the top of the hill, looking out over the Bay as another Ferryboat pulled up.

Meredith squeezed my hand. "It was here..." she said.

"What?" I asked. "We met here?"

"No," she giggled. "We met at a bar."

"Oh," I sighed. "That sounds..." How the hell did I pick up the love of my life in a bar of all places? It just seemed so-

"What?"

"Lame." I shook my head in disbelief.

 _Is this a good place to hang out?_

"Only to your male ego." Meredith grinned. "Hey, it worked didn't it? You found the love of your life at a bar."

 _I'm the kind of guy you need to get to know to love._

 _So if I know you I'll love you?_

"Hmm. So what happened here? Our first time?" I could see it, making out with Meredith while we looked out at the view... the stars shining brightly over us. Was I really such a romantic? I wanted to think so.

"Mm no, that was the same day we met."

"A one night stand? Really?" Okay, that threw me. I never thought of myself as one of those guys.

Meredith rolled her eyes."And I found out my one night stand was my boss..." she said. "But you wouldn't give up."

 _You and me. It's not the thrill of the chase. It's not a game. It's... it's your tiny ineffectual fists. And your hair. It smells nice. And you're very, very bossy. Keeps me in line._

 _I'm still not going out with you._

 _You say that now._

I gestured around me, "So this is...?" I asked, raising my arm in a sweeping gesture at the brilliant scene in front of us. The Ferryboats. The sunrise. The streaks of orange and purple clouds in the sky.

"This is where I decided to stop fighting it. That maybe it was worth it. That maybe I could let you in... maybe there was such a thing as true love... maybe I could..." she stopped, and I squeezed her hand, waiting for her to finish.

"Maybe I could love you," Meredith squeezed back.

xxx

We took a cab and got on the Ferry, the whole time Meredith sat with me in the back, her hand holding mine, like she never wanted to let me go. If it had been any other situation, any other person, I would have found her to be very clingy. But I understood. I needed it too.

After ten years apart, we clung to each other like teenagers in love.

"This far?" I asked as the cab wound along the gravel road. The journey seemed to take forever. I hated waiting.

"Yeah," Meredith said. "Derek... there's something you should know..."

"What?" I pulled her closer to me. When she curled into me, her head on my shoulder... something in me clicked. The hole, the void in my heart that had paralyzed me for so long, was filling up. I wasn't drowning anymore. I could breathe.

"We're going to our land. Our Dreamhouse was built here... and- your sister lives there now."

 _Our_ land? Dreamhouse? Sister? My throat constricted, "I... Sister?" I stuttered.

"Amelia," Meredith said. "Amy. She's away at a conference now... I think Bailey was trying to reach her. You'll meet her soon."

"Oh..." So I have a wife, three kids, and a sister...

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"It's just..." I couldn't describe it. I recalled a similar trip down a winding road with Sarah. Coming up to a pile of rubble, finding nothing. No trace of me. No hint of my life among that wreckage. And now? I had everything I ever wanted and more... I had a sister, land, a trailer, a dreamhouse. I had beautiful perfect children and a gorgeous wife. How could I forget all of that?I was both overwhelmed with immense joy and bittersweet sorrow because I couldn't remember it. Slowly, my gaze met my wife's. Remarkably, her expression mirrored my own. _I know._ Her gaze said. _IloveyouandIneedyouand I know._

She understood. Perfectly.

The cab slowed down, the driver asked for further direction, and Meredith pointed.

 _Show me something. Give me a reason to believe._

 _Where are we going?_

 _Trust me._

We stopped at a little grassy knoll beside a dirt road. Meredith paid the driver and we got out. I held her hand, oddly nervous. But I forgot my nervousness when I saw Meredith's elated grin. What was happening? What was she doing? "Um, okay..." she said, pulling me along. "I was raised an only child, but later found out I had three half sisters. My mother was Ellis Grey, a famous surgeon. I like strawberry ice cream... Tequila, straight up, but wine is okay too. I like to play solitaire, I do the crossword almost daily, and when things get hard, I love to dance it out. Favorite book? Gray's Anatomy. I practically memorised it as a kid. Favorite color? Purple, like lavender. Favorite band? Well that depends what decade I'm living in at the moment. Scars? I have a few... and you love to kiss them when we make love."

We stopped at a little clearing. Meredith gestured to the slim metal Airstream trailer parked in the middle. It had a little deck and awning. A chair and a hammock rested under it. "And this?" Meredith continued, "This is your trailer. This is what you lived in when you first got here."

Beyond the trailer, a large classically designed, well-kept house graced the background. "You bought all this land and you had no idea what you were going to do with it. But... we met. We fell in love. We moved in together. We got married, built this house, adopted Zola... Had Bailey and Ellis. This is our home Derek. This is us. This is you."

Swallowing, I gazed at the land before grass was frosted over from the morning mist. Instead of an ocean, the horizon overlooked the bay. The house on the ridge was beautiful and rustic, and was well kept up. "This..." I stammered. "This is... we..."

Meredith leaned her head on my shoulder, patiently waiting. "Yes," she said softly.

And I don't know what happened, my heart suddenly seemed to catch up to my brain. I was twisting and tumbling in the tsunami. Debris of the past ten years drifting by. I gasped and clutched my chest.

" _What's this?" Sarah asked, staring at my plans._

" _I'm building a house."_

" _Why do you want to build a house?"_

" _I want domething permanent, something that lasts."_

" _Nothing lasts. Things get destroyed. People die."_

" _I want to build something. We can build this. Let's make plans."_

My knees felt weak, dizziness attacked me. I swayed. "Oh," I couldn't stay upright. Meredith caught me and I knelt down, breathing deeply. Fat tears welled under my lids and spilled down my cheeks. "Mere," I breathed, "Is this...? I'm-" I touched the cold ground. "I'm home?"

 _It's a classic Victorian design with an open floor plan. If you don't like, you can tell me. It's your house too._

 _I'm not saying we build it now, but we have to plan it now._

 _I'm just trying to take a step forward._

 _We stay here, we work here, we move into that beautiful house you built us!_

Beside me, Meredith rested her hand on my thigh. "Yes Derek," she said, her breath fogging in the morning air. "We're home."

xxx

Time slowed to a stop as we sat there together while I tried to cobble myself back together. I was unraveling, I could feel it. Something in my mind was coming loose. Meredith rubbed my back, her hands warm and the pressure firm, and finally she pulled me into her as I struggled to breathe.

"Are you remembering things?" she asked.

I wished. "No," I said. "It's... hmm," I struggled to describe how I was feeling. Before... there was so much uncertainty, so much doubt, and emptiness. I felt so empty before... and now...

I was drowning, but in a good way.

Instead of being crushed by a tsunami...

I was being crushed by love I never knew I would find again.

I breathed deeply and the scent of lavender pulled me to my senses. Meredith's lips hovered over mine and I reached for her touch. My hand cupped her cheek, my fingers tangling in wisps of her hair as we kissed, soft and slow, reverent almost. I poured myself out to her in that kiss, and she caught every little bit of me and gave it back, better than before. "Hmm," I hummed into the crook of her neck as she clutched me.

After a few minutes, she stood up, offering her hand. "Let's go for a walk." I stared up at her, mesmerised by those beautiful green eyes and the strength behind them. How did I ever find her? Fall in love with her? Marry her? How was I ever loved by someone as amazing as her?

I took her hand and let her help me up.

"Meredith," I said as I stood. I put my hand on her upper arm and gazed into those endless emerald irises. "I love you."

With tears in her eyes, she stroked my cheek, her touch silk against my weathered skin. "I love you too." And then she took my hand and guided me along the path.

For a while we walked in comfortable silence. But Meredith seemed deep in thought. Like she wanted to tell me something but didn't know how. She kept looking at me, and then looking away.

After the third time, I kissed her cheek. "What's going on in that head of yours?" I asked.

"There's so much to tell you..." she shook her head, "I have no idea where to start."

"The beginning?"

"That's a big beginning..." she trailed off.

"Is our story really that epic?" I asked.

Meredith giggled, the sound like sleigh bells. "Kinda, yeah. Especially now. I could probably write a whole series based on us..."

"Hmm..." To my right was a line of trees, and the sparkle of lake behind them. "Well... let's see... how do most stories start? Once Upon A Time... there was a charming prince..." I flashed a dreamy smile at her.

"A charming _Married_ prince. Who was a _frog_. Yeah! A _married_ charming _frog_ prince-"

"Wh-What?" I asked, maybe my fairytale wasn't exactly how I imagined.

"-That I wanted to squish with my boot!"

"Mere-"

And then she laughed. "C'mon, this is going to take awhile..."

We travelled up small rolling hills, off the beaten paths, trekked through clearings with small spruce saplings... and I learned of our first intense months together, and the heartbreak that followed... and the healing that started after...

"You drowned?" I whispered as I stared at our reflection in the lake.

Meredith crouched down on the dock, wrapping her arms around her knees. "Mhm," she said. "Not my finest moment..."

Flashes of dark swirling water, reaching... swimming, pushing through...

Her hand on mine pulled me back to reality, I gazed down at her, my wife. " _You_ saved me," she said.

I was pretty sure it was the other way around...

 _It's like I was drowning and you saved me._

Meredith seemed to want to leave, so I let her pull me away from the dock. We climbed a small ridge, and I found out that I proposed to her in an elevator after I removed a tumor from her friend's brain.

 _You're about one in twenty people in the world who can save her._

 _And this... this is when I knew I needed you._

Holding one hand with both of hers, Meredith confessed the day we made our vows on a post-it was the same day her friend George died.

 _Take care of each other when old, senile and smelly._

We stopped under a grand cedar tree and she kissed my chest, explaining that I _had_ indeedbeen shot.

She told me about trying for a baby after a miscarriage. How we found Zola, tried to cure Alzheimers, lost Zola and almost each other, but got it all back.

How a plane crash took her sister and my best friend and gave us a hospital.

I learned that somewhere, there is a little pink shirt that says 'World's best big sister.'

We stopped halfway around the lake, and I picked up a couple of smooth stones, reminded of Benny, and the life I left behind. Meredith copied me and we skipped rocks as I told her a little bit about that.

She changed the subject, and soon was telling me about brain mapping and Harper Avery Awards and Switzerland. We rounded the lake, the sky darkening from late afternoon clouds heavy with possible rain.

A decrepit old bench beckoned to us, and our tired legs complied. Sitting down, I stretched out and wrapped an arm over her shoulder.

"I get this dream..." Meredith started, sighing as her finger traced an invisible figure eight on my knee. "Instead of me chasing you down to the airport with your passport, you show up back at the house with the kids, all frazzled and mad because you missed your flight."

"Really?"

"Yeah..."

"And I miss the tsunami."

"Yeah..."

I kissed her softly on the temple. As if to say, you're not dreaming this time. "Meri..." A small smile quirked up on my lips. I remembered a dream I've had off and on too. "I used to dream that I'm looking for you... in a clearing... here... I think." I shook my head. "It's crazy... I'm just...so desperate to find you and... there's candles all around, and champagne. You're... I can't see you, can't make out the details, but you're there and something big is going to happen but..." I sighed loudly, and cover her hand with mine.

She pulled away abruptly, startling me. "Seriously? The house of candles?"

"What?"

"You remembered that?" She asked.

"Uh, well I... Meredith?"

"It's just... I practically proposed that night."

"What?"

Meredith jumped up, pulling me with her, "C'mon," she said.

"Meredith?"

"Let's go!"

Suddenly I was on my feet being dragged off the bench by my _wife_. "Where?" I followed her through frosted grass, back along the road, over the crest of a hill. Meredith walked quickly, pulling her jacket close to her body to protect her from the chill and soft drizzle of rain. But her hand never left mine.

We pushed through some trees, and then she stopped, and I nearly knocked her over.

We stopped right between the house and the trailer. "Oh," I gasped when I saw the view.

It was just like my dream:

 _I stood in an empty field in the dark, except for the flicker of candles at my feet and the distant twinkle of stars. My breath hitched with expectation, something happened here... something important._ _Suddenly I felt something in my hand, an overflowing champagne glass, the bubbly liquid dripping over the side and leaving my fingers sticky._

 _I swirled the champagne in the glass and took a sip. The fizzy liquid tinged my tongue with a sweetness and slight acidity. What is this place? Some kind of memory?_ _The candlelight glow started to fade. Then I realized the candles weren't just randomly scattered about. They're an outline. An outline of something... House plans?_

 _A breeze blew in the sweet aroma of fresh night air, grass and dew and salty mist. I looked around, really looked. I'm on a hill. It's dark out, but as I walked out to the edge, somehow I knew exactly when I should stop. In the distance, city lights flickered and illuminated the sky with a pink-orange glow. Did I live here? This city? I saw the dark blanket of what could be a river or lake or something. Lights flicker on it too. Boats._

 _My hand traveled to my chest, and even though I was in some sort of dreamspace, I felt the slight indent of the bullet wound._

 _Someone saved me. I thought... Someone I don't remember._

 _Someone did this..._

 _For me._

 _The candles flickered around me again and the wind picked up. Suddenly all the candles are lit, and the outline of a simple floorplan is now clear and sharp in my mind. In the middle, a shadow... No, it's a figure... a person._

 _The candles dimmed almost to nothing, again. The wind cooled and bit my fingertips on the champagne glass. But it wasn't the outline I'm interested in anymore. The figure in the middle drew me closer. I reached and brushed hair away from her bangs-_

I blinked as tiny droplets of rain dotted my forehead. "It was real? That night? The candles? You... we-" I stuttered.

"Yeah!" Meredith grabbed my hands in hers and smiled brilliantly. "I practically robbed a Bed Bath and Beyond for all those candles... But I loved you Derek... I could never not love you. I had to try, I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be happy... and being with you-"

 _We can be Extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart._

I didn't wait for her to finish as I trapped her words with my lips and plunged in. I felt exactly the same way.

xxx

Meredith fumbled around for a key to the trailer, finally finding one in an old flower pot. "We made a million copies of these things... the kids were always losing them."

"Mm," I hummed as she opened the door. I followed her in, wincing at faint whiff of mold. "Moldy," I said.

 _Odd, a little dusty..._

"Yeah..." she sighed. "I guess no one's really been in it since..." she sighed, her fingers trailing across the kitchen counter.

"Mere?" I asked.

"I gave up..." she muttered to the ceiling. "I should've tried harder. I wanted to... I -" She wrapped her arms around her thin frame, and turned to lean against the counter, her gaze downcast.

I shook my head. How many chances did I have which I ruined with my own pain and self doubt? "Me too," I said simply. This time it was me who reached for her. "There's no blame here..." I pulled her close and she didn't resist.

"It's just... you missed so much."

"Yeah," I swallowed the lump in my throat. My son was a surgeon. My oldest daughter was a nurse... My youngest seemed to be well on her way to carving her own path.

And my wife?

She was extraordinary.

I'd missed a few milestones, certainly. "I'm here now. I'm okay," I shook my head. "I'm not going anywhere." I wouldn't miss another minute, not if I could help it.

xxx

After a long silent tearful embrace, Meredith sighed and wiped her eyes. "Coffee. I need coffee."

"Coffee." I smiled, kissing her nose.

She giggled and scrunched her nose in a way that seemed so familiar and cute. We scrambled around, looking for coffee and coffee accessories. Finally I found a tin in the back, and gave it a cautious sniff. "I think this is still good."

"Good," Meredith said, pulling out the coffee maker and some filters.

A few minutes later we were settled on the couch, the coffee in old red mugs warming our hands, our knees touching. It seemed we couldn't bear not touching each other, and unlike the time I had with Sarah, touching Meredith seemed so...

Perfect.

I felt her shiver. "Cold?" I asked, stroking her thigh.

"A little," she admitted.

I looked around, was there a heater in this thing?

"The heater broke years ago," Meredith said, reading my mind. "I think," she smiled as if to laugh at herself, and then her expression broke. "Oh God!" she exclaimed, suddenly putting her cup down.

"What? Meredith?" I bolted forward, concern squeezing my heart.

"I'm..." Her whole body shook as she clutched her chest. "I'm- what if I forget you? I'm gonna forget... and... Oh! Derek, I'm so sorry-"

 _If you forget... I'll remind you, everyday, who I am._

"It's okay," I tried to console her, but she shook her head and stood up, tugging at her shirtsleeves. "Meredith," I tried again.

"I can't..." she shook her head again, backing against the kitchen counter. "I don't want to lose you again. I keep losing you and I can't find you and-"

"Shhh..." I stood up and strode toward her until I stood right in front of her. There was nothing for her to do but look up at me. My heart ached at the sadness in her eyes. I broke her. I left her and I broke her one too many times and she suffered for it. I broke her. Alzheimers broke her.

I had to put her back together.

I leaned in... gazing at a little freckle under her ear.

"I was in the bathtub... and I just-"

"-Meredith," I said softly, my breath against her skin. "Shhh..." I ran my hands down her arms stopping when our fingers interlaced. "I will never leave you," My lips grazed her ear and burrowed into the muscle of her trapezius. "You can let it go... Just let it-" from that corner, I traveled down her collarbone, pushing through her sweater to the heat of her skin. "-go."

She shuddered and gasped involuntarily against me. "You'll never-"

"No," I said, pushing her sweater up, warming my hands with the heat of her body as my fingers explored.

 _Scars? I have a few, and you love to kiss them when we make love._

"Even if I forget you-"

I met her gaze again, quickly. "No," I said. I wanted to kiss her scars.

"Or call you McAss?"

I shook my head, lost in the moment, lost in her.

"Or throw things at you because I have imposter syndrome?"

Underneath her sweater, my hands snaked upwards, and I unclasped her bra. I wanted to make love to her. My wife.

"Or- ohhh" she sighed when I caressed her breast with my thumb.

"Mmm," I murmured as my desire for her grew.

"Derek..." she whispered, and I pulled the sweater completely off, the bra dropping to the floor. I yanked my sweater off as well, and took her hand in mine and held it to my chest. Just over my pounding heart.

"I'm right here. I'm okay. I'm not going anywhere. You'll always be able to find me."

She pleaded with her open mouthed look, _make love to me._ And with everything I had, I plunged my tongue through her luscious lips, scratching a ten-year-itch. She stumbled back in surprise, but quickly responded with unrestrained passion.

The skin to skin contact we shared caused us both to shiver, and I gasped, "Meredith..."

"Bed," she panted as we came up for air.

"Yeah..." I stepped back, guiding her with my hands on her hips. With a swift motion, she unbuckled my belt. "Mmm," I moaned as I devoured her lips again before laying down with her on the bed.

Every caress, every stroke of her hands and mouth on me awakened something inside, and every response I had to her felt so right. "Hmm," I breathed as she circled my earlobe with her tongue. I pressed against her, trailing kisses down her chest, looking for her scars.

"Ohh" Meredith moaned in pleasure, gently rocking her hips. I straddled her, unbuttoning her jeans and pulling them off. My hands slid all over her smooth skin, before I suckled on her left breast, and then her right, causing her breath to hitch in tiny moaning pants.

The time we were apart didn't seem to matter at this point.

All that mattered was Meredith. I leaned back to gaze at her, take in her beautiful flushed body.

She continued to rock under me, as she did, she slid her hand under her panties, pleasuring herself. "Mmm," she said, flushing with sweat.

I felt myself harden under my jeans. I leaned forward to kiss again, but she stopped me with her free hand. "Wait," she said. She kept rocking, caressing her own breast and staring at me with heated desire.

I ached with need.

"Oh!" Meredith gasped suddenly, and she twitched and flushed, on the curtails of an orgasm.

"God, Mere," I leaned forward again.

She shook her head, pulled her fingers from her now wet underwear. "Watch," she said. She trailed her index finger, wet with her own fluid, down a tiny indent on her side. "Appendectomy," she said, marking it. "I chose you"

She chose me. I leaned over her, and kissed it softly, tasting her sweetness. Meredith dipped into herself again, and trailed her finger down an L shaped scar nearly down her middle. "Liver," she panted, "I saved my father, and maybe my sister. You were with me in the OR."

"Meredith," I said in awe, my tongue lapping every bit of her. I felt like I was only scratching the surface.

"Oh," she said, almost in tears, even as she rocked.

I pulled off my jeans, no longer able to contain my erection. I cupped her face and kissed her deeply.

"One more," she said.

This time, I reached down, batting her fingers away.

"Derek," she gasped.

My fingers slid easily into her heated vee and I massaged her counter-clockwise. She made a discombobulated sound and her wetness covered my fingers, I licked one. "Where?" I asked.

"Here," she took my hand and brought it under her belly button, in the dip between her stomach and her hips. "C-section. Bailey... and Ellis..." She licked the tip of my other finger. "You delivered her."

I swallowed and drew a careful thick line over the scar, which was slightly more visible than the others. I wanted her, I thought as my tongue brought goosebumps to her smooth flesh. I needed her. She was Everything. Alzheimers or not.

"Derek," she pleaded.

I hooked my thumbs in her underwear and pulled them down over her knees. She bucked with anticipation as I rubbed her inner thighs. "Hmm," I sighed deeply. "Im so glad I found you."

"You found me," she gasped.

"I never would've, if you didn't go to North Cove every year." I kissed her sweet lips again, catching her breath in mine. I wanted to give her everything. I had ten years of love to make up for.

"I..." her sentence was lost as I lavished her breasts. "Ohhh," she writhed under me, and I could hardly restrain myself now. Something must be right if I lost my entire memory, but still knew how to make love to my wife.

I bent down lower, kissing her scars again. Loving her again, I caressed her belly button, her C-section scar. I kissed the grove between her thigh and her swollen mound.

"Derrrr-ek," she moaned, her hand in my grey curls as she tried to control herself.

I parted her lips and began my work, teasing my way through her pink flesh, working her into a shivering frenzy.

Soon, I was over her, one knee between her legs as her arms wrapped around my torso, the pressure of her body around me causing me to buck against her. I felt myself slipping. On the edge of no control.

She pulled my boxers down, and twisted a little, giving me access.

When the tip of my penis stroked her, an explosion of sensation caught me by surprise. "Mere!" I barked.

"More!" She begged, lifting her leg and bucking her hips. "I'm-"

I plunged into her core and she yelped. God, she was so tight. "Are you-" I asked worried that I hurt her.

She shook her head, tears in her eyes. "No, please... finish, please... I need you."

I needed no more convincing. Where before I was gentle I could no longer be. I ground my hips, tucking my chin into her shoulder, kissing her clavicle, rubbing her nipple, and the more I did so, the more...

The void in my heart grew smaller and smaller.

Meredith lifted her legs, pulling her knees up for deeper access and I thrusted harder, the friction driving my insides crazy, coiling me like a spring.

"Derek," Meredith said between pants and moans. "I never wanted to..."

"I know," I said, stroking her sweat soaked chin.

"I had to take care of the kids..."

"I know..." I whispered into her ear before I licked it.

"I'm sorry," She said into my hair as I kissed her breast bone.

"Shh... I forgive you." And I truly did.

"Huuuh," Meredith breathed as I brought her to a whole new level. "Oh God, Derek, God-" She writhed against me, harder and faster as I thrust into her. "Ohhh" she whimpered, on the cusp of an orgasm.

"Mmm," I could only moan, as I too, balanced precariously on the edge of overriding pleasure. I propped myself over her, pumping furiously, needing that release.

And it came. A breath of fresh air. I tensed in her, ramrod straight and hard, and then I pulsed, spilling into her as she shook in ecstasy.

" _So what am I to you?"_

 _Debris swirled around me as I struggled for air._

" _Someone you screw to get over being screwed?"_

 _I'm being pulled under. I'm drowning. There's nothing for me anymore. There's no one. I'm no one. What's the point?_

" _You're like coming up for fresh air..."_

 _Something white and hard and round hooked under my armpit. A life buoy. I can barely make out the print. S-A-G-I-T..._

" _Like I was drowning and you saved me."_

 _I came up from the dark depths, gasping and sputtering among trees and branches and other debris. The wave pushes me at several miles a second. I'm spinning and swirling again, but somehow I keep breathing._

I gasped as I released into her. "Meredith," I breathed as I slid to her side. "I..." I'm speechless, I have nothing to say, so I just gazed at her rosy cheeks, flushed lips, the sheen of sweat on her brow. Her sparkling green eyes. How did I ever forget her?

She kissed my forehead, stroked my chest, sighed. "I'm glad you're alive," she said, smiling.

"Hmm," I rumbled. I had so many questions... so many things to say... I didn't want to miss another minute. I closed my eyes, exhausted, as sleep claimed me.

 **A/N:** Please Review! Thanks so much Everyone for your amazing support!


	43. S'nice way to wake up

**A/N:** Last chapter was a trip, yeah? I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks to my fan club for your encouragement... Life is very very busy... but I'm always relieved to shut out the world and fall into this one.

 **Enjoy!**

 **Zola**

Sunlight reflected off of the space needle, and I fumbled for my shades while navigating a tight turn on the winding road.

" _Zola, it is me..."_ Julian's voicemail message echoed in my memory. _"I hope you are well. Please, if you can call me right away, I am in Seattle. I have B.D. Something is wrong with him and I-"_

"Zo, What's going on?" Bailey's hand scrabbled for balance as I pressed the accelerator and shifted gears, turning into the appropriate lane to get to the hospital. "Zola?"

"I don't know!" I exclaimed, "He just said B.D was sick and they were admitted this morning." Worry shook my voice, and I swallowed. Focus on the road... just focus, I told myself.

"Watch it!" Bailey yelled as I raced through an intersection, narrowly avoiding a red light. I had to get there. I had find out what was wrong. Just when things were sort of looking up, something had to happen.

We dashed into the hospital and I pulled out my phone, dialing Julian's number. No luck, it went right to voicemail. Desperate, I glanced at my brother, my eyes pleading. He always knew what to do.

"C'mon," he squeezed my forearm, and it was like we were kids again, dashing through hospital hallways on a secret mission. Oddly, the memory put me a little at ease. I followed Bailey to the elevator, and my back thudded hard against the wall as I panted.

"Hey..." Bailey looked right at me with clear calm eyes. In that moment, I was reminded of dad. "It's going to be alright," he said. Like he knew, like he had some kind of power to just know the future.

I nodded, comforted that at least he was here. "Thanks," I said. The elevator tugged, and I watched numbers light up. Two... Three...

"So you and Julian?" Bailey asked.

I hadn't really had a chance to share much about my life. Everything revolved around mom this last year, our personal lives kind of got pushed to the side. I shrugged, "I want to be with him... I think. We've just been... busy." Julian and I skyped as much as we could. He was working as a consultant for the U.N. and lived in France. But he had been talking about coming here... permanently.

"Hmm." Bailey said.

And then we were on the peds floor, swiftly walking to the nurses station, to get the room number.

It didn't take long to find them. In a room bedecked with teddy bear wallpaper, Julian lay astride his adopted four-year old son. His tall frame melded easily against Baby Derek, who bore a central line and a nasal cannula, but otherwise seemed okay. I hovered at the door, watching both of their chests rise and fall, Julian's... and then B.D's. The way a heart beats. _Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum._ They looked so peaceful together like that.

They were going to be okay right? Bailey pushed past me to the computer and started to access their chart. I hovered. They had to be okay. They would be okay, right.

 _People who hover in doorways are coming from nowhere and are heading nowhere,_ mom used to say. So I stepped in quietly and gripped the end of the bed.

I"Who's his doctor?" I whispered to Bailey, but my gaze remained on two people who were becoming so important to me.

"Uh..." Bailey clicked, "Alex admitted him, and Dr. Peters is consulting..."

"Peters?" I wasn't familiar with the name, "Who's he? Is he good?"

Bailey sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. "I'll go find him okay?"

I got the impression that maybe he saw something that worried him and he didn't want to tell me. Protective much? So there I was, alone with them. I checked B.D's IV, and noted he'd been sedated. Hopefully that was a good thing. He was only four, and so little. My hand stroked his, and I was reassured by the thrum of his pulse and the warmth of his fingers. He was going to be okay.

He had to be.

On the other side of the bed, Julian stirred a little, and the peaceful look that was once on his face started to disappear. And in that moment, that very second, I realized that I loved him. Because if something happened to him... if something happened to B.D... It would hurt me too. My life would never be the same.

I leaned down, and seemingly out of it's own accord, my hand carressed his cheek before I gazed at his thick full lips, and kissed him lightly.

His eyelids fluttered open, "Zola..." he said, looking up at me.

"Hey," My hand dropped and rested on his knee as I sat down on the bed, nestled in the crook of his legs. "I'm here."

"I am glad," he squeezed my hand. Julian's fingers trace his lips, and his eyes glimmered."It's a nice way to wake up," he grinned beore glancing at B.D. Suddenly his usual reassurant gaze looked troubled. "He was sick and then he had a seizure. I was on my way here anyway, so..."

I felt Julian's fear, the sudden uncertainty of such a vulnerable little child being sick, how terrifying it was to suddenly not be in control. So I squeezed his hand, "I know," I said as I pulled my legs up and squeezed in. "I'm here."

xxx

 **Ellis:**

I didn't like Alex's new house. It was a townhouse style three-bedroom, fairly new. But... so not Alex. But whatever. I'd been trying to call him since Zola told me about B.D, and he hadn't been answering his damn phone. He never not answered his phone... especially if it was from me...

The taxi driver cleared his throat, and I pulled out a wad of cash and handed it to him, not bothering to count it. Zola could have driven me, but she's an insane driver when she's worried.

I hustled up the steps and pounded on Alex's door. No Answer. Was he even here? He had to be here, I knew he wasn't at the hospital, I'd already paged him.

Calling his cell again, I cursed when there was no answer. Dammit. And no spare key. "Alex!" I yelled and pounded on the door until my hand hurt.

What to do? I glanced around before slipping around to the back door. Through the kitchen window, I saw into the small living room where Alex's familiar bulky frame lay on the couch, still in his scrubs. He must be dead tired, but Thank God he was home. With a pocket knife, I jiggled the back kitchen window open enough for me to push it open and pull myself inside. "Alex?" I called, "Alex!" I shook him.

"Whaa... fuck off..." he muttered, batting my hand away.

"Wake up!" I hissed, squeezing his knee.

"The hell, Ellis?" He mumbled, eyes still closed. "Lemme alone."

"Get up."

"No..." he rolled over, turning his back to me.

Dammit, the fool... didn't he know why I was here? Then I realized that he probably hadn't connected Julian to Zola, and that B.D was probably just another patient. So I went with the other thing that I knew would wake him up. "Alex, Mom's lucid."

"She'll be fine..." he muttered, my words going right over his head. "Always is."

"No... she's lucid!" I shook his shoulder.

"Argh!" he yelled, "G'way!"

God, he must be really tired, I thought, and for a second, I felt sorry for him. For a second. "Stop being a grumpy ass jerk and listen to me!" I punched him in the arm, hard."Mom. Is. Lucid."

Those three words seemed to have an effect. That and the pain from my punch.

"What?" he sat up, rubbing his arm. "That's not funny El, that's not... don't say crap like that, unless-" but his tired brown eyes met mine, and when he finally saw my expression... he knew. "She's lucid? Mere's..."

"Yeah," I whispered, before dropping another three word bombshell, "and... dad's home."

 **Meredith.**

I was on the verge of sleep, exhaustion beckoning me to come hither and drift off, but I rubbed my eyes and fought it off. I couldn't. Not now. There was a man in my bed. Derek was here. I couldn't stop staring at him. There hadn't been a man in my bed... in _forever._

This was real.

The last few hours... the last few _minutes_ proved it to me. He was here. In my bed. Okay, well the trailer's bed... but- semantics. He was laying beside me right this very moment.

Snoring. Albeit _lightly_ snoring, but still... and it was ironic, because he always teased me about my snoring... but now... I was watching him sleep. Which was a thing Derek used to do, and I always thought it was mildly cute and creepy at the same time.

 _Are you watching me sleep?_

But now I got it. Now it made sense why he used to watch me sleep. Sleeping Derek looked so... at peace. Worry lines disappeared from his countenance, and his jaw slackened in a manner that made him look... almost boyish. Except for the grey hair, dangling in loose curls over his eyebrows, which I found sexy.

Crap. Only Mcdreamy could turn me on while still sleeping and _snoring_. I leaned in closer to him, trying to catch his heat. My bare shoulders poking out of the blanket were freezing, but I didn't dare wake him. I wanted to soak this up. Any moment I could go into never-never land and forget him.

Under the covers, I softly stroked him from hip to thigh, hip to thigh... trying to just live in the moment.

I was lucid. This was real. We talked, kissed... made passionate love to each other for the first time in ten years. And I was terrified to fall asleep. Terrified to wake up and not know where I was or who he was... or what was happening. Terrified to put him through that.

Scared that despite his promises, I would drive him away.

 _If you're scared, that just means you've got something to lose, right? And I don't want to lose you._

Sighing, I blinked, wiped my eyes, and snuggled in closer to him, relishing the rare intimacy of our skin touching. He shifted and sighed, draping an arm over my hip, his hand splaying across my lower back.

Breathing shallow breaths, I watched for signs of wakefulness, but he snored away, blissfully unaware of my inner turmoil. Lying there, I pressed close to him, the back of my left hand feeling the thud-thud-thud of his chest, and my right hand teasing his wayward curls as he rested.

I didn't want to forget this.

 _I can live without you, but I don't want to. I don't ever want to._

"Hmm..." Derek's soft timbre shook me out of my zoned out trance. His breathing changed, his eyelids fluttered, and he shifted, sliding his hand from my back to my buttocks. I bit my lip, unable to stop the slight rock of my hips at his touch. "Meredith," he murmured, voice smooth like honey. Dreamy blue eyes stared at me. "Are you watching me sleep?"

"I am." I replied, shrugging. "You snore."

"What?" Disbelief tinged his tone. "I don't snore!"

I giggled and traced a line across his chest, circling his nipple. "Yes, you do," I stared at his lips. Those beautiful pink lines... "But it's okay... there's a cure," I said.

He propped his head up on his fist and raised his eyebrows. "A cure? Really?" he asked with a smile that made my heart skip.

"Yeah," I leaned in close and tilted my head, aiming for his lips. "Kisses," I whispered, before my lips sealed his response and I lost myself. My leg snaked over his, my heel lathering his calf... and all my fears disappeared. There was just him. Derek. And I wanted him. All of him.

Dammit, I was so incredibly horny...His breath hitched and I felt him harden with desire under me. So was he, apparently.

Sitting up on the bed, we languished in soft kisses, our hands caressing, exploring. His burning lips touched me in so many places that lacked attention over the years I quaked. The covers fell as I straddled him, but I didn't miss it. We were creating our own heat now. I felt the skin on his arms and shoulders prickle with goosebumps, and I pulled him close to my breast, shuddering when his tongue and lips swirled around my nipple. "God..." I panted before I did the same to him and he moaned low in his throat.

"Meredith-" Derek gasped, his hot breath breezed against my shoulder.

I tossed my head to the side, exposing my neck for him to kiss, which he did, while my hair tickled his cheeks.

Our lovemaking became more intense as our desire grew, and I just wanted him inside me, around me, everywhere.

When he filled me, I gasped. We were together, connected, one. Nothing mattered now. For a few brief moments my fears were forgotten as he thrummed inside me and I wrapped my legs around his back. I wanted this. To forget my worries, to feel safe and loved. And as he filled me, every ounce of fear and self-doubt was shoved away with every push of his hips.

 _I think we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart..._

My insides ached and sparked with need. "Derek..." I whimpered, caressing his ear with my breath as I licked his temple, the salt of his sweat only increasing my longing for him.

"Mmm," was all he said as he panted.

 _But I'm gonna try... I'm gonna try and trust you and-_

And then Derek moved, turning to hover over me as he thrust. My fingernails dug into his back as he sank further into me and I knew he was close.

 _You have a piece of paper?_

The tempo increased, several sharp stacatto beats as his manhood plunged in and out, licking me with the heat of his flame.

 _I don't. I-I have post-it's._

 _Okay. What do we want to promise each other?_

 _That you'll love me..._

He lit me up, warmth spreading like wildfire from his release.

 _Even when you hate me._

"Ohhhh..." I sighed as the orgasm rippled through me.

 _No running. Ever._

My muscles twinged involuntarily, and I collapsed back on the bed, sated. Derek moaned as he rode out the shockwave of his own climax.

 _What else?_

 _That we'll take care of each other, even when we're old and smelly and senile. And if I get Alzheimer's and forget you..._

He trailed kisses down my shoulder and collarbone before pulling out and resting his head against mine. "I love you," he whispered.

 _I will remind you who I am, every day._

I pulled him tight against me, and we just lay there... inheriting the moment.

 _It's not about the sex. It's about that moment afterward. When the world stops. It just feels... so safe._

After awhile, Derek fell asleep again. But I couldn't.. I didn't want to. Carefully sliding out of bed, I stumbled about the trailer, searching for clothes.

 _This is humiliating on so many levels..._

 _Why don't you come back down here and we'll pick up where we left off?_

 _You know what, we don't have to do the thing..._

 _I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower, and when I get back... you won't be here, so goodbye... um-_

 _Derek._

 _Derek. Right. Meredith._

 _Meredith... Nice meeting you._

Coffee, I needed coffee. I dug up the tin we found earlier and scooped a few tablespoons to start a pot. While it percolated, I stared at the Derek shaped lump in the bed. Holy crap, fairytales. I believed in them now.

The pot sputtered it's last drop, and I picked it up, pouring the hot caffineated elixer into my cup. A shadow outside the window caught my eye however, and I opened the door. Who could it possibly be?

"Meredith!" Amelia exclaimed, clutching her hand to her heart. "You scared me!"

Just as surprised as she- I stood there, mute with shock. Amelia? What was she doing here? How did she know- Wait- _did_ she know-? I stepped out of the trailer, the door rattlling closed behind me.

"I just got off the phone with Bailey," she explained, peering past me into the window of the trailer. "He's alive?" she asked, her voice warbling with barely contained emotion. "He's here?"

I managed a nod, not ready yet to share him. Amelia stepped toward the door but I blocked her. "He's sleeping," I said, and _naked._.. "And Amelia-"

"-He has amnesia. Bailey told me," Amelia sidestepped me to try and get in again, and I practically hipchecked her. "Hey, c'mon, that's my brother..." she started, and then she looked at me strangely.

"What?" I demanded. My husband was naked inside, and he had amnesia. I wasn't about to let my sister-in-law barge in and catch him off guard.

"Oh my God, You had sex!"

Heat spread over my cheeks as I blushed. How does she do that? Does she have post-coital radar or something?

"More than once," Amelia grinned slyly. "Hot trailer sex! _Mere!_ "

"I-we-" I stuttered, feeling like a teenager. "It's none of your business!" I snapped.

Amelia just smiled, the crowsfeet around her Derek-blue eyes crinkling. "I know... I'm just, I'm happy for you, that's all." She tucked her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and rocked on her heels. "You're lucid..."

"Yeah..." and I wondered if she knew what this meant. What it really meant. "For now."

She simply nodded, absorbing this new reality. "So does he remember me?" she asked finally.

I shook my head, no. "I told him he had a sister, though. He seemed excited to meet you. I think... some of it is coming back so..." I shrugged. I didn't really have any answers for her. Looking up, I saw her eyes watering as her facade started to crack, and I couldn't keep her away any longer. "Come in," I held the door open for her. "Just stay... over there." I whispered.

She followed me in and I scooped up Derek's clothes from off the floor. I gestured to the kitchen table and chair before heading to the bed. He'd sprawled out in my absence, his hand resting on the pillow where my head would've been. The bed creaked as I sat down beside him, cradling the bundle of clothing in my lap. "Derek," I stroked his cheek. "Derek... wake up."

He hummed and snuffled, so I met his dour lips with mine, pulling on them softly.

"Mer... s'nice way to wake up..." he smiled at me, eyes still closed.

"Mmhm," I hummed back at him. "There's someone here to see you."

He rubbed his eyes. "Someone?" He said blearily. "I was having this dream..." then he rubbed his bare chest "My clothes..."

Smirking, I handed him the bundle. "Here, get changed. Your sister is here..."

"What?" Derek blurted, surprised.

"Hurry up," I muttered. "I can only hold her off for so long."

xxx

Amelia was scrunched into the seat between the kitchen table and the wall. Her head snapped in my direction as I appeared from the bedroom. When she saw me, she wiped her eyes and sniffed. "We gave up... we all thought... I mean-"

"Hey," I said, shuffling to sit beside her. "It's okay." Derek wouldn't be mad, he wouldn't be angry... this was good. I touched her knee. "He's here now." We just had to move forward. There wasn't time or energy for regrets anymore.

"Yeah," she cracked a half smile. "Meredith, this isn't just a social call. Bailey asked me to bring you two to the hospital."

"What?" sudden worry struck me. Zola and Julian. I'd forgotten. That little boy, B.D. What was wrong? But my thoughts were interrupted When Derek entered the room, not naked.

"Hey," he said.

"Derek!" Amelia launched out of her seat, practically jumping right into his arms.

"Oof," he exclaimed as she squeezed him so tight. "Amelia..?" he guessed.

"Amy," she corrected.

"Amy."

Amelia had taken it hard when he disappeared, and if it wasn't for all of us sticking together for each other, she would have been worse off. "OhmygodImissedyousomuch." she bleated into his shoulder, and even though I'd already kind of been through this already, my throat felt tight with emotion at their reunion.

"I..." he replied. "I know..." he choked as tears ran down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," she croaked.

"Don't be." Derek murmured softly. "It's okay."

After a few minutes of nothing but sniffling from both of them, Amelia wiped her eyes and pulled away, "Okay, we have to go."

"Go where?" Derek asked.

"To the hospital," I said, standing up. "The thing... with Zola." I jerked my thumb in the direction of the city.

His expression darkened with concern "Is she okay?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said.

xxx

In the back of Amelia's car, I filled Derek in a little more on Zola and Julian. It made me feel old. Our daughter, who used to entertain us with pink princess tea parties, now had a maybe serious boyfriend, and he had a son.

"How bad is it?" I asked Amelia from the back seat, as we rounded about to the hospital.

"I don't know..." Amelia said, "They're running tests."

"Okay." So there was nothing to do but wait. But when I looked at Derek, his features were pinched. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"Oh," he said as he stared out at the window. "Just a headache."

I took his arm in mine and leaned my head on his shoulder. "When we get to the hospital, I'll get you some tylenol." I stroked his thigh, yawning.

"Mmm. Are _you_ okay?" Derek asked.

I didn't want to tell him how tired I was, because he would make me get some sleep, and I didn't want to miss it. I couldn't... I didn't want to miss a thing while I was lucid. So I deflected, and chose the second thing that was bothering me.

"I... the hospital, Derek... we're going to the hospital."

"Yeah... And?"

"Well, I-"

"You're nervous."

"Yeah." What would I say? I was lucid, Derek was here... What would everyone else say?

"Can't be a bad place," Derek said. "We got married there."

Hmm, so we did, I thought, remembering the post-it, remembering that day, how I felt... what it meant to have someone in this with me. Damn him, Mcdreamy always knew what to say.

And then he hugged me, and I loved him even more.

xxx

Derek gave the hospital an appraising glance as we stood outside, flecks of drizzle spritzing our faces. Beside us, Amelia shivered, tucking her chin into the collar of her jacket.

"C'mon," she said, taking a few steps ahead. I took Derek's hand and we followed her in. Thankfully it was a quiet afternoon, and no one seemed to notice who was actually entering the building, because if they did... well I think the gossipy nurses would probably faint. Around here, our story was legend. At least, that's what I heard.

Hand in hand, we rode the elevator to the pediatric ward, and when the door opened, there was Bailey.

"Auntie A, Mom, Dad..." he smiled a little at Derek. "You're here just in time. They're going to prep him for surgery."

"Surgery?" We all rasped.

"They found a tumor in Baby Derek's brain. It's small, but it's malignant."

"What?" I followed him quickly over to their room. There was Zola, so grown up and mature, talking to that little boy, comforting him. And Julian... I'd never met him in person before. He was tall, like my daughter, and sleek and dark. But even though he was worried, there was a vibrancy in his demeanor. I could see that he loved her, and that little boy.

Maybe I would be a grandma someday.

"Let me see the scans," Amelia was saying, "What's Dr. Peters' approach?" They leaned over the chart, talking med talk that would have caught my attention, except Derek groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Hey, sit down, I'll get you some tylenol."

"Mmhm," Derek slumped in a chair, blinking and running a hand through his hair. He must be quite tired, I thought. But I walked over to Zola first though. "Hey."

"Mom..." She sighed and leaned into me. Her face was downcast. This was heavy news to hear.

I hugged her. "It's alright. It's going to be okay." I said, holding her tight to me. "Dr. Peters is good." I knew, I trained him. He was good. A little arrogant, a little insensitive sometimes... but- "He's not a Shepherd, but he's a good doctor, or he wouldn't be here, you know that. You will get through this. Baby Derek is in good hands,"

"Julian," Zola nudged him, "You remember my mom..."

"Mrs. Shepherd." He smiled. Yup. Zo, you better marry this man before I do, I thought. Or maybe I'd adopt him too. I shook my head, Mrs. Shepherd? Nuh-uh. "Meredith," I said, offering my hand.

"Meredith." His smile broadened if that was possible, even in trying circumstances, he was bright and shiny. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you. I have known your daughter for a long time now, and she... is a wonderful friend," he said delicately.

"Mm," I nodded in agreement. "I have to get your father some tylenol, okay?" I said, turning to Zola, "I'll be right back."

I headed off down the hall, in search of a nurse or someone I knew who could help. As I rounded the corner, I struck something hard.

"Watch it!" came an angry snarl.

"Oops, Sorry- I-"

"Mere!"

Suddenly, I was wrapped in powerful arms and lifted off the ground. "Alex!" I laughed as he spun me around, "Put me down!" I kicked.

When my feet found the ground again, Alex held me at arm's length, examining me with his warm brown eyes. "You're lucid?" he asked.

"Yeah... I- yeah..." I panted, caught up in his excitement.

"Where's Shepherd?" he asked looking behind me.

"Derek- he's um- " I gestured back to the room. "I'm getting him some tylenol." How did he know? And then I remembered that Ellis had gone to talk to him. "So Ellis told you..."

"Yeah, your freaking daughter broke into my house and practically jumped on my bed. Well, the couch."

"I'm glad... I mean not about the breaking in thing but... I'm glad you're here... and Derek... I" but I couldn't continue, suddenly, I couldn't breathe. "Oh," I panted, rubbing my chest.

Alex immediately caught on, pulling me to a quiet corner, "Hey, hey hey... what's wrong?"

I took a few deep breaths. "I'm... I'm just tired. It's a lot... it's been a lot." I'd been holding myself together, but now I was in the presense of someone who had always been able to see through me and I could barely keep it up.

"Well, you can crash in my office later if you want." Alex offered.

Sleeping was not on my Agenda. Derek needed me. My kids needed me. "No, it's okay," I smiled, trying to reasure him.

Alex was not fooled. "Mere, what is it?" His office was only a short distance away, and he dragged me there.

"N-nothing," I tried again as Alex handed me a Tylenol sampler. I tucked it into my pocket, and took a deep breath, on the verge of a panic attack. If I could just regulate my breathing...

But he stared at me, and I knew I had to give him something. "I just... well, Zola's sort of boyfriend's son is here with a brain tumor... And I think Zola's really in love... and Peters better not screw this surgery up or I'll kill him." Alex nodded, but now I couldn't stop. It was like a pressure valve had been released, "And Derek..." I shrugged, "He just shows up here all knight in shining whatever, but he doesn't remember anything except how to have hot hot sex... And I'm really horny and well, you know... And now I'm scared, I'm so scared to fall asleep, 'cause what if I do and this is all a dream or worse, what if I go back? This isn't a miracle, Alex, I know it isn't because it happened to my mother. She was lucid and she said stuff and then she died... she died, Alex. What if it happens to me? This stuff happens you know, statistically speaking, I have a good chance at dying pretty soon. I can't die...I'm not done. This freaking story isn't done-"

I stopped talking abrubtly as I followed Alex's gaze to Ellis who was standing in the doorway. "Crap."

"You're gonna die?" she said.

"Ellis- I" But it was too late, she was already running down the hall. I chased after her. "Ellis, wait!"

"Just give her some time," Alex was right behind me. He took my arm. "let's go check out that kid."

"But-" I whimpered, leaning against him.

"Ellis will figure it out, but you need to be with your husband, and Zola." Alex said. "It's all you can do for now, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered as he walked me back to B.D's room.

When I got there, they were rolling B.D out to the elevator. The boy was still sedated. Zola and Julian held onto the rails of the bed as the orderlies pushed him through.

"It's going to be okay," Zola was saying to Julian, who leaned against her. "It is."

Derek stood in the doorway of the room, facing out. He looked suddenly tired and pale.

"Hey..." I remembered the tylenol. "Alex gave me some tylenol. I'll get you some water."

"Okay..." he whispered.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I feel... oh..." He rubbed his temple, and I knew it was bad. Possibly a migraine.

Suddenly, I felt of surge of strength and clarity and I knew what I had to do. "Okay, okay. Zola, you go on ahead. You need to be there for Julian. Your father and I are going to go to Alex's office... and if you see Ellis can you please tell her to come find me? I said some stuff and... Alex, Go scrub in, I want to know what's going on in there. Take Bailey if you can..."

And then Derek and were alone, and I was pulling him across the catwalk to Alex's office. "C'mon."

But he stopped me in the middle of the catwalk. "Mere- I..."

"What?" I asked softly, smitten by his tone, his misty eyes... Damn you Mcdreamy!

"You amaze me. You've... you've been holding everyone together. I-" he shook his head, and then pecked me on the temple. "I love you."

I sighed... relieved that he noticed, that he understood. But when I began to lean into him, his eyes rolled back, he went limp and nearly knocked me over. "Derek!"

 **A/N:** Uh-oh, cliffie... guess you'll just have to hang on...

But... I do have news for you! While this story still has several chapters to go... I have begun the first raw draft of a **sort-of Sequel** , tentatively titled, **The Fight for Extraordinary.** The story will take place a few years after the events here.

A brief summary: Several years after the Events of A Fight To Remember, Ellis Shepherd is compelled to write the story of her namesake, Ellis Grey, even as she confronts her own personal problems. Will feature all the sibs and touch on their lives, where they are at, and our favorite couple of course. It will be Bittersweet, but Amazing.

So tell me what you think...

Thanks!


	44. The Wife in the Waiting Room

Thanks Patsy, mandyg67, greysfannn and izgreysfan and everyone else who faved and followed! This was, by far, the most difficult chapter I have ever written. Partly due to my hectic schedule, and partly due to... well I had to make it just right!

 **Here we go!**

 **Ellis:**

I was in the tombs. In other words, the basement. It had been flooded when the tsunami hit, so where once this used to be the place where interns crawled to gossip and lick their wounds, it was now pretty much condemned.

" _This isn't a miracle Alex, I know it isn't because it happened to my mother. She was lucid and she said stuff and then she died… She died Alex. What if it happens to me?"_

My mother's voice echoed in my thoughts, and I kicked an old decrepit gurney. "No." I said, almost a sob. "NO!"

Was this it? The surge or whatever? Would I really be left with just an amnesiac father who didn't remember what it meant to be extraordinary?

"I hate you!" I screamed at my mother. "I hate you and your stupid heart and your stupid goddamn Alzheimer's and fucking lucid moments that break me every time. I hate you!" I swung my foot at the gurney again, but I missed, and kicked the wall instead. "Ow, damn it!"

"I thought I'd find you here." A deep voice echoed.

"Richard?" What was he doing here?

"I still have my ways." His lip quirked up slightly. "Well actually, I was gonna visit Miranda for lunch, and saw what happened with you and your mother and Karev… and I followed you."

"Oh…" I sighed.

"So she's lucid."

"Yeah," I wiped my eye, an angry tear threatening to spill. "Is it the surge? Is she really gonna die soon?"

Richard shuffled up to me, his cane tapping on the worn linoleum. He leaned against the gurney and it squeaked. "I don't know," he said, "and there's no way to tell."

"Think _she_ knows?" I asked. "Can she sense it or something?"

"I'm not sure it works like that."

"I just-,"

"You're hoping." Richard said, "You're hoping for a miracle."

I nodded and hopped up on the gurney Richard was leaning against. The last few hours had been an emotional roller coaster. When would it stop? "I found him," I said, watching Richard carefully for a reaction. He blinked hard, and his jaw dropped. "I found dad. Well he kind of found us too, and he showed up, and somehow mom was lucid… I don't know how that happened but- I-," My chest heaved as I felt the enormity of what was really happening here.

It felt like a miracle. But for how long?

"These things happen," Richard said, reaching to touch my shoulder in a measure of comfort. It helped, actually. "It happened to your mother and grandmother. We don't know what the outcome will be. This time with your mother… It's a gift."

I recalled a certain conversation I had with my mother at one point about this, "Mom told me about that, her mom being lucid. It's not her best memory," I said. I never knew my maternal grandmother. No one really knew her. Aside from her surgical life, she was an enigma.

Richard nodded, "it was hard on your mother, her intern year. Your grandmother didn't want anyone to know she had Alzheimer's. Meredith bore the weight of everything herself, until Ellis passed."

"I'm scared," I admitted. "What if she's right? What if she dies?"

"You don't know that she is." Richard said. "As far as I know, she's as healthy as she can be, and she has lots to live for. Especially now that Derek is back."

I pressed my lips together in a firm line, seeing my mother's stricken expression before I stormed off just a few minutes ago.

"Ellis," Richard's deep voice and squeeze on my shoulder released me from my daze. "You can't run away from this."

"Mom has Zola, and Bailey, and…dad," I stated. "She'll be fine. She's always fine."

"You can't run away from this, Ellis," Richard replied. "Maybe she does have Zola and Bailey, and now Derek. But those people have been looking after her health. I think… right now, she could use a friend," he paused. "Don't run from her."

 **Derek's POV, just before he collapsed.**

 **Derek**

Mountains. I saw mountains through the large window that overlooked the Rockies. I'd only just arrived in Seattle, and this was the first time I truly noticed the snow-capped peaks shining at me, and somehow I was in another time… "Mere-I," I stopped, causing Meredith to stop too, her sneakers squeaking as she put on the brakes.

Something about this spot, this moment…

Something about _her._

" _Have you even noticed that I went through a trauma too?"_ Her voice echoed in my head.

My head ached and pulsed. It started on the drive here, although it had been a dull throb when I woke up, I didn't think anything of it until now. It hadn't felt this bad since I'd been in the hospital a couple of months ago when I'd been pistol-whipped.

I stared at her, my jumbled thoughts trying to form something coherent. It was just now that I realized what kind of woman I married.

"What?" Meredith asked softly, her green eyes seeing into mine, seeing my love for her imprinted in my irises, expressed in my gaze and absorbing it.

Just moments ago, she gathered herself together and told her entire family and the doctors what to do. Bossy. These last few hours… she took _me_ on, her amnesiac husband, and Zola's whole situation, while still dealing with the fact that, she could lose herself at any moment.

"You amaze me," I said, feeling the pain in my head lessen as I focused on her face. How in the world had I found this woman? "You've- you've been holding everyone together. I-," I shook my head, because now my words felt like an echo. Déjà vu. Had I said this before? In another lifetime? I leaned over and pecked her on the temple, my nostrils catching the faint scent of lavender. The pain in my temple throbbed again, but I blinked through it. "I love you," I forced out. Suddenly, the mountains and the large U.S flag in the background tilted away, and the world went topsy turvy before there was black.

 _Derek!_

Xxx

 **Meredith:**

Derek slumped into me, and I struggled for balance to catch his larger frame. "Derek!" What just happened? My muscles strained as I lowered him to the ground. Kneeling, I leaned over him and cupped his cheeks, feeling his clammy skin under my fingertips. "Derek! Wake up!" But he remained motionless. "Derek!

"No," I called, shaking him, "You don't get to die, Derek, please…" Because I needed him. More than ever, I needed him. His safety. His friendship… his-

"Oh, mercy me!" A booming voice exclaimed over me. A weight lifted off my shoulders, I looked up into large brown disbelieving eyes.

I used to be a doctor, I should know what to do… but I blanked, all I saw was my husband, pale and lifeless on the floor. "Bailey, he had a headache, we were fine and then he just- I-," When there was no response I looked up at her, my former boss, my colleague, my friend. The freaking Chief of Surgery, "Don't just stand there!" I snapped.

Shock and confusion etched on her features. Her mouth opened, closed, opened, "I-I-I'm dreaming, I'm hallucinating…" she swallowed. "Grey-."

I didn't have time for her stuttering. "It's him! It's Derek! He came back… he came back for us… but-," _Please,_ I begged her silently. I needed her to get a grip. There wasn't time.

It took her a second, her eyes flashing at me, and back at Derek and then at the sky. "Oh…Jesus…"

"Bailey?" I panted, my hand on Derek's chest to reassure me with the slight rise and fall from his breathing that he was still alive.

"Times like this, a woman has to pray," she responded sharply.

"Well hurry up!"

He was breathing at least. My fingers slid to his wrist for a pulse, a little weak, but steady… It could be anything. It could be just exhaustion. He had hiked through a mountain pass in winter, and while he was fit, it didn't mean he couldn't suffer from exhaustion.

And then something shifted, I didn't feel alone and lost anymore. Bailey snapped orders, a gurney appeared, nurses and orderlies swarmed. Lines were inserted. There was a flash from the reflection of an IV bag. Someone took his hand from mine for a brief moment, and when I grabbed it again, I felt the tape and the hard, plastic tubing of his IV. We were moving all the while, and I stumbled along with the gurney, my feet feeling both leaden and feather-light at the same time.

"Order labs-,"

"Let's get a mask- O2,"

"Page a resident. Uh, Torres- no, scratch that, Perretti, page Perretti."

Bailey's commanding voice faded out as I chose only to focus on Derek, "I just got you back…" I whispered as I squeezed his hand while we rode in the elevator.

 _Kiss me._ I felt him say as I watched over him.

"Oh," I gasped, swallowing. He looked so… and I just-

 _I'm not going out with you. There are lines._

 _So, these lines-_

Pushing the mask aside, I bent over the gurney and kissed him, my lips pressing gently but firmly against his, his upper lip pricked me with very light stubble. I felt his faint breath on the tip of my nose, and I whimpered. If fairytales were real, he should wake up, right?

Right?

But his eyes remained painfully closed and his breathing still much too shallow.

"Grey," Bailey called me, but I couldn't answer, I couldn't move. "Meredith," Bailey wrapped her arm around my waist, and a warm hand came on top of mine. I blinked. We were in the pit. Derek's T-shirt had been cut off, and his belt was unbuckled. His shoes and socks were gone. Strangers moved around me, working on Derek. They hooked up monitors and administered fluids. There was beeping, and hissing noises, and people issuing orders all while Derek just lay there.

"I just- I just got him back," I whispered to Bailey.

"You have to let them work, they need the space."

My hand seemed melded to his. I couldn't let go. "But-," The last time I let go…

 _Derek! Derek!_

A Tsunami hit.

"Meredith, look at me." Bailey demanded, "Look _at_ me."

I tore my gaze away from my husband's pale visage to my friend, mentor, colleague, supporter. Dr. Bailey.

"Do you trust me?" she asked.

Of course I trusted her, but- "I can't leave him." My voice was hoarse and disembodied. My gaze fell back to my husband and I squeezed his hand harder.

"You won't," she said. "You," she paused. "Will wait. Over there," Bailey pointed to the wall. "I need to do this. I need to ask you some questions, get a history… you know how it is, Grey."

I looked back at Derek, my heart aching. "I…"

"You've trusted me with your life many times. Can you trust me with his?"

I thought about the scars he kissed earlier. My appendectomy. The liver resection, I remembered her presence in the trauma room when I drowned. I remembered waking up in a darkened OR after delivering my son, and seeing her relieved tearful face hovering over me.

Yes, I thought.

Derek's hand felt so limp and lifeless in mine. I couldn't think… couldn't breathe. "I can watch?" I asked.

"You can watch." Bailey said.

"Okay…" Releasing his hand, I allowed Bailey to shuffle me backwards to the wall, while I craned my neck over her shoulder to see.

"Meredith?" she asked me gently. "Are you all right?"

"He's gonna be okay, right? I mean, it's just exhaustion," I rattled off, trying to explain the last few hours. "He climbed through a mountain range… he- I mean, we had pizza and he was fine. We even had sex and…" Did I do something? I thought, horrified. Amelia's annoying voice echoed in my head… _You had sex! Hot trailer sex!_ "It's just a headache, right? Maybe some kind of weird altitude sickness?" My mind raced through all the possibilities. An aneurysm, a bleed or a clot… a stroke? "Bailey?" I looked at her as she took this in with a small nod.

"I'll do my very best." She took my hands and squeezed, and for a second I was transported to the scrub room outside of the OR where my husband lay broken and bleeding and I was pleading for my best friend to save his life.

As much as I wanted to stay standing, I couldn't anymore. Bailey turned back toward her patient, in full control of the situation, and there was nothing I could do but lean against the wall, my trembling legs giving out as I sank to the floor.

xxx

 **Zola:**

Julian kissed B.D on the forehead and ran a hand over the boy's tight black curls, and when he finished, he slipped his hand in mine. Just like that. I didn't know what to do, so I just squeezed it as B.D's bed slid into the doors of the OR.

Bailey donned his ferryboat scrub cap, his golden curls peeking out over his ears. "Peters is good," he reassured, "don't worry."

We watched him go in, and I felt a tug in my heart. Was I actually worried? "Come on," I pulled Julian with me.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"Just come," I dragged him around a corner, up a familiar narrow stairway, to a tiny hallway where a stark gray door greeted me. _OR Gallery Entrance_ , the sign said. _Authorized Personnel Only_. I pushed it open and gestured for him to enter ahead of me.

"Oh," Julian gulped, looking down at the operating theatre. Little B.D had just been transferred and was now being anesthetised.

"Is this okay?" I asked, "we can go if you want."

Julian let a long trembling breath out and released his sweaty palm from my grip as he stepped forward, his gaze on his little boy on the table just below us. "Dr. Peters is good?"

"I trust Bailey's judgement," I said, coming to stand beside him as he looked down at the scene below us. "And Alex will be there too. He won't let anything happen."

"Okay," Julian raised his hand to the window, as if trying to connect with his son. Coming so close his breath made light fog on the inside as he watched.

In the stillness we watched as Dr. Peters arrived, nodding to the nurses and staff. Bailey leaned over to a nurse, who clicked the intercom, looking up at us as we gazed down. Alex also arrived, tying a mask over his face as he entered. His presence automatically comforted me, and I released a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Dr. Shepherd," Dr. Peters called his intern up to the draped body of little B.D. His adams apple bobbed as he swallowed, but he stepped toward his attending with confidence. "Dr. Shepherd," Peters said again, and this time he held a scalpel in his hand. "Care to do the honors and open the skull flap?"

Carefully, Bailey accepted the scalpel. He cleared his throat and looked up at us. "It's a beautiful day to save lives," he said. "Let's have some fun."

He began, bringing the sharp instrument down toward B.D's vulnerable scalp.

I pulled Julian back to a chair, "Here, it could be awhile."

We sat and watched for a couple of minutes, and then Julian took my hand again. I could hear his shaky breaths, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see the sheen of tears in his eyes. My heart heaved, and there in that moment, I knew. I swallowed. I had to tell him. "Julian…" I started.

"Don't," he said, knowing exactly what I was thinking, feeling. "Do not say it unless you mean it."

"I love you," I said, the words tumbling out before I could even think. "I love you and I love B.D." I knew I did indeed mean them, because I didn't have to think about it at all.

Julian's usual graceful composure slipped and he blinked, allowing tears to fall. "Thank you," he whispered.

I picked up his hand with both of mine, massaging the back with my thumbs, like mom did with dad sometimes. "It's going to be okay… Everything will go, the way it goes."

There was nothing more to say or do about the situation, so we just leaned into each other and watched the surgery below us.

Until Amelia burst into the OR.

What was she doing here? Concerned, I clambered up from my seat, my attention suddenly on her.

The intercom had been turned off, so I didn't know what she was saying, but my brother's usual calm green eyes looked panicked. He shot a glance at Peters who nodded, and Alex said something to a nurse who quickly gowned him in surgical gear before he took Bailey's place.

"What was that?" Julian asked.

"I don't know," I said.

A few minutes later Bailey trampled into the gallery, out of breath "It's dad," he blurted, "He collapsed, they're taking him for a CT."

"Oh," I said as my heart dropped with worry. What was wrong? What happened? He was fine just twenty minutes ago…

"Are you coming?"

"I…"

But then I looked at Julian, and I knew I had to stay here. With him. Dad was going to have a CT. There would be tests, possibly, but really there wasn't much _I_ could do. Bailey would be there, and Ellis, and there was still a good number of senior staff who knew mom and dad. "Keep me posted?" I asked Bailey.

Bailey looked confused for a second, but he covered it quickly. "Sure…" he said before spinning on his heel and leaving.

"You did not have to do that," Julian said, "Your father-,"

"No," I interrupted, "I did. The whole hospital is here for my mom and dad, but no one is here for you."

Julian squeezed my hand. After a moment, he said, "I think I love you just a little bit more."

"Me too," I replied.

xxx

 **Meredith**

"Meredith? Mere?"

Someone was saying my name. The face in front of me was blurry. I blinked and looked up, "Huh?"

"Are you okay? What happened?"

I blinked again and the face became clearer. Amelia. And behind her, my son Bailey stood. I rubbed my eyes, I was so tired… suddenly I realized what was happening and I pushed myself up off the floor. "Derek!"

"It's okay, he's still here, he's stabilised but they're taking him for a CT."

"A CT?"

"Dr. Bailey thinks he had a fall or hit his head or something and he might have a clot."

"But- he was fine- he- nothing happened…"

"These things happen sometimes. You get knocked around enough, even with long periods of time in between, it still causes damage in the brain."

"I know." I said, pushing through her and my son to the gurney in the room. Derek looked pale, but otherwise okay. Still asleep. I squeezed his hand. "Derek? Derek please… please wake up."

I just had to make sure he was okay.

xxx

 **Derek**

 _Dad! A child screamed._

 _Derek! Der-rek!_

 _I heard you calling me, I thought I was dreaming…_

 _Do not die. You do not get to die on me, do you hear? Do not die! You die, I die! I can't live without you!_

 _Debris swirled around me and I tumbled through the murky water once again. Suddenly it cleared, and I stopped moving, stopped rushing to the shore at seventy miles an hour. Everything was calm… and quiet. I was surrounded by blue and white. The water was cold._

 _Where was I? What was this place? I floated there, spinning, searching. For what? Shafts of sunlight sliced through the deep water, and a sparkle below me caught my eye._

 _I dove down with no thought as to how it was that I was still breathing. With powerful strokes and kicks I pushed through the water, even as it seemed to get darker and darker._

 _Below me, I saw a shadow. Was that what I was looking for? A shadow? I swam toward it. It was shaped, like a body… a woman. I knew that familiar graceful hand, those long fingers, that delicate skin. I reached. I was too far, so I pushed again through the waters, stretching, reaching… our fingertips touched._

 _God, she was so blue…_

 _Meredith…_

 _You were a breath of fresh air. Like I was drowning and you saved me._

 _It's not enough._

 _You don't care about the damage you do to her along the way._

 _I fail her. Over… and over, and over again._

 _I kept pushing, finally my hand wrapped around her cold limp appendage and I pulled her to me. Sunlight glared, burning my corneas. "C'mon, Meredith, let's go." I said, pulling her with me._

 _She was so cold._

 **Bailey**

Dr. Bailey wouldn't let us in the CT viewing room. We could, however, be with dad while they did his scan. Mom stood at the end, clutching his foot as the machine did its thing. My gaze, however, was on the doctors in that little room. Rebecca was there, with the Chief. Seemingly sensing my gaze, she looked up and her expression softened. It had been almost a day since I'd seen her, and I hadn't expected to see her at all today. But now she was here, looking after my long-lost father. I sighed and nodded at her, and she did the same.

We waited.

Finally the machine shut down, indicating that the scan was done. Rebecca entered the room with a couple of orderlies to transfer dad back to his bed. Mom moved from the foot of the bed to the side, grabbing his hand again and following them.

"Are you okay?" Rebecca asked.

I swallowed, my heart thudding hard inside my chest. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm the thinker, I'm the one with all the answers. But there was no class for this. No course for how to deal with your parents just pitching over and collapsing. No course for things like heart attacks and Alzheimer's and amnesia and brain bleeds. Nope.

I swallowed. "I'm fine." I nodded crisply, convincing myself.

Rebecca's gaze traveled over me slowly, taking me in. "Okay," she said, but I knew she didn't believe me. I nodded again and pushed past her to the door.

"Bailey," she called.

I stopped, still staring down the hall, where my father was parked.

"I'm here," she said, "You know, if you're ever, um, not okay."

I didn't know what that meant. I didn't have the emotional capacity for it at the moment. My head tilted slightly in her direction, and then I went toward my father.

He was parked outside, in the hall, because there was a very big possibility that he would need surgery, so they hadn't bothered to take him back to a room. Mom looked so tired. "Mom," I dragged a chair over and patted it, "sit down."

She nodded and collapsed on the chair. "Did you see the scans?" she asked.

I shook my head no.

She took dad's hand in hers, sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest.

"Mom?" I asked.

"There was like… five perfect seconds," she said. "Five seconds where, I was lucid, and he was standing right in front of me, dripping wet. I didn't know he had amnesia, and… we kissed…" her finger dabbed a tear that threatened to spill. "It was magical. I want that. I want that back again. Not this… I don't know how much more I can take."

"It's okay mom," I said, kissing the top of her head.

Just then I heard loud voices coming from the CT room. Dr. Bailey and Amelia. Not good.

Mom heard too and her head turned to the door.

"Stay here," I said. "I'll be right back."

I was surprised that she didn't follow me as I dashed over to the room.

"No!" Amelia was saying, her voice hard and defiant. "We are not waiting! He has a subarachnoid hemorrhage, do you have any idea the amount of damage a bleed like that can do?"

"Of course I do!" The chief snapped back. "I need the best surgeon, and that is Peters, and he is operating on a little boy right now. So, we need to wait-,"

"No," Amelia said. "Peters isn't the best."

Dr. Bailey looked like she'd been slapped. "Excuse me?"

"You want the best? I'm the best." Amelia pointed at herself with her thumb. "I have done this procedure more than a hundred times. How many has he done? Probably none, they are so rare. Not to mention, Peters has been awake for how long? No, he is not operating."

"And you think you can?" Dr. Bailey pointed at her harshly. "He's your brother. He's family. You can't work on your family, that's the rules. There are reasons we have rules. I _cannot_ have you operating on him-,"

"Why? You think I can't handle it? Think I can't handle killing my brother?" Her voice escalated to a shout as she paced.

"I think you can't handle fixing him-,"

"I need help!" Mom's voice interrupted. "He- he's seizing-,"

I was shoved aside as Amelia and the Chief ran toward the gurney in the hallway. And I could only watch as Dr. Bailey and Amelia surrounded him, Amelia snapping orders for a relaxant as my mother was pushed away and my father's shaking body was rolled on his side.

When it stopped, when the dust settled and my heart started beating again, Amelia glowered at the Chief. "I have lived, for the last ten years, thinking he was dead. Now he's back. I'm not losing him again. I won't lose him again. I'm operating on him. You can sue for malpractice, you can arrest me, you can punch me in the face, _after_ I save him. Because I know I can. I can do this Bailey, I will do this."

"You'll need an OR. You'll need nurses, an anesthesiologist-,"

Amelia glanced to some of the staff that milled about. "Word's out. People still know who my brother is, what he means to this hospital, what he means to her-," she pointed to Mom, who just looked pale and sick, leaning against the wall. "They'll meet me on the OR floor," she nodded to a nurse, who nodded back in understanding.

"Meredith," Dr. Bailey said, looking for an opinion.

I shook my head. This was not going to fall on her. "No, talk to me, not her." I turned to Perretti. "Can you watch him?" I asked, and she nodded resolutely, stepping up to the bed. I grabbed Amelia's arm and pulled her back into the CT viewing room, Dr. Bailey right behind us.

I glared at them both, trying to work out my feelings of worry, anger and helplessness. "Can we call another surgeon in?" I asked. "Someone from Pres, maybe?"

Chief Bailey shook her head. "There was tunnel collapse, I doubt there's anyone free."

"Anyone else? From anywhere?"

"Bailey, there isn't time. That seizure? It's serious business, I need to get in there and-,"

"And what?" I growled. "He's not just your brother, he's my father, he's the love of my mother's life. This is not your call."

"See?" Chief Bailey added.

"Bailey," Amelia said, leaning against the desk. "That is exactly why I should operate. You've seen me operate. You've even scrubbed in on a couple of my procedures before you were an intern. I take life and death seriously. I take family seriously. I take risk seriously, I-,"

"Shut up," I pinched the bridge of my nose, like my mother did so often. "Let me see the scan."

Amelia wordlessly handed it to me and I snapped it from her hands, holding it up to the light. "God…" I breathed.

"I think he got hit in the head some time ago, the bleed resolved, but not completely, and now it started again." Amelia said.

My breath escaped from me. Weak and lifeless. "If… if this wasn't your brother, if he was just another patient, you would operate?

Amelia breathed out slowly… and to her credit, she didn't answer automatically like I thought she would. She nodded, "I would recommend surgery," she said.

"What would he want?" I asked more to myself then to her. What would Derek do? Would he want his sister operating on him?

"No," I said. "I don't want you operating on him."

"I do," another voice said from the doorway.

My head snapped over. "Ellis…"

"If I was injured," she continued, "and everything was on the line, and you were the only one available," she nodded slowly. "I'd want you, I'd trust you. Bailey, please… we just- he's just- he's all we have."

"Webber," I said grimly. I needed advice, a weathered opinion, a trusted source. "Where's Richard?"

"I'm right here," he said, shuffling in. "How can I help?"

"You know what's going on?"

Richard nodded. I pushed through Ellis and Richard to look down the hall at my mother and father. Dad was still unconscious, mom was trying hard to hold everything in while Rebecca watched over both of them.

This was it. The choice. Yes or no. In or out. Live or die. To fight…

"I will not let this happen in _my_ hospital…" Dr. Bailey uttered, but I ignored her.

"Do it," it came as a whisper, a barely forced breath from my lungs, "Save him, please." Ethics be damned, rules be dammed, I wanted a father again.

Amelia nodded. "I'll get him prepped."

"Wait," I grabbed her elbow, stopping her in her tracks. She gazed at me, her deep blue eyes serious and passionate, "On two conditions."

"Okay…"

I nodded at Richard, "He scrubs in with you."

Richard's brows shot up as I glanced at him, but he bowed his head in agreement.

"And," my hand reached into my labcoat pocket for the familiar scrap of cloth. "You wear this," Dad's Ferryboat scrub cap sprung from my grip. I'd barely had a chance to wear it, since personalized caps weren't allowed as an intern. Peters had let me wear it with B.D as sort of a favor…

"Derek's lucky cap." Amelia gasped.

"Yeah. He can't die, you understand?"

She took it, her agile surgeon fingers carefully unfolding it and refolding it as she swallowed loud enough for me to hear. "I won't let him," Amelia's voice was low and shaky, but to me it confirmed something. That she wasn't going in a cocky and arrogant neurostar, but a loving sister and aunt, who happened to have a gift that we needed her to use.

"Mom can't know you're doing this," I said as she turned for the door. "Not until you're done." I didn't need to worry her even more.

Amelia squeezed my hand, "I understand."

"Unbelievable." Dr. Bailey said, propping a fist on her hip.

"Hey," I turned to her, "you wanna stop her, go ahead, it's your hospital."

But she didn't move, only stared after Amelia down the hall.

"Alrighty then." I whispered.

xxx

"Mom," I approached her and Ellis, who were both sitting on the floor, Ellis rubbing mom's back to soothe her.

"Huh?" mom looked up. With the heel of her hand, she rubbed her eyes.

"Scans are back," I said, "Subarachnoid Hemorrhage. Apparently,dad might have had a concussion more than a month ago, he probably had a bleed, it seemed to resolved on its own, but… it started again. They have to operate right away."

"Can I see?" she asked. I handed her the scan. "Oh… that's… not good."

"Amelia called a colleague from Seattle Pres," I lied, glancing at Ellis who caught my drift and inhaled slowly, watching for a reaction from mom. "She's good…" I trailed off.

"Okay," mom sniffed. "Okay."

I wanted to tell her that everything would be okay, but I didn't know… I didn't know how it would go.

A few minutes later, Rebecca came to take dad into surgery. The three of us hovered silently over dad. Mom leaned over and kissed him. "I love you," she said softly into his ear. "You can do this," she said.

"Come back to us," Ellis squeezed his hand.

"We need you," I said. "You have to fight."

xxx

 **Ellis**

Bailey had gone to update Zola, I walked mom up to the waiting room, grabbing a couple cups of stale black coffee from the coffee cart. We said nothing for a long time. I felt empty. I didn't know what to say or think, or if I should say or think anything, so I just held mom's hand and rubbed it.

"I'm not going to die," Mom said finally, swirling the coffee in the styrofoam cup.

"Huh?" I asked, drawn out of my empty thoughts.

"I'm sorry you heard that… before… I was just-,"

"Scared?" I offered, recalling my earlier conversation with Richard.

"Beyond scared. I feel like I'm in freefall and I don't know where I'm going to land. I… "

Her grey eyes met my blue, and I could see it… the fear anxiety, uncertainty. "I have no control over anything anymore, Ellis," she said. "I woke up completely lucid on the best and worst day of my life. Dr. Peters is removing a difficult tumor from a little boy's brain, a little boy that reminds me of Zola, a little boy that could possibly become my grandchild. Your dad… he was fine. He was great, and then he-, and now a stranger is operating on him, someone I don't know, I haven't even met. And… I have to sit here. I'm the wife in the waiting room all over again… all I can do is try to stay awake and lucid, and… I'm not ready for the kind of pain that's gonna hit me if he doesn't make it. He has to make it. He has to."

I couldn't say anything, I couldn't promise anything. Words failed me, so I just leaned my head on her shoulder and massaged her trembling hand.

 **Bailey**

Outside of the OR 1 Gallery, I hugged Zola. She sniffed and wiped her eyes. "Oh God," she said. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I replied. "There's nothing you can do right now so…" I nodded to the door. "Go and be with Julian. B.D's surgery will be done soon…"

"Okay. Peters is doing good in there, you were right."

"Good," I said. "I gotta- I should-,"

"I know," she replied. "Go."

I dashed down the stairs, swung around the corner, and crashed into something solid and warm. Correction, _someone_ solid and warm. Rebecca. "Oh, sorry-," I held out my hand, helping her up.

"No, it's okay, I'm fine… I'm, I-," she stammered, tucking strands of her dark hair behind her ears. "I'm on my way to prep your-,"

She didn't get to finish her sentence. Without thinking, I pulled her close, my hand cupping her cheek as I beckoned her to me with a nod of my head. Our lips touched and pressed, and I plunged in, catching her off guard and out of breath. She responded with a caress of her own and we tangled together for a few seconds. Then I felt her hands on my chest and she gently pushed me away.

"I um-," she stuttered.

Crap. "Sorry," I said, taking a step back and running a hand nervously through my hair. "Sorry."

"No," Rebecca leaned forward a little, straightening my collar. "That was-," she sighed, "Don't be sorry." She smiled a little, bowed her head and continued on her way.

xxx

 **Derek**

 _I love you. You can do this._

 _I tumbled in a stormy cloud of debris. Sticks, dirt, and seaweed surge past me at seventy miles an hour. I couldn't breathe, but in the midst of it all, something hooked under my arm. A life buoy. I'm being pulled up._

 _Up, through the water. Out of the water, my body twisted and spun in mid air. Was I falling?_

 _No, not falling, I was unraveling, rewinding. My head throbbed and pulsed in pain. Something in my brain was changing._

" _Dad!" Ellis screamed. Her face… so broken and upset and terrified. Why is my car key bloody?_

" _Why do you eat Mue-sli?"_

" _It's good for you, keeps you regular." I rattled the box and smiled._

" **Okay, we are through the dura… Drill please,"**

" _You forgot your passport."_

" _I just have this New York thing. Live Television, Millions of people watching."_

" _I just can't stay mad at you."_

" _You wanna know what I was thinking when I chose to do this, Derek? You wanna know? I was thinking I didn't want to forget you and the kids! I didn't want my husband to have a wife who didn't remember him!"_

" _You're enough. You're more than enough."_

" **Dr. Perretti, retract a little more, please… Suction…"**

 _I stood on the catwalk of the hospital, staring out at the mountains through the large window. The flag flapped in the foreground._

 _I'm alone. But…_

" _Hey," Meredith stood beside me. Her presence…. Makes me feel alive, more then ever before, and this time I know why._

" _You saved me." I said, trapped by her gaze._

" _Wh-what?" she asked, her green eyes glittering with… confusion?_

" _I remember." I tapped the rail of the catwalk with my index finger to emphasise my point._

" **Five milimeter clip, watch his ICP Perretti,"**

" _You do?"_

" _I was drowning and you saved me."_

" _But Derek, I…"_

" _What?"_

" _How did I save you?"_

 _I remembered her kiss. The feel of her warmth tingling the tiny nerve endings of my sensitive lips. The way her velvet tongue scraped my teeth and raked the top of my mouth. The way her body melded into mine until we were one._

" _With a kiss." I said to her, and she giggled. I held her hand and we stared out at the mountains together._

" **Okay, beginning the Matador move-,"**

" _Promise you won't leave," she said, squeezing my hand._

" _I promise," I replied automatically._

" _Good, cause that would…" she trailed off and I looked over to her._

" _Meredith?" Where did she go?_

xxx

 **Meredith**

Time edged on like a glacier. I was awake and aware, but other than my daughter's hand on mine, I couldn't feel anything. I felt like I was in limbo land again. Why did the universe have to torture me so?

I hated waiting.

I hated waiting _rooms._

I remembered sitting outside the OR while Cristina operated on Derek. I remembered when Zola was in the OR before we got her back. It physically hurt, loving people this much.

 _I was the wife in the waiting room, Derek. And it's so hard to be the wife in the waiting room. So hard, that I walked into that room while the shooter had a gun to you and told him to shoot me instead._

After a while, I got up and paced

I could feel Ellis' gaze tracking me. Back and forth, back and forth.

"You're making me dizzy," she complained.

"I can't stop," I said helplessly.

"I know," she sighed.

The door swung open and I spun around, my heart dropping. It was too soon, way too soon.

But it was Alex. He pushed his scrub cap off and nodded to me. "The kid's in recovery. He's gonna be fine."

"Oh," I clutched the neck of my shirt. Hearing about B.D made a weight lift off my shoulders, and I swayed. Alex caught me as I breathed, "Good, that's good."

"What's wrong?" Alex asked, stepping forward. "Mere?"

"Derek- he's-," I couldn't finish the sentence as I flashed back, watching him sieze on the gurney outside the C.T room.

"He had a seizure, they're operating on him." Ellis finished for me.

"What?" Alex asked, upset. Then his pager beeped. "Damn, another patient, I have to go." His gaze shot to Ellis and then back to me and I nodded.

"It's okay. Go."

"Mom, you're exhausted, sit down. Why don't you just sleep?" Ellis chided.

"No. I can't, and you're starting to sound like Zola."

"Well, sit down at least." She replied.

I sat down, and then… I stood up again.

"It was like this when dad got shot wasn't it?" Ellis asked softly.

 _I will do my very best work._ Cristina's voice echoed in my head.

Visions of blood soaking my scrubs from failed surgeries, from gunshot wounds, from trauma, filled my head and I swallowed thickly. Derek was not allowed to die. "You don't know… how much you love someone," I started, staring into nothing, feeling my eyes droop, "How much you need them, until… they're on the table looking up at you and you're making them promise not to die."

We waited.

I sat down, stood up, paced…

Ellis sighed and kept bringing me coffee in Styrofoam cups that I only drank half of before I lost interest.

She tried to talk to me to distract me, but it didn't work this time. I had no idea where my son Bailey ran off to, but I missed him terribly. At least with him, we could talk surgery. I was about to ask Ellis to call him when the door swung open, and Richard entered. Disappointed, I sat down. But he stood, staring at Ellis and I expectantly. "The surgery is finished," he said softly. "He made it through, you can go see him now."

"Wha… he-," I could barely speak as it suddenly dawned on me. He made it. Derek made it. He was alive.

"He made it through, no complications," Richard smiled and clutched me hard. "Dr. Bailey and Amelia are already there. Come on."

 **Derek**

I heard noises, hospital beeps and hums. The shuffling of shoes on linoleum. Hushed voices, Amelia? Miranda? I sighed. My head hurt. My body felt stiff. I wanted to stretch, but I couldn't. Something heavy pressed against my right side.

"Hmm," I hummed, trying to move my mouth. I felt… light, like I was flying, but I was flying through thick fog and couldn't see where I was going.

"Derek?" Meredith's voice warbled in my ear, pulling me through the fog. "You're okay?"

"Mere," I sighed, and tried to open my eyes, but they didn't want to obey. "What happened?" I murmured, squeezing her hand.

"You had a subarachinoid hemorrahage. You had an operation. You're fine." Just like Meredith to state the facts and gloss over everything.

"Subarachinoid? Like Katie Bryce?"

"Yeah, like Katie Bryce." She stroked my forehead. "Wait, I never told you her name."

"Oh," I said sleepily. I tried opening my eyes again, but it just wasn't going to happen.

"You know… she's the one in million," I said. How could I forget her? "You figured out her diagnosis. She fell, remember? Twisted her ankle, and then we operated… that bleed was so small, but we got it…" I sighed. "She was your first patient wasn't she?"

The heaviness at my side shifted, and I realized the heaviness was Meredith. She'd been lying beside me.

"You remember?" she asked, her voice hoarse and raw. What happened? Had she been crying? I reached blindly for my wife, her cold hands wrapped around mine and I felt the soft wet skin of her tear soaked cheeks.

"I remember you jumped me in the elevator…" I mumbled.

"I did not-," she sniffed loudly, "Okay, I did actually…" There was a long pause, and then a sharp intake of breath. "Derek, did you- are you remembering things?"

I wanted to answer her but I was so tired. I pulled at her waist, bringing her to me. My hand found her soft hair as I wrapped my arm around her, "Sleep Mere," I said. We'd figure everything out in the morning.

 **A/N:** Worth the wait? Please Review!

 **Also, FYI, I will be updating my profile on a regular basis to let you know what stories I'm working on… so feel free to check it out, and any of my other stories!**

Love you!


	45. I Think I Stole a Baby

**A/N:** Thanks ever so, my beautiful fans! Patsy, Greysfannn, Meredith McGarrett, izgreysfan, luicebean, pl782, Guest and Meri. And, of course **all** my faithful readers… without you, this wouldn't be possible!

Thoughts and prayers go out to those suffering in the wake of the many natural disasters that have ravaged us recently. Hurricane Harvey and Irma, the earthquakes in Mexico… wildfires up here in BC, Canada and many, many, more. Today, I booked an appointment to give blood for the first time. Perhaps there is something you can do too.

Anyway, this chap was a monster to write. A slight twist, but it all comes together…

 **Enjoy!**

xxx

 **Derek.**

Consciousness seemed to be so far away. My eyelids were curtains stuck in the closed position. I drifted, part of me semi-aware of my circumstances, the other blissfully ignorant. Except, I _wanted_ to be aware. I wanted to know what was going on.

Meredith. Hadn't she just been here?

Where was that comforting weight at my side?

My fingers wiggled and gripped the sheet. But something felt… off. Like a part of me was… lost. Light pricked my irises for a second before I closed my eyelids. But then my daughter's terrified face loomed in front of me.

 _Ellis!_ I could hear myself cry.

 _Dad!_ Her voice echoed back to me.

A shadow loomed over me. Water? No… a wave. "Uhh," I groaned.

 _The massive black wall rose above me, so huge it blocked the sun. But all I could see was my daughter's terrified face. The wind whipped and tore around us, salt water spray battered my skin and soaked my jacket. I could feel myself slipping…_

 _Dad!_

 _Ellis!_

 _You have to-_

 _You have to-_

 _Let go._

"Ellis…" I breathed, thinking about my youngest. What happened to her?

"Shepherd?"

I sighed and cracked my eyes open to see two blurry blobs greet me. "Derek," a familiar voice called. "It's alright. Take your time, you just had surgery."

I relented, feeling the pull from the effects of the anesthesia. My vision blurred, I couldn't keep my eyes open, and slowly, my eyelids drooped shut.

But- _The wave… big black, and overwhelming, rushed toward me…_ I snapped awake, fighting the pull of exhaustion to be in the present, not… whatever _that_ was. In front of me, two blurry blobs leaned over.

"Hey," Blurry Blob number one said with concern.

"Amy?" I asked, recognizing her voice.

"Yeah Derek," she said, emotion breaking her soft inflection. "It's me."

"Hmm," I sighed, and squeezed her hand. _I'm okay_. "Water?" I croaked. My throat was dry and raw from intubation, one side of my head felt like someone pounded me with a Jackhammer, and I just felt…old.

"Here, this should help" Blurry Blob two said, coming closer. The bed hummed, and I was tilted up.

"Oh," I said, dizzy at first, but then I felt better.

"That'll help keep your ICP low," Blurry Blob two said, and now I recognized her voice. Bailey.

"Yeah," I knew that. "Thanks Miranda."

"Mm-hmm," she hummed. Amy slid a cup with a straw in front of my mouth. Too exhausted to grip it with my hands, I simply sucked on the cool liquid.

"Just gonna do a neuro check, okay Derek?"

"Mm," I nodded, or attempted to. "Where's Meredith?" I asked as she flashed the penlight in my eyes.

She didn't answer right away, "Squeeze my fingers…" she said.

I did so, but regarded my sister coolly. "Amy," I prodded, "Where's my wife?" I missed her. I needed her.

"It's okay," she said, placing her penlight in her pocket. "The kids went to find her."

A huge weight lifted when I heard her words. Meredith was here, she was alright… "Okay."

"You scared us all half to death," Bailey frowned, her hand brushing my forearm. "You had me praying on the damn catwalk. We were worried sick. That poor woman, she was terrified she'd lose you. Again!"

I tried a smile. "S'okay Bailey, not planning on going anywhere…" My pounding head would make sure of that.

"Thank the Lord Almighty for that!" My friend and colleague ranted, "ten _years_ , Derek. After what happened to Meredith, ten years… is far too long for us to be without your leaning, your smirking, and your-," she waved her hand at me, " _hair_."

"Mm" I hummed as she fretted with the pillows and the sheets, trying to make me more comfortable.

Then it clicked. Ten years? "Um, What?" I rasped, struggling in the bed, "Ten years? What are you talking about?" Ten years?

And what happened to Meredith?

My gaze shifted to Amelia and I frowned. When had her hair gotten so gray? The lines on her face looked more pronounced, and her eyes… "Is this a joke?" I asked as Miranda and Amy exchanged nervous glances. "Amy?"

Amy approached the bed, eyeing me carefully, checking all my stats on the monitors and all my leads. "Derek," she finally said, "What's the last thing you remember?"

xxx

"Tell me what happened, Amy."

"Maybe I should get-,"

"Just tell me!"

"Okay, okay… hold onto your knickers. You and the kids went ahead of Meredith to some Island up in Canada," Amy said slowly.

I nodded as the memory surfaced. It was a truly beautiful place, full of wildlife, lush greens, glistening water, and powerful ocean.

"We had a cabin." I added as it came back to me. The cabin, a squat two-bedroom with a loft and a bunkbed, I remembered.

"Yeah," Amy nodded.

I didn't remember my wife at the cabin. She was- she'd… been on a conference? Or… "Meredith was going to meet us there." I said.

 _We made plans Meredith, and you practically scheduled over everything._

Amy shrugged, "Yeah." She sat down at the foot of my bed and pulled her knee up, resting her chin on it.

The memories returned in flashes, like a home movie. The airport, a rental car, winding roads and beautiful hills. I remembered feeling exhilarated and excited to be with my kids, 'roughing it' in a rustic cabin. We were going to go whale watching. "We were on a boat. And…" I remembered the water.

A giant wave, big, black, and terrifying, swam in my vision. "There was a… a wave?" I asked Amy, my eyes wide and my pulse racing. "What happened? Did I…"

 _Dad!_

 _Ellis! You have to-_

"- hit my head Amy? Was I in a coma? Is that it? Am I just waking up now? Amy?" My heart hammered in my chest, as panic constricted the blood vessels around it and my blood pressure rose.

Amy's face was pale and she rubbed her thigh nervously. "You were… lost. Meredith looked and looked, for over a year but-,"

"Lost?" I asked. "For ten years?"

"You fell overboard from the whale watching boat. No one knows what happened after that."

I nodded, trying to understand, trying to remember. "I remember water… and Ellis… and the wave." I choked. Ten years? How did ten years get erased? "I don't remember what happened, Amy. How did I get here?"

Amy shook her head. "I don't really know exactly. We just got you back, like yesterday. Bailey called me. Derek-,"

I sat up straight in bed. "Meredith," I needed my wife. I needed my best friend, the mother of my children. My everything. "Where's Meredith?" I demanded. She would know what happened. She could help me.

"Um," Amelia's small fingers played with the sheets at the foot of my bed. She looked down at her feet before looking up at me. "Well, she wandered off, I sent Bailey and Ellis to go look for her."

"She _wandered_ off?" I repeated. ' _Wander_ ' off? What a strange choice of words… She was just here. Wasn't she?

"Derek…" Amelia squeezed my hand. "Meredith… Meredith has Alzheimer's."

 **2023 (Fifteen Years Ago.)**

 **Meredith.**

 _I stared out at the lake to some unseen point in the mist. It was early, the sun had not yet warmed the air and I shivered even in my insulated vest. Something had woken me last night and I was trying to figure out what it was. A dream? My mother's voice? Yesterday, Amelia and I had operated on a woman with Alzheimer's. Car accident, I repaired her spleen while Amelia performed a craniotomy. She'd been driving alone. The husband didn't know how bad it was. Luckily, she made it through surgery, but it was unfortunate that the reality of her disease had to sink in this way._

 _The wind brushed my hair from my face and I blew a loud breath out, exhaling my anxiety and my fears to the swirling air. I had some of the gene markers for Alzheimer's. It was entirely possible I would inherit my mother's disease. If so, it was happening right now, possibly._

 _Time. Ticking away, tick, tick, tick. Brain cells dying…_

 _A few minutes ago, I passed Ellis' room and peered in, watching my eight-year-old daughter sound asleep under her covers. She's still young, still naïve to the world. Would I break her? Would I get Alzheimer's and forget her, and Bailey and Zola?_

 _Would I stare blankly at my husband, asking, "Do I know you?" Fidget nervously as I tried to understand that he was indeed my husband. "You're my husband?"_

 _Even though I was more than happy. With people I loved, and people who loved me; Even though I had an astonishing career, an amazing husband and wonderful extraordinary children, the shadow of my mother's disease haunted me._

' _Anyone can fall blindly in love!' My mother screamed at me once, 'But not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life!_

' _The Meredith_ _ **I**_ _knew was a force of nature! Passionate! Focused! A Fighter! You're waiting for inspiration? I have a disease for which there is no cure, I think that would be inspiration enough!'_

 _The waves lapped at the wooden beams supporting the short dock I was on. Even though it was cold, I sat down and pulled knees to my chest. I didn't even know what it was that drew me out here. Maybe it was the quiet. I just had to think… I felt like I was on the cusp of something. There was something out there for me to grasp, I just had to reach for it. Right?_

" _Meredith?" Derek's voice cut through my thoughts, and I tilted my head to his presence, but didn't respond right away, still lost…_

 _The boards creaked under his steps, and I heard Derek's gentle sigh as he sat cross-legged beside me. "How come you didn't wake me?" he asked, rubbing my back._

" _Oh, I…" I sighed and smiled up at him. Even his mere presence lifted me. "I just wanted to think, I guess," I replied with a shrug._

" _Mm," he hummed._

 _A gust of air caused his wind breaker to crackle, and his arm slid over my shoulder, pulling me to his warmth. My temple rubbed against his stubble, and I breathed in his faint masculine scent. "Have you noticed…" I started, "I mean, um… Derek-,"_

" _Meredith…?"_

" _You'd tell me, right?" I asked, "If you noticed things? If-,"_

" _If what?" he asked._

" _IfyouthoughtIhadAlzheimer's" I said in one breath._

" _Oh, Mere," Derek breathed into my hair. I could feel him thinking, 'Is that what's bothering you?' But he said nothing._

" _I know. It's just… I've been thinking about my mother."_

" _Meredith, we talked about this, I told you, I'd-,"_

 _I put a finger on his lips. "I know," I said._

" _Then what-,"_

" _Derek," I turned a little to face him. "I want to- I think I want to cure Alzheimer's."_

 _xxx_

 **Now:**

 **Meredith:**

My stupid watch didn't work. I twisted it on my wrist as I waited on the elevator. Whatever. I had to get to the lab to start my research. Eagerly, I strode down the hall. Where was the lab again? What was the room number Bailey assigned? I couldn't remember… Oh well, it shouldn't be hard to figure out.

I approached a door and turned the knob. Locked. Crap, I didn't even bring a set of keys... How stupid. Huffing and cursing to myself, I decided to check out the next couple doors down, maybe my lab was open.

"Yes!" I exclaimed when the door opened. I marched in with a burst of exhilaration... Excited to begin the first phase of my trial. Except twenty interns stood over several hooded and draped cadavers, staring at me. Was it my turn to teach anatomy today? I looked around, I didn't even have my teaching materials with me. This sucked.

Oh well.

Shaking my head to clear my mind, I grabbed a red dry-erase pen and uncapped it. "Hello, I'm Dr. Grey," I scribbled my name on the board in loose handwriting. "I'll be teaching anatomy today. Now," I said, glancing down at the body in front of me, "Where is the common bile duct located?"

xxx

I rushed to my office. Didn't I have a meeting with what's-her-face about some kind of robot thing? I was so forgetful these days… But something stopped me, and I paused on the catwalk, blinking…

 _Meredith,_ Derek said, _you Amaze me._ For a second, it was like he was just there. Beside me. His lips on my forehead, his arms around me.

For a second.

"I miss you," I said aloud. Sniffing, I wiped away a tear before I gathered myself together and crossed the catwalk. No time to think about Tsunamis and missing husbands, I had a hospital to run. I jiggled the office door. No luck, it was locked. And of course, I had no keys on me.

"Crap," I muttered. I was locked out of my own office and I had to change. No matter, there was always extra uniforms in the attending's lounge. I turned down the hall looking for it.

Inside the spacious lounge, I was relieved find a pair of navy blue scrubs to change into. I would worry about my lab coat later. Now… what was I supposed to do? Wait… didn't I have a meeting to go to? Or was it a consult? Ugh. Stupid administrative duties…

"Dr. Grey?"

I turned around. At the sound of my name. A short, intense looking man approached me. An attending. I knew him… his name on the tip of my tongue… George? Alex?

"Yes?" I asked. Maybe if I talked to him, I could get a clue?

"I'm just sending that boy, uh…" He checked his tablet, "Derek, to CT for post-op scans, but everything looks good, he should make a full recovery."

"Derek?" I asked. Weird, the boy had the same name as my husband.

"Uh, yes… didn't Zola tell you?"

"Um…" Zola? I shook my head.

"Well, he'll be in room 2218 if you want to see him." He nodded and then turned down the corner.

2218\. Derek. CT. 2218, Derek, CT…

Oh, I had a meeting to get to…

Nodding firmly, I steered myself in the direction of the surgical ward. I had a meeting to get to… Or was I looking for Derek? Now I was completely lost. I just had to think. I needed a minute to think…

xxx

 **Derek.**

"Derek, maybe you should… maybe you should just rest a little, get your bearings," Amelia started, but I struggled in the bed, ignoring her.

"I want to see the kids," I said. My head throbbed, and I could feel the red swollen line where they cut into my skull under the bandage. "Where's- where's-," I struggled, thinking. "Ellis. I want Ellis, or Bailey… or" It didn't matter really, "Amy… please. I don't… how did ten years of my life get completely erased?"

"I don't know Derek, but you had Amnesia before you were operated on. It's possible… it's possible that this is a side affect."

"I…" I shook my head, confused. "Explain…" My brain was too muddied to think.

"Okay, look, all I know is that when you showed up, you didn't remember who you were. Apparently, everyone believed it was psychological. Trauma or something. Meredith and Bailey said that some of it was starting to come back, or at least they thought so. Anyway, you hit your head a while ago, and while maybe it was just a concussion, I think it caused a bleed. A bleed that either resolved, but started to re-bleed or one that was so small it passed detection. You collapsed and had a seizure. We operated…" she paused, thinking, "Now you remember everything that happened before the tsunami. Derek," she sighed, "I don't think those last ten years are erased… just… shoved into the storage closet. We're talking about more than fifty years of memories that came back, like a major download of info. Maybe those ten years aren't gone, just tucked into a file and hidden away."

"Maybe…" I muttered. "Amy-,"

"I know, I'm paging your son right now. And Mere will turn up, she always does."

xxx

 **2023\. Meredith.**

 _Derek hadn't said anything after my revelation. His body was stiff against mine, his breath blowing in shallow puffs._

" _Derek?" I prompted, worried._

" _You want to cure Alzheimer's," he stated. Even without looking at him, I could feel the gears in his brain working. Obviously, he was concerned._

 _Maybe 'cure' was too big a word. "A treatment. A drug trial, something. If not a cure, then to slow it down… or-," Something._

" _Mm-hmm," Derek hummed. I didn't know what he meant. McDreamy. Ugh. He was all 'hmm's and 'mm's…' He could use words once in a while._

" _Derek…" I had to get him to talk about this, before he got all broody._

" _It's just… we've done this before." He murmured into my ear._

 _The wind blew long strands of hair out of my eyes, and looked down, tracing the sinuous tendons of Derek's fingers as he rested his hand on my knee. I knew what he was thinking. The trial we started years ago. The trial that I ruined._

 _The trial that almost cost us our marriage. Our daughter._

" _It's not the same." I said._

" _It's not?" Derek asked, incredulous._

" _I learned my lesson. I won't make the same mistakes," I assured. I was too old, too experienced, and the future was far too close to intentionally ruin it now. "Now's the time, Derek. The kids are all in school, you're sort of retired and on a teaching bent, and-,"_

" _Meredith-,"_

 _I ignored him, "Amelia said I could do an accelerated neuro fellowship with her." I continued, "If I focus hard enough, I could be board certified in less than a year. I've already sent a few e-mails to some specialists to-,"_

" _Meredith!" Derek's exasperated tone stopped me. He moved his hand from my knee to my shoulder. I shook my head and huffed, gazing up at the sky. Didn't he understand?_

" _Why?" he asked, his tone soft and curious. "Why do you want to do this?"_

" _You know why," I said._

" _Tell me again," He shifted, leaving my back without his warmth as he turned to face me._

 _His hand was warm over mine as he held it, waiting. I shifted to face him too as I thought about what to say._

 _All I could think of was last night, when the patient woke up from her surgery. She was completely confused, and as her husband rushed in to see her, there was a moment when she had no clue at all who he was. I could see it on her face._

 _The husband's expression at her confusion crushed me._

' _You remind me of my daughter.' My mother said. Those were her last words to me._

 _I knew how he felt._

 _I didn't ever want Derek to experience that._

xxx

 **Meredith**

I walked into the patient's room, holding a tablet. "Mrs. …Rodriguez?" I asked.

"Yes," the woman shifted, sitting up in bed.

I smiled at her brightly. "I'm Doctor Grey, the general attending on call. So, the results of your biopsy are in," I said, glancing at her chart. Where were her results listed? Ah, yes there.

"Biopsy?" Mrs. Rodriguez pulled her sheets close around her.

"Yes," I continued, indulging in the rare treat of sharing good news. "Your tumor is benign."

"Tumor?" she asked, her gaze momentarily flicking to the door and back to me.

"Yep, so you don't have to worry, I'll be scheduling you for resection this afternoon, and it should be an easy recovery-,"

"But I just came here for a knee replacement," she said. "Is Dr. Sloan-Torres here? I wasn't aware-,"

"It's fine." I said, cutting her off. "I'll pass this along, and we'll get you all set. Alright?"

"Umm…" she said, but I didn't hear her. I checked my watch. CT. I had to get to CT. I had a meeting with Derek.

"Great!" I called over my shoulder. As I walked out, I bumped into a tall, dark haired resident. "Hey, here's Mrs. Roger's chart. She's going to need to have that apple removed, its benevolent." I said as I walked out.

"Wha-"

"We'll talk later about the R2D2 thing, promise!" I yelled as I dashed to catch the elevator.

Stepping inside, I stood beside a tall, handsome black man.

"Dr. Grey!" The young man beside me said. "I mean- Meredith. I'm sorry, it is so hard to be informal around my girlfriend's mother."

I scrunched my face at him, confused. "Sorry?" Girlfriend's mother? What was he talking about?

"Oh…" he looked equally confused, then his dark features relaxed. "Never mind. How is Derek?"

Derek? Probably at the bottom of the pacific. Or- wait, no. I just saw him on the catwalk… "I'm supposed to meet him in CT." I said.

"Oh, I am on my way there as well," he said, smiling widely. "It would be a real pleasure to accompany you there.

"Oh!" I smiled, flattered. What a gentleman! This one was a keeper.

The elevator bell dinged, the door opened, and I followed him to CT.

"I was so frightened," the man was saying, "I couldn't believe my child could be so sick." I nodded, feeling sad for him. I could imagine how he felt, Zola had been sick at one time, and she wasn't even technically ours back then.

The worry of a parent never goes away.

"But, your doctors did amazing work. And Zola was so strong," he said.

"That's good," I agreed. Wait- did he just say Zola? What happened to her? Was she alright? Was that her? The little lump on the gurney?

"Zola," I croaked, "Is she alright?"

The man stared through the window of the CT room at the small form currently being scanned. "Zola is amazing," he said.

"Yeah," I agreed. In front of me, through the glass, the machine hummed and thrummed.

"Meredith," the man's eyes were large and bright and so full of love, "I love Zola. And… one day, I would like to take her with me, to my homeland. To Africa."

"What?" I sputtered. Wait, who was this man exactly? Suddenly everything just shifted inside me. "You can't take her!" I gestured to the figure in CT. "She's so little! We just got her back. We just- She's mine!" I declared. No one was going to take her. Especially back to freaking Africa.

The man gaped at me, his expression confused.

"No," I said. "No one is taking her anywhere," I shoved him aside and strode into the CT room.

"Zola," I said to the sedated form, "It's alright. Mama's here." "It's okay," I said to Zola as I stroked her little round dark cheek. "I know, surgery sucks, but you're a trooper." I looked up at the men in the CT room as they stared at me, one of them talking on the phone. "And I'm not gonna let them take you away again." Carefully I transferred her from the hard table used for her scan, to her more comfortable gurney.

"Yeah," I continued softly, "How about I sing you something? Um, Itsy Bitsy spider? Remember that one?" I unhooked her IV from the pole, and tucked it beside the pillow. She moaned softly as I covered her up. I gently caressed her forehead, "It's alright, it's going to be just fine."

"Don't let her leave…" I heard someone say. I shook my head, watching as someone stepped into the doorway.

"Not gonna let them take you, Zozo. You're safe with me," I assured, pulling the gurney backwards. I hoped they didn't realize they needed to cover the side door also.

"The Itsy-Bitsy spider crawled up the water spout…" I trailed off as I pushed open the door. Once the gurney was clear of the doorway, I turned it toward the elevator.

"Mom!"

I looked up. "Janet," I said, "listen, there's been a terrible mistake. I don't know what's happening, but you can't just take her away from us. Not again."

"Mom?" Janet said.

"Yes, I am her mother," I shot a glance behind me, two men in blue shirts and radios were approaching fast. "Security? You called freaking security?" Without another thought, I snatched Zola up from her bed, grabbing her IV and tucking it between us. The elevator was right beside me, so I ran inside and thumbed the 'down' button. Crap. What was I getting myself into?

"Mmmuh," Zola murmured into my shoulder, starting to wake up.

"It's okay… It's okay Zola, Mama's here…" I whispered, hushing her.

Crap. What did I do? What did I do?

xxx

 **Derek.**

"Dad," Bailey, barged into the room like he owned the place. I guess he did in a way… "Amy said… she said, you remember up to the tsunami?"

"Yeah," I croaked, looking up at him. He'd grown up. So much. The last I remembered of him, he was all skin and bones and hair sticking every which way. Now, he was… he was, "You're all grown up."

He shrugged, and his eyes twinkled mischievously like his mother. "Not really," he smirked.

"Mm," I agreed.

He approached the bed, offering the glass of water. I took a few sips. "Did you find her?" I asked.

He shook his head, "We're still looking," he sighed sadly.

"She has Alzheimer's." I stated, more to myself then to him. I missed it. I'd been missing, lost for ten years, and Meredith… had to face her greatest fear, without me.

"Yeah."

"How… how long?"

"Four years, give or take," Bailey said, staring at his shoes.

I should've been there. This wasn't fair. It was so messed up. Ten years. I was practically dead to them… "I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"I know," Bailey said softly. "It's okay dad."

It wasn't okay, but I was too tired to argue the point. I set the cup down and leaned against the pillows, suddenly exhausted. "How bad is it? The Alzheimer's?"

"It's…" he sighed.

"You can tell me."

"It's… hard, some days."

"Does she…?"

"She remembers you," Bailey smiled a little. "She always remembers you."

xxx

 **2023 Meredith.**

" _I know what it's like to be forgotten," I said. "To feel like you've disappeared. I don't want you to experience that. I don't want our children to experience that."_

" _Mere, that's not-,"_

" _It_ _ **could**_ _happen," I interrupted. Derek. I loved him, but sometimes his optimism was thinly veiled denial. "I have some of the genes. We both know it."_

" _I'll be there, Meredith. Post-it remember?"_

" _I know, I know, Derek. That's not… that's not what I-," I bit my lip, turning my head to the lake, the little ripples of water that rocked slowly to shore, watering the dry cattails along the edges. "Remember the water?" I asked._

 _Derek's expression morphed from hopeful to forlorn. He cast his eyes downward, avoiding me. I silently berated myself. Stupid. Even though we were lightyears beyond that moment, it still haunted him. "Of course I remember," he muttered._

" _Okay," I sighed, "Well, before that, my mother said things… my lucid mother said things."_

" _You told me. She called you ordinary, and blindly in love. Mere, I thought we were past that."_

" _We are. Please, just listen."_

 _He released a long hard sigh and ran his fingers through his thick hair. "I'm listening."_

" _She said things. Hurtful things. Selfish things. She wanted to refuse the surgery, because… she didn't want to live like that. And I was angry and said things too, because… deep down, I had this hope… just this sliver of hope, that one day, in a few years… maybe we could start over." I cleared my throat and played with the loose thread of my sweater. "My mother… Der, it's hard to explain how I feel about her. Yeah, she was a crappy mom. She didn't bake. She wasn't nurturing. She neglected me a lot. But I- Derek, I thought she was pretty amazing for a long time. Because she was a surgeon, and she could fix people. And I wanted to do that too. Well, that was before the pink hair and the black and the boys."_

 _Derek's forehead crinkled as he considered this._

 _I rubbed his knee and continued, "I want to fight. I don't want to wait around while brain cells die and clump around in my head. I want to be here with you. I want to watch our kids grow and change and experience things. My mother…" I sighed, "She asked, what happened to me? She said I used to be focused, passionate, and a fighter."_

" _You are." Derek interrupted._

" _I know… but for awhile, I wasn't. It took me a long time to get that back. After she died… After..." I drifted off, thinking about things long past. Wounds that healed, but left a scar, no matter how faint. "The point is, I want to cure Alzheimer's. Maybe, selfishly for me, but also… for my mother. I want to honour her somehow. I never really got a chance to do that. But now I'm a mother, and I see the way Bailey perks up when I talk about surgery, or when Zola camps out in my office doing homework while she waits for me. Even Ellis, well, she's more a daddy's girl, but she's curious about everything, like I was. And I think…" I shook my head, "I owe it to them, to her, to at least try."_

 _I watched my husband as he shifted again, pulling his knees up and wrapping his arms loosely around them. His watch glistened with specks of moisture from the mist, and he stared out at the lake. "She said things to me too. I never…" He rubbed his chin. "I never told you. I guess I just dismissed it. But the way I treated you after…" he huffed, and looked down. "You said she had 'ways,' she did. It got to me for a minute, what she said."_

" _Yeah?" I raised an eyebrow, curious. "What did she say?"_

" _She said…" Derek licked his lips, stared at his reeboks, before his deep blue eyes met my gaze. "That_ _ **I**_ _was the reason you were so unfocused, that I just wanted someone to admire me, and that… I didn't care about…the damage…" he shook his head. "Oh, Meredith."_

" _You weren't the reason, Derek. She was. She always was." I said._

" _I know… I know that now, but you know… that stuck with me."_

" _It shouldn't have. You didn't have to listen to her." I sighed and crawled over to him, pushing his legs apart so I could sit in front and lean against him. His arms wrapped around me and I warmed his hands with mine._

" _It stuck with me," he continued. "But I'm glad it did, because it came back at a very important time."_

" _It did?"_

" _Remember the brain mapping project for the president?"_

" _Oh," I mumbled, remembering some very unhappy times in our marriage when that happened. "That."_

" _Yeah… that." He chuckled._

" _So… what? You had a revelation or whatever?"_

" _Mm."_

 _Again with the 'mm's'. I waited though._

" _I let my ego get in the way. No matter what I did, if I stayed in Seattle, I still wanted my old job. And if I left… well, they wanted me. They were begging for me. They had someone whose job it was to get me to say yes. I thought it was about the work. The science, the breakthroughs that had the potential to save lives. And it was, to an extent, but… I let it get to me. And for a little while, I forgot what it was really about."_

" _Oh," I whispered. "What was it really about?"_

" _You." He said. "It was always about you."_

xxx

 **Meredith.**

"Shhh," I said to the crying child. "It's okay, you're safe here." But he wouldn't stop… and I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do. I leaned against the wall of the supply closet. "Are you cold?" I asked, but he just whimpered. "Okay, okay, well, we'll get you some blankets… and-and… I can wrap you up, and-,"

"Daddy," the boy groggily gazed up at me.

"Daddy? You want your daddy?"

"My head hurts," he whispered, "I want daddy."

"I know…" I said. Something was seriously wrong, I thought as I hugged him. How did I get here? I didn't remember. I had to protect him, that's all I could remember. But protect him from what exactly?

 _You stole a baby Meredith!_

 _I told you why I did that…_

"Daddy…" the boy snuffled.

"I know… he's coming, he'll be here soon."

Right?

I wouldn't take a child from his own parents, would I?

 _If there is a flaw with Meredith, it's that she loves people so much, she'll do anything for them._

But I had a thing… A brain thing. Something _was_ wrong. With _me._ What had I done?

"I want daddy…" he whined again.

"Okay," I breathed, patting his back. "You're right, we need to find your daddy," I said as I hefted him up. What could I do about this? Slowly I opened the door and peered out. It seemed safe, but… where was I?

Rising panic fluttered in me, but I tried to keep it down for everyone's sake. Maybe there was a sign or something? I walked slowly down the hall. The boy was getting heavy in my arms, but I walked on. "The Itsy-Bitsy spider…" I hummed, trying to stay calm, hoping someone would come by… but this was the basement, the tombs. No one would think to look here.

The basement. I was in the basement of the hospital. Relief hit me like a wave. Thank God I figured that out.

"Is daddy coming?" the boy asked.

"Um, yeah," I replied. "Don't worry, I'll take you to him." I hoped, fighting to stay calm.

"Kay," he said. "Who are you?" he asked, pushing himself against my chest to look at me sleepily.

"Me? Um… I'm-," confused… "Meredith. My name is Meredith," I said, smiling.

"Kay," he said before he rested his head on my shoulder.

Now… stairs had to be here… somewhere.

Right?

I pushed a door open. "Stairs!" I exclaimed, relieved. All I had to do was climb the stairs, and then there'd be people, and they could help me help this boy.

Except they looked strange. Something was wrong with the stairs. I shook my head. No, it was my thing. My brain thing. Right? I shifted the boy on my hip again and reached to grip the railing. One step at a time.

I stepped.

And stepped. And stepped.

He was getting heavy. "Honey?" I whispered, "Do you think… could you-," but he was dead asleep in my arms. Crap. "Okay…" I looked down at my feet and tried another step, but the stairs shifted and I wobbled. "Oh," It was like they disappeared right in front of me. I couldn't figure out where each step started and ended. I shifted him on my hips, trying to keep my balance. He was so heavy. I could feel my arms giving out.

"I can't- I can't-," Slowly I sank down, overwhelmed. What did I do? "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry…" My throat clenched and I felt a lump in my throat. I shouldn't cry about this… but I couldn't stop. "I screwed up. I screwed everything up. Something is wrong with the stairs, and I'm so tired, and… and I'm lost again. I always get lost. And I don't know where you came from, I think I stole you. You remind me of… you remind me of my daughter, I think." I squeezed him tighter as tears ran down my face. How was I going to get out of this?

Time passed. I don't know how long it was that I sat there, waiting. Just waiting, for… something…

"Meredith? Mere? Mere!" There was a thundering noise as someone ran down the steps

I looked up at the voice, and cried when I saw who it was. "Cristina?"

"Oh my God, Mere, you scared me half to death! What are you- what are you doing down here?" She knelt in front of me, her silver black hair pulled into a loose bun.

I clutched the boy closer to me, "I don't know…" I whispered. "Something's wrong with the stairs…"

"Mom?" Another voice called, I looked up to see a young woman at the top of the stairs. She was dark, like the boy.

"Oh, thank God you're here," I said. "You must be his mother, he's been asking for his Daddy, but I don't know where he went… I think I got lost and…"

"Hey," Cristina cupped my face. "It's alright. We found you. You're not lost. Zola, come take the kid," she pulled him from my arms and handed him off to Zola.

"Is she okay?" Zola asked, speaking about me.

"I'm fine!" I snapped at her. "I'm fine, right?" I asked my person.

"Yes," she said, clutching my shoulders. "You're absolutely fine."

Good. "Okay."

"C'mon, Derek's been asking for you."

"Derek?" He really wanted to see me? Even after I messed everything up? He finally wanted to talk to me?

"Yeah, McDreamy."

I giggled. "I miss him."

"I know," Cristina's strong arms pulled me up, and I leaned against her, trying to get my balance.

"There's something wrong with the stairs," I said, staring up at the gray blur in front of me.

"It's fine. I'll help you." Cristina's arm snaked around my waist, and I gripped the railing.

"Okay."

We shuffled up the stairs slowly and I fought to put one foot in front of the other. "Where are we going?" I asked when we reached the top.

"It's a surprise." Cristina smiled slightly, taking my arm in hers as she led me down the hall. Where were we? The hospital?

"I hate surprises," I grumbled.

"We'll see," she said, patting my shoulder.

xxx

 **Derek**

Dozing off, I dreamed.

The wave was large, and black, all consuming and soul crushing. I gaped up at it through the cold salty wind.

 _She wandered off?_

 _Derek, Meredith has Alzheimer's._

 _Ten Years?_

 _Look, all I know is that when you showed up, you didn't remember who you were._

I was frozen in time and space, the wave bearing down on me.

" _Hey," a soft voice from below called._

" _Meredith," I gasped, looking down. "What are you doing? You have to get out of here." I struggled to retain my grip, but I was slipping._

" _It's okay," she said, treading the water below. A white life ring rested in her arms. I could read the word Sagittarius on it. "I got this."_

" _No," I said, panicking. "The wave, the wave is coming."_

 _She sighed. "Derek, just… let go."_

" _I-I-can't," I stuttered, fear griping me._

" _Yes, you can. I love you. You can do this."_

I stared down at her, at the churning water below, and somehow… I relaxed my grip, and I was falling, falling…

 _Meredith, are you watching me sleep?_

 _I am. You snore._

 _What? I don't snore!_

 _It's okay, there's a cure._

 _A cure? Really?_

 _Yeah. Kisses._

 _I can't remember our last kiss…_

"Hey! McDreamy. Wake up already."

"Mm" I moaned. Who was that? Wait… "Cristina?" My eyelids cracked open and in front of me was the other half of the twisted sisters.

"Uh, _yeah_ , now you better get your act together, cause Meredith's dying to see you."

"Meredith," They found her. She was okay… I blinked and struggled to sit up. "Ow," my swollen brain sloshed around in my skull.

"Easy, you just had brain surgery."

"I know. Some guy knocked me out six weeks ago and…" I trailed off as my scrambled thoughts tried to catch up to me.

 _Motherfucker! A blurry angry face yelled._

"I remember…"

"Remember what?"

 _I'm Meredith Grey, and I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a year and a half ago._

 _The rumours are true. I lost my memory. Everything before the tsunami. And I saved someone's life._

 _Kiss me._

 _It was like an explosion in my brain, I saw her, and I felt… love._

 _Ouch._

 _Are you real?_

 _You're here. You're here, and you're saying things._

"Everything. Cristina… I remember everything. Where's Meredith? I need to see her."

"Derek?" Her voice was my salvation. Meredith appeared behind Cristina, but quickly passed her to be by my side. "Derek, I was so worried, what did you do?"

She looked tired and pale, and worried, but I didn't care one bit. She was here, and she still remembered me.

"I…" I started, a sloppy smile creeping on my face.

"Don't make jokes, I was scared."

"No, don't be scared," I murmured and patted the bed. "I'm not going anywhere. Come here."

When she curled up on my side, I finally breathed a long loud sigh. All the pieces were together at last. "I'm right here." I said.

There was a long silence, and I thought she was falling asleep, but-

"Derek?"

"Mm."

"I think I stole a baby."

Huh? What had she done while I was unconscious? Or was she relieving the past? But, it didn't matter. I had her in my arms. "It's okay," I mumbled. "I still love you."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"You're my husband?"

"Yes."

"Even if I'm old and senile and smelly?"

"Yes."

"What if I get Alzheimer's?"

"Meredith, I love you. I've always loved you. That's not going to change." I shifted slightly, squeezing her tighter.

"I think I stole a baby."

"Sleep Mere," I said, kissing her.

She turned on her side, letting me spoon her, and pulled my hand to her chest. After a few minutes of silence, her soft snores lulled me to sleep.

 _ **2023**_

" _So, my wife is going to cure Alzheimer's." Derek stated._

" _Well, try. I guess, I dunno." I sighed. "Can we do this? I mean… It's personal."_

 _Were we to close to this? Was it too personal?_

 _Derek pulled into me. His body shielding me from the cool breeze. "I've come to the conclusion that medicine is always personal."_

" _So… you're supporting me on this?" Hope skittered through my heart. I couldn't do it without his support. Maybe not directly on the project, but in the background, to help me with the kids, help me study, help me bounce ideas off… but mostly, just to be here for me._

" _It's a big commitment." He rubbed my shoulders. "You'll be working a lot. A lot of late nights. A lot of frustrations."_

" _I can handle it."_

" _It's not you I'm worried about." His hands traveled to my back, massaging and soothing._

" _I need to do this." His hands felt so good as he massaged the tension out of every muscle and bone._

" _I know."_

" _I'm so scared of losing you, forgetting-,"_

" _I know," his warm breath caressed my ear. "Me too."_

" _So-," did that mean-_

" _So, let's do this. We'll try."_

" _Mm," I hummed. "I love you."_

" _Mm-hmm," his tongue licked a sensitive part along my neck and I shuddered. "You better. Care to show me how much?" he murmured, prickling my cheek with his stubble._

" _I don't know," I giggled. "Did you brush your teeth?"_

 _xxx_

 **A/N:** OHEMGEE! Finally! Now I have to go buy my dad some ice cream and juice, and then clean my room…

Review? Yes? Yes.


	46. Breakfast Part 1

**A/N:** Oh man, is it November already? No, I'm not done with this story… it is just a lot. A lot to think about and to write about in the middle of my hectic life. In betwixt work and family, I am also taking an English class. (I'm certifiably nuts, I know.) So when I want to write, I have to finish my class assignments first…

But you beautiful fans keep me coming back to this!

 **Enjoy!**

A few days after last chapter:

 **Feburary 2038 Derek.**

I woke again in the night, feeling cold. My skull ached, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was Meredith. Where was she? "Ugh," I sighed. I rolled over, my hand falling on her empty side of the bed. I scrubbed my face and sat up. Zola said this could happen. I just… didn't think it would be on my first night home from the hospital. Sighing, I checked the time, 2:28 am. "Meredith?" I called.

No answer.

Slowly I stood up and lurched out of bed. Where was she? "Meredith?" I called again. The hallway light was on, so she'd been through there. All the lights upstairs were motion activated now.

I saw a shadow at the end of the hallway, "Meredith?" I walked toward her figure. My wife stood at the top of the stairs in her pajamas, staring down the steep obstacle. "Hey," I called, but she didn't respond. "C'mon, let's get back to bed." Gently, I tugged her shirtsleeve, pulling her back down to our room. She followed wordlessly, reluctantly. I sat down with her on the mattress. "It's time for bed. Lie down," I prodded.

Meredith nodded and lay down, pulling the covers over her shoulders. I turned off the light and got in beside her, draping an arm over her waist like I used to. But there was no response to my presence. No sigh or touch or word.

 _Does she even know it's me?_ I wondered before my eyelids closed and I fell asleep.

There was a shift and again, I was woken from my dreamless sleep. The clock read 3:47 am, and was Meredith pacing beside the bed. She fidgeted, picking things up and putting them down. Moving things, opening and closing drawers. I watched her sleepily for a few moments, trying to understand. But I didn't. "Meredith," I patted the mattress, "Come to bed."

Her green eyes held a nervous gaze I hadn't seen since her intern days. She bit her lip, at war with herself.

"It's okay," I said, patting the bed. "It's me, I'm your husband, c'mon," I smiled, coaxing her.

It took a long time, but finally, she lay back down on, but as far away as possible from me.

Again, I was wakened. But it was Zola this time.

"Mom," she said to Meredith quietly, and I felt her weight on the bed. "Mom, it's morning."

I glanced at the clock. 6:55 am. I smiled at my daughter. "She was up all night," I said, "Maybe we should let her sleep."

"Best to keep her active, her schedule's been all mixed up lately. If she sleeps in now, she'll never sleep tonight." Zola said.

"Hmm", I nodded in understanding.

"C'mon," Zola shook Meredith's shoulder. I heard a sigh and a groan as she woke up. "Good morning mom," Zola smiled.

Meredith mumbled something incoherent and rolled over, facing me. When she saw my face, a panicked look crossed her features and she sat up immediately. "Wha- who?" She asked.

"Meredith, it's me, Derek." I said.

"Who?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.

"I'm your husband."

"What?" she laughed, "that's silly."

"Mere-," I started.

But Zola shot me a look. "C'mon mom," she said, "You should go to the bathroom, you probably have to pee."

"Good idea," Meredith agreed, and I was left alone.

xxx

Pushing away my feelings of rejection, I got ready for the day. After a shower and shave, I dressed in a pair of my son's jeans and his green Dartmouth tee. It was funny that after all these years, we were the same size.

Breakfast. I would make breakfast.

 _I thought I'd buy you breakfast before rounds._

Eggs, flour, milk and butter and I had the bowl of batter ready.

 _Pancakes? Do you like pancakes?_

 _Leftover grilled cheese. Satisfied?_

 _That's sad. It's pathetic. A good day starts with a good breakfast._

Bailey entered the kitchen yawning, his blonde curls a disaster on the top of his head. Probably no worse than mine really, I thought, rubbing my bandaged scalp. He scanned the set-up I had and then grabbed two glasses and poured some orange juice for both of us. After taking a sip, he reached into the fridge and pulled out some bacon, and we settled into cooking together.

Ellis sauntered in shortly after the bacon finished grilling on the pan. "Hey," she said sleepily, rubbing her eyes.

"Hey," Bailey and I murmured at the same time. Ellis scrunched her face in a smile and started making coffee. I watched her for a moment, just in awe of her. She was so grown-up. The butter sizzled in my pan and I turned back to cooking pancakes.

But suddenly, Ellis' arms were wrapped around my waist, and her head under my chin as she hugged me. "I missed you," she said.

I kissed the top of her head, "I missed you too." I said. "Ellis, I…" I couldn't begin to explain what she meant to me. What even just the slightest memory of her gave me during my lost years. "I love you." I choked, hugging her back. She continued to lean against me, watching the pancakes cook on the frying pan.

Just as we finished cooking, Meredith and Zola entered, Meredith's hair was wet from her morning shower, but she looked brighter. I wanted to kiss her but held back, unsure. Instead I heaped a stack of pancakes and strips of bacon onto a plate and set it in front of her. She looked up at me, amazed.

"Yeah, mom," Zola said, bringing over the silverware. "Breakfast."

I tossed a couple of pancakes and some bacon on my plate and sat down beside her. "Hi," I said, buttering the pancakes.

"Hi," she replied with a shy grin. Ellis brought coffee for us, and Zola plunked a little white dixie cup beside her plate. Her pills.

Meredith picked up her fork and started to work at her food, and with the blink of an eye, I was transported to another place, another time:

 _2006_

 _There had been a warm breeze from the coast that had come in today, which was rare on an early autumn day in Seattle. The sun was out, occasionally ducking behind a cloud, but it was out, nonetheless._

" _Hi," Meredith's soft velvet voice greeted me, and I looked up from the cafe's breakfast menu._

" _Hi," I gazed at her, enraptured. Even in a jean jacket and yellow tee, she still caught my attention. I gestured for her to sit across from me and cleared my throat, trying not to ogle._

 _She plopped her bag down beside her… what did she carry in that thing anyway? It was huge. I smiled and handed her the menu. "So, breakfast, huh?" she asked, scanning the menu._

" _Most important meal-,"_

" _-of the day, I know," Meredith said, her smile was sunshine._

 _I smirked and tilted my head. What else could I say?_

" _I don't know what I want…" she murmured, turning the menu over._

" _A surgeon who doesn't know what she wants?" I asked rhetorically._

" _Shut up," she giggled. I loved to hear her giggle. It was light and airy, like a child's… and it always took me away, to another place. "What are you having?" she asked._

" _Well, in honour of our last patient, I was thinking… a cheese omelette."_

" _A cheese omelette…" she trailed off._

" _Mm-hmm," I sipped my water._

 _Meredith continued to stare at the menu._

 _The waitress came by, "Are you ready to order?" she asked, pulling her pen and pad out._

 _I glanced at Meredith, she was still looking, but it seemed like maybe she'd settled on something. "Cheese omelette," I started, "Egg whites only, uh… whole grain toast, and a side of fruit and yogurt."_

 _The waitress finished scribbling before she looked over at Meredith, "And for yourself?"_

" _Um," she bit her lip. "Omelette, a cheese one. And… French toast. Do you have strawberry syrup?"_

" _Sure."_

" _I'll have that. And…" she looked at me, "bacon, please."_

" _Okay." The waitress smiled and turned on her heel toward the kitchen._

" _You thought I'd get pancakes, admit it." Meredith said, resting her chin on her hand._

 _I nodded, "I had you pegged for pancakes."_

" _I'm not peggable, you know…"_

 _I laughed. "Oh, I don't know about that… I've pegged you a few times," I smirked. How these words come out of my mouth in her presence mystified me. I was still technically married. I should be thinking about fixing my marriage, or ending it altogether. But Meredith? She swept me away. Completely and utterly._

" _You're such a flirt. A bad flirt. Corny."_

" _You love it," I waggled my eyebrows at her and leaned forward._

 _She giggled, shaking head. "So, how is our patient?" she asked, sipping her coffee. "Jorge?"_

 _Jorge. Our nail gun in the head patient with a tumor that I successfully removed. "He's been in and out of anesthesia," I said. "So far… no deficits."_

" _Good," Meredith nodded. "That's…" she sighed, sounding relieved. "Really good."_

" _You didn't want him to have the surgery." I stated. I tried to keep my tone light, conversational. But she'd almost crossed a line last night._

 _She ripped a sugar packet over her coffee and sprinkled it in. "It's not that," she replied, stirring. "I didn't want him to lose his memory. I didn't want her to lose him… that way. Ten years? Living with someone who doesn't know you? Doesn't remember?" She shook her head. "I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Especially my husband. And they were so in love."_

" _Hm," I nodded._

" _What about you?" Meredith asked, wrapping her slender fingers around the tiny cup. "What would you do?"_

 _What would I do? If I had to choose between three to five good years or potentially ten bad ones? Apparently, I'd already lived with my wife for ten years and didn't even really know her… but yet…_

" _I don't know," I breathed grimly. "I just… I don't know."_

 _Meredith raised an eyebrow. "A surgeon who doesn't know what he wants?" she chuckled, trying to take the edge of our sudden heavy conversation._

" _Heh," I said. "Oh, look, food's here."_

 _The waitress appeared with a tray of full plates. After breakfast was lined up in front of us, I watched Meredith eat, a curious sight. She was both dainty and messy at the same time. She had good posture, but would talk with her mouth full and there was the tiniest speck of strawberry syrup on the corner of her lip._

 _I took a deep breath, suddenly realizing something._

 _I wanted to taste it._

 _I wanted to taste her._

 _No, I wanted her._

 _One minute, flirting, the next… my heart's pounding and I'm fifteen again._

 _It wasn't about the sex, I realized. I mean, it was. Sex with Meredith was liberating. She literally had no expectations other than a good time, of course… But it wasn't about the sex. It wasn't about the chase either. It was about the simple girl in a yellow shirt and a jean jacket who was also a complicated woman living in the shadow of her mother. The girl who stole the fruit off my plate, and the doctor who dared to question her patient's decision._

 _She didn't think she needed me. I think she thought that she didn't need anyone. And somehow, we still did this. Breakfast. She did need me. And I needed to feel needed._

 _Shit._

 _Was I in love?_

 _xxx_

 **Now:**

"Ow!" I winced as Amelia pulled out the stitches in my scalp.

"Oh, you're fine, relax…" she murmured in her usual sarcastic candor.

"I still can't believe you operated on me," I muttered.

"Yeah, well…" she set her tools down and rubbed my incision site with an antibiotic wipe. "Sister's gotta do what a sister's gotta do right?" She looked over at me. "And really…" she blinked back a wisp of a tear. "I couldn't… Derek, I couldn't lose you again."

I swallowed the thick lump that formed in my throat. "I know," I said. I had a sister. I had a family. I had memories… because of her. What she did. What she risked. I took her hand, "Amy, I…" The words wouldn't come out. She stared at me, at her hand. "Thank you," I choked. "What you did… I… just… thank you."

Her sigh was heavy with emotion. "You're my brother. If I had to cross lines to get you back, I would." She cleared her throat, "so, your follow up scans are good… you have no deficits, you are officially cleared for everything." She tore off her gloves and disposed of them. "Now, I have to go in front of the firing squad."

"The board?" I asked.

"Yup. They're not too happy I decided to operate on you. That's kind of a big deal in the medical world."

I nodded, it was practically malpractice. "I probably would've been against it too." I said. she could lose her job, her licence… everything. "Amy…"

"I never listen to you anyway," she smirked. "And… I mean," she shrugged, "I've done it all, Derek. I've lived the life. I've operated on the inoperable, I published, I taught. Owen and I are happy. I'm okay. Whatever happens, I-," she didn't get to finish her sentence before I hugged her.

"You're alive…" she gasped into my shoulder. "It's a friggin' miracle, but you're alive. Nothing else really matters anymore."

"Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you, thank you. I have my life back. My family, Meredith… because of you, Amy. And I'll never forget that." We parted, and I sighed. It was good to finally feel a part of something now. I had my family back. I was back.

xxx

 **The next night:**

She woke up again. Or maybe she hadn't even slept. Whatever the reason, she wasn't in bed.

"Meredith…" I called. 1:27 AM. I checked all the rooms, she wasn't there. "Mere?" I walked swiftly to the stairs. Was she downstairs?

Close. I found her about four steps down, her hand white knuckling the railing. "Hey there," I called softly, and she turned her head to me.

"I…" she stared back down the stairs. "It's not safe."

"Hmm," I hummed and took a few steps down to meet her. "C'mon, take my hand, I'll help you."

"Okay," she said, reaching for me. Carefully, I took her hand and wrapped my arm around her waist, guiding her to step up the stairs. "Oh," she said when she got to the top. "I made it!" she beamed.

"Yes, you did," I smiled back.

"I love you," she said, leaning against me.

"I love you too," I sighed, kissing her lavender-scented hair and leading her back to the bedroom.

xxx

It was 4:08 AM when I woke once more. I groaned, Meredith's side was empty again. How long would it take for her to get used to me? Shuffling out of bed, I ran a hand through my hair. "Meredith?" I called into the hallway. This time, she was easy to find, seated on the floor against the wall. A strange feeling came over me, this was different. Something was different. "Hi," I said quietly. She pulled her legs up against her body and wrapped her arms around herself. "Come to bed," I asked gently.

 _See, there are moments for me… when I know what's going to happen next._

"No," she shook her head and stared at her feet.

"Come on, it's alright…" I pleaded.

"No!"

"Meredith," I reached down to take her hand.

"Don't touch me!" she screeched, wrenching her hand away. The ferocity of her words shook me.

 _But suddenly,_

"Meredith," I said again, crouching down to her level. Maybe if she looked at me… if I could just look in her eyes…

"Stay away!" she cringed.

 _Everything I think I know… just shifts._

"Mere-," I started again, but a pungent odor struck my nostrils. Urine. "Oh, Mere…" I swallowed, struck with compassion. "It's fine. It happens. I'll get you some clean underwear okay?"

She didn't seem to be listening, so I stood up and went to the bedroom and grabbed clean underwear and pajama bottoms. When I got back to her, she was crying.

"It's ok," I said again. "I got you some clean clothes, it's fine. Everything's fine." I pulled her up to standing position.

"I couldn't find the room…" she explained, avoiding my gaze. "The t-toilet room."

"It's fine," I consoled, my hand on the small of her back as I led her to the master bath.

"I couldn't find it… and then I forgot what I was…" she looked down at her soiled pants, upset. "I forgot," she cried.

"Okay," I murmured softly, trying to console her. She wet her pants. No big deal. I could fix it. I sat her down on the toilet seat and pulled off her wet pajamas. "Okay, Do you want to…" I gestured to her underwear.

"Oh," she said, and pulled them down.

I helped pull them off and grabbed a washcloth, soaking it in warm soapy water. But when I bent down to help her rinse off, she snatched the cloth away. In an instant, her entire demeanor changed. "Don't touch me," she hissed.

"Meredith-," I reached for her again, "I'm just try-"

"Who the fuck are you? What are you doing?" She demanded, crossing her arms.

 _And if I get Alzheimer's?_

 _I'll remind you, who I am, everyday._

"It's me- Meredith, it's me Derek… I'm your husband."

"Who?" She shook her head. "I don't know you…"

"It's alright," I soothed, "I can help-," I reached for her hand-

"No! Get out! Get. Out!"

"Okay," I raised my hands, shocked at my wife's repulsion, at the anger in her voice, and the pure fear in her eyes. _I was hurting her._ "Okay," I said, backing up. I had never seen her like this.

Ever.

It frightened me.

"What's going on?" Zola asked sleepily from the doorway of our bedroom. "Mom?"

"Get him out of here!" Meredith yelled.

"Dad, what's…" Zola trailed off as she stepped further into the room.

"She had an accident," I choked, stepping out of the bathroom. "Maybe you should help her, I-," I choked, shaking my head. "I'll go. I'll just… I'll go." I stood in the hallway, helpless, while I heard Zola's smooth calming voice, and Meredith's anxiety and agitation easing.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. I just… didn't know what to do. I sat on the top of the stairs, overwhelmed by sheer and utter helplessness.

What could I do? How could I help her? She barely recognized me.

I promised… I promised I wouldn't leave. But I didn't know how to stay, how to cope. I thought I did. After ten years of being away from my family, from the love of my life…I honestly didn't expect to feel forgotten.

"Dad?" Zola called quietly from down the hall. "She's good now. She's in bed if you wanna-,"

"I um…" I swallowed, "I'm sorry Zola, I need to…" I sighed. "I just need some space," I blurted, before turning on my heel and heading down the stairs.

xxx

The Heineken slid easily down my throat, and I tossed another can, missing the bucket completely this time. How many was that? Four?

The sun slowly creeped out from behind the mountains, winking at me, even as ominous rain clouds hugged the horizon in the opposite direction. I shivered in my hoodie. Why the hell had I run here? I questioned as I pushed the front legs of my chair off the deck and leaned the back against the trailer.

 _Who the fuck are you?_ My wife's voice gritted at me, _get out! Get. Out!_ Her expression, usually ethereal and full of love toward me, even on her worst days, was twisted into something unrecognizable.

 _You're the love of my life,_ my heart responded. _I can't leave you._

But now I had. Maybe just for a moment. Maybe just to get my head on straight, but still…

I left.

 _Good, go. Go, now._

What was I doing?

Huffing, I stood up and grabbed my fishing gear and folded up the chair. Quiet. I just needed quiet.

xxx

' _Plop!'_ the lure dropped into the water and it rippled from smart defined circles into a soft wave that ebbed out into the lake. For a second I was frozen, as if I'd forgotten how to fish, but then muscle memory clicked in, and I began the lazy dance of _tug, stop, reel, tug, stop, reel._

The motion hypnotised me, and as I fished, my anxiety and fear left, tossed away with each cast. I breathed out… relaxing my neck and shoulders, letting the tension leave me from the neck down. The cool air and the slanted rays of the sun refreshed me, and I kept casting, not really expecting to catch anything…

More like trying to set something free.

But while my emotions calmed, I still had questions.

How bad was it?

Would it get worse? When could I expect to see further decline? How could I help her? Would she ever recognize me?

Exhausted, I reeled the line in all the way and picked up my tackle box, retiring to the deck of the trailer again. I wiped my eyes and scrubbed the light stubble on my cheeks before slumping back on the chair with another beer. The answer had to come to me soon. I just had to…

"Hey!" A familiar voice called, "McDreamy!"

Cristina? I snapped up in my chair, almost losing my balance.

"Or is it McAss?" she said, as her small dark form approached from the gravel road.

"Cristina?" I asked, "I thought you were going back to Switzerland."

"Eh," she waved a hand, "I own the damn hospital, I can choose when I want to be there."

"Mm," I said, lifting the can for another sip, but she swiped it from me and chugged three big gulps.

"Heineken! Blech!" she made a sour face and shoved the can back at me.

"What the hell?" I blurted, swiping the can back from her tiny fist.

Of course she ignored me, my wife's best friend was an obstinate bitch sometimes. "So, ah…" she gestured around her, "How's the space? How's the _quiet?_ " The sarcasm dripped like hot scalding oil from her lips.

"Cristina…" I warned. I did not need this. I just got back, I was barely myself again. Now she was going to be like this?

She nodded to the trailer. "You gonna let me in?"

"No," I scowled and tried to send her away mentally. _Go away. Go away…_

"Fine," she huffed, reaching for the door and pulling. "It's locked."

"Yeah, I know that."

"Well, unlock it."

"No," I frowned and took a sip, staring out at the lake. Obviously, she was here to rant at me for leaving. Well whatever, I didn't really care. I still had… I counted the tiny green cans in the flat on the deck… eight cans of beer left.

"Well, give me the key."

"No." Maybe if I ignored her, she would go away. Or maybe the fog from the lake would swallow her up.

"No? What do you mean, no?"

Dammit. Stupid woman… go away! "I mean no. What else does no mean?"

"It means," she started… and then she stared at me for a moment, her dark eyes widening, "Oh," she said, her voice an octave lower, her lips spread in a slow smile, "Oh, you don't _have_ a key."

I made a face, how did she do that? "What? Of course I have a key, I just don't intend on sharing my trailer with you!" I thundered back.

"Uh huh. Oookay Derek… whatever you say… Ass."

"What did you call me?"

"A hoofed braying mammal?"

"Seriously?"

"Oh, uh… a dolt? A fool? Half-wit? Dum-dum?"

"Yang, what are you? A damned thesaurus?"

She shrugged, "That's about right." Then she stepped off the side of the deck and walked behind the trailer.

"Cristina?" I leaned forward in the chair, and it thunked as the front legs struck the wooden deck. "Cristina?" Where was she going now? I stood up quickly and then swayed for a second. Too many beers. Thankfully I didn't have to chase after her, she came right back, bounding onto the deck, a shiny object in her fingers.

I blinked. Okay, definitely starting to get drunk.

"There's like a kazillion keys around here, I thought you knew…" she said. Was her voice actually a little softer this time? "C'mon, it's starting to rain." She plunged the key into the lock and swung the door open.

I sighed and followed her inside. Dreading the lecture, I flopped onto the couch and crossed my arms, waiting for her to tear into me.

But she didn't.

Cristina dropped her small shoulder bag onto the table, and scrounged around inside, pulling out… food? "Catch!" an orange blob flew at me.

"Ah!" I threw my hands up and caught the fruit. Sighing, I clutched it, working it with my hands. A Tupperware container full of dry oatmeal appeared, and Cristina found a pot and filled it with water. Next, she pulled out some coffee beans and ground them in the coffee grinder. "You're making breakfast?" I asked.

Cristina shrugged, "Zola's idea."

"Mm," I said. "So she sent you out here?"

My wife's raven-haired, silver-streaked 'Person' ignored me and set about preparing the simple meal. I sighed and rubbed my eyes. Silence filled the trailer, until you could hear the soft pitter-patter of rain on the metal roof. I looked out the window, at the lake, as the mist rose off and rain speckled the previously smooth waters.

 _You're selling your land? You can't sell your land… The way the mist rises off the lake…_

A hot bowl of oatmeal appeared in front of me, and I put the orange down to grasp the warm edges of the container, "Thanks," I said automatically.

Cristina sat down beside me with her own bowl. "The first time she forgot me," she swallowed, "she kicked me out of bed."

"What?" I asked, it sounded… crazy.

"Well, you know, I was doing the thing."

"The thing?"

"You know, where I come over and hang out and we fall asleep in… her bed. That thing."

"Oh," I chuckled, recalling many mornings waking to a threesome back in the day. After awhile, I got used to it, strangely. "That thing."

"Yeah," she said. "We were hanging out and talking and eating chocolate, the good stuff. And she fell asleep, and then I fell asleep… and then, she woke up, and she completely flipped out, I ended up on my ass on the floor. I tried to calm her down, I kept telling her, 'it's me, Mere, I'm your person. It's Cristina,' but she was so confused, so I just apologized, made a little joke, and left." She took a couple bites of the oatmeal, "It hurt." Cristina's eyes reflected that pain for a moment. "For a while… it hurt. I mean, we've been friends since our internship, like, decades… how could… how did she forget me?"

"Mm," I nodded as I took a bite.

"But… the next day… it was like it never happened. We went for a walk, we talked… watched surgery tapes, looked at pictures, solved puzzles, made fun of your son…"

I sighed, "I know." Alzheimer's was fickle. You had bad days, hours and moments, but things could change for the better in the blink of an eye. Just yesterday, Meredith had gazed at me in a way I hadn't seen since she was an intern.

Cristina touched my forearm, bringing me back to reality. "Look, I get it. The last memory you have of your wife before everything went to shit was that of a strong woman, an extraordinary surgeon and mother. Your amazing wife. Now… she's…"

I waited, not wanting to finish that sentence.

"Not what you expected…" Cristina said. "But we just have to be there. That's it. It's what we signed up for."

"We?" I asked.

Cristina shrugged, "I'm her person. You're the love of her life. Leaving is not in the job description, or the post-it for that matter."

I chuckled at that. "It's just…" I sighed, "I have so many questions. How bad is it? How long will she be like this before…" My throat caught a sob and I choked. "I'm a surgeon Cristina. I'm used to fixing things. I spent the last ten years in a fog trying to find her, trying to find myself, and now that I have…" I shrugged, "I can't fix it. I can't save her."

"If you have questions, you should get answers," Cristina said. "A lot of stuff has happened in the world of medicine in the last ten years. There's answers." She sighed. "And she never wanted you to save her."

"I promised…"

"You promised you wouldn't leave… so what are you doing out here?"

xxx

 _2007._

" _Meredith?" I found her at the dock, staring out at the mist on the lake. It was a week after she'd been discharged from the hospital after her drowning. After her mother died._

" _Hi," she said softly._

" _You should come inside, it's cold." I wrapped my arms lightly around her. Since that day… I felt compulsively protective of her._

" _I'm okay," she said._

 _I sighed, and pulled her in just a little closer, relishing the lavender scent. "I made pancakes. With strawberry syrup."_

" _Strawberry syrup?" She smiled up at me._

" _Yes," I murmured. "And bacon."_

" _Are you fattening me up?"_

 _I grinned and turned her in my arms, stroking her soft chin. "All the more to taste you my dear."_

" _Uh huh," she giggled and rolled her eyes. I took her hand and led her back to the trailer._

 _Later, she insisted on helping me finish the dishes. As I handed her a plate to dry, she sighed sadly._

" _Are you okay?" I asked, recognizing the sadness in her eyes._

" _My mother's dead," she said._

 _I put the dish I was washing down, and turned to face her._

" _I screamed at her," she sniffed. "I said really mean things, and she was_ _ **lucid.**_ _And now…" Meredith swallowed back a sob._

" _She's dead." I finished._

" _Yeah."_

 _I sighed and wrapped her in my arms. "It wasn't your fault, Mere… it-,"_

" _I know… I just…" her body shivered and quaked as she fought to compose herself._

 _I pulled her over to the couch and waited._

" _I just…" Meredith hiccupped, "I get it now."_

" _Get what?"_

" _Do you remember Sona and Jorge?"_

 _The names sounded familiar, "Um…" I racked my brain._

" _Nail gun and red dress," Meredith said._

" _Oh, Jorge!" Now I remembered. "They were a sweet couple," I paused as I thought about their case. Jorge had a tumor, I recalled. It was a successful surgery, although he still had to go for chemo and radiation. I blinked as I recalled another detail. "You didn't want them to have the surgery."_

" _My mother…" Meredith stared at nothing, "She didn't remember me. I was her kid, and she didn't remember me. But she remembered her scrub nurse." She shook her head and tugged on her shirt sleeves. "Derek, I… I was wrong. If I could give my mother more time… even ten more bad years… I would. I tried… I tried to tell her that but-," she gasped as another sob tried to work it's way through her._

" _Mm," was all I could say as I pulled her even closer to me._

 _xxx_

Looking at Meredith's Person now, I rubbed my chin thoughtfully, "I'm remembering something," I said quietly. "I'm not giving up Cristina, I think, deep down, she does want to be saved. And I'm going to do what I can to save her."

 **A/N:** Whew! Not done yet! Expect another part coming soon, hopefully in a couple days! **Please review!** Really, Really want to hear what you think! This update was inspired by episode 1x04, No man's land… an awesome episode! You should re-watch it. Also… wasn't the 300th episode amazing? Mere finally got her Harper Avery Award!


	47. Breakfast Part 2 (A Boy in my Bed)

**A/N:** Here we go again! Thanks Patsy, mandyg67, and MerDer2015… Where's everybody else?

 **Enjoy!**

 **Derek.** (Right where we left off.)

After Cristina's talk with me, I remained at the trailer to sober up and to think, prepare. I would need to remember to be patient, and I would need to plan. I called Zola and got some information about Meredith's trial, her doctors, and her meds. Zola also mentioned Meredith had an appointment the day after tomorrow at the Allen Institute.

Then I wrote a list.

I'd win her back, my wife. I'd remind her, in more ways than one that I was her husband, that I loved her, and I wasn't leaving.

On a blue post-it in the trailer, I wrote my ideas down and smiled.

But first, I had to actually show up.

xxx

It was late when I arrived home, and the evening drizzle was enough to sprinkle my hair and dust my shoulders. Bailey was sprawled out on the couch, watching a surgical tape.

"Hey," I greeted.

"You came back," he said, pausing the video.

"Yeah… I um," I hung up my coat and strode over into the living room to sit across from him. "I'm sorry. I just… I needed-,"

"Space?" Bailey finished.

"Yeah… Just… to think…"

"S'cool." My son replied.

"It's cool?" I repeated.

"Just… don't do it again."

I swallowed and met my son's intense grey eyes,"I won't." Bailey nodded and turned his attention back to the tv, turning up the volume. "What are you watching?" I asked.

"Mom's old surgery tapes. The drug trial she worked on… her method… was unique."

"Hm," I leaned back in the chair and watched for a few minutes. "Any progress in the last ten years?"

"It's been slow, and confusing. Nothing significant yet, small animal tests…" he shrugged.

"Mm," I stood up. "I'm going to check on Meredith, and… Bailey…" I looked carefully down at my son, "I'm here to stay."

"I know," he replied, a scarce whisper.

xxx

I went upstairs and stood in the doorway of Meredith's room. My wife stretched out on her side of the bed, her hair askew, one arm hanging over the side, the other over her abdomen. In my love filled eyes, she was an angel that fell from heaven.

 _I'm a girl with abandonment issues. You have to sleep with me from now on._

Her snores didn't bother me. In fact, as I recalled, it was her absence that used to keep me up at night, not her comforting presence. Sighing softly, I entered the room. Above the bed, as always, was the post-it. I wondered how often she looked at it, how much she'd seen it. It was faded, the blue bleached by the sun, and the once glistening ink now dull and sullen. I picked up the framed post-it and set it on the table by my bed.

After I changed into a pair of sweats, I tugged on the covers and slipped in beside her. Meredith shifted and I stilled, anxious of her fluttering gaze upon me, but a second later she rolled on her belly and her snores continued.

Curled on my side, I watched her sleep, and waited… to drift away.

But as my thoughts quieted, and my breaths shallowed, as my eyelids grew heavy, Meredith turned in her sleep once more, facing me.

I dared to reach across the gap. The pads of my fingertips touched her silky hair and drew the strands behind her ear. With my thumb, I caressed her warm cheek.

And then she sighed, and green eyes blinked out from pale eyelids at me.I retracted my hand as if recoiling from a hot stove element. "Muh," My wife mumbled, still asleep. She sighed loudly and turned away in her sleep.

I was about to turn onto my back when I felt her hand graze my thigh. Her cold fingers landed on mine and she gripped them tightly pulling me closer as she leaned back into me.

Our fingers interlaced, and my palm rested against her chest, where I could feel every movement, every heartbeat.

I was home.

xxx

"There's a boy in my bed," I heard Meredith whisper harshly. I blinked but refrained from groaning awake. Through the slits of my eyelids, I saw her familiar frame perched in the chair across from the bed, wrapped in a red robe.

Then I realized she was talking on the phone. There was a pause as Meredith listened to the voice on the other end. "What do you mean I'm married? McDreamy? Yeah, right!"

The voice persisted, and though I couldn't hear it exactly, I had I feeling I knew who it was.

"A post-it? What are you talking about?"

I kept my eyes closed. This was interesting… More noise from the other end. "But Cristina… I-," Meredith tried again.

I opened one eye to see my wife run her long fingers through her hair. "Okay… okay, fine. Blue post-it, got it. Kay, bye." She hung up the phone and placed it on the dresser. I closed my eyes, as if to hide, but I felt her gaze on me.

So I sighed loudly and shifted onto my side, tucking my arm under my head. "Hi," I murmured, allowing her to see my blue eyes and a small glimmer of 'McDreamy' charm.

"Hi…" My wife tilted her head and eyed me curiously. It was like, one part of her was trying to place me, and the other was in complete disbelief.

"Uh," I sat up in bed and pulled the covers off, "…Derek," I introduced myself.

"Derek," Meredith repeated slowly, nodding.

A thought occurred to me… and I smiled. Beamed actually. "You must be Meredith," I charmed.

"Uh," she stuttered.

"You know…" I said softly. "We don't have to do the thing, exchange details…" I shrugged. "I'm going to take a shower, and when I get back…"

"I'll still be here," Meredith whispered.

"Good," I nodded and reached behind me, to the post-it on my bedside table. "A little something for you…" I handed her the frame. "A reminder."

"Reminder?" She bit her lip while I stared at her lovingly.

"Baby steps. No sudden moves," I dipped my head at her. I wanted to kiss her soft perplexed lips, burrow my head in the crook of her neck and breathe her in… but instead, I just grabbed a towel from the laundry basket and padded into the master bath.

xxx

Ten minutes later, I found her almost exactly where I left her. Meredith sat in bed, her back against the headboard as the framed post-it rested between her knees.

"Hi," I said again, throwing the towel over my shoulder and casually walking toward the bed.

"Hi," she met my eyes for a moment before looking back at the frame. I stepped slowly and sat on the corner of the bed, facing her. "This is me," she said, "This is my signature," she tapped the glass with her thumb.

 _You have a piece of paper?_

"Mm," I rumbled.

 _For what?_

She stared at the faded paper, her hand stroking the glass. "Derek," she read off the post-it. "Derek Shepherd. You're Derek."

"Yes," I said. Looking at her hand, I placed mine over hers.

 _I want to be with you forever._

Meredith studied the post-it. "I… have a husband." She looked back up at me, her grey eyes searching. "You're my husband."

I nodded, my gaze searching her deep irises. "Yes," I squeezed her hand.

 _And you want to be with me forever._

For a split second, as I saw my reflection in her eyes, it didn't register. Like I had been talking to a mannequin. But something changed. Her features softened, "Derek?" she asked.

 _What do we want to promise each other?_

"It's me." I couldn't resist. Pulling her gently toward me, I caressed her cheek and peered down at her lips. My fingers slid down her chin and I curled my index finger underneath, tipping her mouth to mine.

 _If I get Alzheimer's and forget you…_

When I tasted her delicate lips, it was like our very first kiss as a married couple, sweet and languid. Gently, I reminded her who I was through every stroke and press.

 _I will remind you, who I am, everyday._

"Derek," she gasped when we parted. Her eyes shone brightly.

"Meredith," I said.

"I forgot," she sniffed. "You're my husband."

"I'm the love of your life," I said. "I'll remember for you," and I cupped her cheeks and captured her lips again. More kisses I say.

xxx

"Where are we going?" Meredith asked as I drove along the highway.

"Trust me," I said for probably the fifth time. But I forced myself not to mind. She was my wife. I made a vow.

 _Take care of each other even when we're old and smelly and senile._

 _No running._

Meredith stared, childlike, out the window at Elliot Bay as we continued on our way. "Where are we going?"

I took her hand in mine and rested it on my thigh. "Trust me," I smiled.

 _This is the happy ever after part, and in the happy ever after part the guy is everywhere, all the time, saying things…_

 _Just for the record, I am your knight in shining whatever._

xxx

She'd brought me here just days ago. To remind me, to prepare me. To give me strength. To love me. Now…

I wanted to give that back.

"A trailer?" she asked, mouth wide in amusement, hand upturned and finger pointing slightly.

I stopped in front of her and tilted my head. "I um," I shrugged, unsure. Then I reached out and held her shoulders, "I um… I'm your husband… and, you're my wife," I said quietly. "We have three grown children… We're surgeons. We fix people. We teach other doctors..."

Meredith gazed at me, eyes wide and amazed.

"You…" I shook my head, still smiling. "Since the first day I met you… I was… It wasn't some fling. I fell in love with you." A dark thought crossed my mind, and I took one of her hands. "A disaster happened, and… I was gone. For a long time. I lost myself." I swallowed and squeezed her hand. "While I was gone… you… held everyone together. You tried. You hung on. Even when you were diagnosed with Alzheimer's"

I could see a sheen of wetness in her eyes as I spoke, "we used to try and meet here, every few days… for breakfast. Even when we were really busy."

"We did?" Meredith asked, her voice hoarse and raspy.

"Yeah," I smiled. Meredith stared at the trailer again, and I gently walked her to the door, "Yesterday… I caught some trout." I told her.

"Trout?"

"A freshwater fish, that lives in lakes, streams and rivers all over North America."

Meredith scoffed and rolled her eyes, which only made me love her more.

"Yes," I smiled, "We're having trout for breakfast, and we're going to sit here and read the paper, and cheat on the Sunday crossword. That's what we're going to do, because I am your knight in shining… whatever, and this is the happy ever after part."

"My knight in shining whatever?" Meredith teased, "Not just a boy in my bed?"

"Mm," I grinned wildly and kissed her on the nose.

xxx

After breakfast, we cuddled and reminisced, peering through a photo album from our early days together. Halfway through, Meredith fell asleep, her head resting on my chest as I lounged in bed. I kissed her soft locks and let her be, relishing in the feeling that welled in my heart from the soft body that melded so easily with mine.

I dozed too, but was awakened shortly thereafter by the sound of loud drumming. It was a heavy downpour, and my plans for a short trip to the dock for fishing lessons was ruined.

"C'mon," I woke her up, we threw on our jackets and made a mad dash to the Lexus.

But I had one last item to check off my list.

 _Let you eat the last piece of cheesecake-_

On the Ferryboat, I led her to the inside promenade, a small cardboard box in my hand.

"What's that?" Meredith asked as I gestured for her to take a seat. From my pocket, I pulled out a small birthday candle and opened the box.

"A cheesy thing?" She asked in surprise.

"Yes," I nodded. "Strawberry Cheesecake, your favorite," from my inside pocket I produced two forks and a couple of napkins.

"You…" Meredith sighed… "You're cheesy."

"Yes, and you love it." I grinned again, plunking the candle into the dessert and lighting it.

"I do," she chuckled as she sunk her fork into the soft pink, red and white cake.

I blew out the candle, making a silent wish.

Meredith insisted I have the last bite.

xxx

Meredith shrieked and giggled as I followed her out of the car into the house after a heavy make-out session. I could barely contain myself as we dashed- (yes dashed,) up the stairs to our room.

Our room.

We kissed, nuzzled, licked. Tore off our clothes, revealed ourselves, our pain, our love, our fear. When Meredith touched me, I fell in love all over again. Her hands, her lips, her soft skin smoothing my rough edges.

She let me in, and with each thrust and roll of my hips I promised to make it better. To fix it. With each caress I vowed to never leave or run or hate. I came inside her, an explosion of sensation and ecstasy. I released my love into her, Meredith, my wife.

"Oh!" she gasped, "Oh!" she clutched me, twitching and shivering in her own pleasure, her body hot and slick against mine. "Derek," she whispered.

"Mm." I nibbled her ear as we spooned on the bed.

"You're my husband…"

"And you," I kissed her temple, her eyebrow, her cheek, "Are my wife."

xxx

The rare morning sun pierced through the thin curtains and rested on me, warming my body through the blankets. I sighed and rolled over, reaching for Meredith. But her side of the bed was empty. "Mere?" I called, but there was no answer. I sighed again, taking time to wake up. I would have to get used to this.

After a moment, I sat up and plodded to the bathroom. There was evidence that she'd been in there; an open shampoo bottle sat on the sink, a towel lay on the toilet lid and her used but unrinsed toothbrush also lay on the counter. I put the shampoo bottle back on the shelf by the shower, the towel on the towel rack, and I rinsed out the brush and put it in it's container. When I finished my business, I set about looking for my wife. "Meredith?" I called.

Further evidence greeted me in the hallway. I picked up her pajama top and a sock. An overflowing laundry basket greeted me in the middle of the hallway, several articles of clothing splayed about. I smiled. Had she changed in the hallway?

The kid's rooms were empty, they were all at work; if I remembered the schedule correctly.

Meredith wasn't at the top of the stairs, where I would find her about fifty percent of the time. Which meant she was probably being a nuisance somewhere downstairs. Hearing muttering and the banging, I trotted downstairs to the kitchen. "Hi," I said.

My wife looked up at me from her project. There was a pan, and cheese and butter on the counter in front of her, as well as a mixing bowl and a soup ladle. "Hi," she said softly before turning back to the stuff on the counter. "Um…" Her gaze flicked to me and then to the ingredients laid out in front of her.

"You're making breakfast?" I asked.

"Well, I'm no chef, but I know my way around grilled cheese," she said.

"Mm," I said, smiling.

"There's coffee," she gestured to the pot.

I picked up a mug and poured myself some. "Thank you."

Meredith nodded and scooped up some butter with the knife in one hand, and a slice of cheese in the other. Seeing this, I reached for the bread and set it in front of her. Meredith paused, and I could see her mentally shift gears. She'd been about to butter the cheese. She put the knife down and picked up the bread, then scrunched her nose in confusion. With a little shake of her head, Meredith put both items down.

I waited. This was the struggle. It was about dignity. She wanted to do something wife-y for me. She'd gotten up, combed her hair, brushed her teeth, washed, and struggled down the stairs to make _me_ breakfast.

I wanted to swoop in and save her, butter the bread, place the cheese, and grill the sandwiches. It would certainly make things easier, but that wasn't the point. Instead, I picked up the paper and flipped it open, leaning back in the chair at the kitchen table.

The coffee was quite bitter, and I suspected she put too much in, but I chose not to say anything. She was trying.

As I half read an editorial on financial planning, I heard butter sizzle in the pan and nodded to myself.

Suddenly, after ten years, I had my family back. But it was different from the family I remembered. My world didn't revolve around taking kids to school and activities, going to work, teaching, and solving medical problems.

Now it revolved around Meredith.

I looked up from my paper. Something was burning. "Meredith?" I called. She was gone. "Meredith!" I shot out of my chair, the pan on the stove was smoking. Quickly, I picked it up and threw it into the sink, the grilled cheese sandwich completely blackened on the bottom. The cheese formed a melted gooey mess, running down the side.

I looked around the kitchen, she was gone. "Meredith?" I called again, pushing the door open to the living room. "Where are you?" Where did she go? What happened to her? "Mere!"

She probably wasn't upstairs, she had an aversion to stairs as her depth perception made it hard for her to manage them without help. The bathroom door was open, and peering in, it was empty. That left the laundry room or the den.

I chose the den.

"Meredith," I called as I swung the door open, "you forgot about the-," I found her staring at the rows of books in the den. One book rested heavily in her hands. A five-hundred page volume of Anatomy of the Brain.

"Meredith?" I asked.

"I don't know," she said.

"Mere-,"

She shook her head as I approached. "Hey," I said as I kissed her on the top of her head. It smelled like lavender. "What are you doing in here?"

Her expression scrunched up. "I don't know… There's something…I wrote something once, I think…"

"Yeah," I smiled. "You wrote a book."

"I know, but-,"

I squeezed her hand and tried to reassure her as best I could. It was a difficult thing, seeing a brilliant mind… stuck.

She played with her fingers as her gaze searched the room. "But I wrote something else, I think. I don't…" she trailed off.

"C'mon," I said. "We have to get to your appointment."

"I don't want to go. I feel like a lab… pig or whatever." Meredith leaned against my chest.

"I know…" I kissed the top of her head. "Hey, it'll be over before you know it, and then we can check this out," I gestured to the den and all its secrets.

"Okay," she sighed. "Oh, I was going to make you breakfast."

"You did." I said.

"I did?"

"Mm-hmm," I hummed. "Grilled cheese. It was delicious."

"It was?"

"Yup."

"I didn't burn it?"

I shrugged, "maybe… just a tad, but I loved every bite."

"Weird, I don't remember making it."

"Well, I remember eating it, so I guess that counts for something right?" I pulled her into a side hug.

Meredith sighed into me. "You're my husband."

"And you…" I kissed her ear, "are my wife."

 **A/N:** Yay! I did it! Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I'm not done yet… still looking at several chapters to get to the magical conclusion… Please, please review, I hate begging, but your comments are as addictive to me as my updates are for you. I have an incredibly demanding schedule, and it means so much that the hours (days) I put into this actually pay off.

I will try my best to post updates to my other stories! Stay tuned!


	48. Scared to Lose You

**A/N:** Hello again everyone! I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and enjoying this New Year! I can't believe I've been writing this for two years now! Thanks to my reviewers, Pat, mandyg67, Patsy, izgreysfan, mckenna, .EdwardCullen, Ms Scarlet, Greysfannn, postitdempsey, Hasi2012, and Guest! Thank you! You guys are amazing! Thank you for embracing this story and the sentiment behind it.

 **Enjoy!**

 **Derek,** **last night.**

 _Meredith fell asleep after we made love, and I softly stroked her hair while I watched over her. She looked so peaceful. She always looked that way when she slept, but this was different somehow. Even the sex had been different, I reflected. Different in a good way. It had been… I stroked my chin, thinking… meaningful. The whole day had been about that._

 _That I meant it._

 _To be with her. Even when old, senile and smelly. And when I made love to her just now, it was different than the last two times. Because it wasn't about me wanting her, or her showing herself to me… it was…_

 _A promise to myself._

 _To keep my promises to her._

 _I'd run before. Under the guise of 'space,' when we lost Zola._

 _She pushed me away, too. When I hurt her too much, when my ego got the better of me. When I couldn't get perspective, I let her push me away. I let her dictate the terms, and that almost broke us more than once._

 _I sighed and rolled over on my back, thinking._

 _Meredith had Alzheimer's. My wife was really quite sick. I remembered years ago, when she got tested, she'd been adamant that she didn't want to live with this disease. And I'd been just as adamant that we'd figure it out together._

 _We never got that chance. She lost me instead. And then…_

 _Meredith shifted, her small form curling toward me, and the snores started. She was deep asleep. Finally. With the back of my hand, I brushed loose blonde tendrils out of her face before I kissed her nose, and then I pulled the covers off and got out of bed._

 _I just needed perspective._

 _I made my way downstairs to the kitchen, not exactly in the headspace for sleep. Maybe there was some tea or something. The kitchen light was on, and light beamed in from the living room entrance. I shuffled in, wondering who was up._

 _Zola._

" _Hey," I said to my eldest as I sat down at the counter._

 _Her smile spread soft and slow over her dark skin as she noticed me. "Hey dad…" She poured some water into the kettle and set it on the stove._

" _Mm," I sniffed, she was cooking something… whatever it was… it smelled amazing._

" _I'm baking muffins. Maggie's recipe. Her mom used to make them all the time. I think the boys will love it."_

 _I blinked, "The boys?" I asked._

" _You know, B.D and Julian?"_

" _Oh," I nodded. "Right. How is B.D?" I knew the tumor extraction had gone perfectly, but I'd been so wrapped up in my own recovery and taking care of Meredith that I'd forgotten._

" _He's doing really great. Dr. Peters said he could probably go home tomorrow actually."_

" _Really?" I smiled. That was wonderful news. The kettle whistled and Zola pulled a couple of mugs down from the cupboard._

" _Want some hot chocolate?" she asked, scooping some powder from the can._

" _Sounds great," I said. Hot chocolate with my daughter would be great. I watched her prepare the quick drink, adding some milk for creaminess. "Thanks for bringing me back," I said as I accepted the red mug she offered._

" _Bringing you back?" she asked._

" _You sent Cristina."_

" _Oh, that. Well Cristina kinda just sent herself, but you're welcome." She smiled._

 _Seeing that smile, the way she glowed, even after everything she'd been through… after everything I knew she did to hold the four of them together while I'd been gone… my throat clogged for a second._

" _It was hard for you," Zola said. "Seeing mom like that… so soon. You didn't get a chance to adjust."_

 _Wrapping my hand around the warm ceramic, I sipped the hot chocolate and savored the sweet creamy drink. "It scared me," I admitted. Zola sat beside me with her own mug, propping the side of her head with her fist. She sighed empathetically, and her warm gaze melted my fears. "I… I'm sorry for leaving. You…" I sighed, trying to think of what to say. All I could come up with was, "Thank you. For being there when I… couldn't. You're so strong." Even though, genetically, Zola was the farthest thing from being related to us, having been born in Africa, all I could see in her was Meredith. Strong Meredith. Fighter Meredith. "I don't know how you do it. I mean…" I shook my head._

 _She sniffed and swirled her hot chocolate with her spoon. "She's my mom." Zola said. "She would fight for us. I want to fight for her too."_

 _But for how long? I thought._

 _Zola saw the questions in my eyes, the heartbreak. The oven timer dinged, and she got up and pulled the muffins out of the oven, resting them on the counter to cool. "Stay there," she said to me when she put her oven mitts away. "I have to show you something."_

 _She came back a few minutes later with a thick black folder and sidled up beside me. "This is… her living will."_

" _Oh," I said thickly. I didn't know. Meredith hadn't told me about it._

" _I'll let you look through it, but the gist of it? She wants to fight."_

 _She did? I thought. I stared at the pages, not really reading them, just flipping through stuff. I didn't quite understand. Meredith had had such heartbreak with her mother's disease, and when she found out she might get the disease herself? I shook my head._

" _Look," Zola touched my arm, "Here's the thing… she's not fighting for her, she's fighting for us."_

 _I swallowed and stared back at the thick bundle of papers. There was a lot more than a living will in here._

 _Zola sighed, she walked to the counter and popped a couple of blueberry muffins from the pan onto a plate. "Come on, let's sit in the living room and go over this okay?"_

 **Meredith**

I fidgeted with the heavy volume in my hands. _Anatomy of the Brain._ A med school textbook. I didn't know why I had it… but… I couldn't put it down.

"Meredith, you can put that down," the man said. He was a handsome man. His hair was thick and wavy, his eyes were a deep bluish green and full of love. I knew he loved me. I knew he was important to me. Very important…

I just… couldn't remember his name for some reason.

"Meredith," his hand rested on the book. I looked up at him and saw his concern, but the book was important to me somehow. I pulled it closer to me and turned my body away. "Come on, we need to get ready for your appointment." I felt his hand on the small of my back as he gently led me out the door to the study. Appointment? What appointment? I didn't remember making an appointment. I shook my head. I didn't want to go anywhere, I had to figure something out. Something about my brain. Which was why I had the book, right?

"I have to eat this," I said. Eat? Wrong word. "I have to EAT this." Crap. I messed it up again. Whatever. I pulled away from McDreamy. He probably thought I was weird. But I had a brain thing, and I had to figure it out. "I…"

"It's fine Meredith, we'll take the book too."

We would? Good. I released a sigh of relief.

"Here," The man came closer, and I let him take the heavy volume from my hands. "You need to wear a jacket," he said. "It's cold out." He pulled my jacket from the coat thingy and helped me with it while I stared at him.

What was his freaking name? I should know this. I'm… he's my…

"Thanks," I said as he pulled the coat around me. He was so kind, this man. I fidgeted with the buttons on my coat as he adjusted my collar, and for a second, our eyes met.

 _Ah, you're ignoring me._

 _I'm trying to._

 _You shouldn't ignore me._

 _Why not?_

 _I'm someone you need to get to know to love._

 _So, if I know you, I'll love you?_

 _Oh yes._

"Do I know you?" I asked. Because I felt… like I knew this man. Even though I couldn't remember him at the moment, I felt I should know him.

When he smiled, the crowsfeet in the corner of his eyes crinkled. "Yes." I felt the soft fabric of my red wool scarf wrap under my chin as he pulled it around me.

"So… I love you?" I couldn't explain it. I just… felt warm around him. And it wasn't just that he was important to me… it was… If my gnarled brain could grasp the feeling in my heart that rushed through me every time I saw him, I would have a word for it. Love? No… More than love. Like he was… or had been, the center of my world. Like I couldn't live without him.

His gaze twinkled like stars winking at night. His warm breath puffed on my forehead before he kissed me, a light press of his lips on my warm skin. "You love me," he said.

"Good," I said. At least _he_ knew how I felt.

"I love you too," he said, handing me a big book.

I stared at it. What was I doing with this huge volume of The Anatomy of the Brain?

"Come on, let's get you to your appointment."

"Appointment? For what?" I didn't want to go. Whatever it was, I just… I had a feeling.

"It's fine," he smiled, shrugging his own coat on. "It'll be fine Meredith, trust me." He looped his arm around mine and guided me to the door.

"I know you, right?" I asked as I stepped out onto the porch. Was this the man I loved?

xxx

"Where are we going?" I asked. I lost track of where we were a few turns ago, and though I knew I was safe, it bothered me that the car seemed to go faster than my mind could keep up.

"We're almost there," he said, looking down at my hand in his.

"Where?" I asked again. Where was there? When would we be there? I felt his thumb gently rub the back of my hand, and I sighed, trying to fight the anxiety rising in my chest. A big weight rested on my lap. My brain book. I'd brought it with me as some sort of security blanket and I'd tried to read it, but I couldn't work my way through a few sentences before I lost my place, and-

"-It's all right," he was saying, "Everything's going to be fine."

 _I wish you'd stop saying that. You don't know. Anything could happen._

"It's not all right. Something is wrong with me, and I can't-," My throat closed up, my eyes watered. I let out a shivering sigh and turned to look out the window. The car sped with the traffic along the Bay, and out in the water, a big… a… big floating thing made its way across. I pressed a finger on the cold glass. I should know… I should know what that thing is, right?

"Shh," I heard him say, his thumb brushing over the backs of my fingers, "It's all right, Meredith. Everything will go… the way it goes."

His hand left mine for a second, and before I could figure out what that meant I was pulled toward him, my cheek bumping into his chest as he hugged me. "Close your eyes Mere," he said softly. "We'll be there soon."

"I love you," I said, though I couldn't remember why, or when it happened. I just knew… how he made me feel.

And in this moment; his arm around my shoulder, my head against his chest, the warmth of him bleeding through his light jacket… With his faint scent of sweat and soap and deodorant lingering around me, I felt safe.

xxx

 **Derek**

If I could recall, I'd only been to the Allen institute once, and that had been only just a networking thing. But apparently this was my wife's best chance. This was where they put her on a drug trial. According to Zola, she was almost done… Now they were going to do some final tests to see the results. I was curious as to Meredith's progress, really, and while Meredith was scheduled for testing, I also had an appointment with her neuropsychologist, Dr. Allan.

But right now, I was riding with her in the elevator to the third floor of the institute. She'd grown quiet since we parked, and once she saw the unusual glass paneled building, she'd drawn closer to me, squeezing my arm a little tighter as we walked inside. She was nervous. Today she was scheduled for a battery of tests. An MRI, a PET scan to determine the range of amyloid plaque in her brain, even a spinal tap to determine the amount of beta-proteins there were. I'd been skeptical, but Zola had explained that this is what she wanted.

I squeezed my wife's hand as we rode up. She didn't squeeze back. When I looked down at her, she stared blankly ahead. My heart twisted. I just… I needed to connect with her. Today. Right now. I pushed the stop button and turned to her. "Meredith?" I asked softly.

Nothing.

So, I stroked her cheek, pushing a bit of her hair behind her ear. "Hi," I said. Slowly she gazed up at me, the soft lighting reflecting in her complex grey-green irises. My hand drifted under her chin, and I leaned forward slightly, capturing every detail of her face, every freckle, every wrinkle and blemish. Everything that made her beautiful. Finally, I gazed at her lips.

Meredith, perhaps a little self conscious, pulled away and bit her lip.

 _It's okay,_ I tried to say with my eyes, my expression, my heart. I leaned forward again. _It's all right._

I heard the little huff escape her lips, _okay,_ she consented.

I tilted my head ever so slightly and kissed her.

She sighed into me, and I kissed her again. She squeezed my shoulders, and then she was kissing me back. Deep, soft…

Still Meredith.

"Hi," I breathed against her. Pulling away, I continued to gaze at her, thinking… what to say.

"Hi," Meredith said. There was a wistfulness in her eyes, a longing… like she was trying to believe in something she wasn't sure of.

"Meredith," Gently, I rubbed her upper arm to comfort her. My hand dropped to clasp hers. "I know you think there's something wrong with you, and things don't always make sense. Like right now, you might not know my name, or where you are exactly. You say you have… a _brain thing._ " I smiled at her terminology. "But all this time, you've been fighting. Fighting for the kids. For me. For us." I swallowed. "You've gotten us this far, you moved us forward. You survived." I could feel my adam's apple bob. Everything got tight. I exhaled. "I'm here now. I'm not lost anymore. You believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself. And you stayed with me even when I left. So, I'm just gonna say this. I love you, Meredith Grey. And… I'm not going to leave your side until I die; in your arms, when I'm 110 years old." I squeezed her hand gently and sent her my most reassuring smile.

When she didn't move, my heart froze mid-beat, _thump-tha-thump_ - _tha-_ I couldn't breathe. Did she even know what I just said? Did she have any inkling of who I was at all?

But her expression broke, and she crushed my hand with the force of her grip. "I-," Meredith sputtered, "You- I've- there's-," she started, her gaze searching my face, _thump-tha-thump-tha-thump-tha-thump,_ my heart jackhammered. I fought for breath as I stepped into her space. "-I've been trying so hard!" Meredith grabbed a chunk of my sweater, pulling me into her.

I wrapped my arms around her. When did she ever feel this small in my embrace? "Mere-," what else could I say? "Hey… shhh, shh."

"I just… have this feeling, and I'm scared."

"I know," I said.

 _I have a feeling._

 _If you wait long enough, it'll pass._

"I know you," Meredith said. "I _know_ you. You know me. You love me. I know you love me…"

But…

I saw it in her eyes. Abandonment. Loss. Fear.

 _I spend every minute of every day worrying that I'm gonna get a phone call that you wrapped your car around a pole! That's what I think about, every time you pull out of the driveway._

"And I must love you right? I mean, we kissed… and… that wasn't just… so I think I love you. I _should_ love you." She swallowed thickly, "But it scares me to love you because-,"

 _I'm scared to love you, because it means I have something to lose._

 _And I don't want to lose you._

"Meredith," I managed to pull her hand from my sweater. I put my hands on her shoulders. Love wasn't enough, I knew. Love wouldn't cure her, wouldn't save her. No, love wasn't enough. Not in that sense. I looked my wife right in the eye. "It's me. I'm your husband. I'm right here. I'm okay. We're okay." Folding my arms around her, I absorbed her heartache. "I will never leave you, I promise."

xxx

 **Meredith**

"-It's a simple procedure, as you know…" I heard someone say.

The room coalesced into shape around me. A standard patient exam room. I recognized the tools hanging on the wall. A sphygmomanometer for blood pressure, and beside it an otoscope and ophthalmoscope, for checking ears, nose and eyes.

"…We'll give her a very light sedative, and apply a local anesthetic to the area where we'll draw the spinal fluid."

I picked up the reflex hammer and tested it on my knees. Reflexes were good. I put it down and picked up the ophthalmoscope, peering through it. My gaze through the lens settled on the man seated across from me as he talked to the doctor. I liked this man. He was very kind.

"Okay," he said. "But I don't understand… why a spinal tap for Alzheimer's?"

Alzheimer's? My mother has Alzheimer's. Not a fun disease. At least not for me, my mother being Dr. Ellis Grey, renowned surgeon, but crappy mother.

"The science is relatively new, but… the aim is to measure the amount of tau and beta-amyloid in her nervous system."

"What are we going to do with that information?" The man asked. Seeing me with the scope, he smiled and came toward my seat on the exam table. I felt cold on the outside, but the way he looked at me made my heart warm. I closed one eye and squinted at him through my device.

"Right now, we'll record it and send it to Dr. Allen, and he will use the results to advise on her treatment plan." The white coat lady said.

"Hmm," the man hummed as he stroked my cheek. I couldn't help but smile bashfully back. I didn't know why, but I felt safe.

"And the MRI? Will she be sedated?"

Yes, please, sedate my mother. That's the only way to get her to do anything, I thought.

The woman shook her head. "That's why we planned the spinal tap first, so she'll still be a little under the effects when we start the MRI. We'll monitor her while she's in there, and if she appears anxious we'll give her some anti-anxiety medication."

"Okay," he said. "Hear that Meredith? It's going to be fine."

Fine? Of course it would be fine. I'm always fine. "I'm fine." I said, putting the whatsit down. "My mother, on the other hand, is not. Good luck with her." I rolled my eyes.

He blinked, and looked at me strangely.

"We are talking about my mother, right?" I asked, seeing the confusion in his eyes.

"Meredith-," he started, but the doctor stepped from behind him.

"Yes," she said, picking up the thingamawhat-ey I was holding. She hung it up beside the hammer and the sphinx. "Don't worry about your mother, I can assure you she'll be fine."

"Good then." I nodded. "Well, I think I'm done here. Any papers to sign?" I scooted off the exam table, the paper rustling under my ass. Wait. I looked down at myself. "Where's my clothes?" I asked. Why was I in a hospital gown?

"Uh," the man stuttered

"You're here for your physical, remember? And we have to give you a shot too."

"Seriously?" I muttered, what the hell happened that I needed a shot?

"Standard procedure, Dr. Grey." The man said suddenly, his tone soft but serious. "You're a resident now, you have to stay on top of these things."

"Ugh," I rolled my eyes, but smiled at him anyway. "Who are you? My boss?"

"Yeah," he flirted, stepping closer. He smelled nice. "I'm your boss. And you love it," His gaze traveled to my lips and he leaned in.

I leaned in too.

What was I doing kissing my boss in an exam room?

With a witness?

But… what the hell, you only live once, right?

xxx

"…Okay Meredith, you're going to feel some pressure…" I heard someone say from behind me as I lay curled up on my side on the exam table.

I blinked slowly, feeling a little tired, and stared at the man in front of me. He told me they were performing a spinal tap procedure on me. I was sick, he said. And they wanted to see if there was something they could do to make me better, so they had to do some tests.

I felt a gloved hand slide down my hip, and then… "Oww," I moaned. The needle slid through my skin, through the muscle, and between the vertebrae.

"It's okay Meredith," the man said, squeezing my hand.

"I-," I said, looking into his eyes, "do I know you?"

His other hand stroked my hair, and his eyes…

How could I forget those eyes?

"Yes," he said.

"Oh," I replied, and winced as the pressure in my lower back increased. They were drawing out the fluid. "How did I... How did I forget you?"

His gaze on me was soft and sad, and it made me sad too. He shouldn't be sad. "You got sick," he said.

"Oh."

"Meredith," the doctor said, "can you tuck your knees in a little closer to your chest?"

"Kay," I breathed, and did as instructed.

"Good," came the calm voice behind me, "Removing the needle."

It felt like someone was pulling a vein out of my back. "Ow," I whimpered, squeezing the man's hand.

"It's okay." He said.

"You don't have to be here," I breathed as the pressure finally left my spine, leaving a dull ache.

"I want to."

"You're my friend?" I asked. Although how this wonderful man became my friend I wouldn't know.

"Yes," he said. But the more I looked at him… the more…

I felt a breeze along my back as the drapes were removed. "All done here, Meredith," the doctor said. "You can sit up when you're ready."

I wasn't ready. I continued to gaze at the man with me. He wasn't just my friend… "You're my boyfriend," I smiled at him. This is what boyfriends would do right? Be with their girlfriends when they were sick?

He squeezed my hand, "Hm yes," he said, kissing my forehead. How did I get such a great boyfriend and not remember? This sounded like classic dark and twisty.

A sudden frightening thought occurred to me. "I'm really sick, then. I must be, to not…" I choked, "remember you."

He stood up from his stool beside me, stroking my head. "Come on, I'll help you sit up."

xxx

Even with the earplugs, it was noisy in the MRI machine. I was a doctor, a surgeon no less. I did MRI's on people all the time. But you don't know how bad the noise is until you're the one inside. I swallowed anxiously. I was scared. I had a brain thing. There was something wrong. I was losing my memory.

I had a dreamy boyfriend, and I couldn't even remember how I got him, or what his name was. But he was there, holding my foot as the machine thundered around me. I wiggled it, and he squeezed back gently. There was a little mirror above me that let me look over at him, and I knew he was worried too. But he sighed and nodded at me, his fingers massaging the sole of my left foot.

I closed my eyes and tried to be somewhere else.

 _Thunder cracked and roared outside, rain pelted the windows, and I was alone. Alone. Really, really alone this time. Zola was gone. My fault. And I kicked Alex out. And Derek left. Again, my fault. I ruined his trial and I stole a baby._

 _The house was empty. Lexie and Jackson were on a date, April was on call, and Cristina was probably halfway through a heart and lung transplant right now._

 _I was alone._

 _I rolled over in bed and stared at the empty crib. I really wanted tequila._

 _There was half a bottle downstairs, but tequila wasn't the answer. Whatever the answer was, it wasn't tequila._

 _I messed up. I messed it all up. In typical dark and twisty style, everything good I could ever realize in my life was now gone._

 _I rolled onto my back and crossed my arms. I haven't felt this alone since my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's._

 _Lightning flashed outside the window and I winced. The sky rumbled low and deep overhead. I hoped this would be over soon. If I could just fall asleep, I could get through this night. But the storm caused the old house to rattle and groan and make noises that tended to keep you up, and every once in a while, the lightning would light up the entire room like a lit fire cracker._

 _There was nothing to do but wait… wait for it to pass._

 _Somehow, my eyes closed._

 _ **BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!**_

 _I snapped awake, panting. What the hell? Did a tree fall?_

 _ **BANG-BANG-BANG!**_

 _Someone was at the door?_

 _But…_

 _ **BANG-BANG-BANG!**_

 _I bolted out of bed, ran down the stairs, and stopped in the foyer, staring at the entrance._

 _Was it Alex?_

 _Lightning flashed through the windows, causing shadows to flicker all around._

" _C'mon! Somebody open the damn door!"_

 _Derek. I swallowed, gathered my courage, and opened the door._

 _My husband stood before me, sopping wet. Water trickled down his forehead, his jacket was waterlogged, and his hair…_

 _Well…_

" _You gonna let me in?" he growled, "it's pouring out." I stumbled aside as he strode in, tearing his jacket off as he did so. "This doesn't mean anything, by the way… I'm still mad at you."_

" _Okay," I said, taking his coat and hanging it on the coat rack._

" _There's a fucking leak in the trailer," he said, climbing the stairs._

" _I'm sorry." I replied. No wonder he was wet._

" _Yeah," he snarked bitterly, "I'm sure you are."_

 _Even with my armour on, his words and tone hurt, but I said nothing. I hurt him worse. I could handle this. I bit back the harsh retort I felt coming. "Let's not fight right now, okay? You don't even have to talk to me if you don't want to."_

 _Derek made a sound like a growl in his throat._

 _But I had to admit, even though he was spitting mad at me, I was glad not to be alone. I sat down on the bed as he changed out of soaked jeans and a damp sweater. He threw on thick grey sweatpants and an indigo t-shirt before marching into the master bath and closing the door behind him._

 _Thunder rumbled again in the distance, but the hammering on the roof seemed to have died down. I lay back in bed._

 _Even if he said nothing, even if he didn't acknowledge my existence, he was here, and that could be enough._

 _It had to be. At least for now, I wouldn't be alone._

 _The door to the bathroom opened and Derek stalked out. But he didn't come around to his side of the bed. He marched right out of the room._

" _Derek?" I called._

" _Sleeping on the couch!" he hollered from the stairs._

 _Crap._

 _And it just hit me. Grief. Loss. Loneliness. My eyes watered. I sniffed. I would not cry. No crying. Grey's do not-_

 _A sob escaped my restrained lips. Then another, and another. I sucked in a shaky breath. Stop it. I got through blowing up, and drowning, George dying and Izzie leaving. I got through Derek almost dying, and a crazed gunman, and a miscarriage. I could get through one more night of a pissed off husband._

 _But the storm continued to rage outside, and the noise kept me awake. Out the window, the big poplar tree swayed back and forth, becoming a shadow monster in the darkness. It wasn't the storm that kept me up, however. If the thought of being a mother scared me once, now the thought of NOT being a mother scared me more. And the thought… that he really might just leave for good._

 _Even with the post-it vows over our bed._

 _I mean… he did it with Addison… and that was a real wedding, with invitations and dresses and… cake. While she hurt him by cheating on him, I hurt him worse. I killed his career_ _ **and**_ _his shot at a family._

 _And let's face it, not like my uterus was gonna heal anything anytime soon._

 _What could I say? It was complicated. It was… a drug in a box that could save her._

 _I did the right thing…_

 _I did._

 _The trees swayed, the wind howled, and the glass rattled._

 _I was alone._

 _I couldn't take it. I picked up my blanket and wrapped it around myself as I trudged down the stairs. In the living room, Derek lay on the couch on his back. I couldn't tell if he was awake or not. I sat across from him and curled up on the love seat._

" _What are you doing Meredith?" He rasped tiredly._

" _I was scared," I admitted. But it wasn't the storm that scared me._

" _It's just a storm."_

" _I know," I curled under the blankets, not wanting to admit that it wasn't the storm that frightened me._

 _Derek away from me, "Go to sleep, Mere," he mumbled._

 _I closed my eyes for a second, but all I could see on the backs of my eyelids was my husband holding my daughter, walking away from me, and I snapped back to consciousness._

 _What if he really did leave me? What if his love for me wasn't enough to stay around?_

 _I couldn't imagine, anymore, what it would be like to be without him. I didn't have much if I didn't have him._

 _Carefully I crawled into the space between his feet and the arm of the couch, folding myself up as small as possible. With one arm resting on my knees, my other hand stroked his foot._

 _He was here._

 _I didn't know what it meant for the future of us, but I would take what I could get._

 _xxx_

"-Make sure she drinks plenty of water, the radioactive tracers in her blood will need to get flushed out after her PET scan."

"Right. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't a PET scan on a brain be a little redundant? I don't see the point. If the tracers bind to sugar molecules, it's not going to make much difference as the brain uses sugar as energy. It's practically full of sugar. The image is gonna light up like the fourth of July."

I rolled over and rubbed my eyes. Had I fallen asleep? Where was I?

"Well," one of the voices said, "actually, it does help. These tracers don't just bind to sugar molecules, they bind to beta-amyloid plaques. From there, we can see where they are in her brain exactly, and what those clumps would affect the most.

"Hm," he said.

What was going on? I wondered. "S'happening?" I asked.

"Meredith, you're awake." My husband's face came into view.

"Derek?" I asked.

His expression changed from concern to relief. Why? I sat up, noting the IV in my hand, "I'm in the hospital?" What happened? I felt okay… tired. My back was sore, my head ached a little.

"You're okay," he said, brushing the hair from my forehead. "We're just doing some tests."

"Tests?"

"Meredith… how much do you remember?"

Remember?

"I…" my mind tried to stretch, tried to move backwards, but it was a jumbled mess. I remembered… Grilled cheese. And… a shower? Or a bath? Wetness. Janet took Zola… no… that was a long time ago. We got her back.

Strawberry syrup. Anatomy of the Brain. A red coffee cup breaking. A floating barge on the bay. No, not a barge, a…

I remembered the trailer, and a little boy from Africa. Pizza. Drinking beer with… with… the guy who was my son.

Loud noises and doctor's tools and grilled cheese… and the study. Research. Important research. About… about… my-

"Meredith?"

"Kisses," I blurted. "We kissed." Right?

"Hm," Derek stroked my cheek.

"Derek, what's…why can't I-," but from the look on his face I knew.

"Mere-," he started.

But I finished for him, finally cluing in to my own symptoms. "It's Alzheimer's. I have Alzheimer's, don't I?"

"Yes," He said thickly, and his face fell with misery as he rubbed my hand.

"Okay," I sighed, scrunching the bedsheets with my free hand. "It's okay," I whispered, even though it wasn't. "I guess it's okay."

"Meredith," Derek leaned over me, "I'm right here."

"I love you," I said as the gurney moved. _IloveyouandIneedyouandI'mhere._ "We're going for a scan?"

"Yeah… we need… we need to see how bad it is."

"It's bad?"

"Meredith, don't concern yourself with that, don't worry about it."

"It's Bad." I repeated.

"Shh," he kissed my forehead, my cheek, my lips. The gurney stopped outside of Imaging, and he pulled away. _IloveyouandIneedyouandI'mhere_

Something nagged in my head. It wasn't over. The fight. I had a secret weapon. But I didn't know where it was. "Derek," I called. "Derek."

"Yes," he said.

"In the study…" I licked my lips, thinking. "In the study… there's…" I tried to think about it. Where did I put it?

"Mere? What's in the study?"

"I…" In the study…I blinked, where was I? "What happened?" why was I in the hospital? "Who are you?"

xxx

 **Derek**

The car sped quietly along as I crossed the bridge. I glanced over at Meredith, and rubbed her thigh as she dozed lightly, her cheek pressed against the window. The Lexus hit a bump, jarring her awake, and she inhaled sharply, taking in her surroundings.

"Oh," she said, pointing out the window, "Ferryboats."

"Mm," I smiled.

"I love ferryboats," she said.

"Me too," I said.

"Yeah?" she asked.

I risked a quick glance in her direction, squeezing her hand. "Yeah." I took the off-ramp and turned onto Harper Lane. Red and white flashing lights suddenly got my attention, however. There were fire trucks ahead.

And smoke.

I frowned in concern, a twinge of anxiety tightening my chest. The smoke billowed at the top of the hill where our house was, thick and black, it drifted with the wind. "No," the word escaped my lips before I knew it. "No, no, no."

The Lexus climbed the hill. I didn't want to look. The noise and lights of the fire trucks jarred me. We crested the hill and my heart dropped.

The house was on fire.

xxx

Tongues of flame licked througout the kitchen area, and smoke billowed out of the window. Already, firemen surrounded the epicenter of the flames, dousing it with their high-pressure hoses. I jumped out of the car. "That's my house! That's my-,"

"Dad!"

I turned and saw Zola, "Are you all right? Where's-where's Bailey? And Ellis?" I asked clutching her shoulders, panicking. I just got them back. I just met them all over again. I wouldn't lose them again.

Zola exuded calm, however. "I'm fine dad," she said, returning my hug. Her deep brown eyes were reassuring, and I managed to suck in a few breaths. "They're at work, I think. I was just coming home, I-," her gaze slid over my shoulder and her calm vanished.

I turned, following her frightened gaze as she screamed, "Mom! Mom! No!"

 **A/N:** Uh-oh… cliffhanger! Will try not to take so long to update next… Please Review!


	49. Inspiration Enough

**A/N:** Thanks again everyone! Another round?

To **Pat** , thank you for your comments. I always enjoy hearing from you! My life is crazy. Updates may be slow… I don't like to get people's hopes up by posting an author's note saying that, "I'm working on it…" I'd rather just post the chapter. However, you can usually get a bead on what I'm working on if you check out my **author profile.** At the top of the profile, I usually post what I'm working on at the moment. And… unless I die, or become otherwise incapacitated, I have every intention of finishing this story.

 **Enjoy!**

 **Meredith:**

Smoke. It filled the foyer. A thick hazy layer that stung my eyes and burned my throat.

 _Where are we going mommy?_

I covered my mouth with my sleeve. The study. I had to get to the study.

 _Away._

There was something I needed. The door was right beside me and I opened it, coughing. Inside, the air was clear. I shut the door and scanned the shelves. There was something…

Something I wrote, about Alzheimer's.

 _I have a disease for which there is no cure! I think that would be inspiration enough!_

xxx

 _Amsterdam 2000._

" _Death?" Sadie asked wearily, "Can you make the ceiling stop spinning?"_

" _No," I grumbled, as I clutched the toilet bowl, swallowing back the threat of bile. "Can you make my stomach stop flipping?"_

" _Ugh," she moaned. "How much did we drink?"_

" _I don't know," I said, slumping back to the cold bathroom floor. "I stopped counting after…" I counted on my fingers, "six shots? And then there was that guy…um, uh-," I scrunched my nose, trying to remember… his name._

" _You don't remember?" Sadie asked._

" _No," I shrugged. "Prolly for the best…"_

" _Yeah," she snickered. "Wow, I think this is a new record."_

" _What can I say? I'm competitive." I said, as my stomach made unwelcome threats again. "Ohh…"_

" _What's that noise?" Sadie sat up._

 _I didn't hear anything. "What noise?"_

 _Just then the bathroom door opened, and a long blaring ring tone echoed off the walls in the tiny space. I looked up. Crap. It was that guy._

" _Your phone is ringing again," he said in a thick German accent. "You should answer it. It says it's your mother."_

 _My mother?_

 _What?_

 _It stopped ringing. I sighed a breath of relief. She could leave a message, and then I wouldn't have to deal with the yelling. We had a fight before I left in a furious rage, and now…_

 _I was hungover. Across the world. In freaking Amsterdam. My nameless one night stand stood over me with the phone, and my best friend was trying really hard not to upchuck into her lap._

 _Soo did not want to speak to my mother right now._

 _It rang again. "Crap," I mumbled. Nameless-one-night-stand guy handed me the phone. He looked sympathetic. "Get out." I glowered at him._

" _Are you-?"_

" _Get out!" I yelled again._

 _He nodded and left, closing the door behind him._

 _It rang again, and a terrible feeling overcame me. "Hello?" I croaked, answering it._

" _Meredith?" Her voice was strangely different. It sounded…weak. "Meredith." Bolder now, and I swallowed._

" _Mom?" I asked._

" _Meredith, you need to come home."_

" _No, mom, I-,"_

" _No arguing. You are getting on a plane and coming home."_

" _Mother, I-,"_

" _Meredith! Listen. I've been diagnosed. The tests have all been done. It's confirmed. I have Alzheimer's. You need to come home. You're to get on the next flight out of… wherever the hell you are and come home."_

" _What?" I stood up on shaky legs, leaving Sadie and Whosit. Alzheimer's? My mother had Alzheimer's?_

" _You heard me. I'm not repeating myself. There are things I need to do. And you have to be here. I can't…"_

" _Mom?"_

" _Just get here, Meredith, alright?" she snapped. And then the line went dead._

" _Mom?" I rasped, but there was nothing on the other end._

 _The world spun, like I was on a carousel going too fast. I barged back into the bathroom and vomited in the sink. "Sadie?" I asked, but she'd passed out._

 _One-night-stand guy stared at me, then back at Sadie. "Uh…"_

" _I'm gonna take a shower, beat it." I snarked._

 _Sadie was still out when I finished, so I wrote a note in lipstick on the mirror. I grabbed my backpack and rolling suitcase, jamming my stuff in. Before I left the flat, I stared at the half bottle taunting me on the table._

 _What the hell, I thought. It would be a long time before I would be feeling a good buzz. Plus, it would make my headache go away. I grabbed it. Took one final look around and muttered, "Fun while it lasted…" I could've taken a cab, but walking meant I could enjoy my tequila. I stumbled out the door in the twilight of morning._

 _Alzheimer's. How did I miss it? I didn't see it. We'd have entire conversations one day, and the next she'd forgotten everything. She'd accuse me of things I didn't do. She lost things, all the time. I could even recall a few times where she'd gotten lost._

 _How did I completely miss all her symptoms?_

 _The tequila felt good burning down my throat. The world was blurry and deformed and nothing made sense. I laughed. I laughed at the world. Then I screamed at it, and kicked over a garbage can._

 _Alzheimer's. Stupid fucking Alzheimer's. The one chance I had to break free of my mother, free of the weight of her constant disappointment … and she still reeled me back in, a lamb to the slaughter._

 _I sucked down more of the bitter liquid. The taste made me gasp, but it was numbing, and it felt good to be numb. My mother… the talented, legendary, extraordinary Doctor Grey had Alzheimer's. How freaking ironic. I chuckled, wiping my lips. I didn't get it. I didn't understand why the universe had to deal such a gut blow._

 _Of course, during that two-minute phone call, she didn't think to say anything like, I love you. Or… what about, 'I need you. I'm sick Meredith, and I need you…' 'You need to come home,' is what she said, instead of admitting that she actually needed me, her disappointment of a daughter._

 _I finished the last two ounces of tequila and threw the bottle away, finding myself in a park or something. What was that buzzing? Oh. Sadie was calling. I fumbled with the phone. "What?" I snapped._

" _Death? What the hell? You're ditching me?"_

" _My mom's sick. I have to go home." I said, rubbing the bridge of my nose._

" _Your mom's a friggin' legend. I'm sure she could find someone to look after her for awhile," she said._

" _Not that kind of sick," I said._

" _What do you mean?"_

 _I hesitated, then decided she didn't need to know. "It doesn't matter Die, I have to go home."_

" _Really." The disbelief rang in her flat tone._

" _What?" I challenged. It wasn't like I was lying._

" _C'mon what happened to party like there's no tomorrow? Dancing it out? I'm loaded remember? We can go anywhere. Let's go to Italy, you haven't lived until you've spent the night with an Italian…"_

 _I shook my head, "No," I said. I was still swirling, round and round on the carousel._

" _Death, your mom's a bitch. You said it yourself. I know how she treats you, like you're nothing, like you're ordinary. She doesn't care about you. You've told me time and time again, that she forgets you, that her work is more important. That's why we did this, why we came here, to get out from under the thumbs of our parents."_

" _I know," I whispered, collapsing on a bench._

" _So, don't leave."_

 _I stared out at the slowly rising sun over the bridge. Low shadows cast over the old buildings, and the sky had an orange glow._

" _Death?"_

 _I felt sick. Not drunk sick. Or hungover. Just…my mom had Alzheimer's. And I couldn't think of one person, not one, who really truly cared for her. We didn't have any family out there in Boston._

 _She had no one._

 _Except me._

" _I have to go, Sadie." I said._

 _xxx_

" _Mom," I called when I came home. There was no answer. "Mom?" I called again. Thank God I'd been able to pass out on the plane. I dropped my stuff in the foyer and stepped further in._

" _Mother?" I called._

" _In here," she said bruskly from her study. I stepped inside. My mother was seated at her desk, her hair pulled back in a simple bun at the top of her head. "Sit down, Meredith."_

 _I swallowed and sat down, clasping my hands between my thighs. She was writing something down and didn't look at me._

" _I've talked to the accountant, and my lawyer, and we've come up with an arrangement."_

" _Arrangement?"_

" _I've transferred funds into your account. For med school, if you choose, or…whatever you might fancy. Don't waste it. I sent a letter and I called the Dean at Dartmouth, it's a fine school. I should know, I'm an alumnus. He's expecting your application."_

" _Mom?"_

" _The rest of the money is for my care. I have an agent in charge of hiring a nurse should I… need some help with things around the house. And long-term nursing care, when… it gets bad."_

" _Okay, but mom-,"_

" _You can't say anything Meredith. No one can know, do you understand? I had to resign from my work, turn in my medical licence. I am no longer a surgeon, a doctor." She shook her head. "If anyone asks… and they will ask. I'm travelling. Or writing a book, taking time off, you understand?"_

" _Yes," I gulped._

" _Good." She continued to scribble on the paper. The entire time avoiding me._

" _Mom?" I asked, running a finger side to side on the desk._

" _What?" she snapped._

" _Do you think… would I…be a good surgeon?"_

 _She put her pen down and finally looked up at me. I bit my lip, terrified, but hopeful. She'd mentioned medical school, so maybe…_

" _Honestly, with all the crap you did in college, it's a wonder you even graduated. Maybe if you'd asked me when you were a junior in high school… but…" she shook her head, "You don't have the discipline, Meredith. You don't have the tenacity, the fire, to be a surgeon. You have to be quick, merciless. There's no room for error, there's no room for emotions… You don't have what it takes."_

" _But you said I should go to med school…" I felt my throat constrict, my eyes water._

" _There are a thousand careers you can get with a medical degree Meredith, and at least my name will help you. Otherwise, you have nothing."_

" _But I think-,"_

" _I have Alzheimer's!" She thundered. "It's only a matter of time before I completely lose it, so you shouldn't really care what I think! Now go! You're obviously hungover. I just hope you didn't catch some sort of venereal disease while you were over there making a fool of yourself."_

 _Her words ripped me apart. "I-,"_

 _Her angry grey gaze met mine, and I cringed. "Leave Meredith! And be presentable tomorrow for the lawyer, there's some things I need you to sign."_

" _Okay," I whispered, nodding. "Okay."_

 _Later that night, I shuffled down the hallway with a basket of dirty laundry. As I passed the master bedroom, I heard a strange noise. The door was open slightly, and I peered in._

 _My mother was crying._

 _Curled in bed, she sobbed into her pillow. I looked away, like I was privy to something I shouldn't be, and continued to the laundry room. When I came back upstairs, however, I stopped again, hovering in the doorway. She was still crying. I've never seen her like this before. The next thing I knew, I was inside her room._

 _It must be awful. Losing everything she'd become. I walked to the other side of her bed and sat down. She didn't acknowledge me. I huffed, blinking back a tear. Gathering all my courage, I reached for her hand. She hadn't lost everything. She still had me. I could do this. I would do this._

 _I placed my hand over hers and squeezed gently, as if to say, "I'm here."_

 _She didn't say anything, but she squeezed back hard. And I held her hand until she fell asleep._

 _xxx_

 **Now:**

I blinked as I gazed around the study.

"Hmm,"McDreamy said, coming up beside me in his scrubs and labcoat.

"Yeah," I swallowed as I stared at the twisted and diseased neuron in front of me. It looked like a disfigured purple amoeba cell with long twitching tendrils, symptoms of the ravishing from my disease. Its red nucleus eye challenged me with an angry glower.

 _You want to talk about the tumor?_

 _Just admit it, I'm a surgery junkie._

Piles of rotting sticks floated around, the Beta-Amyloid plaques were mocking me.

"You don't have what it takes,"My mother said from behind. She paced the room, sipping from a martini glass.

"Quiet,"Dr. McDreamy snarled.

Ellis ignored him, "You have to be quick, merciless," she said.

"What about…?" I murmured, thinking… "Drugs aren't curative…" I continued.

"They would only delay the inevitable." He wrapped an arm around my waist. "A physical problem requires a physical solution."

"I know," I said, rubbing the bridge of my nose.

 _You were able to do the decompression. But you weren't able to find a plane to dissect._

 _No plane, nothing._

My mother batted away one of the floating clumps of plaques, and stood in front of me, "Are you going to talk to me now?"she asked.

"No," I said, turning away only to face another diseased neuron. I reached out, but my hand touched nothing but air.

"Why not?"My mother persisted, appearing out of thin air in front of me.

"Because,"Dr. McDreamy gritted, "You don't believe in her."He took my elbow and turned me back to the bookshelf. The answer was there… it was…

I pulled a book off the shelf. Where was it? I wrote it down… I wrote it. "Help me Derek," I said, flipping the book open. The answer. The cure. It was here. I wrote it.

He reached for the shelf, but his hand passed right through the books. "I…" he shook his head, flustered. "I can't."

"I told you," Ellis mocked. "You don't have the tenacity, the discipline. You don't have the fire."

I ignored her, pulling another book off the shelf and flipping it open. Dendrites, neurons, neurotransmitters… It had to be here. "I wrote it down," I muttered to myself. "It's here, somewhere," I dropped the answerless book and continued on to the next.

 _It was just… there was no path. Nothing distinct!_

 _Well, why?_

"You've had all this time… and still no cure!" My mother sipped her martini and shook her head. "You are still ordinary! I told you to be extraordinary! I raised you to be more than-,"

"Stop it! Stop-,"McDreamy yelled.

But my mother's words took me away.

Xxx

 **Spring of 1983:**

 **Meredith.**

"My mommy tried to kill herself," I whispered to the lady on the phone.

"Oh, my… what's your name, honey?"

"Meredith," I replied, watching as the red spread out from under my mother's slumped body.

"Okay Meredith, what's your address? We need to send an ambulance."

"63 Harper Lane," I said, before I hung the phone back up.

Red. The floor was red. And my mom… she looked so pale.

"Mom," I kneeled down beside her. "Mommy!" I touched her clammy face and shook her. "Mommy wake up. Please!"

I didn't understand. Just a few days ago, she yelled at me for using a knife to cut an apple for breakfast, and now?

The bloody scalpel lay on the kitchen table. She cut herself. She was bleeding.

I knew what happened when someone bleeded too much. I knew what death was.

She was dying.

I put my hand against her mouth and felt relieved when I felt her breath touch me softly. Minutes before, she'd been awake, alive and talking.

" _Meredith," she said, breathing deeply, as the blood ran down her forearms_. _"I… I failed… I did. I'm sorry."_

" _Mommy?" I stepped toward her, I wanted to help her. She was bleeding._

" _Stay back! Stay back, Meredith."_

" _You're bleeding."_

" _I know. It's okay."_

" _Should I call 911?"_

" _No," she shook her lowered head. "Don't… don't call them…" she sighed._

" _Mommy!" I cried out. What was happening? Was she dying?_

" _Listen… listen Meredith, I failed. But you… you can be extraordinary, Meredith. You can't depend... on anyone. You have to…" She winced, and her head bobbed before she raised her gaze to meet mine. "Be an extraordinary woman, Meredith." She blinked, and I saw tears escape from her closed eyelids. "Promise me… don't call… Meri, don't…" and then she slumped even further onto the floor._

" _Mommy…" I called out, and sat beside her, rocking her shoulder. What did she mean? Extraordinary… what was that?_

xxx

 **Now:**

 _I have an idea._

A memory of being stuck in bed. Anna Karenina. The bed swung around to face the wall.

 _Just watch and learn._

"Now, you've completely lost your mind," I muttered, coughing.

 _I didn't know which vessel connected to the tumor or to the cord…_

The axion I scribbled on the wall stared back at me. Nothing was making sense. I couldn't connect… why was I here again?

 _What I mean is… You didn't cut the cord. You stood in that O.R. for ten hours, you knew the Chief would stop you, anybody else would've, but you didn't._

 _So, there must be a reason why._

"She wants a cure," I muttered to McDreamy.

" _Mm-hmm."_ He hummed.

"But-," The truth fell heavily on my heart. There was no plan. There was no cure. Not exactly. There was just action. There was just the cut.

"Are you willing to take the risk?" Dr. McDreamy stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"Are you?" I asked back.

"There is a way, to do the impossible, to survive the unsurvivable, there's always a way." He kissed me lightly on the lips. "You and I have that in common. We're inspired. We inspire each other."

I took his hand in mine, marveling at the dexterity, the flexibility of the tendons and muscles underneath. "We can do this?"

"We can do this."He smiled back.

"Meredith," my mother looked up from the desk. She seemed older, heavier, weighed down by the world. "I didn't want to die… I didn't," her face screwed up strangely. "But… I gave up. For a moment, for a moment… I thought," she shrugged, "What's the point? If he doesn't love me enough… if he doesn't want to stay with me…" She shook her head. "I failed you Meredith. I gave up on love and happiness. I shut myself out. I shut you out."

"Mom-,"

She picked up the framed photo of Derek and I on Zola's Graduation. "You're beautiful. You are an extraordinary woman. In spite of me. In spite of what I said, all the times… I couldn't…" she handed the photo back to me. "I just… I wanted to be happy, like you. And I…"

"Mom," I started, and reached for her.

…

I brushed the sweat off my forehead. Was that banging I heard? Good God, were Lexie and Jackson at it again? I had to get out of here, when did it get so hot? I turned to the door. I could smell smoke. Something was burning. What was burning? Who left the stove on?

I reached for the doorknob.

"Aaagh!" I screamed, stepping back. My hand! I looked down at red swollen blisters. "Oh," I whimpered. The house was on fire.

I had to get out.

xxx

 **A few minutes before:**

 **Zola**

How could she just do that? Slipping behind the busy firefighters, my mother walked right through the front door and into the burning house. "Mom!" I shouted, "Mom! No!" Instinct took over, and I ran after her.

"Zola!" My father grabbed me, trying to hold me back. "You can't go in there, let the firemen do their jobs!"

"My mom's inside!" I yelled to the men, "She ran in the house! You have to go-,"

 **BANG!** Glass shattered. Hot wind, smoke, and sparks sent me careening backward, and dad lost his grip on me. No… no no no…. "Mom!" I screamed again, and all fear left me as I ran toward the house.

I wouldn't lose her.

I barged in. Shit. The smoke. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see-

But I knew where mom was. There was only one place she would go. The study. I stepped in that direction, but a cracking noise got my attention. I looked up, the ceiling was on fire.

A flaming support beam fell between me and the door to the study, and I couldn't breathe, I couldn't…

"Zo!"

I was pulled away, pulled out. I struggled against my father's strong arms. "The study…" I gasped, "She's in the study."

"The study?" Dad wheezed. Then he got up, and I followed him. He walked around the corner of the front porch to the window.

I picked up an old rake that rested against the side of the porch.

"Zola," he warned, and in the corner of my eye I could see the firemen running toward us.

I couldn't wait for them though. I smashed the window and crawled in.

She was on the floor, gasping. A hand to her chest. Reaching for her, I was pulled away. A big strong fireman with an axe lifted me out of the room, and then turned to get my mother. She struggled at first, and I could feel her fear, but the fireman threw her over his shoulder and climbed back through the window, handing her over to his colleagues.

Quickly, she was shuffled along onto a gurney. Something glittered in her hand. She was holding a picture frame. What?

"Meredith?" Dad cried. Something was wrong. "Meredith?" He leaned over her. The paramedics pulled out the oxygen mask, and began to check her airway. My heart stopped.

"Breathe, Meredith! Breathe!" One of the firefighters said, the one that pulled her out. A paramedic jumped onto the gurney, ready to begin compressions. But suddenly she jerked and gasped, dropping the picture frame onto the sidewalk.

"Derek?" she called. "Der- Derek? Where?" she broke into a fit of coughing.

Dad jumped to her immediately. "Meredith, it's okay, I'm here… I'm here…"

"I was… I…"

"Shh," he whispered, "I'm here. We're okay."

xxx

 **A few hours later:**

"Hey," I said to Julian, "I guess we're staying at my _other_ house.

"Other house?"

"My old house… you remember?"

"Oh, yes." He smiled, then his features softened into concern. "How is your mother?"

"She's going to be fine. Dad's taking her home. We're all going back to the old house now. My aunt and uncle are going to stay in the trailer until they get their own place."

"Hm," he stroked sleeping B.D's head.

"Julian?"

"Yes?"

"You would run into fire for me?"

He didn't hesitate, "yes."

I closed my eyes, imagined the fire, the burning support beam separating me and Julian. Imagined the _feeling._ It wasn't hard to imagine. And I never wanted to feel that way again.

That I might lose him.

The man that loved me.

The man that I loved.

"I love you, Julian." I said.

Even with B.D on his lap, he leaned over, and kissed me high on my cheek. A sweet chaste kiss. His strong arm enveloped me and pulled me closer to him. He sighed.

"I don't want to love anyone but you," I continued. "Marry me?"

"Yes," he whispered into my hair, kissing the top of my head.

xxx

 **Bailey:**

The ride home from the hospital was quiet. We were on the ferryboat, but it was raining, and everyone was tired, so we stayed in the car. Mom was curled up in the backseat of the Lexus with dad, who was holding her so tightly I wondered how she ever slept. I could see in his eyes, though, the swirling emotions.

She'd ran right into the fire.

Why?

"Ow," Ellis moaned, trying to stretch out in the front but not being successful. "There's something…" she leaned down and picked up something off the floor. _"Anatomy of the Brain?_ Huh _."_

Dad shook his head, "She wouldn't let that stupid thing go this morning. She had to take it with her."

"Let me see," I said. Wasn't this mom's old textbook from med school?

"Gladly," Ellis handed me the thick volume.

I opened it up, Curious, I flipped it open to the Alzheimer's section.

I blinked, squinted. What the hell? I turned on the inside light. Every page was covered with copious jagged notes and diagrams. I recognized my mother's writing. A lot of it didn't make sense…

But some of it…

 _Ultrasonic waves._

 _Stem cell injections._

 _Gene therapy._

It wasn't complete, but among my mother's rants about her brain and her disease, were fundamental theories. The framework for a cure.

"Dad…" I mumbled. "Oh, God, dad… you gotta see this."

 **A/N:** Ta da! No, I'm not finished, definitely not for several chapters, okay? So keep checking, or press the checkbox to follow. Please, please review! I need my dopamine fix okay?


	50. You're my Person

**A/N:** Bah life! Bah writer's Block! But yes! I've updated! To the people who inspire me, in thousands of ways. Thank you very much, guys! mandyg67, Patsy, Pat, Ms. Scarlet, Postitdempsey, Guest x2 and pl782. I am so glad to have you all in my corner here! This chapter is dedicated to Hiccup, who is basically my niece and just entered this world eight weeks ago! You are very much loved. the world is yours! Wow!

This chapter is a little different. Prepare for some different viewpoints here, as I fill in some gaps and push us forward at the same time! Also, just to catch you up; the entire Shepherd family has moved back into the dreamhouse, Julian and B.D included. Owen and Amelia are staying at the trailer.

Picking up from where we left off…

 **Enjoy!**

 **That Night.**

 **Rebecca:**

I trudged along in the woods, cursing the darkness, cursing my pager, and my damned curiosity. Why was I doing this for some intern? But he wasn't just any intern. He was Bailey. Bailey was… well, I didn't really know what he was…

 **March 12 2034** _: (After Spring Break)_

 _Hurtling through the hallway with my fifty pound Ethics textbook, I was trying not to be late. I turned the corner sharply and hit something hard. Papers went flying. My textbook thunked, my bookbag slipped down my arm and I fell back, losing my balance._

 _But as I tipped, someone caught me._

" _Sorry, I'm so sorry," the owner of the converse sneakers said. My gaze traveled up khaki pants- "wasn't watching-," green Dartmouth hoodie- "where I was going-," light freckled complexion, and intense grey green eyes capped with flyaway curly blonde locks. I blinked while he steadied me._

" _It's fine," I shook my head. "I'm okay," I blushed and looked down, papers littered the floor. "Oh, let me help you," I bent down and scooped up the papers._

" _Thanks," he blustered._

" _Alzheimer's research, huh?" I asked, noticing the subject._

" _Uh… yeah." He half smiled, but it was insincere._

" _That's demanding. Term paper?"_

" _Uh, ah no, it's… for a friend."_

" _You have a friend with Alzheimer's?" I asked, thinking it was sweet that he was researching to help someone else._

" _His mom…"_

" _Oh. Oh here," I shuffled the papers into a neat stack._

" _Thanks," he shrugged, but there was something about him._

" _I'm Rebecca," I said, handing him the papers._

" _Oh. Uh… Bailey."_

 _Bailey. Wait. "Bailey Shepherd?" As in the son of Shepherd and Grey? Two of the most notable surgeons in the last decade? "Seriously?"_

" _That's me," he nodded, shoving his papers under his arm and handing me my bag. "Um- I should-," he thumbed down the hall._

" _Yeah, class."_

" _Class, yeah. See you."_

" _See ya," I whispered as he breezed past me._

 _Later that night I saw him at the bar. Alone, slouched in his stool, a small pyramid of empty scotch glasses at his side._

" _Tequila," I said to the bartender. "Hey," I said to Bailey, "Come here often?" I smirked._

 _He smirked back. "Cheeeesy," he replied, swallowing a burp. Ok, he was definitely drunk. He blinked at me, "V'we met?"_

 _He didn't remember? "Rebecca. We met in the hall this morning." I knocked back my shot._

" _Oh," he nodded with recognition. Srry, lotinmyhead."_

" _Excuse me?"_

 _He blinked, cleared his throat, straightened up. "I'm sorry, Rebecca. I… uh… Bad day."_

" _Yeah?" I sat beside him and leaned in. There was that stack of papers on the other side of him. "Alzheimer's?"_

"… _Yeah."_

" _Hmm,"_

" _There's nothing new… a decade of research," he shook his head. "Just preventative."_

" _You want to cure Alzheimer's?"_

 _He fiddled with his glass, gazing at me thoughtfully. His eyes were ocean, troubled, mysterious, with seemingly no end to their depth. He glanced down, and I licked my lips._

 _Oh God._

 _His breath was light on my skin, alcohol-pungent, but sweet. We touched. His fingers pressed lightly on my cheek while mine slipped through the curls behind his ear._

" _I want to kiss you." He said softly, as his thumb begged entrance on my bottom lip._

 _I leaned in, and let him._

 **Now:**

The flashlight bounced through the woods till I came up to the dock. "Bailey," I called, seeing his hunched form, "what the hell?" He shivered, staring at the moon that rose in the twilight. Without thought, my warm hand slipped into his cold one. "I got your page. What's going on?"

"Oh," he sniffed.

"Bailey?"

His hand squeezed mine, crushing my fingers together, and I was pulled into him.

He wasn't shivering.

He was crying.

"There might…" his voice broke, "It might… it's possible…"

"What's possible?"

"A cure. For Alzheimer's."

xxx

 **Cory:**

 **September, 2028:**

 _Battery low. Please connect to charger. I sighed and looked up from my phone at the stark waiting room. Waiting rooms sucked. Waiting sucked._

" _You suck!" a high-pitched whiny voice snapped._

" _Ellis!" her mother hissed. "You will not speak like that here!"_

" _Whatever! This place blows! I hate you!"_

" _Fine. Go ahead, hate me. But we're doing this. We have to… I We're doing this."_

" _Ugh. Therapy is for losers, mom."_

 _I raised my brow at the attitude that came from such a little thing. She was tiny, a whirlwind of dark hair with indigo eyes. The girl, Ellis, pulled her hood up over her head and tucked her hands into her sleeves before crossing her arms. She plopped down one seat down from me, and her mother wearily collapsed beside her._

 _Ellis added insult to injury and changed seats, moving to sit across from me instead._

 _Pain flashed across her mother's features, but she wisely said nothing, just slumped further down in her chair and stared painfully ahead, as if every bit of strength had been sapped out of her._

 _I kinda felt bad for her._

 _My gaze drifted back to the defiant girl. She was what? Thirteen?_

" _What're you staring at?" she snarled at me._

" _An annoying pre-teen who doesn't know how to handle her feelings," I snarled back._

" _Shut up. You know dick squat about me."_

" _Whatever, Ellis," I replied, pulling my hand into a fist to examine my fingernails._

" _Ooh, you figured out my name… you're just so smart!"_

 _I shrugged and remained nonchalant. I just liked to press buttons. A side glance at her mother revealed that she seemed not to care about anything we were saying. "What are you in for?" I asked._

" _Nothing, my mom's stupid."_

" _Really? That's all you have to say?" I shook my head, "lame."_

 _She cocked her chin, "What's your story? Tell me yours, I'll tell you mine."_

 _I shrugged, ran a hand through my tinder red locks. "I don't sleep. I keep seeing my dead sister in the morgue, her face half rotted as she sits up and tells me she's allowed to have her own life for once," I snorted, as if it was a joke. But it wasn't. My big sister Rachael raised me. She went to L.A to be with her friends for a week of fun._

 _Then the tsunami hit._

 _Ellis rubbed her hand, leaned forward a little in her chair. "Dad was right beside me… on the boat…" she whispered. "And then… he was gone. I…" she picked at her sleeve. "Mom wasn't there. She was on TV." Her gaze flicked up to her mother for a brief second. "I hate her, I hate her." She muttered, with gritted teeth. "She should have been there, who cares about curing stupid Alzheimer's anyway?"_

 **Now:**

Ellis shifted in my arms and sighed as we lay quietly in her bed. "It's beautiful," she remarked, staring at the ceiling. "It's amazing."

"Yeah," I said, setting the mini-projector in the middle of the bed. "The book is almost done. It just needs your input."

"My input?" Ellis asked.

"Your story, El. It's finished. Your dad came back. You got him back."

"Yeah," Ellis sighed… "it's huge. I can't… I feel like I'm dreaming."

"I know." I slid my finger across the tablet, flipping the page. "These are your pictures, here." I said.

"Really? I don't remember…" she trailed off, "Oh."

"Oh, what?"

"I took that when... God, I was so mad at her."

"Your mom?"

"Yeah, we went camping, for the first time since dad… since the tsunami…" she shook her head.

"You know, if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have met."

"What?"

"Therapy, remember?"

My girlfriend looked confused.

"You don't remember how we met?"

"I thought it was my freshman year in high school."

"No, it was before that. I first met you at Dr. McWater's Office."

Ellis' face flushed, "I met you in therapy?"

"That's when I first saw you, yeah."

"Oh. Sorry… that year was rough, it's all kind of a blur for me."

"I know," I replied, sliding my fingers to interlace between hers. "Me too. But you… I remember. You had on a green hoodie, and you looked so angry. It was cute."

"Cute?"

"You're cute when you're mad."

"You know, this doesn't exactly help if you want to still be my boyfriend."

"Ha. So I take it you're not mad anymore?"

"Mad? At what? The tsunami?"

"No, your mom."

Ellis put the tablet on the nightstand and rolled over, her back to me.

"El?"

"I wish I hadn't been so mad at her then. I hated her. I hated her so much, but when I look back…"

"She did everything she could."

"Yeah, but I didn't see it."

"You were a kid, it's okay. I felt a lot of shitty things when my sister died."

"She's so strong, my mom. I don't know how she raised us without dad."

I thought of my sister, how she took care of me when my mom couldn't. When my dad was a douchebag. "She just loves you so much, she'll do anything for you."

"Yeah."

I pulled her close, resting my chin on her shoulder.

"She's sick, Cory, so sick. And I was mad at her for a long time… because she was trying to do something good."

"Shh,"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

xxx

 **Julian:**

I had been drifting from sleep to wakefulness these last several hours, as morning approached. Zola and my son, B.D had long since fell into deep slumber in the small bed, yet I was still awake.

This was Zola's room. Where my future wife grew up, where she played, dressed, did her homework. Although the room was still full of half unpacked boxes, and it had been empty for nearly a year, I still saw evidence of her here: Notches in the doorframe, purple marker drawings covered by a thin white layer of paint, tape marks where posters of her favorite pop stars had been hung. And on the ceiling, if you looked closely, were faded glow-in-the-dark stars.

I was not sure what happened in Zola's mind that she decided to marry me. I was going to ask anyway, I even had the ring. It was why I came to Seattle in the first place. To seek her out, support her… no matter what. It is what you do, when you love someone.

I sighed, and stroked Zola's hair before getting up to use the bathroom. When I was finished, I debated going back to bed. But, gazing out the window, I could see the sky in the east becoming softer and lighter, indicating sunrise was not too far away. I try never to miss a sunrise, so I padded into the kitchen to make coffee.

While the coffee percolated, I made a space for myself in the living room to soak in the rising light. I dug into the pocket of my sweats and pulled out the ring. I'd bring it to her in bed, I thought. With tea, and breakfast.

 _Just arrived, the text message said._

 _Where are you? I replied._

 _On my way out, by baggage claim._

 _Which one?_

" _Julian?" a voice called. I looked up and around, pulling my hat off my head to wipe the sweat off my brow. "Julian? Over here!"_

 _There was movement in the busy crowd, so I waved back as we moved toward each other, parting the crowd._

 _There she was. Zola Shepherd. This was the first time meeting her in person. I'd chatted with her on the phone before, to help her plan her trip and confirm her practicum, but now, she was here. We had sent pictures of course, but nothing compared to the real thing._

 _She was radiant. And I knew instantly in that moment, that there was no soul like her, or close to her… no one so pure._

" _Hi," she called as she approached. "Oh my God, hi!"_

" _Hello," I greeted her with a smile I could only hope matched hers. "It is good to see you too, you must be hungry, let me get you some breakfast."_

" _Oh, you don't have to, it's fine…"_

 _I shook my head. "It is not fine. You do not refuse a good meal in Africa, Especially the morning meal. Come, come, I will show you, we have a long drive ahead of us."_

 _I took her enormous bag, easily swung it over my shoulder and led the way._

 _From a small street vendor, I picked up our qurs, (breakfast) a simple dish of scrambled egg with spicy kibe, onion and tomato served with pita bread. "Sit, sit…" We found a bench to sit on across the street, and even though the street was filling with people on their morning rush, I felt at ease._

 _Zola looked down at her dish. "Wow, thank you, you didn't have to-,"_

" _Shh, eat it. It is good for you." I ripped a piece of bread off and used it to scoop up the egg mixture. "No forks, just fingers," I smiled at her._

 _She smiled shyly back. "Like this?"_

" _Yes," I winked… "see, even though you are American, you are an African deep down."_

 _She sighed, "I really… I can't believe I'm here!"_

" _Why is that, my friend?"_

" _Nothing… I just… wish my dad could see me."_

" _I am positive that he sees you now. If, at that precipice of your life you have chosen to come here to make the world better, no one could be more proud."_

 _Even through her dark complexion, I could see her blush._

 _Yes, the universe sometimes worked on the side of the good, and I was blessed to have her on my side._

xxx

 **Now:**

I rubbed my cheek and sighed, coffee was almost ready.

"Do I smell coffee?" I heard, and I looked up to see Mrs. Shepherd enter the living room dressed in mismatched plaid pajama's.

"Yes," I smiled, "Would you like some?"

"Mm, coffee," she replied, which I construed as a yes. I poured her a cup and handed it to her. "Thank you."

"You are welcome."

"Who are you?" she asked.

Remembering our last encounter, I simply said, "I'm a friend of Zola's"

"Sleepover huh?" She smiled. "I know, I got one too." She leaned over and whispered, "There's a man in my bed."

"Really?" I asked, amused.

"Yeah, and I don't know what to do. I took a shower, and he was still there. They're not supposed to stay after the shower but…"

"But?"

She shrugged, "He's so sexy. I can't bring myself to kick him out."

"I see," I nodded, sipping my coffee. Zola's mother intrigued me. I had only met her a few times, and each time a new aspect was revealed. First, the driven surgeon, then the caring mother, the wise teacher… and now… college girl?

But she surprised me once again. "You're Zola's boyfriend, aren't you?"

"Yes," I nodded.

"How is she? I mean really. She's so hard to figure sometimes."

"Zola is…" I thumbed the ring in my pocket. "She proposed."

"She proposed? You- and- she-," she ogled, gesturing from me to the hallway.

"Yes." I took the ring out, it was a simple white-gold ring that weaved like a braid. "My mother gave it to me," I said, showing it to her. "I added the diamond."

"It's beautiful." She said, turning the ring over in her fingers. And then she just gaped at me, speechless.

I put my hands over hers. "There is nothing for you to fear. Zola is safe. I love your daughter. She is pure, she is special, and I owe it to you that I met her."

"You love her?"

"Yes."

"You'll keep her safe?

"Every day."

"You won't hurt her?"

"Never on purpose, but sometimes pain is necessary to grow."

She nodded at this, stared at me over her coffee mug. "Zola is… she's…."

"I know," I said.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay you can do the thing, but you'll probably have to speak to her father first."

"Of course." I nodded. Now, the living room began to glow as the first rays of sunlight streaked through the mountains.

We sipped our coffee in silence, staring down at the still sleeping seattle.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"A friend of Zola's."

"Ah. There's a man in my bed. Do you know how I can get rid of him?"

"I do not know. Maybe you don't want to, I heard he's quite sexy."

"That's true, he is."

"Mm-hmm,"

"Sorry, do I know you?"

 **Cristina:**

 _One night, in a smoky bar… when the world turned on me, I found my person. "You're my 'Person,'" I stated, meaning Meredith Grey was the name I scrawled under, "contact person," meaning she was the first person to know about my pregnancy. She became my person._

" _I am?"_

" _Yeah, you are. Whatever." It didn't mean anything, did it?_

" _Whatever."_

' _Person' meant: someone to be there, someone to help you home. After. Over the decades, it became that and so much more. Who knew?_

We'd been standing here for about fifteen minutes, staring at the wreckage of a place I used to call home, even though I didn't exactly live there for very long. But it was that place we all felt safe in. A place anyone could come to.

Now, it'd been damaged. The fire had scorched the kitchen to a crisp, spread along the ceiling and walls to the living room and the stairs. The front windows were shattered, the frames on the outside marred black. Ash and blackened debris filled the foyer.

A large yellow sign marked the home, 'Condemed,' and 'Slated for Demolition.'

She asked me to take her here, and I didn't know why. They'd been allowed in once, to quickly gather what few belongings weren't damaged by fire and water, but it hadn't been much. So why were we here? "Mere?"

"I don't know," she said, wrapping her arms around herself and twisting her torso side to side.

"Do you want to leave?" I asked.

"No."

"Okay," I sighed. The swing was still intact, though it had been moved away from the house. I sat down in it and patted the spot beside me, inviting my Person to sit. "Wanna talk about it?"

Meredith rubbed her thighs and blew out a breath. We didn't have to do the talking thing. We understood each other, that was the crux of our friendship, we got each other. But Alzheimer's changed things.

"I'm losing," Meredith said.

"Losing what?"

"The fight… I'm-I…" she shook her head, sniffed. "I'm losing _me._ "

My hand found hers. To me, she was still Meredith, my best friend, my Person. "How?" I asked.

Meredith planted her feet and pushed back, and I let the swing rock. "It's… I… can't explain…"

I squeezed her hand and met her gaze briefly. _Try,_ I pleaded wordlessly.

"I feel like I'm in a fog," she said. "It used to just be sometimes, but now it happens more. I'll do something, and then… I'll forget what I just did. I'll write something, or talk to someone, but then it's gone."

I nodded and stared at the house. "That's the disease," I said. "You're still you."

"Still me," she sighed and pushed the swing, her watery gaze on the damaged house. Yeah, right."

"Mere-,"

"How many times did you tell me the house burned down?" she asked.

I blinked. "Meredith-,"

" _No_ , tell me," she said fiercely, "how many times?"

This was another Person test. Honesty. I thought back to the car ride. "Three," I said.

 _There're no bathrooms where you're going._

 _That ponytail looks like crap._

"Three times…" Meredith repeated. "Once every five minutes or so." She shook her head. "I don't even… I don't remember it happening. My hippocampus is shot now."

"It doesn't matter. You're Meredith. You've saved hundreds, if not thousands of lives, you're a wonderful wife, an amazing mother… and you're my Person. You're still _you_."

"I don't feel like me." The words hung like heavy weights, even under the lightness of the sun. I squeezed her hand and she rested her head on my shoulder.

 _You realize this constitutes as hugging._

 _Whatever. You're my Person._

 **June 2028:**

 _The gravel road had long turned to mush under the pouring rain. The taxicab lurched up to the paved driveway, a small reprieve from the mud. I stepped out, grabbed my bag and paid the driver. Jogging up the porch steps, I took a deep breath and walked right into the dreamhouse. "Hello?" I called out._

" _Cristina," said Maggie, rising from the couch._

" _Hey, I came as quick as I could," I panted, looking over her shoulder for Meredith._

" _She's in her room," Maggie read my mind, gesturing down the hall. "I'm worried, Mere hasn't talked since she got back…"_

" _I know," the bag slid off my arm, then I shed my jacket, slipping it onto a chair as I walked down the dark hallway to the master bedroom. "Mere," I knocked. "I'm coming in."_

 _The dark comforter covered lump didn't move. "Hey," I crawled in next to her. My arm wrapped around her midsection and I hugged her under the covers. Yes, hugged. Because losing the love of your life in a tsunami called for hugs. She didn't react to my presence, she was dead asleep. Laying there with her, all I could think about was love and loss; life and death; a drowning, gunman, and a plane crash. Mcdreamy. I cursed the universe that yet another thing happened to her._

 _I fluffed the pillow behind me and rested my head, waiting, watching.'Cristina, this is life,' Meredith said once. 'Bad things happen. It's hard. You find your people, you find your person and you lean on them.'_

 _Hours later, in the twilight between sleep and wakefulness, Meredith jerked beside me. Her breath quickened. "Nooo," she moaned low and deep in her throat._

" _Mere," I sat up, calling her name._

" _Derek," she called frantically, "Derek!" Her hand scrunched the bedsheets like she was reaching out to an invisible person._

" _Meredith!" I shook her shoulder._

 _Flailing in bed, she gasped awake. "Wha- where-who?" Her grey confused gaze was far away, beyond me._

" _Hey, it's me… It's okay, you were dreaming." I cupped her chin. "Hey."_

 _She panted and blinked, a thin veil of tears burgeoning in her eyes. "Cristina?" her voice broke when saw me through her nightmare. "Cristina," she blithered. Her fingers pulled and squeezed whatever she could grip. I let her, crushed her body into mine, and ached with her. Finally, her sobs subsided into sniffling, and then long sighs. We parted slowly, my muscles burning from the pressure I'd exerted around her. Rolling onto our backs, we stared at the ceiling._

" _I couldn't find him. I looked," she whispered with a hoarse empty voice. "It was… there were so many bodies… Search and Rescue said it was likely- they said-" she shook her head. "He's gone. Overboard-swept-into-the-undercurrent-drowned gone."_

 _I didn't know what to say, so I stuck to the facts. "But you didn't find a body."_

 _Meredith wiped her nose with the sleeve of her sweatshirt, "no," she choked. "They didn't find a body."_

" _Okay," I said._

" _Okay? It's not okay!" Mere burst. "Derek, he's-, he could be- it's been weeks! I lost him, Cristina! He's gone. He's really gone," she blubbered._

 _Probability wise, Derek was seafood. But it wasn't my job to state facts like a surgery-hungry intern. It was my job to give Meredith what she needed._

' _I need you to pretend I can do this,' she said once, long ago, when it felt like I was losing her to Derek. When I lacked faith in their relationship, in him. 'Even if you don't believe. Because if you abandon me now, I will never make it. And I'll never get my happy ending.'_

 _Blinking back to the moment, I turned to my friend, "There's no body," I said. "That means… that could mean anything Mere, maybe he made it. Maybe he washed up on shore somewhere. Maybe he's trying to find you now."_

" _You think so?" she warbled._

" _He's Mcdreamy," I replied, "If anyone can find his way back to you… it's him." I lacked faith in him, once upon a time. But he'd proved me wrong then. Maybe he would again._

 **Now:**

"You're still you," I said, planting my feet and pushing the swing again. "You are," I reassured. "Know how I know?"

"How?"

"Because even with your freaking Alzheimer's and Derek's disappearing act, you still won't shut up about McDreamy."

"What?"

"Oh, come on…" I rolled my eyes. "Of _course,_ you don't remember," I muttered to myself. _Freaking_ Alzheimer's. "Mere, this morning, he made you pancakes. You gushed about that for like ten minutes on the car ride here."

"I gushed about pancakes?"

"No, you didn't remember the pancakes, you just gushed about _him._ "

"Who?"

"Derek, your husband, love of your life, _Mcdreamy._ "

"I did?"

I turned, propping my head on my palm and gazing at her thoughtfully. "Mere, even when he was gone… You never let him go from your mind. Thinking about him held you together."

"I…" Mere looked down at her hands, clearly still uncertain.

"You're still you," I touched her arm and squeezed.

Down the driveway, a taxicab pulled up to the sidewalk, I paid it no mind as I continued to reassure her. "It's not over. This thing. This fight, whatever it is, we're all in it with you, okay?" I continued, watching the cab. A thin middle-aged woman with long curly hair and an older man with a dark tanned face exited and paid the driver before turning to gaze at the house.

"Is this 63 harper lane?" the woman called out, walking toward us.

"Yes," I said, standing up. Who was she? Some gawker?

"Oh my God," she said, bringing a hand to her mouth. "It burned down."

"Uh, yeah." I replied, glaring with suspicion.

"I don't understand… this is the address Chelsea gave us," she said to her companion, before looking at us. "Did you live here?"

"Sorry, who are you?"

"My name is Lynn Jackson, and this is my friend Mark. We're looking for someone named Chris… we think he used to live here, we're not sure though, because he lost his memory…"

xxx

 **Amelia**

I woke up, and Owen's side of the bed was empty. Except for a little yellow scrap of paper on his pillow. 'Gone into town to bring back breakfast. Back soon.' A little heart before his signed name. I smiled, stretched and pulled myself out of the warm bed. Owen had replaced the heater for the trailer, but it still took time to kick in.

Pouring a steaming cup of coffee, I wrapped my robe around myself as I stared out the window at the house my brother built. For a little while, it had been where we stayed, but really and truthfully, it was Derek's.

Now he was back.

I could see the kitchen and living room light on, and there were signs of life in the house. The Lexus was gone, but Cristina had said she was taking Meredith into town, so I wasn't surprised.

I still couldn't believe it. Derek was alive… he lost his memory, but it came back… he lost his home but was returning to his old one. He lost his family, but he found us again. The world was righting itself, correcting what was wrong.

Except for Meredith. The Alzheimer's thing.

But even with her disease, the love was still there, in both of them. Watching them these last few days… I saw it.

Xxx

 _A week and a half ago:_

" _Okay," I stepped back from the operating table, setting down my tools. "It's done. I'm done." I looked over at Richard, who nodded back, his eyes glistening. The surgery was a blur to me. As soon as the scalpel sliced through the Dura, I was someone else. Derek was someone else. I disassociated. But now- the shape of his skull below me, the hair… He was real and he was back and he was Derek. "I... I…" A woosh of air left me. Had I been holding my breath this entire time? I blinked down at my brother's shaved head. I'd only shaved the area that I planned to operate on… but still… The ET tube and the wires and the-_

" _Amelia…" Richard strode over. I felt woozy but he caught me. "He's okay. You did it. He made it. He's gonna be just fine." Richard pulled me close to him. "Breathe, Amelia… Just breathe…You did it." He guided me to the scrub room, and the mechanical motion of scrubbing out calmed me down._

 _I stopped shaking, "I'll go check on him in recovery, you'll let Meredith know?"_

" _You don't want to come with me?" he asked._

 _I thought about it for a second. For one, I couldn't face lucid Meredith right now, not knowing how she'd react to me operating. And two… "I need to make sure he's okay." Toweling off my hands, I marched to recovery._

 _I checked every stat, listened to his heart, his breath sounds. He woke up for a few seconds, groggy and disoriented, and I removed his ET tube. Dr. Bailey came in too, she sat beside his bed and held his hand, tears in her eyes._

 _I took a moment and stared, taking him in, and thanking whatever power out there that he was back._

 _xxx_

 _It didn't take long for the kids to flock into his room. Ellis walked up to him, held his hand, ran her fingers through his hair and wiped tears from her eyes. Zola checked every IV, line, and lead. Satisfied that everything was set up properly, she pulled the blanket further up his torso. Bailey used his intern powers and accessed Derek's chart, double checking everything. He caught my gaze and nodded, and then his shoulders slumped as he sighed with visible relief, looking more like his father in that moment than he ever did._

 _And Meredith?_

 _She clutched the doorframe, her knuckles white as she held herself up. I could sense her impatience; her desire to just be with him. Suddenly she saw me. Her gaze was unreadable… did she know?_

" _He's…" I started, "The surgery was fine, there were no complications," I rambled._

" _I know," she rasped, her voice hoarse and raw._

 _Did that mean, I know you did the surgery? Or I know he's okay? But I didn't get a chance to figure it out before she wobbled, barely able to hold herself up._

" _Whoa," I stood up and caught her awkwardly. "Mere," I breathed. I pulled her into a seating position beside me on the couch. "Hey…" God, when was the last time she ate? She looked so tired and drained. "Meredith, have you eaten?"_

 _She shook her head, "I can't lose him," she said._

" _When was the last time you slept?" I asked. Please tell me you napped, I thought. Please._

" _I just can't lose him," she said, ignoring me._

 _I've always admired Meredith for her strength, her determination. By sheer will, she'd pushed through the most difficult times of her life. But except for those first shocking days after the tsunami, I'd never seen her like this. Distraught. Lost. Scared. "Hey," I pulled her gaze to face me. "He's my brother. He's the love of your life. He's Derek. He holds us together. And…" I swallowed. "He's in there, okay? He'll make it."_

" _He's Derek," Meredith repeated, her eyes watery._

" _Yes."_

" _He always comes back."_

" _Always."_

 _She nodded but didn't seem to accept this. "Meredith?"_

" _I have Alzheimer's, what if I fall asleep and he's back but I'm gone?"_

" _Meredith…" I shook my head._

" _Promise me something, Amy."_

" _Yeah," I nodded. Anything. Anything I could do._

 _She told me. And I promised._

 _I made her eat a granola bar and drink a glass of water before she pushed her way through her kids and collapsed beside her husband on the bed._

 **Fifteen Years ago:**

" _Amy," I heard as I hustled to my office. "Amy!"_

 _I stopped and half turned. "Derek," I raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in L.A doing a lecture…"_

" _I'm on my way there now, actually, but I need to talk to you."_

" _Talk to me? About what?"_

" _Meredith."_

 _I knew where this was going now. He took my elbow and pulled me along at his pace._

" _Let go." I pulled my arm away._

 _He stopped and tilted his head, "Amy…"_

" _Fine," I sighed but kept up the pace, "Make it quick, I have a surgery I need to prepare for." I bustled past him to my office and yanked the door open. "I'm not getting in the middle of this, Derek. Meredith is a grown woman, a proven doctor and perfectly capable of handling a neuro fellowship. I don't know what your problem is." I turned to face him, leaning against the desk_

" _Did you even ask her why?" He asked, his serious face on._

" _No," I responded, "I don't need to, Derek, I've worked with her, I know her.,"_

 _He huffed and crossed his arms. "Yeah," he muttered._

 _I huffed too. In exasperation at my big brother._

 _Derek frowned and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He looked especially broody without the white lab coat on, the darkness of his sweater matching the darkness of his expression. He paced. Walked to my desk and picked up a model of the brain, holding it with his fingertips splayed like he was holding up the world._

" _Derek?"_

" _Why did you become a doctor Amy?"_

" _I…" I trailed off, wasn't it kind of obvious? My big brother, my idol, was a neurosurgeon. Of course, I had to be one too._

" _Because of me?" Derek surmised._

" _Mostly," I replied. "And the saving lives thing… that too. And the rush… and…"_

" _And?"_

 _I shrugged. Did it have to be narrowed down?_

" _It's a privilege, what we do," Derek started as he carefully began to form his argument. "People put their lives in our hands. Their hopes… their ambitions… Neurosurgery is different." He put the model down gently. "It's delicate, minute work. Make a mistake…" he shook his head, "It's permanent. It's devastating. One tenth of a millimeter…"_

 _There was no need to complete the sentence. We knew what it meant. Gorked. Brain dead. Brain surgery wasn't general surgery. In general surgery, if you made a mistake on a liver or a kidney or a colon, nine times out of ten you could fix it… but screwing up a brain? No fixing it. "What are you saying, Derek?" Or what wasn't he saying?_

" _She wants to be extraordinary. She…" he trailed off, running his hand through his hair._

" _She what, Derek?"_

" _She wants to cure Alzheimer's."_

" _I know," I nodded. We'd discussed it many times, it wasn't a secret at Grey-Sloan._

" _I'm worried."_

" _Why?" I asked. "Isn't this what you wanted? I mean, we know she has some of the gene markers…"_

" _We tried this before, and-," he choked, shaking his head. "Meredith, she-," he bit off. "She's so dammed reckless sometimes!"_

" _Derek-,"_

" _I worry, all the time. When she loses her keys, when she forgets things… I've been preparing myself for the eventuality, but…"_

" _Derek, stop. Just stop."_

" _What if we run out of time? What if we fail? What if we make this too personal? What if I do something? Or she does something? Wh- what if-,"_

" _-DEREK." I hollered. "STOP."_

 _He stopped, like he'd been slapped. His lip trembled, he blinked back a tear, ran quivering fingers through his hair._

' _I don't know who I am anymore,' I remembered him saying to me once, long ago._

' _I know,' I'd replied. 'we call that rock bottom.'_

" _I'm not stopping this," I continued. "It's time for your wife to shine, you know that."_

" _I know… I know."_

" _You're just…" I shrugged, "scared."_

" _Scared? That my wife won't find a cure for Alzheimer's?" he chuckled nervously._

" _No," I shook my head as the revelation hit me, "That she will."_

xxx

 **Now:**

I looked up from my coffee, blinking… I had this feeling. My gaze registered movement through the window. Owen? No… The door to the trailer burst open. Derek stood there, panting… shocked, like he didn't quite understand what he was doing here to begin with. "Amelia," he shivered. "I need your help," he said as he dropped the huge volume of Anatomy of the Brain onto the kitchen table.

"Derek?"

"I've been up all night, going over this," he wiped his brow. "And this morning- it- I-,"

"Derek, what are you talking about?"

"A cure, Amy. Meredith did it."

 **A/N: Dun dun dun!** Alright! Hang on to your knickers people! And thanks so much for your patience, I love you all! **Please Review!**


	51. Someone Good, to Keep You Going

**A/N:** Thank you my beloved fans! Mandyg67, Patsy, Hasi2012, the many guests who commented, MerDerFan07, and dustoftheuniverse… as well as the countless people who've faved, followed, and viewed this story… It's been two and a half years since I first published, and I can't really believe I'm still writing…

You all keep me going!

 **Enjoy! *Note M Rating at end of this Chap!***

 _We've all hit that point of exhaustion, the point where nothing makes sense anymore. Your body hurts, your brain becomes foggy and you feel like you're trapped in a tunnel. When all you want is your bed. So… how do you keep going? How do you not just sit down and give up? Sometimes it's easy, sometimes you play games in your head. You make up someone. Someone good. Whatever you need, to keep you going._

 **Meredith**

"Hey," he said, smiling at me. His jet black hair stuck out from under his ferry boat scrub cap and curled around his ears while he leaned over the railing. Even in his blue scrubs, he still looked sexy.

I half turned to him, unable to stop the smile on my face. "Hi," I said. The cool wind seeped through my sweater, and I wrapped my arms a little tighter to hold in the heat. If he would just come a little closer…

"Classic Seattle weather," he commented, looking up at the cinereal sky.

"Yeah," I followed his gaze to the dappled ashen clouds above that seemed to enjoy spitting rain oh so lightly on our noses, hair, and cheeks.

"We should do this more often, ride the ferryboats, I mean," he said, and his eyes glimmered, with… a certain something that left me wanting and my body rushing with excitement.

Another smile quirked my lips, "What's your deal with ferryboats anyway?" I asked him, fiddling with my fingertips.

But then he was closer. I felt his breath on my cheeks, the warmth of his fingertips as they slid along my temple. His presence beside me was the sun, fire, life. I closed my eyes.

"-How did they meet?"

I blinked slowly to regard the speaker. A younger woman, slim, with long curly hair was speaking to my friend What's-Her-Face. Where did he go? I thought. Scrubcap man was right here…

But my attention was now on What's-her-face and Whose-it. A few feet away from them, my hands on the wet rails of the ferry, I eavesdropped on the conversation.

"They met here, in Seattle. She was an intern, he was her boss. Our boss." My friend said.

 _You're my boss._

 _No, I'm your boss' boss._

 _You're my teacher and my teacher's teacher. And my teacher!_

 _I'm your sister, I'm your daughter…_

Scrubcap man leaned in beside me and held my hand, watching the gulls glide beside the ferry.

He was back. Where had he gone?

"You're Meredith's friend?" asked Whose-It.

"Mere? Yeah, she's… my person… she's… Meredith is…" What's-Her-Face sighed and trailed off.

She was talking about me. I recognized my name in the conversation. What was she going to say?

"Mere… she's a pearl, you know? Like she's got this shell. She's been through so much. But if she opens up to you, if she chooses you," my familiar silver haired friend, my _person,_ shook her head, "I can't really…" she smiled, though. "You get something priceless."

A man approached, he was short and wiry with a tanned face. He handed Whose-It a cup of something. "Thanks, Mark," she said, accepting it.

"So, your friend, Meredith, she's got Alzheimer's?" Mark asked.

Alzheimer's? I scoffed. Scrubcap man kissed my forehead, but I ignored him. I didn't need sympathy.

My person narrowed her eyes at Mark.

He shrugged, "I noticed some of the signs… my mom…" he shrugged. He glanced at me, then looked away. "Sorry," he said.

"Sorry? About what?" Iinterrupted.

"It must be hard, is all," Mark said.

I shook my head. What were they talking about? I didn't have that Alls-thingy. "I don't have Alz- Alts- whatever." I blurted. I mean… I don't, right? I thought nervously as I looked back up at Scrubcap man. "I don't, do I?"

"Hmm," he said, rubbing my back.

"Not helping," I growled, glaring out at the water.

xxx

The water was gone, we were in a car driving along a twisty road. "Where are we going?" I asked.

"Home," Cristina answered like she'd answered the question a hundred times before.

"But… I _was_ home," I said, staring out the window at the trees and greenery that passed us. This wasn't the way home… home was… in the city, back there… home was where?

"Your new home, Mere, the dream house."

 _Dream house._

 _It's a classic Victorian design with an open floor plan._

 _If you don't like, you can tell me. It's your house too._

"I _know_ that. You don't have to be so snarky about it," I said. A vague picture of a large woodsy, spacious home came to mind. _The tub deep enough to cover my knees and my boobs._

Cristina remained silent as she drove. I shifted in my seat, feeling the quiet tension between us. I didn't know if I could fix it. I didn't even know where it came from. So, I stared out the window, tracing the light reflection of the woman staring back at me.

"Derek's sure going to be surprised when he sees who we brought," Cristina said finally.

"Who we brought?" I asked. She nodded to the back and I craned to look in the backseat.

"The strays." Cristina introduced.

"Oh," I said, regarding the strangers in the back. A slim woman with long curly brown hair, and a smaller man with a very tanned and lined face. Where did they come from? Who were they? "Hitchhikers?"

Her lips curved slightly, "Yeah, hitchhikers."

 **Derek**

I scrubbed my face, staring at the papers we had spread all over the study. It looked like a bomb went off in here.

We'd dug up a large whiteboard I used to use for teaching. Bailey had set up the projector to his tablet. Rebecca was curled up beside him with Meredith's book. Somehow, the four of us had managed to parse through Meredith's notes in her brain book, as well as use Bailey's extensive knowledge, and Rebecca's research skills. With Amy's help on new surgical techniques and a lot of talk, we'd come up with a hell of a plan.

"Okay," Amy said, holding up her marker. "The treatment for Alzheimer's is two-fold:" She drew a brain with a bunch of black spots on it, amyloid plaques and tangles. "One thing Meredith figured out was the use of ultrasonic waves."

"Right," I replied. "Because one of the difficulties with Alzheimer's medication is that it doesn't always break the blood brain barrier." The blood brain barrier, or BBB as it is called, is the body's way of protecting the blood flow to the brain from harmful toxins. This often meant that the effect of the medication administered orally, or even through IV, was repelled from attaching to the receptors that would accept it. I drew a line inside the margins of the brain. "Ultra sonic waves, however, have been proven to stimulate the neurons and neuro-receptors in the brain, causing this to open the BBB up."

"And once it's open…" Rebecca trailed off, pointing her pen at the book, "The medication will work?"

"Yeah," Bailey answered.

"But it's more than that," I added. "In a normal brain, the body's natural antibodies eat up the excess beta-amyloid, so it doesn't clump up. So, with the BBB more receptive, we can inject specialized antibodies directly into the brain that can begin to target the plaques."

"That's right," Amy drew little stickmen attacking the black marks.

"Once we've cleared these out…" I picked up an eraser and erased the antibodies and the plaques, leaving an empty brain shape.

"Then we can inject stem cells!" Bailey said.

"Er- sort of," said Amy. "We'd use the patient's own, gene-edited cells, _and_ new stem cells to help stimulate the growth of neurons in the brain." A bunch of arrows were drawn all around the brain. She drew new squiggles inside, representing new connections.

"And… hopefully, this will keep the disease out, and leave whatever is left, still intact." I added.

"So… A cure?" Rebecca asked hesitantly.

I couldn't definitively say so. But it was a powerful hypothesis. And… the thing was, according to the data Bailey found, most of these therapies had already been tried on humans. Just not for Alzheimer's. It was the combination of all these therapies together "It's… the closest thing to a cure we can find." I managed, staring at the childish diagram.

The question was, were we too late?

xxx

"Hey," Amy met me on the deck, handing me a mug of black coffee.

"Thanks," I said, cupping the warm red-colored mug. "Cristina texted, she's on her way. Apparently, she's bringing some friends over?" I said.

"Who? Karev?" she asked, stepping up beside me to gaze at the late-morning sky.

I shrugged, "She didn't say."

"Mm," Amy took a sip, staring at the bright sky. "Well, the rain's gone, at least."

"Yeah." We stood there together, taking in the clear blue, brilliant day. The sun had pushed away earlier gray clouds and revealed brilliant blue. The glow of the day cast the usual forest green with a new bright tropical hue. Everything was brighter, fresher, cleaner.

"Derek? Did we just do what I think we did?"

Provide a breakthrough treatment for one of the most devasting diseases in the world? I sipped my coffee, the dark, rich flavor waking me. "Hmm," I sighed, "we did. And Meredith did."

"She did," my sister agreed. "I'm so glad you're back," her voice broke, "We missed you so much… you don't even… you-,"

I didn't wait for her to finish, I just crushed her to me. I knew. "I'm home… Amy, I'm here." I said into her ear.

"Right," she huffed and pulled apart. "Well, I have a lot of work to do, finalizing all this stuff. I have to call the FDA, email half of my professional contacts, and… yeah."

"I just…" I started.

"What?" Amy tucked a hand into her pocket and leaned forward

I shook my head. "Meredith… _she_ amazes me. How did she figure this out?" That book, Anatomy of the Brain. What she'd written in the margins… what she'd scribbled over diagrams, what we'd managed to scrabble together from bits and pieces of her sentences… It had been enough. Enough to formulate a theoretical plan. And she didn't even know it.

Meredith didn't even remember.

My sister drew in a breath, "For one, she never gave up. On you. On her research. On herself. Even when it seemed like she wasn't all here, she kept trying in her own way."

"And two?" I asked.

"You," Amy answered softly, raising her eyebrows.

"Me?"

"I don't exactly know how…" she said, "But, she just kept _fighting._ To remember you, to keep you alive in her heart, all the time. And somehow, keeping you alive in her head like that kept her going. She didn't want to be so gone that she'd never remember you or her kids."

I tucked my hands into my pockets. "Hm," I said. If there was one thing I knew about my wife, it was that she never gave up.

Amy touched my shoulder and nodded with me before exiting through the patio doors.

Alone now, I stood with my coffee, basking in the sun. It was a beautiful day to cure Alzheimer's.

I just wanted her home, right now.

 _And I want more. Of this… of us, of…_

 _I want to have more. Let's have more._

The door slammed, "I turn my back for just one second-" Cristina hollered. "Where did she go?"

"What do you mean? You _lost_ her?" I yelled.

"I parked on the driveway. She got out of the car and started to walk to the house. I got out to help unload your friend's luggage-,"

"Friends? Luggage? Cristina, who the hell did you bring here?" We didn't need more people, more distractions… more confusion.

Cristina glowered at me. " _Your_ Canadian buddies… Lynn and Mark."

"What?" I spun around, running a hand through my hair. Lynn and Mark? How did they find me? They must have contacted Chelsey… but… why were they here? Was something wrong? "Where are they?" I glanced behind her.

"They went to look for Mere, of course, which is what we should be doing if you'd stop yelling at me for half a second!"

I gaped. I'd forgotten how tough Cristina was. "You're right…" I sighed, resting my hands on my hips. There wasn't time to waste. "Go check the trailer, if she's not there, come back here and get the kids, they're all around here somewhere. I'm going to look by the lake."

Cristina nodded. "Fine. Okay. I'll call you if I find her."

"Mm-hmm," I hummed, grabbing my windbreaker.

I set off briskly along the path. She couldn't have gone far. "Meredith?" I called, "Meredith!" I had to find her this time.

"Chris? I mean, Derek?"

I stopped in my tracks and looked up. Approaching me down the path was a face I didn't know I missed. "Lynn," I sighed, tilting my head toward her.

"Derek," she said again. "God it feels so weird calling you that. Hi… we um, hadn't heard from you. We were worried. You didn't answer your phone," she shrugged, stepping closer. "I just had to know if you were okay."

I nodded. "I'm okay." I smiled. "You were right, in so many ways… I owe you."

"It's alright, I'm glad," she smiled back. Then her demeaner turned more businesslike. "Which way do you think your wife went?

"I don't know. Could be anywhere." The woods were deceptively large.

"Okay, well, let's search together. Four eyes are better than two."

We walked for a few minutes in silence, except for occasional shout for Meredith.

"Tell me about her," Lynn said abruptly.

"It's a long story," I said, not really wanting to get into it. I just wanted to find Meredith. Make sure she was safe.

"I know… just… she wasn't all there when I met her. The Alzheimer's… I just want to know what she's like. What made you fall in love with her, why you married her."

I raised my brows "That's practically a book you know."

"Indulge me, just the bullet points."

"Okay then…"

 **2005**

" _A lot of secret phone calls today," I said, notating Richard's chart after his brain surgery._

 _Meredith snapped the phone shut. "Yeah," she nearly whispered. "It's my mother." Her What had Meredith and her mother been discussing?_

 _Continuing post-op instructions I waited for some kind of gripe or complaint. I had four sisters. I knew how these conversations went. Ellis Grey was a surgical legend, no doubt she was pressuring Meredith._

 _Wasn't she traveling or writing a book?_

" _She isn't traveling, she isn't writing a book," Meredith answered my unasked question._

 _Was she coming here then? I wondered. What was the problem?_

" _She isn't anything." My girlfriend's voice broke slightly. "I've been lying to everyone."_

 _What? I nearly dropped my pen, my full attention now on my girlfriend. Surely there had to be a good reason for this. "Why?"_

 _Meredith stared away from me. "She has Alzheimer's," she squeaked out painfully. In that instant, my heart ached with the same kind of pain etched on her face. Alzheimer's? That was a cruel disease._

" _How advanced?" I asked softly. Maybe it wasn't too bad. Maybe there was still time._

" _Very. She's in a home, and I'm the only one who knows she's sick." Meredith swallowed, "I just don't know what to do anymore, you know?" She let out a breath she'd been holding in, and her shoulders slumped with the weight of the world._

 _The world around me faded away in that instant and telescoped on Meredith. Suddenly, she was more than my girlfriend or my intern. Meredith chose just now to trust me with her mother's secret. Despite her independent spirit and fortitude, despite all the other people around her, she made a clear decision to tell me this._

 _Oh, Meredith. I thought as I pushed her wayward bangs aside. I love you._

 _I wanted to say it. I wanted so badly to blurt those three words out, but all that came out was, "Hmm." I'd been lying too. I was married. Granted, Addison was far, far away right now… but… It wasn't fair to her._

 _I had to tell her. I couldn't have guilt on my conscience._

 _Dinner tonight. Rules. I'll tell her about Addison. I'll call my lawyer. Meredith might hate me, but I'll tell her…_

 _I love you._

 **Now:**

"Meredith," I said to Lynn, "I fell in love with her on the first night we met. I just… didn't realize it. All I knew was that I needed her. Before I met her, life was ordinary. I was ordinary, and I didn't even know it.

"Suddenly, there's this funny, vibrant, sexy woman who challenges me on every level. Suddenly I'm not boring. My life isn't the same old routine with the same old people who do the same old things. Suddenly, I'm standing over a brain with a scalpel in my hand, and all I can think about is her lips. Her lips on mine." We stopped in a small clearing. The one where Meredith built her house of candles.

"Wow," Lynn whispered.

"Yeah."

"It wasn't just a fling," she smiled, tucking her hands into her pockets.

"No," I agreed. "Meredith… she…" I drifted back, in time, in memory…

 **2005**

" _Well what was I to you?" she asked, staring back with hurting, defiant eyes. "Someone you screw to get over being screwed?"_

 _You're the love of my life. I thought. I love you. But… if I said those words now…_

" _You were like coming up for air," I said. "Like I was drowning, and you saved me." Meredith was my air._

 _She shook her head, frowned. "It's not enough."_

" _I love you," I told her sometime later, in the aftermath of cheap beer, a baseball bat and an engagement ring resting in dew-covered grass._

 _In the aftermath of failure. Of losing and wanting to quit._

 _In the aftermath of running, she came looking for me._

" _I know," Meredith replied._

 _I just… I still needed her. I needed her to love me. I needed to know it would be okay. "Would you still love me if I wasn't a surgeon?" I asked, because… if I wasn't, and I didn't have her…_

 _What would be the point?_

 _Meredith's gaze was steady and unblinking as she regarded me in my unkempt state. I swallowed. What did I expect exactly? I shoved all her issues back in her face and rubbed them in like salt on a wound. I tossed her love into the woods with a crack of a baseball bat._

" _No," she said with a blink._

 _The word struck me like a slap in the face and I flinched. That was it then. But this time there would be nobody to blame but me. I lowered my gaze and frowned, my heart sinking with every beat._

 _Failed. Again._

" _No," she repeated, stepping closer to me. She sidled next to me on the deck, resting her bag behind me. "Because Izzie… has skin cancer that spread to her brain. And you're one of about twenty people in the world who can save her. And I don't know if I could respect somebody who could walk away from a gift like that."_

 _Stricken, I brought my gaze back up to meet hers. Stevens had cancer. Izzie. Meredith's roommate, colleague, friend, was sick. Sick enough to need brain surgery. To need me._

" _So please don't." Meredith continued._

 _Jen's botched surgery still flashed through my mind. I was a murderer. How could I go back to the OR? And if I couldn't go back to the OR, how would I get back into Meredith's arms?_

" _So here are her scans…" The large envelope rustled in her hands. "It's pretty bad," Meredith rasped, tears threatening to coat the rest of her corneas, facial muscles twitching into a frown as she swallowed._

 _Izzie had cancer. Meredith needed me to be extraordinary._

 _I loved Meredith. But…_

 _I stared at her. Rent. Wrecked. Stuck between a rock and a hard place._

 _Meredith stared back, her expression equally complex. She loved me. I knew she did. I could see it there…_

 _If I quit, would her love really be gone? Like the ring I thoughtlessly smacked into the grass?_

 _I didn't… I couldn't…_

 _For me, there was no future without her in it._

 _If I walked away from surgery…_

 _Would she walk away from me?_

 _Despairing, I held back my own frown. Meredith sighed, and, for a fraction of a second, she glanced at my lips and leaned forward, as if to kiss me. Then she pulled back. Pressing her lips together, she picked up her bag and stood up. Slowly, she made her way to her jeep, leaving me alone with Izzie's scans._

 _._

 _My heart pounded, I felt out of breath. Everything… I could lose it all with just one cut. "I'm not ready," I told her out in the hall, clutching my ferry boat scrubcap._

" _Yes, you are," Meredith's gaze was determined._

" _No matter what happens in there, I need to know that at least I have you. I need you to say yes. I need to know," I spilled. She was everything, and I couldn't lose her. I never felt so desperate in my life. If I failed-_

" _I can't say yes," Meredith replied. "Not if agreeing to be with you forever will make it okay if Izzie dies. I can't say yes," she insisted, and it felt like my heart was falling into the abyss. But, "I love you," she said, "You can do this," she added resolutely. "You can do this, I know you can." And then she turned and left me standing alone with my doubts and fear._

 _I looked down at the scrubcap, folding and unfolding it in my hands. This was it. It was no longer a matter of whether I could or not._

 _I had to. I must._

 _I walked back to the scrub room and replaced my trout scrubcap with my ferry boat one. My foot hit the pedal to pump the water out, and I ran my damp hands back under the water and lathered it with soap. With each stroke of the rough brush on my fingers, I tried to wash away my doubts. Tried to be the man Meredith wanted me to be. Tried to be the surgeon I was two years ago when I barged into Seattle with nothing but reputation and ego. The surgeon who solved the medical mystery of Katie Bryce. The surgeon who ran a successful clinical trial, the surgeon who made a man walk. The man who chased after the love of his life._

 _And with those thoughts in mind, I lifted my hands from the sink, shaking off the water and entered the OR._

" _It's a beautiful night to save lives," I said. It was time I faced my fear. It was time to move forward._

"She believed in me," I told Lynn, "When I didn't believe in myself. She pushed me. She didn't comfort me or coddle me, she just… pushed me to become more… become better. It's what we do for each other. We make each other extraordinary."

"That's amazing," Lynn said.

"Yeah," I breathed, stopping to look around. "Meredith! Mere!" I called out. Lynn joined me as we walked briskly along the lake. She couldn't have gone far.

xxx

 **Meredith:**

"So…"Scrubcap man walked beside me as I trotted down the path. "This is where you live?"

I stopped and looked down the path. It was familiar… but was I supposed to turn here? "My house… it's right- it was…"

It's not here.

 _I was gonna tell you that this here, is our kitchen. And this is our living room. And that's the room where our kids could play._

 _I had this thing, 'I was gonna build us a house.' But I don't build houses. I'm a surgeon._

 _And now I'm here, feeling like a lame-ass loser._

"I…" It _was_ right here. But here was an empty field, surrounded by trees. Where was the house?

"Here?" he walked into the field.

But, maybe… I pivoted. Was it that way? "It's here somewhere," I muttered, and stepped off the path.

 **Years ago:**

 _Derek slept soundly beside me, his casted hand propped up on a pillow. I closed my eyes, exhaled…_

 _Sparks of light flashed. Arizona screamed. "_

 _Keep it together!" Cristina yelled in my face._

 _Mark gasped and clutched his chest before collapsing to the ground._

 _Lexie banged the side of the plane and choked up blood._

" _Derek? Derek!" I called out, but the whole forest was black and I couldn't see him. I lit a match and stared into the woods. "Derek! Please!" But the wind blew the light out. "No! no, no no! Derek!"_

" _Derek's dead," A broken Lexie said. "And you're too late to save me…"_

" _Meredith! Meredith!" the ground was shaking, I blinked but I couldn't see anything._

" _Derek!" I shrieked in the darkness. Where was he?_

" _Meredith! Wake up! You're dreaming!" Derek's voice cut through the forest, like it was coming from the sky… or… I blinked, light flooded my vision…_

 _Derek's concerned face loomed over me. "Hey," his fingers ran through my hair, and he cupped my cheek with his good hand. "It's all right. It was a nightmare. You're okay. We're okay."_

 _I wasn't in the woods. I was home._

" _Oh," I panted, leaning into him for heat. "It was so dark… and cold," I shivered._

" _Shh," he said, kissing me. "Come here, I'll warm you up."_

 _I turned, and we lay on our sides, facing each other. He kissed me again, and I met his lips with mine before he could pull away. I slipped my hand under his t-shirt to feel his warm chest._

 _Everybody leaves… everybody dies…_

 _I kissed him harder. I needed him. I trailed kisses down his neck, to his trapezius, where I lingered, as my left hand rested on his inner thigh and stroked._

" _Meredith," Derek panted as I tugged at his shirt._

" _I need you," I said. I needed him to take me away from this. Make the nightmares stop. Make the cold go away. Keep Lexie's cold dead eyes from staring at me. I almost… I almost lost him in the woods._

 _His gaze was stormy and full of passion. He swallowed thickly before taking off his shirt. Then he slipped off mine. "I need you too," he said._

 _I lost so much in this life, but I hadn't lost him. We were still alive, surviving in this insane universe. And we were still together. So we lingered in each other's space and pressed close, skin on skin, breathing with each other, for each other._

 _We lingered in love, in loving, in lavishing. I drew Derek inside me, and he took me, and I became lost again… in him. Which was the only place I wanted to be._

xxx

"Derek?" I called out along the lake. "Derek? Derek!" Where had he gone? He was right there…

 _Cristina, I think Derek is dead. He would've come for us, he definitely would've come for us by now. I think he's dead. And Lexie's dead! My husband and my sister are both dead! And we are going to die out here too!_

The wind rustled the leaves, and the sky darkened. Was it me or was it getting colder? Where was he? Panic flooded, and my heartbeat sped up. "Derek? Derek!"

 _I can live without you. But I don't want to. I don't ever want to._

Where was he? I had to find him. I had to tell him I loved him. I needed him.

 _I think when you have someone in your life you really love, I just… I don't know … I'm really happy._

 _What happened to you?_

Without him, I was…

 _I'm not gonna be that woman. The one who breaks up a marriage or begs you to want me._

Without Derek, I was lost.

 _I lied. I'm not 'out' of this relationship. I'm in. I'm so in, because here I am, begging-_

"Meredith!"

 _You say Meredith and I yell, remember?_

"Meredith?"

I heard him.

 _I heard your voice, I thought I was dreaming._

From out of the woods, I saw him. "Derek," I breathed. "Oh, thank God."

"Jeez," he said as he approached. "You can't do that, Mere, you can't just-,"

"-I'm sorry," I responded. "I was… just… I got lost." Unable to help it, I ran to him.

His strong arms surrounded me. He pulled me into him and squeezed. "Meredith," he breathed over my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… I went to find the house, and then I lost you and then…" Fog. White space. Blurs. My mind pulled up blank. "I don't know!"

"Mm-mmm" he hummed as I cried. "It's okay. We're okay," he rubbed my back gently.

I felt like I had no control over myself. Stuff burbled up. I couldn't stop everything I'd tried to keep in. Old and new. The old memories were just as fresh as the new ones, and they trampled over me all at once. Loss, abandonment, and just plain fear captured my mind and squeezed my heart. "DerekIcan'tloseyouIloveyoupleasedon'tleaveme…" I sobbed again into his chest. "Everybody leaves… or dies… or-or-or…."

"Shhh."

"You were gone! I lost you and you were gone, and then…" Then I was gone. "I got sick. And I'm so scared I'll forget you-,"

"Mere, look at me!" He forced my chin up as I sniveled and sobbed. "I'm right here," he said. "I found you. I found you Meredith, and I'm not leaving you."

"You're not?"

He gave me that look. His look. IloveyouandIneedyouandyou'reeverything. His heavy gaze rested on my lips a second before his mouth crashed into mine, and he kissed me deeply, his tongue pushing through my barriers and painting the roof of my mouth. All-consuming, pure passion. Like I was drowning and he saved me. Pulling away to catch his breath, he brushed my bangs out of my eyes. Panting too, I traced his swollen lips with my fingers. "Let's go home," he said, kissing them.

xxx

 **Derek**

I took her hand in mine and led her back to the path. "I found her," I told Lynn when she met up with me a few yards down.

"Oh, good!" she exclaimed as she walked with us.

Meredith clung to me in a daze, her hand squeezed mine as I dragged her from the path to the house. It struck me then, at that moment, that what Meredith experienced had been absolutely real to her. It really _was_ like I'd been lost, or that I'd died. For a few minutes, Meredith had actually believed that I was truly gone forever from her life. I pulled her hand up closer and squeezed it.

"Everything okay?" Amy and Cristina met me at the door to the house.

"Yeah," I said, meeting Meredith's lips for another kiss. "We're good. Call off the search party."

"Thank God," Cristina said, reaching for her phone.

"Derek," Amy said, "I have some news-,"

"Later," I said. "I need to be with my wife." Or rather, she needed me.

"What about-,"

"I don't care," I said, and Meredith giggled. Why I don't know. "Order pizza, put on a movie…" I trailed off as I pushed past them to get inside.

I needed to be with my wife.

Meredith giggled again as I pulled her down the hall, into our room and closed the door. I missed it so much, her giggle.

I turned to face her.

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hi," I replied. "I love you."

Her eyes watered, "I love you too."

"You scared me. You can't run away like that. I just found you again." I reached over to take her hands in mine.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking down.

"Shh," I stepped closer, "Just kiss me." Kiss me, and let me take you away, I thought. Her lips brushed mine, for a second, soft and velvet. Then her hands cupped my cheeks and she pulled me in, attacking me with fierce passion. I couldn't think straight as she plundered and pillaged and demanded. "Meredith," I murmured when we finally breathed.

Her pupils dilated, she panted as her hands ran down to my shoulders to shed my jacket off. I did the same, pivoting with her as I moved us to the bed. Soft, slim fingers rubbed against my sternum and then under my shirt to circle my nipples.

I smoothly furnished kisses down her neck, to that point on her shoulder she loved so much. The buttons loosened on my shirt, and the cooler air gave me goosebumps. I pulled off her sweater. Her alabaster skin underneath hadn't changed, it was still so soft and supple, pliant and warm under my caress.

"Ohh," Meredith sighed with longing. I tugged off her loose slacks and my own jeans, my gaze burning for her. Head to toe, I covered her with vibrant kisses. I pushed her back down on the bed. "Derek?" she asked.

Smirking, I ran my hands down her body, caressing and massaging. As my palms reached her inner thighs, I got on my knees at the end of the bed.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, realizing what I was about to do.

First with my fingers, then my breath, then my lips and tongue, I tasted her. All of her. Reaching up, I cupped her breasts and swirled my thumbs until her nipples became tight peaks. And still, I cleaved her lower lips until her legs shook, and her tight gasps became long panting moans.

 _I told you I wanted to marry you. That I wanted to build a life, and a house with you. And you weren't ready._

 _You don't want to build a life with me. You want someone. You want someone that wants the same things you want._

 _I got all whole and healed, and you don't show up. It's ruined because you took so long. And I couldn't even find that bottle of champagne._

"I love you," I said as I came up for air and reached to twine my fingers through hers.

xxx

 **Meredith.**

"I love you," he said as he leaned over me, entwining his fingers with mine. My body was flushed from his loving work, and my heart thundered a thousand beats a minute as I stared at him with stars in my vision.

 _I may not be enough for you, but I'm trying here. So, I don't want you to date anybody but me. That's it. Except, I'm scared as hell to want you. But here I am wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose, right?_

 _This is the happy ever after part, and in the happy every after part, the guy is there, all the time, saying things._

 _Just for the record, I am your knight in shining whatever._

This man, in my bed, I loved him. I didn't know how it happened or when… as it was difficult to reach into the muddiness of my mind and grip something real and solid… but the way he looked at me, the way he touched me… the way he gave… and the way I let him…

He loved me.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and drew him closer. I lost him at some point, maybe more than once. But he found me. That, I remembered. And… that I loved him.

Somehow, I couldn't forget that.

I drew back and shifted on the bed, so I lay on top. He was hot. Sexy. Warm. His smile was vivacious. I kissed it. Then his neck, chest, nipple. I rubbed his chest, my fingers slipping through the little triangle of hair between his pecs.

 _Derek!_

 _You don't get to die on me!_

He'd been shot. I remembered that. I kissed the faint white line on his sternum. "Hmm," he purred as I sat up, straddling his torso. He'd been shot, and I almost lost him, but he was still here.

I still remembered how he liked to be loved. I kissed him lower and lower. I licked his navel and cupped him through his boxers. His eyelids drooped as I stroked. I pulled his boxers down, and he slithered out of them and kicked them aside.

"Meredith," he panted, almost rolling the 'r' in my name.

"I love you too," I said, and dipped my body down lower and began to stroke him. When his breath hitched and his pelvis jerked, I dipped lower and kissed the tip of him.

"Ooh," He sighed as he watched. I kissed and licked, and loved him there, my lower body thrumming as I watched his excitement grow, his cheeks flush, his irises darken. He ravished my breasts with his lips while I cupped and prepared him for entrance.

And then I let him in.

I started to rock, but his hands stilled me. "Meredith."

"What?" My hands rested on his.

"When I was gone… I lost my memory. I couldn't remember you, or our kids, or anything about myself." He picked up my hand and brought it to his lips. "I didn't remember anything."

"Oh," my heart dropped. I didn't know what that meant, what I was supposed to do. "I'm sorry," I replied finally, squeezing him inside me.

"Mm," he hummed. "But…" He rocked his hips, jolting me. "I dreamed of you."

"What?" I gasped, rolling with him, as his hands slid down to my knees.

"I saw you in my dreams, all the time. I didn't know who you were," he gasped as I rocked. "But you were someone good.

 _Someone good._

"And you believed in me. Every time I closed my eyes in doubt, you were always there, fighting for me." He thrust into me. I rode with him.

I remained silent, thinking. There was nothing for me to say to that. Tears welled in my eyes. He loved me so much… he loved me and I…

I gave up.

"Mere?" He asked

"It's nothing!" I shook my head and continued the rhythm.

"It's not…nothing," he said, pressing harder up into me. "What is it?" He sat up and wrapped his arms around me.

I tried to resist at first, but his embrace and his fragrance and his stubble…

Him.

He stopped me, so I just sniffled into his shoulder. "I gave up!" I said. "I stopped looking… and I stopped fighting, and then I got sick, and… I just… wanted, I wanted… to slip away, just disappear! How can you still love me? I gave up on you and the kids, and my research…"

He kissed my breast, my chin, my lips. He rocked up into me, he pressed me against him. "No, you didn't." he smiled back. "You didn't."

"How do you know?" I panted, with anger or arousal or confusion I didn't know.

He rolled me onto my back and lay between my legs, adjusting himself inside me. "Just let me love you, and you'll see…"

"I'll see? Ohh" I squirmed under his weight. His right hand caught mine above my shoulder and his left caressed my breast as he thrust and rocked and rolled into me.

I didn't understand. I gave up. I couldn't fight… I didn't want to fight anymore, it was exhausting.

Derek's fingers and tongue drove me to shivers, I closed my eyes and tightened around him. I loved him… I loved him and I…

What was that? On the nightstand. That picture. I remembered that picture. Zola's graduation. But I broke it. It fell in the den. That was what broke. The frame. Derek and I were caught kissing, happy. In the background, graduation caps fell around us, but we were in our little world.

"Der-rek!" The bed bounced with his weight, his movement, as I stared wildly at him. Oh God, oh God… my pulse raced and warmth blossomed in me while Derek held on for the ride. There were days when I dreamed of him. There were days when... I felt like he was right there, right in front of me, his eyes pleading, begging...

He wasn't gone.

He'd been right there. I'd made him up. In my head. To get me through. To fight.

 _He still believes in true love and soulmates. He's waiting for you... And if you don't come back from this, you will change who he is._

I let go. For a second... just for a second, I let go, but-

"Derek," I whimpered, drawing myself up to kiss him, to connect, get back on the same level. "I thought…" I panted and wrapped my legs around his back. "I thought I lost you."

"I know," he said, changing position, so he was more beside me than on top. His hand slid over my abdomen, lower, and lower where his fingers danced inside my vee.

"But you… were… there," I moaned, kissing him.

"I thought you lost me…" He replied, before licking a nipple.

"No," I arched my back, curled a toe, God, this felt so good! He made me feel so good! "In my head. You…"

 ** _We're_** _going to fix it._

"No freaking way..." I said as a realization occurred to me. "Derek! Oh God!" I shuddered under his tantilizing touch.

 _Halitosis!_

 _Hey, I just brushed my teeth!_

Something clicked. Like Déjà vu, I saw my reflection in his magical blues… and something… just…

"What?" Derek asked, catching his breath.

"Shut up!" I rolled on top of him once more. "You! I… It was you!"

 _I pulled a book off the shelf. Where was it? I wrote it down… I wrote it. Help me, Derek, I said, flipping the book open. The answer. The cure. It was here. I wrote it._

 _Are you willing to take the risk? Dr. McDreamy stroked his chin thoughtfully._

 _Are you? I asked back._

 _There is a way, to do the impossible, to survive the unsurvivable, there's always a way. He kissed me lightly on the lips. You and I have that in common. We're inspired. We inspire each other._

 _I took his hand in mine, marveling at the dexterity, the flexibility of the tendons and muscles underneath. We can do this?_

 _We can do this. He smiled back._

Under me, Derek grunted. He wrapped an arm around my waist and rolled, pinning me under him. He pulled my legs up and drove deep within me. Derek's fingertips slid over my sweaty temple. "You did it, Meredith. You never gave up. You just forgot. But you did it. You found a cure."

"You inspired me," I said. "I came back for you."

"You did," He nodded. "Now… come for me again."

There was no need for talking anymore. He moved against me, passionate and slow, then like a tempest, I was swept up into the furor of his lovemaking as he rocked my being.

The bed squeaked and shook, and I clutched the sheets maniacally before he thrust me into the stratosphere. Into space, nothingness… where nothing mattered. Except him. The way he made my heart pound and my insides peel with flame. The way he lit up my life, made me feel everything so much deeper. The way he made things matter. Lost in him, I was his everything.

And he was the piece of me that I would never lose. I knew that now. I knew…

He kept me going.

"Meredith!" He shouted, flooding into me, clutching, me, riding me as I burst with love right along with him. Finished, spent, he curled over me, touching his head to mine. "You're…" he swept hair out of my face.

"Wait," I stopped him, touching his lips. "Derek, I…"

He blinked, waiting.

I reveled in the safety of his arms around me, the sweat on his brow, the blush on his cheeks. "I'm not going to lose you again. It's too much. I love you too much." I said. "And I need you. You keep me going. So…will you, um… I mean…" I cleared my throat as he regarded me softly. "Derek Shepherd, will you marry me?"

 **A/N:** Cause… on paper, Derek's technically dead still. So… Anyway! Please review!


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